schming! schming!

I am tired. But I don't know if I am emotionally or physically tired. It has come to a point where I can't differentiate between the exhaustion of the soul or the body. Warped as it sounds, pushing myself to the max gives me an exhilaration I can't fathom. Why?

Sometimes I do yearn... for something I think I might never allow to happen.

Anyway, something creepy happened while I was sleeping in the hotel room last night, and I decided not to sleep cos I was more irritated than frightened. Stayed up and watched TV the whole night.

Jacky told me something which got me laughing for a good 5 min. He said that planes are not recommended to fly past the North Pole, because the penguins will get intoxicated while staring at the aeroplanes fly over their heads and topple backwards. Actually, I didn't know it was true. I thought he was pulling my leg. Well, I googled it. And it appears to be just a chain letter. The penguins, apparently, think the planes are their mothers (why?!) and so stare at them with love and devotion until they eventually topple over. This is the most hilarious piece of news I've ever heard, and BBC has proven it to be a myth. here!

Then we saw the trailer of Hoodwinked on tv, and we really laughed till our sides hurt. Go watch.

As for the blog title, don't bother trying to figure out what it is. I have no idea what to put as the title so I just typed whatever came into my mind. heh heh. This is what pure exhaustion does to people.

haiyah!

Just when I thought we're over the housing episode, another episode furls in. And it's money-related again.

Money is the epitome of all evil. Whoever said that must have loved money till he hated it. And probably died hating it.

And I guess they always come to me because I seem like a pushover. I probably am, because relations matter to me more than money.

But I have no means to. And I hate how things are going within the family.

I am hoping for another miracle. Please please please.

One of the moments I yearn to seek refuge in someone stronger.

wait... waiting.... waited.

Back from Paris... I didn't want to leave. I love France, Lyon and all, and I probably would want to travel down south France and take a look. A break, that's what I need.

I know I don't open up easily, and I don't usually say what's in my mind. But I hate it that when I try to, my words are... disregarded, or unacknowledged. And the topic conveniently shifts to something else, leaving me hanging by the end of my thread, wondering if I should have ever said that. Or if my words ever meant something or made any difference. What's the point of me shooting out what's in my head to someone then? It's never gonna matter anyway. Oh, and it makes me feel silly for even wanting to say what is in my mind.

I enjoyed my time in Paris, probably for the solitude and the time spent alone in a foreign land. Been thinking... and thinking. Ever wanted something so much, then suddenly realising you somehow don't want it that much already? Like, you're just waiting to be on your way out.

Probably what J said was right, no one likes to play second fiddle to anything. But in this predicament, I wonder why it seems like I have no say in anything.

Maybe things will work themselves out in time. But would I be too jaded by then? Because, it's starting to lose meaning to me.

Maybe because I'm detaching myself from feeling so much, from feeling too much. My self-protect mechanism. When two parties wait too long and nothing happens, shouldn't someone move on?

The flames burn and sizzle, then slowly flicker away.

Doesn't it?

And when someone causes you more heartbreaks than expected, does that mean that someone means a lot to you? Why?

Probably being in Paris, city of love and romance, took me away from the reality that I have to face back home. Now you know why I never wanted to leave. I miss being away.

torn

I am trying not to care so much, not to bother so much. I just wanna be indifferent to everything that's related. But deep down inside I can't.

And it's tearing me apart.

paris romantique...

il fait beau...

In Paris now, using the complimentary internet in the room. Will be heading out later, going to take a walk by myself back to where I was many years back. Welcoming the solitude though, probably need to sort out some overdue thoughts.

Met a few nice passengers on board and spoke to them for quite a bit. Nous pouvons vous apporter autour! (We can bring you around!) Friendly gesture, but probably not. Because I don't know when my French will give up on me. But it is cold. Brrrrr... and I am yearning for ice cream.

Thought... a lot. And, it has reached a point where I no longer am in control. I feel very exposed, very vulnerable. Do I hate that feeling? I don't know. It feels warped that I welcome that feeling again somehow, but then again, a large part of me screams something else. Probably the overdue wait is taking its toll. And I wonder why I allow it to drag, why I can't just go. Maybe I should. But do I want to? I hate feeling so affected by certain things, certain words, certain actions.

I'm contradicting myself. As always. So what do I want? I know what I want but I don't have the courage to pursue it. SO what gives?

ARGH. Fuck lah. I wish things could be simpler and easier.

Will be meeting Francis tomorrow evening (see, I blog about you too!), supposed to meet his friends (new men new men!) but he wanted a trade-off, so we decided on a one-to-one date. hur hur hur. Hope I don't get lost in this mad mad metro system.

Au revoiR!

the misadventures of charcoal

*Woof!*

Today I ran away from home for a good 2 minutes, and made mummy worried. Jenn che-che was taking a shower and I was bored cos no one wanted to play with me. I hopped on the chair near the window and saw daddy coming back. So I ran to the door and waited for mummy to open the door.

Daddy came out of the lift and I ran to lick him. Then I saw the lift door closing, and I thought I would try to go downstairs for a walk myself. So I took the lift all the way downstairs myself! *beams*

I came out of the lift, and made my mark near the pillar. Where's mummy?? Where's che-che?? I panicked a little, but decided to stay at the carpark lot and wait for help. Oooh.. I spot little kids nearby. I wanna run up to them and scare them abit. But where's mummy?

OH! There's mummy!!! *lick lick lick*

Ok that marks the end of my adventure.

*Woof!*

::expired::

Why is it that sometimes we yearn to get the things we want, and then when we finally get it, we either no longer treasure it, or.... no longer want it.

Is it because the wait is just too long? Probably we all need time to find the reasons to our actions, the answers to our questions. But it probably is never a priority to some, and so things drag. And then one party gets tired of waiting, wishes to move on, yet can't find the strength to. Why? Maybe afraid of what might be lost if they should give up the wait.

I don't like expiry dates. I sometimes hate the fact that when I try to plan things, I would think "Would things be like this till then?"... I hate expiry dates.

Maybe I should clear out my fridge.

*****

Val sent me this song which I really like, and, I teared after reading the lyrics. WHAT'S UP WITH ME! Why am I turning into a soppy sponge?

Lea:
Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Brad:
Even the stars
Shine a bit bright I've noticed
When you're close to me

Lea:
Still it remains a mystery

Chorus (Both):
Anyone who's seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines Brad: ohh
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Lea:
I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Brad: Lea:
Don't open my eyes Ohhh
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how Tell me how
I could live without you now

Both:
And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Brad:
All my life
I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face

Lea:
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place

(Repeat Chorus)

Both:
Oh, it doesn't take a genius
To know what these are symptoms of
We could be Lea: ohh
We could be, we could be in love

Brad:
Could be in

Both:
We could be in love
~ We Could Be In Love, Lea Salonga & Brad Kane

one night in beijing...

I'm on leave I'm on leave I'm on leave!!!!

Though it's only till next Tuesday, but I'm on leave! No holiday plans, no late night parties... just rejuvenating and probably catching up on sleep. Spending more time with grandma too. :)

*****

Flight up to Beijing was good. Load was light and I had time to strike up conversations with passengers. Met this passenger on board who claimed to have flown on my flight before, to which I think I somewhat have some recollection, but then again, we all look the same in our uniform and makeup.

Was probably in hyper mode due to the lack of sleep (I almost couldn't make it in time for flight), I was jumpy and chatting a lot with the girls on board.

When I touched down in Beijing, first sms was: "reached beijing already? Do take care..." :)

So spent the whole time in the hotel room, ventured out a little to look for food. I was so hungry during lunch, and had a craving for xiao long bao in the afternoon. Stopped at this stall, almost bought my food, when I happened to glance at the menu outside the stall next to it, and it showed "Dead Cat's Ears" (in Chinese). I lost my appetite almost immediately and went back to the hotel distraught.

Then I came home, related the story to mum, and she told me it was another name for "mee hun kuay"... u know, those flat noodls that are triangular shaped. WHATEVER. In China, you get any kind of "delicacy".

