Goodbye to food, glorious food....

I sold my freedom on Thursday.

Aunt and I went down to STC in the afternoon to sign the contract, and I saw a few batchmates, I think. Apparently there would be guys, so hopefully the class is more lively. So there goes my freedom. It's almost like our guys serving NS, I mused to a friend recently. The 4-month training is likened to the men's 3-month BMT (basic military training), the graduation equivalent to their POP (Passing out parade), my 6-month probation is, perhaps, their stint with OCS, SISPEC, or wherever, and probation ends with a commissioning parade!!

Yes, I'm too freaked out by the bond.

The uniform is another scary thought. I went down on Friday morning with Mum for my uniform fitting, and... I almost died in the shop. Firstly, my waist was 25.5 inches. I never had that kind of waist before, I always measured it as 27 inches and though usually I would be happy at that loss of inches around my flabby waist, yesterday was exceptional. The uniform had to be like a second skin, and during the fitting I had difficulty breathing. I think I was complaining too much about the lack of air until the seamstress agreed to add on 1 inch to the measurement around my chest area.

Goodbye lovely food. Goodbye.

Joey held her wedding dinner last night, after being married for about 2 years already. I was given the honour of helping her at the reception with the seating arrangements for Kenneth's family and guests. The other 2 ladies who did the reception arrangements with me were dressed in black too. She looked absolutely gorgeous last night, and because Kenneth is from the Air Force, he had his brothers in uniform to grace the event. Food was good, better than a lot of other places that I've been to, and the whole event was pretty heartwarming.

Oh, and because I had to rush from the uniform place to my hairstylist's place, then to the hotel, I changed in the car while I was driving, because I was late and freaking stuck in a jam.

Talented huh.

I did my makeup too.

I'm babbling away. I need to get clothes for my training, and some shoes. Sigh.

It's a lot of expenditure before I even start the job proper.

Argh.

I just want to get it over and done with.


Looking lethargic after reaching home.

It's funny how...

Funny how yesterday I allowed myself to think about him after a long while, while clearing up stuffs in my computer.

Funny how I was talking to Gigi about him, and what happened in the past.

Funny how on my way home, after the sinful indulgence, I suddenly had this thought that he would contact me.

Funny how he really did contact me after our last contact 2 months back.

Funny how I felt weird upon reading his sms-es.

Funny how our conversation was conducted over sms-es.

Funny how I still want to care for him despite all that has happened.

Funny how I want to hope that he still loves me.

Funny how I know that he doesn't anymore now that he has someone new.

Funny how he confided a little in me about his problems.

Funny how I thought about the past while chatting with him over sms.

Funny how I was reminded by the hurt he inflicted on me.

Funny how I went to bed with thoughts in my mind.

Funny how I know that he wouldn't remember ever chatting with me.

Funny how I still have a soft spot for him.

Funny how I know I shouldn't.

Reasons why my diets always fail #2

I love chocolates.

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Met up with Amy and Huiling for a chocolate buffet at The Fullerton. I had to hold myself back from the buffet table, the fondue fountain.

Damn it.

Chocolates are sinful. I ONLY had one slice of rich chocolate tart, and a slice of chocolate cake, and one cheesecake and one tiny scoop of bread pudding. I could have eaten more, if not for the fact that I need to watch my weight.

Damn.

The girls and I gossiped about work, ex-colleagues and our 'plans' for the near-future. I couldn't see what goes beyond 2 years, and somehow I don't intend to think too much abt the future now.

Am I excited about the new change in my life? I have no idea. At all.

Damn.

Chocolates give me a high, and now I can't get to sleep.

I shall diet tomorrow. At least I will try to.

Random ramblings...

I've finally gotten my contract from SIA. From Thursday onwards, my freedom will be sold to SIA for 2 years. The road from now on seems a little fuzzy, and unclear.

Since young, I've never thought I would be an air stewardess, because I was fat as a child, and I had other plans.

Perhaps now, that I'm feeling a little more jaded than I should at my age, my thoughts have changed. I've always wanted to be a career woman, to work really hard and climb the ladder, then I realised, life is just too short. Call me lazy but it really seems hard to be able to work up the ladder and then provide my family with a comfortable life.

And perhaps, it's also got to do with the fact that I'm single now, my priorities have changed. I preferred a ground job as it would allow me to be able to get married earlier, start my family earlier but ever since things happened, getting married is not my priority anymore.

Then comes all the stories about bombings, natural disasters, and I realised life is just that short. I don't want to slog all my life and then realise I don't have time to savour the fruits that I reaped. I might as well enjoy the present, provide for my family now as much as possible, and then live life a day as it comes.

