.whimsical fantasies.

i'm shifting~!

2008-10-08T11:28:00.003+08:00

2009 will be a year of changes.

and already i've changed my mobile number, my company name, why not my blog address as well?

find me here.

adios!

seulement, ce nuit, ce vie.

2008-10-06T00:21:00.003+08:00

Alone Again (Naturally)
Vonda Shepard cover, Gilbert O'sullivan

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

don't save me.

2008-09-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

it's come to a point where i feel that even if i choose to die, i can't go in peace because there are so many things i have yet to do for my mum and brother. and i know i have friends, i am not alone, but it's just not easy for me to just open up and tell anyone and everyone how fucked up i feel. how do i tell people that every single minute i am thinking about how i have to save money for the house, how unsure i am about finances, how i can't bring tears back home cos it'll only worry mum...

and ever since young i've been taught to be independent. being independent is good, but it also means i find difficulty relying on other people for help. I find all i need by myself, and sometimes i do, though pretty seldom, accept help from other people. it sucks, because many times i feel that i'm all alone in this though i know fairly well it's not true because i do have people with me. Yet i can't help but feel very deserted.

and just now when i was driving around feeling upset and sorry for myself, i scrolled through my handphone and didn't know who to call. i just don't know how to make someone feel the way i do, or tell them what i was feeling right at that moment, and i didn't want to spoil their day by dumping everything on them. what do i want to get out of calling them? assurance that things will get better? that i've heard so many times. but i have no patience. i don't know when that day will come, or if that day will ever come.

it's almost as if should i fall into the sea, and start to drown for whatever reason, i will just stop trying to float. like meredith in gray's anatomy, when she just gave up staying alive. i feel that exact same way. like if something untoward happens to me, i will just walk towards that bright light and never turn back.

writing all this out made me cry again, and i'm tired of whining like this, and yet whatever i do is simply not enough in my standards. like the money i've painstakingly saved for the past 3 years is simply NOT enough to get us a new place.

i want to hate dad, i really want to. i wanted to scream at his picture and scold him for not leaving us the place so that we have a roof over our heads and don't have to struggle to find a place. given that we've stopped taking money from him since i stepped into poly it just doesn't seem fair that nothing comes to us. but i just couldn't hate him at all.

fuck the coward i am, i have no guts to hire a lawyer to fight for our home, i don't want anything from him, i just want our home. i have no guts to get a lawyer to submit the request to view his will (if he did leave any) because i am so afraid to find out that he did leave a will but our names aren't inside. and to hire a lawyer, costs money and time, which i am pretty sure i do not have.

so if you thought i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, i will stuff that spoon in your mouth and you can tell me whether it's silver or not. I know i can survive this in the end. but from now till then, i really don't see myself pulling it through.

morbid

2008-09-29T15:30:00.002+08:00

i just killed a mosquito. and all i thought of was DIE U LOUSY BLOOD SUCKER DIE!

sigh. very random i know. But the past few days saw a fever that came back, a jab overseas before i was able to fly back, lots of sleep thankfully but not enough to make up for all those lost hours, and lots of thoughts.

so many times i wished i could just leave and not have all these problems onto me. at least when i'm gone, my mum and brother will get what i have and i'm sure given the insurance polices i hold it should last them quite a bit. i look at charcoal and i hope and hope that if there ever is a next life, i want to be a dog. if i'm lucky, i end up in a good home with love and never ending food, if not i'll just live off the streets' dump. if i'm doomed i'll probably end up in some fucked up family and then be abandoned. like what they say, it's a dog's life.

i know there are people out there worse off than i am. and i shouldn't really be complaining but i do feel the pressure now and then, and i am ready to give up anything in my life just to sort this one out. i don't want to bother about what others think of me already, not like i did much anyway, and if i could, i want to sleep forever and never wake up.

then again, it won't solve my money problems.

fuck life.

2008-09-24T03:38:00.001+08:00

i'm overwhelmed by the amount of money and work that is required to purchase a house.

i need beer.

one more leg to home.

2008-09-22T06:52:00.002+08:00

finally, tomorrow i'm heading home.

probably it's been a while since i've been on such a long flight, i kept yearning to be home and resting. Or it could be the fact that the flu is bugging me to no end, making me crave for a lot of things only home would have: charcoal's cuddles, mum's soup, my bed... that i really am looking forward and counting down to the time i go on board and back home.

i spent most of my time sleeping in istanbul, and though it's not exactly my first visit there, i was not at all keen to go out. And dubai is hot and humid, though slightly cooler than the last i was here at 41 degrees celcius, it's not exactly the most fantastic weather to go out in.

mum told me that by june, we'd be expected to shift out. sigh, i don't know what to think, or what exactly to do, and i can't wait for the wind to carry me to wherever it wants to. i can't bear to leave too, my memories, my life, my childhood, all spent in this home. and i've tons of stuff! argh.

i miss home. but knowing that so many things are expected to change once i get home...

sigh.

misfortune

2008-09-19T00:06:00.002+08:00

a dark cloud seems to follow me wherever i go. it's almost as if i'm standing under a raining umbrella, soaking wet, when others are in the bright bright sunlight, dry.

and the cravings for mos burger and ramen, as well as my mummy's soup did not stop me from snacking on oreo cookies, coco pops and whatnots. so much for looking skinny.

the team boy told me to change the brand of soap i am using. perhaps i should heed his advice.

heading up to istanbul later, and i'm feeling more sick than ever.

HELP.

and because i usually get all the wishes i get nowadays, which are those that will affect me and my bank account in a bad way i think i will keep my mouth shut.

*zipppp*

buh byeeeeeeeeeeee.

2008-09-18T02:10:00.001+08:00

things are slowly falling into place, and hoping that it works out a lot better with this arrangement...

and i don't know why i am sick again after just recovering from flu.

this sucks.

a series of unfortunate events.

2008-09-15T13:50:00.003+08:00

i have been so unlucky recently, i don't know where to begin.

it's INFURIATING.

firstly the loss of my passport which led to me not being able to work for a while, then last night's saga was enough to surpass the most unfortunate event in my life.

right now, i need beer, and sleep. LOTS OF SLEEP.

and money.

weddings and marriages; like cakes and tummyaches.

2008-09-10T22:50:00.003+08:00

Adrian & Val pulled it off, though the skies rained mercilessly. It was a very beautiful party, and I cried buckets. I am a lousy Maid-of-Honour because, 4 words into my speech i started to tear. Muahaha. Nonetheless, everyone enjoyed themselves, parents, in-laws, friends, guests, everyone!

I think marriage is a very, very, very big commitment. I love weddings, I do. I love to see the groom waiting anxiously, beneath that calm facade, at the end of the aisle for the bride, and the look on his face when he sees the love of his life walk in. It takes my breath away, and never fails to make me cry. Wedding vows, wedding dances, wedding music... all of which i love. Which is why i love planning weddings for people!

But marriage, is a totally different ball game altogether. Aly said that it's just like being in a relationship, to which i agree. Yet, when you're in a relationship, if things don't work out, there's always a way out - the exit. That would be the easy way out. But in a marriage, because it's sacred, it takes a lot more... work. A lot more compromising, a lot more acceptance, and a lot more understanding. And then we talk about forgiveness, and selflessness.

I often wonder how it could ever be possible for a wife to forgive a cheating husband; i just cannot. To stand by someone through richness and poor, i could do it; through health and illness, that I could too; the good and bad times doesn't sound too difficult... but when you are married, you exchange vows, and if you should not hold up to your side of the vow, should you be forgiven?

I'm just rambling... but the recent months have seen the most weddings in my life. All of which magical, all of which memorable. And thank you for letting me be part of that magical moment, as you celebrate your next milestone in life.

I just don't know if i will ever be ready for marriage. Maybe i don't work hard enough, or maybe i don't want it hard enough. Maybe one day i might finally get married, and maybe i might not. But between now and then, I would have to work harder at learning the fundamentals of love.

2008-09-01T20:36:00.000+08:00

i don't understand.

if communication is meant to improve things, so why do the things i mention time and time again still happen?

it's infuriating.

2008-08-26T22:57:00.002+08:00

i have succumbed.

i have a weakness for nice looking but maybe not as useful products.

so number will be changed, if i haven't given you my new number, sms me at my current number ok? cos, phone was stolen in spain and i lost quite a few numbers.

sigh..

:)

back...

2008-08-24T22:41:00.000+08:00

finally safe and sound back home...

this trip has been nothing but adventures after adventures...

and the stolen backpack gave me loads of distress...

oooh well.

hoping things will work outttttttt.

holA!

2008-08-12T18:56:00.002+08:00

finally...

the long awaited trip will happen tomorrow night!

and the past few weeks, i've so much to write about but because the excitement is making me tingle like crazy, i can't write anything!

soooooo, one last hurdle before the holliiieeeeeday tomorrow~!

BARCELONA Here i come!!

i'm so happy excited i am incoherent.

WOO HOOO!!

gonna be the backpacker for 10 days. BUAI!

2008-08-09T01:01:00.002+08:00

if love is about accepting one for who that person is...

why do we still go about making changes about ourselves and the other person?

i suck at this.

2008-07-28T16:21:00.002+08:00

i don't dislike babies. Well, at least most of the time. They can be pretty adorable (if they don't cry), and funny if you make them stare wide eyed at something for a long time.

BUT how did these HUMANPETS get the strength to YELL at the top of their lungs?!

it's amazing how a 'noise' that LOUD can come out of something so tiny.

argh.

i'm back...

2008-07-26T02:38:00.002+08:00

.. i figured, ultimately, i still need to whine to the world.

so here i am. back here again.

but i need to sleep before i start blogging.

5 hours flight can really kill, if you're working in both zones.

the realisation.

2008-06-29T19:22:00.001+08:00

i know i've never been perfect and probably will never be...

but today i just realised... how far from perfect i am.

hiatus.
taking a break from the world.

if there ever is an award...

2008-06-25T00:31:00.002+08:00

... for the fastest and most random blogger ever...

i will give it to MISS POTATOMUSMAXIMUS BOOBIES GIGI WONG.

yoou know i love yooouuuuuuuuu.

in a male dominated world.

2008-06-22T23:22:00.003+08:00

finally the start of my long awaited leave.

and last night i celebrated it by meeting up with 3 of my close guy friends.. and waiting for them for almost one hour. So i made good use of the time to drink a full bottle of wine, and by the time the first of the three musketeers appeared, i was on to my second bottle.

i grew up with more close guy friends than girl ones, so the slightly more than just a handful very close girlfriends i have, are really those who i have stuck with through the years. And my guy friends... though they do nothing but mock fun at me because i am the minority (in some cases, the only one), i know i can always count on them when i need them.

and so the four of us, the Plasticman, the Auditor, the Principal and the Shingapok girl... sat inside wine network for the aircon, and as two of them informed (and/or reminded) us about their upcoming nuptials, the Principal and I started thinking if we should start a fund soon for marriage; not ours, mind you, but other people's wedding dinners.

even though we hardly meet and apart from the very occasional sms once in a blue blue moon, it's the fact that we could just sit down and talk like old times that makes me miss so much of secondary school life. the growing up part with all of you is one thing i wouldn't mind going through again. (though i know i'll still fall asleep during bio and maths.)

thank you for these 12 (or 13) years, and counting, of friendship.

and of course, not forgetting the Shingapok Boy, the Panda Policeman, the Pharmacist, the Pilot, the Monk, the ... (weng what should i call u!!), and of course... Miss ROLEK-GPS-INSURANCE-BLUR QUEEN. i love u all anyhowwwwwww. *muackZ*

new york new york

2008-06-17T22:56:00.002+08:00

i thought i'd get over it, but every trip to new york is just a harsh reminder of what happened last year. i can't ever imagine how time flew by so fast. it always feels like yesterday when i had to live with the fact that we are minus one in the family.

the only thing that made me upset is the fact that i had to grow up overnight and deal with all money matters in the family. financial contributions and handling family finances are just two different things. so many days i have to live with nothing in my bank account, changing all other foreign currencies to home cos i just have nothing to live on. only consolation i have is that my current job pays good enough to keep the family alive. i just need to save on certain things.

that aside, i live on fairly decently.

i went to donate blood the day before i left for this trip and though it wasn't anything scary anymore, i was pretty surprised when i felt alright after the donation. Until about 4 hours later, i removed the arm band and... i fainted briefly at the airport carpark when mr kwok was loading his bags into the car. his enactment: "i was talking and talking and then when i closed the boot you were nowhere to be seen."

ya laugh all you want.

anyway i am severely lacking good proper rest. after 2 over years in flight i've decided to heck following the local time when i'm overseas and sleep all i want.

so now at 11.30am in NEW YORK NEW YORK, I AM GOING TO SLEEP. and no one is going to stop me or say WHY ARENT U GOING SHOPPING! cos i just ain't. i want to save money.

so there.

bye bye and good night.

take-offs.. and landings.

