MyHeritage.com

Again, another bored day at home. It's raining and I can't go down to the beach!

So I was chatting with Sel, and then he told me to go MyHeritage.com. And so I did. And then the next half an hour or so, I was stuck with putting up pictures and seeing who I resembled.

Heh.

All you people who have taken photos with me before, BEWARE!!!



This is a picture of Val and I in London...



A pic of Sel & I taken outside The University of Sydney... and I quote "I don't wanna look like a dead gay!" :P



This was taken at Louis' birthday party last year. HahaHAahAh, apparently he looks like Stephen Chow.



A narcissistic picture of myself. Who is Ha Ji-Won anyway?



And then I put up Charcoal's pic for fun. But no matches.

So.. I have a typical Asian face with my small eyes. Sigh. NO chance of me looking like Angelina Jolie ever.

My love language... haha!

I... erm... was bored. So...

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		11
Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

beauty.

I've learnt, that beauty comes with a price to pay.

I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again.

Slap me with a trout if you ever see me being vain again.

::unprotected::

Nightmares plague me every night, haunting me in my sleep. I toss and turn, I wake up in tears, yet I don't remember much.

Snippets, snippets and snippets.... Photographs of my haunting dreams pieced up to tell a whole new story.

I feel vulnerable.

I feel exposed.

I feel... left alone.

Give me a box. I want to stay inside my box.

Back from Karachi...

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.
The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other.
- excerpt from Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

Touched down from Karachi, Pakistan, early yesterday morning. I have nothing much to say about Karachi, cos I spent 90% of my time in the hotel, catching up on rest and my reading. Being a closet nerd that I am, I was elated when I finished one book.

Read Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, and was rather surprised to find that I could actually relate to many instances mentioned in the story, a real-life account of a prostitute who was trying to find herself. Life is, by itself, a contradictory stage. It is too long, too draggy for one to suffer, yet too short, too abrupt, for anyone to make mistakes. For me, in the midst of trying to live life, I lose myself and not know what I want out of life. Heck, sometimes I don't even know who I am. Am I still bursting with energy, full of zest for things I do, full of curiosity for all new things... or am I jaded with life, with love, with everything and just about everyone?

I have no fucking idea.

*****

Anyway, Karachi. Dusty and we were advised not to drink water from the taps, or eat any fresh salads, or take drinks with ice cubes, lest we fall ill. Things there are really affordable! I went with S$30, and I still had about S$4 when I came home, even after spending money on desserts, snacks, a very filling dinner, and a scrumptious breakfast in the room! Hotel staff are really hospitable, and they made sure we were well taken care off.

Val and I operated the same flight again, and she went out the next day with 2 other ladies to sight-see. I stayed in, and went out alone in the afternoon. When I got out of the hotel, I had a shock. I didn't see any women at all, NONE. And, being the only woman on the street, I got followed, got stared at, got pestered by taxi drivers trying to bring me around for shopping. So, I got freaked out and didn't tour further than the street I was on. Sigh.

*****

It was Val's birthday on our way back to SIN, so I wished her twice, once in Singapore time and one Pakistan time.

I LOVE YOU BABE! Hope you had a real enjoyable birthday! Thanks for always being there, and I'm so gonna miss you on my flights.

*****

Qian called me from Dhaka, and we spent a good almost-two hour chat on the phone. The phone bill's crazily high, but nothing's too much or too expensive for a dear friend.

I'm glad you called, babe.

*****

It's funny how we always term it "women's intuition", when a woman gets this naggy feeling about something and it comes out true.

I had this same feeling a couple of days back, but I don't dare to know if my so-called intuition is true or not.

Even if it's true, there's nothing I can do about it.

*****

And...

No, you can't love two people at the same time.

Finally... updates....

Sorry for the delayed update. Was too lazy to edit any photos, and with Photoshop working SLOW (I repeat, DOUBLY SLOW) on my Windows, it took me practically the whole night to edit the freaking photos!!!

And so I decided to work on my iBook, and I think, I overloaded too many photos at a go... and... I think it kinda crashed.

I hope my iBook's still surviving, thing is, it's not starting up. And I'm worried. Cos I never backed up anything in there. I should, right? Was procrastinating the backup thingy. ARGH! It just had to happen at this time! IDIOT!

Yeah. I'm rambling cos it's 6 am and I am nowhere near sleepy.

-------

Sydney

Went to Sydney on my first solo flight, and good thing for me, Val happened to do the next flight to Sydney as well. So we met up, and then Selwyn came down to show us around!

We went to this place called "Pancakes on the Rocks" for brunch, and it was YUMMY. Ok, I'm a sucker for desserts, but then it was really cheap and good! Sel was very sweet to have spent his whole day with us, doing all the tourist-y things like taking photos, ooo-ing and aah-ing at stuffs...



Kinda hoping to go back to Sydney again soon though.

*****

Beijing

And then it was Beijing.

Met up with Fat and we went to have a great scrumptious dinner which cost less than S$20! Where could you get such a good deal? Things are pretty cheap in Beijing, but I didn't get to do much shopping cos I slept the afternoon away before I met him.

It was great catching up with him over dinner... it seemed like such a long while since we had a heart-to-heart talk. Good to see that he's moving on well, and settling well into the city.

Still, Fat, we miss you and hope you are coming back soon!



And, oh oh!, Fat made a jigsaw picture of him and I, with some really nice touching words.

Thank you for being there for me always too, bro. Thank you for always supporting me.

*****

London

Just got back from London on Friday morning. London was... well, wet. It was COLD and raining almost every hour! Val, Dora and I went on this flight together, and once we settled into the hotel, I called Kelly up in her room and made her come to my room to chat. I really miss having them around.

London was good for sight-seeing. Next morning, Val and I hopped on the Big Bus and went around town. A "coffee-break" (cos we were freezing in the wind) ended up a long shopping spree where I finally managed to find my winter jackets and Val spent a bomb on caps, bags and what-nots. We watched Phantom of the Opera (Original London cast) and were struggling to stay awake through the whole show cos we were just too tired. But the musical was lovely, lovely. I would love to watch it again, but I guess my next show in London would be perhaps Les Miserables or Stomp!

Dora had a friend, Jeff, join us when we were on standby in the hotel. So the four of us did nothing but played cards in the room, ate cup noodles and dilly-dallied around. Luckily dinner was a longer break, and we went down to Marks & Spencer's and I almost went crazy deciding what to buy from there. I LOVE THE COUS COUS THERE!!! it was SUPERB.

Ok, my iBook failed on me at this point, and I had to re-edit the photos from my PC. So... I got lazy and just decided to put up these few pics.




*****

Next month's roster looks promising. Hoping to go more places and save up for my future plans....

*****

I'm keeping my fingers crossed on my iBook. I've tons of pics in there and I haven't backed up.

Pray hard for me.

I just want...

Qian sent me an sms the other day... "i want a decent, very good looking and very rich man who loves me. is that asking too much?"

Me too. Just that I don't really need a very good looking or very rich man. Just... decent, and loves me alot.

Is that too much?

*****

Been lazy to edit pictures from my first few flights, but it was fun.

Off to London tomorrow.. I promise a full run-through of all my flights! With pics! when I come back that is.

Love ya all.

*****

Updated (after Qian read what I wrote):

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:16 PM)
like the perfect guy never exists u noe

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:25 PM)
and even if he does im not lucky enough to have him


She's my new philosopher.

Feelings...

I hate the way I'm feeling now. I'm feeling... hurt... sad... lost... envious... and perhaps.. jealous?

I hate ambiguity in anything.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, am I?

Why why why why why?

My "P" plate is on again...

Tomorrow is my doomsday. My first solo flight. To Sydney... Hopefully things turn out well, and I don't get into trouble.

Hesitant, nervous, and worried... But I am not going to let it get to me!!! ARGH!

Oh, the furniture came today, and I had fun shifting around stuffs in my room. My stuffs are still very messiy packed, but... at least it's neater and nicer. I have a TV corner and a sleeping place! WOO HOO!! Er.. wanted to take pictures and put up, but... you know... messy... *heh heh*

So I was bored last night and was just surfing online, and read someone's blog from *gasp* her first entry to current. Thankfully it wasn't years and years of history... Funnily, I could relate very much to her relationship... and in a way, I guess I am somewhat like her, past and present.

It's scary how a relationship can be so fragile... At some point, one party will forget why he or she fell in love with the partner, and perhaps will disregard and take for granted the other party's feelings.

Yet it feels good to be crazily in love, that rush of adrenaline when your lips touch, that tingling feeling you get when his fingers run down your back...

Oh well.

Love hurts eh?

Odd odd..