*****

Little Miss Sunshine was good. I loved the show, and it was weirdly touching and sweet. I couldn't help but shed tears near the end of the show.

*****

Tired, but I'm gonna force myself to head out to the gym.

I think one day, my eyebags will be big enough to keep the bread rolls on board. One on each side.

*muakz*

xoxo,
jenn

::shagedalic::

So the pictures in my previous post made almost everyone want to go Cape Town. I suppose it'd be a good place to go and unwind, free yourself from woes. But.. go when it's not so cold ok? Brrrrrrrr...

*****

Got back from Sydney last night, and later I'm off to Beijing. This would be the last lap of standby patterns for now. I was soooooooooo tired from the flight I contemplated sleeping in my uniform, then just wake up and go on flight later. hur hur hur.

Seriously stoned. Met up with Sel after I checked in for a chat and drinks (he was the one drinking) till into the late late night. Then packed up and all before I crashed into bed. Jacky gave me a wake-up call for breakfast and I thought I was late, so prepared in a rush and ended up one hour early. So I had honeyed cereals with him in the room and chatted over breakfast.

I love team flights cos I can be really crazy on board and feel really happy. Was in hyper-drive mode on board cos I was really tired. Almost spaced out during meal service, but I guess I was already in auto mode.

I like sweet little gestures, like dragging my cabin bag for me even when I don't need the help, calling to check whether I'm back in the room, making sure I don't end up hungry, taking time to listen to me complain about life and all... even as a friend. Makes me feel comforted to have a friend care for me like that.

And then from faraway... messages to show that I'm constantly missed always bring smiles to my face.

*****

We've taken to putting a chair near the window for Charcoal. Whenever he hears something downstairs, he'd run up the chair and stare out the window. Otherwise when he's bored, he'll be up on the chair, standing on his hind legs and then looking on as the world goes by. Or so I think.

*****

OK. I'm seriously sleepy and I think I'm gonna crash again before I head out for work.

.:somebody:.

Got back from our once-in-a-blue-moon gathering at Ivy's place. I always feel safe when I'm with the guys (ivy included). It's like.. they are the ones who know me best, accepts me for who I am and are always there for me. So over steamboat we were bickering and the usual vegetarian-but-not-buddhist-cos-he-became-vegetarian-out-of-choice chattered the whole night away just because he had nothing to eat on the steamboat table. First time we had a full turn-out for makan, they say. I wish we can have such gatherings more often.

*****

"Eh, I wanna be xiao nu ren sometimes leh. I wanna hide in my nan ren's shadow and bask him with my love and care and all. Then when he needs me to be strong I will be his pillar of support, let him crumble into my arms and tell him that everything will be ok, then help him be strong again. Very difficult meh?"

"You were like that when u were with him wat, just find someone u love can liao."

"U think that easy ah!"

*****

I'm confused with many many things. Words, actions and all. Suddenly someone who disappeared for a while pops out of nowhere and makes me more puzzled with many things.

I'm confusing everyone, cos everyone's confusing me!

ARGH!

*****

To Sydney tomorrow, and after I'm back on Monday, it's crazy flight schedule from Tuesday onwards. Planning to go somewhere when I'm on leave from 30th, but grandma's gotta go for cataract operation. Holiday plans have to wait.

*****

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
~ Somebody, Depeche Mode

:: cape town ::

Cape Town is captivating... Every view is a picturesque moment, and I drained my camera battery dry taking photos there.

We didn't go out in Johannesburg, cos it was only a short stay there. Wanted to head down to Robben Island, where Nelson Mendela was imprisoned, but didn't manage to get the tickets in time. *sigh* But it was clear blue skies all the way, and of course, chilly chilly strong winds.



We went up Table Mountain because the weather permitted, and the cable ride up was fascinating. Once atop the mountain, I headed straight for the cafeteria for hot chocolate cos it was SO COLD! I had frost bite. Sob. But the scenery was breathtaking. I love it. It was a little cloudy, but still we could see the whole of Cape Town.



And because it was the mating season for the whales, we headed out to sea, hoping to catch them in action. But probably they shied away from us, because all we saw were seals, and seals, and seals, and seals, and seals! Boat ride out was bumpy cos of choppy waters, but I enjoyed every moment of it. Some of the seals were daring enough to swim up to us and play around in the waters, "posing" for pictures and all, but no whales.



Lunch was at this restaurant near the jetty. Seafood is cheap here, and lunch cost us less than S$7 per person. Fish and Chips! Delicioussssssss. Love it. Stupid Michael and Melvin started feeding the seagulls and they all strayed near our tables for food. Argh. I was stressed out. VERY.



The lady at the vineyard told us the different characteristics of the wines we tasted. I thought I liked South African wines, but this trip to the vineyard kinda pushed my tastebuds to the dark side. Probably the wines were too young for my liking. The Muscat was SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Sickeningly sweet. Painfully sweet. I don't understand how I can love desserts but hate dessert wines. Out at the vineyards it was peaceful and quiet, but we weren't shown around the vineyards. Sigh.

Cape Town is surrounded by the sea, so we were staring out the window, hoping to catch a view of the whales in the ocean. We did sight some, but it was too far away. Argh. The penguins were.... silly. They ran into the crooks of the rocks when they saw us, save for a few brave souls, then when the tide came in they ran out disoriented. The few brave ones strutted their stuffs and posed for pictures. Probably used to tourists in that area. I kinda got too close to a couple of penguins guarding their eggs, and the male one almost snapped off my fingers. *gulp*

Oh, and I didn't manage to capture this on camera, but there was a sign: "Please look out for penguins under your vehicle before you run off."



Lastly, Cape Point and Cape of Good Hope. In the past, trading ships passed throug Cape of Good Hope before they headed to places like Europe, before the Suisse Canal was open. Cape Point is where the Indian Ocean meets the Atlantic Ocean, and it's the southern-most tip of the South African continent. We climbed up all the way to the top, braving the cold and the thin air, and... well.. again, the amazing view. Took a break before we headed down, and by the time we reached the bus, the shops were closed and I couldn't get my ice cream.

Flight back was... rather challenging. But I met a lot of nice passengers, had the chance to really chat with them and listen to their stories... and having them come up all the way to find me before they leave the plane to give me a hug and some words of encouragement really made my day. As tired as I was, I wished all flights could be like this, leaving me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.

*****

Finally understood why dad did what he did after a long chat. Probably things will turn out better now that everything's pretty much in the works. I just want my family to be happy.

i hate being me...

*edit: post deleted. I've thought about it and I guess I'll just have to follow whatever decision is made. I was just being whiney.*

Tonight I'll be heading for Johannesburg and Cape Town. A good break from home, away from the unhappiness that's been hanging up in the air for these couple of months.

Cheerful songs and movies seem to have no effect on me at the moment. But I'll be fine when I get back I suppose.

Bye all.

Nu flava of da weeeeeeeeeek.

Found this song and I kinda like it...

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family)
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won’t hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

No I won’t hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours

Am I? Do-do-do-do-doooo...

::frankfurters and frankfurt::

Ok... Now I'm in the crew lounge waiting to go for some kind of drinking session. Frankfurt's nice, but a tad boring for me. Probably cos I am down with flu and so confined myself in my room when the girls went out clubbing.

Ah well. Hope the flu gets well. I don't like it that my voice sounds nasal and my sentences are punctuated with coughs.

Heard some lovely news from Qian and am glad things are going her way for once. Come home quick come home quick!

Watched 'Take the Lead' last night in the confines of my room, and ended up feeling really upset not cos of the show, but of my desire to go back to dance. I so love doing the tango... it's like.. sex on the dance floor. The man leads, the woman follows, as in all dances. But the display of fiery love and passion... the response to a man's lead... that intense grasp of the body, that sharp turn as the man twirls the lady.. that heightened feeling of feeling wanted... sigh. Can someone get an orgasm on the dance floor?

I so desperately want to go back to dancing. And I know I should do something about it instead of whining and all, but the only way I see is to hire private coaching, and that needs a lot of moolah. Sigh.