2008-06-08T03:15:00.002+08:00

Staying at the airport hotel was really a darned affair for most of us, the fact that the shopping area was 20 min drive away instead of just across the road was not the damper, but that this hotel we are in, has nothing in the vicinity; no convenience store or whatsoever.

yesterday i did the fastest shopping ever. just got what i needed to get, hung out at apple shop for a while, ran into crate & barrel to see if i could get anything (i didn't...) and sees' candies on union square. no shopping for myself. which was sad, but then again i haven't much to spend because of the change of flights. i wondered if i was slowly becoming a shopaholic, because i almost wanted to heck the allowance and just spend whatever i want. Thankfully i held back. otherwise i'd be really broke.

sometimes i wonder if people here are just lazy or purely inefficient. certain experiences on this trip made me feel that there really are dumb people around.

and because i thought i saw a petrol kiosk on the way to the hotel, this morning i decided to venture out for a run along the bay, and search for that petrol station. the bay area was pretty nice. and i sat down on the benches to look at the planes queueing up to take off.

so many thoughts thru my head. so many times i feel like i want to give up on everything. yet so many times i didn't.

i miss dad.

and i think i'll forever miss him, wondering if things could have been different if only...

sigh. growing up.. growing up... age takes away precious things from you, replacing things with memories which could be lost many years down the road. and so the equation only means.... growing up sucks, doesn't it?

and if i take off from here, will i land where i wish to be?

little miss manners.

2008-05-28T21:15:00.003+08:00

getting married is such a hassle.

the wedding preparations... i wonder why people would put themselves through all this trouble. probably why wedding planners are great help. and the fact i won't be seen in a wedding dress anytime soon, makes me feel grateful that i'm not the bridezilla-to-be.

people ask me why i left the public relations line.. cos it seemed so fun and vibrant... and i told them in honesty that sometimes i'm tired of having my brain churn out politically correct answers which somehow can be untrue but sounds 100% true. and then u bring that kinda mentality home. you start talking to loved ones using politically correct answers, forming questions which will lead them to answer it the way you want them to.... and then it defeats the purpose of being truthful and open with your friends and loved ones, doesn't it?

you start being particular about mannerisms, because in PR, image matters. you get particular about the way people talk, because in PR, perception matters.

i am little miss manners, and i ain't shy to admit that. I like it and appreciate it when people display good manners; the basic being saying their 'p's and 'q's. During meal times, i don't like to stare into the inside of someone's mouth; and i don't know how to appreciate loud chomping. i can be a prude, or a bitch at that, but to me, it's just basic manners that one observes.

Telephone conversations are important as well. I don't like to hang up when there's no firm ending to the call; meaning, if both parties do not say goodbye, or when one party doesn't acknowledge the goodbye, then the phone call hasn't really ended, has it? it irks me to no end when someone hangs up after he/she has finished their side of the conversation, and with a 'thank you' or 'bye' they just hang up, while i am probably not yet done with the call. it makes me feel really really ignored.

maybe it's just me. i am a prude. there are just so many instances i can't stomach, and as much as i know i should just try to live with it, i hate the fact that it destroys my mood for the day.

i'm not perfect with manners, either. I do the hang up on people thing when i'm pissed. childish i know, but i get pissed and i'll just not bother. I just don't make bad manners a habit. or make bad habits become lousy manners.

so there.

i'm a prude. i'm a bitch when it comes to manners. shoot me.

hooookay!

2008-05-27T01:14:00.002+08:00

so today i got my arse out of the bed, washed and waxed the car (both interior and exterior), brought charcoal out for a run, bathed and groomed him, read some books, did some drawings, and packed some books away, and the freaking irritating thing is, I AM TIRED but i just can't get to sleep.

i did charity today to this group of mosquitoes which made their presence known within 5 minutes with 6 mosquito bites. OOOooh how i hate mosquitoes.

somehow i feel that i still like the loud clicking sound of my ibook compared to the silence when i'm working on a macbook, or macbook pro. i like the clickety click. and ultimately, it's my very first ibook.

on a very different note.. sometimes i think about the relationships i've had when i was younger. those 'set your heart palpitating' kinda crushes that turned into relationships, those talks and promises of the future over late night phone chats, and just mindless, endless walks and busrides to nowhere... it's just puzzling how as i moved on in life, i seldom experience those ... i wouldn't even call it feelings.... but occurrences? long late night phone chats have been slowly replaced with late night sms-es of good nights, mindless endless walks replaced with long drives...

i don't know if i have an idea of a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship that i work towards. in all honesty, i guess i'm old enough to know that there's nothing perfect in this world, and we only make something as perfect as we can. i might not be with the cutest guy in the whole world, but i am with a guy i find really adorable when he makes me laugh even when i'm pissed... we prob might not look compatible because he looks younger than he is and i look older than i really am, but i feel we're compatible when it comes to maturity and knowledge; he might make me pissed at times with his nonsensical talk, still, we communicate a lot on other aspects... so i might not have a perfect partner, but i have someone who is near perfect, and suits me more than just fine.

i probably sound mushy at this point... but the past few days i've been listening to others' relationship woes.. and just being grateful for all that i have.

ok gotta go sleep.

weird dreams

2008-05-26T20:46:00.002+08:00

the past few nights, i've been having weird recurring dreams... not totally identical, but similar in many instances.. dreams where i lose money, or i am seen giving money away, or just totally broke.

so everything is about money. and then i went to search for the meaning of my dreams.

To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. Additionally, you may be lacking ambition, power and self-esteem.

To dream about giving money away, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love. To see others giving money away, suggests that you are feeling ignored or neglected. Someone is not paying enough attention and showing enough affection toward you.

To dream that you have no money, denotes that you have a fear of losing your place in the world or that you feel that you lack the abilities needed to achieve some desired goal. You may be overlooked or neglected by others.

how apt.

i kind set a few things in place when i got back from London. Which was good timing, given the fact that i was no longer happy with the arrangements and now that i'm kinda able to handle my own affairs i'm feeling a tad better. just that i'm jealous the Man is having fun eating wanton noodles and mango desserts in hongkong now, and i can only get to do that next week. or 2 weeks later.

oOOOoh well.

london bridge has frozen.

2008-05-20T17:12:00.002+08:00

Val told me that "YAY IT'S FINALLY SUMMER AND IT'S WARM AND SUNNY!" and 4 days later she told me it's cold cold.

So now i am here in London. AND summer's kinda GONE.

and Hong Kong got me missing all the late night wanton noodles, mango desserts and oh-so-yummy dimsum. and macau's egg tarts.

ok ok ok i oughta go prepare to go out meet MS BRIDEZILLA..

a random random post cos i'm just so sleepy.

hmmm.

2008-05-07T03:46:00.002+08:00

I think the hard truth about getting old is you tend to have more alumni clubs to join, more weddings to attend, and probably more wrinkles on your forehead.

somehow i miss sitting behind the desk, doing all the press releases, marketing stuff, events handling and all, yet sometimes i feel so lazy i'd rather spend my free time surfing the web, reading books, catching up with sleep, or just chatting online.

it's one of those random days again, and it's near 5am in the morning.

shucks i better go to bed.

cookies 'n cream

2008-05-03T10:17:00.000+08:00

i'm now sitting at gloria jeans on flinders st, staring outside as people and cars pass me by. gigi stayed over last night with me in crown, just because she's in melbourne to visit her brother n gf.. and she made me walk back to e hotel just because she left her toiletries there. so i did, while she goes off shopping. i'm a nice friend.

i'm not much of a coffee drinker, but days i do i love cuppucinos, strong black coffee and the occasional ice blends.. cookies n cream from gloria jeans is my current favourite..yummy yummy yum.

i wonder what i'd have done with my life had i taken another path to walk on. it puzzles me nonetheless..how we are always on one path and thinking about another. does this apply to relationships as well?

my current never-to-leave-home-without item is my new pocket camera. i was in a bookshop one day n chanced upon this photo book 'memories for my son'... and i thought about how few photos i have with dad..how i never knew but could only imagine his life from the few photos that we have of him... and i decided i don't want to leave the world, my family.. like that. i want to document everything, happy or sad... and keep it. in my memory, in photos.

and this msn chat with qian while typing this entry got me thinking.. why did things that were supposed to be done out of goodwill, out of kindness...and supposed to be from the heart... become the standard procedure in things we do? sometimes i don't understand why we have to rush thru certain things when they emphasize on offering premium experience. and how people like to make others feel lousy about themselves. it irks me. very much.

i'm slowly outstaying my welcome here.. gotta go grab my things and rush back for my simpsons' marathon on fox 8.

can't wait to go home.

it is so awfully hottttt!

2008-04-29T01:12:00.002+08:00

it's hot hot hot hot hot i feel like i want to just climb into the fridge and not move.

the aircon's been down since ages ago, i don't intend to fix it but it's so hot hot hot hot hot i miss the cold weather overseas.

i googled "how to make ur room cooler"

argh it's hot hot hot hot hot hot

gonna turn off the lights and the computer and all other appliances (except the fan) so that they wont emit heat.

AAAAAAAARGH!

2008-04-24T21:18:00.002+08:00

get it right.

i'm not afraid of working with you, i just don't like to work with you so stop thinking that way.

freaking bi*ch.

2008-04-20T18:58:00.002+08:00

i have been proudly telling everyone that i have cleaned and tidied my room to a state when i come home i get a ZEN feeling.

off to London tomorrow. The off days are just not enough.

*waves hi to velviie!*

ahhhhh CHOO!

2008-04-17T01:58:00.002+08:00

oh well *sneeze sneeze* i dink i am down with fwu...

sydney was cold. cold. freaking cold and i think i wasn't that prepared for the harsh weather at night. i was practically shivering my ass off, and by the time i went to bed i was already feeling a little unwell.

so i woke up the next day feeling less than perfect.... arghhhhh. the only thing i'm grateful for was that due to this super long stay, i had enough time to catch up with everyone's who's there.

and today i woke up sick. nonetheless, the day was spent with the boyfriend who chauffeured me around; to vivo for Three Kingdoms, gelatissimoooooo at the empty Flyer, and crooning the whole day away. *AH CHOOO!*

ok this sneeze is getting on my nerves. feels almost like my brains are coming out through my nose.

4 lines. 4 words.

2008-04-12T01:15:00.003+08:00

disgruntled incompetency and inefficiency.

lousy excuses broken promises.

freaking cannot plan days.

f**king f*ckers fu*ked up.

growing up hatred.