I still don't know what I feel towards this job, given it being stereotyped as a brainless career, but mum and grandma seemed very happy that I got it, so I guess I should be happy. No doubt the money's good, plus I get to travel, but I really don't know what it would bring me in terms of satisfaction.

*edit: I forgot to add that Gigi is very happy for me too, so I should be happy as well.
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To "celebrate" my new life, I decided to clear out some documents in my computer. I finally opened the folder which I had put off looking at after so long. I read the letters and chat logs we sent to each other once, before we were together, during the time we were together, and after. I had to fight back the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the tears, but it wasn't that difficult after all.

I pondered as I hovered the mouse over the Recycle bin on my desktop. For a while, I wondered if I would regret deleting the memories from my computer. I paused, I hesitated. Then I cleared the bin. Memories will be kept in my heart and mind. Maybe one day I will forget abt them, maybe one day I will replay everything in my mind. But for right now, I don't want to think about it.

It was good while it lasted, at least I loved him in the best way I could have.

-------------

I found this poem while I was clearing through the trash on my computer.
Pretty sums up what I am feeling now I guess.

"You were always so perfect to me,
so soft and gentle,
cherishing you instantly,
without a second glance,
I never distrusted those eyes,
that lied to me continuously,
I promised you I'd always try,
but slowly you were losing me.

I would always have given you anything,
just to keep your interest,
stopping my heart from remembering,
all the pain you caused,
I never pulled away from that kiss,
that held a painful hint of truth,
Maybe you'd be too hard to miss,
so I said I was still in love with you.

I wanted more than just the infatuation,
that you found in me.
You said love was only a distraction,
that you really didn't need,
so I cried myself to sleep,
knowing the times we shared must end.
You couldn't let emotion run deep,
you said you made love to me, as a friend.

But eventually, my love,
friendships fade, too,
and I can't make love and walk away,
pretending I don't love you.
Never once did I push you away,
but everything comes to end,
so all that's left to say,
is goodbye,

I loved loving you, my friend."
- Amber White

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Maybe Charcoal is actually a skunk in disguise. His farts are totally potent, and can kill ants from afar.



Told you he's a skunk in disguise.

mantra.... mantra...

I shall not eat... I shall not eat... I shall not eat...

Mum is cooking in the kitchen NOW, and I'm feeling absolutely greedy for food.

No no no no no. For the past 2 weeks, I have put on 3 kgs. So it's time to lose weight. No more bread *sob sob* No more pasta *more sobs*. I am a carbo-lover, and to not be able to eat carbo, it's HELL!!!

Argh! But I will be starting work in an industry where brawns matter more. It's time to look after my looks (wahahaha) before I look out of shape.

I'm still waiting for that mail.

Damn.

-------

Damn, I am such a glutton. I eat and eat and eat and my mum has been nagging at me to stop eating that much.

Must be the pre-menstrual cravings.

ARGH!

Dinner with the guys..

Been a long time since I met up with the guys. So Yan, QQ, Ah Fat, Sam and I decided to meet up at the newly revamped Marina Square this evening for dinner. Oh mon Dieu, the whole place was soooooooo huge I almost got lost.

Then it was a 15-minute search for a free table at the foodcourt. Although there are so many food outlets there, all of them were fully packed. We learnt about larvae growing in pails, courtesy of Yan and QQ. We talked about what I might be expecting in the upcoming months to come, about why I had to watch my weight, about what their plans are...

And we fed cats.

There are always a lot of cats around Ritz, and I remember feeding one family of cats about 3 years back with my subway sandwich. With Giant supermarket just nearby, QQ and I went to grab a tin of cat food and fed it to the cats. Yeah, I doubt we should be doing that, but the cats were really quite pitiful, walking around looking for food.

Ah well, I'm now in the waiting phase again. Now the mailbox. Though the answer and my decision is pretty confirmed, I am still pretty skeptical about what might happen before I sign the confirmation.

Of dogs...

Been pretty busy the past few days with projects, projects and more projects.

Jann and Shu'e went Bangkok on Thursday, and came back just today, and Jann decided to leave Joy Joy with us as there was no one to take care of her. Charcoal didn't take too well to Joy's presence... there were fights every 5 minutes. They would take turns to disturb each other, and they get jealous of each other if I carry either.

But slowly, I guess friendship blossomed between these 2 furkids, and they were able to be in a place without any confrontation. I found it pretty amusing to see them sleeping next to each other, their paws trying to push each other away for more space on the bed. And yes, poor me, I have to snuggle into a corner because they took over my bed.

