changes...

I was having a chat with a long time friend, someone whom I haven't really spoken to, not because we are busy, but rather because a part of me didn't want to.

We've changed. But you changed so much faster than I can keep up. I lost hold, and perhaps that's why we're not the close friends we once were. I still remember the times when you, Aloy and I had fun running the student group. The time where you were a caring boyfriend to my best friend.

I'm not a perfect person either, but I try not to hurt people I love. It is not for me to judge if you've tried your best, but our friendship faltered.

Where are you? Where had you been? I really missed the funny and witty you, the one where you were less distant. Where did you go?

Halfway during our chat, you disappeared, like you always do.

I wish I still know you.

I hate having to think about titles.

I haven't clubbed in a long long time, and now I feel like doing it every week. Hahaha...

It's my first time at Club Momo, though I've walked past it several times and never went in cos either the crowd was HUGE or my friends refused to step in. Despite less than favourable reviews about the club, I enjoyed myself pretty much! Think might go there again the following week, IF I can afford it. My Indian friends are really HOT dancers, they can dance as if they do nothing but dance! They never seemed to need any time-out from dancing. Had a great time though, but during the night I was pretty pissed with guys who just brushed past and SMACKED my fat butt. I got pinched too, dammit.

Still it was a great night, and I still have to say my Indian friends are super HOT.

-----

On another note, I had a chat with the ex just a couple of days back online. What struck me weird was that when I was chatting with him, I just didn't feel the way I felt in a couple of posts back. Maybe I just miss the feeling of having someone to ... er.... love? But the conversation, albeit just a normal one, made me realise I don't love him the way I did anymore. Well, at least now I know that the once-in-a-while-but-recently-quite-often feelings didn't mean much.

That said, I still miss being part of a couple. It's great to have some intense relationship, where you fall crazily in love and forget about the rest of the world, do crazy things and not bother about what others say; throw caution to the wind and immerse yourself in love.... but the process where you have to get to know someone all over again, to understand that person well, it's pretty tiring.

I ever contemplated having a "part-time" boyfriend, but was worried that I might develop real feelings for the guy. Then again, it's good to have someone around. I kinda miss the physical part of being a couple: the caressing, the kisses, the hugs, etc.

MK said I'm turning guys off with my aloof look. But I don't have any aloof look! Damn it then, I'm doomed to stay single forever. Whatever.


::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
later i fall in love how?
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
u wun
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
cos u dun even allow urself to
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
i dont allow cos i'm afraid i will.
::jenn:: legs are crumbling... says:
hahaha
CoMpLiCaTed © weird weird one.. says:
its forbidden garden for u all over again

Gigi said forbidden garden. Hahaha, I like that.

Tired. Fatigue seeps into my...pores.

Everyday, I wonder what I did in the day which makes me feel lethargic, and drained at the end of the day.

I am tired. Really tired.

I am tired of having to smile when I don't feel like it. I am tired of having to try and be happy when I know deep down inside I am not. I am tired of having to psych myself into detaching my emotions every single morning when I wake up. Yet I am tired of having to hold all this baggage when I know I should have let it go long ago.

I don't know how to let it go, because I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to let it go, because I just don't know how to.

MK and LN came over today and we had a chat over food and wine. I got a little intoxicated, and kinda said more than I should have. But it was good. The wine was great. I wish I could be able to drink like this, without restrictions, without worries.

I hate having to put on that mask in the morning, try to act all bubbly and lively when I am not. I wonder if people can tell through my façade, if they could see through me.

A message sent to him received no reply on MSN. Yet his nick changes, a sure sign that he is at the computer. Why did I do that then? I have no idea.

Might be the wine. Must be the wine.

So far... So good...

Charcoal has upgraded his status to the master. He doesn't respond to his name now, except when we call him "Mr Tan", or "Mr Charcoal". Apparently, he's feeling all royalty. While I was bathing him just now, he was busy shaking himself dry and getting water all over me. I guess it's my punishment for not bringing him out today because the weather was not that great.

Training started on Wednesday, and it's been swell so far. My batchmates are a really cool bunch of guys and gals, so I'm looking forward to fun, fun and more fun! Well, at least apart from the studying and exams I'll be expecting too. Sadly, I've been "made fun" of my glutton-ness (is there such a word?) gluttony as I always think of food as someone else is speaking. That's me, no less.