It's already near 4am and yet I am still very much awake. It's been a boring Friday night, with my plans to go see Eligible Bachelors at MOS cancelled cos I just didn't have the energy to go swoon at men. So Val and Amin called, and demanded that I joined them for coffee, and again, I was plain lazy. Then my dear Jacob called, to join him for drinks at MS, and then again, I didn't want to go because... I was tired. And then I stayed home to play with Charcoal. And blogged. And watched TV. And ate ice cream.

Then the weirdest thing happened.

Despite the hurt, I still very much want to care for him as a friend. In any case, we were good friends before we were together. I asked after him. He was fine, apart from his ever-rising credit card bills. He's stopped clubbing for a while so that he could get his finances in check. Relationship is ok, apart from the normal misgivings and stuffs. And he feels more like an island.

I told him I was really tired and wanted to go home. He reeked of alcohol and I offered to drive him home safely, but he declined. Yet he didn't seem like he wanted to go home.

Perhaps ultimately, I'm just a replacement for someone in everyone's lifes. Perhaps you will never love me as much as you loved her then or perhaps now, or maybe I can never be that special someone who can be part of your life. Worst still, I can never be as good as who I am replacing.

Pain. Pain is an addiction I can never rid myself of. An addiction so strong, I could stab myself over and over again. Morbid, yes, but it's the only thing that reminds me of my sole existence.

My purpose on earth? To fill up that void someone left.

Yes, that's who I'll always be. A replacement, no less.

I wish I can be the special one though
The one you think of before you sleep
The one you think of when you walk down the streets
I wish I can be the one to walk you through
The one who stays on when the road gets tough
The one who hangs on when things go rough
I want to be the one at the altar with you
The one who says she'll live her life with you
The one whom you want to live your life with.

Graduation.... I'm a full-fledged cabin crew!

And so, graduation was on Wednesday.

The skit went on well, and judging from the laughs, the audience quite enjoyed it. Thanks to Louis for coordinating and doing almost everything, to Val for helping out with the music and stuffs, to Jacob for helping to push people to work, to Darren for putting up a good act despite the fact that he was sick, to Kelly for being the loan shark, to Dora and Meera for arranging the food, and the rest for making this grad a success.

I was kinda upset that after graduation everyone just left without a proper goodbye or such. I guess this only shows how bonded our batch is. Especially in the last few weeks, things got a little... out of hand.. and lots of unhappiness surfaced.

Ah well, I was the Best Trainee for my batch, and I delivered my last minute speech in stutter. It's been a long while since I last delivered a speech, and I still think it's easier to write a speech for someone else than for myself.

(As I am typing this entry, Charcoal is farting... in his sleep. POTENT farts. And I figure I will die by morning by poisoning.)

I was cleaning up my room and I found this little pocket daily calendar that I used to write notes in when I was at Mandarin, and I read through what I wrote. I recorded things he did which made me really happy, and things which made me upset... somehow, I couldn't remember how I felt about him in the past. I could remember what we did, what we said, but I just can't remember how I felt then. Me thinks it's weird how someone can disappear from your life totally when he used to be your world in the past. I haven't heard from him in a long while, nor heard news about him. It doesn't matter anyway I guess.

So we're starting to fly soon... and a lot of things will change. Perhaps the group of us Chinks will lose contact with one another, but I really hope we can still keep in contact for as long as possible. Yeap yeap.

I wanna put up pics, but I'm so lazy and my eyes are so dry they threaten to pop out of the sockets.

Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow.

Sweetened pleasures...

Word of advice to all: Don't hang out in the MRT station near closing. Why? THE FREAKING IRRITATING ANNOUNCEMENT kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.... and when the station is empty, the announcement comes on EXTREMELY loud. Argh. It's now stuck in my head.

And then while watching Munich, my jet lag got the better of me and I fell asleep during the whole show. I've been wanting to watch the show ever since I saw its trailer!!!

I'm such a sleepyhead.

Was outside Meritus Mandarin, and I couldn't help but think back on the times I was working there. I miss working in the hotel industry. The times we tolled till late night, the days of handling projects and events, meeting up with journalists and guests, working with my crazy girls, the colleagues from the other departments... Sigh.

Charcoal has been sniffing around in my room for tissue paper and food. I think it's time I clear up the messy room. Yawn. I'm soooooooooooo sleepy and lazy.

Need to go Ikea to grab my shelves and cupboards.

Ah well, I'm going out to meet the ladies. Laters!

Ogenki desu-ka?

Ohayo!

I got back from Osaka yesterday evening... pretty nice place to shop and walk around, save for the cold winter weather. Till now, I am still very much undecided whether I like or dislike winter. Will be flying off to Melbourne again tomorrow morning.. hopefully I can stay awake throughout the flight.

The team I just flew with was really really nice. Many of them gave me a lot of invaluable advice, and I am very grateful for their care and concern. I hope that everyone I fly with will be like them. (heh, heh)

My sore eyes haven't fully healed. It got pretty bad during my flight, and I almost had to be removed off duty. The worse thing is, I couldn't go for my pool session and had to postpone my diving trip next weekend. This sucks. Stupid sore eyes.

I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about whether I have made the right choice to be in this line. True enough, I am enjoying the travelling, and the work isn't really that bad actually. But I just dont know what I should make of this job, or career, if that is ever going to happen.

And then, what's with everyone, from taxi drivers to buddies, trying to introduce their sons, friends, brothers, whatevers to me? Not that I can get any guy at the flick of my wrist, but then, I definitely think I don't need much help with getting hitched right? Thanks for all the effort though. If I need help, I know who to find. You all should really start some matchmaking agency really.

And I just chipped my nail polish. (*&*&@#&%^^

Off to bed soon.

It feels really nice sometimes to have someone to care for...

Me, myself and I

I declared Saturday as a "Myself Day". After sending Charcoal to the groomer's in the morning, I went to the doctor's to check up on my very sore and disgustingly red left eye. After which, I went to do a French manicure that didn't survive the day cos... it looked out of sorts.

Then it was to Wisma to get my regular moisturiser and stuffs, to catch up with Serene for a while, a bit of shopping, then when I found out that Alex was in town dyeing his hair, I popped by to get a haircut too. Which, no one realised.

My sore eye condition was pretty bad, to the extent I was offered tissue paper cos some nice guy thought I cried. How very pathetic.

Today was a so-so day... I've been feeling all prick-ish, getting irritated at the smallest stuffs. In fact, I've been like this since Friday. Argh. I hope this floats away soon. Sorry to those who have been suffering the brunt of my prickiness (if there ever is such a word).

I'm so sleepy but yet I have to wait for the nails to fully dry. Argh.

Graduation's coming soon and I really hope things will turn out fine.

Night world.

So my iBook is back....

and $252 is gone from my bank account.

But I am happy. I have my baby back with me! Yoo HOOO!

Training is soon coming to a close.. and I will soon have to part from my batchmates. Having mixed feelings... as much as I look forward to earning a proper income, I know for sure I will miss the fun I've had with my batch. The friendships made over these few months... I hope they are strong enough to last as long as they can go.

Sigh.

I wonder how life is gonna be like once I start flying.

Thinking of moving out to stay, and mum has been asking me if my plans to live out for a while is concrete.

Pictures from my mini birthday party!


wishing and hoping...


Crazy Val and I


Kelly, me, and Val testing out Jacob's new vibration-less N90

And so it has come and gone....

Yes... I am now officially 24 years of age. Still young, still young. I am not even at my quarter-life crisis.

Had a great day today, apart from the training that I struggled hard to stay awake at. My batchmates were very sweet, and we celebrated my birthday at Swensons'... makes me feel young again. Thanks to my dearest Val, Kelly, Louis, Jacob, Vincent and Darren!

And after that, it was salsa class. Argh. I haven't attended salsa classes for a while, and I'm pretty lost to the steps and moves. I'm too dependent on the men's leads. It was fun though...

And so now I'm no longer the birthday princess. My carriage, according to Val, has turned back into the pumpkin it once was.

On another note, I'm thinking of going diving. As in, learn how to dive first. Anyone interested in joining me? Most probably from 10 to 12 Mar. Sms me if you're keen!

Happy birthday...

Yes, happy birthday to me.

Thanks to friends for all the well-wishes... and Ah fat for that lovely email. It was very nice to open my inbox and see that email waiting for me.

This year is gonna be a real quiet year, compared to last year when I spent my day in the hospital. No wild parties, no crazy celebrations... just... a day to pass.

Sadly, mum forgot my birthday, again. I couldn't help but cry and feel silly about it. Even now as I type, tears are rolling down my face. Anyone can forget my birthday but not her... I feel so lousy.

I know I'm whiny and being a child... but it's my birthday and I can do anything I want today. I'm the queen.

SO THERE!

addiction.

I left my iBook with Apple Care Centre yesterday. It costs $252 to change a freaking keyboard, all because sister here forgot to register my Apple Care.

ARGH!

