it's time.

i need to find peace, and happiness within myself.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

i'm tired of being the one who's making everyone else upset. i'm tired of saying sorry when things go wrong, because it happens far too often. i'm tired of hearing sorrys, because it only makes me feel frustrated that things have come to this stage. i'm starting to detest, and really detest, the word 'sorry', because it slowly means nothing to me anymore. i'm tired of losing my temper ever so easily, because i never used to. and i dont know how to deal with this because i've never done it before.

i'm not trying hard enough, and it's not fair for me to put anyone through all this.

the water is wide...

Sarah McLachlan - The Water is Wide
with The Indigo Girls and Jewel
from Lilith Fair: a Celebration of Women in Music

The water is wide, I can't cross o'er
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I

Now love is gentle, and love is kind
the sweetest flower when first it's new
but love grows old, and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew

There is a ship, she sails the sea
she's loaded deep as deep can be
but not as deep as the love I'm in
I know not how I sink or swim

The water is wide, I can't cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I
and both shall row - my love and I *lyrics from: lyrics007.com

how do you find happiness in a life you see no future in?
and everywhere you turn, somehow you have this sense of melancholy, and with that, a heavy heart.
how do i lighten steps which feel laden with lead?
which seem to leave dark imprints on the ground i walk?

how many people must i hurt before it seems enough?
how do i get rid of all these frustrations... everything that consumes me?

i thought i'd take a nap before leaving london later.

but i tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. stared at the only family picture i have on my handphone wallpaper... and slowly wondered if i am still living a dream.

it just feels.. somehow... that dad is still around, you know? and that when i wake up later i'll see him.

and sometimes i just don't want to wake up. because waking up means i have to face reality. yet if i am living a dream now, maybe when i wake up dad will still be around.

sigh.

zzzless.

4.18am.
and dear me needs to wake up to prepare for flight around 8am.
quickly rush to beat the morning office go-ers on wheels, and get lost on the roads leading to the arrival pick up area.

i am slowly being repaired, but the voice is nowhere near angelic. and london tomorrow, as well as in the new roster.

remind me never to complain ever again about not having london flights in a long while, and having too many paris/zurich flights. I actually miss zurich.

and so.

off days don't ever seem to be enough, and it's scary really how i no longer can picture myself doing other kinds of work already.

this is sad. tres triste!

such is life, isn't it? it's only 3 months into the new year, and by first week of march i already would have been to london thrice.

my second home.

listening vs hearing.

after a talk with a close friend a couple of days back, i can see why sometimes things don't work out between two people.

listen, and acknowledge you're listening to what the other party says.
people can tell whether you are really listening, or just letting the words flow thru from the left ear to the right one.

and slowly the person will give up trying to tell you anything at all.

simply because, there is just no point.

for that person will only be talking to a wall.

so in 2007.. i've learnt..

... not to bother too much about tarnished nails so long as i can't tell they are tarnished from far.
... super shiny top coats and fast drying top coats (talking about nails duh duh duh) are the answers to beautiful nails.
... big huge corporations have big huge idiots sitting at the top with big huge goals and no big huge ideas how to attain them.
... flu can be contagious, even over facebook.
... certain problems are not that easily settled by replacing the number of losses, because you simply take away the quality.
... that one cannot be expected to give first class end product when being compensated peanuts.

ooooh i'm such a whiner.

but on the bright side,
i am recovering from the horrid flu and slowly passing on to whoever i've spoken to over facebook, and msn. I am evil. i really cant help it, but i've got half the people online in my list with the nickname "flu.... flu....stupid dripping nose" or similar.

and on the brighter side,
i think i will lose weight if more of my flights depart from terminal 2 instead of 3. such a freaking distance to walk.

bah.

and to step down from the hong kong flight i was called up for, and then called up later for a bangkok turnaround was a gift.
lur-va-lee.