To boot, I've finished 2 tubs of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. And a weight check on Monday. How. Nice.

I was chatting with JJ online as I was gorging myself with the ice cream, and we touched on the topic of relationships. I guess somehow, I would still want to be loved, and to love, someday, but not right now. That part of me had been shut off since a couple of months ago, and I don't think I'm willing to open it up again.

Thing is, by closing that part, I felt as if I were... emotionless. Void of feelings, I am. I could detach myself from all emotions, all thoughts, all feelings, and that made me feel so... cold. I have no idea whether I am happy but I can laugh and joke as if I were. I have no idea whether I am angry, but I can still smile as if I weren't.

I wish I were myself again, the once-emotional me that I was. At least I felt human.

Now....

I don't even know who I am. Or, if I actually want to know.


Where have the happier times gone to?

Edit: Sam told me it's gluttony, not glutton-ness. Dumb me. I forgot. heh heh.

A new chapter awaits...

This morning I went for my last français class. Au revoir mes amis, jusqu'à ce que nous nous revoyions! I know I'm going to miss them somehow, no quirky French teacher to poke fun at me, the 2 friends I've known, and the Nutella breadstick that I always try to avoid eating but fail... And hoping my French won't go down the drain. I'm going to miss Pascal, he's the cutest and most humourous teacher I've ever had. Sigh. Where to find another teacher like him?

Met up with Regina last evening for dinner at Marina Square. We sat at Swenson's for quite a while after dinner and wondered if we should eat ice-cream. It was a good thing we didn't... we found Ben & Jerry's at Suntec! I was ecstatic and hysterical and almost bought the whole shop for my sinful indulgence... Oh, you should try this flavor... Dublin-something. Can't remember the whole name though. A glutton doesn't remember the names of food; a gourmet does. So there goes my diet down the drain once again.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new chapter in my life and i really don't know how i should feel about it. Friends have been asking if I'm excited about the training, but all I feel is uncertainty. Just hoping that everything turns out alright.

À bientôt!

My last day in Alliance Française de Singapour

Goodbye to food, glorious food....

I sold my freedom on Thursday.

Aunt and I went down to STC in the afternoon to sign the contract, and I saw a few batchmates, I think. Apparently there would be guys, so hopefully the class is more lively. So there goes my freedom. It's almost like our guys serving NS, I mused to a friend recently. The 4-month training is likened to the men's 3-month BMT (basic military training), the graduation equivalent to their POP (Passing out parade), my 6-month probation is, perhaps, their stint with OCS, SISPEC, or wherever, and probation ends with a commissioning parade!!

Yes, I'm too freaked out by the bond.

The uniform is another scary thought. I went down on Friday morning with Mum for my uniform fitting, and... I almost died in the shop. Firstly, my waist was 25.5 inches. I never had that kind of waist before, I always measured it as 27 inches and though usually I would be happy at that loss of inches around my flabby waist, yesterday was exceptional. The uniform had to be like a second skin, and during the fitting I had difficulty breathing. I think I was complaining too much about the lack of air until the seamstress agreed to add on 1 inch to the measurement around my chest area.

Goodbye lovely food. Goodbye.

Joey held her wedding dinner last night, after being married for about 2 years already. I was given the honour of helping her at the reception with the seating arrangements for Kenneth's family and guests. The other 2 ladies who did the reception arrangements with me were dressed in black too. She looked absolutely gorgeous last night, and because Kenneth is from the Air Force, he had his brothers in uniform to grace the event. Food was good, better than a lot of other places that I've been to, and the whole event was pretty heartwarming.

Oh, and because I had to rush from the uniform place to my hairstylist's place, then to the hotel, I changed in the car while I was driving, because I was late and freaking stuck in a jam.

Talented huh.

I did my makeup too.

I'm babbling away. I need to get clothes for my training, and some shoes. Sigh.

It's a lot of expenditure before I even start the job proper.

Argh.

I just want to get it over and done with.


Looking lethargic after reaching home.

It's funny how...

Funny how yesterday I allowed myself to think about him after a long while, while clearing up stuffs in my computer.