Dumb ass. Ever know anyone who bought warranty for a product but never registered? Congratulations, you just knew one.

I'm suffering from bad withdrawal symptoms without my iBook. I hope they will hurry up the repair and give me back my baby.

This weekend is a pretty lazy one... alot of sleeping in, and sleeping, and then more sleeping.

I wish I have the answers to the many doubts in my mind, but I just don't. Maybe I don't have the courage to face certain feelings I have, maybe I just want to run away. I know what and how I feel, but yet I don't even know if I should be feeling this way. It's never going to work out in the end, right?

I'm just a great pretender of my life, an actress, a stringed puppet led by others' expectations of me. I hold no right to what I should feel and how I should act.

So long as I'm happy, it doesn't matter right?

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

What do you think about me?

Click here!

My life is about painting my nails red...

And so I am back from Melbourne.

Again, a great team of crew, all patient and ever willing to lend me a hand and give words of advice... sadly, Kelly and I were too shy to make the request to sit in the cockpit with the tech crew. Darn.

Melbourne was great, with the lovely buildings everywhere and more affordable shopping areas around the hotel. We had fun walking around and getting lost, trying on crazy little sunglasses and weird masks... And it's back to training tomorrow! But before that, I have to write out some flight report.

Was feeling sick after I came back from Seoul, the dizziness and the pukiness didnt go away, even till now. Was to go see the doc's last night, but mum refused to let me drive out. Yawnz. So it's to the doc's later.

Oh, Irene told me that she might be getting married this year!!! I'm so happy for her! It's not everyday you find someone you can share a life with. Congrats dear!

Ah fat managed to get online in Beijing, and I've made not-so-concrete plans to meet him up when I go over there in March. Then I realised I would be there for... say... slightly more than half a day? Shucks. Hope we can still have time for a cuppa.

My dear Q is supposed to be back today, but so far I have yet to receive her sms. Where are you!!!

-----

I received 3 bouquets of flowers this Valentine's day. Funnily, no one asked me out on dates. 1 bouquet of white lilies was from P, the other 2: one rose and one white orchids, were from anonymous people. I absolutely dislike it when people send me things and don't leave names or any contact numbers, because, though it can be fun at times to guess who my mystery senders are, but it's only fun when I have a slight clue to who it might be.. Now I have no freaking clue.

Darn.

-----

Sometimes I applaud myself for my stupidity.

I was packing my stuffs into boxes because I am about to get new furniture (yay!) and re-do my room a little. Then I realised... I packed all my training notes into the boxes as well, when I need to use them soon.

Yes, and I had to open the boxes and unpack every single thing.

-----

Ok, I'm finally meeting up with Stella and Angie tonight. It's been.... half a year (???) since we last met up. I'm missing them so much!!!

Hope this giddy spell will run off.

.:emo freak:.

I have this sudden urge to... cry.

Amidst all the laughter and the chirpiness of the group, I just felt... a little out of sorts. I was unable to gather my thoughts, and though I smiled and laughed along, I felt as if I was not within me. Oh well, if you get what I mean.

-----

It is so not easy. I over-estimated myself.

Back from Seoul... Anyung Haseyo!

Just got back from my maiden training flight. Seoul was... well, FREEZING cold. Silly me forgot to bring socks, and didn't really pack well for the cold weather. Lucky for me, Kelly lent me her scarf. I was freezing my toes and ears off while we were out at night, running away from the cold draft and the falling snow.

The flight was alright, I learnt a lot of things, and had a great team with me. I'm thankful for their patience, otherwise I guess I would have already been thrown out of the plane for my lack of speed. It was a big eye-opener for me, into the culture at the airline and the work environment. At times I wonder if I am suited for the job really. But I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.

Daddy called a couple of times while I was in Seoul. I thought it was pretty sweet of him, considering the fact that he wasn't really warm to the idea of me being in this industry.

-----

On another note... perhaps it's good that I'm not attached after all. I had time to rethink certain situations that I'm in at the moment. Should I stay or should I leave? Before I fall too deep into it, I think I should make some kind of a decision, no? Or should I leave everything status quo?

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through


Perhaps, I think too much.

-----

Oh my flight roster is out! I'll be heading for Bangkok, then Narita in Mar, then back home from Japan, and then to Melbourne again. After graduation, I'll be heading to Sydney, and after that to Beijing. Perhaps can meet up with Ah Fat there. Hopefully.

Looking forward to my Melbourne flight coming Sunday somehow.

-----

I miss... being me.

Random ramblings yet again...

I've been rather random recently.

-----

Was watching "The Journey of Man" on NatGeo this morning, and Dr Spencer Wells said that it's "kinda" proven that all our ancestors came from Africa. I thought, if this is true, then why are we differentiated by colour? Apparently, our skin changes colour to suit the sun intensity.

I should visit Africa.

-----

I realised I am fond of talking to myself sometimes. Like this afternoon, I was mumbling something out loud, and this guy stared at me.

I'm psychotic.

-----

Oh, and by the way, I do not need to be matchmade. Please stop introducing your friends' friends or brothers' friends or anyone who is a third degree friend to me. Do I look that desperate seriously?!!

Yawn.

Argh. I'm going to finish that tub of ice cream sitting in my fridge. Better get it out of the way first. It's an eyesore.

Same side of the moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon



My current favourite song of the week.....

Random ramblings...

Disappeared again.

Been so tied up with exams, tests, and what nots.

ARgh.

I forgot about tomorrow's test too, until someone reminded me.

Damn.

Ok, enough of griping.

::love::

I gave up someone who could have loved me.

Rain...

It rained slightly today, and the reddish tinge the shower left brought a little warmth to my heart.

*****

Met up with Ms H and Ms A last night, for a short dinner at the airport. Haven't seen them around much since our last chocolate buffet, and was glad for their presence. The three of us are very different in our own ways... yet we can still be such good friends.

I miss working in a team with you girls.

*****

It's silly how we use our past experience to make judgement on things and people.

I guess this is our natural way of self-preservation, of protecting ourselves after being hurt.

the replacement people...

Finally managed to meet up with my dear Igualans (minus Ang) after such a long while, though I was really, really late. Friends for 11 years and still running, and I love how when we meet up, it seems just like old times. Thanks to all dearies who made this gathering happen.

I've been trying to meet up with close friends recently, but I've been really busy, training and all. Lack of sleep is getting to me somewhat, but I still love meeting you guys in the dead of the night. There's just something... melancholy... about the night.. good for catching up.

*****

The skies are finally clearing up, and it's good to see the sun again. Went for a long overdue run, and never felt better. I love rain, yet too much of it makes me dreary. I love how the sun shines into my room when my curtains are open. Goodbye to wet season.. Goodbye!

*****

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been really special to anyone at all. I wonder if people would look back on their lives, and think about me in a special way. I wonder when I die, will I make it to your Top 10 list of Favourite People?

I wonder if I've etched a memory of me in your heart.

*****

A friend told me, when you lose something, the only way you can get over it is to find something else to replace it.

I wonder if I've ever been a replacement of sorts to anyone. And if I were, what did I replace? After all, I have been the replacement people for most of my life.

Don't we all?

*****

I love this poem by Emily Dickinson.

The Skies Can't Keep Their Secret

The skies can’t keep their secret!
They tell it to the hills—
The hills just tell the orchards—
And they the daffodils!

A bird, by chance, that goes that way
Soft overheard the whole.
If I should bribe the little bird,
Who knows but she would tell?

I think I won’t, however,
It’s finer not to know;
If summer were an axiom,
What sorcery had snow?

So keep your secret, Father!
I would not, if I could,
Know what the sapphire fellows do,
In your new-fashioned world!

Tagged.

My name: Jennifer
My childhood ambition: I wanted to be an English teacher, then a piano teacher, then an actress, then a singer, then an astronaut, then a fighter pilot, then a sailor....
My Fondest memory: Having grandpa bring me to piano lesson when I was just 7 years old.
My soundtrack: Someday We'll Know by the New Radicals
My Retreat: somewhere in my head that no one can reach
My Wildest Dream: to... to.... to... elope with someone i love
My Proudest Moment: when i managed to survive the darkest period in my life.
My Biggest Challenge: living past each day happily.
My Alarm Clock: is my handphone.
My perfect day: sleeping in for 24 hours.
My First Job: McDonald's crew
My indulgence: Ice cream
My Last purchase: Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie
My Favourite Movie: The Graduate
My inspiration: My Mummy
My life: is a line.

I want to tag Gigi, but then she's on a hiatus to dont know when, so I dont know who else to tag cos the people on the right hand side of this page do not really reply to tags.

.:perfection:.

Perhaps it's PMS, but I've been pretty affected by things happening recently. And it's so odd, how when friends, who are supposed to accept you for who you are, suddenly have expectations which you can't seem to meet no matter how hard you try.

