::frankfurters and frankfurt::

Ok... Now I'm in the crew lounge waiting to go for some kind of drinking session. Frankfurt's nice, but a tad boring for me. Probably cos I am down with flu and so confined myself in my room when the girls went out clubbing.

Ah well. Hope the flu gets well. I don't like it that my voice sounds nasal and my sentences are punctuated with coughs.

Heard some lovely news from Qian and am glad things are going her way for once. Come home quick come home quick!

Watched 'Take the Lead' last night in the confines of my room, and ended up feeling really upset not cos of the show, but of my desire to go back to dance. I so love doing the tango... it's like.. sex on the dance floor. The man leads, the woman follows, as in all dances. But the display of fiery love and passion... the response to a man's lead... that intense grasp of the body, that sharp turn as the man twirls the lady.. that heightened feeling of feeling wanted... sigh. Can someone get an orgasm on the dance floor?

I so desperately want to go back to dancing. And I know I should do something about it instead of whining and all, but the only way I see is to hire private coaching, and that needs a lot of moolah. Sigh.

*****

Much as I don't want to ever get hurt again, I still yearn to fall in love madly, like throw myself off a cliff and not bother about where I land. I crave for a kind of love where there isn't any expiry date set, something which I don't even think about the end yet or at all, if I can afford it.

But I know that I don't have the luxury of such relationships, and my reason for being there and then not is because I want to.. be able to leave easily when it ends. Like.. just stand up and go. They always say, the person who cares less in a relationship is the more powerful one.. isn't it so true? But to limit myself from feeling, from caring like I always do, it's almost as if I am stopping myself from being me. Yet if I want to be me, will I be putting pressure on someone else, will I be smothering him with me?

Sigh. I don't even know what I'm babbling about and I'm not even drunk yet.

lazy saturday afternoon...

Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.

So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.

But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.

*****

So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.

Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?

Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.

And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.

Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...

HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.

*****

I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.

*****

Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.

Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.

*****

The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt

a foggy day... in london town....

Back from London! Finally a different pattern from the ones I always seem to get. I had a great time there, sitting on the grass in the parks, eating sandwiches, salads, fish and chips.. just lazing around. I brought my blades there as well, and did a 15 min blading session before I decided to stop. I was afraid of landing on my bum and having everyone laugh at me.

So I took a long stroll from Hyde Park all the way to Kensington, basking in the warm sunlight and the cool breeze. Had this weirdo follow me on a bike and then circling around me, until I gave him the "OH FUCK OFF" face and then he scooted off.

I am happy. Like blissfully happy, even though it's temporary.

I don't know what or how I should be feeling... but well... live for the moment.

Gonna take a nap.

Yawnz.

oopsy daisy...

After some confusion, Qian and I realised we are never going to meet up in London after all. Guess we were too excited and got the dates wrong. Sigh.

Met the PT-bf for lunch, and a little shopping spree today. Are you really happy? mean... you seem to be and yet not. he asked over lunch. I shrugged. Haha, probably it's this "mysterious" side of you, that makes people want to know you and protect you more. Probably I'm not entitled to thinking too much about what I'm in? I offered an answer in vain.

I guess I choose not to think about certain things.. so that at least I might be happier for that short while.

Till it sizzles out I guess.

Oh, and I bought my blades! Yes, I know I shouldn't indulge... but I haven't bought any major purchases for myself for a while! ...i think. Lugging the pair to London so I can blade in Kensington Park.

Looking back, I really haven't been thinking much about things. Running away? Probably so. It's easier to handle when you don't have to face up to it. Am I a coward? I don't think so... I run away because I have no right to feel anything anymore. If only I could gather the strength to move on, to move ahead, to move out... I might probably be happier, but then again not.

So many unknowns out there for me to uncover.

Oh oh~ And my cable TV died on me. It gave out a POP sound when I switched it on and is in RIP mode. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Hands are shaky, palms sweaty, heart palpitating. I... need.... HBO.. NatGeo... Travel & Living... hellppppp....

*yawn*

Bread pudding! Yesterday was a rushed affair for me. Had to do some grocery shopping last minute, and come home to prepare dinner for family. So decided to make bread pudding as dessert with the leftover bread. I love the sweet sauce I made the last time round, but it was only enough for 2 servings of the pudding. Then it was the chicken wraps which mum loves, and I was out again.

Red wine helps me sleep well. Should I indulge in a couple of glasses every night?

I'm kinda back into the "oh-i-so-wanna-cook-or-bake" phase. Been missing cooking and all. Macaroni and cheese today. The guys loved it. Probably when i come back from London I should get my ass down to cooking more for the family.

*****

Dubai was hot. Hot. Had the luxury of being a passenger on the way up, but I slept halfway through Nacho Libre cos I was just too tired. Refused both meals and reached the hotel feeling famished.

Sometimes I really wonder what it is with men. My ass got touched at the airport, and I was followed by 2 men from inside the hypermarket, all the way back to the hotel. Was a good thing I bumped into some of the crew on the way back.

And then back in Singapore... I HATE IT whenever I'm in the car waiting for the lights to turn green and men in the next car/van/truck/whatever stare in. Or when I am walking down an aisle, some backalley and they stare. Or when I am walking down the road and guys horn, slow down, whatever. I have a good mind to show them my long middle finger. bastards. One day... ONE DAY i will throw my shoes at them.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

*****

I am supposed to go do some shopping today... but... since 11am I've been stuck in bed and surfing the net.

OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK time to go.

i should....

... be sleeping now but still I can't seem to doze off.

Feeling rather lethargic throughout the day, but yet didn't feel like sleeping. Now my eyelids are heavy, yet when I close my eyes I just feel restless.

This is so not helping my health and all.

Been feeling rather happy lately, but wonder how long this "temporary" happiness will last.

*****

My 'part-time boyfriend' is finally back from the States after 1.5 years of studying.

I like how you look when you're dressed down. I like it that you seem to be 2 different persons, yet with the same personality. he said, when I met him earlier in the day. I asked why. You look like the simple, sweet girl, the chummy gal pal, the guys' buddy whenever you're dressed down, and the sexy, attractive lady whenever you're dressed up to the nines. Aiyah. The same old you lah.

Thanks dear. It's good to hear from someone that I'm still the same old me.

*****

Oh no Oh no Oh no.

Need to wake up at...7 am? and it's already... 4.30am!

Shucks.

Sleep. sleep sleep sleep.

I shall count sheep. Or think of bubble words.

kisses.

I love kissing.



I love kisses. Stolen kisses, shared kisses, passionate kisses, surprise kisses. Kisses on the cheek, kisses on the forehead, kisses on the lips, kisses at the neck.






I love welcome kisses, goodbye kisses. I love kisses at the door, kisses behind doors, kisses in the car, kisses in the lift, kisses in the bed, kisses in the shower. Kisses with eyes closed, kisses with longing looks, kisses with cheeky faces.





I love long kisses, short pecks, happy kisses, teary kisses. Holding hands while kissing, hugging tightly while kissing, laughing madly while kissing, crying sadly while kissing. Drunken kisses, sober kisses. Joyful kisses, sorrowful kisses.






Give me a kisse, and to that kisse a score;
Then to that twenty, adde a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred; so kisse on,
To make that thousand up a million;
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kisse afresh, as when we first begun.
~ Robert Herrick

last minute ramblings...

Another 15 minutes or so before I head out for work.

Flight on Thursday was... amusing. Didn't know men could be THAT shy. But it was a very surprising coincidence to meet him on board.

Met up with the teamies for a 'wild' BBQ gathering and lots of drinking, with someone ending up being thrown into the pool amidst wild cheers.

Then it was back to the apartment for more drinking, and more drinking and more drinking. I managed to reach home safely with that amount of alcohol in my blood, with a friend on the phone and singing together (he on the phone) at the top of our lungs along ECP.

Crashed for a couple of hours before I headed out to meet Qian in the morning, where good news was 'conceived' and then to Hog's Breath @ Chjimes for lunch... And we wonder how one year flew past so fast. Where did that one year go to?

