Another personality test....

Well.... Qian passed me this link and i found it pretty accurate....

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

My life is...

... full of lies.

I hate liars.

*****

Why? Why? Why?

It hurts and yet it doesn't.

I'm confused and yet not.

*****

You're slowly losing me.

*****

I so wanna be loved.


xoxo,
jenn

Murphy's Law is....

... just a big fat silly disclaimer.

xoxo,
jenn

finally home.. once again.

I'm finally home from Moscow.. and well, it's been a really good trip with a bunch of very fun crew. Got a call which made me really upset, not over him, but how he still feels that he could manipulate me with his words..

But tired... need sleep.

Happened to hear this song which... reminded me of myself...

::Iris:: by GooGoo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me some how.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am......

Dubai - Moscow from 26 Jun to 3 Jul...

My lovely darlings...

I will be away from tonight till next Monday....

See you all when I get bacK!

xoxo
Jenn

Mememeeeeeeeeee.

Since everyone's doing this... here goes.

If you comment on this post:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

I love the World Cup...

... and I've been losing sleep over the matches.

Sigh. I can't sleepppppp.

And I'm so tired. My right ankle is starting to hurt again. Stupid old sports injuries.

:(

I need tender loving care.

xoxo
jenn

I miss....

... climbing trees and getting stuck there until grandpa carried me down.
... jumping into the pool after the morning walk.
... flying kites with grandpa.
... running to grandma's house after school to wait for mum.

... being able to leave class early just because we had choir rehearsals on that day.
... hanging outside the classrooms chatting with friends above and next to us.
... falling in love for the first time.
... sneaking textbooks from other classes.
... falling asleep in Biology class.
... standing up for one another as a class.
... bowling sessions or KTV sessions after school.
... eating Long John's at JEC.

... sitting outside TP bookstore in between classes, eating our favourite Little Chef cup noodles.
... slogging over the computer on our first Excel project.
... sitting in lectures trying to snack without making too much noise.
... being chummy with all our lecturers.
... cooking in Saffron.
... internship at The Regent.
... working with a good team of friends.
... eating at the tze-char stall opposite TP.
... overnight camps in TP.
... long strolls and conversations at Bedok Reservoir.
... chicken cutlet at Biz Park, muslim food in Design, jap in Mensa...
... sitting outside Jupiter Cafe watching time pass.

... working in a hotel.
... being around people who really care.
... working long hours doing things I really love.
... feeling accomplished and satisfied.

... having someone I can care for, and love.
... falling in love without any inhibition.
... being happy.
... cooking.
... lazy Sundays at the beach.

... meeting up the guys at Bt Timah for coffee and prata.
... watching soccer with the guys.
... my ex-movie kakis (YOU!!!!! sob. Now I have to find new ones.)
... hanging out with friends.
... being hopeful about everything.
... being in love.

But most of all...
... being myself.

xoxo
Jenn

Life is...

... full of contradiction. Ever made up your mind to never end up in a certain job, be with certain types of people, or do certain things, to end up being in that certain job, with those certain types of people, or doing those certain things?

I have.

Was in Kensington Park taking a walk when I saw a sign stating "No Cycling" and just on that path, I saw cyclists. Why bother putting signs when people are sure to still break them? I wonder.

*****

Have you been so unhappy that you cannot remember what happiness means? And you grow to be happy with being unhappy?

Someone posed me this question. And that probably summed up what I have been feeling the past few days. Or rather, weeks. More likely, months. OH who cares.

I guess I kinda forgot how happiness feels. Gone are the days when everything around me seemed bright and cheery no matter how grey they actually are. Gone are the days when I feel light, and not weighed down by anything at all. Gone are the days when I could laugh heartily and happily and just not give a damn to weird stares. Gone are the days when I feel carefree, and not be bothered by anything at all.

I just want to be happy again. But how can I when my heart is strongly guarded? How can I be happy when I don't allow myself that little bit of happiness?

Or where can I find my happiness?

What the f*ck am I babbling about?

*****

I miss watching soccer with the guys. I miss the lazy lounging at pubs, watching the matches on big screens. I miss drinking beer and being just one of the guys with the guys.

*****

I kinda like the smell of cigars.

*****
Some pictures from London...



And there you go! Xiao Chang and I in my room. Thanks for staying over dear. Though we've been friends only a short while, thank you for being there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to.



*****

Oh oh. And I saw this sign at the airport while waiting for my brother to touch down from Hong Kong (and OH WAIT. I AM STILL WAITING.)



Please refrain from sleeping in the establishment. Thank you for your cooperation.

NO SLEEPING OK!

No sleeping.
At all.

hur hur hur.

xoxox,
jenn

Back from London... one day earlier.

Was activated to come back one day earlier from London. Sigh. But I was glad to have been able to meet up with Xiao Chang!!! :)

Tired now. The good guy Kelvin came down to the airport to pick me up, and wrote my name on a big piece of paper. Silly boy. Somehow it feels good to have someone waiting outside the arrival hall, welcoming you back home.

The nice team boy was very sweet, came down early in the morning to send me off. Thank you!!! And sadly, no more team flights until... until.... I don't even know when. Bleah.

Gonna rush out for a while. More updates later!

Je me déteste!

La femme est triste.

Happened to chat to A over MSN before I left for Bali. He said that the ex's current gf resembles me in so many ways he felt weird.

I don't know how to describe the feeling I had after I heard it.

*****

I used to love cooking, and always cooked or baked for him... and it really felt great when he beamed and said he loved the food. Cooking used to be an act of love between us both... but now, I feel lethargic whenever I step into the kitchen to cook, and haven't been doing so for ages.

Probably should start baking stuffs again.

*****

Bali was alright, I didn't go for massage due to the back strain I had (which, is now getting a lot better) and so I had a good sleep in the hotel room. Flight back was alright, slowly feeling I can handle short flights a lot better. I wondered what life would be like if i hadn't taken up this job. Would I find something I like? Would I be happy?

*****

Then came this Jakarta turn early this morning. Leading said I did a good job and commended me to my team IFS, but I felt really lousy on the way up. I thought I could do a lot better, but yet I don't know how. Almost wanted to give up. Hoped very much to see someone after the flight so that I could probably feel a little better, but never got the chance to. Good thing I had someone to accompany me and to hear me whine over lunch and coffee, and friends who are online to put up with my nonsense.

*****

I've evolved into a boring person!!! My off days are spent mostly at home sleeping! What happened to activities?!

*****

I love long aimless drives, without any place in particular, just driving and driving and driving. I want to drive off the beaten track, admire rows of trees or the clear blue sky as I drive, or maybe on a jeep, drive into the wilderness, enjoy the bumpiness of the ride, feel the rain on my skin... feel the wind in my hair... have the sun's rays warm my soul...

Ah well, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.

*****

ARGH!

Ok, that scream was really random but I just wanted to let off steam. BOoOooOooOOOOOO.

I love it when Charcoal cuddles up to me in his sleep, and it feels good to feel him huddled against me. But I really don't appreciate the fact that he sleeps on my pillow with his ass facing my nose. And though I think he's smart to have learnt how to open the door, I wish he could close the door after him sometimes, because HE WILL STILL TRY TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN WHEN IT IS ALREADY OPEN! After which, he would strut in with an indignant look on his face. He is royalty at home. No one disturbs the Highness. No one tells the Highness what to do.

Now His Highness is staring at me. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't wait to get back from London so I can meet up with some friends. Oh dear. I haven't done the flight and I'm already looking forward to coming back.

*****

Come home quick Ah Fat and Yan. I miss hanging out with the gang.

xoxox,
Jenn

i give up.

I give up waiting for nicely rostered flights. The only good thing about the new roster is that I will be going down to Moscow. Sad thing, that I won't be going on flights with my team, and can't go out with my newly found travel companion.

Heading down to Sydney tomorrow... wonder what the flight would bring. I hope I survive tomorrow well.

Probably still feeling a little dejected about the new roster.

*****

Got tricked by the IFS on the previous sector from Shanghai, and was given the name Little Miss Naive on board.

I should really stop taking what people say at face value, huh?

*****

Met up with the 853 guys last night for a short dinner in Marina South and drinks at Cosy Bay. Brought back memories which I tried to fight back.


Vincent, Darren, Jacob & I

I miss training with the gang.

*****

I really should be sleeping now, as it's an early reporting tomorrow. But I just can't get to sleep.

I'm such a melancholic person, and I have a lot of memories inside me. Everytime I chance upon something that played a role in my life before, I would think of the past.