p/s: should i worry that i'm thinking about cheesecake and deep fried chicken wings and steak and ice cream and tom yum soup and korean instant noodles when it is near midnight (read: bedtime) and i still have a cough and sore throat?

please handle with care.

and i am defective. like spoilt goods. i decided i can't operate flight tonight, and dragged myself out of bed to visit the doctor. so i am diagnosed, tagged, with viral infection; symptoms being sore throat, full blown flu, cough, muscle ache, and the freaking low blood pressure again.

it's been a while since i feel so ill. yeah i've had downtimes but this seems like the first in a long while that i took so many days off work to recuperate. sigh.

so another 2 days in addition to my first mc in 2008. and it's not even... 2 weeks into the new year. what a start.

waiting for the medication to set in before i succumb to sleep. and managed to surf blogs and found this gem... posting it up because i feel that.. it is very meaningful.

hoping dad is happier wherever he is.


千の風になって



(translation)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

*source: sharon

i seriously do not..

...need any more emails telling me i should increase my penis size or satisfy my girlfriend better in bed.

how do i let them know that i have no penis whatsoever, and i only need to know how to satisfy men in bed?

sigh. the sleeping schedule is pretty good, i think i have been getting a lot of sleep this week compared to last month, but i still dont feel like i'm recovering from my cough flu laryngitis watchamacallit.

and i really don't want to take another day's mc.

it sucks.

being sick sucks.

*roooooooooooooooooar..cough cough cough*

i survived the 14 hour flight back from london sitting in the cramped cramped seat. and a colleague with conjunctivitis paxed back together with me. but sadly i wasn't much of a companion to him because i promptly knocked out after 10 minutes of my ingestion of flu medicine.

apparently the tylenol did nothing to him and he suffered by watching 3 films and having his meals.

ok the voice is coming back, but i've been vice-free for 5 days in a roll. maybe i can quit my bad vices like smoking and drinking. then again. social drinking ain't really drinking right?

and then sheldy had to send me this link to bachelors on deal or no deal. you know what i say? sigh. no deal. apart from the chosen 2. the babes on deal or no deal are so much more lookable than the guys.

sigh. no more cute guys here in sunny singapore. i'm depressed. i need alcohol.

ok bye bye more sleep time.

2008 eh? i've been muted.

what a start to a brand new year.

and here i am in london, without my voice. literally. and i am down with flu. so it's aching bones and a freaking headache that wouldn't go away. and the voice didn't come back.

my body is breaking down majorly, in qian's words.

and so i can't go out and get the things i want or need to get. i succumbed to ordering room service in london. OH THE HORRORS. and it costs like.... near SGD450 to call a doctor here. i want to be a doctor in london.

i don't make any new year resolutions.

but i thought about it when i was waiting for the doctor to come... and i think this year i will get more sleep, i will get rid of this horrible temper i adopted in 2007, and not change away off days for flights anymore.

ok.

hmm. ya ok.

and now i sleep.

i spent the night wondering why i couldn't find the energy in myself to plan the birthday party for the boyfriend. i used to do things like that in the past... even though it's pretty much a hassle but it was a joy to see someone enjoy himself. but this year, it just seemed too much of a hassle.

argh. things which made me happy before no longer make me happy anymore. i baked today, and i threw out the thing cos i just didn't like the way it turned out.

and i wondered why people have so many pictures of themselves and their other halves, but i don't think i do.. and the most ironic part? the bf's a photographer.

oh well.

tomorrow is the last day of 2007. like angie said. should leave all sadness behind.