We mused about the men, rather the lack of, in our lives, and how we are usually hung up about men we can't get. Does this make life interesting? No one knows. But I guess we don't deal well with a life that is smooth sailing all the way. The ups and downs (I mean REALLY REALLY DOWN) make life interesting, no?

Haven't slept since the nap in the afternoon, should have gone Womad with the lady, or drinking with Jacob. Damn. So it was a last minute decision with Joe for supper at Orchard and then home to prepare for flight. Kinda looking forward to Tuesday, where I will be away from home for a longer time. Flights these 2 weeks are rather lousy. I need to be away.

Hookay. Time to hit the road.

UrgH!

I really don't understand why some men appear to be more interested in some kind of a pursuit after they know what line I'm in. Which explains why I never really liked telling people where I am working now.

Shallow hallow.

*****

On another note... I'm never your number one choice.

dejected.

Sentosa!

Taa daaaaaaa!

I'm a teeeeeny weeeeeeeeny bit tanned, and I like it! Just that my chest area and back area are.. itchy because of the burn. heh heh.


I forgot to bring a big towel for the beach. So I put out the small towel and Gigi mocked at my stupidity. After which, I couldn't take it and went to the tourist shop and got a blardi overpriced PINK bubble mat. But it's cooling and nice so I don't mind. And it shakes sand off easier than with a towel.


Saw this really adorable kid who he kept smiling at me, but turned the other way whenever I put up my camera to take a picture of him. Well, helps that the father is rather cute. Little boy is called Phoenix. He smiled shyly, then giggled, then laughed, then I took my camera and he turned the other way. bleah. I like it when kids are obedient and polite and shy.


While waiting for Gigi, I saw this man playing with his daughters, and then one of them hugged his leg, demanding to be carried. Then the other, not wanting to be left out, tugged at his berms, and he bent down to carry her as well. I want to find a man who's sweet enough to spend time with the family, to take care of the children, and be strong enough to lift them both. hur hur hur. What am I thinking about?!



Okie, so I don't exactly have a good figure, but well, Gigi is very well endowed so I hope that makes up for my lack of ... you know what.

K i'm pretty shagged still from this morning. Gotta go crash a little.

xoxo,
jenn

::sentosa::

Headed down to Sentosa with the boobalicious Gigi today, and had a bit of time to think things through. And being the forgetful me, I applied sunblock generously everywhere... except on my chest area. And. I am burnt.

Well, what can I really say or do? :)

More pictures when... GIGI SENDS THEM TO ME!

*ROOOOOOOOOARRRRRR*

::another story::

An unexpected phone call came in the wee hours of the morning, and somehow that call made me really happy even though I was woken up. :)

*****

So I went on flight, and the Boss remembered me.

"Eh you look familiar. OH! You are the silly girl I flew with to Seoul!"

Why am I always the "silly" one?

*****



Attended Common.Voices' 2nd performance last evening, and I only managed to hit the second half with 4 songs to go. I guess CV's concert is the only valid reason for all of us (including people who always fly aeroplane) to meet up. I guess it's not easy to maintain any kind of relationships, friendship included, and to be friends for... say... almost 12 years since secondary school... it's really something, eh?



Then again, some of us, even when we've been missing from one another's lives, can still hit off like old pals. It's amazing how some of us have changed, and even more amazing how some people don't change at all! Honestly, I miss being in secondary school, the dozing off in Bio lessons, Chilli and I scribbling songs on MY TABLE, hiding textbooks in the most creative way possible, running up and down to borrow textbooks... the memories are still vivid in my mind.

Then we talk about friends getting married. Marriage seemed a faraway thing in the past, but now, everyone is getting hitched. Even those whom we never thought would settle down have already settled down.



So we are the primary school mates. I guess we only knew one another in Primary 3 or 4, so that made us.... friends for almost 15 years! Then Ivy wanted to take a picture of her "Shuqun-ers" but I refused to let her use my camera. ANYWAY there are only 4 of you. I can be such a bitch. Hur hur hur.



We adjourned to my place after supper, a last minute decision which forced us to head back to Holland Village to get some wine and cheese JUST BECAUSE the lady driver (Ivy, not me) said so. And the normal thing: fussing over Charcoal when we reached. Wine, Ivy's question about my books (honestly, there are some books which I haven't even flipped open) and my lousy attempts at taking photos with the timer function. WHAT! How would I know that after each shot I have to reset the function!

A long day, a long night, but nothing beats the long friendship we all have.

Love you guys. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

One thing you should know about me (part 1)

... is never ask me questions before bedtime. Mind boggling questions like "Do lemons grow on trees?" "Why is a spaceship called a ship?"

At least I found an answer to the first question.

And questions I can't find the answers to leave me sleepless for nights on end. And then I'll get irritated.

*ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRR!*

Zzzzz...

Was given 2 extra days off, and was back at the airport to submit my MC yesterday.

The lady at the counter was rather nice and sympathetic, and said, "Where was the nice guy who accompanied you yesterday? How come you're alone today? Must ask your boyfriend to accompany you." I smiled and said he wasn't my boyfriend, but just a friend... and she said "Oh he was so concerned I thought he was with you. Anyway it's good to have someone in your life."

I smiled awkwardly and wondered if our staff had been tasked to do matchmaking at the side.

The wound seems like it is healing well, and I hope it will be ok by Thursday.

On another note, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I'M HEADING BACK TO PAKISTAN next montH! ... WHY?! Not that I don't like the place, but... WHY DO I HAVE IT so often!

*****

I don't have exclusive rights to anything.

:(

ouch. ouch ouch ouch.

Yeap.

I now have a characteristic mark above my right eyebrow. I am DISFIGURED. *sob*

Luckily the team boy said he'll marry me. Otherwise I will be left on the shelf. Got into a mini accident on board due to some unexpected circumstances and well, sigh. I became a victim of the blardi stainless steel tray.

All because I wanted to help my soon-to-be hubby keep the kueh lapis.

So now I am on MC, and have to forgo my long-awaited flight to Frankfurt. And to make me happy, the soon-to-be hubby said he will buy stuffs on my behalf.

hur hur hur.

I got activated for Auckland tomorrow, but honestly, I still feel a little woozy. Might wanna go see the doc again for another opinion.

SIGH.

I'm broke for this month.

where'd you go?

An sms came in earlier today, after my meeting with him. It hurts to know you're seeing someone else. I love you, and have loved you since forever. But I know it will hurt you more if we are together again. I love you.

I stopped in the middle of Orchard Rd and sobbed.

I love you too.

*****

Why do I throw caution to the wind, wear my heart on my sleeve, knowing that in the end it'll lead to nowhere but hurt?

Why do I feel this way, when I don't have the right to?

Yet I can't bear to let go. What am I holding on to? A tiny little sliver of hope?

I laugh at my silliness.

*****

I promise. If after work tomorrow the pain doesn't go, I will visit a specialist.

*****

Will you still love me in the morning?

Forever and ever, babe.

xoxo,
jenn

13...

...is not such a bad number after all.

13 is when Qian will be back home.
13 is when Yan will be back home.
13 is when QQ will be back home.

Happy.

*click!*

And yes, I am still alive. Survived the flight back as well, though the pain is CONSTANTLY there. WTF is wrong with my tummy?

I can survive pretty well alone, but it does feel good when there are men around to protect you. The simplest thing can really touch me, make me go (in Jacob's words) warm and fuzzy inside. Though I think most men behave that way, but it really feels good when they get protective and want to take care of you. So I felt warm and fuzzy inside on my way home from the airport. It feels nice. :)

Then it was a last minute decision for dinner, and off to movies with D and my buddY! Had to force, threaten, and bribe her into going down town. (Goodness gracious, I really didn't know that Cineleisure has converted their 9th level into gaming and movies as well!) So we watched 'Click!' and the movie evoked much thoughts in me. I was thinking and feeling rather melancholy and sad throughout the movie, and near the end I was sobbing. I can't remember which part about the movie started me crying, the part where he realised his father died or the part where he replayed the last time he saw his dad, or the part he ran out in the rain just to tell his son that family is more important... But as I was watching the part about the daddy, I thought about him and how he would have felt during the movie.