*****

I really shouldn't feel so attached.

*****

Was just chatting with Ah Fat, and in whatever relationship, it takes two hands to clap, both parties to make the effort to make things work. But, like I told him, as we grow older, somehow we put in less effort into making something work out. And then it comes the part on expectations. I don't know if I can live up to someone's expectation of me, and I wonder if I sometimes expect too much from someone, or anyone.

*****

Sometimes u need to just open ur heart a bit,
it's tough la.. esp after what u have gone thru.

I wish I could. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt all over again. I'm a coward. Life is about taking risks, but love is not a risk I think I can take.

xoxox,
jenn

crossroads..

I've got loads to say and yet I don't know what to say.

Laters. Woke up early and now got to prepare to bring Charcoal out for grooming.

xoxox,
jenn

the song which brought back memories...

From The Heart - Another Level

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love thats deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
Theyre staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save I'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one I'm living for.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all I got, with all I've got inside.

*****

Lost.

xoxox
Jenn

questions... without answers.

Him: You're seeing someone now?
Me: ??
Him: Is he good to you?
Me: Why ask?
Him: I still care, you know?
Me: Thanks for your concern.
Him: Do you love him?
Me: How, or rather, why should I answer that?
Him: How do you put down the past?
Me: Just like how you found someone new.
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: Does it really matter?
Him: Yes. Cos, I still miss you at times.

painting the town red...

... I wish. All that I am painting red are my nails.

Barely recovered from my bout of flu and went off to Taipei on Friday. Taipei was terrific! Jacob gave me a buzz in my room and tried to trick me with his lousy joke, and went up to his room to accompany him while he prepared for flight.

Met up with Shu'e, Huihui and Minghsia who were already there for the past 5 days and bummed in my room before we went on our eating and shopping spree in Shih Lin Night Market. I wanted to splurge on shoes but I was too spoilt for choice. We ate a lot, and walked down the streets before we headed back to Ximen Ding for a break.

I woke up in the morning with a fever and flu which had gone worse. Managed to work my way back to Singapore with a dripping tap in place of my nose. But the load was light, so there wasn't much of a problem.

Then it was meeting my lovely Qian, who came back from Doha for a short break. At Wala's, we bitched over alcohol, laughed at our own little experiences with different people, shared our life stories and our little comments about work. I wish she wasn't so far away, but then again, probably our distance apart made us really close friends today. Really love having her back, and I look forward to seeing her again sooN!!!

*****

Every country I go, I tend to buy more books to add to my collection of unread books. I think I should stop this "unhealthy" habit.

A photo collage I put together in a hurry....



*****

Can someone really love more than one person at a time? I hope not. But then again... probably I should stop deluding myself.

*****

WHERE IS VAL! I haven't seen her in the longest time! ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

jenn's quote of the day...

It's so much easier to walk away than to confront what's at hand.

I'm a coward. But I just can't face up to hurt.

*sniff sniff* *cough cough*

Had a tiny bout of flu before I left for Manchester, but I came back feeling really sick and lousy. It was a good thing that our team was scheduled to fly back as passengers, so I didn't have to work on my way back. The crew operating our flight back was really sweet, they knew I was ill, and fussed over me. I felt really pampered, and my very nice team boy took care of me during the flight.

Yes, I'm a sucker for attention and care when I'm sick. So what? :P

But yet sometimes I wish to be left alone still.

*****

Pictures of quiet town Manchester when I'm back online again. Right now, it's time to sleep.

Pitter patter pitter patter...

I kinda like Melbourne. I have no idea why. I've been to Melbourne more than 3 times, before I was flying and even now, yet I haven't grown tired of the city. But this time Melbourne was a little chilly, probably because it was near winter.


Flinders Street Station

Was supposed to meet up with George, but we had a change of plans last minute, so I went out strolling alone. Got stuck in a second-hand bookstore, where I bought 2 books (almost bought a lot more, if not for the fact that I have to save up some money). By the time I left the bookstore it was near dark, so I bought an ice cream and walked down to the park near Flinders Street Station. Was reading 'Almost French' by Sarah Turnbull and taking photos when this rather cute French guy came up to me. Phillipe was his name, and we spent the evening chatting in the park, then adjourned to the cafe for drinks and pastries. Very sweet gentleman, but then again, I don't know him well enough to judge.

*****

I picked up a leaf from the ground on my way back to the hotel. I thought it was pretty nicely shaped. But it dried up when I reach the hotel, so some of the edges have fallen off. Still, it looks pretty. I love autumn leaves.

*****

Did a Penang turn with my team yesterday, and it was the first time I met them. They seem nice, but I was, and still am, worried that I cannot really gel into the team. Will be meeting them for flight later to Manchester. And I woke up with a bout of flu. Hope things turn out well.

*****

It's not easy, eh?

Sigh.

Kena tagged. Bleah.

7 random facts about me:
1. I was really fat. Like REALLY FAT.
2. I actually am a closet nerd.
3. I have tons of books which I bought and haven't found the time to read.
4. I love dancing.
5. I used to love Smurfs, until I felt that they are pretty warped.
6. I HATE INSECTS WHICH FLY.
7. My comfort drink is hot Milo.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. George Clooney
2. Johnny Depp
3. Brad Pitt
4. Hugh Jackman
5. Robert Redford
6. Orlando Bloom
7. Antonio Banderas

7 qualities i want in a potential boyfriend:
can't think. I kinda gave up on potential boyfriends.

7 things that scare me:
1. COCKROACHES
2. lizards
3. Horror shows
4. losing loved ones
5. losing Charcoal
6. stupid insects which fly
7. planes which cannot fly

7 random songs at the moment:
1. You're beautiful / James Blunt
2. Same side of the moon / Corrine May
3. Sexed up / Robbie Williams
4. Bad Day / Daniel Powter
5. Goodbye my lover / James Blunt
6. If I kissed you / Corrine MAy
7. Safe in a crazy world / Corrine May

7 things i like the most:
1. Sitting with people I like, doing nothing at all
2. Reading my books or magazines
3. eating ice cream
4. Dancing
5. champagne, red wine or white wine, according to mood
6. Grocery Shopping
7. taking a road trip.

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. Go to Spain
2. take part in a piano concerto
3. Backpack around the world
4. Bring my parents to wherever they want to go
5. Travel to unknown places on earth
6. Sky diving
7. Mountain hiking

7 things i say the most:
1. I don't give a flying f***
2. WHAT?!
3. What the f***?!
4. Excuse me/ Sorry/ Please excuse me.
5. Mind your heads/ backs/ legs!
6. Thank you sir/ madam!
7. Shucks.

ROOOOARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just whine (again) about my lousy roster next month?

*****

Had a wonderful time in Beijing, K heard I would be bored there, then he took the really late night flight, and appeared at my door in the morning! We chatted over room service, and then he took the same flight which I was on back at night. We spoke a lot, after he disappearing from my life (or was it me from his life) for ... say... 3 years?

And then it was a short stay in Seoul, where I rushed out to fulfil some friends' shopping lists, drinking and eating, drinking and eating... Little wonder it is then, that my uniform seems tight now. Argh.

*****

The weekend was spent lazing and catching up on sleep at home. Met up with JH and QL for supper near my place. The two guys are finally near to graduation.. and we talked about how we've all grown and done things which we never thought we would have done. Would we have taken a different path if we had the chance to go back in time?

*****

Heard great news from Qian, and I wish her happiness. Hope this is the man who'll love you in the most perfect way possible.

I yearn to love, and be loved in return. Is that difficult?

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.

- George Sand -

Can you make me happy?

*****

Spent the morning with K again, and we wondered if things would have worked out if we had gotten together then. I thought not, but he thought otherwise. Still, he's changed and I've changed. Will things work out now?

I would rather be your friend forever. At least, then I would know that you'd always love me in your capacity.

*****

Same topics discussed with different groups of people, yet they all say the same. I shouldn't think too much eh?

*****

Been really irritated since last night. I think I'm really tired, both emotionally and physically. I need a break.

xoxox,
jenn

Off to Beijing... again...

This is the second time I'm flying off to Beijing within a month. However, dear Mr Fat is not free to meet me as he will be away for the May Day holidays.

Hopefully the flight tomorrow will be good. Not exactly looking forward to flight since what happened the last time. Sigh.

How positive can one stay for long? I wonder.