*****

Much as I don't want to ever get hurt again, I still yearn to fall in love madly, like throw myself off a cliff and not bother about where I land. I crave for a kind of love where there isn't any expiry date set, something which I don't even think about the end yet or at all, if I can afford it.

But I know that I don't have the luxury of such relationships, and my reason for being there and then not is because I want to.. be able to leave easily when it ends. Like.. just stand up and go. They always say, the person who cares less in a relationship is the more powerful one.. isn't it so true? But to limit myself from feeling, from caring like I always do, it's almost as if I am stopping myself from being me. Yet if I want to be me, will I be putting pressure on someone else, will I be smothering him with me?

Sigh. I don't even know what I'm babbling about and I'm not even drunk yet.

lazy saturday afternoon...

Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.

So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.

But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.

*****

So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.

Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?

Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.

And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.

Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...

HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.

*****

I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.

*****

Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.

Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.

*****

The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt

a foggy day... in london town....

Back from London! Finally a different pattern from the ones I always seem to get. I had a great time there, sitting on the grass in the parks, eating sandwiches, salads, fish and chips.. just lazing around. I brought my blades there as well, and did a 15 min blading session before I decided to stop. I was afraid of landing on my bum and having everyone laugh at me.

So I took a long stroll from Hyde Park all the way to Kensington, basking in the warm sunlight and the cool breeze. Had this weirdo follow me on a bike and then circling around me, until I gave him the "OH FUCK OFF" face and then he scooted off.

I am happy. Like blissfully happy, even though it's temporary.

I don't know what or how I should be feeling... but well... live for the moment.

Gonna take a nap.

Yawnz.

oopsy daisy...

After some confusion, Qian and I realised we are never going to meet up in London after all. Guess we were too excited and got the dates wrong. Sigh.

Met the PT-bf for lunch, and a little shopping spree today. Are you really happy? mean... you seem to be and yet not. he asked over lunch. I shrugged. Haha, probably it's this "mysterious" side of you, that makes people want to know you and protect you more. Probably I'm not entitled to thinking too much about what I'm in? I offered an answer in vain.

I guess I choose not to think about certain things.. so that at least I might be happier for that short while.

Till it sizzles out I guess.

Oh, and I bought my blades! Yes, I know I shouldn't indulge... but I haven't bought any major purchases for myself for a while! ...i think. Lugging the pair to London so I can blade in Kensington Park.

Looking back, I really haven't been thinking much about things. Running away? Probably so. It's easier to handle when you don't have to face up to it. Am I a coward? I don't think so... I run away because I have no right to feel anything anymore. If only I could gather the strength to move on, to move ahead, to move out... I might probably be happier, but then again not.

So many unknowns out there for me to uncover.

Oh oh~ And my cable TV died on me. It gave out a POP sound when I switched it on and is in RIP mode. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Hands are shaky, palms sweaty, heart palpitating. I... need.... HBO.. NatGeo... Travel & Living... hellppppp....

*yawn*

Bread pudding! Yesterday was a rushed affair for me. Had to do some grocery shopping last minute, and come home to prepare dinner for family. So decided to make bread pudding as dessert with the leftover bread. I love the sweet sauce I made the last time round, but it was only enough for 2 servings of the pudding. Then it was the chicken wraps which mum loves, and I was out again.

Red wine helps me sleep well. Should I indulge in a couple of glasses every night?

I'm kinda back into the "oh-i-so-wanna-cook-or-bake" phase. Been missing cooking and all. Macaroni and cheese today. The guys loved it. Probably when i come back from London I should get my ass down to cooking more for the family.

*****

Dubai was hot. Hot. Had the luxury of being a passenger on the way up, but I slept halfway through Nacho Libre cos I was just too tired. Refused both meals and reached the hotel feeling famished.

Sometimes I really wonder what it is with men. My ass got touched at the airport, and I was followed by 2 men from inside the hypermarket, all the way back to the hotel. Was a good thing I bumped into some of the crew on the way back.

And then back in Singapore... I HATE IT whenever I'm in the car waiting for the lights to turn green and men in the next car/van/truck/whatever stare in. Or when I am walking down an aisle, some backalley and they stare. Or when I am walking down the road and guys horn, slow down, whatever. I have a good mind to show them my long middle finger. bastards. One day... ONE DAY i will throw my shoes at them.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

*****

I am supposed to go do some shopping today... but... since 11am I've been stuck in bed and surfing the net.

OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK time to go.

i should....

... be sleeping now but still I can't seem to doze off.

Feeling rather lethargic throughout the day, but yet didn't feel like sleeping. Now my eyelids are heavy, yet when I close my eyes I just feel restless.

This is so not helping my health and all.

Been feeling rather happy lately, but wonder how long this "temporary" happiness will last.

*****

My 'part-time boyfriend' is finally back from the States after 1.5 years of studying.

I like how you look when you're dressed down. I like it that you seem to be 2 different persons, yet with the same personality. he said, when I met him earlier in the day. I asked why. You look like the simple, sweet girl, the chummy gal pal, the guys' buddy whenever you're dressed down, and the sexy, attractive lady whenever you're dressed up to the nines. Aiyah. The same old you lah.

Thanks dear. It's good to hear from someone that I'm still the same old me.

*****

Oh no Oh no Oh no.

Need to wake up at...7 am? and it's already... 4.30am!

Shucks.

Sleep. sleep sleep sleep.

I shall count sheep. Or think of bubble words.

kisses.

I love kissing.



I love kisses. Stolen kisses, shared kisses, passionate kisses, surprise kisses. Kisses on the cheek, kisses on the forehead, kisses on the lips, kisses at the neck.






I love welcome kisses, goodbye kisses. I love kisses at the door, kisses behind doors, kisses in the car, kisses in the lift, kisses in the bed, kisses in the shower. Kisses with eyes closed, kisses with longing looks, kisses with cheeky faces.





I love long kisses, short pecks, happy kisses, teary kisses. Holding hands while kissing, hugging tightly while kissing, laughing madly while kissing, crying sadly while kissing. Drunken kisses, sober kisses. Joyful kisses, sorrowful kisses.






Give me a kisse, and to that kisse a score;
Then to that twenty, adde a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred; so kisse on,
To make that thousand up a million;
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kisse afresh, as when we first begun.
~ Robert Herrick

last minute ramblings...

Another 15 minutes or so before I head out for work.

Flight on Thursday was... amusing. Didn't know men could be THAT shy. But it was a very surprising coincidence to meet him on board.

Met up with the teamies for a 'wild' BBQ gathering and lots of drinking, with someone ending up being thrown into the pool amidst wild cheers.

Then it was back to the apartment for more drinking, and more drinking and more drinking. I managed to reach home safely with that amount of alcohol in my blood, with a friend on the phone and singing together (he on the phone) at the top of our lungs along ECP.

Crashed for a couple of hours before I headed out to meet Qian in the morning, where good news was 'conceived' and then to Hog's Breath @ Chjimes for lunch... And we wonder how one year flew past so fast. Where did that one year go to?

We mused about the men, rather the lack of, in our lives, and how we are usually hung up about men we can't get. Does this make life interesting? No one knows. But I guess we don't deal well with a life that is smooth sailing all the way. The ups and downs (I mean REALLY REALLY DOWN) make life interesting, no?

Haven't slept since the nap in the afternoon, should have gone Womad with the lady, or drinking with Jacob. Damn. So it was a last minute decision with Joe for supper at Orchard and then home to prepare for flight. Kinda looking forward to Tuesday, where I will be away from home for a longer time. Flights these 2 weeks are rather lousy. I need to be away.

Hookay. Time to hit the road.

UrgH!

I really don't understand why some men appear to be more interested in some kind of a pursuit after they know what line I'm in. Which explains why I never really liked telling people where I am working now.

Shallow hallow.

*****

On another note... I'm never your number one choice.

dejected.

Sentosa!

Taa daaaaaaa!

I'm a teeeeeny weeeeeeeeny bit tanned, and I like it! Just that my chest area and back area are.. itchy because of the burn. heh heh.