So I sobbed. And when the anti-climax came about, I sobbed harder. Both of them turned around to stare at me. WHAT! I was crying with relief CAN!?

Me thinks this is how life works. In the process of getting to somewhere, we often miss out on a lot of things in life. Just that day I was talking to someone, and he told me how he regretted not being around when his baby took his first steps, and how, in his quest for a better life, he missed the growing-up "KODAK" moments of his baby. And how much he would have given up just to relive that moment.

Many times I wished I could go back to a certain time in life, or to pause (momentarily) a moment that I know I would cherish. And it's odd, cos when I was young, I yearned so much to just fast-forward my life to the point when I start earning my own keep, being an adult... and now that I'm one, I wish I can slow down the speed that my life is flying past at. Or better, to go back to being young again.

Oddly speaking, Le Grand Voyage hovers around a similar meaning in life for me. But the movie was about how a man got to know and understand his father when he drove his dad to Mecca, over 3000 miles from the south of France. How his father tried to show him the realities of life, and its functions. A very thought provoking movie which I wouldn't mind watching over and over again.

Couple of nights back I was chatting with D online and asked him if I give out those "come-take-care-of-me" vibes. Then he said that I have that look where people just want to keep me in their pockets, protect me from the world. And... the ex said that before, the exact same words. Ah well.

And...

::jenn:: le grand voyage says:
do i have a "come take care of me" look?
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
nope
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
u have a come fuck me look

Thanks Gigi.

g'day mate!

*brrr*

Ok so I survived the 6 hr flight to Adelaide. And crashed once I reached the room.

Adelaide is nice, too bad the stay isn't long and I didn't really feel like going out. Thought I could make a trip down to Le Cordon Bleu Adelaide but the soul is willing the flesh is weak. Or should it be the other way?

Anyway... I'm high on medication. This is the first time I'm so hooked onto the doctor's words: No spicy food, no oily food, no alcohol, medicine before food, medicine after food, medicine on empty stomach... etc. I'm suffering from withdrawal already! Why is it that whenever I'm sick, my craving for junk food like McDonald's or KFC or even potato chips increases by the minute?

Even red wine! I can practically taste the wine in my mouth!

I'm going crazy.

*****

It's cold here, even with the aircon shut off... and I feel a little silly wearing socks with my shorts. Pink socks.

*****

Okie! Time for my "Le Grand Voyage" before I hit the bed.

Happy National Day.

Au revoir!
jenn

should i or should i not?

I wonder if I should take MC or not.

Feeling lighter (emotionally & physically) after my haircut. At least now someone notices it when I cut my hair. Caught a whiff of a familiar scent as I was walking down Orchard Rd and turned around, only to see J standing behind me.

Me: I smelt you!
J: Me TOO! But I was first, cos I turned around first.

Childish boy. Haha... I haven't met him since 2 years back, and he still makes me go weak in the knees and blush like a young schoolgirl. So we went for a short coffee session and he had to rush off to a meeting which, in his words, costs an arm and a leg to set up. A hug later, he was lost in the crowd. *sob*

How we have all grown.

Ok, gonna hit the bed before my flight to Adelaide tonight. Will be home on Thursday evening, then off till Sunday.

Meet up, anyone?

*muack*

argh..

Ok, so I managed to settle the video problem I had. Anyway, fever has subsided yet the pain is still there. Sigh. I hope I can bear with the pain for ... 6 hours?

It's been a while since I had a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. No dreams, no nightmares... and I welcome the rest!

Due for a haircut.. my hair's so long it's getting difficult to style for work.

*****

Attended Chloe's first month baby shower couple of months back, and because my monitor failed on me, couldn't post the pictures!



Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own.

*****

I'm off for a haircut! More pictures of Moscow when I come back.

xoxo
jenn

ouch!

Got back from the hospital not too long ago and am now painting my nails!

Ooooh, I finally got my new monitor! Though I adore my iBook, but editing word documents on that tiny little screen ain't a fun thing to do.

Oookay. So this morning I went Mustafa Centre to do some early morning/ late night shopping with D, and we went to have some breakfast. Silly me forgot my tummy wasn't really awake enough for cold "teh-ping" and I finished the whole cup with gusto, despite it being a tad too sweet. Came home with diarrhea and then the nightmare started. Cowering with the sudden shot of pain every 5 minutes wasn't a fun thing to do. Started feeling really sick, and the pain didn't go even after a scrumptious lunch at KFC. So it went on, and on, and on, and then at night I couldn't take it and started crying while driving because of the pain.

And the doctor said that if my fever and pain don't subside by tomorrow, I have to admit myself into hospital for suspected stomach ulcers.

No alcohol, no smokies.

How can it be THAT serious?!

DAMN.

It still hurts. Hope I don't have to report sick tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

HOokay. My red red nails are almost dry. Time for bed. I am a good girl today. Early to bed.

painfully yours,
jenn

colourful shanghai...

HeylO! I'm back from Shanghai!

You know how.. sometimes you feel that you did a great job at work, and at times you really feel lousy about yourself? This is one of the few times that I felt I could have done so much better. And these few flights I've been feeling really under the weather.

Ah well.

Met up with Qian, who happened to be there as well. Called me when she woke up, and this was how our conversation went:

Q: Sheraton Tai Ping Yang right?
me: Yeah... you taking cab down?
Q: Yeap, what's your room number?
me: 618... i'll meet you at the reception.
Q: *silence*
me: hmm?
Q: dear, you know my room number is 618 too?

So she took the cab, a good 40 min ride all the way from Pudong to Puxi, where I was resided. Then it was a "I'm-hungry-and-I-need-food" shopping at the plaza opposite the hotel, and we bummed in my room over Choya, red wine, sushi and junk food.

So my plan to lose weight has been pushed back yet another day. And I foresee another day, and another day and another day...

Then we headed out after hours of bumming in the room, and then we forced ourselves to go out for a walk. Hopped onto a cab and got ourselves to Xin Tian Di, a really nice place to chill, food and all. Wished we could stay longer, but she commented I couldn't keep my eyes open and we left for home.



I know the photos suck, but that's the best my handphone could handle cos our sweet little lass Qian drained her camera out of batt by taking narcissistic photos of herself.

*hur hur hur*

In a kissy mood today.

MUACK~!

xoxo
jenn

someone from the familiar past...

"You haven't changed, Jenn."

"hmmm? Older, perhaps?"

"You're still you, your looks and everything... the vibes you give out. The crazy wild you. Still the same as before, when I fell in love with you years back."

"Ya right. I'm older, and probably jaded. Fatter perhaps."

"Would you consider me then, if you weren't with him?"

"Hmmm, I wouldn't know. Anything could happen, couldn't it?"

"Would you consider me now, that you aren't with anyone?"

"I don't know. Anything can happen."

*****

Bittersweet love.

*****

I love reading National Geographic. I love the pictures within and sometimes I wonder how photographers capture the hurt and the pain in someone's eyes. It fascinates me.

*****

Off to Shanghai tonight, then back on Sunday afternoon. Can't wait to meet up with Qian there, and probably off to drinks and music.

夜上海。

xoxo,
jenn

::replacement::

I'm always the replacement people, the space filler. The one who people go to when they need to fill time in between slots. But we all are guilty of finding people to fill in the spaces in our lives one time or another.

Just probably it's happened to me more than "one time or another".

The number of times I've been prepositioned propositioned by men who are married or attached are so many times more than nice and simple single men it's not funny and I'm starting to wonder if I just give out that kind of vibes.

Hur hur. Doomed for a life of being second-best.

Hokie. So I'm now a little nearer to removing that BIG "P" sign next to my name, and starting to wonder what I'm going to do with my life. Oh yes, it's still toooo early to say, but then, no harm planning way way ahead right?

Laugh all you want. I know I'm never a planner, but I can still try planning for that wee-little bit of free time I have ok!

I am planning to go back to dancing. I've done ballroom cha-cha, waltz, tango, salsa... a little of exotic dance... And now I'm thinking of doing pole dancing. Anyone wants to go with me? Ever since Paul won the scholarship to US to learn dancing full-time, I've been wondering if I should have pursued my interests in music and the arts. I ran my fingers on the ivories today, and despite not having practiced on the piano for so long, it's good to hear that I still play pretty much a-ok.