2008-04-11T02:31:00.004+08:00

i hate everything about growing up.

no one told me about the heightened responsibilities, the additional workload, the lessened fun, the minimum sleep, and of course, taxes!

probably feeling a lil frustrated today, and filing taxes didn't help exorcise that frustration within. i reorganised my room recently, nowhere near completion yet, but it felt better seeing things shifted about here and there. and then i wonder why did i even bother cleaning up? probably one day very soon we'd be asked to leave. so why bother?

no one told me about the eldest child being the one making all the decisions. I hate making decisions. i wasn't prepared for such a huge responsibility. i grew up independent, learning how to fix everything around the house and handle all things since young, almost the "man" of the house, but yet i can't do the budget for my family. Mere financial contributions aren't ever enough. I've property taxes to pay, even when the ownership isn't ours, bills and other ad-hoc things that i know mum would never ask me for.

i don't mind being the one doing the contribution, seriously. but i don't know if i can continue to live everyday wondering when we'd have to leave. and.. guess what? I don't ever want to leave! I shifted here when i was about 3 or 4, and most of my memories, good or bad, were of this home.

dad passed away and i had to grow up overnight. somehow i don't feel the difference in all other aspects, but the heightened responsibility is getting to me. and i am rambling i know. i just want to get everything out of my system, and i don't want to speak to anyone anymore about all this because... listening to me spout all this nonsense and breaking down everyday is not going to do any good to my "popularity poll".

i get frustrated, and upset, and of course i get impatient with a lot of things. and they all say that i have to be strong, because i am the eldest child. but no one ever realised, this eldest child has a side that needs to crumble before she can build her fort stronger? no one realised that this eldest child is a woman after all, and can't be a "man" all the time? but yet, she's too used to being one that she forgets she had this soft, and gentle side which seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

yes, i admit i am weak. i am not as strong as other women who strive hard to handle everything in life. all i want to do is grow up slowly, grow up in the way i want. life dealt me a hard lesson, one which i am grateful for, but yet not ready for. so what am i to do? isn't there supposed to be a manual in life? or something i can download in patches so that i'd know what to do next?

i want options. i want the freedom of giving up or not. i want choices. it feels to me that i'm denied of all this, and then i think i am being selfish because i didn't think about how my mum and brother would feel. everything i decide from now onwards, will affect them in one way or another, and in different magnitudes for each decision, each bloody choice i make.

i am afraid. i am frightened, scared shitless, that i'd make the wrong moves. i know for many things i would know whether i've made a mistake almost immediately, but for many other things i would only know much later. who will tell me whether my decision is right or wrong?

i want to give up, yet i don't. i want to crumble, yet i don't. so what the fuck do i want? i only know it irks, as much as hurts, whenever people comment that i am no longer like who i used to be.

Life... you've chosen the wrong person, because this person isn't strong enough to brave whatever's coming her way.

triste.

2008-03-31T23:13:00.002+08:00

gave away the frankfurt run for an osaka flight so i could satisfy my nihon-go craving, and i'm glad i managed to do the flight, cos at least it gave me the opportunity to catch up with jaslyn, and really chat. it's so rare to get flights with people you know, and i long for that kinda familiarity, that you look forward to flights because that someone is on board.

anyways, osaka had us running about trying shoes, looking at bags, oogling at clothes, and we almost went bankrupt. but worth it for the company.. and i'd do it again anytime. then the back-to-back flights came, just to attend the wedding in taipei and to still remain on flight so i could catch up with the ditzy batchgirl. if there's one wish i could make, it'd be to have flights with friends.

the past few nights' topics at gatherings have been pretty similar.. and left me wondering if people actually do think about what could be on the other path not chosen. would my life have changed drastically? was that change worth it? the saddest part is that no one will really know, at least not me.

and it's puzzling, to me, that when a person has passed on, everything in your life kinda moves ahead, but there'll still be this part that remains stagnant. and poignant memories are no longer the ones which make you cry. all thoughts, in fact, only happy thoughts and memories bring out the tears. the non-stop flow of tears. like what mr kwok said, all that matters is how i remember dad to be. question is, what if i don't have enough memories of him?

so i'm trying to patch up the holes in my life... family ties, relationships and all... and feeling that time passes more quickly than i want it to. and if my life is a big jigsaw puzzle... i think i'll never be able to finish it.

daaang!

2008-03-18T17:49:00.003+08:00

so just as i was preparing to leave the house for flight, the office called and said there was a change of aircraft and i'm supposed to step down and be on standby.

and since probably around 11am until now, i've been restlessly walking about and trying to get the weekend off so i could spend a wee bit more time with the man who's kinda in a holiday chalet now. but from the looks of it i doubt i'll be around, so i guess i'll most likely be stuffing myself silly with pasta and pizza.

ooooh wells. probably the overdose of short simple flights have made me slightly lazy.

ok i think i should start to remove my makeup. and i hate it when people need your help they come cowering but when it's the other way around they freaking don't bother how they treat you.

2008-03-12T01:50:00.002+08:00

sometimes it still hits hard, randomly, like.. in the middle of a conversation.

and it'd be a struggle to hold the tears back, but i'd always try.

***

spent yesterday in taipei with the aunt and cousin who came over to join my uncle for a short holiday. and as i brought them around the night market to eat and shop, the little one never ever stopped yakking. she's adorable, not irritating, just... noisy. but she's an intelligent one. thing is, i didn't remember me being that talkative and hyperactive when i was in primary four.

and then i miss being primary four.

***

so the standby was pretty (*#@&)#&_@#*()%&#, and i finally managed to get my old taipei line reinstated, so i didn't have to spend lotsa money on phone calls and sms-es in taipei. it was a lot of walking today, and i fulfilled my bubble tea-a-day by drinking 2 cups today cos tomorrow i'm checking out.

don't have the mood to work actually, wondering if it's because i'll be on leave after i reach home, or just because i don't feel like it, but i'm looking forward to home and preparing for jav & ste's big day.

***

walked past the bar earlier, and heard shania twain's 'you're still the one'... and remembered it was a song i loved dearly, for it meant a lot to me then. wondered a lot about the could-have-beens, and the what-ifs. why am i so down?

argh.

i miss charcoal's smell. i miss mum's voice, and i miss brother's snoring.

and many times.... i miss the smell of dad's hands.

sigh.

bubble teaaaaa

2008-03-10T00:28:00.002+08:00

i think reorganising my shelves has become a fortnightly affair.

managed to free up a lot of space and boxes in the room, so that i have space and boxes to fill. and because i have to act as a one day tour guide to some relatives in taipei, i won't be able to meet the dogs tomorrow. sigh.

and right now i think i should sleep. but yet i ain't really tired, probably because i am so looking forward to my leave after this trip. *yippeeeee*

and the bestie's customary wedding is on this weekend, i am already thinking of mean mean things to do to the guys.

ohhhhhh wells.

i'd better try to sleep. past few flights i've shocked myself by waking up at call-time.

argh.

arrrrrgh.

2008-03-08T20:10:00.001+08:00

i simply cannot understand why my room is messy again after 1 week.

ARGH.

seriously.

2008-03-05T02:51:00.002+08:00

i am suffering from bubble tea, and ktv withdrawal symptoms.

and 11 days away from singapore made me miss mahjong, but the first night i was back i lost a grand total of $50. shucks. and so now charcoal is fatter, and cuter (because i brought him to the groomer's yesterday)... and oh man i missed charcoal so muchHhhHHhhhh.

thankfully the bank account is still alive, all because silly me forgot to bring out a photo id with me when i was in LA which really saved me a lot of money, but i still shudder to receive the bill for next month.

oh wells.

i finally met up with The Alcoholics in Taipei (Peter & Diana, Brandy & Whisky: 2 humans and 2 bitches); the daily affair in taipei was shopping in the day, lunch with Boon, more shopping, or KTV with the smokies on flight, dinner with The Alcoholics and Neeee-kiiiiiii, back to the hotel for drinks with the smokies, and process repeated the next day.

And i was introduced to brandy when she was still loving the biting action. when mr kwok came over, she was a lot tamed. standby was not activated, and i had fun skipping standby to look at geeky stuff with the boyflennn. and the group dinner was ditched when Mama Alcoholic had to work overtime with her ulcers, and Neeee-kiiiiiii left us for pretty girls in the countryside. 阿里山的姑娘美如... forgot the last word but *shrugs*. So mr kwok and i spent the night trying to act taiwanese, trying to act touristy, and then we went over to Tong Hua Jie where i proudly introduced Brandy to mr kwok.

so after we fed the Alcoholics, we brought brandy window shopping though most of the time Diana and i were in the shops, Peter with brandy outside the shops and Lou usually looking around for other shops. and at the big huge pet shop we found a big huge fat cat which was adamant that brandy not disturb his rest. Snarled and growled and slept at the foot of a stand.

and i offered dog sitting services when i next go over to taipei.

which is somehow a guarantee i won't spend all my money away any-o-howly!

i got flowers!

2008-02-21T19:40:00.003+08:00

just a couple of minutes ago, i had a call in the room, and the caller said i had flowers sent, and waiting at the lobby.

and because i thought it was a prank by one of my colleagues, i went "Ya ya ya, 真的吗？不好笑。" and hung up the phone on the poor guy.

and he called back immediately to say it wasn't a prank and he'd bring up the flowers.

and yeap i got flowers from mr kwok. 20 red roses cos i'm 20 years old. (SHUT UP ALL OF U!)

*looooove*

*swoooooooooon*

ok i am girly. let me be cos it's my grow old day.

i'm old, boring and predictable.

2008-02-21T18:12:00.002+08:00

CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

i haven't really had time to myself to really think through everything that has happened in 2007. yes, i've had time alone, but never as peaceful as today. lots of reading, thinking, and just.. spacing out. and when i read the above lines from grey's, it just struck a chord.

and yes, i'm officially 25+1 years old today. last year, when i filled out survey forms, i could happily tick the 25-30 age group and feel i'm the youngest, but today i'm "upgraded". and hopefully a little wiser, as val pointed out bluntly. THANKS. and to all who are happy that i'm older..... *ROOOOOAR*

26 years old. many years back i had dreams of me being someplace very accomplished in my career. i am someplace, but nowhere near accomplished nor in my dream job. but things change, expectations change, we change. i've changed. what plans do i have for this year? nothing much. I'm still on the recovery, in many aspects, trying to deal with myself, with certain issues in life and with my own expectations.

the last day of chinese new year, the lunar valentines' day and my birthday. last year today i was in the air from los angeles to taipei, and didn't see the date 21st February. Tomorrow i'm headed for Los Angeles. Last year today i remember standing outside Sheraton Taipei, making a video call to dad, chatting to him, mum and seeing charcoal on the phone. This year, it was just mum and charcoal.

The reunion lunch this year, was a minus one. we set a table for 4, the dishes on the table significantly lesser, but still those he would have liked. but we ate in silence, and at a point, in tears.

and there are still many days i wake up, wishing that it had all been a dream and things would go back to what they were like in the past. and sometimes i do wonder if things would be better had I chosen another path. but i learnt that there are just some things you can't ever change.

on a happier note, dinner with the igualans was pretty successful. people who went MIA previously turned up, people who couldn't navigate on four wheels previously turned up, though the mahjong addict was in the air from denmark to singapore his presence was sorely missed (ok i said that to appease the legend). and i had a great time. nothing beats being around people who grew up with you, who knew you inside out, who forgive you for not making enough effort to meet up, who can still be there for you when everyone else in the world gives up on you, who love you for just being you, and who will still love you even when you are no longer you. From hideous stories you'd never want your other halves to hear (which is why the legend never brings out his girlfriend anymore), to surprisingly good news you'd never think you would know (the pilot and the missing miss shum).

i've received cute presents this year also. the very first was val's PIGGY bank to me (LITERALLY PIG. PINK PIG) which went oink oink whenever i dump money inside, and sends charcoal growling, and my very very very first Agnes B. coin pouch, which, only has space for coins. meaning i cannot do the auntie thing and dump notes nor cards inside. then the next day i had another agnes b. card pouch from some ex-colleagues, which i am told not to put coins in.

mr kwok baked me a cheesecake for the dinner, which he graciously sponsored also, at arab street WHICH was finished up by the second day, and a dual-time watch to replace my current one. and now it means whenever i wear it on board i cannot be too rough.

the guys got me a handcream, ("it's very good! not greasy one!") and yeah it's good and smells nice tooooo. *smooch*

i finally met up with the potato, though it was a brief one, and we had a very good time sitting outside coffeebean and talking about whatever and anything. *love* and i got a chain with my name. non-kinky chain.

mummy got me a cake and we had an early celebration at home and charcoal loaded me with kisses and dumped his favourite toy in my bag.

this morning Rat came down all the way from taipei to give me my present and a birthday cake, sang a silly birthday song for me and left after breakfast to go back to taipei to work. just so that i could stop whining about being stranded in boring taoyuan on my get-old-day. THANKS LAH OK?!

I made almost everyone sign up for a mahjong account online and forced them to play with me last night. or when they are online. and i have a mahjong addicted other half.

and yay, finally finished updated, cos K complained that no one whines as much as i do, and that he had nothing to read for the past 3 weeks.

