stories..

We all have our own stories to tell. Stories of happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger, despair... I remember times when I sat down at roadside cafes, watching the world go by. And I wonder what lies beneath each and every single person who walked down that road that day, who walked into my view. The man who stood at the traffic light looking impatiently at his watch, waiting to cross; the girl biting into a sandwich as she strolled on, stopping as she picked up a call; the young couple laughing as they walked past; the Caucasian man looking puzzled as he stared at the map... I wonder what their stories are, I wonder what they have to tell.

I have my own stories, my own secrets. I'm not ready to share, because words fail me. But if I bare my soul to you, will you listen?

It's ironic how, as someone with prior experience doing marketing and public relations supposedly good with words, it is always difficult for me to put into words about my feelings and what I want. In a way, I never wanted to share how I really feel or what I really want because I don't want to feel too exposed, nor do I want to make someone feel obliged into doing something or changing to suit my likes and expectations. But sharing is a two-way thing... something which I stopped doing since.. a long while ago. And I doubt I'll be doing it again anytime soon.

So. What's your story?

*****

As weird as it sounds, I love the smell of cigarettes in aircon. Probably because it reminds me of my childhood, when Dad used to smoke chimneys. The bedroom always smelt of cigarettes, always smelt of Dad. I've gotten into the habit of lighting up a ciggie whenever I am overseas and let the smell infiltrate into the hotel room (and of course, I do it only if I'm allocated a smoking room), and it just makes me feel a lot at home.

*****

I wonder why when we cry, there's always an aching feeling in the chest. At a time when most people I know are sleeping, I am still wide awake. My tears have dried up and I guess it's time to move on. So long as the people I care for are happy, nothing else kinda matters.

xoxo,
jwnn

Los Angeles.

It was HOT.

Not HOT in the damn-you-should-be-there kinda thing, more I-am-sweating-buckets kinda hot.

Didn't manage to go out as planned with this American guy I met, because I was jet-lagged. Yes, laugh all you want. I thought jet-lag never happens to me, but well, I should be biting my words now. BECAUSE, I reached home at 3am, finally fell asleep at 5am and it was 8am when Charcoal hopped onto my bed and woke me up.

Oh. And a pleasant surprise awaited when i reached home. King Charcoal peed on my bed, leaving a freaking disgusting yellow stain by the time I got home. Luckily the mattress had a protective cover, so I need not discard this %&*(@# expensive queen-sized bed.

So now I am very jet-lagged.

This Tokyo-LA trip was the last team flight for this team that I flew with, and I could feel their sadness at the end of the flight. The crazy drinking session in Tokyo got everyone in laughter with silly antics and all, with the effect of alcohol. At the end of the flight, we took crazy photos outside the gate, and everyone was happy. I really enjoyed this flight, though it was a tad too long away from home. Still, I yearn for more flights with such fun and crazy people. They really make the trip a lot more fun.

*****

Managed to do a little shopping in LA, wanted to visit Orange County, but didn't know how to get there with the vague instructions from the locals, so gave up on the idea. Oh! And I found my favourite chocolate shop in Glendale!!! See's Candies!!! I went in and got a sugar high just by staring at the chocolates.

Well, so the next thing I did was to buy my favourite lollies~!! *heh heh*

On the flight from LA to Tokyo, I met this guy on board who, during our conversation, when he heard I wanted to visit Orange County, gave me his contact details so on my next trip to LA, he could bring me around.

Then in Tokyo, I went in search of the 100 yen shop, and somehow got lost. So with my very limited Japanese, I manage to seek the help of a young couple, and, they brought me all the way there even when they had planned to go elsewhere. So with my "half-past-six" Japanese and their limited English, we had a really weird but funny conversation. Of course, when we reached, they shopped with me as well.

Sigh. Why are Japanese girls so gentle? Makes me feel really unrefined next to them. *sulks*

Ok, so it's off to Tokyo again on the next trip. But this time I'll at least fly with some girls on my team. Why don't I ever get team flights!?