*takes deep breath*

ting shared with me when i told her i felt like just lying in hospital and see if anyone would ever care. it'd be a sad picture. so many people are concerned, so many people care, but at the end of the day... it's back to feeling the loneliness.

i probably need a break from everything, everyone and anyone.

how i wish i can just lie down in bed, oblivious to what goes on in the world.... probably stoned unconscious, and see if anyone cares.

and wake up only when things have been settled, when people have moved on, when i know i am ready to be who i was before, when i can be happier.

i can't go on being the present me. i'm mean, i want to hurt people's feelings, i don't care shit about what others think already.

and when i cower under the covers, i sob and sob to no end.

and so i think i want to disappear. forever.

that night jamaican sex god said something that made me ponder the whole night. the exact words i remember not, but it was along the lines of .... nowhere near achieving anything when we're gonna be 26 soon.

hell true. i'm smelling 26 in the distance, and i'm nowhere near what i set out to achieve when i left poly.

what the fuck am i doing with my life?

just let me sleep forever. at least hopefully when i wake up i am famous and have achieved my dreams. even though it means not being able to experience the process. i no longer want to savour my achievements, i just want something to my name.

you get what i mean?

i read this somewhere.

"Time doesn't heal. It just numbs you, so that you'll be ready to move on."

and so true.

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and there goes christmas. sad to say, i don't really believe in the twelve days of christmas, because i still think it was an excuse to party longer and get drunk longer.

but heh heh.
 
xmas this year was spent doing a bali nightstop, and treated to a balinese massage. I think i still prefer the massages in china.

nostalgia seeps back into thoughts when a familiar, old favourite christmas song is played in the distance. you stop, and wonder what about the song made you love it, or find comfort in it. it brings you back, to Christmas past.

is that what they meant by the ghost of christmas past?

giving up my christmas just to spend the night in bali gave me an earlier start to my leave till the end of this year. and counting down to the start of 2008 does nothing to make me feel comforted... that my close friends in this airline, those who keep me sane and care for me loads, have quit and with one heading to london in a few months' time... ... sigh.

so today was spent catching up with the teamies, or rather. all ex teamies. and before the girls came, the teamboy and i spent time catching up, and when i opened the present he gave me, it was just as practical as he could get. but in all aspects, i appreciate the thought, gesture and the gift. just probably the next time i hope it would be all calculated and preferably in notes. and for making sure i was ok before he left by walking me all the way to my next appointment, thank you.

and the long conversation after dinner left me thinking. i knew it hasn't been easy to stick through the past few months, and in many ways i'm sorry for causing hurt to people who care, just because i hurt.

ever felt that you actually don't know someone as well as you think you do, or as well as you know you should? the feeling sucks. and when you realise that others don't see you in the way you see them... it hurts.

i am as random as i can be now. everything's changing around us... and in our struggle to catch up with the changes, we fail to notice what has always been constant, the things which keep us sane.

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Feliz Navidad... Joyeux Noël... frohe Weihnachten...

and christmas day to me... is just a sign that the year is ending.

looking back on 2007, i don't know if i am happy, or sad; hopeful, or dejected... all i know is, it wasn't easy for me to move on, and i still find it difficult sometimes to move on. yet the world doesn't stop turning, and time never stops for me. my problems, compared to those of the world... are always small. words from the wise one, who many years back, gave me endless encouragement and support.

how many of us are willing to let go of the past, then? I know i can't. and i am not willing. the past brings many wonderful memories which... sometimes evoke a lot of emotions. yet happy memories are never happier, sad memories just seem sadder.

perhaps i sound very morbid. but i am. never a day passes by without me feeling the hurt of the loss, or without me reliving the day i got the news. letting go is not easy. either that, or maybe i just don't want to let go.

and it's just 7 more days to the new year. and i wonder if one year ago on this date i was looking forward to anything at all. what should i be seeking in this year to come? what should be my new goals? i know nothing, and i yearn for nothing anymore.

but yet, christmas... the mere thought of it meant snow, turkey, gifts, fireplace.... pictures we grew up with in connection to the festival. should it always be a happy festival? do people cry on christmas?

and so, i post my favourite christmas song, and one i find especially meaningful today, this year.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Merry Christmas everyone.

the new roster came out.

and SERIOUSLY.

i'm still trying to see if they'd given me the wrong roster. but probably it's to make up for the lack in allowances for the past 3 months.

listening to other people talk about how the proposed changes might really take place in the near future doesn't make me ooh-so=glad at all. and envying all those other people who's left.

oh well.

keep those fingers crossed for me, will ya?

