liars.

I dislike liars and I hate it if anyone lies to me. Hide the truth all you want, but sometimes, I know things that you didn't realise.

And it hurts to know that you have to lie to me. Me.

What happened to trust and faith? Yes we all lie to cover our tracks, so that someone else wouldn't be hurt from the truth. But sometimes you don't realise that the someone you're trying to 'protect' knows what is truth and what's not.

darkroom

There's something fascinating and hypnotising about photo developing - no, I don't mean sending your digital photos or film to developing shops - I learnt last night. The precision... getting the negative in the enlarger on the photo paper, the length of time to expose the image to the paper... the length of time to leave the photo paper in the developing chemical, then stop bath, then fixer... The extra caution to make sure that no sliver of light is present, even the green beep of the working air conditioner is not permitted. Working in the dark, you feel your way through... any carelessness will cost a good print.

Then you see the image appear on the photo paper as it is soaked in the developing chemical. And I wonder how... and why... this process is able to take place. It is fascinating, and the first image which appeared, though only a test strip, left me breathless for a while.

A photographer begins with the end in mind - he must know what he wants to see in print when he is taking the photo. Because, if that moment is not captured, it will be gone forever. Especially with film... Then comes the ardious task of developing the negatives, the contact sheets, and then the photos. I guess the thing with prints is, if you aren't satisfied with one, you can print another, and another, and another, until you get the perfect print, and that is.. before your patience runs out.

Does this apply to relationships or life in general? I wonder. Probably at times we do have the end in mind... most of us seek a 'perfect' or near-perfect ending... and then the ardious task of keeping a relationship alive, keeping a passion going. But the thing is, how many times can we try and try again before we get the perfect 'print', or before we run out of patience and give up on everything?

Then the fear of the photo not developing well, the fear that you lost that special moment.

The fear of... feeling fucked up. That you lost it. That you no longer are as good as before, as polished as before.

Argh.

I just hope that... words said to me, actions towards me, are genuine and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be made second fiddle to anything.

In the end, I think I can't take that leap off the cliff and not worry about where I land. I think I will be standing on the edge for a very, very, very long time.

Heading out for a very late dinner with the very nice gentleman J who forced me to go out cos he heard I was hungry, and later off to drinks.

Gotta digest my thoughts.

Guys, I miss all of you. :(

hazy haze haze hazy

I think the haze is finally getting to me. I stared out the window during take off and was taken aback at how bad the haze was. I could see nothing... save for the little lights at the jetty, even during the early evening. Honestly, it's irritating the hell out of me. Damn I can't even remember how our country looked like when it was CLEAR.

I was talking to mum about my uncles and all, and I feel that my family is pretty... dysfunctional. Weirdly, I like it. I have no idea why, but probably I find it more interesting that way. More things to bitch about. Hhaahaha.

Off to Copenhagen tonight, cycling cycling cycling.

Adios!

yippee!!!

So because I don't have any clear days off in between flights, I can't operate Melbourne. Which, I don't really mind anyway, because I woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

And then headed out to do some grocery shopping and back home to cook.

Now my eyes are threatening to close on me.

Okaaaayyyyy... before I fall asleep.. more pictures from the trip!


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

noooooooo space to breathe.

Okie, I got back from a second trip to Cape Town, and this time round, we rented cars to go around the area. Had a lot of fun, wined and dined HEAVILY, and at the end of it, I'm sunburnt!

Managed to get the cars at the very very last minute! Headed out in 2 cars, with the tech crew as well, and we went to Cape Point & Cape of Good Hope first. En route, we had a heavy breakfast, and couple of us were almost blown off by the wind. The winds were strong, and even the locals said that it was pretty unusual to have that kind of weather. Even I lost my footing. SURPRISINGLY.

Ok photos!



Captain Loh said that when the head of a lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) changes colour, it means that it is ready for mating. And so we spotted this horny lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) on our way to the southern-most point of Cape Point.

I satisfied my craving for ice cream, cheesecake (but it wasn't nice), and popcorn. The popcorn was a surprise though. Hur hur hur. And then lots of cheap South African wines. Cheap and nice.

And.. Paris was good. I know Paris was a good long time ago flight but I haven't really had time to look through the photos.



Ok, I know this post is rather.. 'wham bam, thank you ma'am', a quickie at most, cos I am very tired, and I think I did something silly by changing all my off days for flights.

So I might most likely be operating to Melbourne tonight, and after I'm back, the next day to Copenhagen, and after I'm back, the next day Saigon turnaround, then Jakarta turn, and finally a Perth flight, all without any off days.

Yeah. My super long linked flight. This is the first time, and I guess most likely (hopefully) the last time I'll ever do such a thing to destroy my body clock. Hopefully after everything's settled at home I won't have to pull such stunts.

In fact, I was hoping very much to spend a good day just lounging around, watching movies and ... doing nothing at all.

Argh.

schming! schming!

I am tired. But I don't know if I am emotionally or physically tired. It has come to a point where I can't differentiate between the exhaustion of the soul or the body. Warped as it sounds, pushing myself to the max gives me an exhilaration I can't fathom. Why?

Sometimes I do yearn... for something I think I might never allow to happen.