Girlfriend called me earlier and asked me a really weird question about something which happened a long time back.. and kinda got me thinking a little. I wonder why she asked.

*****

On another note, Qian is finally coming back to SIN for a while! And she'll be in on the days I'm home!

Can't wait to catch up with her at Wala's. At least this is the tentative plan.

*****

I finally went for brazilian waxing at Strip this afternoon. Haven't done it in the longest time ever and... it was a hair-raising (no pun intended) experience. Spent the afternoon window shopping, and ended up at The Mind Cafe, laughing our asses off on the games we played.

I love spending time like that with people I care for.

*****

Am typing as I am painting my nails blood red. I can't believe that this nail painting routine has become part of my life.

Eew.

Random ramblings... oh what's new?

Met up with Amy and Huiling in the evening for dinner, and we sat at Starbucks to bitch the night away. Chat about sensitive topics which might get Amy blushing, but it was really funny and hilarious. And so the 2 ladies left to meet their beaus, and I, without any plans, came home taking public transport.

I've been taking public transport pretty much of late, and somehow, I like long bus rides. Reminded me of the long conversations we've had, the only times we could spend together due to our packed student activities, catching up on each other's lifes. Reminisced a little about the past, and kinda missed taking the bus with the guys after choir practices.

Ah, signs of me growing old.

*****

Plans with Lady Stella to go MOS kinda didn't happen cos I felt tired earlier, and we couldn't really find people to go. So I came home and sat my butt down in front of the computer, and spent the time thinking if I should remove my makeup and shower before getting into bed. After an hour of painstakingly waiting for calls to invite me out for the night, I decided to prepare for bed.

Just as I stepped out of the shower, a call came and forced me out for drinks. So I went out again.

We chatted, laughed, and drank while catching up after a long period of disappearance from each other's lifes. He said that he could never be a replacement, only a substitute. And I agreed, somehow.

*****

And I just got back, feeling more awake than ever.

I think I need sleep.

Back home again....

Just got back from Christchurch, had a bad start which left me feeling really demoralised, but thanks to the crew, who encouraged me no end, I survived pretty much.

Don't feel like talking about it though, so ... would appreciate if you guys don't ask. :)

*****

Wanted to skydive in NZ, but weather was so bad, it rained every hour or so. First night, we went to the casino opposite the hotel and spent a long time there. When we got back, a few of us gathered to drink and play games, and I went back to the room feeling woozy. Think I talked rubbish online with a couple of people (you know who you are, especially the one who wanted to call and hear how I sound!). So it was just lunch and a little walk around town the next day, in the rain no less.

*****

Couldn't sleep last night in the hotel, so met up with one of the crew and we had a long chat into the morning.

Shared many thoughts... which set me thinking. =(

*****

I wish things were a lot simpler.

Spinning around...

This has been a crazy week of turnarounds... to Kuala Lumpur, and to Bangkok. Great crew, lots of learning, lots of training on my speed, what else can I ask for?

Had a nightstop in Bangkok, so once we checked into the room, a group of us went out for shopping, drinks and dinner, or rather, supper. Came back to the hotel pretty late, and I contemplated staying awake throughout the night, only to fall asleep and disregard the ringing of my alarm clock.

No more wild nights like this.

*****

Met up with Stella for dinner, and we spent about 3 hours in Cafe Cartel, just chatting and bumming around, hogging a huge table meant for a big group. But no one chased us away, so we shamelessly sat ourselves down.

I got a webcam and a Skype phone! So last night I gave a coupla friends a quick tour of my room. hahaha! Then Val & I tried to use skype to chat on the phone, but there was something wrong with our connection. Sigh.

And now I'm forcing friends to see me via webcam. STOP HIDING FROM ME ALOYSIUS! And chatting with Ah Fat over skype.

*****

Tomorrow I'll be off to Christchurch. Heard the weather's cold. So, I went out to buy a jacket, despite already having 2 from London.

And hurt done to my wallet was... $400. I walked past Esprit and I saw they were having a sale.

Sigh.

This is unhealthy.

Argh.

STOP IT JENN!

I miss...

... being the old me.

Where are you?

:,(

I really should stop being so emo and get out of this depressing shithole.

It's already 3 am...

... and I can't get to sleep still.

Oh, and because it was Easter Sunday yesterday, we had hot cross buns on board! I absolutely love hot cross buns because they have raisins and apricots inside. Love it love it love it! I broke into song in the galley and got laughed at by the rest.

"Hot cross buns, hot cross buns,
One a penny, two a penny
Hot cross buns!"

Now that I've got myself started on silly songs, here's another one I love to sing to irritate everyone.

"Say a thousand legged worm, as it gives a little squirm,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine hundred and ninety-nine!
Hop around, Hop around,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine-hundred and ninety-nine!"

Oh I feel so young again.

I have more songs! And nursery rhymes!
BUt I'm done with them today. Now the wormy song is stuck in my head.

Damn it.

Rain.. rain

Got back from my standby flight this morning... did a turnaround to Dhaka and it was truly and eye-opener for me. Learnt a lot of things though, which is good, and I really hope to be good at what I'm doing.

*****

I love rain somehow. I like the cold, wet feeling, the droplets of rain on my window. I like to sit in cars, trace the path each drop of rain run down the window. I like to see how people would run to take shelter from the rain, I like to see people strolling under their umbrellas, all from the comfort of my covered shelter.

Yet at times, I love to run in the rain, heck, if I could, I want to dance in the rain.

But I wish the rain will go away tomorrow because Val & I want to go to SentosA!

*****

When I was happily attached years back, I thought all I wanted was a successful career and be a happily married woman.

Then I became single and I thought... I just want a successful career.

Then I got this job. Good bye successful career.

hAhaha, Val and I talked about this during our stay in Karachi. Life takes a weird turn sometimes. Or rather, everytime.

*****

Finally my NUS/NTU guys are graduating! Welcome to the working world, in advance, buddies! But first, have fun with exams. HAhAhahA!

And yes, I'm still left with 2 modules that I need to complete before I graduate from UWA. I will settle it soon. I hope.

*****

I want my iBook back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lousy feeling

Just got home from The Mind Cafe with friends.

I had wanted to get something off my chest...felt really lousy, really lousy.

But I thought it wouldn't be of any use. Cos the outcome will stay the same.

It's tiring to live a lie right? I wouldn't have the energy to do that.

singled out

So someone patched back with the ex, some friends got hitched, one got married and oh well, none free to accompany poor old me.

Back to work tomorrow night... sigh.

*****

I was browsing through some books, and a sudden thought hit me.

I used to feel... special somehow. Like.. people would love me for my bubbly personality, my witty jokes, my silliness... everything.

Somehow, I realised I'm.. just boring old me. No longer the hyper-active one, no longer the funny one, no longer the person to hang out with.

I hate this feeling.

*****

Sudden craving for salmon.
And thick chunks of steak.

Another boring post...

Yes, as you may have noticed, I've been blogging a lot more recently. I'm on a week's leave, and my plans to go HKG or to BKK or even to the beach have been scrapped due to my being vain.

SO during the past few days, I have:
- packed my room slightly
- chatted over the phone and MSN with friends I haven't had time to catch up with
- done online shopping
- surfed many weird and interesting websites
- attended an ROM this afternoon.

*****

So this afternoon I attended Phil's ROM. That guy had the cheek to call me on Monday, telling me that he forgot to send me an invitation to his ROM. Being really good friends, and on the promise that he will introduce some nice young chaps to me, I tagged along.

I volunteered my camera for some photo-taking sessions, when I realised.. I left my memory stick in the computer.

How nice. How typical of me.

Today's the first time I saw P's wife. Always knew she wasn't local, but I wasn't expecting him to marry an Australian as his parents are very conservative and traditional. Still, for his parents to be able to accept her, that lady must be really special. Sad thing is, after next month, he'll be leaving us to settle down in Perth with her family. Which means, he's gotten his job application approved. Which means, when I go to Perth, I can visit him! Which means, I'm more likely to see him more often! Which, when I told him that, he cringed and said he'd keep his address hidden from me.

How nice. How typical of him.

My leave's coming to an end on Friday. And tomorrow night I am going to watch West Side Story with Jason!

YIPPEE!

Ok, enough of blogging.

MyHeritage.com

Again, another bored day at home. It's raining and I can't go down to the beach!

So I was chatting with Sel, and then he told me to go MyHeritage.com. And so I did. And then the next half an hour or so, I was stuck with putting up pictures and seeing who I resembled.

Heh.