Funny how I was talking to Gigi about him, and what happened in the past.

Funny how on my way home, after the sinful indulgence, I suddenly had this thought that he would contact me.

Funny how he really did contact me after our last contact 2 months back.

Funny how I felt weird upon reading his sms-es.

Funny how our conversation was conducted over sms-es.

Funny how I still want to care for him despite all that has happened.

Funny how I want to hope that he still loves me.

Funny how I know that he doesn't anymore now that he has someone new.

Funny how he confided a little in me about his problems.

Funny how I thought about the past while chatting with him over sms.

Funny how I was reminded by the hurt he inflicted on me.

Funny how I went to bed with thoughts in my mind.

Funny how I know that he wouldn't remember ever chatting with me.

Funny how I still have a soft spot for him.

Funny how I know I shouldn't.

Reasons why my diets always fail #2

I love chocolates.

----------

Met up with Amy and Huiling for a chocolate buffet at The Fullerton. I had to hold myself back from the buffet table, the fondue fountain.

Damn it.

Chocolates are sinful. I ONLY had one slice of rich chocolate tart, and a slice of chocolate cake, and one cheesecake and one tiny scoop of bread pudding. I could have eaten more, if not for the fact that I need to watch my weight.

Damn.

The girls and I gossiped about work, ex-colleagues and our 'plans' for the near-future. I couldn't see what goes beyond 2 years, and somehow I don't intend to think too much abt the future now.

Am I excited about the new change in my life? I have no idea. At all.

Damn.

Chocolates give me a high, and now I can't get to sleep.

I shall diet tomorrow. At least I will try to.

Random ramblings...

I've finally gotten my contract from SIA. From Thursday onwards, my freedom will be sold to SIA for 2 years. The road from now on seems a little fuzzy, and unclear.

Since young, I've never thought I would be an air stewardess, because I was fat as a child, and I had other plans.

Perhaps now, that I'm feeling a little more jaded than I should at my age, my thoughts have changed. I've always wanted to be a career woman, to work really hard and climb the ladder, then I realised, life is just too short. Call me lazy but it really seems hard to be able to work up the ladder and then provide my family with a comfortable life.

And perhaps, it's also got to do with the fact that I'm single now, my priorities have changed. I preferred a ground job as it would allow me to be able to get married earlier, start my family earlier but ever since things happened, getting married is not my priority anymore.

Then comes all the stories about bombings, natural disasters, and I realised life is just that short. I don't want to slog all my life and then realise I don't have time to savour the fruits that I reaped. I might as well enjoy the present, provide for my family now as much as possible, and then live life a day as it comes.

I still don't know what I feel towards this job, given it being stereotyped as a brainless career, but mum and grandma seemed very happy that I got it, so I guess I should be happy. No doubt the money's good, plus I get to travel, but I really don't know what it would bring me in terms of satisfaction.

*edit: I forgot to add that Gigi is very happy for me too, so I should be happy as well.
-------------

To "celebrate" my new life, I decided to clear out some documents in my computer. I finally opened the folder which I had put off looking at after so long. I read the letters and chat logs we sent to each other once, before we were together, during the time we were together, and after. I had to fight back the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the tears, but it wasn't that difficult after all.

I pondered as I hovered the mouse over the Recycle bin on my desktop. For a while, I wondered if I would regret deleting the memories from my computer. I paused, I hesitated. Then I cleared the bin. Memories will be kept in my heart and mind. Maybe one day I will forget abt them, maybe one day I will replay everything in my mind. But for right now, I don't want to think about it.

It was good while it lasted, at least I loved him in the best way I could have.

-------------

I found this poem while I was clearing through the trash on my computer.
Pretty sums up what I am feeling now I guess.

"You were always so perfect to me,
so soft and gentle,
cherishing you instantly,
without a second glance,
I never distrusted those eyes,
that lied to me continuously,
I promised you I'd always try,
but slowly you were losing me.

I would always have given you anything,
just to keep your interest,
stopping my heart from remembering,
all the pain you caused,
I never pulled away from that kiss,
that held a painful hint of truth,
Maybe you'd be too hard to miss,
so I said I was still in love with you.