I was watching this hong kong drama serial, and in the show, they showed a lot of chinese art and calligraphy... and i suddenly remembered how i used to do calligraphy when i was young. actually, granddad was the one who taught me calligraphy. Sunday afternoons after the mandatory "Journey to the West" on tv, he would put out the paper and ink brushes, and i always had joy using the ink stone. I'd always wonder how come all we had to do was to add water to the stone and then there would be ink.

i learnt how to write proper chinese words with the brush, and though i could never write beautifully, and with my limited number of words (i was only about 6, what do you expect?) granddad would never fail to praise us and patiently taught us new words. i never learnt how to use the brush to draw, i remember attending one session of calligraphy art in primary school, and all i learnt was to draw pandas, and bamboo plants. I did remember learning how to draw the koi, but i did that sitting at the pond in primary school. i guess my calligraphy phase was pretty short-lived. granddad didn't write much after we grew up, and thinking back, i feel pretty sad now that i never used to spend more time with him learning such things.

he had a knack for handiwork. he made a kelong out of sticks and weaving strings. and i would always have fun playing with the kelong, cos he would make a fishing net that could be levered up and down. the kelong is now encased at home...

suddenly i had this urge to want to go back home to look for that slab of ink stone and my ink brushes. not that i'd use it to draw or write, but just want to ... reminisce the past.

oh wells.

and today was spent pretty much productively, i watched many episodes online, and did quite a bit of work. using photoshop without a mouse has always been my forte, but after so many months of reliance on a mouse, i couldn't really function proper here just because the handy mouse isn't with me. argh.

hoping this burst of creative spark stays in my head for a while. gotta jot down ideas ideas ideas.

coming home tomorrow night! so many things i want to do and hoping that it would all be worth it.

xoxo

i have an untitled blog post.

I am slogging in front of my computer in my room, well, slogging for work i think i will kinda like once i get it up and running, not that i'm complaining. i set the aircon in the room to a temperature which doesn't look freezing in numbers, but it sure feels like it's freezing cold.

this set of crew i'm with here in abu dhabi are the fun crowd, and we had fun on board, as well as in this.. pretty forsaken place. everyone had their misgivings about this trip, but we felt immediately better after we knew all of us were out to have fun. Well, at least we intend to go out a bit, club a bit, and shop a bit. Oh well, we settled the go out a bit part, we're gonna settle the shop a bit part in a while, and the club a bit part tonight. and probably repeat the whole process tomorrow.

and part of the reason why i never turned up the temperature is... because.... i bought milk and i want to keep it cold. Don't laugh. I know i have a refrigerator in the room, but somehow rather i can't open it, because i don't have the key, and i don't want to call the minibar staff to come up because i don't want to change into more decent looking clothes.

so there. i'd rather suffer in the cold. but this chilly aircon wind beats the dreary weather in New York anytime any day.

i ate wayyyy too much meat today i feel so carnivorous. *ROOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR*

yeah it comes and goes, but i know i'm feeling better. i just hope it stays this way, the feeling better part.

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almost every flight i go on these few days i hear people saying, "this is my last few flights!" sigh. sometimes i wish i have better plans, or at least afford to quit. but i can't.

anyway i'm in bombay now and logging on using my hp. wishing i could be home instead. tired and i am gonna sleep and sleep now tt i've had dinner.

please, i'm hoping for a good flight home.

i've never been so broke in my whole life.

and now i look at the pending credit card statements (mind you, i am no shopaholic, the purchases were necessary for home) and i am starting to panic a little. it almost feels like these few weeks i've been working for free. whatever came into the bank account, went out to bills.

shucks.

i need to find a better source of income during my off days. argh.