i amsterdam!

Just got back from Amsterdam this morning and after 2 hours of disturbed sleep, I decided to just forget about sleeping and watch TV.

Met up with Aleskander after I suddenly remembered that he was posted to Holland for work a couple of years back. Forced him to head out to Amsterdam and meet me. So we headed down to the Van Gogh Museum early in the morning, and spent a good 3 hours there.

It's amazing how Van Gogh depicts life in a way that others cannot fathom. Why did he see life in grey, despite painting in colours? What drove him to depression? Why does one get famous only after death? But I learnt a lot about the man himself, and many others who followed in his works. I must say, I am intrigued. To the extent that I am actually thinking of going to Arles or Auvers to take a look at where Van Gogh used to spend most of his life in.

Alesk was patient enough to sit out the whole Van Gogh 'discovery' journey with me, well... I didn't speak to him much during the time spent in the museum cos I was so engrossed in the audio guide that I had. Headed to the Albert Cuyp Market... lunched, walked abit before he had to head back to work. So I strolled alone, and walked, and got lost in the sights and the quaint little shops.. until I realised it was getting dark and I should head back to the hotel. I took out the map, looked at the streets and couldn't find the name on my map. Headed into the nearest shop, map in hand and asked the lady where I was. She took the map, stared at it for a good 5 minutes, turned it around, looked at me and said, "Miss, I think you're no longer on the map."

And then I backtracked, and at a junction, I stopped to take out my map again, this Dutch guy cycled up to me and asked, "Hey, do you know where you are?" I thought my knight in shining armour had arrived to send me back to the hotel, but not wanting to look weak, I answered brightly and confidently with a smile, "Yeah sure! Thanks!" ... and then he said, "Oh cool, because I don't know where I am and I'm trying to get to Lindchguacht." ... So much for chivalry. I gave him directions and went on my way.

Sometimes I enjoy long walks alone. Gives one enough time to think. Or too much time to think? I don't know. But it feels darn good to just enjoy the solitude, not having to bother about what to talk about, not having to entertain people when you don't feel like it, and just doing the things you want to and not follow what someone else wants to do.

Clears one's mind and soul.

puzzled.

Have you ever felt small in front of someone else? Like, by seeing a particular person you feel shaken, insecure, inferior and you lose your confidence? I don't know why, but sometimes I get that kinda feeling.

Today I bumped into someone, and for that brief moment, suddenly I felt unlike myself. I didn't know where to put my hand, should I stand or sit, is my hair in place, is my makeup alright... I became so conscious of myself.

Why am I feeling like that?

*****

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running

But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

Until the end, until this pool of blood
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of...

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...

All we are, all we are
Is bullets I mean this
[x4]