I am not the perfect girl, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect person, nor ever will be the perfect woman… but I try very much in my capacity to be the most perfect person that I can ever be. And if my so-called “perfections” are flaws in others’ point of view, then I will try harder. I know I can’t satisfy everyone, and I can never live up to what others expect from me.

I'm perfectly imperfect.

I just need to accept this.

Christmas is... Love..

Christmas has come and gone... but this year, Christmas seemed to be like any other day. Apart from the usual gift exchanges, parties, it felt no different from other days.

It's sad how Christmas seems to hold lesser meaning to me as the years pass by. Perhaps I'm pretty morbid towards such special occasions. But well, life's a bitch.

Last Christmas, I remember being with him at a jazz concert, and a depressing heart-to-heart talk after the concert in the carpark. My heart was shattered then, but I still hung on. This year, he and I became nothing but strangers. No well-wishing messages, no heartfelt hugs, no exchange of gifts... which is good in a way, since I don't feel that much for him already.

Hopefully next year Christmas will be better.

Yes, I know Christmas is over, but still I love this song:

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

disappearances, disappointments.

I've been pretty caught up with training, work, school, and my health recently. Finally the flu is gone, hopefully no bronchitis, but the cough stays still.

On another note, I've been pretty disappointed at myself, doing things I shouldn't be doing, and knowing that such incidents would have repercussions.

How am I feeling? Lousy, plus a bit of hurt.

I wish I could have been more in control, to have prevented certain things from happening.

Now, I guess I can only weep and wallow in self pity.

changes...

I was having a chat with a long time friend, someone whom I haven't really spoken to, not because we are busy, but rather because a part of me didn't want to.

We've changed. But you changed so much faster than I can keep up. I lost hold, and perhaps that's why we're not the close friends we once were. I still remember the times when you, Aloy and I had fun running the student group. The time where you were a caring boyfriend to my best friend.

I'm not a perfect person either, but I try not to hurt people I love. It is not for me to judge if you've tried your best, but our friendship faltered.

Where are you? Where had you been? I really missed the funny and witty you, the one where you were less distant. Where did you go?

Halfway during our chat, you disappeared, like you always do.

I wish I still know you.

I hate having to think about titles.

I haven't clubbed in a long long time, and now I feel like doing it every week. Hahaha...

It's my first time at Club Momo, though I've walked past it several times and never went in cos either the crowd was HUGE or my friends refused to step in. Despite less than favourable reviews about the club, I enjoyed myself pretty much! Think might go there again the following week, IF I can afford it. My Indian friends are really HOT dancers, they can dance as if they do nothing but dance! They never seemed to need any time-out from dancing. Had a great time though, but during the night I was pretty pissed with guys who just brushed past and SMACKED my fat butt. I got pinched too, dammit.

Still it was a great night, and I still have to say my Indian friends are super HOT.

-----

On another note, I had a chat with the ex just a couple of days back online. What struck me weird was that when I was chatting with him, I just didn't feel the way I felt in a couple of posts back. Maybe I just miss the feeling of having someone to ... er.... love? But the conversation, albeit just a normal one, made me realise I don't love him the way I did anymore. Well, at least now I know that the once-in-a-while-but-recently-quite-often feelings didn't mean much.

That said, I still miss being part of a couple. It's great to have some intense relationship, where you fall crazily in love and forget about the rest of the world, do crazy things and not bother about what others say; throw caution to the wind and immerse yourself in love.... but the process where you have to get to know someone all over again, to understand that person well, it's pretty tiring.

I ever contemplated having a "part-time" boyfriend, but was worried that I might develop real feelings for the guy. Then again, it's good to have someone around. I kinda miss the physical part of being a couple: the caressing, the kisses, the hugs, etc.

MK said I'm turning guys off with my aloof look. But I don't have any aloof look! Damn it then, I'm doomed to stay single forever. Whatever.


::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
later i fall in love how?
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
u wun
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
cos u dun even allow urself to
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
i dont allow cos i'm afraid i will.
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
hahaha
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
its forbidden garden for u all over again

Gigi said forbidden garden. Hahaha, I like that.

Tired. Fatigue seeps into my...pores.

Everyday, I wonder what I did in the day which makes me feel lethargic, and drained at the end of the day.

I am tired. Really tired.

I am tired of having to smile when I don't feel like it. I am tired of having to try and be happy when I know deep down inside I am not. I am tired of having to psych myself into detaching my emotions every single morning when I wake up. Yet I am tired of having to hold all this baggage when I know I should have let it go long ago.

I don't know how to let it go, because I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to let it go, because I just don't know how to.

MK and LN came over today and we had a chat over food and wine. I got a little intoxicated, and kinda said more than I should have. But it was good. The wine was great. I wish I could be able to drink like this, without restrictions, without worries.

I hate having to put on that mask in the morning, try to act all bubbly and lively when I am not. I wonder if people can tell through my façade, if they could see through me.

A message sent to him received no reply on MSN. Yet his nick changes, a sure sign that he is at the computer. Why did I do that then? I have no idea.

Might be the wine. Must be the wine.

So far... So good...

Charcoal has upgraded his status to the master. He doesn't respond to his name now, except when we call him "Mr Tan", or "Mr Charcoal". Apparently, he's feeling all royalty. While I was bathing him just now, he was busy shaking himself dry and getting water all over me. I guess it's my punishment for not bringing him out today because the weather was not that great.

Training started on Wednesday, and it's been swell so far. My batchmates are a really cool bunch of guys and gals, so I'm looking forward to fun, fun and more fun! Well, at least apart from the studying and exams I'll be expecting too. Sadly, I've been "made fun" of my glutton-ness (is there such a word?) gluttony as I always think of food as someone else is speaking. That's me, no less.

To boot, I've finished 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. And a weight check on Monday. How. Nice.

I was chatting with JJ online as I was gorging myself with the ice cream, and we touched on the topic of relationships. I guess somehow, I would still want to be loved, and to love, someday, but not right now. That part of me had been shut off since a couple of months ago, and I don't think I'm willing to open it up again.

Thing is, by closing that part, I felt as if I were... emotionless. Void of feelings, I am. I could detach myself from all emotions, all thoughts, all feelings, and that made me feel so... cold. I have no idea whether I am happy but I can laugh and joke as if I were. I have no idea whether I am angry, but I can still smile as if I weren't.

I wish I were myself again, the once-emotional me that I was. At least I felt human.

Now....

I don't even know who I am. Or, if I actually want to know.


Where have the happier times gone to?

Edit: Sam told me it's gluttony, not glutton-ness. Dumb me. I forgot. heh heh.

A new chapter awaits...

This morning I went for my last français class. Au revoir mes amis, jusqu'à ce que nous nous revoyions! I know I'm going to miss them somehow, no quirky French teacher to poke fun at me, the 2 friends I've known, and the Nutella breadstick that I always try to avoid eating but fail... And hoping my French won't go down the drain. I'm going to miss Pascal, he's the cutest and most humourous teacher I've ever had. Sigh. Where to find another teacher like him?

Met up with Regina last evening for dinner at Marina Square. We sat at Swenson's for quite a while after dinner and wondered if we should eat ice-cream. It was a good thing we didn't... we found Ben & Jerry's at Suntec! I was ecstatic and hysterical and almost bought the whole shop for my sinful indulgence... Oh, you should try this flavor... Dublin-something. Can't remember the whole name though. A glutton doesn't remember the names of food; a gourmet does. So there goes my diet down the drain once again.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new chapter in my life and i really don't know how i should feel about it. Friends have been asking if I'm excited about the training, but all I feel is uncertainty. Just hoping that everything turns out alright.

À bientôt!

My last day in Alliance Française de Singapour

Goodbye to food, glorious food....

I sold my freedom on Thursday.

Aunt and I went down to STC in the afternoon to sign the contract, and I saw a few batchmates, I think. Apparently there would be guys, so hopefully the class is more lively. So there goes my freedom. It's almost like our guys serving NS, I mused to a friend recently. The 4-month training is likened to the men's 3-month BMT (basic military training), the graduation equivalent to their POP (Passing out parade), my 6-month probation is, perhaps, their stint with OCS, SISPEC, or wherever, and probation ends with a commissioning parade!!

Yes, I'm too freaked out by the bond.

The uniform is another scary thought. I went down on Friday morning with Mum for my uniform fitting, and... I almost died in the shop. Firstly, my waist was 25.5 inches. I never had that kind of waist before, I always measured it as 27 inches and though usually I would be happy at that loss of inches around my flabby waist, yesterday was exceptional. The uniform had to be like a second skin, and during the fitting I had difficulty breathing. I think I was complaining too much about the lack of air until the seamstress agreed to add on 1 inch to the measurement around my chest area.

