I just want...

Qian sent me an sms the other day... "i want a decent, very good looking and very rich man who loves me. is that asking too much?"

Me too. Just that I don't really need a very good looking or very rich man. Just... decent, and loves me alot.

Is that too much?

*****

Been lazy to edit pictures from my first few flights, but it was fun.

Off to London tomorrow.. I promise a full run-through of all my flights! With pics! when I come back that is.

Love ya all.

*****

Updated (after Qian read what I wrote):

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:16 PM)
like the perfect guy never exists u noe

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:25 PM)
and even if he does im not lucky enough to have him


She's my new philosopher.

Feelings...

I hate the way I'm feeling now. I'm feeling... hurt... sad... lost... envious... and perhaps.. jealous?

I hate ambiguity in anything.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, am I?

Why why why why why?

My "P" plate is on again...

Tomorrow is my doomsday. My first solo flight. To Sydney... Hopefully things turn out well, and I don't get into trouble.

Hesitant, nervous, and worried... But I am not going to let it get to me!!! ARGH!

Oh, the furniture came today, and I had fun shifting around stuffs in my room. My stuffs are still very messiy packed, but... at least it's neater and nicer. I have a TV corner and a sleeping place! WOO HOO!! Er.. wanted to take pictures and put up, but... you know... messy... *heh heh*

So I was bored last night and was just surfing online, and read someone's blog from *gasp* her first entry to current. Thankfully it wasn't years and years of history... Funnily, I could relate very much to her relationship... and in a way, I guess I am somewhat like her, past and present.

It's scary how a relationship can be so fragile... At some point, one party will forget why he or she fell in love with the partner, and perhaps will disregard and take for granted the other party's feelings.

Yet it feels good to be crazily in love, that rush of adrenaline when your lips touch, that tingling feeling you get when his fingers run down your back...

Oh well.

Love hurts eh?

Odd odd..

It's already near 4am and yet I am still very much awake. It's been a boring Friday night, with my plans to go see Eligible Bachelors at MOS cancelled cos I just didn't have the energy to go swoon at men. So Val and Amin called, and demanded that I joined them for coffee, and again, I was plain lazy. Then my dear Jacob called, to join him for drinks at MS, and then again, I didn't want to go because... I was tired. And then I stayed home to play with Charcoal. And blogged. And watched TV. And ate ice cream.

Then the weirdest thing happened.

Despite the hurt, I still very much want to care for him as a friend. In any case, we were good friends before we were together. I asked after him. He was fine, apart from his ever-rising credit card bills. He's stopped clubbing for a while so that he could get his finances in check. Relationship is ok, apart from the normal misgivings and stuffs. And he feels more like an island.

I told him I was really tired and wanted to go home. He reeked of alcohol and I offered to drive him home safely, but he declined. Yet he didn't seem like he wanted to go home.

Perhaps ultimately, I'm just a replacement for someone in everyone's lifes. Perhaps you will never love me as much as you loved her then or perhaps now, or maybe I can never be that special someone who can be part of your life. Worst still, I can never be as good as who I am replacing.

Pain. Pain is an addiction I can never rid myself of. An addiction so strong, I could stab myself over and over again. Morbid, yes, but it's the only thing that reminds me of my sole existence.

My purpose on earth? To fill up that void someone left.

Yes, that's who I'll always be. A replacement, no less.

I wish I can be the special one though
The one you think of before you sleep
The one you think of when you walk down the streets
I wish I can be the one to walk you through
The one who stays on when the road gets tough
The one who hangs on when things go rough
I want to be the one at the altar with you
The one who says she'll live her life with you
The one whom you want to live your life with.

Graduation.... I'm a full-fledged cabin crew!

And so, graduation was on Wednesday.

The skit went on well, and judging from the laughs, the audience quite enjoyed it. Thanks to Louis for coordinating and doing almost everything, to Val for helping out with the music and stuffs, to Jacob for helping to push people to work, to Darren for putting up a good act despite the fact that he was sick, to Kelly for being the loan shark, to Dora and Meera for arranging the food, and the rest for making this grad a success.