All you people who have taken photos with me before, BEWARE!!!



This is a picture of Val and I in London...



A pic of Sel & I taken outside The University of Sydney... and I quote "I don't wanna look like a dead gay!" :P



This was taken at Louis' birthday party last year. HahaHAahAh, apparently he looks like Stephen Chow.



A narcissistic picture of myself. Who is Ha Ji-Won anyway?



And then I put up Charcoal's pic for fun. But no matches.

So.. I have a typical Asian face with my small eyes. Sigh. NO chance of me looking like Angelina Jolie ever.

My love language... haha!

I... erm... was bored. So...

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		11
Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

beauty.

I've learnt, that beauty comes with a price to pay.

I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again.

Slap me with a trout if you ever see me being vain again.

::unprotected::

Nightmares plague me every night, haunting me in my sleep. I toss and turn, I wake up in tears, yet I don't remember much.

Snippets, snippets and snippets.... Photographs of my haunting dreams pieced up to tell a whole new story.

I feel vulnerable.

I feel exposed.

I feel... left alone.

Give me a box. I want to stay inside my box.

Back from Karachi...

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.
The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other.
- excerpt from Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

Touched down from Karachi, Pakistan, early yesterday morning. I have nothing much to say about Karachi, cos I spent 90% of my time in the hotel, catching up on rest and my reading. Being a closet nerd that I am, I was elated when I finished one book.

Read Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, and was rather surprised to find that I could actually relate to many instances mentioned in the story, a real-life account of a prostitute who was trying to find herself. Life is, by itself, a contradictory stage. It is too long, too draggy for one to suffer, yet too short, too abrupt, for anyone to make mistakes. For me, in the midst of trying to live life, I lose myself and not know what I want out of life. Heck, sometimes I don't even know who I am. Am I still bursting with energy, full of zest for things I do, full of curiosity for all new things... or am I jaded with life, with love, with everything and just about everyone?

I have no fucking idea.

*****

Anyway, Karachi. Dusty and we were advised not to drink water from the taps, or eat any fresh salads, or take drinks with ice cubes, lest we fall ill. Things there are really affordable! I went with S$30, and I still had about S$4 when I came home, even after spending money on desserts, snacks, a very filling dinner, and a scrumptious breakfast in the room! Hotel staff are really hospitable, and they made sure we were well taken care off.

Val and I operated the same flight again, and she went out the next day with 2 other ladies to sight-see. I stayed in, and went out alone in the afternoon. When I got out of the hotel, I had a shock. I didn't see any women at all, NONE. And, being the only woman on the street, I got followed, got stared at, got pestered by taxi drivers trying to bring me around for shopping. So, I got freaked out and didn't tour further than the street I was on. Sigh.

*****

It was Val's birthday on our way back to SIN, so I wished her twice, once in Singapore time and one Pakistan time.

I LOVE YOU BABE! Hope you had a real enjoyable birthday! Thanks for always being there, and I'm so gonna miss you on my flights.

*****

Qian called me from Dhaka, and we spent a good almost-two hour chat on the phone. The phone bill's crazily high, but nothing's too much or too expensive for a dear friend.

I'm glad you called, babe.

*****

It's funny how we always term it "women's intuition", when a woman gets this naggy feeling about something and it comes out true.

I had this same feeling a couple of days back, but I don't dare to know if my so-called intuition is true or not.

Even if it's true, there's nothing I can do about it.

*****

And...

No, you can't love two people at the same time.

Finally... updates....

Sorry for the delayed update. Was too lazy to edit any photos, and with Photoshop working SLOW (I repeat, DOUBLY SLOW) on my Windows, it took me practically the whole night to edit the freaking photos!!!

And so I decided to work on my iBook, and I think, I overloaded too many photos at a go... and... I think it kinda crashed.

I hope my iBook's still surviving, thing is, it's not starting up. And I'm worried. Cos I never backed up anything in there. I should, right? Was procrastinating the backup thingy. ARGH! It just had to happen at this time! IDIOT!

Yeah. I'm rambling cos it's 6 am and I am nowhere near sleepy.

-------

Sydney

Went to Sydney on my first solo flight, and good thing for me, Val happened to do the next flight to Sydney as well. So we met up, and then Selwyn came down to show us around!

We went to this place called "Pancakes on the Rocks" for brunch, and it was YUMMY. Ok, I'm a sucker for desserts, but then it was really cheap and good! Sel was very sweet to have spent his whole day with us, doing all the tourist-y things like taking photos, ooo-ing and aah-ing at stuffs...



Kinda hoping to go back to Sydney again soon though.

*****

Beijing

And then it was Beijing.

Met up with Fat and we went to have a great scrumptious dinner which cost less than S$20! Where could you get such a good deal? Things are pretty cheap in Beijing, but I didn't get to do much shopping cos I slept the afternoon away before I met him.

It was great catching up with him over dinner... it seemed like such a long while since we had a heart-to-heart talk. Good to see that he's moving on well, and settling well into the city.

Still, Fat, we miss you and hope you are coming back soon!



And, oh oh!, Fat made a jigsaw picture of him and I, with some really nice touching words.

Thank you for being there for me always too, bro. Thank you for always supporting me.

*****

London

Just got back from London on Friday morning. London was... well, wet. It was COLD and raining almost every hour! Val, Dora and I went on this flight together, and once we settled into the hotel, I called Kelly up in her room and made her come to my room to chat. I really miss having them around.

London was good for sight-seeing. Next morning, Val and I hopped on the Big Bus and went around town. A "coffee-break" (cos we were freezing in the wind) ended up a long shopping spree where I finally managed to find my winter jackets and Val spent a bomb on caps, bags and what-nots. We watched Phantom of the Opera (Original London cast) and were struggling to stay awake through the whole show cos we were just too tired. But the musical was lovely, lovely. I would love to watch it again, but I guess my next show in London would be perhaps Les Miserables or Stomp!

Dora had a friend, Jeff, join us when we were on standby in the hotel. So the four of us did nothing but played cards in the room, ate cup noodles and dilly-dallied around. Luckily dinner was a longer break, and we went down to Marks & Spencer's and I almost went crazy deciding what to buy from there. I LOVE THE COUS COUS THERE!!! it was SUPERB.

Ok, my iBook failed on me at this point, and I had to re-edit the photos from my PC. So... I got lazy and just decided to put up these few pics.




*****

Next month's roster looks promising. Hoping to go more places and save up for my future plans....

*****

I'm keeping my fingers crossed on my iBook. I've tons of pics in there and I haven't backed up.

Pray hard for me.

I just want...

Qian sent me an sms the other day... "i want a decent, very good looking and very rich man who loves me. is that asking too much?"

Me too. Just that I don't really need a very good looking or very rich man. Just... decent, and loves me alot.

Is that too much?

*****

Been lazy to edit pictures from my first few flights, but it was fun.

Off to London tomorrow.. I promise a full run-through of all my flights! With pics! when I come back that is.

Love ya all.

*****

Updated (after Qian read what I wrote):

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:16 PM)
like the perfect guy never exists u noe

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:25 PM)
and even if he does im not lucky enough to have him


She's my new philosopher.

Feelings...

I hate the way I'm feeling now. I'm feeling... hurt... sad... lost... envious... and perhaps.. jealous?

I hate ambiguity in anything.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, am I?

Why why why why why?

My "P" plate is on again...

Tomorrow is my doomsday. My first solo flight. To Sydney... Hopefully things turn out well, and I don't get into trouble.

Hesitant, nervous, and worried... But I am not going to let it get to me!!! ARGH!

Oh, the furniture came today, and I had fun shifting around stuffs in my room. My stuffs are still very messiy packed, but... at least it's neater and nicer. I have a TV corner and a sleeping place! WOO HOO!! Er.. wanted to take pictures and put up, but... you know... messy... *heh heh*

So I was bored last night and was just surfing online, and read someone's blog from *gasp* her first entry to current. Thankfully it wasn't years and years of history... Funnily, I could relate very much to her relationship... and in a way, I guess I am somewhat like her, past and present.

It's scary how a relationship can be so fragile... At some point, one party will forget why he or she fell in love with the partner, and perhaps will disregard and take for granted the other party's feelings.

Yet it feels good to be crazily in love, that rush of adrenaline when your lips touch, that tingling feeling you get when his fingers run down your back...

Oh well.

Love hurts eh?

Odd odd..