Anyway, something creepy happened while I was sleeping in the hotel room last night, and I decided not to sleep cos I was more irritated than frightened. Stayed up and watched TV the whole night.

Jacky told me something which got me laughing for a good 5 min. He said that planes are not recommended to fly past the North Pole, because the penguins will get intoxicated while staring at the aeroplanes fly over their heads and topple backwards. Actually, I didn't know it was true. I thought he was pulling my leg. Well, I googled it. And it appears to be just a chain letter. The penguins, apparently, think the planes are their mothers (why?!) and so stare at them with love and devotion until they eventually topple over. This is the most hilarious piece of news I've ever heard, and BBC has proven it to be a myth. here!

Then we saw the trailer of Hoodwinked on tv, and we really laughed till our sides hurt. Go watch.

As for the blog title, don't bother trying to figure out what it is. I have no idea what to put as the title so I just typed whatever came into my mind. heh heh. This is what pure exhaustion does to people.

haiyah!

Just when I thought we're over the housing episode, another episode furls in. And it's money-related again.

Money is the epitome of all evil. Whoever said that must have loved money till he hated it. And probably died hating it.

And I guess they always come to me because I seem like a pushover. I probably am, because relations matter to me more than money.

But I have no means to. And I hate how things are going within the family.

I am hoping for another miracle. Please please please.

One of the moments I yearn to seek refuge in someone stronger.

wait... waiting.... waited.

Back from Paris... I didn't want to leave. I love France, Lyon and all, and I probably would want to travel down south France and take a look. A break, that's what I need.

I know I don't open up easily, and I don't usually say what's in my mind. But I hate it that when I try to, my words are... disregarded, or unacknowledged. And the topic conveniently shifts to something else, leaving me hanging by the end of my thread, wondering if I should have ever said that. Or if my words ever meant something or made any difference. What's the point of me shooting out what's in my head to someone then? It's never gonna matter anyway. Oh, and it makes me feel silly for even wanting to say what is in my mind.

I enjoyed my time in Paris, probably for the solitude and the time spent alone in a foreign land. Been thinking... and thinking. Ever wanted something so much, then suddenly realising you somehow don't want it that much already? Like, you're just waiting to be on your way out.

Probably what J said was right, no one likes to play second fiddle to anything. But in this predicament, I wonder why it seems like I have no say in anything.

Maybe things will work themselves out in time. But would I be too jaded by then? Because, it's starting to lose meaning to me.

Maybe because I'm detaching myself from feeling so much, from feeling too much. My self-protect mechanism. When two parties wait too long and nothing happens, shouldn't someone move on?

The flames burn and sizzle, then slowly flicker away.

Doesn't it?

And when someone causes you more heartbreaks than expected, does that mean that someone means a lot to you? Why?

Probably being in Paris, city of love and romance, took me away from the reality that I have to face back home. Now you know why I never wanted to leave. I miss being away.

torn

I am trying not to care so much, not to bother so much. I just wanna be indifferent to everything that's related. But deep down inside I can't.

And it's tearing me apart.

paris romantique...

il fait beau...

In Paris now, using the complimentary internet in the room. Will be heading out later, going to take a walk by myself back to where I was many years back. Welcoming the solitude though, probably need to sort out some overdue thoughts.

Met a few nice passengers on board and spoke to them for quite a bit. Nous pouvons vous apporter autour! (We can bring you around!) Friendly gesture, but probably not. Because I don't know when my French will give up on me. But it is cold. Brrrrr... and I am yearning for ice cream.

Thought... a lot. And, it has reached a point where I no longer am in control. I feel very exposed, very vulnerable. Do I hate that feeling? I don't know. It feels warped that I welcome that feeling again somehow, but then again, a large part of me screams something else. Probably the overdue wait is taking its toll. And I wonder why I allow it to drag, why I can't just go. Maybe I should. But do I want to? I hate feeling so affected by certain things, certain words, certain actions.

I'm contradicting myself. As always. So what do I want? I know what I want but I don't have the courage to pursue it. SO what gives?

ARGH. Fuck lah. I wish things could be simpler and easier.

Will be meeting Francis tomorrow evening (see, I blog about you too!), supposed to meet his friends (new men new men!) but he wanted a trade-off, so we decided on a one-to-one date. hur hur hur. Hope I don't get lost in this mad mad metro system.

Au revoiR!

the misadventures of charcoal

*Woof!*

Today I ran away from home for a good 2 minutes, and made mummy worried. Jenn che-che was taking a shower and I was bored cos no one wanted to play with me. I hopped on the chair near the window and saw daddy coming back. So I ran to the door and waited for mummy to open the door.

Daddy came out of the lift and I ran to lick him. Then I saw the lift door closing, and I thought I would try to go downstairs for a walk myself. So I took the lift all the way downstairs myself! *beams*

I came out of the lift, and made my mark near the pillar. Where's mummy?? Where's che-che?? I panicked a little, but decided to stay at the carpark lot and wait for help. Oooh.. I spot little kids nearby. I wanna run up to them and scare them abit. But where's mummy?

OH! There's mummy!!! *lick lick lick*

Ok that marks the end of my adventure.

*Woof!*