Goodbye lovely food. Goodbye.

Joey held her wedding dinner last night, after being married for about 2 years already. I was given the honour of helping her at the reception with the seating arrangements for Kenneth's family and guests. The other 2 ladies who did the reception arrangements with me were dressed in black too. She looked absolutely gorgeous last night, and because Kenneth is from the Air Force, he had his brothers in uniform to grace the event. Food was good, better than a lot of other places that I've been to, and the whole event was pretty heartwarming.

Oh, and because I had to rush from the uniform place to my hairstylist's place, then to the hotel, I changed in the car while I was driving, because I was late and freaking stuck in a jam.

Talented huh.

I did my makeup too.

I'm babbling away. I need to get clothes for my training, and some shoes. Sigh.

It's a lot of expenditure before I even start the job proper.

Argh.

I just want to get it over and done with.


Looking lethargic after reaching home.

It's funny how...

Funny how yesterday I allowed myself to think about him after a long while, while clearing up stuffs in my computer.

Funny how I was talking to Gigi about him, and what happened in the past.

Funny how on my way home, after the sinful indulgence, I suddenly had this thought that he would contact me.

Funny how he really did contact me after our last contact 2 months back.

Funny how I felt weird upon reading his sms-es.

Funny how our conversation was conducted over sms-es.

Funny how I still want to care for him despite all that has happened.

Funny how I want to hope that he still loves me.

Funny how I know that he doesn't anymore now that he has someone new.

Funny how he confided a little in me about his problems.

Funny how I thought about the past while chatting with him over sms.

Funny how I was reminded by the hurt he inflicted on me.

Funny how I went to bed with thoughts in my mind.

Funny how I know that he wouldn't remember ever chatting with me.

Funny how I still have a soft spot for him.

Funny how I know I shouldn't.

Reasons why my diets always fail #2

I love chocolates.

----------

Met up with Amy and Huiling for a chocolate buffet at The Fullerton. I had to hold myself back from the buffet table, the fondue fountain.

Damn it.

Chocolates are sinful. I ONLY had one slice of rich chocolate tart, and a slice of chocolate cake, and one cheesecake and one tiny scoop of bread pudding. I could have eaten more, if not for the fact that I need to watch my weight.

Damn.

The girls and I gossiped about work, ex-colleagues and our 'plans' for the near-future. I couldn't see what goes beyond 2 years, and somehow I don't intend to think too much abt the future now.

Am I excited about the new change in my life? I have no idea. At all.

Damn.

Chocolates give me a high, and now I can't get to sleep.

I shall diet tomorrow. At least I will try to.

Random ramblings...

I've finally gotten my contract from SIA. From Thursday onwards, my freedom will be sold to SIA for 2 years. The road from now on seems a little fuzzy, and unclear.

Since young, I've never thought I would be an air stewardess, because I was fat as a child, and I had other plans.

Perhaps now, that I'm feeling a little more jaded than I should at my age, my thoughts have changed. I've always wanted to be a career woman, to work really hard and climb the ladder, then I realised, life is just too short. Call me lazy but it really seems hard to be able to work up the ladder and then provide my family with a comfortable life.

And perhaps, it's also got to do with the fact that I'm single now, my priorities have changed. I preferred a ground job as it would allow me to be able to get married earlier, start my family earlier but ever since things happened, getting married is not my priority anymore.

Then comes all the stories about bombings, natural disasters, and I realised life is just that short. I don't want to slog all my life and then realise I don't have time to savour the fruits that I reaped. I might as well enjoy the present, provide for my family now as much as possible, and then live life a day as it comes.

I still don't know what I feel towards this job, given it being stereotyped as a brainless career, but mum and grandma seemed very happy that I got it, so I guess I should be happy. No doubt the money's good, plus I get to travel, but I really don't know what it would bring me in terms of satisfaction.

*edit: I forgot to add that Gigi is very happy for me too, so I should be happy as well.
-------------

To "celebrate" my new life, I decided to clear out some documents in my computer. I finally opened the folder which I had put off looking at after so long. I read the letters and chat logs we sent to each other once, before we were together, during the time we were together, and after. I had to fight back the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the tears, but it wasn't that difficult after all.

I pondered as I hovered the mouse over the Recycle bin on my desktop. For a while, I wondered if I would regret deleting the memories from my computer. I paused, I hesitated. Then I cleared the bin. Memories will be kept in my heart and mind. Maybe one day I will forget abt them, maybe one day I will replay everything in my mind. But for right now, I don't want to think about it.

It was good while it lasted, at least I loved him in the best way I could have.

-------------

I found this poem while I was clearing through the trash on my computer.
Pretty sums up what I am feeling now I guess.

"You were always so perfect to me,
so soft and gentle,
cherishing you instantly,
without a second glance,
I never distrusted those eyes,
that lied to me continuously,
I promised you I'd always try,
but slowly you were losing me.

I would always have given you anything,
just to keep your interest,
stopping my heart from remembering,
all the pain you caused,
I never pulled away from that kiss,
that held a painful hint of truth,
Maybe you'd be too hard to miss,
so I said I was still in love with you.

I wanted more than just the infatuation,
that you found in me.
You said love was only a distraction,
that you really didn't need,
so I cried myself to sleep,
knowing the times we shared must end.
You couldn't let emotion run deep,
you said you made love to me, as a friend.

But eventually, my love,
friendships fade, too,
and I can't make love and walk away,
pretending I don't love you.
Never once did I push you away,
but everything comes to end,
so all that's left to say,
is goodbye,

I loved loving you, my friend."
- Amber White

-------------

Maybe Charcoal is actually a skunk in disguise. His farts are totally potent, and can kill ants from afar.



Told you he's a skunk in disguise.

mantra.... mantra...

I shall not eat... I shall not eat... I shall not eat...

Mum is cooking in the kitchen NOW, and I'm feeling absolutely greedy for food.

No no no no no. For the past 2 weeks, I have put on 3 kgs. So it's time to lose weight. No more bread *sob sob* No more pasta *more sobs*. I am a carbo-lover, and to not be able to eat carbo, it's HELL!!!

Argh! But I will be starting work in an industry where brawns matter more. It's time to look after my looks (wahahaha) before I look out of shape.

I'm still waiting for that mail.

Damn.

-------

Damn, I am such a glutton. I eat and eat and eat and my mum has been nagging at me to stop eating that much.

Must be the pre-menstrual cravings.

ARGH!

Dinner with the guys..

Been a long time since I met up with the guys. So Yan, QQ, Ah Fat, Sam and I decided to meet up at the newly revamped Marina Square this evening for dinner. Oh mon Dieu, the whole place was soooooooo huge I almost got lost.

Then it was a 15-minute search for a free table at the foodcourt. Although there are so many food outlets there, all of them were fully packed. We learnt about larvae growing in pails, courtesy of Yan and QQ. We talked about what I might be expecting in the upcoming months to come, about why I had to watch my weight, about what their plans are...

And we fed cats.

There are always a lot of cats around Ritz, and I remember feeding one family of cats about 3 years back with my subway sandwich. With Giant supermarket just nearby, QQ and I went to grab a tin of cat food and fed it to the cats. Yeah, I doubt we should be doing that, but the cats were really quite pitiful, walking around looking for food.

Ah well, I'm now in the waiting phase again. Now the mailbox. Though the answer and my decision is pretty confirmed, I am still pretty skeptical about what might happen before I sign the confirmation.

Of dogs...

Been pretty busy the past few days with projects, projects and more projects.

Jann and Shu'e went Bangkok on Thursday, and came back just today, and Jann decided to leave Joy Joy with us as there was no one to take care of her. Charcoal didn't take too well to Joy's presence... there were fights every 5 minutes. They would take turns to disturb each other, and they get jealous of each other if I carry either.

But slowly, I guess friendship blossomed between these 2 furkids, and they were able to be in a place without any confrontation. I found it pretty amusing to see them sleeping next to each other, their paws trying to push each other away for more space on the bed. And yes, poor me, I have to snuggle into a corner because they took over my bed.

And then, today Joy just left for home.

Mum cried (surprise, surprise!!!) when Joy had to go.
I felt sad when Joy had to go.
Charcoal was chewing on his new toy when Joy had to go.

The 2 lovely ladies bought yummy snacks and tons of stuffs for Charcoal!! THANKS BABES!!! :)

And now I miss Joy. I miss the sound of her loud loud bell running through the living room.

Sigh.

Perhaps I should get Charcoal a collar with a larger bell.

Finally...

Finally the long awaited call has arrived.

Now, some explaining to do.

Update again...

Waiting... and waiting.

I wish it will be over and done soon.

Tired of waiting and waiting and waiting.

A horrible sight to remember...