There're so many things I want to do!

frustrated,
jenn

*edit: propositioned...not prepositioned. heh.*

Kiss - Because I'm a girl...

One of the songs which can make me cry like a dam let loose.

First saw the MTV when it first came out, and even though I didn't know what the lyrics meant, the MTV was enough to touch me. I found this MTV with the English subtitles... and now it made me cry even more knowing what the lyrics meant.

One line though, was extremely funny. "Although I will curse you I will miss you." hur hur. Case of translation gone .. wrong.

Still...

I wonder how it feels like to see through the eyes of the person you love. Would the world still look the same? Or would the world look brighter in your eyes?

I wonder.

kiss.

Japan overdose...

Back-to-back Japan flights are not good on the wallet and figure. I just OD-ed on 100 yen shopping, Japanese snacks, food, and I've had enough of the TV channels there.

Glad to be home somehow. Yet not.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm off to Ikoi. DAMN. More Japanese food.

I so love love love soba noodles. I'm addicted.

*****

Did some really crazy shopping in Narita with the teamies, then I dragged them to the temple with me. We bummed around for a while, and though there was nothing much to do, we drove ourselves crazy by dragging one another out of the 100 yen shops.

I'm happy for nice teamies.

*****

Many plans lined up for this week. Which is good.

Next up: Shanghai! Normally I doubt I would be that happy to do that flight, but I'm seeing Qian!

Ok, i should be off to bed. Tired.

xoxo
jenn

you've got mail!

An sms came in from a dear friend currently in Frankfurt, and it was really sweet and touching, it made me smile...

I am happy for friends who care...

:)

satisfied.

xoxo
jenn

jenn's wisecrack of the day:

It's so much easier to find someone you want to fuck for the rest of your life than someone who will hold your hands for the same lifetime.

wisely yours
Jenn

::sadomasochism::

I never realised I am still capable of feeling such pain after even such a long time. Yet this pain is oddly soothing. Like I used to always say, pain is an addiction, a harsh reminder that I am still human, still alive.

Probably I am the only person I know who always fall for the wrong men, having wrong men fall for me, breaking hearts, mending hearts, a vicious repetitive cycle which only makes me more jaded with each round.

But what is it that I want? I know not the answer.

Then again it hasn't been a factor, because I never bothered about what I want.

*****

The 5 off days have come and almost gone, and finally a team flight with some of the girls. Good to have familiar faces on board, and am going shopping (hopefully) in Narita again.

And... heh heh... when I come back, I'll be going to IKOI for the yummiest japanese buffet! But my darling Jacob says it's not that fantastic. STILL, i like.

Feeling better already... i think.

xoxo,
jenn

stories..

We all have our own stories to tell. Stories of happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger, despair... I remember times when I sat down at roadside cafes, watching the world go by. And I wonder what lies beneath each and every single person who walked down that road that day, who walked into my view. The man who stood at the traffic light looking impatiently at his watch, waiting to cross; the girl biting into a sandwich as she strolled on, stopping as she picked up a call; the young couple laughing as they walked past; the Caucasian man looking puzzled as he stared at the map... I wonder what their stories are, I wonder what they have to tell.

I have my own stories, my own secrets. I'm not ready to share, because words fail me. But if I bare my soul to you, will you listen?

It's ironic how, as someone with prior experience doing marketing and public relations supposedly good with words, it is always difficult for me to put into words about my feelings and what I want. In a way, I never wanted to share how I really feel or what I really want because I don't want to feel too exposed, nor do I want to make someone feel obliged into doing something or changing to suit my likes and expectations. But sharing is a two-way thing... something which I stopped doing since.. a long while ago. And I doubt I'll be doing it again anytime soon.

So. What's your story?

*****

As weird as it sounds, I love the smell of cigarettes in aircon. Probably because it reminds me of my childhood, when Dad used to smoke chimneys. The bedroom always smelt of cigarettes, always smelt of Dad. I've gotten into the habit of lighting up a ciggie whenever I am overseas and let the smell infiltrate into the hotel room (and of course, I do it only if I'm allocated a smoking room), and it just makes me feel a lot at home.

*****

I wonder why when we cry, there's always an aching feeling in the chest. At a time when most people I know are sleeping, I am still wide awake. My tears have dried up and I guess it's time to move on. So long as the people I care for are happy, nothing else kinda matters.

xoxo,
jwnn

Los Angeles.

It was HOT.

Not HOT in the damn-you-should-be-there kinda thing, more I-am-sweating-buckets kinda hot.

Didn't manage to go out as planned with this American guy I met, because I was jet-lagged. Yes, laugh all you want. I thought jet-lag never happens to me, but well, I should be biting my words now. BECAUSE, I reached home at 3am, finally fell asleep at 5am and it was 8am when Charcoal hopped onto my bed and woke me up.

Oh. And a pleasant surprise awaited when i reached home. King Charcoal peed on my bed, leaving a freaking disgusting yellow stain by the time I got home. Luckily the mattress had a protective cover, so I need not discard this %&*(@# expensive queen-sized bed.

So now I am very jet-lagged.

This Tokyo-LA trip was the last team flight for this team that I flew with, and I could feel their sadness at the end of the flight. The crazy drinking session in Tokyo got everyone in laughter with silly antics and all, with the effect of alcohol. At the end of the flight, we took crazy photos outside the gate, and everyone was happy. I really enjoyed this flight, though it was a tad too long away from home. Still, I yearn for more flights with such fun and crazy people. They really make the trip a lot more fun.

*****

Managed to do a little shopping in LA, wanted to visit Orange County, but didn't know how to get there with the vague instructions from the locals, so gave up on the idea. Oh! And I found my favourite chocolate shop in Glendale!!! See's Candies!!! I went in and got a sugar high just by staring at the chocolates.

Well, so the next thing I did was to buy my favourite lollies~!! *heh heh*

On the flight from LA to Tokyo, I met this guy on board who, during our conversation, when he heard I wanted to visit Orange County, gave me his contact details so on my next trip to LA, he could bring me around.

Then in Tokyo, I went in search of the 100 yen shop, and somehow got lost. So with my very limited Japanese, I manage to seek the help of a young couple, and, they brought me all the way there even when they had planned to go elsewhere. So with my "half-past-six" Japanese and their limited English, we had a really weird but funny conversation. Of course, when we reached, they shopped with me as well.

Sigh. Why are Japanese girls so gentle? Makes me feel really unrefined next to them. *sulks*

Ok, so it's off to Tokyo again on the next trip. But this time I'll at least fly with some girls on my team. Why don't I ever get team flights!?

*****

On another note, I'm gonna meet Qian in Shanghai!!! Can't wait to see her again.

Ok, I think I need to at least try to sleep.

It's 10 am.

Stupid jet lags.

xoxo,
jet-lagged jenn

title? what title?!

I wonder what has gotten into me recently.

I was always known as the one without any temper, and used to have the temper of a nun going into recluse (ok, so I don't know what the temper of a nun in recluse is, but you get the drift), and now, I think my temper is as short as the wick of a birthday candle.

So I am having PMS. So I am feeling irritated. So I am feeling grouchy. So what?

Never used to blame my temper on PMS. Never want to. But still, around the doomed day my temper fluctuates. I hate this. But everything around me irks me. Especially... ah well. Forget it.

*****

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok I feel better.

*****

Will be leaving for Narita later, and then to Los Angeles. Back next Wed in the dead of the night.

I want to go drink. I miss drinking wine.

I am suffering from alcohol withdrawal.

Someone save me!

Anal-ly yours,
Jenn

to: you.

I know you read what I write whenever you can.

Please.. let me go.. Don't make me hate you for what you have done.

It wasn't easy for me to let those memories go either, but holding on to them selfishly isn't going to work out for either of us.

Please.

Let me go.

ex-Friends...

I know of many who can remain good friends with their ex-es.