I forgot to bring a big towel for the beach. So I put out the small towel and Gigi mocked at my stupidity. After which, I couldn't take it and went to the tourist shop and got a blardi overpriced PINK bubble mat. But it's cooling and nice so I don't mind. And it shakes sand off easier than with a towel.


Saw this really adorable kid who he kept smiling at me, but turned the other way whenever I put up my camera to take a picture of him. Well, helps that the father is rather cute. Little boy is called Phoenix. He smiled shyly, then giggled, then laughed, then I took my camera and he turned the other way. bleah. I like it when kids are obedient and polite and shy.


While waiting for Gigi, I saw this man playing with his daughters, and then one of them hugged his leg, demanding to be carried. Then the other, not wanting to be left out, tugged at his berms, and he bent down to carry her as well. I want to find a man who's sweet enough to spend time with the family, to take care of the children, and be strong enough to lift them both. hur hur hur. What am I thinking about?!



Okie, so I don't exactly have a good figure, but well, Gigi is very well endowed so I hope that makes up for my lack of ... you know what.

K i'm pretty shagged still from this morning. Gotta go crash a little.

xoxo,
jenn

::sentosa::

Headed down to Sentosa with the boobalicious Gigi today, and had a bit of time to think things through. And being the forgetful me, I applied sunblock generously everywhere... except on my chest area. And. I am burnt.

Well, what can I really say or do? :)

More pictures when... GIGI SENDS THEM TO ME!

*ROOOOOOOOOARRRRRR*

::another story::

An unexpected phone call came in the wee hours of the morning, and somehow that call made me really happy even though I was woken up. :)

*****

So I went on flight, and the Boss remembered me.

"Eh you look familiar. OH! You are the silly girl I flew with to Seoul!"

Why am I always the "silly" one?

*****



Attended Common.Voices' 2nd performance last evening, and I only managed to hit the second half with 4 songs to go. I guess CV's concert is the only valid reason for all of us (including people who always fly aeroplane) to meet up. I guess it's not easy to maintain any kind of relationships, friendship included, and to be friends for... say... almost 12 years since secondary school... it's really something, eh?



Then again, some of us, even when we've been missing from one another's lives, can still hit off like old pals. It's amazing how some of us have changed, and even more amazing how some people don't change at all! Honestly, I miss being in secondary school, the dozing off in Bio lessons, Chilli and I scribbling songs on MY TABLE, hiding textbooks in the most creative way possible, running up and down to borrow textbooks... the memories are still vivid in my mind.

Then we talk about friends getting married. Marriage seemed a faraway thing in the past, but now, everyone is getting hitched. Even those whom we never thought would settle down have already settled down.



So we are the primary school mates. I guess we only knew one another in Primary 3 or 4, so that made us.... friends for almost 15 years! Then Ivy wanted to take a picture of her "Shuqun-ers" but I refused to let her use my camera. ANYWAY there are only 4 of you. I can be such a bitch. Hur hur hur.



We adjourned to my place after supper, a last minute decision which forced us to head back to Holland Village to get some wine and cheese JUST BECAUSE the lady driver (Ivy, not me) said so. And the normal thing: fussing over Charcoal when we reached. Wine, Ivy's question about my books (honestly, there are some books which I haven't even flipped open) and my lousy attempts at taking photos with the timer function. WHAT! How would I know that after each shot I have to reset the function!

A long day, a long night, but nothing beats the long friendship we all have.

Love you guys. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

One thing you should know about me (part 1)

... is never ask me questions before bedtime. Mind boggling questions like "Do lemons grow on trees?" "Why is a spaceship called a ship?"

At least I found an answer to the first question.

And questions I can't find the answers to leave me sleepless for nights on end. And then I'll get irritated.

*ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRR!*

Zzzzz...

Was given 2 extra days off, and was back at the airport to submit my MC yesterday.

The lady at the counter was rather nice and sympathetic, and said, "Where was the nice guy who accompanied you yesterday? How come you're alone today? Must ask your boyfriend to accompany you." I smiled and said he wasn't my boyfriend, but just a friend... and she said "Oh he was so concerned I thought he was with you. Anyway it's good to have someone in your life."

I smiled awkwardly and wondered if our staff had been tasked to do matchmaking at the side.

The wound seems like it is healing well, and I hope it will be ok by Thursday.

On another note, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I'M HEADING BACK TO PAKISTAN next montH! ... WHY?! Not that I don't like the place, but... WHY DO I HAVE IT so often!

*****

I don't have exclusive rights to anything.

:(

ouch. ouch ouch ouch.

Yeap.

I now have a characteristic mark above my right eyebrow. I am DISFIGURED. *sob*

Luckily the team boy said he'll marry me. Otherwise I will be left on the shelf. Got into a mini accident on board due to some unexpected circumstances and well, sigh. I became a victim of the blardi stainless steel tray.

All because I wanted to help my soon-to-be hubby keep the kueh lapis.

So now I am on MC, and have to forgo my long-awaited flight to Frankfurt. And to make me happy, the soon-to-be hubby said he will buy stuffs on my behalf.

hur hur hur.

I got activated for Auckland tomorrow, but honestly, I still feel a little woozy. Might wanna go see the doc again for another opinion.

SIGH.

I'm broke for this month.

where'd you go?

An sms came in earlier today, after my meeting with him. It hurts to know you're seeing someone else. I love you, and have loved you since forever. But I know it will hurt you more if we are together again. I love you.

I stopped in the middle of Orchard Rd and sobbed.

I love you too.

*****

Why do I throw caution to the wind, wear my heart on my sleeve, knowing that in the end it'll lead to nowhere but hurt?

Why do I feel this way, when I don't have the right to?

Yet I can't bear to let go. What am I holding on to? A tiny little sliver of hope?

I laugh at my silliness.

*****

I promise. If after work tomorrow the pain doesn't go, I will visit a specialist.

*****

Will you still love me in the morning?

Forever and ever, babe.

xoxo,
jenn

13...

...is not such a bad number after all.

13 is when Qian will be back home.
13 is when Yan will be back home.
13 is when QQ will be back home.

Happy.

*click!*

And yes, I am still alive. Survived the flight back as well, though the pain is CONSTANTLY there. WTF is wrong with my tummy?

I can survive pretty well alone, but it does feel good when there are men around to protect you. The simplest thing can really touch me, make me go (in Jacob's words) warm and fuzzy inside. Though I think most men behave that way, but it really feels good when they get protective and want to take care of you. So I felt warm and fuzzy inside on my way home from the airport. It feels nice. :)

Then it was a last minute decision for dinner, and off to movies with D and my buddY! Had to force, threaten, and bribe her into going down town. (Goodness gracious, I really didn't know that Cineleisure has converted their 9th level into gaming and movies as well!) So we watched 'Click!' and the movie evoked much thoughts in me. I was thinking and feeling rather melancholy and sad throughout the movie, and near the end I was sobbing. I can't remember which part about the movie started me crying, the part where he realised his father died or the part where he replayed the last time he saw his dad, or the part he ran out in the rain just to tell his son that family is more important... But as I was watching the part about the daddy, I thought about him and how he would have felt during the movie.

So I sobbed. And when the anti-climax came about, I sobbed harder. Both of them turned around to stare at me. WHAT! I was crying with relief CAN!?

Me thinks this is how life works. In the process of getting to somewhere, we often miss out on a lot of things in life. Just that day I was talking to someone, and he told me how he regretted not being around when his baby took his first steps, and how, in his quest for a better life, he missed the growing-up "KODAK" moments of his baby. And how much he would have given up just to relive that moment.

Many times I wished I could go back to a certain time in life, or to pause (momentarily) a moment that I know I would cherish. And it's odd, cos when I was young, I yearned so much to just fast-forward my life to the point when I start earning my own keep, being an adult... and now that I'm one, I wish I can slow down the speed that my life is flying past at. Or better, to go back to being young again.

Oddly speaking, Le Grand Voyage hovers around a similar meaning in life for me. But the movie was about how a man got to know and understand his father when he drove his dad to Mecca, over 3000 miles from the south of France. How his father tried to show him the realities of life, and its functions. A very thought provoking movie which I wouldn't mind watching over and over again.