Sunday is the day that Charcoal gets to go to the West Coast Dog Run near my home. He knows it, and usually he would be extremely hyper about it. He would run from the door to my bedroom, take a peek at what I'm doing, then run back to the door to wait for me, and if I don't hurry up, he would run back to my room to rush me.

But today, Jann and I witnessed a very upsetting event at the Dog run. Charcoal was happily running about when suddenly a woman screamed. I quickly looked for Charcoal, and saw a husky with a poodle in his mouth. And, Charcoal was running towards the duo. I ran and grabbed him, then I saw the husky vigorously shaking the poodle with his mouth. The male owner of the poodle quickly tried to chase the husky away with a badminton racket, and I stood rooted to the spot, just meters away from what was happening. I wanted to help stop the fight, but I saw blood dripping down from the poodle. The husky shook the poodle like a rag doll, and finally let go.

The poodle lay limp on the ground, and then I realised it was dead. I cried, but silently. The owner of the husky, a female, stood with her dog a distance away. The female owner was pretty upset, crying and screaming away, whereas her two children were peering over their dad's shoulders, asking if the dog was dead. Male owner seemed pretty calm about it though. They left shortly after, with the dog limp in their hands.

Jann and I couldn't hold back the tears, and we left too, cos we had no mood to stay on, worried for the safety of our dogs.

I don't know what to think of the whole incident. I feel very upset, because as a dog owner myself, I know it will be very devastating to lose a dog... To me, Charcoal is not only my pet, but a part of my family. I've watched and read so much about dogs, and I knew to stop a fight, I should hold on to the dog's collar and hit it right in the middle of its eyes. But I didn't. I just stood deadrooted. What if it were Charcoal? What would I have done?

I feel that dog owners should be more responsible, and take care of their own dogs. At the dog run, we let our dogs run freely, but that doesn't mean we should let them out of our sight. We must protect our pets from others, and vice versa. The owner of the poodle didn't react fast enough, but I guess he didn't expect it to happen. The owner of the husky didn't appear till much later, but I guess too, she didn't expect it to happen. But when things happen, where were they?

I'm babbling, because I'm just so affected by this whole episode and can't stop tearing whenever I think about the poor dog.

I wished I had done more.

I wished I had punched that husky to stop the fight.

I wished I hadn't been so selfish to protect just Charcoal alone.

just... wondering.

Am I one step closer to a dream or one step further from a career?

Why my diet plans always fail...

I love KFC.

Of diets and detoxing...

Mum: Girl ah, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight ah?
Me: (eating chocolates) Ah.... I don't know leh. Don't really feel like eating tonight.
Mum: Why? You are going out?
Me: (starts to open a packet of potato chips) Not going out, feeling lazy. I'm actually trying to detox, and am on a diet.
Mum: With chocolates and potato chips?!
Me: Chocolates make me happy when I'm depressed about not able to eat anything else. Potato chips give me the energy now that I don't eat much meat.

Now you see why I never lose weight.

Of exam results and farting.

A friend sent me an sms saying that results are out on the website... I choked on my Milo... crossed my toes, fingers, eyes and prayed that I passed the exams.

As you all can see, I tend to be very lazy relaxed during the exams, because exam time is the best time to recuperate from lack of sleep and rest... and therefore I go into the exam hall with whatever is left in my head. And, I don't stay in the exam hall for too long. No point checking your answers over and over again, if you're wrong, you're wrong.

So before I logged in to the system, I told myself If I pass my subjects for last term, I promise to work hard for this term. I will work very very hard. Just let me pass. and a sense of deja vu washed over me.

And... and... I realised I say this to myself every term, whenever I am checking results.

BUT! I passed!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!! So I shall try to work hard this semester, anyway it's my final lap.

------

I wonder why dogs fart. I wonder why Charcoal farts A LOT. Especially in his sleep.

And especially when he's next to me sleeping while I am doing work.

EXTREMELY potent.

Must be the apples I fed him.

-----

Ok! I shouldn't be blogging too much right now. Just came back from a project meeting, and so since I promised myself to work hard this semester, I shall start on my project soon now.

Before I start slacking again. Which I foresee to be quite soon.

I wonder...

I wondered why, then, when you always made me cry
I held on to our love steadfastly.
I wonder why, now, when you're no longer here
I still hold on to that love selfishly.

I wondered why, then, when you lied to me time and time again
I believed you and grasped tightly that trust.
I wonder why, now, even when you're not here
I have that bit of trust still.

I wondered why, then, when we were upset with each other
I held on to that hope of our future.
I wonder why, now, even when you have someone new
I am holding on to that hope still.

I wondered why, then, when you broke my heart
I loved you all the same.

But I wonder why, now, even when you no longer love me
I love you still.

Of friends... and work....

The other day, I popped by SPH to visit old colleagues. The warmth of that big family at the counter reigns still, though a few friends were not there.

That got me thinking about how important environment is when it comes to work.

I like the feeling of belongingness, the feeling when in the morning, you feel like you're going to meet a family at work. The feeling of knowing that there are people supporting you if you should fall, of knowing that there are people who will share your sorrows.

I miss the times we spent hours chatting in the discussion room, over our S55 and emails, the after-work chat across the counters.

Even though there are times when I felt unhappy about the working attitudes of some other colleagues, I still enjoyed my stay there.

It was this feeling of belongingness which made me feel very much reluctant to leave the big family.
And the lack of this same feeling in the next job which made me leave after one month's stint.
Now that I'm doing freelance, that feeling is replaced by my time spent with my family.

But now I look back, the friendships made... seemed to have weakened over time. We don't seem to be in very much contact with one another, just the occasional chats over MSN, the once-in-a-while SMS-es, and I do miss them a lot.

And a few times some suggested meeting up, I was unable to make it due to classes, or I had to meet my clients at the last minute.

I wonder why I didn't make the first move to keep contact. Was I afraid of rejection? Was I waiting for them to make the first move instead?

Perhaps I should give them a call.

Bloopers bloopers

Qian just told me about this...

I shouldn't be writing it down... but I just can't help it.

Go Google, type Failure in the search field, and click on I'm Feeling Lucky.

My guess is most of you already know of this, but... heh heh.

Comme d'habitude ...

A French song I recently heard... somehow... it describes what I feel, at times.

Excerpt:
Comme d'habitude
Et puis le jour s'en ira
Moi je reviendrai comme d'habitude
Toi, tu seras sortie
Pas encore rentrée comme d'habitude
Tout seul j'irai me coucher
Dans ce grand lit froid comme d'habitude
Mes larmes, je les cacherai
Comme d'habitude

Comme d'habitude, même la nuit
Je vais jouer à faire semblant
Comme d'habitude tu rentreras
Comme d'habitude je t'attendrai
Comme d'habitude tu me souriras
Comme d'habitude

Translation:
As Usual
And then, the day will go on
Me, I will return, as usual
You, You will leave
But yet return, as usual
I will always sleep alone
In this big cold bed, as usual
My tears, I will hide them
As usual

As usual, even at night
I will pretend
As usual, you will return
As usual, I will wait for you
As usual, you will smile at me
As usual.

As usual, I will wait...

She sits by the window

She sits by the window
Wind in her hair
She thinks of the past
And silently she weeps

She looks out the window
Sun in her eyes
Tears glistening as they fall
Oh! Sorrowful is her life

I am very much alive

Yes yes, I know I've been away for pretty long... but was down with a bad bout of flu last week and am still recovering. Sadly, I haven't lost any weight despite not having the appetite to eat. Porridge and water do no good to diets. At least for me. Damn.

Been busy eating, catching back my appetite, sleeping, lazing around.

Yes, I am turning very much into a couch potato.

Nothing interesting comes into my mind now, just some updates at the moment. Tomorrow ok? :P

-----

I have started picking up salsa, and I thank my lucky stars and moons that I can still remember the steps. Otherwise I would be stepping on my classmates' feet.

Dancing is therapeutic. At least for that few hours that I'm dancing, I forget about what is wrong in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget about earning money and dance or sing my whole life away. But I doubt it's possible.

-----

French lessons are going on great, and I am now thinking about going over to Paris for a couple of months to study the language and pick up some guys.

Speaking about it, I gotta rush off to complete my French assignment.

Au revoir!

Fuck the title (inspiration from Gigi)

I am the one who fucking is down with flu and now gastric and can't fucking understand why I am in so much agony.

'nuff said.

I am still... alive.

Pardon my disappearance..

Been down, and still am down, with a bout of bad bad flu.

Feeling rather lousy and lazy and soft and jelly at the moment.

But still managed to drag myself out yesterday for a photoshoot, then to meet some friends.

And pulled myself out for a business meeting this afternoon, before heading to class in the evening.

I must have looked so pathetic, my client actually offered flu pills after listening to me sniff and cough for about one hour.

Now here I am, still down with flu, feeling as sleepy as ever.