As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun

And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever
~~~ Demolition Lovers, My Chemical Romance

yippee!

Yay! I'm up and running again! But it's been a full day of slacking at home to catch up on my appetite and sleep. And my, I have been eating a lot. ARgh.

All the crazy flying around without any off days has gotten to me. Now I crave for days off at home, and time to rest my mind, and catch up with friends... Just the other night I made a surprise attendance at McD's cos I knew Yan and Fat would be there studying. And although it was a short 'guest appearance' from me, I felt better after seeing them.

Anyway, I've decided to go back to dancing. Paul was online, and he influenced me by telling me how happy he is now in the School of Arts, Dancing in London. Bitch. So my feet are just aching to move and watching 'So You Think You Can Dance' didn't help ease that ache.

M was just telling me how two people can move on in life together, but at different speeds. What one party wants at that time might not be what the other wants, but by the time the other party wants the same thing, the first party would already be wanting another thing. Probably confusing, but absolutely true. But how do you find someone who wants the same thing as you do, at the exact same time? How do you find someone who walks totally in step with you, not a step too fast nor too slow... how do you feel in sync with that person?

Christmas is just one month away. I think as I grow older, the idea of Christmas just isn't that appealing anymore. But I would love for a traditional Christmas dinner, one round a big long table, with turkey, roast potatoes, stollen bread, Christmas pudding.... a feast. With friends, family, or ... well... but I don't even know where I'd be that day. And if I were away, would I feel lonely in this big, big world with people around me?

And do dreams signify anything at all? I wish I have someone who can decipher my dreams, and what they are trying to tell me. Hmmm.

On a separate issue, I just realised the new toothpaste that mum bought from Darlie...contains water from France.

high on drugs..

So how do we know if someone is the right one for us? How do we know if someone is worth all the effort, the pain and sacrifice(s)?

Ok, so I'm delirious from all the medication that I'm taking. Fever medicine, 2 tablets 4 times daily, pills for the nausea, 1 tablet 3 times daily, pills for the diarrhea, 1 pill 3 times daily, and pills for the giddiness, 2 tablets 3 times daily. And Gigi says I sound happier. Like, more normal and all. So what happens after I go off the medication?

Yeah, I was just talking to someone and probably it really is none of my business, but I got frustrated at the fact that he allowed her to twirl him around with her erratic emotions, and then it got me thinking... how much can you love and tolerate someone before you really call it quits? Or are some of us just addicted to... being tortured?

Then how does one really get rid of the past when it's ... wham-smacked right into your face? Hokay, getting rid isn't the right term, but how does one pick up and move on, move away from the past? Can we fit into the present when the other's past is lingering around? You know... you pack your stuffs, and then POOF! something from the past appears... your phone rings, then OOPS! his name appears on the screen. And then you start getting confused about what the other wants. So ya. Especially when one is high on medication, everything becomes kind of a blur.

Sigh. I'm deluded. Is there always someone you fall back on, someone you go back to after each failed relationship? So does that make the rest of us just.. passers-by in another person's life? I probably might have made an imprint in someone's life, but now that I've moved on, the only wish I have is not to be another person's passer-by. It's not that hard right? But apparently it is.

How do you know if you... really really really really like someone? And between the term "really really really really like" and love, how do you tell the friggin' difference? And how do you tell someone that you... really really really really like him?

"So... what? You're in a 'sort-of' relationship?"
"Sort of... yeah. Sort of."

argh.

I have no idea why, but whenever I get a long break from work, I fall sick. It's almost as if I'm not allowed to enjoy my off days. Argh. Ah well, I just got back from Zurich a couple of days back, and I had my cheeeeeeeese fondue! And Movenpick ice cream! Yum yum.

Okie. I'm feeling drowsy again, and I wanna shower but my muscles and bones are aching. I'm sick so I have the right to be lazy.

LEAVE ME ALONE. hur hur hur.

the evil side...

Ever had the temptation to do something really evil?

Like to do something that you obviously know it's wrong but yet you want to taste the danger?

Why is it always so tempting to taste the forbidden fruit? Why do we secretly seek to taste the fruit? Probably, for a brief moment, one feels wickedly glad to have done it, and then start to ponder about the consequences should the deed be found out.

But what if that person continues to feel wickedly glad? Without a tinge of regret?

I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start or what to say.

Are single women really a threat to attached/ married women?

Sigh, I'm so tired I'm not thinking clearly. My thoughts aren't strung up together, it's so random I have to use a butterfly net to catch it.

Quote of the night: "How many of us have great sex with someone whom we are ashamed to introduce our friends to?" ~ Sex & The City

copenhagen-dazs

hur hur hur. No, I doubt Haagen Dazs has anything to do with Copenhagen, but well, some photos!

We went to the Carlsberg brewery on the day we touched down, though it felt more like a museum. Nothing fantastic, apart from the drinking bit at the brewery. Hopefully the Heineken brewery in Amsterdam will not disappoint as mucH!

Then on the second day, we headed out after conning the lazy team girl and the first officer into cycling with us. Weather was good, although it felt cold certain parts of the day, but we made it around, until my ankle injury threatened to take the fun away.

Photos!







Ok, heading off to Osaka tonight! Katsu-don, here I come!

maxed out...

I really wish I can have more than 24 hours in a day... I want to spend a lot of time with someone, I want to spend a lot of time with friends, I want to spend a lot of time sleeping, I want to spend a lot of time... being alone.

At this time of the night, I know I should really be asleep, but I can't help but shed silent tears listening to songs. Songs which matter to me. Then I want to do so many things... But I have no energy to. How can one, when the number of hours she's slept in the week can be counted on both hands?

I'm maxed out. I know I am. I know I am.

help.

I still burn....

Happened to hear this song played over iTunes at a friend's house couple of days back, and for the next few days, the lyrics and tune got stuck in my head.

Very meaningful... and really relates to many people.

*****

I Still Burn - Tobias Regne

I can't say I feel alright
I can't say I'm sleeping through the night
I can't say I haven't thought about you .. about you
You have always had a way
of seeing through the crazy things I say
Like I'm better off without you ..
but without you the truth is

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood
I'm tired of living in a lie
I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts
Cause I still burn .. I still burn

I remember when the lights went out
And the world forgot to turn around
And everything was closing in on me .. on me
I swore that I would make it through
I wouldn't hit the ground because of you
That was a promise I couldn't keep
can't you see

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood
I'm tired of living in a lie
I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts
Cause I still burn .. I still burn

Cause I still burn

At the mention of your name
And the picture of your face
the heat I can't escape

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood

I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts

Oh baby it hurts
Cause I still burn
I burn
Cause I still burn