I wonder why I haven't been able to. Is it my fault that things turned out this way? Did I make things bad for him and I?

Really envy those who are still chummy with the ex-es. He was a really close friend of mine, and the fact that we're no longer friends kind of triggered some sadness in me.

Ah well. Life goes on.

Will be away in Amritsar (if you don't know where it is, go Google Earth it out) later, and back early Saturday morning.

xoxo
jenn

(edit: I just read this, and I dare say it just summed up what I am feeling.)

Another personality test....

Well.... Qian passed me this link and i found it pretty accurate....

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

My life is...

... full of lies.

I hate liars.

*****

Why? Why? Why?

It hurts and yet it doesn't.

I'm confused and yet not.

*****

You're slowly losing me.

*****

I so wanna be loved.


xoxo,
jenn

Murphy's Law is....

... just a big fat silly disclaimer.

xoxo,
jenn

finally home.. once again.

I'm finally home from Moscow.. and well, it's been a really good trip with a bunch of very fun crew. Got a call which made me really upset, not over him, but how he still feels that he could manipulate me with his words..

But tired... need sleep.

Happened to hear this song which... reminded me of myself...

::Iris:: by GooGoo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me some how.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am......

Dubai - Moscow from 26 Jun to 3 Jul...

My lovely darlings...

I will be away from tonight till next Monday....

See you all when I get bacK!

xoxo
Jenn

Mememeeeeeeeeee.

Since everyone's doing this... here goes.

If you comment on this post:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

I love the World Cup...

... and I've been losing sleep over the matches.

Sigh. I can't sleepppppp.

And I'm so tired. My right ankle is starting to hurt again. Stupid old sports injuries.

:(

I need tender loving care.

xoxo
jenn

I miss....

... climbing trees and getting stuck there until grandpa carried me down.
... jumping into the pool after the morning walk.
... flying kites with grandpa.
... running to grandma's house after school to wait for mum.

... being able to leave class early just because we had choir rehearsals on that day.
... hanging outside the classrooms chatting with friends above and next to us.
... falling in love for the first time.
... sneaking textbooks from other classes.
... falling asleep in Biology class.
... standing up for one another as a class.
... bowling sessions or KTV sessions after school.
... eating Long John's at JEC.

... sitting outside TP bookstore in between classes, eating our favourite Little Chef cup noodles.
... slogging over the computer on our first Excel project.
... sitting in lectures trying to snack without making too much noise.
... being chummy with all our lecturers.
... cooking in Saffron.
... internship at The Regent.
... working with a good team of friends.
... eating at the tze-char stall opposite TP.
... overnight camps in TP.
... long strolls and conversations at Bedok Reservoir.
... chicken cutlet at Biz Park, muslim food in Design, jap in Mensa...
... sitting outside Jupiter Cafe watching time pass.

... working in a hotel.
... being around people who really care.
... working long hours doing things I really love.
... feeling accomplished and satisfied.

... having someone I can care for, and love.
... falling in love without any inhibition.
... being happy.
... cooking.
... lazy Sundays at the beach.

... meeting up the guys at Bt Timah for coffee and prata.
... watching soccer with the guys.
... my ex-movie kakis (YOU!!!!! sob. Now I have to find new ones.)
... hanging out with friends.
... being hopeful about everything.
... being in love.

But most of all...
... being myself.

xoxo
Jenn

Life is...

... full of contradiction. Ever made up your mind to never end up in a certain job, be with certain types of people, or do certain things, to end up being in that certain job, with those certain types of people, or doing those certain things?

I have.

Was in Kensington Park taking a walk when I saw a sign stating "No Cycling" and just on that path, I saw cyclists. Why bother putting signs when people are sure to still break them? I wonder.

*****

Have you been so unhappy that you cannot remember what happiness means? And you grow to be happy with being unhappy?

Someone posed me this question. And that probably summed up what I have been feeling the past few days. Or rather, weeks. More likely, months. OH who cares.

I guess I kinda forgot how happiness feels. Gone are the days when everything around me seemed bright and cheery no matter how grey they actually are. Gone are the days when I feel light, and not weighed down by anything at all. Gone are the days when I could laugh heartily and happily and just not give a damn to weird stares. Gone are the days when I feel carefree, and not be bothered by anything at all.

I just want to be happy again. But how can I when my heart is strongly guarded? How can I be happy when I don't allow myself that little bit of happiness?

Or where can I find my happiness?

What the f*ck am I babbling about?

*****

I miss watching soccer with the guys. I miss the lazy lounging at pubs, watching the matches on big screens. I miss drinking beer and being just one of the guys with the guys.

*****

I kinda like the smell of cigars.

*****
Some pictures from London...



And there you go! Xiao Chang and I in my room. Thanks for staying over dear. Though we've been friends only a short while, thank you for being there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to.



*****

Oh oh. And I saw this sign at the airport while waiting for my brother to touch down from Hong Kong (and OH WAIT. I AM STILL WAITING.)



Please refrain from sleeping in the establishment. Thank you for your cooperation.

NO SLEEPING OK!

No sleeping.
At all.

hur hur hur.

xoxox,
jenn

Back from London... one day earlier.

Was activated to come back one day earlier from London. Sigh. But I was glad to have been able to meet up with Xiao Chang!!! :)

Tired now. The good guy Kelvin came down to the airport to pick me up, and wrote my name on a big piece of paper. Silly boy. Somehow it feels good to have someone waiting outside the arrival hall, welcoming you back home.

The nice team boy was very sweet, came down early in the morning to send me off. Thank you!!! And sadly, no more team flights until... until.... I don't even know when. Bleah.

Gonna rush out for a while. More updates later!

Je me déteste!

La femme est triste.

Happened to chat to A over MSN before I left for Bali. He said that the ex's current gf resembles me in so many ways he felt weird.

I don't know how to describe the feeling I had after I heard it.

*****

I used to love cooking, and always cooked or baked for him... and it really felt great when he beamed and said he loved the food. Cooking used to be an act of love between us both... but now, I feel lethargic whenever I step into the kitchen to cook, and haven't been doing so for ages.

Probably should start baking stuffs again.

*****

Bali was alright, I didn't go for massage due to the back strain I had (which, is now getting a lot better) and so I had a good sleep in the hotel room. Flight back was alright, slowly feeling I can handle short flights a lot better. I wondered what life would be like if i hadn't taken up this job. Would I find something I like? Would I be happy?

*****

Then came this Jakarta turn early this morning. Leading said I did a good job and commended me to my team IFS, but I felt really lousy on the way up. I thought I could do a lot better, but yet I don't know how. Almost wanted to give up. Hoped very much to see someone after the flight so that I could probably feel a little better, but never got the chance to. Good thing I had someone to accompany me and to hear me whine over lunch and coffee, and friends who are online to put up with my nonsense.

*****

I've evolved into a boring person!!! My off days are spent mostly at home sleeping! What happened to activities?!

*****

I love long aimless drives, without any place in particular, just driving and driving and driving. I want to drive off the beaten track, admire rows of trees or the clear blue sky as I drive, or maybe on a jeep, drive into the wilderness, enjoy the bumpiness of the ride, feel the rain on my skin... feel the wind in my hair... have the sun's rays warm my soul...

Ah well, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.

*****

ARGH!

Ok, that scream was really random but I just wanted to let off steam. BOoOooOooOOOOOO.

I love it when Charcoal cuddles up to me in his sleep, and it feels good to feel him huddled against me. But I really don't appreciate the fact that he sleeps on my pillow with his ass facing my nose. And though I think he's smart to have learnt how to open the door, I wish he could close the door after him sometimes, because HE WILL STILL TRY TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN WHEN IT IS ALREADY OPEN! After which, he would strut in with an indignant look on his face. He is royalty at home. No one disturbs the Highness. No one tells the Highness what to do.

Now His Highness is staring at me. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't wait to get back from London so I can meet up with some friends. Oh dear. I haven't done the flight and I'm already looking forward to coming back.

*****

Come home quick Ah Fat and Yan. I miss hanging out with the gang.

xoxox,
Jenn

i give up.