I wanted more than just the infatuation,
that you found in me.
You said love was only a distraction,
that you really didn't need,
so I cried myself to sleep,
knowing the times we shared must end.
You couldn't let emotion run deep,
you said you made love to me, as a friend.

But eventually, my love,
friendships fade, too,
and I can't make love and walk away,
pretending I don't love you.
Never once did I push you away,
but everything comes to end,
so all that's left to say,
is goodbye,

I loved loving you, my friend."
- Amber White

-------------

Maybe Charcoal is actually a skunk in disguise. His farts are totally potent, and can kill ants from afar.



Told you he's a skunk in disguise.

mantra.... mantra...

I shall not eat... I shall not eat... I shall not eat...

Mum is cooking in the kitchen NOW, and I'm feeling absolutely greedy for food.

No no no no no. For the past 2 weeks, I have put on 3 kgs. So it's time to lose weight. No more bread *sob sob* No more pasta *more sobs*. I am a carbo-lover, and to not be able to eat carbo, it's HELL!!!

Argh! But I will be starting work in an industry where brawns matter more. It's time to look after my looks (wahahaha) before I look out of shape.

I'm still waiting for that mail.

Damn.

-------

Damn, I am such a glutton. I eat and eat and eat and my mum has been nagging at me to stop eating that much.

Must be the pre-menstrual cravings.

ARGH!

Dinner with the guys..

Been a long time since I met up with the guys. So Yan, QQ, Ah Fat, Sam and I decided to meet up at the newly revamped Marina Square this evening for dinner. Oh mon Dieu, the whole place was soooooooo huge I almost got lost.

Then it was a 15-minute search for a free table at the foodcourt. Although there are so many food outlets there, all of them were fully packed. We learnt about larvae growing in pails, courtesy of Yan and QQ. We talked about what I might be expecting in the upcoming months to come, about why I had to watch my weight, about what their plans are...

And we fed cats.

There are always a lot of cats around Ritz, and I remember feeding one family of cats about 3 years back with my subway sandwich. With Giant supermarket just nearby, QQ and I went to grab a tin of cat food and fed it to the cats. Yeah, I doubt we should be doing that, but the cats were really quite pitiful, walking around looking for food.

Ah well, I'm now in the waiting phase again. Now the mailbox. Though the answer and my decision is pretty confirmed, I am still pretty skeptical about what might happen before I sign the confirmation.

Of dogs...

Been pretty busy the past few days with projects, projects and more projects.

Jann and Shu'e went Bangkok on Thursday, and came back just today, and Jann decided to leave Joy Joy with us as there was no one to take care of her. Charcoal didn't take too well to Joy's presence... there were fights every 5 minutes. They would take turns to disturb each other, and they get jealous of each other if I carry either.

But slowly, I guess friendship blossomed between these 2 furkids, and they were able to be in a place without any confrontation. I found it pretty amusing to see them sleeping next to each other, their paws trying to push each other away for more space on the bed. And yes, poor me, I have to snuggle into a corner because they took over my bed.

And then, today Joy just left for home.

Mum cried (surprise, surprise!!!) when Joy had to go.
I felt sad when Joy had to go.
Charcoal was chewing on his new toy when Joy had to go.

The 2 lovely ladies bought yummy snacks and tons of stuffs for Charcoal!! THANKS BABES!!! :)

And now I miss Joy. I miss the sound of her loud loud bell running through the living room.

Sigh.

Perhaps I should get Charcoal a collar with a larger bell.

Finally...

Finally the long awaited call has arrived.

Now, some explaining to do.

Update again...

Waiting... and waiting.

I wish it will be over and done soon.

Tired of waiting and waiting and waiting.

A horrible sight to remember...

Sunday is the day that Charcoal gets to go to the West Coast Dog Run near my home. He knows it, and usually he would be extremely hyper about it. He would run from the door to my bedroom, take a peek at what I'm doing, then run back to the door to wait for me, and if I don't hurry up, he would run back to my room to rush me.