Time for bed.

Exams are over!

Finally, the exams are over and done with.

Cool, I managed to finish a 3-hour paper in 1.5 hours, and am down with flu.

Don't ask why, but I always fall sick during exams.

Must be, because, I hate exams. You know when little children have stomachaches before exams due to stress or something? I have flu and fever every 3 months. Yeah. But I'm not stressed enough to want to study for the exams.

So now that I'm done with exams...what should I do? Maybe pinch Charcoal's tail. Heee... or perhaps not, later he will fart in my face again.

By now you should realise that... I am very bored after the exams. I can't do anything much, because, I'm ill and I don't feel like doing anything. I've been home for a while, but I could not get to sleep.

Had a weird dream last night, about him.

Had a weird thought just now, about work.

Have a freaking headache now.

Someone asked me about the lack of pictures on my blog. I'm lazy to upload them.

Someone asked me about the lack of men in my life. But...,I whimper, majority of the friends I have are males!

Exams are over, and I can get to enjoy some rest before the new term starts.... this Thursday. (What holidays huh!!)

And as a tradition that I hold at the start of every term...Resolution building!

I shall be more hardworking next term.

Yes. I will try to be.

Update from NUS

Time now is 5.39pm.

Yan is chatting, Sam is eating, and I am playing games online.

Productive, I say. Productive. Studying is good. Exams are good.

All about sex.

GOTCHA!!

I just couldn't think of any title for this entry.

Tomorrow's my last exam for this term, and I'm feeling lazy about studying. OK. So I feel lazy before, during and after exam period. But the thought of having 85 MCQ and just 2 short answer questions is kinda making me feel that the paper will not be that tough after all! I mean, how wrong can you go with MCQs? It's just an answer out of 5 choices.

Er.. I think I better not be too complacent.

-----

My phone rang at 3am. I jumped up from sleep, and wandered to the phone. The number looked familiar. It was him. Again, in his drunken state. Or so he claimed. I didn't know what to say to him, he said he didn't know why he called, and he knew he shouldn't...

He told me he drank a bottle of Chivas.

I asked him where his other half and friends were.

He said he didn't know.

I didn't know what else to say then, and till now, I still don't know how I feel towards him. Should I hate him? Should I love him still? Should I still remember him? Should I forget him? Should he still remain a friend? Should I erase him from my list of friends?

I doubt he'd ever remember making that call after he's sober.

I still don't know how I feel.

-----

I am now at NUS, and for the past 1 hour that I have been here, I ... er... haven't started studying. I was busy oogling clearing folders, and emails and now, blogging.

BAH.

Exam time is the only time I sleep the most.

I love exams.

j'etudie pour mes examens d'universite

(I'm studying for my university exams)

I hate studying, especially when it's the last lap to getting the degree, and I now have absolutely no interest in wanting to study.

Tomorrow's my French test, Saturday's my International Marketing exam, then Monday my Advanced E-commerce.

Till now, I have no freaking idea why I wanted to hop on this paper chase. Waste of my time and money. Perhaps a degree can really get me far, but I still believe in experience and brains.

Argh.

I'm just whining for the sake of whining.

One good thing out of this whole thing... Our painstakingly compiled International Marketing project earned us a distinction, and I believed my ground did the best out of the whole class (which doesn't make up a lot of students... but still...) I'm so proud of our work!

But Advanced e-commerce ... I'm surprised the tutor gave me quite high marks for class participation. Perhaps all that yakking in class has done some good.

Alrighty. Gotta go mug for exams. again. ARGH.

Bar @ Buena Vista

Firstly, before I start blogging, about the modelling thing... I am not the typical model, tall and slim. I'm modelling my BUTT only. Cos it's BIG. hahahahaha...

Been pretty busy with the projects, and FINALLY, I've submitted the final assignment for this module. Hope I won't flunk *keeping fingers, toes, nipples crossed.*

By the way, I just found out that he disappeared. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!? WHERE DID YOU GO TO!? Just because I forced you to date me doesn't mean you have to run away like that!

Last night, I went out with Qian, a spunky young lady I got to know through an interview a couple of months back. We went to watch the show Bar @ Buena Vista and it was GREAT! Not to mention her company. Makes me want to do salsa more...

She's leaving Singapore for working opportunities abroad... for a while... and I'm so glad for her. =) Hope everything will go well, and she will get to realise her dream. Really enjoyed your company, babe!

Okie, I'm off to bed, haven't been sleeping for a couple of days. Laters!

-_-"

I am now at the airport, waiting to see a friend off, came early because I want to gawk at handsome pilots study and have a peaceful dinner. Feel young eh! So many little students are here studying. I am young again!

The modelling agency I am working on a freelance basis called me.

J: "Jennifer, we need you for an assignment. Would you be free to come down for the audition on xxxday? Around 5pm?"
Me: "Ah, shouldn't be a problem. I'm reporting to you or to Vonne?"
J: "Can find me lah, no problem one. But... er... you... lost... erm, toned up yet?"
Me (I knew this was coming): "Ah... I think so lah. But hor, not sure also. C'est pas probleme, oui? (it's not a problem right?)"
J: "Not really lah, but just come down ok, and I'm looking for a Singaporean model, not French. Try to lose more weight lah. Butterfly arms not in vogue yet. haha!!!"

...........

Evil J.

He reads my blog though. I hope he falls down the stairs. No more chocolates for him.

Speaking of chocolates, I bought some Willy Wonka chocolates! I'm going to win the Golden Ticket! YIPPIE!!!

On another note, I flunked my first assignment for this module I'm currently taking. Sigh. Feeling rather... upset about it. But my fault for not putting in more effort lah.

Mugging time.

c.o.m.p.l.a.i.n.

Gigi said she's never seen me complain before.

My dear, you're gonna ever regret saying this sentence.

Actually I have a lot of things to complain about. In fact, I wake up every morning and make a list of things that I have to complain about before the day is over.

I wanna comprain about the gahmen, cannot, cos later gahmen send police come catch me. So one less thing to complain.

I wanna comprain about my friends, cannot, cos later friend link friend all link to me and they find out. So one less thing to complain.

I wanna comprain about mad drivers on the road, but cannot, cos sometimes I also drive like mad. So one less thing to complain.

I wanna comprain about my dog, but cannot, cos later Charcoal will find out and he will torture me by farting in my face (again) when I am sleeping. So one less thing to complain.

I wanna comprain about boyfriend, but cannot, cos I have no boyfriends in the first place to start with. Haha! So one less chunk to complain.

I wanna comprain about men, but cannot, cos there are just too many things about them to comprain about, and I have too many male friends, so later I kena. So, one more less thing to complain about.

I wanna comprain about my stupid projects and how I hate them so, but cannot, cos by the time I finish complaining, I would have no time to do my projects, then I got to complain about how unfair the system is, not letting us have enough time to do the darn project, and then it will drag the results for my projects, and then I will not be able to take my exams, and then I will waste a freaking $3000 on this term just because I complained about my projects. So... one two three a few less things to complain.

Then I look through my list and realise that there are no more things to complain about.

So how?

I think I shall comprain about Gigi. Say what never hear me complain, then I had to show her I actually complain, and now I wasted time doing this blog entry instead of doing my darned project which is so freaking boring and a waste of time.

BAH.

Haunting thoughts...

I had nightmares last night, dreams which came to haunt me all over again.

----------

This morning, when my handphone beeped, his face popped into my mind. I had a feeling that it would be him, but then I thought, nah, can't be. He'd never sms me ever. And when I saw his number, I froze.

He apologised for not being able to have the chance to speak to me last evening.

It's rather... cordial. I didn't know what to reply, but I still did.

Yes, familiar strangers we are. Simple acquaintances.

je suis fatigue. Tres fatigue.

I saw him once...then he was gone.

I went out with some of our mutual friends today, never expecting him to turn up, for he always doesn't appear for gatherings. Today, was an exception. And when I heard he would be coming, I felt... weird.

When I saw him, I didn't know what to do, what to say, what to think, and so I did nothing.

He made no effort to want to speak to me too.

When he left, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him to say goodbye. Cos I felt that he wouldn't bother.

I don't know how I felt then, it was a mix of all emotions. But I felt the pain when he left me then, when he came back into my life briefly, when I had to deal with what I went through alone. Unpleasant memories which I tried hard to push to the back of my mind came hitting at me as if it happened just yesterday.

Funny how, from being close lovers, we've now drifted to being just... strangers on the road.

Yet the same question is always etched in my mind. Will he ever remember the times we had?

I guess it will always remain unanswered.

You know...

... one day I'm going to die with my eyes dried and out of their sockets, while sitting in front of the darned computer.

It is already 3 am and...

Ma mere dort, mon chien dort, et mon frère n'est pas à la maison.
(My mother is sleeping, my dog is sleeping, and my brother is not home.)