And then, today Joy just left for home.

Mum cried (surprise, surprise!!!) when Joy had to go.
I felt sad when Joy had to go.
Charcoal was chewing on his new toy when Joy had to go.

The 2 lovely ladies bought yummy snacks and tons of stuffs for Charcoal!! THANKS BABES!!! :)

And now I miss Joy. I miss the sound of her loud loud bell running through the living room.

Sigh.

Perhaps I should get Charcoal a collar with a larger bell.

Finally...

Finally the long awaited call has arrived.

Now, some explaining to do.

Update again...

Waiting... and waiting.

I wish it will be over and done soon.

Tired of waiting and waiting and waiting.

A horrible sight to remember...

Sunday is the day that Charcoal gets to go to the West Coast Dog Run near my home. He knows it, and usually he would be extremely hyper about it. He would run from the door to my bedroom, take a peek at what I'm doing, then run back to the door to wait for me, and if I don't hurry up, he would run back to my room to rush me.

But today, Jann and I witnessed a very upsetting event at the Dog run. Charcoal was happily running about when suddenly a woman screamed. I quickly looked for Charcoal, and saw a husky with a poodle in his mouth. And, Charcoal was running towards the duo. I ran and grabbed him, then I saw the husky vigorously shaking the poodle with his mouth. The male owner of the poodle quickly tried to chase the husky away with a badminton racket, and I stood rooted to the spot, just meters away from what was happening. I wanted to help stop the fight, but I saw blood dripping down from the poodle. The husky shook the poodle like a rag doll, and finally let go.

The poodle lay limp on the ground, and then I realised it was dead. I cried, but silently. The owner of the husky, a female, stood with her dog a distance away. The female owner was pretty upset, crying and screaming away, whereas her two children were peering over their dad's shoulders, asking if the dog was dead. Male owner seemed pretty calm about it though. They left shortly after, with the dog limp in their hands.

Jann and I couldn't hold back the tears, and we left too, cos we had no mood to stay on, worried for the safety of our dogs.

I don't know what to think of the whole incident. I feel very upset, because as a dog owner myself, I know it will be very devastating to lose a dog... To me, Charcoal is not only my pet, but a part of my family. I've watched and read so much about dogs, and I knew to stop a fight, I should hold on to the dog's collar and hit it right in the middle of its eyes. But I didn't. I just stood deadrooted. What if it were Charcoal? What would I have done?

I feel that dog owners should be more responsible, and take care of their own dogs. At the dog run, we let our dogs run freely, but that doesn't mean we should let them out of our sight. We must protect our pets from others, and vice versa. The owner of the poodle didn't react fast enough, but I guess he didn't expect it to happen. The owner of the husky didn't appear till much later, but I guess too, she didn't expect it to happen. But when things happen, where were they?

I'm babbling, because I'm just so affected by this whole episode and can't stop tearing whenever I think about the poor dog.

I wished I had done more.

I wished I had punched that husky to stop the fight.

I wished I hadn't been so selfish to protect just Charcoal alone.

just... wondering.

Am I one step closer to a dream or one step further from a career?

Why my diet plans always fail...

I love KFC.

Of diets and detoxing...

Mum: Girl ah, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight ah?
Me: (eating chocolates) Ah.... I don't know leh. Don't really feel like eating tonight.
Mum: Why? You are going out?
Me: (starts to open a packet of potato chips) Not going out, feeling lazy. I'm actually trying to detox, and am on a diet.
Mum: With chocolates and potato chips?!
Me: Chocolates make me happy when I'm depressed about not able to eat anything else. Potato chips give me the energy now that I don't eat much meat.

Now you see why I never lose weight.

Of exam results and farting.

A friend sent me an sms saying that results are out on the website... I choked on my Milo... crossed my toes, fingers, eyes and prayed that I passed the exams.

As you all can see, I tend to be very lazy relaxed during the exams, because exam time is the best time to recuperate from lack of sleep and rest... and therefore I go into the exam hall with whatever is left in my head. And, I don't stay in the exam hall for too long. No point checking your answers over and over again, if you're wrong, you're wrong.

So before I logged in to the system, I told myself If I pass my subjects for last term, I promise to work hard for this term. I will work very very hard. Just let me pass. and a sense of deja vu washed over me.

And... and... I realised I say this to myself every term, whenever I am checking results.

BUT! I passed!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!! So I shall try to work hard this semester, anyway it's my final lap.

------

I wonder why dogs fart. I wonder why Charcoal farts A LOT. Especially in his sleep.