But today, Jann and I witnessed a very upsetting event at the Dog run. Charcoal was happily running about when suddenly a woman screamed. I quickly looked for Charcoal, and saw a husky with a poodle in his mouth. And, Charcoal was running towards the duo. I ran and grabbed him, then I saw the husky vigorously shaking the poodle with his mouth. The male owner of the poodle quickly tried to chase the husky away with a badminton racket, and I stood rooted to the spot, just meters away from what was happening. I wanted to help stop the fight, but I saw blood dripping down from the poodle. The husky shook the poodle like a rag doll, and finally let go.

The poodle lay limp on the ground, and then I realised it was dead. I cried, but silently. The owner of the husky, a female, stood with her dog a distance away. The female owner was pretty upset, crying and screaming away, whereas her two children were peering over their dad's shoulders, asking if the dog was dead. Male owner seemed pretty calm about it though. They left shortly after, with the dog limp in their hands.

Jann and I couldn't hold back the tears, and we left too, cos we had no mood to stay on, worried for the safety of our dogs.

I don't know what to think of the whole incident. I feel very upset, because as a dog owner myself, I know it will be very devastating to lose a dog... To me, Charcoal is not only my pet, but a part of my family. I've watched and read so much about dogs, and I knew to stop a fight, I should hold on to the dog's collar and hit it right in the middle of its eyes. But I didn't. I just stood deadrooted. What if it were Charcoal? What would I have done?

I feel that dog owners should be more responsible, and take care of their own dogs. At the dog run, we let our dogs run freely, but that doesn't mean we should let them out of our sight. We must protect our pets from others, and vice versa. The owner of the poodle didn't react fast enough, but I guess he didn't expect it to happen. The owner of the husky didn't appear till much later, but I guess too, she didn't expect it to happen. But when things happen, where were they?

I'm babbling, because I'm just so affected by this whole episode and can't stop tearing whenever I think about the poor dog.

I wished I had done more.

I wished I had punched that husky to stop the fight.

I wished I hadn't been so selfish to protect just Charcoal alone.

just... wondering.

Am I one step closer to a dream or one step further from a career?

Why my diet plans always fail...

I love KFC.

Of diets and detoxing...

Mum: Girl ah, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight ah?
Me: (eating chocolates) Ah.... I don't know leh. Don't really feel like eating tonight.
Mum: Why? You are going out?
Me: (starts to open a packet of potato chips) Not going out, feeling lazy. I'm actually trying to detox, and am on a diet.
Mum: With chocolates and potato chips?!
Me: Chocolates make me happy when I'm depressed about not able to eat anything else. Potato chips give me the energy now that I don't eat much meat.

Now you see why I never lose weight.

Of exam results and farting.

A friend sent me an sms saying that results are out on the website... I choked on my Milo... crossed my toes, fingers, eyes and prayed that I passed the exams.

As you all can see, I tend to be very lazy relaxed during the exams, because exam time is the best time to recuperate from lack of sleep and rest... and therefore I go into the exam hall with whatever is left in my head. And, I don't stay in the exam hall for too long. No point checking your answers over and over again, if you're wrong, you're wrong.

So before I logged in to the system, I told myself If I pass my subjects for last term, I promise to work hard for this term. I will work very very hard. Just let me pass. and a sense of deja vu washed over me.

And... and... I realised I say this to myself every term, whenever I am checking results.

BUT! I passed!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!! So I shall try to work hard this semester, anyway it's my final lap.

------

I wonder why dogs fart. I wonder why Charcoal farts A LOT. Especially in his sleep.

And especially when he's next to me sleeping while I am doing work.

EXTREMELY potent.

Must be the apples I fed him.

-----

Ok! I shouldn't be blogging too much right now. Just came back from a project meeting, and so since I promised myself to work hard this semester, I shall start on my project soon now.

Before I start slacking again. Which I foresee to be quite soon.

I wonder...

I wondered why, then, when you always made me cry
I held on to our love steadfastly.
I wonder why, now, when you're no longer here
I still hold on to that love selfishly.

I wondered why, then, when you lied to me time and time again
I believed you and grasped tightly that trust.
I wonder why, now, even when you're not here
I have that bit of trust still.

I wondered why, then, when we were upset with each other
I held on to that hope of our future.
I wonder why, now, even when you have someone new
I am holding on to that hope still.

I wondered why, then, when you broke my heart
I loved you all the same.

But I wonder why, now, even when you no longer love me
I love you still.