*****

On another note, I'm gonna meet Qian in Shanghai!!! Can't wait to see her again.

Ok, I think I need to at least try to sleep.

It's 10 am.

Stupid jet lags.

xoxo,
jet-lagged jenn

title? what title?!

I wonder what has gotten into me recently.

I was always known as the one without any temper, and used to have the temper of a nun going into recluse (ok, so I don't know what the temper of a nun in recluse is, but you get the drift), and now, I think my temper is as short as the wick of a birthday candle.

So I am having PMS. So I am feeling irritated. So I am feeling grouchy. So what?

Never used to blame my temper on PMS. Never want to. But still, around the doomed day my temper fluctuates. I hate this. But everything around me irks me. Especially... ah well. Forget it.

*****

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok I feel better.

*****

Will be leaving for Narita later, and then to Los Angeles. Back next Wed in the dead of the night.

I want to go drink. I miss drinking wine.

I am suffering from alcohol withdrawal.

Someone save me!

Anal-ly yours,
Jenn

to: you.

I know you read what I write whenever you can.

Please.. let me go.. Don't make me hate you for what you have done.

It wasn't easy for me to let those memories go either, but holding on to them selfishly isn't going to work out for either of us.

Please.

Let me go.

ex-Friends...

I know of many who can remain good friends with their ex-es.

I wonder why I haven't been able to. Is it my fault that things turned out this way? Did I make things bad for him and I?

Really envy those who are still chummy with the ex-es. He was a really close friend of mine, and the fact that we're no longer friends kind of triggered some sadness in me.

Ah well. Life goes on.

Will be away in Amritsar (if you don't know where it is, go Google Earth it out) later, and back early Saturday morning.

xoxo
jenn

(edit: I just read this, and I dare say it just summed up what I am feeling.)

Another personality test....

Well.... Qian passed me this link and i found it pretty accurate....

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

My life is...

... full of lies.

I hate liars.

*****

Why? Why? Why?

It hurts and yet it doesn't.

I'm confused and yet not.

*****

You're slowly losing me.

*****

I so wanna be loved.


xoxo,
jenn

Murphy's Law is....

... just a big fat silly disclaimer.

xoxo,
jenn

finally home.. once again.

I'm finally home from Moscow.. and well, it's been a really good trip with a bunch of very fun crew. Got a call which made me really upset, not over him, but how he still feels that he could manipulate me with his words..

But tired... need sleep.

Happened to hear this song which... reminded me of myself...

::Iris:: by GooGoo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me some how.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am......

Dubai - Moscow from 26 Jun to 3 Jul...

My lovely darlings...

I will be away from tonight till next Monday....

See you all when I get bacK!

xoxo
Jenn

Mememeeeeeeeeee.

Since everyone's doing this... here goes.

If you comment on this post:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

I love the World Cup...

... and I've been losing sleep over the matches.

Sigh. I can't sleepppppp.

And I'm so tired. My right ankle is starting to hurt again. Stupid old sports injuries.

:(

I need tender loving care.

xoxo
jenn

I miss....

... climbing trees and getting stuck there until grandpa carried me down.
... jumping into the pool after the morning walk.
... flying kites with grandpa.
... running to grandma's house after school to wait for mum.

... being able to leave class early just because we had choir rehearsals on that day.
... hanging outside the classrooms chatting with friends above and next to us.
... falling in love for the first time.
... sneaking textbooks from other classes.
... falling asleep in Biology class.
... standing up for one another as a class.
... bowling sessions or KTV sessions after school.
... eating Long John's at JEC.

... sitting outside TP bookstore in between classes, eating our favourite Little Chef cup noodles.
... slogging over the computer on our first Excel project.
... sitting in lectures trying to snack without making too much noise.
... being chummy with all our lecturers.
... cooking in Saffron.
... internship at The Regent.
... working with a good team of friends.
... eating at the tze-char stall opposite TP.
... overnight camps in TP.
... long strolls and conversations at Bedok Reservoir.
... chicken cutlet at Biz Park, muslim food in Design, jap in Mensa...
... sitting outside Jupiter Cafe watching time pass.