Back to more reading.

to my lovely huggable friends who smsed me early this morning or at midnight or left me messages on facebook msn wherever, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL.. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

k now i am going to just stare at the number 26.

SHUCKS!

2008-02-03T22:10:00.000+08:00

was sorting through the hoards of photos in my ibook and macbook, and it suddenly hit me...

where the fuck are the photos i took when i went to copenhagen and my first paris flight? and first frankfurt? argh! and many other places?

and then i sorted them thru dates, and a whole chuck of photos from june 06- oct 06 .... MISSING!

damn. must still be stuck in my Piss-See. freaking arsed.

must get harddrives out. SOON!

not a sunday...

2008-02-03T20:47:00.000+08:00

mum and i did our annual chinatown chinese new year tour today. but this year it felt really different, firstly because we aren't celebrating, and then because we're gonna be short of one at the reunion lunch.

so we went down to waterloo street temple to offer our prayers, and i asked for a divination lot for.. well, everything. it didn't feel like sunday though, today, even until now. it was crowded, but it just didn't feel like sunday.

hopped on the bus to chinatown, and en route, a pair of grandparents chatting over someone's head to their friend seated right in front left me feeling amused. and i missed, right that instant, the times i used to spend together with granddad and grandma.

the skies didn't hold up, and it poured heavily when mum and i were only 5 minutes into our window shopping. and i was almost gonna faint from hunger! so maxwell beckoned, and i felt disappointed at not being able to eat my sliced fish noodles. and chinatown seemed bleak this year, not sure if it were the rain or just me.

lots of mochi in my bag later, we hopped on the bus for home. just because i bought some really cool gadgets for my phone, i killed our half an hour waiting time by forcing my mum to take pictures with me.

and NO, i am not strangling charcoal.

this picture will be shown to people who piss me off BIG TIME. check out charcoal's butt.

another random post. because nails painted, flight tomorrow and i no want to work.

2008-02-03T10:10:00.000+08:00

and instead of being in roma and standing in front of fontana di trevi, i opted for a japan stay with more days off at home.

so i spent close to 4 hours shopping, buying things that i have no need but can create a need for, and eating all my yummy yummy saba fish and unagi. LOOOOOVE.

the crazy senior gave me lots of weird funny ideas to do on my last day at work, or to people who are bullies at work. i am slowly compiling a list. hur hur hur.

ok i am just plain tired and lethargic, heading out to chinatown with mummy now.

it's time.

2008-01-26T23:48:00.001+08:00

i need to find peace, and happiness within myself.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

i'm tired of being the one who's making everyone else upset. i'm tired of saying sorry when things go wrong, because it happens far too often. i'm tired of hearing sorrys, because it only makes me feel frustrated that things have come to this stage. i'm starting to detest, and really detest, the word 'sorry', because it slowly means nothing to me anymore. i'm tired of losing my temper ever so easily, because i never used to. and i dont know how to deal with this because i've never done it before.

i'm not trying hard enough, and it's not fair for me to put anyone through all this.

the water is wide...

2008-01-26T18:44:00.000+08:00

Sarah McLachlan - The Water is Wide
with The Indigo Girls and Jewel
from Lilith Fair: a Celebration of Women in Music

The water is wide, I can't cross o'er
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I

Now love is gentle, and love is kind
the sweetest flower when first it's new
but love grows old, and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew

There is a ship, she sails the sea
she's loaded deep as deep can be
but not as deep as the love I'm in
I know not how I sink or swim

The water is wide, I can't cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I
and both shall row - my love and I *lyrics from: lyrics007.com

how do you find happiness in a life you see no future in?
and everywhere you turn, somehow you have this sense of melancholy, and with that, a heavy heart.
how do i lighten steps which feel laden with lead?
which seem to leave dark imprints on the ground i walk?

how many people must i hurt before it seems enough?
how do i get rid of all these frustrations... everything that consumes me?

2008-01-20T22:50:00.000+08:00

i thought i'd take a nap before leaving london later.

but i tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. stared at the only family picture i have on my handphone wallpaper... and slowly wondered if i am still living a dream.

it just feels.. somehow... that dad is still around, you know? and that when i wake up later i'll see him.

and sometimes i just don't want to wake up. because waking up means i have to face reality. yet if i am living a dream now, maybe when i wake up dad will still be around.

sigh.

zzzless.

2008-01-17T04:18:00.000+08:00

4.18am.
and dear me needs to wake up to prepare for flight around 8am.
quickly rush to beat the morning office go-ers on wheels, and get lost on the roads leading to the arrival pick up area.

i am slowly being repaired, but the voice is nowhere near angelic. and london tomorrow, as well as in the new roster.

remind me never to complain ever again about not having london flights in a long while, and having too many paris/zurich flights. I actually miss zurich.

and so.

off days don't ever seem to be enough, and it's scary really how i no longer can picture myself doing other kinds of work already.

this is sad. tres triste!

such is life, isn't it? it's only 3 months into the new year, and by first week of march i already would have been to london thrice.

my second home.

listening vs hearing.

2008-01-13T01:14:00.001+08:00

after a talk with a close friend a couple of days back, i can see why sometimes things don't work out between two people.

listen, and acknowledge you're listening to what the other party says.
people can tell whether you are really listening, or just letting the words flow thru from the left ear to the right one.

and slowly the person will give up trying to tell you anything at all.

simply because, there is just no point.

for that person will only be talking to a wall.

so in 2007.. i've learnt..

2008-01-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

... not to bother too much about tarnished nails so long as i can't tell they are tarnished from far.
... super shiny top coats and fast drying top coats (talking about nails duh duh duh) are the answers to beautiful nails.
... big huge corporations have big huge idiots sitting at the top with big huge goals and no big huge ideas how to attain them.
... flu can be contagious, even over facebook.
... certain problems are not that easily settled by replacing the number of losses, because you simply take away the quality.
... that one cannot be expected to give first class end product when being compensated peanuts.

ooooh i'm such a whiner.

but on the bright side,
i am recovering from the horrid flu and slowly passing on to whoever i've spoken to over facebook, and msn. I am evil. i really cant help it, but i've got half the people online in my list with the nickname "flu.... flu....stupid dripping nose" or similar.

and on the brighter side,
i think i will lose weight if more of my flights depart from terminal 2 instead of 3. such a freaking distance to walk.

bah.

and to step down from the hong kong flight i was called up for, and then called up later for a bangkok turnaround was a gift.
lur-va-lee.

p/s: should i worry that i'm thinking about cheesecake and deep fried chicken wings and steak and ice cream and tom yum soup and korean instant noodles when it is near midnight (read: bedtime) and i still have a cough and sore throat?

please handle with care.

2008-01-09T16:54:00.000+08:00

and i am defective. like spoilt goods. i decided i can't operate flight tonight, and dragged myself out of bed to visit the doctor. so i am diagnosed, tagged, with viral infection; symptoms being sore throat, full blown flu, cough, muscle ache, and the freaking low blood pressure again.

it's been a while since i feel so ill. yeah i've had downtimes but this seems like the first in a long while that i took so many days off work to recuperate. sigh.

so another 2 days in addition to my first mc in 2008. and it's not even... 2 weeks into the new year. what a start.

waiting for the medication to set in before i succumb to sleep. and managed to surf blogs and found this gem... posting it up because i feel that.. it is very meaningful.

hoping dad is happier wherever he is.

千の風になって

(translation)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

*source: sharon

i seriously do not..

2008-01-09T02:12:00.000+08:00

...need any more emails telling me i should increase my penis size or satisfy my girlfriend better in bed.

how do i let them know that i have no penis whatsoever, and i only need to know how to satisfy men in bed?

sigh. the sleeping schedule is pretty good, i think i have been getting a lot of sleep this week compared to last month, but i still dont feel like i'm recovering from my cough flu laryngitis watchamacallit.

and i really don't want to take another day's mc.

it sucks.

being sick sucks.

*roooooooooooooooooar..cough cough cough*

2008-01-07T14:55:00.000+08:00

i survived the 14 hour flight back from london sitting in the cramped cramped seat. and a colleague with conjunctivitis paxed back together with me. but sadly i wasn't much of a companion to him because i promptly knocked out after 10 minutes of my ingestion of flu medicine.

apparently the tylenol did nothing to him and he suffered by watching 3 films and having his meals.

ok the voice is coming back, but i've been vice-free for 5 days in a roll. maybe i can quit my bad vices like smoking and drinking. then again. social drinking ain't really drinking right?

and then sheldy had to send me this link to bachelors on deal or no deal. you know what i say? sigh. no deal. apart from the chosen 2. the babes on deal or no deal are so much more lookable than the guys.

sigh. no more cute guys here in sunny singapore. i'm depressed. i need alcohol.

ok bye bye more sleep time.

2008 eh? i've been muted.

2008-01-04T23:58:00.000+08:00

what a start to a brand new year.

and here i am in london, without my voice. literally. and i am down with flu. so it's aching bones and a freaking headache that wouldn't go away. and the voice didn't come back.

my body is breaking down majorly, in qian's words.

and so i can't go out and get the things i want or need to get. i succumbed to ordering room service in london. OH THE HORRORS. and it costs like.... near SGD450 to call a doctor here. i want to be a doctor in london.

i don't make any new year resolutions.

but i thought about it when i was waiting for the doctor to come... and i think this year i will get more sleep, i will get rid of this horrible temper i adopted in 2007, and not change away off days for flights anymore.

ok.

hmm. ya ok.

and now i sleep.

2007-12-30T09:21:00.000+08:00

i spent the night wondering why i couldn't find the energy in myself to plan the birthday party for the boyfriend. i used to do things like that in the past... even though it's pretty much a hassle but it was a joy to see someone enjoy himself. but this year, it just seemed too much of a hassle.

argh. things which made me happy before no longer make me happy anymore. i baked today, and i threw out the thing cos i just didn't like the way it turned out.

and i wondered why people have so many pictures of themselves and their other halves, but i don't think i do.. and the most ironic part? the bf's a photographer.

oh well.

tomorrow is the last day of 2007. like angie said. should leave all sadness behind.

*takes deep breath*

ting shared with me when i told her i felt like just lying in hospital and see if anyone would ever care. it'd be a sad picture. so many people are concerned, so many people care, but at the end of the day... it's back to feeling the loneliness.

i probably need a break from everything, everyone and anyone.

2007-12-29T20:04:00.000+08:00

how i wish i can just lie down in bed, oblivious to what goes on in the world.... probably stoned unconscious, and see if anyone cares.

and wake up only when things have been settled, when people have moved on, when i know i am ready to be who i was before, when i can be happier.

i can't go on being the present me. i'm mean, i want to hurt people's feelings, i don't care shit about what others think already.

and when i cower under the covers, i sob and sob to no end.

and so i think i want to disappear. forever.

that night jamaican sex god said something that made me ponder the whole night. the exact words i remember not, but it was along the lines of .... nowhere near achieving anything when we're gonna be 26 soon.

hell true. i'm smelling 26 in the distance, and i'm nowhere near what i set out to achieve when i left poly.

what the fuck am i doing with my life?

just let me sleep forever. at least hopefully when i wake up i am famous and have achieved my dreams. even though it means not being able to experience the process. i no longer want to savour my achievements, i just want something to my name.

you get what i mean?

2007-12-29T17:44:00.001+08:00

i read this somewhere.

"Time doesn't heal. It just numbs you, so that you'll be ready to move on."

and so true.