I just burnt some lavendar oil and I guess I will be dozing off pretty soon.

Been thinking, and asking my lecturers from poly if I should consider taking up a degree from Le Cordon Bleu, to get my Master of Arts in Gastronomy.

I love food & wine alot, and have strong interest in that field. I don't wish to take too long to start on a career, and I think I've done enough spending on studies.

But yet, I wish to do all the studying I want before my desire to learn burns out.

It seems a lot feasible to work for a couple of years, before I take on the Masters degree. I can choose to do the degree online, but the on-campus experience would be a lot more beneficial for my future prospects.

Confused, confused, confused.

By the time I finish my degree, which would take another 1.5 years, I would be nearing 26, with no experience, or rather, outdated experience in my resume. I would be far, far, far behind my peers.

Do I have to give this up, just like how I gave up pursuing my love for music?

The calming effects of the lavendar has kicked in. Time for bed, finally.

J'aime Français

French lessons are going great! I know how to ask a French guy for his télephone numéro, and can take down his number with ease. Soon, I will be able to propose, and also ask if he’s rich.

I. am. joking.

Pascal (moi Français professeur) said something which tickled some of us pretty much today. “Some French don’t even know basic Singlish!” he wailed.

So, being the-bored-me-with-tons-of-projects-but-no-mood-to-do-them, here goes:

Welcome to Singlish 101

In Basic Singlish, you will learn in a duration of 1 hour:

• Introduction to the signature word lah


• The four tones of lahs, and what lah in each tone means.


• How to use the word lah effectively, as an affirmative statement, and as an expression.


• Affirmative: “He’s there, lah...” (2nd tone, drag)


• Expression: “What! lah” (4th tone)


• How to punctuate your sentences with lah (maximum 3 in a sentence)


• “Ok lah, I will tell him lah, you don’t need to worry lah.”


• When to use the word lah

Intermediate Singlish (2 hours) will bring you through to the culture and history of Singlish.

• Introduction to culture and history of Singlish


• Introduction to words leh, lor, hu, kiasu, shiok boh, kiasee.


• Singlish Grammar


• How to pronounce sh-, ch-, th- as s, c, t respectively

Advanced Singlish (3 hours) will teach you conversational Singlish, where there will be a student internship at the kopitiam*

• Planned excursions to kopitiams in the vicinity


• Final exam: A successful conversation of 30 minutes with the customers at the selected kopitiam

*kopitiam: Coffeehouse

Oui, so there you have it.

I am kinda smart, no?

Congratulations, Jennifer!
Your IQ score is 129

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

*ahem*, wanted to put up the link for you to test out your IQ here, but, heh, I...er..forgot the site address, and I'm lazy to go search.

Just live with the fact that I'm brainy.

I'm pretty baffled.

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans pretty badly, yet the local media coverage on the situation is kinda just touch-and-go.

I've been watching CNN to catch up with the news, and it is sad that in such dire circumstances, the ugly side of mankind prevails. Accounts of rape, violence, mere senseless killing, these aren't things you would expect in a catastrophe. Yet perhaps, you may argue that Katrina isn't huge enough to be deemed one. The whole city was... gone. Babies and children die of exhaustion, adults kill themselves and one another out of fear and who knows what other reasons.

Perhaps I am ignorant of the rescue operations there, but it seems to me that, compared to the Tsunami incident, the rescue ops are a lot slower. And sadly, no one here in Singapore seems to care a hoot about it.

The people need food and water, amongst many other things. And... a lot more.

If you would like to help the Red Cross or the State of Louisiana in their operations, please visit:

Red Cross Katrina Help Now
The Louisiana Disaster Recovery Foundation

A little amount will go a long, long way.

To follow up with the news, please visit CNN.

The world is our home.

WHY!!

I brought it upon myself.

I just had to surf the net, read blogs, instead of doing my darned project.

Yeah yeah yeah, I saw my name on his entry, and thought, can't be that suay lah, and when my mouse hovered across that name, I saw my url.

BAH.

Se7en things that (will) scare me
1. Horror flicks - read my entries below.
2. Losing people dear to me.
3. Losing Charcoal.
4. Insects which fly.
5. Losing my memory.
6. Faintly lit hotel corridors.
7. No money for wine drinking. (GASP!)

Se7en things i like the most
1. Chocolates.
2. Cheesecakes/ cheese
3. Wines.
4. Playing the piano.
5. Musicals, literature exhibitions.
6. Reading, reading, reading
7. Good music.

Se7en most important things in my room
1. iBook
2. bed
3. my pc
4. TV
5. magazines
6. wardrobe
7. photographs

Se7en random facts about me
1. I can sing and dance pretty well, only if you're deaf and blind (joking)
2. I love dogs, cats, tiger cubs, lion cubs, etc.
3. I love drinking.
4. I need to exercise.
5. I have run out of random facts about me, cos there are just too many interesting things about me.
6. I am actually very cute.
7. I can make a good girlfriend, wife, daughter-in-law, granddaughter-in-law, sister-in-law...

Se7en things I plan to do before I die
1. Go backpacking in Europe (again), or travel more.
2. Spout French while snogging a French man Know more friends from other nationalities.
3. Work in other countries.
4. Do more volunteer work, in Singapore, or other places.
5. Own a bar.
6. Have a successful and high-flying career.
7. If I don't get a successful career, then get married, have 2 kids, and be a tai-tai

Se7en things I can do
1. Laugh at and make fun of myself.
2. Do a back flip, in slow motion.
3. Do the salsa, latin cha-cha-cha, and waltz. (not pro, but enough to last 5 min)
4. Read upside down.
5. Love with all my heart.
6. Forgive people who've hurt me.
7. multitask.

Se7en things I can't do
1. Forget.
2. stand people who think the world revolves around them.
3. stand liars.
4. drink upside down.
5. splits.
6. wakeboard.
7. hold a cockroach in my hand.

Se7en things I say the most
1. fuck.
2. cool?
3. Alrighty
4. Bah
5. I'm busy now.
6. sian
7. No time no time.

Se7en celeb crushes
1. Brad Pitt
2. George Clooney
3. Ryan Seacrest
4. Utt
5. Robbie Williams
6. Johnny Depp
7. John Travolta

Se7en people I'll love to see doing this
(Sucks when I don't have many people reading)
1. Gigi
2. Qian *heh heh heh*
3. Callandor Be a sport ok..
4. Bui
5. Ben
6. Sharon
7. Raphael

*note to self: I should never be distracted from doing my projects again.*

Brrr...

Sometimes when Charcoal sleeps, he would toss and turn about, and then his front legs will be in a weird pose.

I wonder if he dreams, and what he dreams about.

How I wish I could know.

I could write down my dreams, my thoughts, but Charcoal... the only way we communicate with him would be through his whines, his reactions and actions.

I wonder if he loves us as much as we love him. I wonder if he knows.

I wonder if he complains to the other dogs whenever he meets them at the Dog Run on Sundays.

I wonder if he misses us when we're not around.

I wonder how it's like to be him.

~~~~~~

I read Gigi's post on her accident and it brought back a very scary memory. I was lucky to not have gone through the exact same tormenting experience as her, but it was enough to scare me shitless. (Now I know why I am constantly constipated.)

Couple of years ago, J asked me out for supper, as he was feeling lousy and needed someone to talk to. He came and picked me up in his new Subaru, and we went for a drive.

After supper at Al-Ameen (Bukit Timah), we decided to go on ECP cos I adore the night scene of Raffles Place/ City Hall there. But well, that bugger wasn't in the right mind to really drive. Upset lah, what to do? And I was still learning how to drive then, so I couldn't offer to drive. We got on ECP, and then suddenly he stepped on the accelerator and the whole car jerked forward. I looked at him, and his eyes were affixed on the road. His knuckles turned white from gripping the car steering wheel, and I lost my tongue. I still remember that lurching feeling I had, (how to admire night scene like that huH! Saw nothing but a blur!) and I asked if he were ok in a meek voice. He didn't hear, and went on speeding. I guess I was really freaked out, not by the speed at he was driving, but by the look in his eyes. I grabbed the seat tightly, and closed my eyes, tears threatening to fall.

Then I think he saw my face and suddenly slowed his car. (Now that I think about it, it must be because of the speed camera near the Fort Road exit. Bugger, and I thought he cared about me.) I cried, he cried, and we decided to go home and cry.

That incident made me realise how fragile life is, and how a moment of foolishness can turn into a lifetime of regret. I still like speeding in my car once in a while, but it is always only after the drive that I would feel that it was dangerous, and not during the ride.

Just hope nothing happens to me man. I don't want my friends to eat curry chicken under my block. (Touch wood!)

Ok, enough of nonsense.

Au demain~