It's already near 4am and yet I am still very much awake. It's been a boring Friday night, with my plans to go see Eligible Bachelors at MOS cancelled cos I just didn't have the energy to go swoon at men. So Val and Amin called, and demanded that I joined them for coffee, and again, I was plain lazy. Then my dear Jacob called, to join him for drinks at MS, and then again, I didn't want to go because... I was tired. And then I stayed home to play with Charcoal. And blogged. And watched TV. And ate ice cream.

Then the weirdest thing happened.

Despite the hurt, I still very much want to care for him as a friend. In any case, we were good friends before we were together. I asked after him. He was fine, apart from his ever-rising credit card bills. He's stopped clubbing for a while so that he could get his finances in check. Relationship is ok, apart from the normal misgivings and stuffs. And he feels more like an island.

I told him I was really tired and wanted to go home. He reeked of alcohol and I offered to drive him home safely, but he declined. Yet he didn't seem like he wanted to go home.

Perhaps ultimately, I'm just a replacement for someone in everyone's lifes. Perhaps you will never love me as much as you loved her then or perhaps now, or maybe I can never be that special someone who can be part of your life. Worst still, I can never be as good as who I am replacing.

Pain. Pain is an addiction I can never rid myself of. An addiction so strong, I could stab myself over and over again. Morbid, yes, but it's the only thing that reminds me of my sole existence.

My purpose on earth? To fill up that void someone left.

Yes, that's who I'll always be. A replacement, no less.

I wish I can be the special one though
The one you think of before you sleep
The one you think of when you walk down the streets
I wish I can be the one to walk you through
The one who stays on when the road gets tough
The one who hangs on when things go rough
I want to be the one at the altar with you
The one who says she'll live her life with you
The one whom you want to live your life with.

Graduation.... I'm a full-fledged cabin crew!

And so, graduation was on Wednesday.

The skit went on well, and judging from the laughs, the audience quite enjoyed it. Thanks to Louis for coordinating and doing almost everything, to Val for helping out with the music and stuffs, to Jacob for helping to push people to work, to Darren for putting up a good act despite the fact that he was sick, to Kelly for being the loan shark, to Dora and Meera for arranging the food, and the rest for making this grad a success.

I was kinda upset that after graduation everyone just left without a proper goodbye or such. I guess this only shows how bonded our batch is. Especially in the last few weeks, things got a little... out of hand.. and lots of unhappiness surfaced.

Ah well, I was the Best Trainee for my batch, and I delivered my last minute speech in stutter. It's been a long while since I last delivered a speech, and I still think it's easier to write a speech for someone else than for myself.

(As I am typing this entry, Charcoal is farting... in his sleep. POTENT farts. And I figure I will die by morning by poisoning.)

I was cleaning up my room and I found this little pocket daily calendar that I used to write notes in when I was at Mandarin, and I read through what I wrote. I recorded things he did which made me really happy, and things which made me upset... somehow, I couldn't remember how I felt about him in the past. I could remember what we did, what we said, but I just can't remember how I felt then. Me thinks it's weird how someone can disappear from your life totally when he used to be your world in the past. I haven't heard from him in a long while, nor heard news about him. It doesn't matter anyway I guess.

So we're starting to fly soon... and a lot of things will change. Perhaps the group of us Chinks will lose contact with one another, but I really hope we can still keep in contact for as long as possible. Yeap yeap.

I wanna put up pics, but I'm so lazy and my eyes are so dry they threaten to pop out of the sockets.

Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow.

Sweetened pleasures...

Word of advice to all: Don't hang out in the MRT station near closing. Why? THE FREAKING IRRITATING ANNOUNCEMENT kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.... and when the station is empty, the announcement comes on EXTREMELY loud. Argh. It's now stuck in my head.

And then while watching Munich, my jet lag got the better of me and I fell asleep during the whole show. I've been wanting to watch the show ever since I saw its trailer!!!

I'm such a sleepyhead.

Was outside Meritus Mandarin, and I couldn't help but think back on the times I was working there. I miss working in the hotel industry. The times we tolled till late night, the days of handling projects and events, meeting up with journalists and guests, working with my crazy girls, the colleagues from the other departments... Sigh.

Charcoal has been sniffing around in my room for tissue paper and food. I think it's time I clear up the messy room. Yawn. I'm soooooooooooo sleepy and lazy.

Need to go Ikea to grab my shelves and cupboards.

Ah well, I'm going out to meet the ladies. Laters!

Ogenki desu-ka?

Ohayo!

I got back from Osaka yesterday evening... pretty nice place to shop and walk around, save for the cold winter weather. Till now, I am still very much undecided whether I like or dislike winter. Will be flying off to Melbourne again tomorrow morning.. hopefully I can stay awake throughout the flight.

The team I just flew with was really really nice. Many of them gave me a lot of invaluable advice, and I am very grateful for their care and concern. I hope that everyone I fly with will be like them. (heh, heh)

My sore eyes haven't fully healed. It got pretty bad during my flight, and I almost had to be removed off duty. The worse thing is, I couldn't go for my pool session and had to postpone my diving trip next weekend. This sucks. Stupid sore eyes.

I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about whether I have made the right choice to be in this line. True enough, I am enjoying the travelling, and the work isn't really that bad actually. But I just dont know what I should make of this job, or career, if that is ever going to happen.

And then, what's with everyone, from taxi drivers to buddies, trying to introduce their sons, friends, brothers, whatevers to me? Not that I can get any guy at the flick of my wrist, but then, I definitely think I don't need much help with getting hitched right? Thanks for all the effort though. If I need help, I know who to find. You all should really start some matchmaking agency really.

And I just chipped my nail polish. (*&*&@#&%^^

Off to bed soon.

It feels really nice sometimes to have someone to care for...

Me, myself and I

I declared Saturday as a "Myself Day". After sending Charcoal to the groomer's in the morning, I went to the doctor's to check up on my very sore and disgustingly red left eye. After which, I went to do a French manicure that didn't survive the day cos... it looked out of sorts.

Then it was to Wisma to get my regular moisturiser and stuffs, to catch up with Serene for a while, a bit of shopping, then when I found out that Alex was in town dyeing his hair, I popped by to get a haircut too. Which, no one realised.

My sore eye condition was pretty bad, to the extent I was offered tissue paper cos some nice guy thought I cried. How very pathetic.

Today was a so-so day... I've been feeling all prick-ish, getting irritated at the smallest stuffs. In fact, I've been like this since Friday. Argh. I hope this floats away soon. Sorry to those who have been suffering the brunt of my prickiness (if there ever is such a word).

I'm so sleepy but yet I have to wait for the nails to fully dry. Argh.

Graduation's coming soon and I really hope things will turn out fine.

Night world.

So my iBook is back....

and $252 is gone from my bank account.

But I am happy. I have my baby back with me! Yoo HOOO!

Training is soon coming to a close.. and I will soon have to part from my batchmates. Having mixed feelings... as much as I look forward to earning a proper income, I know for sure I will miss the fun I've had with my batch. The friendships made over these few months... I hope they are strong enough to last as long as they can go.

Sigh.

I wonder how life is gonna be like once I start flying.

Thinking of moving out to stay, and mum has been asking me if my plans to live out for a while is concrete.

Pictures from my mini birthday party!


wishing and hoping...


Crazy Val and I


Kelly, me, and Val testing out Jacob's new vibration-less N90

And so it has come and gone....

Yes... I am now officially 24 years of age. Still young, still young. I am not even at my quarter-life crisis.

Had a great day today, apart from the training that I struggled hard to stay awake at. My batchmates were very sweet, and we celebrated my birthday at Swensons'... makes me feel young again. Thanks to my dearest Val, Kelly, Louis, Jacob, Vincent and Darren!

And after that, it was salsa class. Argh. I haven't attended salsa classes for a while, and I'm pretty lost to the steps and moves. I'm too dependent on the men's leads. It was fun though...

And so now I'm no longer the birthday princess. My carriage, according to Val, has turned back into the pumpkin it once was.

On another note, I'm thinking of going diving. As in, learn how to dive first. Anyone interested in joining me? Most probably from 10 to 12 Mar. Sms me if you're keen!

Happy birthday...

Yes, happy birthday to me.

Thanks to friends for all the well-wishes... and Ah fat for that lovely email. It was very nice to open my inbox and see that email waiting for me.

This year is gonna be a real quiet year, compared to last year when I spent my day in the hospital. No wild parties, no crazy celebrations... just... a day to pass.