Blogged with Flock

2007-12-29T01:36:00.001+08:00

and there goes christmas. sad to say, i don't really believe in the twelve days of christmas, because i still think it was an excuse to party longer and get drunk longer.

but heh heh.

xmas this year was spent doing a bali nightstop, and treated to a balinese massage. I think i still prefer the massages in china.

nostalgia seeps back into thoughts when a familiar, old favourite christmas song is played in the distance. you stop, and wonder what about the song made you love it, or find comfort in it. it brings you back, to Christmas past.

is that what they meant by the ghost of christmas past?

giving up my christmas just to spend the night in bali gave me an earlier start to my leave till the end of this year. and counting down to the start of 2008 does nothing to make me feel comforted... that my close friends in this airline, those who keep me sane and care for me loads, have quit and with one heading to london in a few months' time... ... sigh.

so today was spent catching up with the teamies, or rather. all ex teamies. and before the girls came, the teamboy and i spent time catching up, and when i opened the present he gave me, it was just as practical as he could get. but in all aspects, i appreciate the thought, gesture and the gift. just probably the next time i hope it would be all calculated and preferably in notes. and for making sure i was ok before he left by walking me all the way to my next appointment, thank you.

and the long conversation after dinner left me thinking. i knew it hasn't been easy to stick through the past few months, and in many ways i'm sorry for causing hurt to people who care, just because i hurt.

ever felt that you actually don't know someone as well as you think you do, or as well as you know you should? the feeling sucks. and when you realise that others don't see you in the way you see them... it hurts.

i am as random as i can be now. everything's changing around us... and in our struggle to catch up with the changes, we fail to notice what has always been constant, the things which keep us sane.

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Feliz Navidad... Joyeux Noël... frohe Weihnachten...

2007-12-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

and christmas day to me... is just a sign that the year is ending.

looking back on 2007, i don't know if i am happy, or sad; hopeful, or dejected... all i know is, it wasn't easy for me to move on, and i still find it difficult sometimes to move on. yet the world doesn't stop turning, and time never stops for me. my problems, compared to those of the world... are always small. words from the wise one, who many years back, gave me endless encouragement and support.

how many of us are willing to let go of the past, then? I know i can't. and i am not willing. the past brings many wonderful memories which... sometimes evoke a lot of emotions. yet happy memories are never happier, sad memories just seem sadder.

perhaps i sound very morbid. but i am. never a day passes by without me feeling the hurt of the loss, or without me reliving the day i got the news. letting go is not easy. either that, or maybe i just don't want to let go.

and it's just 7 more days to the new year. and i wonder if one year ago on this date i was looking forward to anything at all. what should i be seeking in this year to come? what should be my new goals? i know nothing, and i yearn for nothing anymore.

but yet, christmas... the mere thought of it meant snow, turkey, gifts, fireplace.... pictures we grew up with in connection to the festival. should it always be a happy festival? do people cry on christmas?

and so, i post my favourite christmas song, and one i find especially meaningful today, this year.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Merry Christmas everyone.

2007-12-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

the new roster came out.

and SERIOUSLY.

i'm still trying to see if they'd given me the wrong roster. but probably it's to make up for the lack in allowances for the past 3 months.

listening to other people talk about how the proposed changes might really take place in the near future doesn't make me ooh-so=glad at all. and envying all those other people who's left.

oh well.

keep those fingers crossed for me, will ya?

2007-12-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

I was watching this hong kong drama serial, and in the show, they showed a lot of chinese art and calligraphy... and i suddenly remembered how i used to do calligraphy when i was young. actually, granddad was the one who taught me calligraphy. Sunday afternoons after the mandatory "Journey to the West" on tv, he would put out the paper and ink brushes, and i always had joy using the ink stone. I'd always wonder how come all we had to do was to add water to the stone and then there would be ink.

i learnt how to write proper chinese words with the brush, and though i could never write beautifully, and with my limited number of words (i was only about 6, what do you expect?) granddad would never fail to praise us and patiently taught us new words. i never learnt how to use the brush to draw, i remember attending one session of calligraphy art in primary school, and all i learnt was to draw pandas, and bamboo plants. I did remember learning how to draw the koi, but i did that sitting at the pond in primary school. i guess my calligraphy phase was pretty short-lived. granddad didn't write much after we grew up, and thinking back, i feel pretty sad now that i never used to spend more time with him learning such things.

he had a knack for handiwork. he made a kelong out of sticks and weaving strings. and i would always have fun playing with the kelong, cos he would make a fishing net that could be levered up and down. the kelong is now encased at home...

suddenly i had this urge to want to go back home to look for that slab of ink stone and my ink brushes. not that i'd use it to draw or write, but just want to ... reminisce the past.

oh wells.

and today was spent pretty much productively, i watched many episodes online, and did quite a bit of work. using photoshop without a mouse has always been my forte, but after so many months of reliance on a mouse, i couldn't really function proper here just because the handy mouse isn't with me. argh.

hoping this burst of creative spark stays in my head for a while. gotta jot down ideas ideas ideas.

coming home tomorrow night! so many things i want to do and hoping that it would all be worth it.

xoxo

i have an untitled blog post.

2007-12-21T19:22:00.001+08:00

I am slogging in front of my computer in my room, well, slogging for work i think i will kinda like once i get it up and running, not that i'm complaining. i set the aircon in the room to a temperature which doesn't look freezing in numbers, but it sure feels like it's freezing cold.

this set of crew i'm with here in abu dhabi are the fun crowd, and we had fun on board, as well as in this.. pretty forsaken place. everyone had their misgivings about this trip, but we felt immediately better after we knew all of us were out to have fun. Well, at least we intend to go out a bit, club a bit, and shop a bit. Oh well, we settled the go out a bit part, we're gonna settle the shop a bit part in a while, and the club a bit part tonight. and probably repeat the whole process tomorrow.

and part of the reason why i never turned up the temperature is... because.... i bought milk and i want to keep it cold. Don't laugh. I know i have a refrigerator in the room, but somehow rather i can't open it, because i don't have the key, and i don't want to call the minibar staff to come up because i don't want to change into more decent looking clothes.

so there. i'd rather suffer in the cold. but this chilly aircon wind beats the dreary weather in New York anytime any day.

i ate wayyyy too much meat today i feel so carnivorous. *ROOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR*

yeah it comes and goes, but i know i'm feeling better. i just hope it stays this way, the feeling better part.

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2007-12-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

almost every flight i go on these few days i hear people saying, "this is my last few flights!" sigh. sometimes i wish i have better plans, or at least afford to quit. but i can't.

anyway i'm in bombay now and logging on using my hp. wishing i could be home instead. tired and i am gonna sleep and sleep now tt i've had dinner.

please, i'm hoping for a good flight home.

2007-12-14T20:42:00.000+08:00

i've never been so broke in my whole life.

and now i look at the pending credit card statements (mind you, i am no shopaholic, the purchases were necessary for home) and i am starting to panic a little. it almost feels like these few weeks i've been working for free. whatever came into the bank account, went out to bills.

shucks.

i need to find a better source of income during my off days. argh.

2007-12-11T05:04:00.000+08:00

seriously.

i am on new york time now when i am back in singapore.

what is wrong with my body clock!!!

on another note, today's spa indulgence with the bestest gal friend was shiokadoodadoo. but it rained and rained and rained and rained. so we hid at breko's and then in orchard with bubble tea and window shopping.

i wonder what it is about today... everyone seemed to be too keen in making us buy things. Any slight interest in an item will generate a lot of sales talk. it got me irritated, and stella was more patient with the staff. i simply walked away.

i am so rude. but i don't really feel like entertaining strangers. I'm sorry but it's just one of my bad months.

and i still don't know if i should be glad the year is coming to an end. somehow looking back, this year hasn't been good for most people i know.

i don't think hopeful of next year too.

of falling snow and runaway sanity

2007-12-07T14:17:00.001+08:00

it started to snow just as we stepped out of the bus at JFK airport. The journey to the airport made me pretty sick, with all the abrupt jerking and all, but i looked out the window and i saw roads, cars, rooftops, trees all covered with a thin blanket of snow. At that moment, I wished i could be back in new york next week so i could be near when someone loses his virginity to snow.

as i revelled in the falling snow, i wondered why snow makes everything look so dreamy. i never really liked snow. it makes my hair go limp, my feet cold and mushy, but i had the urge there and then to catch the snow with my tongue. but of course. to do that in uniform not only warrants weird looks from other people and my colleagues, i might just find myself with a tongue-lashing (oh i made a joke) from the boss.

Christmas is around the corner, and although i'm thankful that i'll be home for xmas i really don't feel the festive mood in me. I guess the saying's pretty true, it's usually around festive seasons that people feel more depressed. and statistics actually proved that the rate of suicide is higher during christmas and festive seasons. Why am i talking about this at all?

i went completely berserk last night. and it happens to me more often nowadays. it could be the longer time spent away from home, the more lone time i get. and i kinda.. no longer know how to handle it anymore. it makes me feel horrible that i've turned into this monster i can't handle. i push people to their limits, the closer they are to me the more i want to push them away. i want to be around people but i don't want to be around people. and in the midst of a crowd, i feel like i'm alone.

i don't know how to turn it all around. i just want to disappear.

help.

2007-12-06T03:00:00.000+08:00

maybe i could love new york in summer.

2007-12-04T18:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know truly what it is about new york that many people love.

Compared to the first time I was here many years back, i feel that apart from the horrid biting winter, nothing has really changed. I seldom get smiles from the people on the streets. I wonder if the winter played a part in the cold, cold, stony faces on the people here.

Maybe i just don't like winter now. The little bits of snow falling from the sky did nothing to soothe the turmoil in my heart and mind. and I lie awake each night here, just listening to the police sirens, counting the number of police cars which drove past my window. my heater is spoilt. there was absolutely no warmth in my room. just pure, pure icyness. And Paul heard how tormented I was by the cold, brought me his portable heater and set it up for me in the room.

I thought i'd love winter. But i guess i wasn't prepared for this harsh and horrid cold. it hit me right smack in the face when we stepped out of the airport. I told paul when i was in frankfurt that i'd give up the dance competition and he was understanding about it. so he met me after the dance thingy was over and we had breakfast along broadway. my initial plan of going to jersey garden was put aside simply because i didn't have the mood to brave the cold winds. and so I stayed in most of the time, reading and writing.

it was weird to come back on this flight exactly 2 months after the last one. and checking into the same room i had the last time made it not much easier for me. I cried once i put down my bags and removed the coat. I didn't dare sleep because I was afraid of receiving any calls from anyone. and so i stayed awake the whole night. and slept only when it was near dawn.

the sudden relevation of what i am going through hit me yesterday as i was surfing through the internet. and it made me shudder.

I hate being lonely, but yet i can't stand being in a crowd. I want to stand in the cold, but i hate the strong winds. I yearn for companionship, but i detest the person i become when i am alone with someone.

i wish i know what is happening to me.

parce que c'est toi... because it's you.

2007-11-26T11:26:00.001+08:00

I found this song after a long long while. and i still love this song.

yesterday was dad's birthday. I remember when we were kids, mum would bring us to the bookshop at the market and let us get a present for dad from there. and every year it would be a nice pen, or a tie pin. and we'd always buy a cake back to celebrate. I always made sure i was around to at least eat the cake with dad even after i started work.

and after flight yesterday, i cried as i was driving home from the airport. it feels weird not doing anything on dad's birthday, and so i went to get dad's favourite durian cake. we'd only allow him to indulge in durians on his birthday.

this morning i received a message from a dear friend saying he'd quit. it came as a surprise really, because although we've talked abt it but i never saw it happening anytime soon. but probably the greener pasture came to him sooner than i expected.

24 hours is never gonna be enough for me. sigh.