Couple of nights back I was chatting with D online and asked him if I give out those "come-take-care-of-me" vibes. Then he said that I have that look where people just want to keep me in their pockets, protect me from the world. And... the ex said that before, the exact same words. Ah well.

And...

::jenn:: le grand voyage says:
do i have a "come take care of me" look?
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
nope
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
u have a come fuck me look

Thanks Gigi.

g'day mate!

*brrr*

Ok so I survived the 6 hr flight to Adelaide. And crashed once I reached the room.

Adelaide is nice, too bad the stay isn't long and I didn't really feel like going out. Thought I could make a trip down to Le Cordon Bleu Adelaide but the soul is willing the flesh is weak. Or should it be the other way?

Anyway... I'm high on medication. This is the first time I'm so hooked onto the doctor's words: No spicy food, no oily food, no alcohol, medicine before food, medicine after food, medicine on empty stomach... etc. I'm suffering from withdrawal already! Why is it that whenever I'm sick, my craving for junk food like McDonald's or KFC or even potato chips increases by the minute?

Even red wine! I can practically taste the wine in my mouth!

I'm going crazy.

*****

It's cold here, even with the aircon shut off... and I feel a little silly wearing socks with my shorts. Pink socks.

*****

Okie! Time for my "Le Grand Voyage" before I hit the bed.

Happy National Day.

Au revoir!
jenn

should i or should i not?

I wonder if I should take MC or not.

Feeling lighter (emotionally & physically) after my haircut. At least now someone notices it when I cut my hair. Caught a whiff of a familiar scent as I was walking down Orchard Rd and turned around, only to see J standing behind me.

Me: I smelt you!
J: Me TOO! But I was first, cos I turned around first.

Childish boy. Haha... I haven't met him since 2 years back, and he still makes me go weak in the knees and blush like a young schoolgirl. So we went for a short coffee session and he had to rush off to a meeting which, in his words, costs an arm and a leg to set up. A hug later, he was lost in the crowd. *sob*

How we have all grown.

Ok, gonna hit the bed before my flight to Adelaide tonight. Will be home on Thursday evening, then off till Sunday.

Meet up, anyone?

*muack*

argh..

Ok, so I managed to settle the video problem I had. Anyway, fever has subsided yet the pain is still there. Sigh. I hope I can bear with the pain for ... 6 hours?

It's been a while since I had a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. No dreams, no nightmares... and I welcome the rest!

Due for a haircut.. my hair's so long it's getting difficult to style for work.

*****

Attended Chloe's first month baby shower couple of months back, and because my monitor failed on me, couldn't post the pictures!



Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own.

*****

I'm off for a haircut! More pictures of Moscow when I come back.

xoxo
jenn

ouch!

Got back from the hospital not too long ago and am now painting my nails!

Ooooh, I finally got my new monitor! Though I adore my iBook, but editing word documents on that tiny little screen ain't a fun thing to do.

Oookay. So this morning I went Mustafa Centre to do some early morning/ late night shopping with D, and we went to have some breakfast. Silly me forgot my tummy wasn't really awake enough for cold "teh-ping" and I finished the whole cup with gusto, despite it being a tad too sweet. Came home with diarrhea and then the nightmare started. Cowering with the sudden shot of pain every 5 minutes wasn't a fun thing to do. Started feeling really sick, and the pain didn't go even after a scrumptious lunch at KFC. So it went on, and on, and on, and then at night I couldn't take it and started crying while driving because of the pain.

And the doctor said that if my fever and pain don't subside by tomorrow, I have to admit myself into hospital for suspected stomach ulcers.

No alcohol, no smokies.

How can it be THAT serious?!

DAMN.

It still hurts. Hope I don't have to report sick tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

HOokay. My red red nails are almost dry. Time for bed. I am a good girl today. Early to bed.

painfully yours,
jenn

colourful shanghai...

HeylO! I'm back from Shanghai!

You know how.. sometimes you feel that you did a great job at work, and at times you really feel lousy about yourself? This is one of the few times that I felt I could have done so much better. And these few flights I've been feeling really under the weather.

Ah well.

Met up with Qian, who happened to be there as well. Called me when she woke up, and this was how our conversation went:

Q: Sheraton Tai Ping Yang right?
me: Yeah... you taking cab down?
Q: Yeap, what's your room number?
me: 618... i'll meet you at the reception.
Q: *silence*
me: hmm?
Q: dear, you know my room number is 618 too?

So she took the cab, a good 40 min ride all the way from Pudong to Puxi, where I was resided. Then it was a "I'm-hungry-and-I-need-food" shopping at the plaza opposite the hotel, and we bummed in my room over Choya, red wine, sushi and junk food.

So my plan to lose weight has been pushed back yet another day. And I foresee another day, and another day and another day...

Then we headed out after hours of bumming in the room, and then we forced ourselves to go out for a walk. Hopped onto a cab and got ourselves to Xin Tian Di, a really nice place to chill, food and all. Wished we could stay longer, but she commented I couldn't keep my eyes open and we left for home.



I know the photos suck, but that's the best my handphone could handle cos our sweet little lass Qian drained her camera out of batt by taking narcissistic photos of herself.

*hur hur hur*

In a kissy mood today.

MUACK~!

xoxo
jenn

someone from the familiar past...

"You haven't changed, Jenn."

"hmmm? Older, perhaps?"

"You're still you, your looks and everything... the vibes you give out. The crazy wild you. Still the same as before, when I fell in love with you years back."

"Ya right. I'm older, and probably jaded. Fatter perhaps."

"Would you consider me then, if you weren't with him?"

"Hmmm, I wouldn't know. Anything could happen, couldn't it?"

"Would you consider me now, that you aren't with anyone?"

"I don't know. Anything can happen."

*****

Bittersweet love.

*****

I love reading National Geographic. I love the pictures within and sometimes I wonder how photographers capture the hurt and the pain in someone's eyes. It fascinates me.

*****

Off to Shanghai tonight, then back on Sunday afternoon. Can't wait to meet up with Qian there, and probably off to drinks and music.

夜上海。

xoxo,
jenn

::replacement::

I'm always the replacement people, the space filler. The one who people go to when they need to fill time in between slots. But we all are guilty of finding people to fill in the spaces in our lives one time or another.

Just probably it's happened to me more than "one time or another".

The number of times I've been prepositioned propositioned by men who are married or attached are so many times more than nice and simple single men it's not funny and I'm starting to wonder if I just give out that kind of vibes.

Hur hur. Doomed for a life of being second-best.

Hokie. So I'm now a little nearer to removing that BIG "P" sign next to my name, and starting to wonder what I'm going to do with my life. Oh yes, it's still toooo early to say, but then, no harm planning way way ahead right?

Laugh all you want. I know I'm never a planner, but I can still try planning for that wee-little bit of free time I have ok!

I am planning to go back to dancing. I've done ballroom cha-cha, waltz, tango, salsa... a little of exotic dance... And now I'm thinking of doing pole dancing. Anyone wants to go with me? Ever since Paul won the scholarship to US to learn dancing full-time, I've been wondering if I should have pursued my interests in music and the arts. I ran my fingers on the ivories today, and despite not having practiced on the piano for so long, it's good to hear that I still play pretty much a-ok.

There're so many things I want to do!

frustrated,
jenn

*edit: propositioned...not prepositioned. heh.*

Kiss - Because I'm a girl...

One of the songs which can make me cry like a dam let loose.

First saw the MTV when it first came out, and even though I didn't know what the lyrics meant, the MTV was enough to touch me. I found this MTV with the English subtitles... and now it made me cry even more knowing what the lyrics meant.

One line though, was extremely funny. "Although I will curse you I will miss you." hur hur. Case of translation gone .. wrong.

Still...

I wonder how it feels like to see through the eyes of the person you love. Would the world still look the same? Or would the world look brighter in your eyes?

I wonder.

kiss.

Japan overdose...