I was kinda upset that after graduation everyone just left without a proper goodbye or such. I guess this only shows how bonded our batch is. Especially in the last few weeks, things got a little... out of hand.. and lots of unhappiness surfaced.

Ah well, I was the Best Trainee for my batch, and I delivered my last minute speech in stutter. It's been a long while since I last delivered a speech, and I still think it's easier to write a speech for someone else than for myself.

(As I am typing this entry, Charcoal is farting... in his sleep. POTENT farts. And I figure I will die by morning by poisoning.)

I was cleaning up my room and I found this little pocket daily calendar that I used to write notes in when I was at Mandarin, and I read through what I wrote. I recorded things he did which made me really happy, and things which made me upset... somehow, I couldn't remember how I felt about him in the past. I could remember what we did, what we said, but I just can't remember how I felt then. Me thinks it's weird how someone can disappear from your life totally when he used to be your world in the past. I haven't heard from him in a long while, nor heard news about him. It doesn't matter anyway I guess.

So we're starting to fly soon... and a lot of things will change. Perhaps the group of us Chinks will lose contact with one another, but I really hope we can still keep in contact for as long as possible. Yeap yeap.

I wanna put up pics, but I'm so lazy and my eyes are so dry they threaten to pop out of the sockets.

Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow.

Sweetened pleasures...

Word of advice to all: Don't hang out in the MRT station near closing. Why? THE FREAKING IRRITATING ANNOUNCEMENT kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.... and when the station is empty, the announcement comes on EXTREMELY loud. Argh. It's now stuck in my head.

And then while watching Munich, my jet lag got the better of me and I fell asleep during the whole show. I've been wanting to watch the show ever since I saw its trailer!!!

I'm such a sleepyhead.

Was outside Meritus Mandarin, and I couldn't help but think back on the times I was working there. I miss working in the hotel industry. The times we tolled till late night, the days of handling projects and events, meeting up with journalists and guests, working with my crazy girls, the colleagues from the other departments... Sigh.

Charcoal has been sniffing around in my room for tissue paper and food. I think it's time I clear up the messy room. Yawn. I'm soooooooooooo sleepy and lazy.

Need to go Ikea to grab my shelves and cupboards.

Ah well, I'm going out to meet the ladies. Laters!

Ogenki desu-ka?

Ohayo!

I got back from Osaka yesterday evening... pretty nice place to shop and walk around, save for the cold winter weather. Till now, I am still very much undecided whether I like or dislike winter. Will be flying off to Melbourne again tomorrow morning.. hopefully I can stay awake throughout the flight.

The team I just flew with was really really nice. Many of them gave me a lot of invaluable advice, and I am very grateful for their care and concern. I hope that everyone I fly with will be like them. (heh, heh)

My sore eyes haven't fully healed. It got pretty bad during my flight, and I almost had to be removed off duty. The worse thing is, I couldn't go for my pool session and had to postpone my diving trip next weekend. This sucks. Stupid sore eyes.

I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about whether I have made the right choice to be in this line. True enough, I am enjoying the travelling, and the work isn't really that bad actually. But I just dont know what I should make of this job, or career, if that is ever going to happen.

And then, what's with everyone, from taxi drivers to buddies, trying to introduce their sons, friends, brothers, whatevers to me? Not that I can get any guy at the flick of my wrist, but then, I definitely think I don't need much help with getting hitched right? Thanks for all the effort though. If I need help, I know who to find. You all should really start some matchmaking agency really.

And I just chipped my nail polish. (*&*&@#&%^^

Off to bed soon.

It feels really nice sometimes to have someone to care for...

Me, myself and I

I declared Saturday as a "Myself Day". After sending Charcoal to the groomer's in the morning, I went to the doctor's to check up on my very sore and disgustingly red left eye. After which, I went to do a French manicure that didn't survive the day cos... it looked out of sorts.

Then it was to Wisma to get my regular moisturiser and stuffs, to catch up with Serene for a while, a bit of shopping, then when I found out that Alex was in town dyeing his hair, I popped by to get a haircut too. Which, no one realised.

My sore eye condition was pretty bad, to the extent I was offered tissue paper cos some nice guy thought I cried. How very pathetic.