Sadly, mum forgot my birthday, again. I couldn't help but cry and feel silly about it. Even now as I type, tears are rolling down my face. Anyone can forget my birthday but not her... I feel so lousy.

I know I'm whiny and being a child... but it's my birthday and I can do anything I want today. I'm the queen.

SO THERE!

addiction.

I left my iBook with Apple Care Centre yesterday. It costs $252 to change a freaking keyboard, all because sister here forgot to register my Apple Care.

ARGH!

Dumb ass. Ever know anyone who bought warranty for a product but never registered? Congratulations, you just knew one.

I'm suffering from bad withdrawal symptoms without my iBook. I hope they will hurry up the repair and give me back my baby.

This weekend is a pretty lazy one... alot of sleeping in, and sleeping, and then more sleeping.

I wish I have the answers to the many doubts in my mind, but I just don't. Maybe I don't have the courage to face certain feelings I have, maybe I just want to run away. I know what and how I feel, but yet I don't even know if I should be feeling this way. It's never going to work out in the end, right?

I'm just a great pretender of my life, an actress, a stringed puppet led by others' expectations of me. I hold no right to what I should feel and how I should act.

So long as I'm happy, it doesn't matter right?

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

What do you think about me?

Click here!

My life is about painting my nails red...

And so I am back from Melbourne.

Again, a great team of crew, all patient and ever willing to lend me a hand and give words of advice... sadly, Kelly and I were too shy to make the request to sit in the cockpit with the tech crew. Darn.

Melbourne was great, with the lovely buildings everywhere and more affordable shopping areas around the hotel. We had fun walking around and getting lost, trying on crazy little sunglasses and weird masks... And it's back to training tomorrow! But before that, I have to write out some flight report.

Was feeling sick after I came back from Seoul, the dizziness and the pukiness didnt go away, even till now. Was to go see the doc's last night, but mum refused to let me drive out. Yawnz. So it's to the doc's later.

Oh, Irene told me that she might be getting married this year!!! I'm so happy for her! It's not everyday you find someone you can share a life with. Congrats dear!

Ah fat managed to get online in Beijing, and I've made not-so-concrete plans to meet him up when I go over there in March. Then I realised I would be there for... say... slightly more than half a day? Shucks. Hope we can still have time for a cuppa.

My dear Q is supposed to be back today, but so far I have yet to receive her sms. Where are you!!!

-----

I received 3 bouquets of flowers this Valentine's day. Funnily, no one asked me out on dates. 1 bouquet of white lilies was from P, the other 2: one rose and one white orchids, were from anonymous people. I absolutely dislike it when people send me things and don't leave names or any contact numbers, because, though it can be fun at times to guess who my mystery senders are, but it's only fun when I have a slight clue to who it might be.. Now I have no freaking clue.

Darn.

-----

Sometimes I applaud myself for my stupidity.

I was packing my stuffs into boxes because I am about to get new furniture (yay!) and re-do my room a little. Then I realised... I packed all my training notes into the boxes as well, when I need to use them soon.

Yes, and I had to open the boxes and unpack every single thing.

-----

Ok, I'm finally meeting up with Stella and Angie tonight. It's been.... half a year (???) since we last met up. I'm missing them so much!!!

Hope this giddy spell will run off.

.:emo freak:.

I have this sudden urge to... cry.

Amidst all the laughter and the chirpiness of the group, I just felt... a little out of sorts. I was unable to gather my thoughts, and though I smiled and laughed along, I felt as if I was not within me. Oh well, if you get what I mean.

-----

It is so not easy. I over-estimated myself.

Back from Seoul... Anyung Haseyo!

Just got back from my maiden training flight. Seoul was... well, FREEZING cold. Silly me forgot to bring socks, and didn't really pack well for the cold weather. Lucky for me, Kelly lent me her scarf. I was freezing my toes and ears off while we were out at night, running away from the cold draft and the falling snow.

The flight was alright, I learnt a lot of things, and had a great team with me. I'm thankful for their patience, otherwise I guess I would have already been thrown out of the plane for my lack of speed. It was a big eye-opener for me, into the culture at the airline and the work environment. At times I wonder if I am suited for the job really. But I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.

Daddy called a couple of times while I was in Seoul. I thought it was pretty sweet of him, considering the fact that he wasn't really warm to the idea of me being in this industry.

-----

On another note... perhaps it's good that I'm not attached after all. I had time to rethink certain situations that I'm in at the moment. Should I stay or should I leave? Before I fall too deep into it, I think I should make some kind of a decision, no? Or should I leave everything status quo?

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through


Perhaps, I think too much.

-----

Oh my flight roster is out! I'll be heading for Bangkok, then Narita in Mar, then back home from Japan, and then to Melbourne again. After graduation, I'll be heading to Sydney, and after that to Beijing. Perhaps can meet up with Ah Fat there. Hopefully.

Looking forward to my Melbourne flight coming Sunday somehow.

-----

I miss... being me.

Random ramblings yet again...

I've been rather random recently.

-----

Was watching "The Journey of Man" on NatGeo this morning, and Dr Spencer Wells said that it's "kinda" proven that all our ancestors came from Africa. I thought, if this is true, then why are we differentiated by colour? Apparently, our skin changes colour to suit the sun intensity.

I should visit Africa.

-----

I realised I am fond of talking to myself sometimes. Like this afternoon, I was mumbling something out loud, and this guy stared at me.

I'm psychotic.

-----

Oh, and by the way, I do not need to be matchmade. Please stop introducing your friends' friends or brothers' friends or anyone who is a third degree friend to me. Do I look that desperate seriously?!!

Yawn.

Argh. I'm going to finish that tub of ice cream sitting in my fridge. Better get it out of the way first. It's an eyesore.

Same side of the moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon



My current favourite song of the week.....

Random ramblings...

Disappeared again.

Been so tied up with exams, tests, and what nots.

ARgh.

I forgot about tomorrow's test too, until someone reminded me.

Damn.

Ok, enough of griping.

::love::

I gave up someone who could have loved me.

Rain...

It rained slightly today, and the reddish tinge the shower left brought a little warmth to my heart.

*****

Met up with Ms H and Ms A last night, for a short dinner at the airport. Haven't seen them around much since our last chocolate buffet, and was glad for their presence. The three of us are very different in our own ways... yet we can still be such good friends.

I miss working in a team with you girls.

*****

It's silly how we use our past experience to make judgement on things and people.

I guess this is our natural way of self-preservation, of protecting ourselves after being hurt.

the replacement people...

Finally managed to meet up with my dear Igualans (minus Ang) after such a long while, though I was really, really late. Friends for 11 years and still running, and I love how when we meet up, it seems just like old times. Thanks to all dearies who made this gathering happen.

I've been trying to meet up with close friends recently, but I've been really busy, training and all. Lack of sleep is getting to me somewhat, but I still love meeting you guys in the dead of the night. There's just something... melancholy... about the night.. good for catching up.

*****

The skies are finally clearing up, and it's good to see the sun again. Went for a long overdue run, and never felt better. I love rain, yet too much of it makes me dreary. I love how the sun shines into my room when my curtains are open. Goodbye to wet season.. Goodbye!

*****

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been really special to anyone at all. I wonder if people would look back on their lives, and think about me in a special way. I wonder when I die, will I make it to your Top 10 list of Favourite People?

I wonder if I've etched a memory of me in your heart.

*****

A friend told me, when you lose something, the only way you can get over it is to find something else to replace it.

I wonder if I've ever been a replacement of sorts to anyone. And if I were, what did I replace? After all, I have been the replacement people for most of my life.

Don't we all?

*****

I love this poem by Emily Dickinson.

The Skies Can't Keep Their Secret

The skies can’t keep their secret!
They tell it to the hills—
The hills just tell the orchards—
And they the daffodils!

A bird, by chance, that goes that way
Soft overheard the whole.
If I should bribe the little bird,
Who knows but she would tell?

I think I won’t, however,
It’s finer not to know;
If summer were an axiom,
What sorcery had snow?

So keep your secret, Father!
I would not, if I could,
Know what the sapphire fellows do,
In your new-fashioned world!

Tagged.