Back-to-back Japan flights are not good on the wallet and figure. I just OD-ed on 100 yen shopping, Japanese snacks, food, and I've had enough of the TV channels there.

Glad to be home somehow. Yet not.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm off to Ikoi. DAMN. More Japanese food.

I so love love love soba noodles. I'm addicted.

*****

Did some really crazy shopping in Narita with the teamies, then I dragged them to the temple with me. We bummed around for a while, and though there was nothing much to do, we drove ourselves crazy by dragging one another out of the 100 yen shops.

I'm happy for nice teamies.

*****

Many plans lined up for this week. Which is good.

Next up: Shanghai! Normally I doubt I would be that happy to do that flight, but I'm seeing Qian!

Ok, i should be off to bed. Tired.

xoxo
jenn

you've got mail!

An sms came in from a dear friend currently in Frankfurt, and it was really sweet and touching, it made me smile...

I am happy for friends who care...

:)

satisfied.

xoxo
jenn

jenn's wisecrack of the day:

It's so much easier to find someone you want to fuck for the rest of your life than someone who will hold your hands for the same lifetime.

wisely yours
Jenn

::sadomasochism::

I never realised I am still capable of feeling such pain after even such a long time. Yet this pain is oddly soothing. Like I used to always say, pain is an addiction, a harsh reminder that I am still human, still alive.

Probably I am the only person I know who always fall for the wrong men, having wrong men fall for me, breaking hearts, mending hearts, a vicious repetitive cycle which only makes me more jaded with each round.

But what is it that I want? I know not the answer.

Then again it hasn't been a factor, because I never bothered about what I want.

*****

The 5 off days have come and almost gone, and finally a team flight with some of the girls. Good to have familiar faces on board, and am going shopping (hopefully) in Narita again.

And... heh heh... when I come back, I'll be going to IKOI for the yummiest japanese buffet! But my darling Jacob says it's not that fantastic. STILL, i like.

Feeling better already... i think.

xoxo,
jenn

stories..

We all have our own stories to tell. Stories of happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger, despair... I remember times when I sat down at roadside cafes, watching the world go by. And I wonder what lies beneath each and every single person who walked down that road that day, who walked into my view. The man who stood at the traffic light looking impatiently at his watch, waiting to cross; the girl biting into a sandwich as she strolled on, stopping as she picked up a call; the young couple laughing as they walked past; the Caucasian man looking puzzled as he stared at the map... I wonder what their stories are, I wonder what they have to tell.

I have my own stories, my own secrets. I'm not ready to share, because words fail me. But if I bare my soul to you, will you listen?

It's ironic how, as someone with prior experience doing marketing and public relations supposedly good with words, it is always difficult for me to put into words about my feelings and what I want. In a way, I never wanted to share how I really feel or what I really want because I don't want to feel too exposed, nor do I want to make someone feel obliged into doing something or changing to suit my likes and expectations. But sharing is a two-way thing... something which I stopped doing since.. a long while ago. And I doubt I'll be doing it again anytime soon.

So. What's your story?

*****

As weird as it sounds, I love the smell of cigarettes in aircon. Probably because it reminds me of my childhood, when Dad used to smoke chimneys. The bedroom always smelt of cigarettes, always smelt of Dad. I've gotten into the habit of lighting up a ciggie whenever I am overseas and let the smell infiltrate into the hotel room (and of course, I do it only if I'm allocated a smoking room), and it just makes me feel a lot at home.

*****

I wonder why when we cry, there's always an aching feeling in the chest. At a time when most people I know are sleeping, I am still wide awake. My tears have dried up and I guess it's time to move on. So long as the people I care for are happy, nothing else kinda matters.

xoxo,
jwnn

Los Angeles.

It was HOT.

Not HOT in the damn-you-should-be-there kinda thing, more I-am-sweating-buckets kinda hot.

Didn't manage to go out as planned with this American guy I met, because I was jet-lagged. Yes, laugh all you want. I thought jet-lag never happens to me, but well, I should be biting my words now. BECAUSE, I reached home at 3am, finally fell asleep at 5am and it was 8am when Charcoal hopped onto my bed and woke me up.

Oh. And a pleasant surprise awaited when i reached home. King Charcoal peed on my bed, leaving a freaking disgusting yellow stain by the time I got home. Luckily the mattress had a protective cover, so I need not discard this %&*(@# expensive queen-sized bed.

So now I am very jet-lagged.

This Tokyo-LA trip was the last team flight for this team that I flew with, and I could feel their sadness at the end of the flight. The crazy drinking session in Tokyo got everyone in laughter with silly antics and all, with the effect of alcohol. At the end of the flight, we took crazy photos outside the gate, and everyone was happy. I really enjoyed this flight, though it was a tad too long away from home. Still, I yearn for more flights with such fun and crazy people. They really make the trip a lot more fun.

*****

Managed to do a little shopping in LA, wanted to visit Orange County, but didn't know how to get there with the vague instructions from the locals, so gave up on the idea. Oh! And I found my favourite chocolate shop in Glendale!!! See's Candies!!! I went in and got a sugar high just by staring at the chocolates.

Well, so the next thing I did was to buy my favourite lollies~!! *heh heh*

On the flight from LA to Tokyo, I met this guy on board who, during our conversation, when he heard I wanted to visit Orange County, gave me his contact details so on my next trip to LA, he could bring me around.

Then in Tokyo, I went in search of the 100 yen shop, and somehow got lost. So with my very limited Japanese, I manage to seek the help of a young couple, and, they brought me all the way there even when they had planned to go elsewhere. So with my "half-past-six" Japanese and their limited English, we had a really weird but funny conversation. Of course, when we reached, they shopped with me as well.

Sigh. Why are Japanese girls so gentle? Makes me feel really unrefined next to them. *sulks*

Ok, so it's off to Tokyo again on the next trip. But this time I'll at least fly with some girls on my team. Why don't I ever get team flights!?

*****

On another note, I'm gonna meet Qian in Shanghai!!! Can't wait to see her again.

Ok, I think I need to at least try to sleep.

It's 10 am.

Stupid jet lags.

xoxo,
jet-lagged jenn

title? what title?!

I wonder what has gotten into me recently.

I was always known as the one without any temper, and used to have the temper of a nun going into recluse (ok, so I don't know what the temper of a nun in recluse is, but you get the drift), and now, I think my temper is as short as the wick of a birthday candle.

So I am having PMS. So I am feeling irritated. So I am feeling grouchy. So what?

Never used to blame my temper on PMS. Never want to. But still, around the doomed day my temper fluctuates. I hate this. But everything around me irks me. Especially... ah well. Forget it.

*****

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok I feel better.

*****

Will be leaving for Narita later, and then to Los Angeles. Back next Wed in the dead of the night.

I want to go drink. I miss drinking wine.

I am suffering from alcohol withdrawal.

Someone save me!

Anal-ly yours,
Jenn

to: you.

I know you read what I write whenever you can.

Please.. let me go.. Don't make me hate you for what you have done.

It wasn't easy for me to let those memories go either, but holding on to them selfishly isn't going to work out for either of us.

Please.

Let me go.

ex-Friends...

I know of many who can remain good friends with their ex-es.

I wonder why I haven't been able to. Is it my fault that things turned out this way? Did I make things bad for him and I?

Really envy those who are still chummy with the ex-es. He was a really close friend of mine, and the fact that we're no longer friends kind of triggered some sadness in me.

Ah well. Life goes on.

Will be away in Amritsar (if you don't know where it is, go Google Earth it out) later, and back early Saturday morning.

xoxo
jenn

(edit: I just read this, and I dare say it just summed up what I am feeling.)

Another personality test....

Well.... Qian passed me this link and i found it pretty accurate....

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

My life is...

... full of lies.

I hate liars.

*****

Why? Why? Why?

It hurts and yet it doesn't.

I'm confused and yet not.

*****

You're slowly losing me.

*****

I so wanna be loved.


xoxo,
jenn

Murphy's Law is....

... just a big fat silly disclaimer.

xoxo,
jenn

finally home.. once again.