Today was a so-so day... I've been feeling all prick-ish, getting irritated at the smallest stuffs. In fact, I've been like this since Friday. Argh. I hope this floats away soon. Sorry to those who have been suffering the brunt of my prickiness (if there ever is such a word).

I'm so sleepy but yet I have to wait for the nails to fully dry. Argh.

Graduation's coming soon and I really hope things will turn out fine.

Night world.

So my iBook is back....

and $252 is gone from my bank account.

But I am happy. I have my baby back with me! Yoo HOOO!

Training is soon coming to a close.. and I will soon have to part from my batchmates. Having mixed feelings... as much as I look forward to earning a proper income, I know for sure I will miss the fun I've had with my batch. The friendships made over these few months... I hope they are strong enough to last as long as they can go.

Sigh.

I wonder how life is gonna be like once I start flying.

Thinking of moving out to stay, and mum has been asking me if my plans to live out for a while is concrete.

Pictures from my mini birthday party!


wishing and hoping...


Crazy Val and I


Kelly, me, and Val testing out Jacob's new vibration-less N90

And so it has come and gone....

Yes... I am now officially 24 years of age. Still young, still young. I am not even at my quarter-life crisis.

Had a great day today, apart from the training that I struggled hard to stay awake at. My batchmates were very sweet, and we celebrated my birthday at Swensons'... makes me feel young again. Thanks to my dearest Val, Kelly, Louis, Jacob, Vincent and Darren!

And after that, it was salsa class. Argh. I haven't attended salsa classes for a while, and I'm pretty lost to the steps and moves. I'm too dependent on the men's leads. It was fun though...

And so now I'm no longer the birthday princess. My carriage, according to Val, has turned back into the pumpkin it once was.

On another note, I'm thinking of going diving. As in, learn how to dive first. Anyone interested in joining me? Most probably from 10 to 12 Mar. Sms me if you're keen!

Happy birthday...

Yes, happy birthday to me.

Thanks to friends for all the well-wishes... and Ah fat for that lovely email. It was very nice to open my inbox and see that email waiting for me.

This year is gonna be a real quiet year, compared to last year when I spent my day in the hospital. No wild parties, no crazy celebrations... just... a day to pass.

Sadly, mum forgot my birthday, again. I couldn't help but cry and feel silly about it. Even now as I type, tears are rolling down my face. Anyone can forget my birthday but not her... I feel so lousy.

I know I'm whiny and being a child... but it's my birthday and I can do anything I want today. I'm the queen.

SO THERE!

addiction.

I left my iBook with Apple Care Centre yesterday. It costs $252 to change a freaking keyboard, all because sister here forgot to register my Apple Care.

ARGH!

Dumb ass. Ever know anyone who bought warranty for a product but never registered? Congratulations, you just knew one.

I'm suffering from bad withdrawal symptoms without my iBook. I hope they will hurry up the repair and give me back my baby.

This weekend is a pretty lazy one... alot of sleeping in, and sleeping, and then more sleeping.

I wish I have the answers to the many doubts in my mind, but I just don't. Maybe I don't have the courage to face certain feelings I have, maybe I just want to run away. I know what and how I feel, but yet I don't even know if I should be feeling this way. It's never going to work out in the end, right?

I'm just a great pretender of my life, an actress, a stringed puppet led by others' expectations of me. I hold no right to what I should feel and how I should act.

So long as I'm happy, it doesn't matter right?

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

What do you think about me?

Click here!

My life is about painting my nails red...

And so I am back from Melbourne.

Again, a great team of crew, all patient and ever willing to lend me a hand and give words of advice... sadly, Kelly and I were too shy to make the request to sit in the cockpit with the tech crew. Darn.

Melbourne was great, with the lovely buildings everywhere and more affordable shopping areas around the hotel. We had fun walking around and getting lost, trying on crazy little sunglasses and weird masks... And it's back to training tomorrow! But before that, I have to write out some flight report.

Was feeling sick after I came back from Seoul, the dizziness and the pukiness didnt go away, even till now. Was to go see the doc's last night, but mum refused to let me drive out. Yawnz. So it's to the doc's later.