... working in a hotel.
... being around people who really care.
... working long hours doing things I really love.
... feeling accomplished and satisfied.

... having someone I can care for, and love.
... falling in love without any inhibition.
... being happy.
... cooking.
... lazy Sundays at the beach.

... meeting up the guys at Bt Timah for coffee and prata.
... watching soccer with the guys.
... my ex-movie kakis (YOU!!!!! sob. Now I have to find new ones.)
... hanging out with friends.
... being hopeful about everything.
... being in love.

But most of all...
... being myself.

xoxo
Jenn

Life is...

... full of contradiction. Ever made up your mind to never end up in a certain job, be with certain types of people, or do certain things, to end up being in that certain job, with those certain types of people, or doing those certain things?

I have.

Was in Kensington Park taking a walk when I saw a sign stating "No Cycling" and just on that path, I saw cyclists. Why bother putting signs when people are sure to still break them? I wonder.

*****

Have you been so unhappy that you cannot remember what happiness means? And you grow to be happy with being unhappy?

Someone posed me this question. And that probably summed up what I have been feeling the past few days. Or rather, weeks. More likely, months. OH who cares.

I guess I kinda forgot how happiness feels. Gone are the days when everything around me seemed bright and cheery no matter how grey they actually are. Gone are the days when I feel light, and not weighed down by anything at all. Gone are the days when I could laugh heartily and happily and just not give a damn to weird stares. Gone are the days when I feel carefree, and not be bothered by anything at all.

I just want to be happy again. But how can I when my heart is strongly guarded? How can I be happy when I don't allow myself that little bit of happiness?

Or where can I find my happiness?

What the f*ck am I babbling about?

*****

I miss watching soccer with the guys. I miss the lazy lounging at pubs, watching the matches on big screens. I miss drinking beer and being just one of the guys with the guys.

*****

I kinda like the smell of cigars.

*****
Some pictures from London...



And there you go! Xiao Chang and I in my room. Thanks for staying over dear. Though we've been friends only a short while, thank you for being there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to.



*****

Oh oh. And I saw this sign at the airport while waiting for my brother to touch down from Hong Kong (and OH WAIT. I AM STILL WAITING.)



Please refrain from sleeping in the establishment. Thank you for your cooperation.

NO SLEEPING OK!

No sleeping.
At all.

hur hur hur.

xoxox,
jenn

Back from London... one day earlier.

Was activated to come back one day earlier from London. Sigh. But I was glad to have been able to meet up with Xiao Chang!!! :)

Tired now. The good guy Kelvin came down to the airport to pick me up, and wrote my name on a big piece of paper. Silly boy. Somehow it feels good to have someone waiting outside the arrival hall, welcoming you back home.

The nice team boy was very sweet, came down early in the morning to send me off. Thank you!!! And sadly, no more team flights until... until.... I don't even know when. Bleah.

Gonna rush out for a while. More updates later!

Je me déteste!

La femme est triste.

Happened to chat to A over MSN before I left for Bali. He said that the ex's current gf resembles me in so many ways he felt weird.

I don't know how to describe the feeling I had after I heard it.

*****

I used to love cooking, and always cooked or baked for him... and it really felt great when he beamed and said he loved the food. Cooking used to be an act of love between us both... but now, I feel lethargic whenever I step into the kitchen to cook, and haven't been doing so for ages.

Probably should start baking stuffs again.

*****

Bali was alright, I didn't go for massage due to the back strain I had (which, is now getting a lot better) and so I had a good sleep in the hotel room. Flight back was alright, slowly feeling I can handle short flights a lot better. I wondered what life would be like if i hadn't taken up this job. Would I find something I like? Would I be happy?