I'm finally home from Moscow.. and well, it's been a really good trip with a bunch of very fun crew. Got a call which made me really upset, not over him, but how he still feels that he could manipulate me with his words..

But tired... need sleep.

Happened to hear this song which... reminded me of myself...

::Iris:: by GooGoo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me some how.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am......

Dubai - Moscow from 26 Jun to 3 Jul...

My lovely darlings...

I will be away from tonight till next Monday....

See you all when I get bacK!

xoxo
Jenn

Mememeeeeeeeeee.

Since everyone's doing this... here goes.

If you comment on this post:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

I love the World Cup...

... and I've been losing sleep over the matches.

Sigh. I can't sleepppppp.

And I'm so tired. My right ankle is starting to hurt again. Stupid old sports injuries.

:(

I need tender loving care.

xoxo
jenn

I miss....

... climbing trees and getting stuck there until grandpa carried me down.
... jumping into the pool after the morning walk.
... flying kites with grandpa.
... running to grandma's house after school to wait for mum.

... being able to leave class early just because we had choir rehearsals on that day.
... hanging outside the classrooms chatting with friends above and next to us.
... falling in love for the first time.
... sneaking textbooks from other classes.
... falling asleep in Biology class.
... standing up for one another as a class.
... bowling sessions or KTV sessions after school.
... eating Long John's at JEC.

... sitting outside TP bookstore in between classes, eating our favourite Little Chef cup noodles.
... slogging over the computer on our first Excel project.
... sitting in lectures trying to snack without making too much noise.
... being chummy with all our lecturers.
... cooking in Saffron.
... internship at The Regent.
... working with a good team of friends.
... eating at the tze-char stall opposite TP.
... overnight camps in TP.
... long strolls and conversations at Bedok Reservoir.
... chicken cutlet at Biz Park, muslim food in Design, jap in Mensa...
... sitting outside Jupiter Cafe watching time pass.

... working in a hotel.
... being around people who really care.
... working long hours doing things I really love.
... feeling accomplished and satisfied.

... having someone I can care for, and love.
... falling in love without any inhibition.
... being happy.
... cooking.
... lazy Sundays at the beach.

... meeting up the guys at Bt Timah for coffee and prata.
... watching soccer with the guys.
... my ex-movie kakis (YOU!!!!! sob. Now I have to find new ones.)
... hanging out with friends.
... being hopeful about everything.
... being in love.

But most of all...
... being myself.

xoxo
Jenn

Life is...

... full of contradiction. Ever made up your mind to never end up in a certain job, be with certain types of people, or do certain things, to end up being in that certain job, with those certain types of people, or doing those certain things?

I have.

Was in Kensington Park taking a walk when I saw a sign stating "No Cycling" and just on that path, I saw cyclists. Why bother putting signs when people are sure to still break them? I wonder.

*****

Have you been so unhappy that you cannot remember what happiness means? And you grow to be happy with being unhappy?

Someone posed me this question. And that probably summed up what I have been feeling the past few days. Or rather, weeks. More likely, months. OH who cares.

I guess I kinda forgot how happiness feels. Gone are the days when everything around me seemed bright and cheery no matter how grey they actually are. Gone are the days when I feel light, and not weighed down by anything at all. Gone are the days when I could laugh heartily and happily and just not give a damn to weird stares. Gone are the days when I feel carefree, and not be bothered by anything at all.

I just want to be happy again. But how can I when my heart is strongly guarded? How can I be happy when I don't allow myself that little bit of happiness?

Or where can I find my happiness?

What the f*ck am I babbling about?

*****

I miss watching soccer with the guys. I miss the lazy lounging at pubs, watching the matches on big screens. I miss drinking beer and being just one of the guys with the guys.

*****

I kinda like the smell of cigars.

*****
Some pictures from London...



And there you go! Xiao Chang and I in my room. Thanks for staying over dear. Though we've been friends only a short while, thank you for being there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to.



*****

Oh oh. And I saw this sign at the airport while waiting for my brother to touch down from Hong Kong (and OH WAIT. I AM STILL WAITING.)



Please refrain from sleeping in the establishment. Thank you for your cooperation.

NO SLEEPING OK!

No sleeping.
At all.

hur hur hur.

xoxox,
jenn

Back from London... one day earlier.

Was activated to come back one day earlier from London. Sigh. But I was glad to have been able to meet up with Xiao Chang!!! :)

Tired now. The good guy Kelvin came down to the airport to pick me up, and wrote my name on a big piece of paper. Silly boy. Somehow it feels good to have someone waiting outside the arrival hall, welcoming you back home.

The nice team boy was very sweet, came down early in the morning to send me off. Thank you!!! And sadly, no more team flights until... until.... I don't even know when. Bleah.

Gonna rush out for a while. More updates later!

Je me déteste!

La femme est triste.

Happened to chat to A over MSN before I left for Bali. He said that the ex's current gf resembles me in so many ways he felt weird.

I don't know how to describe the feeling I had after I heard it.

*****

I used to love cooking, and always cooked or baked for him... and it really felt great when he beamed and said he loved the food. Cooking used to be an act of love between us both... but now, I feel lethargic whenever I step into the kitchen to cook, and haven't been doing so for ages.

Probably should start baking stuffs again.

*****

Bali was alright, I didn't go for massage due to the back strain I had (which, is now getting a lot better) and so I had a good sleep in the hotel room. Flight back was alright, slowly feeling I can handle short flights a lot better. I wondered what life would be like if i hadn't taken up this job. Would I find something I like? Would I be happy?

*****

Then came this Jakarta turn early this morning. Leading said I did a good job and commended me to my team IFS, but I felt really lousy on the way up. I thought I could do a lot better, but yet I don't know how. Almost wanted to give up. Hoped very much to see someone after the flight so that I could probably feel a little better, but never got the chance to. Good thing I had someone to accompany me and to hear me whine over lunch and coffee, and friends who are online to put up with my nonsense.

*****

I've evolved into a boring person!!! My off days are spent mostly at home sleeping! What happened to activities?!

*****

I love long aimless drives, without any place in particular, just driving and driving and driving. I want to drive off the beaten track, admire rows of trees or the clear blue sky as I drive, or maybe on a jeep, drive into the wilderness, enjoy the bumpiness of the ride, feel the rain on my skin... feel the wind in my hair... have the sun's rays warm my soul...

Ah well, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.

*****

ARGH!

Ok, that scream was really random but I just wanted to let off steam. BOoOooOooOOOOOO.

I love it when Charcoal cuddles up to me in his sleep, and it feels good to feel him huddled against me. But I really don't appreciate the fact that he sleeps on my pillow with his ass facing my nose. And though I think he's smart to have learnt how to open the door, I wish he could close the door after him sometimes, because HE WILL STILL TRY TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN WHEN IT IS ALREADY OPEN! After which, he would strut in with an indignant look on his face. He is royalty at home. No one disturbs the Highness. No one tells the Highness what to do.

Now His Highness is staring at me. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't wait to get back from London so I can meet up with some friends. Oh dear. I haven't done the flight and I'm already looking forward to coming back.

*****

Come home quick Ah Fat and Yan. I miss hanging out with the gang.

xoxox,
Jenn

i give up.

I give up waiting for nicely rostered flights. The only good thing about the new roster is that I will be going down to Moscow. Sad thing, that I won't be going on flights with my team, and can't go out with my newly found travel companion.

Heading down to Sydney tomorrow... wonder what the flight would bring. I hope I survive tomorrow well.

Probably still feeling a little dejected about the new roster.

*****

Got tricked by the IFS on the previous sector from Shanghai, and was given the name Little Miss Naive on board.

I should really stop taking what people say at face value, huh?

*****

Met up with the 853 guys last night for a short dinner in Marina South and drinks at Cosy Bay. Brought back memories which I tried to fight back.


Vincent, Darren, Jacob & I

I miss training with the gang.

*****

I really should be sleeping now, as it's an early reporting tomorrow. But I just can't get to sleep.

I'm such a melancholic person, and I have a lot of memories inside me. Everytime I chance upon something that played a role in my life before, I would think of the past.