My name: Jennifer
My childhood ambition: I wanted to be an English teacher, then a piano teacher, then an actress, then a singer, then an astronaut, then a fighter pilot, then a sailor....
My Fondest memory: Having grandpa bring me to piano lesson when I was just 7 years old.
My soundtrack: Someday We'll Know by the New Radicals
My Retreat: somewhere in my head that no one can reach
My Wildest Dream: to... to.... to... elope with someone i love
My Proudest Moment: when i managed to survive the darkest period in my life.
My Biggest Challenge: living past each day happily.
My Alarm Clock: is my handphone.
My perfect day: sleeping in for 24 hours.
My First Job: McDonald's crew
My indulgence: Ice cream
My Last purchase: Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie
My Favourite Movie: The Graduate
My inspiration: My Mummy
My life: is a line.

I want to tag Gigi, but then she's on a hiatus to dont know when, so I dont know who else to tag cos the people on the right hand side of this page do not really reply to tags.

.:perfection:.

Perhaps it's PMS, but I've been pretty affected by things happening recently. And it's so odd, how when friends, who are supposed to accept you for who you are, suddenly have expectations which you can't seem to meet no matter how hard you try.

I am not the perfect girl, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect person, nor ever will be the perfect woman… but I try very much in my capacity to be the most perfect person that I can ever be. And if my so-called “perfections” are flaws in others’ point of view, then I will try harder. I know I can’t satisfy everyone, and I can never live up to what others expect from me.

I'm perfectly imperfect.

I just need to accept this.

Christmas is... Love..

Christmas has come and gone... but this year, Christmas seemed to be like any other day. Apart from the usual gift exchanges, parties, it felt no different from other days.

It's sad how Christmas seems to hold lesser meaning to me as the years pass by. Perhaps I'm pretty morbid towards such special occasions. But well, life's a bitch.

Last Christmas, I remember being with him at a jazz concert, and a depressing heart-to-heart talk after the concert in the carpark. My heart was shattered then, but I still hung on. This year, he and I became nothing but strangers. No well-wishing messages, no heartfelt hugs, no exchange of gifts... which is good in a way, since I don't feel that much for him already.

Hopefully next year Christmas will be better.

Yes, I know Christmas is over, but still I love this song:

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

disappearances, disappointments.

I've been pretty caught up with training, work, school, and my health recently. Finally the flu is gone, hopefully no bronchitis, but the cough stays still.

On another note, I've been pretty disappointed at myself, doing things I shouldn't be doing, and knowing that such incidents would have repercussions.

How am I feeling? Lousy, plus a bit of hurt.

I wish I could have been more in control, to have prevented certain things from happening.

Now, I guess I can only weep and wallow in self pity.

changes...

I was having a chat with a long time friend, someone whom I haven't really spoken to, not because we are busy, but rather because a part of me didn't want to.

We've changed. But you changed so much faster than I can keep up. I lost hold, and perhaps that's why we're not the close friends we once were. I still remember the times when you, Aloy and I had fun running the student group. The time where you were a caring boyfriend to my best friend.

I'm not a perfect person either, but I try not to hurt people I love. It is not for me to judge if you've tried your best, but our friendship faltered.

Where are you? Where had you been? I really missed the funny and witty you, the one where you were less distant. Where did you go?

Halfway during our chat, you disappeared, like you always do.

I wish I still know you.

I hate having to think about titles.

I haven't clubbed in a long long time, and now I feel like doing it every week. Hahaha...

It's my first time at Club Momo, though I've walked past it several times and never went in cos either the crowd was HUGE or my friends refused to step in. Despite less than favourable reviews about the club, I enjoyed myself pretty much! Think might go there again the following week, IF I can afford it. My Indian friends are really HOT dancers, they can dance as if they do nothing but dance! They never seemed to need any time-out from dancing. Had a great time though, but during the night I was pretty pissed with guys who just brushed past and SMACKED my fat butt. I got pinched too, dammit.

Still it was a great night, and I still have to say my Indian friends are super HOT.

-----

On another note, I had a chat with the ex just a couple of days back online. What struck me weird was that when I was chatting with him, I just didn't feel the way I felt in a couple of posts back. Maybe I just miss the feeling of having someone to ... er.... love? But the conversation, albeit just a normal one, made me realise I don't love him the way I did anymore. Well, at least now I know that the once-in-a-while-but-recently-quite-often feelings didn't mean much.

That said, I still miss being part of a couple. It's great to have some intense relationship, where you fall crazily in love and forget about the rest of the world, do crazy things and not bother about what others say; throw caution to the wind and immerse yourself in love.... but the process where you have to get to know someone all over again, to understand that person well, it's pretty tiring.

I ever contemplated having a "part-time" boyfriend, but was worried that I might develop real feelings for the guy. Then again, it's good to have someone around. I kinda miss the physical part of being a couple: the caressing, the kisses, the hugs, etc.

MK said I'm turning guys off with my aloof look. But I don't have any aloof look! Damn it then, I'm doomed to stay single forever. Whatever.


::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
later i fall in love how?
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
u wun
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
cos u dun even allow urself to
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
i dont allow cos i'm afraid i will.
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
hahaha
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
its forbidden garden for u all over again

Gigi said forbidden garden. Hahaha, I like that.

Tired. Fatigue seeps into my...pores.

Everyday, I wonder what I did in the day which makes me feel lethargic, and drained at the end of the day.

I am tired. Really tired.

I am tired of having to smile when I don't feel like it. I am tired of having to try and be happy when I know deep down inside I am not. I am tired of having to psych myself into detaching my emotions every single morning when I wake up. Yet I am tired of having to hold all this baggage when I know I should have let it go long ago.

I don't know how to let it go, because I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to let it go, because I just don't know how to.

MK and LN came over today and we had a chat over food and wine. I got a little intoxicated, and kinda said more than I should have. But it was good. The wine was great. I wish I could be able to drink like this, without restrictions, without worries.

I hate having to put on that mask in the morning, try to act all bubbly and lively when I am not. I wonder if people can tell through my façade, if they could see through me.

A message sent to him received no reply on MSN. Yet his nick changes, a sure sign that he is at the computer. Why did I do that then? I have no idea.

Might be the wine. Must be the wine.

So far... So good...

Charcoal has upgraded his status to the master. He doesn't respond to his name now, except when we call him "Mr Tan", or "Mr Charcoal". Apparently, he's feeling all royalty. While I was bathing him just now, he was busy shaking himself dry and getting water all over me. I guess it's my punishment for not bringing him out today because the weather was not that great.

Training started on Wednesday, and it's been swell so far. My batchmates are a really cool bunch of guys and gals, so I'm looking forward to fun, fun and more fun! Well, at least apart from the studying and exams I'll be expecting too. Sadly, I've been "made fun" of my glutton-ness (is there such a word?) gluttony as I always think of food as someone else is speaking. That's me, no less.

To boot, I've finished 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. And a weight check on Monday. How. Nice.

I was chatting with JJ online as I was gorging myself with the ice cream, and we touched on the topic of relationships. I guess somehow, I would still want to be loved, and to love, someday, but not right now. That part of me had been shut off since a couple of months ago, and I don't think I'm willing to open it up again.

Thing is, by closing that part, I felt as if I were... emotionless. Void of feelings, I am. I could detach myself from all emotions, all thoughts, all feelings, and that made me feel so... cold. I have no idea whether I am happy but I can laugh and joke as if I were. I have no idea whether I am angry, but I can still smile as if I weren't.

I wish I were myself again, the once-emotional me that I was. At least I felt human.

Now....

I don't even know who I am. Or, if I actually want to know.


Where have the happier times gone to?

Edit: Sam told me it's gluttony, not glutton-ness. Dumb me. I forgot. heh heh.

A new chapter awaits...

This morning I went for my last français class. Au revoir mes amis, jusqu'à ce que nous nous revoyions! I know I'm going to miss them somehow, no quirky French teacher to poke fun at me, the 2 friends I've known, and the Nutella breadstick that I always try to avoid eating but fail... And hoping my French won't go down the drain. I'm going to miss Pascal, he's the cutest and most humourous teacher I've ever had. Sigh. Where to find another teacher like him?

Met up with Regina last evening for dinner at Marina Square. We sat at Swenson's for quite a while after dinner and wondered if we should eat ice-cream. It was a good thing we didn't... we found Ben & Jerry's at Suntec! I was ecstatic and hysterical and almost bought the whole shop for my sinful indulgence... Oh, you should try this flavor... Dublin-something. Can't remember the whole name though. A glutton doesn't remember the names of food; a gourmet does. So there goes my diet down the drain once again.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new chapter in my life and i really don't know how i should feel about it. Friends have been asking if I'm excited about the training, but all I feel is uncertainty. Just hoping that everything turns out alright.

À bientôt!