*****

Then came this Jakarta turn early this morning. Leading said I did a good job and commended me to my team IFS, but I felt really lousy on the way up. I thought I could do a lot better, but yet I don't know how. Almost wanted to give up. Hoped very much to see someone after the flight so that I could probably feel a little better, but never got the chance to. Good thing I had someone to accompany me and to hear me whine over lunch and coffee, and friends who are online to put up with my nonsense.

*****

I've evolved into a boring person!!! My off days are spent mostly at home sleeping! What happened to activities?!

*****

I love long aimless drives, without any place in particular, just driving and driving and driving. I want to drive off the beaten track, admire rows of trees or the clear blue sky as I drive, or maybe on a jeep, drive into the wilderness, enjoy the bumpiness of the ride, feel the rain on my skin... feel the wind in my hair... have the sun's rays warm my soul...

Ah well, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.

*****

ARGH!

Ok, that scream was really random but I just wanted to let off steam. BOoOooOooOOOOOO.

I love it when Charcoal cuddles up to me in his sleep, and it feels good to feel him huddled against me. But I really don't appreciate the fact that he sleeps on my pillow with his ass facing my nose. And though I think he's smart to have learnt how to open the door, I wish he could close the door after him sometimes, because HE WILL STILL TRY TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN WHEN IT IS ALREADY OPEN! After which, he would strut in with an indignant look on his face. He is royalty at home. No one disturbs the Highness. No one tells the Highness what to do.

Now His Highness is staring at me. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR

I can't wait to get back from London so I can meet up with some friends. Oh dear. I haven't done the flight and I'm already looking forward to coming back.

*****

Come home quick Ah Fat and Yan. I miss hanging out with the gang.

xoxox,
Jenn

i give up.

I give up waiting for nicely rostered flights. The only good thing about the new roster is that I will be going down to Moscow. Sad thing, that I won't be going on flights with my team, and can't go out with my newly found travel companion.

Heading down to Sydney tomorrow... wonder what the flight would bring. I hope I survive tomorrow well.

Probably still feeling a little dejected about the new roster.

*****

Got tricked by the IFS on the previous sector from Shanghai, and was given the name Little Miss Naive on board.

I should really stop taking what people say at face value, huh?

*****

Met up with the 853 guys last night for a short dinner in Marina South and drinks at Cosy Bay. Brought back memories which I tried to fight back.


Vincent, Darren, Jacob & I

I miss training with the gang.

*****

I really should be sleeping now, as it's an early reporting tomorrow. But I just can't get to sleep.

I'm such a melancholic person, and I have a lot of memories inside me. Everytime I chance upon something that played a role in my life before, I would think of the past.

*****

I really shouldn't feel so attached.

*****

Was just chatting with Ah Fat, and in whatever relationship, it takes two hands to clap, both parties to make the effort to make things work. But, like I told him, as we grow older, somehow we put in less effort into making something work out. And then it comes the part on expectations. I don't know if I can live up to someone's expectation of me, and I wonder if I sometimes expect too much from someone, or anyone.

*****

Sometimes u need to just open ur heart a bit,
it's tough la.. esp after what u have gone thru.

I wish I could. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt all over again. I'm a coward. Life is about taking risks, but love is not a risk I think I can take.

xoxox,
jenn

crossroads..

I've got loads to say and yet I don't know what to say.

Laters. Woke up early and now got to prepare to bring Charcoal out for grooming.

xoxox,
jenn

the song which brought back memories...

From The Heart - Another Level

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love thats deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
Theyre staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save I'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one I'm living for.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all I got, with all I've got inside.

*****

Lost.

xoxox
Jenn

questions... without answers.

Him: You're seeing someone now?
Me: ??
Him: Is he good to you?
Me: Why ask?
Him: I still care, you know?
Me: Thanks for your concern.
Him: Do you love him?
Me: How, or rather, why should I answer that?
Him: How do you put down the past?
Me: Just like how you found someone new.
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: Does it really matter?
Him: Yes. Cos, I still miss you at times.