*****

I really shouldn't feel so attached.

*****

Was just chatting with Ah Fat, and in whatever relationship, it takes two hands to clap, both parties to make the effort to make things work. But, like I told him, as we grow older, somehow we put in less effort into making something work out. And then it comes the part on expectations. I don't know if I can live up to someone's expectation of me, and I wonder if I sometimes expect too much from someone, or anyone.

*****

Sometimes u need to just open ur heart a bit,
it's tough la.. esp after what u have gone thru.

I wish I could. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt all over again. I'm a coward. Life is about taking risks, but love is not a risk I think I can take.

xoxox,
jenn

crossroads..

I've got loads to say and yet I don't know what to say.

Laters. Woke up early and now got to prepare to bring Charcoal out for grooming.

xoxox,
jenn

the song which brought back memories...

From The Heart - Another Level

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love thats deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
Theyre staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save I'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one I'm living for.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all I got, with all I've got inside.

*****

Lost.

xoxox
Jenn

questions... without answers.

Him: You're seeing someone now?
Me: ??
Him: Is he good to you?
Me: Why ask?
Him: I still care, you know?
Me: Thanks for your concern.
Him: Do you love him?
Me: How, or rather, why should I answer that?
Him: How do you put down the past?
Me: Just like how you found someone new.
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: Does it really matter?
Him: Yes. Cos, I still miss you at times.

painting the town red...

... I wish. All that I am painting red are my nails.

Barely recovered from my bout of flu and went off to Taipei on Friday. Taipei was terrific! Jacob gave me a buzz in my room and tried to trick me with his lousy joke, and went up to his room to accompany him while he prepared for flight.

Met up with Shu'e, Huihui and Minghsia who were already there for the past 5 days and bummed in my room before we went on our eating and shopping spree in Shih Lin Night Market. I wanted to splurge on shoes but I was too spoilt for choice. We ate a lot, and walked down the streets before we headed back to Ximen Ding for a break.

I woke up in the morning with a fever and flu which had gone worse. Managed to work my way back to Singapore with a dripping tap in place of my nose. But the load was light, so there wasn't much of a problem.

Then it was meeting my lovely Qian, who came back from Doha for a short break. At Wala's, we bitched over alcohol, laughed at our own little experiences with different people, shared our life stories and our little comments about work. I wish she wasn't so far away, but then again, probably our distance apart made us really close friends today. Really love having her back, and I look forward to seeing her again sooN!!!

*****

Every country I go, I tend to buy more books to add to my collection of unread books. I think I should stop this "unhealthy" habit.

A photo collage I put together in a hurry....



*****

Can someone really love more than one person at a time? I hope not. But then again... probably I should stop deluding myself.

*****

WHERE IS VAL! I haven't seen her in the longest time! ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

jenn's quote of the day...

It's so much easier to walk away than to confront what's at hand.

I'm a coward. But I just can't face up to hurt.

*sniff sniff* *cough cough*

Had a tiny bout of flu before I left for Manchester, but I came back feeling really sick and lousy. It was a good thing that our team was scheduled to fly back as passengers, so I didn't have to work on my way back. The crew operating our flight back was really sweet, they knew I was ill, and fussed over me. I felt really pampered, and my very nice team boy took care of me during the flight.

Yes, I'm a sucker for attention and care when I'm sick. So what? :P

But yet sometimes I wish to be left alone still.

*****

Pictures of quiet town Manchester when I'm back online again. Right now, it's time to sleep.

Pitter patter pitter patter...

I kinda like Melbourne. I have no idea why. I've been to Melbourne more than 3 times, before I was flying and even now, yet I haven't grown tired of the city. But this time Melbourne was a little chilly, probably because it was near winter.


Flinders Street Station

Was supposed to meet up with George, but we had a change of plans last minute, so I went out strolling alone. Got stuck in a second-hand bookstore, where I bought 2 books (almost bought a lot more, if not for the fact that I have to save up some money). By the time I left the bookstore it was near dark, so I bought an ice cream and walked down to the park near Flinders Street Station. Was reading 'Almost French' by Sarah Turnbull and taking photos when this rather cute French guy came up to me. Phillipe was his name, and we spent the evening chatting in the park, then adjourned to the cafe for drinks and pastries. Very sweet gentleman, but then again, I don't know him well enough to judge.

*****

I picked up a leaf from the ground on my way back to the hotel. I thought it was pretty nicely shaped. But it dried up when I reach the hotel, so some of the edges have fallen off. Still, it looks pretty. I love autumn leaves.

*****

Did a Penang turn with my team yesterday, and it was the first time I met them. They seem nice, but I was, and still am, worried that I cannot really gel into the team. Will be meeting them for flight later to Manchester. And I woke up with a bout of flu. Hope things turn out well.

*****

It's not easy, eh?

Sigh.

Kena tagged. Bleah.

7 random facts about me:
1. I was really fat. Like REALLY FAT.
2. I actually am a closet nerd.
3. I have tons of books which I bought and haven't found the time to read.
4. I love dancing.
5. I used to love Smurfs, until I felt that they are pretty warped.
6. I HATE INSECTS WHICH FLY.
7. My comfort drink is hot Milo.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. George Clooney
2. Johnny Depp
3. Brad Pitt
4. Hugh Jackman
5. Robert Redford
6. Orlando Bloom
7. Antonio Banderas

7 qualities i want in a potential boyfriend:
can't think. I kinda gave up on potential boyfriends.

7 things that scare me:
1. COCKROACHES
2. lizards
3. Horror shows
4. losing loved ones
5. losing Charcoal
6. stupid insects which fly
7. planes which cannot fly

7 random songs at the moment:
1. You're beautiful / James Blunt
2. Same side of the moon / Corrine May
3. Sexed up / Robbie Williams
4. Bad Day / Daniel Powter
5. Goodbye my lover / James Blunt
6. If I kissed you / Corrine MAy
7. Safe in a crazy world / Corrine May

7 things i like the most:
1. Sitting with people I like, doing nothing at all
2. Reading my books or magazines
3. eating ice cream
4. Dancing
5. champagne, red wine or white wine, according to mood
6. Grocery Shopping
7. taking a road trip.

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. Go to Spain
2. take part in a piano concerto
3. Backpack around the world
4. Bring my parents to wherever they want to go
5. Travel to unknown places on earth
6. Sky diving
7. Mountain hiking

7 things i say the most:
1. I don't give a flying f***
2. WHAT?!
3. What the f***?!
4. Excuse me/ Sorry/ Please excuse me.
5. Mind your heads/ backs/ legs!
6. Thank you sir/ madam!
7. Shucks.

ROOOOARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just whine (again) about my lousy roster next month?

*****

Had a wonderful time in Beijing, K heard I would be bored there, then he took the really late night flight, and appeared at my door in the morning! We chatted over room service, and then he took the same flight which I was on back at night. We spoke a lot, after he disappearing from my life (or was it me from his life) for ... say... 3 years?

And then it was a short stay in Seoul, where I rushed out to fulfil some friends' shopping lists, drinking and eating, drinking and eating... Little wonder it is then, that my uniform seems tight now. Argh.

*****

The weekend was spent lazing and catching up on sleep at home. Met up with JH and QL for supper near my place. The two guys are finally near to graduation.. and we talked about how we've all grown and done things which we never thought we would have done. Would we have taken a different path if we had the chance to go back in time?

*****

Heard great news from Qian, and I wish her happiness. Hope this is the man who'll love you in the most perfect way possible.

I yearn to love, and be loved in return. Is that difficult?

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.

- George Sand -

Can you make me happy?

*****

Spent the morning with K again, and we wondered if things would have worked out if we had gotten together then. I thought not, but he thought otherwise. Still, he's changed and I've changed. Will things work out now?

I would rather be your friend forever. At least, then I would know that you'd always love me in your capacity.

*****

Same topics discussed with different groups of people, yet they all say the same. I shouldn't think too much eh?

*****

Been really irritated since last night. I think I'm really tired, both emotionally and physically. I need a break.

xoxox,
jenn