I give up waiting for nicely rostered flights. The only good thing about the new roster is that I will be going down to Moscow. Sad thing, that I won't be going on flights with my team, and can't go out with my newly found travel companion.

Heading down to Sydney tomorrow... wonder what the flight would bring. I hope I survive tomorrow well.

Probably still feeling a little dejected about the new roster.

*****

Got tricked by the IFS on the previous sector from Shanghai, and was given the name Little Miss Naive on board.

I should really stop taking what people say at face value, huh?

*****

Met up with the 853 guys last night for a short dinner in Marina South and drinks at Cosy Bay. Brought back memories which I tried to fight back.


Vincent, Darren, Jacob & I

I miss training with the gang.

*****

I really should be sleeping now, as it's an early reporting tomorrow. But I just can't get to sleep.

I'm such a melancholic person, and I have a lot of memories inside me. Everytime I chance upon something that played a role in my life before, I would think of the past.

*****

I really shouldn't feel so attached.

*****

Was just chatting with Ah Fat, and in whatever relationship, it takes two hands to clap, both parties to make the effort to make things work. But, like I told him, as we grow older, somehow we put in less effort into making something work out. And then it comes the part on expectations. I don't know if I can live up to someone's expectation of me, and I wonder if I sometimes expect too much from someone, or anyone.

*****

Sometimes u need to just open ur heart a bit,
it's tough la.. esp after what u have gone thru.

I wish I could. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt all over again. I'm a coward. Life is about taking risks, but love is not a risk I think I can take.

xoxox,
jenn

crossroads..

I've got loads to say and yet I don't know what to say.

Laters. Woke up early and now got to prepare to bring Charcoal out for grooming.

xoxox,
jenn

the song which brought back memories...

From The Heart - Another Level

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love thats deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
Theyre staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save I'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one I'm living for.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all I got, with all I've got inside.

*****

Lost.

xoxox
Jenn

questions... without answers.

Him: You're seeing someone now?
Me: ??
Him: Is he good to you?
Me: Why ask?
Him: I still care, you know?
Me: Thanks for your concern.
Him: Do you love him?
Me: How, or rather, why should I answer that?
Him: How do you put down the past?
Me: Just like how you found someone new.
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: Does it really matter?
Him: Yes. Cos, I still miss you at times.

painting the town red...

... I wish. All that I am painting red are my nails.

Barely recovered from my bout of flu and went off to Taipei on Friday. Taipei was terrific! Jacob gave me a buzz in my room and tried to trick me with his lousy joke, and went up to his room to accompany him while he prepared for flight.

Met up with Shu'e, Huihui and Minghsia who were already there for the past 5 days and bummed in my room before we went on our eating and shopping spree in Shih Lin Night Market. I wanted to splurge on shoes but I was too spoilt for choice. We ate a lot, and walked down the streets before we headed back to Ximen Ding for a break.

I woke up in the morning with a fever and flu which had gone worse. Managed to work my way back to Singapore with a dripping tap in place of my nose. But the load was light, so there wasn't much of a problem.

Then it was meeting my lovely Qian, who came back from Doha for a short break. At Wala's, we bitched over alcohol, laughed at our own little experiences with different people, shared our life stories and our little comments about work. I wish she wasn't so far away, but then again, probably our distance apart made us really close friends today. Really love having her back, and I look forward to seeing her again sooN!!!

*****

Every country I go, I tend to buy more books to add to my collection of unread books. I think I should stop this "unhealthy" habit.

A photo collage I put together in a hurry....



*****

Can someone really love more than one person at a time? I hope not. But then again... probably I should stop deluding myself.

*****

WHERE IS VAL! I haven't seen her in the longest time! ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

jenn's quote of the day...

It's so much easier to walk away than to confront what's at hand.

I'm a coward. But I just can't face up to hurt.

*sniff sniff* *cough cough*

Had a tiny bout of flu before I left for Manchester, but I came back feeling really sick and lousy. It was a good thing that our team was scheduled to fly back as passengers, so I didn't have to work on my way back. The crew operating our flight back was really sweet, they knew I was ill, and fussed over me. I felt really pampered, and my very nice team boy took care of me during the flight.

Yes, I'm a sucker for attention and care when I'm sick. So what? :P

But yet sometimes I wish to be left alone still.

*****

Pictures of quiet town Manchester when I'm back online again. Right now, it's time to sleep.

Pitter patter pitter patter...

I kinda like Melbourne. I have no idea why. I've been to Melbourne more than 3 times, before I was flying and even now, yet I haven't grown tired of the city. But this time Melbourne was a little chilly, probably because it was near winter.


Flinders Street Station

Was supposed to meet up with George, but we had a change of plans last minute, so I went out strolling alone. Got stuck in a second-hand bookstore, where I bought 2 books (almost bought a lot more, if not for the fact that I have to save up some money). By the time I left the bookstore it was near dark, so I bought an ice cream and walked down to the park near Flinders Street Station. Was reading 'Almost French' by Sarah Turnbull and taking photos when this rather cute French guy came up to me. Phillipe was his name, and we spent the evening chatting in the park, then adjourned to the cafe for drinks and pastries. Very sweet gentleman, but then again, I don't know him well enough to judge.

*****

I picked up a leaf from the ground on my way back to the hotel. I thought it was pretty nicely shaped. But it dried up when I reach the hotel, so some of the edges have fallen off. Still, it looks pretty. I love autumn leaves.

*****

Did a Penang turn with my team yesterday, and it was the first time I met them. They seem nice, but I was, and still am, worried that I cannot really gel into the team. Will be meeting them for flight later to Manchester. And I woke up with a bout of flu. Hope things turn out well.

*****

It's not easy, eh?

Sigh.

Kena tagged. Bleah.

7 random facts about me:
1. I was really fat. Like REALLY FAT.
2. I actually am a closet nerd.
3. I have tons of books which I bought and haven't found the time to read.
4. I love dancing.
5. I used to love Smurfs, until I felt that they are pretty warped.
6. I HATE INSECTS WHICH FLY.
7. My comfort drink is hot Milo.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. George Clooney
2. Johnny Depp
3. Brad Pitt
4. Hugh Jackman
5. Robert Redford
6. Orlando Bloom
7. Antonio Banderas

7 qualities i want in a potential boyfriend:
can't think. I kinda gave up on potential boyfriends.

7 things that scare me:
1. COCKROACHES
2. lizards
3. Horror shows
4. losing loved ones
5. losing Charcoal
6. stupid insects which fly
7. planes which cannot fly

7 random songs at the moment:
1. You're beautiful / James Blunt
2. Same side of the moon / Corrine May
3. Sexed up / Robbie Williams
4. Bad Day / Daniel Powter
5. Goodbye my lover / James Blunt
6. If I kissed you / Corrine MAy
7. Safe in a crazy world / Corrine May

7 things i like the most:
1. Sitting with people I like, doing nothing at all
2. Reading my books or magazines
3. eating ice cream
4. Dancing
5. champagne, red wine or white wine, according to mood
6. Grocery Shopping
7. taking a road trip.

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. Go to Spain
2. take part in a piano concerto
3. Backpack around the world
4. Bring my parents to wherever they want to go
5. Travel to unknown places on earth
6. Sky diving
7. Mountain hiking

7 things i say the most:
1. I don't give a flying f***
2. WHAT?!
3. What the f***?!
4. Excuse me/ Sorry/ Please excuse me.
5. Mind your heads/ backs/ legs!
6. Thank you sir/ madam!
7. Shucks.

ROOOOARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just whine (again) about my lousy roster next month?

*****

Had a wonderful time in Beijing, K heard I would be bored there, then he took the really late night flight, and appeared at my door in the morning! We chatted over room service, and then he took the same flight which I was on back at night. We spoke a lot, after he disappearing from my life (or was it me from his life) for ... say... 3 years?

And then it was a short stay in Seoul, where I rushed out to fulfil some friends' shopping lists, drinking and eating, drinking and eating... Little wonder it is then, that my uniform seems tight now. Argh.