My last day in Alliance Française de Singapour

Goodbye to food, glorious food....

I sold my freedom on Thursday.

Aunt and I went down to STC in the afternoon to sign the contract, and I saw a few batchmates, I think. Apparently there would be guys, so hopefully the class is more lively. So there goes my freedom. It's almost like our guys serving NS, I mused to a friend recently. The 4-month training is likened to the men's 3-month BMT (basic military training), the graduation equivalent to their POP (Passing out parade), my 6-month probation is, perhaps, their stint with OCS, SISPEC, or wherever, and probation ends with a commissioning parade!!

Yes, I'm too freaked out by the bond.

The uniform is another scary thought. I went down on Friday morning with Mum for my uniform fitting, and... I almost died in the shop. Firstly, my waist was 25.5 inches. I never had that kind of waist before, I always measured it as 27 inches and though usually I would be happy at that loss of inches around my flabby waist, yesterday was exceptional. The uniform had to be like a second skin, and during the fitting I had difficulty breathing. I think I was complaining too much about the lack of air until the seamstress agreed to add on 1 inch to the measurement around my chest area.

Goodbye lovely food. Goodbye.

Joey held her wedding dinner last night, after being married for about 2 years already. I was given the honour of helping her at the reception with the seating arrangements for Kenneth's family and guests. The other 2 ladies who did the reception arrangements with me were dressed in black too. She looked absolutely gorgeous last night, and because Kenneth is from the Air Force, he had his brothers in uniform to grace the event. Food was good, better than a lot of other places that I've been to, and the whole event was pretty heartwarming.

Oh, and because I had to rush from the uniform place to my hairstylist's place, then to the hotel, I changed in the car while I was driving, because I was late and freaking stuck in a jam.

Talented huh.

I did my makeup too.

I'm babbling away. I need to get clothes for my training, and some shoes. Sigh.

It's a lot of expenditure before I even start the job proper.

Argh.

I just want to get it over and done with.


Looking lethargic after reaching home.

It's funny how...

Funny how yesterday I allowed myself to think about him after a long while, while clearing up stuffs in my computer.

Funny how I was talking to Gigi about him, and what happened in the past.

Funny how on my way home, after the sinful indulgence, I suddenly had this thought that he would contact me.

Funny how he really did contact me after our last contact 2 months back.

Funny how I felt weird upon reading his sms-es.

Funny how our conversation was conducted over sms-es.

Funny how I still want to care for him despite all that has happened.

Funny how I want to hope that he still loves me.

Funny how I know that he doesn't anymore now that he has someone new.

Funny how he confided a little in me about his problems.

Funny how I thought about the past while chatting with him over sms.

Funny how I was reminded by the hurt he inflicted on me.

Funny how I went to bed with thoughts in my mind.

Funny how I know that he wouldn't remember ever chatting with me.

Funny how I still have a soft spot for him.

Funny how I know I shouldn't.

Reasons why my diets always fail #2

I love chocolates.

----------

Met up with Amy and Huiling for a chocolate buffet at The Fullerton. I had to hold myself back from the buffet table, the fondue fountain.

Damn it.

Chocolates are sinful. I ONLY had one slice of rich chocolate tart, and a slice of chocolate cake, and one cheesecake and one tiny scoop of bread pudding. I could have eaten more, if not for the fact that I need to watch my weight.

Damn.

The girls and I gossiped about work, ex-colleagues and our 'plans' for the near-future. I couldn't see what goes beyond 2 years, and somehow I don't intend to think too much abt the future now.

Am I excited about the new change in my life? I have no idea. At all.

Damn.

Chocolates give me a high, and now I can't get to sleep.

I shall diet tomorrow. At least I will try to.

Random ramblings...

I've finally gotten my contract from SIA. From Thursday onwards, my freedom will be sold to SIA for 2 years. The road from now on seems a little fuzzy, and unclear.

Since young, I've never thought I would be an air stewardess, because I was fat as a child, and I had other plans.

Perhaps now, that I'm feeling a little more jaded than I should at my age, my thoughts have changed. I've always wanted to be a career woman, to work really hard and climb the ladder, then I realised, life is just too short. Call me lazy but it really seems hard to be able to work up the ladder and then provide my family with a comfortable life.

And perhaps, it's also got to do with the fact that I'm single now, my priorities have changed. I preferred a ground job as it would allow me to be able to get married earlier, start my family earlier but ever since things happened, getting married is not my priority anymore.

Then comes all the stories about bombings, natural disasters, and I realised life is just that short. I don't want to slog all my life and then realise I don't have time to savour the fruits that I reaped. I might as well enjoy the present, provide for my family now as much as possible, and then live life a day as it comes.

I still don't know what I feel towards this job, given it being stereotyped as a brainless career, but mum and grandma seemed very happy that I got it, so I guess I should be happy. No doubt the money's good, plus I get to travel, but I really don't know what it would bring me in terms of satisfaction.

*edit: I forgot to add that Gigi is very happy for me too, so I should be happy as well.
-------------

To "celebrate" my new life, I decided to clear out some documents in my computer. I finally opened the folder which I had put off looking at after so long. I read the letters and chat logs we sent to each other once, before we were together, during the time we were together, and after. I had to fight back the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the tears, but it wasn't that difficult after all.

I pondered as I hovered the mouse over the Recycle bin on my desktop. For a while, I wondered if I would regret deleting the memories from my computer. I paused, I hesitated. Then I cleared the bin. Memories will be kept in my heart and mind. Maybe one day I will forget abt them, maybe one day I will replay everything in my mind. But for right now, I don't want to think about it.

It was good while it lasted, at least I loved him in the best way I could have.

-------------

I found this poem while I was clearing through the trash on my computer.
Pretty sums up what I am feeling now I guess.

"You were always so perfect to me,
so soft and gentle,
cherishing you instantly,
without a second glance,
I never distrusted those eyes,
that lied to me continuously,
I promised you I'd always try,
but slowly you were losing me.

I would always have given you anything,
just to keep your interest,
stopping my heart from remembering,
all the pain you caused,
I never pulled away from that kiss,
that held a painful hint of truth,
Maybe you'd be too hard to miss,
so I said I was still in love with you.

I wanted more than just the infatuation,
that you found in me.
You said love was only a distraction,
that you really didn't need,
so I cried myself to sleep,
knowing the times we shared must end.
You couldn't let emotion run deep,
you said you made love to me, as a friend.

But eventually, my love,
friendships fade, too,
and I can't make love and walk away,
pretending I don't love you.
Never once did I push you away,
but everything comes to end,
so all that's left to say,
is goodbye,

I loved loving you, my friend."
- Amber White

-------------

Maybe Charcoal is actually a skunk in disguise. His farts are totally potent, and can kill ants from afar.



Told you he's a skunk in disguise.

mantra.... mantra...

I shall not eat... I shall not eat... I shall not eat...

Mum is cooking in the kitchen NOW, and I'm feeling absolutely greedy for food.

No no no no no. For the past 2 weeks, I have put on 3 kgs. So it's time to lose weight. No more bread *sob sob* No more pasta *more sobs*. I am a carbo-lover, and to not be able to eat carbo, it's HELL!!!

Argh! But I will be starting work in an industry where brawns matter more. It's time to look after my looks (wahahaha) before I look out of shape.

I'm still waiting for that mail.

Damn.

-------

Damn, I am such a glutton. I eat and eat and eat and my mum has been nagging at me to stop eating that much.

Must be the pre-menstrual cravings.

ARGH!

Dinner with the guys..

Been a long time since I met up with the guys. So Yan, QQ, Ah Fat, Sam and I decided to meet up at the newly revamped Marina Square this evening for dinner. Oh mon Dieu, the whole place was soooooooo huge I almost got lost.

Then it was a 15-minute search for a free table at the foodcourt. Although there are so many food outlets there, all of them were fully packed. We learnt about larvae growing in pails, courtesy of Yan and QQ. We talked about what I might be expecting in the upcoming months to come, about why I had to watch my weight, about what their plans are...

And we fed cats.

There are always a lot of cats around Ritz, and I remember feeding one family of cats about 3 years back with my subway sandwich. With Giant supermarket just nearby, QQ and I went to grab a tin of cat food and fed it to the cats. Yeah, I doubt we should be doing that, but the cats were really quite pitiful, walking around looking for food.

Ah well, I'm now in the waiting phase again. Now the mailbox. Though the answer and my decision is pretty confirmed, I am still pretty skeptical about what might happen before I sign the confirmation.