2007-11-22T09:21:00.000+08:00

18 November 2007 marked the 49th day of my dad's demise, and also the end of the mourning period. We held a little private session at the temple early in the morning, and i woke up that day feeling heavy in the heart.

the monk we asked to pray for dad was a young man who dedicated his life to buddhism. he stood in front of the table after all formalities were done, and proceeded to start the session. As the prayers went on, I had to battle with all the emotions within me. The sadness consumed me first. Everything that I remembered about dad came flooding into my mind. From the very faint memories that I had with him when I was young: the time he took me to the hospital after mum gave birth to brother, and placed me on the bed while telling me that little red thing in the box is my brother; the times we had breakfast as a family at the market on Sundays, and thereafter to the park opposite; the Friday nights in Boon Lay; the times i used to wait at the window to spot his car coming back; the day i brought Charcoal home; the time my dad called me when i was on my first SNY to Incheon; the very few dinners we've had after we've all grown...

and then anger hit me. I stared hard into the back of the monk's head, and silently wondered if there was any point in giving prayers, for the monk never knew my dad, never knew our family, never knew what we had gone through since young. Never knew what good or bad deeds my dad did, never knew if he did more bad than good, never knew how we are planning to survive for the rest of our lives since dad left us almost nothing...I got angry at the fact that I didn't get to send dad off, I got angry with the fact that almost every time we went to visit dad at the hospital we had to face that irritating male private nurse who never failed to make us feel unwelcome. I got angry at the fact that I couldn't do anything when the other family refused to let us attend the wake. I got angry at the fact that dad's eldest son from that family refused to partake in the prayers the night before the cremation just because he believed in a religion different from dad. I got angry at the fact that after the whole funeral thing, people talked about my mum taking a lot of money from dad when he was around when the truth was that we never took a single cent more, apart from money into education, from dad ever after I started working at 16 years old.

and then i wanted to laugh badly. I thought about how everything was just one big joke, that dad left us nothing but debts, and that my so-called plans have to be altered just because. I wanted to laugh at how my dad had been a womanizer when he was around and how he in his foolishness, had been conned by other people of his money. and I wanted to laugh at the fact that no matter what the monk chanted, I understood nothing. I wanted to laugh at the fact that no one will ever know how my dad looked like because i didn't put up a picture of dad on the tablet we made for him. I wanted to laugh at the fact that I was the cause of my own misery just because i wasted all those years not knowing who dad really was.

and i went blank. i stopped crying and stared straight ahead. I wondered why people light candles at funerals, why the picture is always put in between the candles. I wondered why some of us light incense for the dead. I wondered why in Chinese customs, it is always the guy who holds the picture of the deceased. I wondered why we couldn't celebrate the passing of a loved one. Like drink till you get dead drunk kinda party. I wondered why I paid so much money for the prayer session in a temple, because we can't offer any meat to dad, as we had to respect the fact that only vegetarian food can be served there. and I wondered if dad would be a little pissed at the fact that he can't eat meat from our offerings, and wondered if he could be appeased by eating mock meat. And I wondered why people called it mock meat when it wasn't meat at all. I wondered who invented mock meat and how did vegetarians know if mock duck meat tasted like duck?

the whole session took half the day, and by noon, i was totally drained. emotionally and physically. and when i heard of news about a friend who had to pax back on the same flight I did the other time, because her grandfather had passed on, I started to wonder if she had already known when i was chatting with her online earlier, and wondered how she would feel on the flight back. and all the memories attached to that day I flew back from Frankfurt came to me again, and i had to hold them back and enjoy the dinner with people i love and care for. by the end of the night, all i wanted was to sleep and do nothing at all, because i was so drained i wished i could have slept forever.

sometimes i get tired of explaining myself, and why i do the things i do. i get tired of trying to put across how i feel at times, because i don't know. and i get mad at myself because i am so easily irritated now, and am seldom happy. and i get upset at the fact that sometimes i still do cry alone in the hotel room, and i don't know how long it'd take for me to get on with life without dad. I don't know which is worst, losing someone you've lived with your whole life or losing someone you never really made the effort to live with.

and sometimes i bother to explain myself and why i do the things i do... because it matters to me how u feel.

2007-11-15T01:17:00.000+08:00

i haven't been to london in the longest time ever, and this trip kinda reminded me why i heart london so.

fish and chips, marks & spencer, habitat... and of course, catching up with friends who live here tops the cake. Almost wanted to change the flight away for pure off days, decided against it because mr bank account won't look happy, and it was a good thing i did the flight though, the trip up was a bonus with a very easy load, a seldom seen scenario on long flights.

though most times after flights it becomes a back-to-reality kinda scenario, i figure i've been holding up pretty well. of course, it helps that most stations i fly to, i have friends residing there, or friends who are willing to bum down all the way to catch up with me. and these friends, make me feel like i'm home even though i'm far away in europe.

and because i'm heading to new york, new york next month, paul invited me to take part with him in a ballroom dancing competition! i'm psyched up about it, but that means once i touch down in new york i have to run to his place and practice like hell, and take part in the competition the next day, and run back to the hotel for standby. it'll work out i guess, but i just don't know if i can dance still.

sometimes i still do cry, hiding beneath the covers. Probably a false sense of security and warmth. of course i yearn the human hugs, and lots of kisses from charcoal, but since i can neither pack charcoal or a human into my cargo bag (oh freak i shudder to think).. i have to make do with what's available.

i just settled a whopping credit card bill for the month, and thinking far ahead into the future, i don't know what holds. and sometimes i feel drained, like i just want to run away and hide but i know i can't do that forever.

honestly, i don't know what it will take to find the old me-self back. and i want the old jenn back. i can't live life like that knowing that behind each smile, i am never happy.

2007-11-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

i don't know why my blogger is forever stuck in italiano, even now as i am logging in from Shanghai.

feel like i've overworked myself, and that i should have just treasured my off days instead of crazily doing flights. but yet that's the other source of income that i can now foresee myself having, and somehow rest time doesnt matter so much when i think about the money i can earn.

probably i am being too practical, or too money driven. but i can't stop thinking how the money would be helpful to my family, and the fact that mum never asks me for money keeps me worried that she's not asking because she doesn't want us to be tied down by money matters.

thing is, she doesn't realise i already am. i've been debating within myself if i should forgo the money i can earn for the long flight for nothing but off days to myself. it's a huge huge huge huge huge difference in the pay if i don't work. but at least i can rest. oh well.

i think i'm just being very incoherent here. the sleeping pills are kicking in a lot faster than before.

daylight-saving time

2007-10-27T23:35:00.001+08:00

by the way, i absolutely hate it that i am in the middle of the DST change. So does that mean i get one more or one less hour of sleep if my time zone goes from +2 to +1?

shit. shit the DST.

post-edit: Ok, after much calculation and thinking with my stupid headache, i hereby conclude that i gain one more hour of sleep tonight. YooohoooO!

and to friends in sydney, melbourne, adelaide and perth, congratulations, you just lost one hour of sleep.

2007-10-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

i always thought that... if you wished and hoped hard enough, it'd come true. it's naive really, this thinking, but then it never stopped giving me hope that one day, just one day, something i wish really hard for will come true.

i took a mini-hiatus, for many reasons, of which one was because i still wanted to see the blog posts i wrote on my dad's demise and how i felt so i could be reminded time and time again; another reason being simply because i have nothing much to say. i still tear now and then when i am alone, thinking about all the things i could have done; i get angry every now and then thinking about how much responsibilities financially wise i have to take up now. It is a good thing that i seldom splurge on expensive goods, but it also means whatever plans I have made to go back into proper ballroom dancing have to be put on infinite hold.

Never has a day passed when i don't wake up thinking if we would be evicted from our house today. and still, sometimes i wake up crying in the middle of the night, missing dad and wondering if he'd heard me. this current place we've lived for the past 20 years belongs to dad's company, and since dad left no will, i guess everything kinda rolls to his family. it probably is sooner or later that we'd be chased out i guess. things died down slightly after dad's cremation, and heard now the office is in a mess.

i spent one week hoping and hoping the other family would change their minds, and then it didn't happen. our only updates were from relatives, who, in my honest opinion, thinks it's easy for us to stay away but all i really wanted to do is to scream at them and ask if they'd really understand what we felt.

the company was understanding about my plight, with my leave and the compassionate leave given, i spent a week away from work and at home. yet i couldnt bear staying at home. neither could i stand being in a crowd. i went back on flight the first day, a hong kong turnaround, and into hong kong, this guy was the last to leave the plane. he stared out the window, and when i gently reminded him that we've reached, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and somehow a feeling i could reconcile with. looking down, i saw him holding a picture of his family. and en route back to singapore, during landing i teared silently in the darkness of the galley.

the next 2 flights were alright, because i had friends with me. but i am now alone in rome, finished a plate of lousy pasta (such audacity!) from the hotel because i didn't feel good enough to go out, and every minute awake screams murder. i spent money just to be online, to be connected with friends, and yet no one could comfort me much. i don't blame them. it's just me.

i crave for that companionship now, and for someone to just cave into my demands and my ridiculous outbursts, for me to rant and vent and just swallow all that like... a sponge, but i realise i can't do that unless i get a dummy.

so i'm pretty fucked up.

and yeah. rome is pretty only if we have transport into town because the two days we are here, transportation is either on strike or having some green day action thing where no vehicles should be on the roads. and it gets back to working conditions tomorrow, the day we leave. it's a good thing i've been here before, and that i didnt really intend to go out much because i am feeling ill still, otherwise i would feel even more fucked up than ever.

if only i could turn back time...

2007-10-04T09:57:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been surreal.

i have been back home since tuesday morning, and only 2 days have passed. it felt like it's been so many days, probably because i didn't sleep much, and my mind kept replaying the time i got the news to the time i touched down in singapore. i did so many things that day it felt like 2 days instead of one.

that night, i was so upset i couldn't think logically. i knew i started asking weird questions to friends, and just feeling lost. i walked from my place to the wake. and because we weren't allowed there, i stood at the block across the carpark and silently prayed there. and i apologised for never being a good daughter, and how i gave up the chance to be one. i asked if he remembered us before he left, and told him not to forget us. and i asked why he couldn't wait for me to come home and see him before he left.

yesterday was pretty much a blur. i felt so lost i longed for someone who's always been in my life to hug me, and so i drove to grandma's. we talked, and that was pretty much the first time in my whole life i've ever had a heart to heart talk with her. spending time with her in the past just couldn't compare to what we talked about during the half hour i was there.

maybe a wake is held so that the family members won't have much time alone to think about the loss, to have people around them to share the loss and the pain, but for mum, bro and i, we just seek solace in the fact that we have relatives and friends who care, relatives who are on our side and friends who have been calling just to ask if we have eaten. i eat everyday, not because i want to, but because i know i have to. i still wake up crying, i still find it difficult to accept, but yet i know one day it will all come to pass. i am afraid of forgetting daddy, and i am even more afraid that i'll keep pretending that he's still around.

thinking back, it's been half a year he's been home. ever since his op in april, he hasn't come home, but these few days the house felt extremely empty. i sat on my parents' bed, in his usual spot, and held his packet of cigarettes, which my mum still kept. we never put away his things. his glasses were still on the bedside table, his tshirt still hung on the hook, even after all this time. after his op, the only updates we got were from my aunt, and after 2 weeks dad finally called, and i was so glad i was around when he called. he said he was sorry he just couldn't remember our number and they took his phonebook away. he knew i've been calling his handphone many times. but it just took him so long to remember our number. and that was the last we've heard from him. and he went back to the hospital, condition worsened, and to see him lying in bed.. helpless and like a baby, i couldn't take it. i'd break down everytime as my mum spoke to him. subsequent visits left me feeling drained because he'd look different. that wasn't dad. that was someone else. what happened to that boisterous man i call dad? who is this frail man lying in bed with tubes out of his body?

the other family made sure we didn't get enough time with dad. our visits had to be in secret, because at certain times the private nurse they hired would be around and he wouldnt let us have time alone with dad. the hospital nurses empathized with us, and always told us the times he'd be around. then when they shifted dad to the nursing home a month back, no one knew until my uncle went to the hospital and couldnt find dad. mum made it a point to try to visit dad everyday. i've never went. because i always told myself tomorrow i'd go. and i told myself i'd go after i came back from new york, and now, there's no tomorrow after all.

i've never done the things my dad wanted me to do. when i got o level results good enough to get into a good junior college, i told my dad i'd go poly because that was what i've always wanted. when he said being in the hotel industry isn't a good thing, i still went ahead and joined the hotel. when he told me flying isn't such a good thing, i still went ahead and signed the contract. i've never done what he wanted. and he never blamed me for it. he's never scolded me nor hit me. we've had spats, but he's never hit me. he gave us what we wanted, and he was a good man, because he was responsible, and took care of us for so long.

i just can't forgive myself. when we were young, every time dad came back, brother and i would run to hug him, and when he left we would give him a goodbye kiss and a hug. but as we grew older, these acts of love became lesser. i'd not be home the times he would be, or be in the shower or even pretend to be asleep when he left. there were days when i didnt see dad. and it didn't matter then when i was working in the hotel. there were days when he called on sunday mornings but i would tell him i was tired and told him i wont join him and mum for breakfast. i used to love spending time with dad when i was a child, but why as i grew up i grew distant from him?

i've gone through many phases. when we were young i never could understand why dad left in the middle of the night. when i was in primary two, parents broke the news to me that dad has 2 wives and mum doesnt have a wedding cert, i thought it was normal because that was what the drama serials were showing then. as i grew older i envied my cousins, who had family outings on sundays, and sat at the dining table to eat as a family. i've gone through a stage hating my mum, and saying really hurtful things i regret till now, because i thought she went to destroy other people's family. i've gone through a stage hating my dad for not being faithful to his wife. but when i went out to work i realised where love plays a part, no one was to blame. i shouldnt blame my mum, she dutifully stayed by him, even though it was tough for her to have given up everything for us. i shouldnt blame dad, who had been responsible for our upbringing.

after i started flying, i realised family is important and i started making more effort to be around at home. we went out for a couple of family dinners and it made me really happy. having charcoal was a good thing too. dad loved charcoal, although i always chide him for overfeeding charcoal with snacks. but i couldnt and wasnt able to talk to him heart to heart without feeling that awkwardness in between us. so many years have built the wall between us and i allowed it to happen. dad made the effort to call everytime i'm overseas to check on me and i never, never, made enough effort to care for him. only when he started feeling sick i called him everyday to check on him till he went for the op.

i have but myself to blame for this hurt that consumes me from inside. i don't know how to forgive myself, or how to accept that he'd no longer be around. a part of me doesn't want to move on, but i know the world doesn't stop turning for me. i've been denied my chance of sending him off, and seeing him the last time. and i feel angry.

and i failed my brother as an elder sister. after so long he broke down last night and i wasn't there for him. everyday i've been crying and i haven't been the strong figure that he could look up to.

i've not been a good daughter, and not a good sister.

i can't forgive myself.