And especially when he's next to me sleeping while I am doing work.

EXTREMELY potent.

Must be the apples I fed him.

-----

Ok! I shouldn't be blogging too much right now. Just came back from a project meeting, and so since I promised myself to work hard this semester, I shall start on my project soon now.

Before I start slacking again. Which I foresee to be quite soon.

I wonder...

I wondered why, then, when you always made me cry
I held on to our love steadfastly.
I wonder why, now, when you're no longer here
I still hold on to that love selfishly.

I wondered why, then, when you lied to me time and time again
I believed you and grasped tightly that trust.
I wonder why, now, even when you're not here
I have that bit of trust still.

I wondered why, then, when we were upset with each other
I held on to that hope of our future.
I wonder why, now, even when you have someone new
I am holding on to that hope still.

I wondered why, then, when you broke my heart
I loved you all the same.

But I wonder why, now, even when you no longer love me
I love you still.

Of friends... and work....

The other day, I popped by SPH to visit old colleagues. The warmth of that big family at the counter reigns still, though a few friends were not there.

That got me thinking about how important environment is when it comes to work.

I like the feeling of belongingness, the feeling when in the morning, you feel like you're going to meet a family at work. The feeling of knowing that there are people supporting you if you should fall, of knowing that there are people who will share your sorrows.

I miss the times we spent hours chatting in the discussion room, over our S55 and emails, the after-work chat across the counters.

Even though there are times when I felt unhappy about the working attitudes of some other colleagues, I still enjoyed my stay there.

It was this feeling of belongingness which made me feel very much reluctant to leave the big family.
And the lack of this same feeling in the next job which made me leave after one month's stint.
Now that I'm doing freelance, that feeling is replaced by my time spent with my family.

But now I look back, the friendships made... seemed to have weakened over time. We don't seem to be in very much contact with one another, just the occasional chats over MSN, the once-in-a-while SMS-es, and I do miss them a lot.

And a few times some suggested meeting up, I was unable to make it due to classes, or I had to meet my clients at the last minute.

I wonder why I didn't make the first move to keep contact. Was I afraid of rejection? Was I waiting for them to make the first move instead?

Perhaps I should give them a call.

Bloopers bloopers

Qian just told me about this...

I shouldn't be writing it down... but I just can't help it.

Go Google, type Failure in the search field, and click on I'm Feeling Lucky.

My guess is most of you already know of this, but... heh heh.

Comme d'habitude ...

A French song I recently heard... somehow... it describes what I feel, at times.

Excerpt:
Comme d'habitude
Et puis le jour s'en ira
Moi je reviendrai comme d'habitude
Toi, tu seras sortie
Pas encore rentrée comme d'habitude
Tout seul j'irai me coucher
Dans ce grand lit froid comme d'habitude
Mes larmes, je les cacherai
Comme d'habitude

Comme d'habitude, même la nuit
Je vais jouer à faire semblant
Comme d'habitude tu rentreras
Comme d'habitude je t'attendrai
Comme d'habitude tu me souriras
Comme d'habitude

Translation:
As Usual
And then, the day will go on
Me, I will return, as usual
You, You will leave
But yet return, as usual
I will always sleep alone
In this big cold bed, as usual
My tears, I will hide them
As usual

As usual, even at night
I will pretend
As usual, you will return
As usual, I will wait for you
As usual, you will smile at me
As usual.

As usual, I will wait...

She sits by the window

She sits by the window
Wind in her hair
She thinks of the past
And silently she weeps

She looks out the window
Sun in her eyes
Tears glistening as they fall
Oh! Sorrowful is her life

I am very much alive

Yes yes, I know I've been away for pretty long... but was down with a bad bout of flu last week and am still recovering. Sadly, I haven't lost any weight despite not having the appetite to eat. Porridge and water do no good to diets. At least for me. Damn.

Been busy eating, catching back my appetite, sleeping, lazing around.

Yes, I am turning very much into a couch potato.

Nothing interesting comes into my mind now, just some updates at the moment. Tomorrow ok? :P

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I have started picking up salsa, and I thank my lucky stars and moons that I can still remember the steps. Otherwise I would be stepping on my classmates' feet.

Dancing is therapeutic. At least for that few hours that I'm dancing, I forget about what is wrong in my life.

Sometimes I wish I could just forget about earning money and dance or sing my whole life away. But I doubt it's possible.

-----

French lessons are going on great, and I am now thinking about going over to Paris for a couple of months to study the language and pick up some guys.

Speaking about it, I gotta rush off to complete my French assignment.

Au revoir!