Oh, Irene told me that she might be getting married this year!!! I'm so happy for her! It's not everyday you find someone you can share a life with. Congrats dear!

Ah fat managed to get online in Beijing, and I've made not-so-concrete plans to meet him up when I go over there in March. Then I realised I would be there for... say... slightly more than half a day? Shucks. Hope we can still have time for a cuppa.

My dear Q is supposed to be back today, but so far I have yet to receive her sms. Where are you!!!

-----

I received 3 bouquets of flowers this Valentine's day. Funnily, no one asked me out on dates. 1 bouquet of white lilies was from P, the other 2: one rose and one white orchids, were from anonymous people. I absolutely dislike it when people send me things and don't leave names or any contact numbers, because, though it can be fun at times to guess who my mystery senders are, but it's only fun when I have a slight clue to who it might be.. Now I have no freaking clue.

Darn.

-----

Sometimes I applaud myself for my stupidity.

I was packing my stuffs into boxes because I am about to get new furniture (yay!) and re-do my room a little. Then I realised... I packed all my training notes into the boxes as well, when I need to use them soon.

Yes, and I had to open the boxes and unpack every single thing.

-----

Ok, I'm finally meeting up with Stella and Angie tonight. It's been.... half a year (???) since we last met up. I'm missing them so much!!!

Hope this giddy spell will run off.

.:emo freak:.

I have this sudden urge to... cry.

Amidst all the laughter and the chirpiness of the group, I just felt... a little out of sorts. I was unable to gather my thoughts, and though I smiled and laughed along, I felt as if I was not within me. Oh well, if you get what I mean.

-----

It is so not easy. I over-estimated myself.

Back from Seoul... Anyung Haseyo!

Just got back from my maiden training flight. Seoul was... well, FREEZING cold. Silly me forgot to bring socks, and didn't really pack well for the cold weather. Lucky for me, Kelly lent me her scarf. I was freezing my toes and ears off while we were out at night, running away from the cold draft and the falling snow.

The flight was alright, I learnt a lot of things, and had a great team with me. I'm thankful for their patience, otherwise I guess I would have already been thrown out of the plane for my lack of speed. It was a big eye-opener for me, into the culture at the airline and the work environment. At times I wonder if I am suited for the job really. But I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.

Daddy called a couple of times while I was in Seoul. I thought it was pretty sweet of him, considering the fact that he wasn't really warm to the idea of me being in this industry.

-----

On another note... perhaps it's good that I'm not attached after all. I had time to rethink certain situations that I'm in at the moment. Should I stay or should I leave? Before I fall too deep into it, I think I should make some kind of a decision, no? Or should I leave everything status quo?

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through


Perhaps, I think too much.

-----

Oh my flight roster is out! I'll be heading for Bangkok, then Narita in Mar, then back home from Japan, and then to Melbourne again. After graduation, I'll be heading to Sydney, and after that to Beijing. Perhaps can meet up with Ah Fat there. Hopefully.

Looking forward to my Melbourne flight coming Sunday somehow.

-----

I miss... being me.

Random ramblings yet again...

I've been rather random recently.

-----

Was watching "The Journey of Man" on NatGeo this morning, and Dr Spencer Wells said that it's "kinda" proven that all our ancestors came from Africa. I thought, if this is true, then why are we differentiated by colour? Apparently, our skin changes colour to suit the sun intensity.

I should visit Africa.

-----

I realised I am fond of talking to myself sometimes. Like this afternoon, I was mumbling something out loud, and this guy stared at me.

I'm psychotic.

-----

Oh, and by the way, I do not need to be matchmade. Please stop introducing your friends' friends or brothers' friends or anyone who is a third degree friend to me. Do I look that desperate seriously?!!

Yawn.

Argh. I'm going to finish that tub of ice cream sitting in my fridge. Better get it out of the way first. It's an eyesore.

Same side of the moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon



My current favourite song of the week.....

Random ramblings...

Disappeared again.

Been so tied up with exams, tests, and what nots.

ARgh.

I forgot about tomorrow's test too, until someone reminded me.

Damn.

Ok, enough of griping.

::love::

I gave up someone who could have loved me.