2007-10-02T21:50:00.001+08:00

jamaican sex god alywin left me this:

'when the darkness falls
and the blight encrouches
you have your own walls;
to keep out the weakness

say a little prayer
rinse the memories
and store them somewhere
devoid of emotional burglaries

then breathe again the air,
and heal the glass windows
that display your soul, your flair
let life take you on another journey,
one only God knows'

very apt. very true.
thank you.

2007-10-02T18:23:00.000+08:00

thank you for all the sms-es, and calls, as well as emails and msn messages.

i appreciate your concerns and thank you for the condolences.

please don't attend the wake ok? because we won't be there. but your heartfelt condolences are appreciated greatly.

:)

i'll be fine.

2007-10-02T11:11:00.000+08:00

dad passed away while i was on the flight to frankfurt.

i checked into the hotel, and couple of hours later mum called to tell me the news. i cried, and cried till words couldn't come out, till i couldn't breathe, till i shivered.

i didn't know what to do and i just fell onto the floor and huddled in a corner. i called L and asked him what i should do amidst sobs, and he told me to breathe, as i started having seizures. i wanted to cry till i could cry no more. i wanted to scream, but nothing came out. and so i called one of the colleagues, whom i knew would still be up at that unearthly hour, and asked her for advice. she came over immediately with the chief, and both of them sat with me until the IFS came down, and we continued waiting for instructions from the office.

the call came in just after the trio left my room, and was informed to pax back on the earliest morning flight home. i cried as the staff said, "i'm sorry to hear of your loss." i cried as i was painting my nails, i cried as i was packing my bag for home. i wished i had no tears but i still continued crying. i couldn't sleep initially, and slowly succumbed to sleep. Dreamt a little, and when i woke up, i didn't remember what happened, but when i saw my packed bag and the stack of crumpled tissues next to me, it hit hard and i started crying again. i'm a crybaby i know.

so i prepared for flight. my eyes swollen, i couldn't put on the eyeshadow proper. i couldn't do up the hair well, either. i made a lot of calls to anyone i could think of, and cried as i told them. i want to be strong, eventually, but now i want to be weak. the IFS, chief and the colleague, all of whom became my family for this flight, came down with me to see me off.

during the flight, i ate nothing and slept. got woken up for fruits and cereals, which i forced myself to eat, and as the plane was landing, all i could think of was the fact that i have to accept that dad has passed on. i cried silently as the plane taxiied on the runway, and as the all familiar "welcome to singapore, ladies and gentlemen..." greeting came on, i decided i didn't want to go home after all. When i walked out of the aircraft, bidding goodbye and extending my appreciation to felix, tears rolled down uncontrollably. At the end of the aerobridge, I saw one of our STC staff waiting to take me through everything.

i'm home now, and yet i still kinda can't accept that dad is gone. i don't know when i'll ever accept it... and the fact that mum, bro and i are not allowed to partake in the funeral procession nor pay our last respects to dad as per instructions from the other family, made it a lot worse for me. My relatives on dad's side were very sympathetic, all calling to offer their condolences and that they'd help us in every way they can to let us send dad off. maybe, just maybe, they might change, my aunt said. i seriously doubt so.

my fond memories of dad are few, the times when i pretend to be asleep just to have him carry me up home and tuck me into bed, the times when we had breakfast on sunday mornings, and then walks at the park nearby after, the times he cooked burnt fried rice and claimed that he liked it burnt, all of which were memories when i was young. the last few memories of him were him holding my hand as i lay in the hospital bed after my op, him bringing us out for mother's day dinner, and him calling to check on me whenever i go on flights.

i lost a dad i don't know well enough. i don't know how old dad is, i don't know which year he was born in, i don't know how he was like as a kid, i don't know how he worked till this age, i don't know how he grew up, i don't know what he thought about us, i don't know what he expected out of us, i don't know a lot of things. I'm sorry for the times that could have been.

and now i know.

these tears i shed..... are tears of regret.

2007-09-26T01:46:00.000+08:00

this year's Mid Autumn Festival feels so different from previous years'. Lesser mooncakes, in fact, I think this year i only had one quarter of one tiny mooncake, and the fact that the whole family isn't around makes it a lot less like mid autumn.

Met someone on board, who happened to be a coursemate of some friends, and when i first saw him, he reminded me so much of someone. And i thought ok, probably just look alike. but when we were working and chatting, the topics we talked about, his mannerisms, the way he talks, eats and all... it's so uncanny how 2 people who are not related to each other can be so alike in SO many ways! and i couldn't help but keep wanting to know more about this new friend, just so i could find something that is at least different.

so in taipei, because Aunt couldn't make it in time to meet me, i spent the afternoon trudging with the guys to look at the computer stuff, acting as their translator. and dinner was yummy steamboat with nicky and some of the afternoon gang. i think being overseas, that's the best way to catch up with friends. yeah.

and so at night we headed to the tea house next to the hotel. and learnt about the art of chinese tea brewing. it was an eye opener though, i didn't realise you could use tea leaves for 5 rounds, i always throw mine away on 3. damn.

mahjong last night was a killer. but i recouped my losses and managed to save myself from bankruptcy. big mac does horrible things to ah fat's chip drawer. and chilli's italy flag magic only works in the day. and there's only one lucky seat at the mahjong table.

for all my lovely friends out there who are....

2007-09-25T14:26:00.000+08:00

... as hooked onto facebook as i am...

dedicated to all of you.

and another one...

oh and an informercial about facebook...

and and and!!

from the directors of FACEOFF.... i proudly present... FACEBOOK OFF!

and yes i love you all too.

ok i should stop.

2007-09-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

just feeling lethargic. and i have absolutely no idea why.

and how often do u have a friend who happened to be going to hongkong for holiday on the same day as you? so we met up in hongkong instead of all the times we could have met here back home.

and the girlfriend who was fortunate to have me on flight with her. heh heh heh.

oh well. i'm gonna crash before i leave for airport later.

have i packeD?!?

i got nicky-ed!

2007-09-13T06:48:00.000+08:00

so last night i was reading on the bed and i felt giddy. like.. really really giddy and shakingly giddy.

i thought i felt the bed move but then again i thought i was just tired from lack of sleep. and so i got up a bit and shifted over to the other side of bed. the shaking feeling didn't go. and then i saw..... my bottle shaking on the table, wires shaking. kinda brushed it off, to realise 10 minutes later that we just experienced tremors from the earthquake.

ooooh.

that's why.

and no, i'm still a little sore about the money i could have won.

2007-09-12T14:48:00.000+08:00

this is the story where i am a great philanthropist.

I COULD HAVE WON $12.80 FROM EVERYONE IN MAHJONG BUT I DIDN'T! ALL BECAUSE I WAS TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE CARD I TOOK! ...

oh well, long story. But i still won anyway.

Boos to Lou, Chilli and ah Fat, all of whom laughed at me ever since. ASshats.

Whatever.

.
..
....
....

ARGHHHH!!! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLUR!

2007-09-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

je ne suis pas heureux.

ever felt like u've been spread thinly, like butter over a piece of bread? (oh that depends if you like a lot of butter or a little)

like... 24 hours in a day is never enough. yeah, i do, at times (or many times), change away my off days for flights. but i only do that when i know i've nothing on that day, and if it's a short rest day in between flights i might as well change it away for more flights. that'd bring in more money and less expenditure.

i've friends i haven't been able to meet up in a while because time doesn't really permit.

i've things i've always wanted to do but then the financial constraints.

i feel i've been stretched.

sometimes i get angry with charcoal for waking me up in the middle of the night because he wants to eat snacks. but then he's just a dog, and still a baby, and probably doesn't know. and i guess he wants to spend more time with me too. and i feel guilty, cos i haven't been spending much time at home with charcoal, with mum.

so.

yep.
i'm worn out.

soothing words from a treasured friend.

2007-08-31T02:00:00.000+08:00

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:09 AM)
don't be afraid k. there is nothing else we can really lose in this world

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:15 AM)
hmm

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:18 AM)
my sanity

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:34 AM)
u noe there are ppl out there who wont allow that to happen

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:40 AM)
but if it does happen ill hold ur hand.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:11 AM)
and we can spin out of control together

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:15 AM)
wheee

no matter how crazy it sounds, i still feel warm and fuzzy in my heart. thank you for everything. *beams*

money woes.

2007-08-31T01:24:00.000+08:00

and so the credit card bill came. and i gasped a little, inaudible, but yes i did get a shock.

it wasn't as much as the previous month's, which shot sky high because of certain bills I settled for the family, but it was enough to make me reconsider using it for a while.

and so the haircut has got to wait till next month (which is gonna be here soon!), and thankfully i don't foresee any much expenditure on the wallet anytime soon, apart from the few doctor's appointments that i have in place. Oh, and time for the dentist too.

maybe i should really consider doing some investments with my savings. but then again, should i?

oh well.

hmmm.

Fly Away

2007-08-28T04:08:00.000+08:00

When will you be home, she asked
As we watched the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
To where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as I crawled and stumble
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky.
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby, fly away

Autumn leaves fall into springtime
and silver painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying,
We need you please come back

When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby fly away...

2007-08-28T03:01:00.000+08:00

listening to Luther Vandross' 'Dance With My Father' and struggling to keep my tears within.

there are sometimes i feel like just being depressed and stay in the room to wallow in self pity. and this, is one of the few times i allowed myself to. just got back from a long day with colleagues, and after a day of cinema hopping, shopping, and aimless walking, ending with coffee and dinner in the room, i am finally allowed time to myself, to think about things, think about myself.

just wondering how much i've changed and all. and certainly, at times, hating who i've become. and in many instances, memories of the past does seem a lot happier and easier to deal with compared to now. i don't know how to handle this new change in me, this newfound ... frustration that i always have. this impatience, this..

and i'm wearing down everyone around me, i guess. or am i being too hard on myself?

bumped into a secondary school senior the other night, and at the same place, a junior. all of us about 2 years apart from one another, and yet, we chatted like old friends.

and now, listening to Dick Lee's 'Life Story'. yes, depressing songs on my iTunes but well, it's the mood i have now.

i read somewhere, that men seek for ideal loves, while women, just love with all their hearts. is that true?

pardon the randomness.