*****

The weekend was spent lazing and catching up on sleep at home. Met up with JH and QL for supper near my place. The two guys are finally near to graduation.. and we talked about how we've all grown and done things which we never thought we would have done. Would we have taken a different path if we had the chance to go back in time?

*****

Heard great news from Qian, and I wish her happiness. Hope this is the man who'll love you in the most perfect way possible.

I yearn to love, and be loved in return. Is that difficult?

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.

- George Sand -

Can you make me happy?

*****

Spent the morning with K again, and we wondered if things would have worked out if we had gotten together then. I thought not, but he thought otherwise. Still, he's changed and I've changed. Will things work out now?

I would rather be your friend forever. At least, then I would know that you'd always love me in your capacity.

*****

Same topics discussed with different groups of people, yet they all say the same. I shouldn't think too much eh?

*****

Been really irritated since last night. I think I'm really tired, both emotionally and physically. I need a break.

xoxox,
jenn

Off to Beijing... again...

This is the second time I'm flying off to Beijing within a month. However, dear Mr Fat is not free to meet me as he will be away for the May Day holidays.

Hopefully the flight tomorrow will be good. Not exactly looking forward to flight since what happened the last time. Sigh.

How positive can one stay for long? I wonder.

Girlfriend called me earlier and asked me a really weird question about something which happened a long time back.. and kinda got me thinking a little. I wonder why she asked.

*****

On another note, Qian is finally coming back to SIN for a while! And she'll be in on the days I'm home!

Can't wait to catch up with her at Wala's. At least this is the tentative plan.

*****

I finally went for brazilian waxing at Strip this afternoon. Haven't done it in the longest time ever and... it was a hair-raising (no pun intended) experience. Spent the afternoon window shopping, and ended up at The Mind Cafe, laughing our asses off on the games we played.

I love spending time like that with people I care for.

*****

Am typing as I am painting my nails blood red. I can't believe that this nail painting routine has become part of my life.

Eew.

Random ramblings... oh what's new?

Met up with Amy and Huiling in the evening for dinner, and we sat at Starbucks to bitch the night away. Chat about sensitive topics which might get Amy blushing, but it was really funny and hilarious. And so the 2 ladies left to meet their beaus, and I, without any plans, came home taking public transport.

I've been taking public transport pretty much of late, and somehow, I like long bus rides. Reminded me of the long conversations we've had, the only times we could spend together due to our packed student activities, catching up on each other's lifes. Reminisced a little about the past, and kinda missed taking the bus with the guys after choir practices.

Ah, signs of me growing old.

*****

Plans with Lady Stella to go MOS kinda didn't happen cos I felt tired earlier, and we couldn't really find people to go. So I came home and sat my butt down in front of the computer, and spent the time thinking if I should remove my makeup and shower before getting into bed. After an hour of painstakingly waiting for calls to invite me out for the night, I decided to prepare for bed.

Just as I stepped out of the shower, a call came and forced me out for drinks. So I went out again.

We chatted, laughed, and drank while catching up after a long period of disappearance from each other's lifes. He said that he could never be a replacement, only a substitute. And I agreed, somehow.

*****

And I just got back, feeling more awake than ever.

I think I need sleep.

Back home again....

Just got back from Christchurch, had a bad start which left me feeling really demoralised, but thanks to the crew, who encouraged me no end, I survived pretty much.

Don't feel like talking about it though, so ... would appreciate if you guys don't ask. :)

*****

Wanted to skydive in NZ, but weather was so bad, it rained every hour or so. First night, we went to the casino opposite the hotel and spent a long time there. When we got back, a few of us gathered to drink and play games, and I went back to the room feeling woozy. Think I talked rubbish online with a couple of people (you know who you are, especially the one who wanted to call and hear how I sound!). So it was just lunch and a little walk around town the next day, in the rain no less.

*****

Couldn't sleep last night in the hotel, so met up with one of the crew and we had a long chat into the morning.

Shared many thoughts... which set me thinking. =(

*****

I wish things were a lot simpler.

Spinning around...

This has been a crazy week of turnarounds... to Kuala Lumpur, and to Bangkok. Great crew, lots of learning, lots of training on my speed, what else can I ask for?

Had a nightstop in Bangkok, so once we checked into the room, a group of us went out for shopping, drinks and dinner, or rather, supper. Came back to the hotel pretty late, and I contemplated staying awake throughout the night, only to fall asleep and disregard the ringing of my alarm clock.

No more wild nights like this.

*****

Met up with Stella for dinner, and we spent about 3 hours in Cafe Cartel, just chatting and bumming around, hogging a huge table meant for a big group. But no one chased us away, so we shamelessly sat ourselves down.

I got a webcam and a Skype phone! So last night I gave a coupla friends a quick tour of my room. hahaha! Then Val & I tried to use skype to chat on the phone, but there was something wrong with our connection. Sigh.

And now I'm forcing friends to see me via webcam. STOP HIDING FROM ME ALOYSIUS! And chatting with Ah Fat over skype.

*****

Tomorrow I'll be off to Christchurch. Heard the weather's cold. So, I went out to buy a jacket, despite already having 2 from London.

And hurt done to my wallet was... $400. I walked past Esprit and I saw they were having a sale.

Sigh.

This is unhealthy.

Argh.

STOP IT JENN!

I miss...

... being the old me.

Where are you?

:,(

I really should stop being so emo and get out of this depressing shithole.

It's already 3 am...

... and I can't get to sleep still.

Oh, and because it was Easter Sunday yesterday, we had hot cross buns on board! I absolutely love hot cross buns because they have raisins and apricots inside. Love it love it love it! I broke into song in the galley and got laughed at by the rest.

"Hot cross buns, hot cross buns,
One a penny, two a penny
Hot cross buns!"

Now that I've got myself started on silly songs, here's another one I love to sing to irritate everyone.

"Say a thousand legged worm, as it gives a little squirm,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine hundred and ninety-nine!
Hop around, Hop around,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine-hundred and ninety-nine!"

Oh I feel so young again.

I have more songs! And nursery rhymes!
BUt I'm done with them today. Now the wormy song is stuck in my head.

Damn it.

Rain.. rain

Got back from my standby flight this morning... did a turnaround to Dhaka and it was truly and eye-opener for me. Learnt a lot of things though, which is good, and I really hope to be good at what I'm doing.

*****

I love rain somehow. I like the cold, wet feeling, the droplets of rain on my window. I like to sit in cars, trace the path each drop of rain run down the window. I like to see how people would run to take shelter from the rain, I like to see people strolling under their umbrellas, all from the comfort of my covered shelter.

Yet at times, I love to run in the rain, heck, if I could, I want to dance in the rain.

But I wish the rain will go away tomorrow because Val & I want to go to SentosA!

*****

When I was happily attached years back, I thought all I wanted was a successful career and be a happily married woman.

Then I became single and I thought... I just want a successful career.

Then I got this job. Good bye successful career.

hAhaha, Val and I talked about this during our stay in Karachi. Life takes a weird turn sometimes. Or rather, everytime.

*****

Finally my NUS/NTU guys are graduating! Welcome to the working world, in advance, buddies! But first, have fun with exams. HAhAhahA!

And yes, I'm still left with 2 modules that I need to complete before I graduate from UWA. I will settle it soon. I hope.

*****

I want my iBook back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lousy feeling

Just got home from The Mind Cafe with friends.

I had wanted to get something off my chest...felt really lousy, really lousy.

But I thought it wouldn't be of any use. Cos the outcome will stay the same.

It's tiring to live a lie right? I wouldn't have the energy to do that.

singled out

So someone patched back with the ex, some friends got hitched, one got married and oh well, none free to accompany poor old me.

Back to work tomorrow night... sigh.

*****

I was browsing through some books, and a sudden thought hit me.

I used to feel... special somehow. Like.. people would love me for my bubbly personality, my witty jokes, my silliness... everything.

Somehow, I realised I'm.. just boring old me. No longer the hyper-active one, no longer the funny one, no longer the person to hang out with.

I hate this feeling.

*****

Sudden craving for salmon.
And thick chunks of steak.

Another boring post...

Yes, as you may have noticed, I've been blogging a lot more recently. I'm on a week's leave, and my plans to go HKG or to BKK or even to the beach have been scrapped due to my being vain.