2007-08-27T03:15:00.001+08:00

y'ello maaaan!

in johannesburg, and again with a nice set of crew, and just back from a drinking session with some of them.

so this time we're gonna try cinema hopping, and probably go eat steak and feast. hur hur hur.

i returned from paris with macarons and had my craving satisfied. fed everyone with macarons, and when i went back to my favourite household shop i made fast friends with the guys.

so here are some pictures of my favourite shopowners!

and as i was walking down the streets from Opera to the hotel, this guy jumped into my path when he saw me holding my camera and gamely posed for a picture with his love.

ah well, i came back with household items, macarons and met up with dora the explorer, and we bitched about work over wine and eggs. and i played tour guide to some girls as i brought them around paris.

oooh wells.

i came home, played mahjong with benjing, chilli and louis and i lost A LOT OF MONEY but thankfully i managed to recoup a bit of my losses (nonetheless i still lost) in the very last round. or rather, the many very last rounds.

and i took pictures of charcoal because he was sedated from his booster jab, and willingly stayed put for me.

but because i am lazy to put them into a collage....

and the internet connection here in jo'burg isn't helpful....

another day!

2007-08-20T14:10:00.000+08:00

it is raining here in paris, and plans of walking out after i check in have been thwarted.

so now i think i should go for a rest, then see what comes after i wake up. and since my dearest friend isn't around, for he is in singapore when i am here, i doubt there's gonna be any kinda rendezvous with any cute guys. but well, his family is gonna come down and meet me for dinner anyway. and. i am so gonna die because they speak no english at all.

hoping my french can at least take me through dinner.

mais oui! that's all i'm gonna say. oui oui oui!

2007-08-19T02:39:00.001+08:00

i hate mozzies.

i hate the fact that i always get bitten in a group of friends.

i hate mozzies.

today i am boy!

2007-08-17T08:04:00.000+08:00

have you wondered what it feels like to be on the other side?

of everything? of things you have control of, of things you have no control of?

like, say, being a guy, being single, being married, being a half of a twin, being part of a triplet, being smart, being dumb, being in another occupation, being in no occupation, being old, being young, being pretty, being ugly.... was just wondering recently if things might be the same if things weren't the same. erm. ok, sounds pretty contradicting but you should know what i mean.

yeah some of the things listed, i'd one day probably experience them. Now i know why people say life is one big contradiction. People always say as humans we have a choice in whatever we do. but I have no choice to whether I want to grow old or not, whether i am smart or not... the only choice i have regarding these choice-less issues would be whether i want to accept it or not. so probably that's what they meant when they say we all have a choice.

hmm.

and so zenn and i did a penang turn finally, fate brought us together for such a short flight, and because i saved her life, she's indebted to me forever. and today i am boy, though i cheated by choosing an easier position that what she exchanged for. and so she's heading to hamsterdamn damn. should i ask her to bring back tons of peanut butter or should i ask her to bring back other things? hmmm.

hahaha.

this also means i can bully her into playing mahjong whenever i feel like it. "but..but... i saved your life!" oOOoOOo.. so exciting to have a trump card. OooOOoOOOOoooo.

and finally paris again this weekend. no complaints, at least i get to meet up with friends again. i guess the only part i love about this job is that i get the chance to meet up with friends who are abroad. I've friends in paris, zurich, hong kong, US, taipei, london, holland, frankfurt, china, australia, italy, and even doha... and i've always been able to meet them whenever i can. managed to meet up with gigi in sydney, and spent time with her and her hostelmates, of whom MR BRYANT has become a friend because i borrowed his charger and sat on his warm bedroom floor. "it's the heater, my dear" and seeing that gigi is happier now makes me happy that she made the decision to leave everything back here at home. I guess she took my words too literally when i told her she should move on.

but well.

yeah. maybe i love this job after all.

2007-08-13T02:44:00.000+08:00

just feeling a little emo tonight.

i have been feeling overwhelmed lately, sometimes thinking about the past, about dad, about home, about money, well, almost everything. i guess we're no longer seeing dad anymore, what with the so-called "ban", and all I could think was dad lying in bed helpless.

i keep saying i wish i can do more, but i've gone to the hospital, stood in the lobby, and then turn home because i couldn't bring myself to see dad in that state. i've grown to accept that even if he should wake up one day, he won't be the same as before, and with all chances, he'd probably not even remember us.

and then i thought about how as a kid, i used to pretend that i'd fallen asleep in the car. and just so he could carry me back home into bed.

just feeling overwhelmed now.

delhi was good. very good in fact. surprisingly. and i kinda miss being in delhi with the rest of them now.

2007-08-09T12:18:00.000+08:00

the other day as i was scrolling down the list in my handphone to find mahjong kakis, i saw dad's name and i paused for a while. i really miss dad, and i feel that... i am currently in limbo right now. everything's a blur around me, and sometimes i dont know what i feel about things happening at home.

so i went to see the doctor about my backache. and after 2 hours of waiting painfully, i managed to see the doctor for a mere 10 minutes. got prodded, asked nonsensical questions which made me cringe and want to go "DUUUUUHHHHH", she diagnosed me as having MUSCLE STRAIN. when i told her i couldn't turn my neck to the right and sometimes left, she went, "All the same muscle." when i told her my right arm feels a bit numb, she went, "All the same muscle." FINE. so be it.

heading off to New Delhi later. hope my back holds up and happy holidays everyone.

GIGI!!! i'm going SYDNEY!!!

2007-08-07T06:53:00.000+08:00

my back hurts. badly. i almost couldnt get out of bed when i was in brisbane. and now i can't really move my right arm without feeling pain and all.

argh.

hate this.

2007-08-04T05:25:00.000+08:00

it's 5.30am here in taipei.

I CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP! i am so tired, but my back aches so much. In fact, that was the reason why i woke up. in pain. ouch.

and yeah, i'm back in taipei again, this time i curbed mindless shopping, apart from being at this bookstore in Shi Da night market and then i... ah well, me and my stationery attraction.

I don't know why i love notebooks, paper, pens, weird stationery stuff. BUT i do.

i can't turn my neck right because it hurts, i can't tilt my head forward because it hurts. and now i am craving for my medicated plaster. sigh.

i can't wait to get home, even though it means flight immediately the next day. i'd give up my off days anytime for taipei, i said. it's almost like a second home to me.

and because edward happened to be in taipei with his wife, we met up briefly to have dinner, and to meet his wife for the first time.

just thinking about certain things last night, and i am glad, that after all these years, i am still in touch with a few teachers, all of whom became good friends, after school. and meeting up with them, together with other long-time friends brings back fond memories of the past. and the friendship fostered over the years only grows stronger, and deeper. from sharing trivial mundane stuff to deep thoughts and secrets, from just a once-in-a-while call to catch up to promises of frequent meet-ups over coffee, food and *ahem* mahjong, we've become lifelong friends. even though my poly years were fulfilling and memorable, it is the time i spent in secondary school which still beats any other memory in time handsdown. and the primary school friends who stayed together till secondary school.. we're already nearing the 20 year mark soon.

damn.

am i growing older or what?

2007-08-02T23:44:00.000+08:00

so today i brought charcoal to the vet's and well...

let's just say i managed to stop him from scratching himself, at least till his wound heals.

AND no, i didn't castrate him. he just had a bad case of rashes.

2007-08-02T02:48:00.000+08:00

got back not too long ago from this very last minute arranged mini beer session at wala's, and ended abruptly with some interesting topic over the table. I wonder who the fuck started it.

so anyway, zurich (yes, again) was pretty ok, the weather held up though clouds were threatening to pour buckets over our heads, and on the flight up, i managed to make a friend out of a passenger, whom I met up with on the second day when yves came over with his friend and the small group consisting of 1 singaporean girl, 1 argentinian girl, 1 french guy, 1 swiss guy, and 1 italian guy (pick the odd one out) made its way down to the lake where I finally had lunch at this highly praised House Of Spaghetti, and i ate till my mind went crazy. we had wine with cheese fondue after a heavy lunch, and then they made me eat more dessert. how sinful. but i'm glad to have made yet another friend in a foreign land. yeah, like what one of the senior crew said, you'll never know how much you can learn from someone else, and how much you can grow learning about someone else.

so this morning when i came home, mum was telling me how we might not have the chance to head back to the hospital again. which made me want to cry badly, but i held back the tears as she drove on home. there isn't any point letting the tears run dry, and i guess i'll just have to grit and move on. yet again, i stole peeks from the photo albums left in mum's room and then felt sad all over again. and charcoal's losing weight (why him and not me?!) and apparently the groomer thinks he's down with some parasite in his tummy, so tomorrow morning's dedicated to spending time with charcoal. with most of his hair gone, i do think he's lost quite a bit of weight, even though he's eating as much, if not more, than what he used to eat. could it be because dad is no longer around to feed him junk food?

sigh. i try to make myself happier, but sometimes being at home makes me feel that i'm just waiting for dad to come home. i sit at the edge of the bed where he liked to sit at and then i miss the very few and brief moments we spent talking, with charcoal trying to snatch the bread out of dad's hands, and when there are important decisions to be made the whole family would gather in the room and talk. his obnoxious laughter whenever mum dissed him at something, and when mum and i went down to the hospital the other day, as mum was talking to dad in his subconsciousness, i realised i learnt a lot more about my parents then compared to before. i never knew dad always liked mum's cooking compared to what he gets elsewhere. and i learnt what dad's favourite dish apart from mum's yam rice is. and that made me feel sad because i don't know much about dad. and i only have myself to blame.

and so i was reading through the past few days' or weeks, or even months' blog entries, and realised i've been posting nothing but unhappy entries day by day. yeah there are random bleeps of happiness and ecstacy, but mostly depressing, depressing thoughts. and i guess it's pretty much down to whatever's bugging me deep down inside. i tend to feel a lot more for people recently. sadness tends to be magnified to the thousands, and happiness just ... kinda fleets past. i feel so much sadness inside me, so much sadness for other people who go through difficult times, it sometimes overwhelms me and consumes me in a way i can't even fathom. i can be happy in front of others, but when the doors are closed and i face the room alone, all i want to do is hide in the cupboard and cry. it happens a lot less frequent nowadays though, what with my obsession to finish watching alias, coupled with the fact i've been meeting up with a lot of people these few days.

ah wells. there comes a time i will get tired of myself feeling so sad and all, and smack myself over the head with anything i can lay my hands on. after all, we have to move on in life, no?

season 3 of alias shows michael vaughn as the suay-est person in the whole freaking world in my opinion. how many people do you know go to the hospital with major injuries like.. every 3 days? and gets beaten up ever so often? but yet i see the entanglement between vaughn, reed (his wife, who didn't even last till the last minute in the season) and bristow and it tugs. and i think i am slowly getting tired of bristow's need to have all her questions answered. and the ever-existing need to have her family tree laid out for her.

and as i am typing all this, i wonder if i am somewhat like her in certain ways.

argh such a long post, which somehow doesn't really link up nor make any sense, maybe the beer's still running in the blood.

what do i make do with the treasure box should i ever find that rainbow?

2007-07-27T23:21:00.001+08:00

d'OH! d'oH! d'oh!

hahahaha, i watched THE SIMPSONS! and i think i might want to watch again!! D'OH!

.whimsical fantasies.

i'm shifting~!

seulement, ce nuit, ce vie.

don't save me.

morbid

one more leg to home.

misfortune

a series of unfortunate events.

weddings and marriages; like cakes and tummyaches.

back...

holA!

i'm back...

the realisation.

if there ever is an award...

in a male dominated world.

new york new york

take-offs.. and landings.

little miss manners.

hooookay!

weird dreams

london bridge has frozen.

hmmm.

cookies 'n cream

it is so awfully hottttt!

*ahhhhh CHOO!*

4 lines. 4 words.

growing up hatred.

triste.

daaang!

bubble teaaaaa

arrrrrgh.

seriously.

i got flowers!

i'm old, boring and predictable.

SHUCKS!

not a sunday...

it's time.

the water is wide...

zzzless.

listening vs hearing.

so in 2007.. i've learnt..

please handle with care.

i seriously do not..

2008 eh? i've been muted.

Feliz Navidad... Joyeux Noël... frohe Weihnachten...

i have an untitled blog post.

of falling snow and runaway sanity

parce que c'est toi... because it's you.

daylight-saving time

if only i could turn back time...

for all my lovely friends out there who are....

i got nicky-ed!

soothing words from a treasured friend.

money woes.

Fly Away

today i am boy!

ahhhhh CHOO!