SO during the past few days, I have:
- packed my room slightly
- chatted over the phone and MSN with friends I haven't had time to catch up with
- done online shopping
- surfed many weird and interesting websites
- attended an ROM this afternoon.

*****

So this afternoon I attended Phil's ROM. That guy had the cheek to call me on Monday, telling me that he forgot to send me an invitation to his ROM. Being really good friends, and on the promise that he will introduce some nice young chaps to me, I tagged along.

I volunteered my camera for some photo-taking sessions, when I realised.. I left my memory stick in the computer.

How nice. How typical of me.

Today's the first time I saw P's wife. Always knew she wasn't local, but I wasn't expecting him to marry an Australian as his parents are very conservative and traditional. Still, for his parents to be able to accept her, that lady must be really special. Sad thing is, after next month, he'll be leaving us to settle down in Perth with her family. Which means, he's gotten his job application approved. Which means, when I go to Perth, I can visit him! Which means, I'm more likely to see him more often! Which, when I told him that, he cringed and said he'd keep his address hidden from me.

How nice. How typical of him.

My leave's coming to an end on Friday. And tomorrow night I am going to watch West Side Story with Jason!

YIPPEE!

Ok, enough of blogging.

MyHeritage.com

Again, another bored day at home. It's raining and I can't go down to the beach!

So I was chatting with Sel, and then he told me to go MyHeritage.com. And so I did. And then the next half an hour or so, I was stuck with putting up pictures and seeing who I resembled.

Heh.

All you people who have taken photos with me before, BEWARE!!!



This is a picture of Val and I in London...



A pic of Sel & I taken outside The University of Sydney... and I quote "I don't wanna look like a dead gay!" :P



This was taken at Louis' birthday party last year. HahaHAahAh, apparently he looks like Stephen Chow.



A narcissistic picture of myself. Who is Ha Ji-Won anyway?



And then I put up Charcoal's pic for fun. But no matches.

So.. I have a typical Asian face with my small eyes. Sigh. NO chance of me looking like Angelina Jolie ever.

My love language... haha!

I... erm... was bored. So...

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		11
Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

beauty.

I've learnt, that beauty comes with a price to pay.

I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again. I shall not be vain again.

Slap me with a trout if you ever see me being vain again.

::unprotected::

Nightmares plague me every night, haunting me in my sleep. I toss and turn, I wake up in tears, yet I don't remember much.

Snippets, snippets and snippets.... Photographs of my haunting dreams pieced up to tell a whole new story.

I feel vulnerable.

I feel exposed.

I feel... left alone.

Give me a box. I want to stay inside my box.

Back from Karachi...

I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.
The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other.
- excerpt from Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

Touched down from Karachi, Pakistan, early yesterday morning. I have nothing much to say about Karachi, cos I spent 90% of my time in the hotel, catching up on rest and my reading. Being a closet nerd that I am, I was elated when I finished one book.

Read Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, and was rather surprised to find that I could actually relate to many instances mentioned in the story, a real-life account of a prostitute who was trying to find herself. Life is, by itself, a contradictory stage. It is too long, too draggy for one to suffer, yet too short, too abrupt, for anyone to make mistakes. For me, in the midst of trying to live life, I lose myself and not know what I want out of life. Heck, sometimes I don't even know who I am. Am I still bursting with energy, full of zest for things I do, full of curiosity for all new things... or am I jaded with life, with love, with everything and just about everyone?

I have no fucking idea.

*****

Anyway, Karachi. Dusty and we were advised not to drink water from the taps, or eat any fresh salads, or take drinks with ice cubes, lest we fall ill. Things there are really affordable! I went with S$30, and I still had about S$4 when I came home, even after spending money on desserts, snacks, a very filling dinner, and a scrumptious breakfast in the room! Hotel staff are really hospitable, and they made sure we were well taken care off.

Val and I operated the same flight again, and she went out the next day with 2 other ladies to sight-see. I stayed in, and went out alone in the afternoon. When I got out of the hotel, I had a shock. I didn't see any women at all, NONE. And, being the only woman on the street, I got followed, got stared at, got pestered by taxi drivers trying to bring me around for shopping. So, I got freaked out and didn't tour further than the street I was on. Sigh.

*****

It was Val's birthday on our way back to SIN, so I wished her twice, once in Singapore time and one Pakistan time.

I LOVE YOU BABE! Hope you had a real enjoyable birthday! Thanks for always being there, and I'm so gonna miss you on my flights.

*****

Qian called me from Dhaka, and we spent a good almost-two hour chat on the phone. The phone bill's crazily high, but nothing's too much or too expensive for a dear friend.

I'm glad you called, babe.

*****

It's funny how we always term it "women's intuition", when a woman gets this naggy feeling about something and it comes out true.

I had this same feeling a couple of days back, but I don't dare to know if my so-called intuition is true or not.

Even if it's true, there's nothing I can do about it.

*****

And...

No, you can't love two people at the same time.

Finally... updates....

Sorry for the delayed update. Was too lazy to edit any photos, and with Photoshop working SLOW (I repeat, DOUBLY SLOW) on my Windows, it took me practically the whole night to edit the freaking photos!!!

And so I decided to work on my iBook, and I think, I overloaded too many photos at a go... and... I think it kinda crashed.

I hope my iBook's still surviving, thing is, it's not starting up. And I'm worried. Cos I never backed up anything in there. I should, right? Was procrastinating the backup thingy. ARGH! It just had to happen at this time! IDIOT!

Yeah. I'm rambling cos it's 6 am and I am nowhere near sleepy.

-------

Sydney

Went to Sydney on my first solo flight, and good thing for me, Val happened to do the next flight to Sydney as well. So we met up, and then Selwyn came down to show us around!

We went to this place called "Pancakes on the Rocks" for brunch, and it was YUMMY. Ok, I'm a sucker for desserts, but then it was really cheap and good! Sel was very sweet to have spent his whole day with us, doing all the tourist-y things like taking photos, ooo-ing and aah-ing at stuffs...



Kinda hoping to go back to Sydney again soon though.

*****

Beijing

And then it was Beijing.

Met up with Fat and we went to have a great scrumptious dinner which cost less than S$20! Where could you get such a good deal? Things are pretty cheap in Beijing, but I didn't get to do much shopping cos I slept the afternoon away before I met him.

It was great catching up with him over dinner... it seemed like such a long while since we had a heart-to-heart talk. Good to see that he's moving on well, and settling well into the city.

Still, Fat, we miss you and hope you are coming back soon!



And, oh oh!, Fat made a jigsaw picture of him and I, with some really nice touching words.

Thank you for being there for me always too, bro. Thank you for always supporting me.

*****

London

Just got back from London on Friday morning. London was... well, wet. It was COLD and raining almost every hour! Val, Dora and I went on this flight together, and once we settled into the hotel, I called Kelly up in her room and made her come to my room to chat. I really miss having them around.

London was good for sight-seeing. Next morning, Val and I hopped on the Big Bus and went around town. A "coffee-break" (cos we were freezing in the wind) ended up a long shopping spree where I finally managed to find my winter jackets and Val spent a bomb on caps, bags and what-nots. We watched Phantom of the Opera (Original London cast) and were struggling to stay awake through the whole show cos we were just too tired. But the musical was lovely, lovely. I would love to watch it again, but I guess my next show in London would be perhaps Les Miserables or Stomp!

Dora had a friend, Jeff, join us when we were on standby in the hotel. So the four of us did nothing but played cards in the room, ate cup noodles and dilly-dallied around. Luckily dinner was a longer break, and we went down to Marks & Spencer's and I almost went crazy deciding what to buy from there. I LOVE THE COUS COUS THERE!!! it was SUPERB.

Ok, my iBook failed on me at this point, and I had to re-edit the photos from my PC. So... I got lazy and just decided to put up these few pics.




*****

Next month's roster looks promising. Hoping to go more places and save up for my future plans....

*****

I'm keeping my fingers crossed on my iBook. I've tons of pics in there and I haven't backed up.

Pray hard for me.