liars.

I dislike liars and I hate it if anyone lies to me. Hide the truth all you want, but sometimes, I know things that you didn't realise.

And it hurts to know that you have to lie to me. Me.

What happened to trust and faith? Yes we all lie to cover our tracks, so that someone else wouldn't be hurt from the truth. But sometimes you don't realise that the someone you're trying to 'protect' knows what is truth and what's not.

darkroom

There's something fascinating and hypnotising about photo developing - no, I don't mean sending your digital photos or film to developing shops - I learnt last night. The precision... getting the negative in the enlarger on the photo paper, the length of time to expose the image to the paper... the length of time to leave the photo paper in the developing chemical, then stop bath, then fixer... The extra caution to make sure that no sliver of light is present, even the green beep of the working air conditioner is not permitted. Working in the dark, you feel your way through... any carelessness will cost a good print.

Then you see the image appear on the photo paper as it is soaked in the developing chemical. And I wonder how... and why... this process is able to take place. It is fascinating, and the first image which appeared, though only a test strip, left me breathless for a while.

A photographer begins with the end in mind - he must know what he wants to see in print when he is taking the photo. Because, if that moment is not captured, it will be gone forever. Especially with film... Then comes the ardious task of developing the negatives, the contact sheets, and then the photos. I guess the thing with prints is, if you aren't satisfied with one, you can print another, and another, and another, until you get the perfect print, and that is.. before your patience runs out.

Does this apply to relationships or life in general? I wonder. Probably at times we do have the end in mind... most of us seek a 'perfect' or near-perfect ending... and then the ardious task of keeping a relationship alive, keeping a passion going. But the thing is, how many times can we try and try again before we get the perfect 'print', or before we run out of patience and give up on everything?

Then the fear of the photo not developing well, the fear that you lost that special moment.

The fear of... feeling fucked up. That you lost it. That you no longer are as good as before, as polished as before.

Argh.

I just hope that... words said to me, actions towards me, are genuine and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be made second fiddle to anything.

In the end, I think I can't take that leap off the cliff and not worry about where I land. I think I will be standing on the edge for a very, very, very long time.

Heading out for a very late dinner with the very nice gentleman J who forced me to go out cos he heard I was hungry, and later off to drinks.

Gotta digest my thoughts.

Guys, I miss all of you. :(

hazy haze haze hazy

I think the haze is finally getting to me. I stared out the window during take off and was taken aback at how bad the haze was. I could see nothing... save for the little lights at the jetty, even during the early evening. Honestly, it's irritating the hell out of me. Damn I can't even remember how our country looked like when it was CLEAR.

I was talking to mum about my uncles and all, and I feel that my family is pretty... dysfunctional. Weirdly, I like it. I have no idea why, but probably I find it more interesting that way. More things to bitch about. Hhaahaha.

Off to Copenhagen tonight, cycling cycling cycling.

Adios!

yippee!!!

So because I don't have any clear days off in between flights, I can't operate Melbourne. Which, I don't really mind anyway, because I woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

And then headed out to do some grocery shopping and back home to cook.

Now my eyes are threatening to close on me.

Okaaaayyyyy... before I fall asleep.. more pictures from the trip!


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

noooooooo space to breathe.

Okie, I got back from a second trip to Cape Town, and this time round, we rented cars to go around the area. Had a lot of fun, wined and dined HEAVILY, and at the end of it, I'm sunburnt!

Managed to get the cars at the very very last minute! Headed out in 2 cars, with the tech crew as well, and we went to Cape Point & Cape of Good Hope first. En route, we had a heavy breakfast, and couple of us were almost blown off by the wind. The winds were strong, and even the locals said that it was pretty unusual to have that kind of weather. Even I lost my footing. SURPRISINGLY.

Ok photos!



Captain Loh said that when the head of a lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) changes colour, it means that it is ready for mating. And so we spotted this horny lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) on our way to the southern-most point of Cape Point.

I satisfied my craving for ice cream, cheesecake (but it wasn't nice), and popcorn. The popcorn was a surprise though. Hur hur hur. And then lots of cheap South African wines. Cheap and nice.

And.. Paris was good. I know Paris was a good long time ago flight but I haven't really had time to look through the photos.



Ok, I know this post is rather.. 'wham bam, thank you ma'am', a quickie at most, cos I am very tired, and I think I did something silly by changing all my off days for flights.

So I might most likely be operating to Melbourne tonight, and after I'm back, the next day to Copenhagen, and after I'm back, the next day Saigon turnaround, then Jakarta turn, and finally a Perth flight, all without any off days.

Yeah. My super long linked flight. This is the first time, and I guess most likely (hopefully) the last time I'll ever do such a thing to destroy my body clock. Hopefully after everything's settled at home I won't have to pull such stunts.

In fact, I was hoping very much to spend a good day just lounging around, watching movies and ... doing nothing at all.

Argh.

schming! schming!

I am tired. But I don't know if I am emotionally or physically tired. It has come to a point where I can't differentiate between the exhaustion of the soul or the body. Warped as it sounds, pushing myself to the max gives me an exhilaration I can't fathom. Why?

Sometimes I do yearn... for something I think I might never allow to happen.

Anyway, something creepy happened while I was sleeping in the hotel room last night, and I decided not to sleep cos I was more irritated than frightened. Stayed up and watched TV the whole night.

Jacky told me something which got me laughing for a good 5 min. He said that planes are not recommended to fly past the North Pole, because the penguins will get intoxicated while staring at the aeroplanes fly over their heads and topple backwards. Actually, I didn't know it was true. I thought he was pulling my leg. Well, I googled it. And it appears to be just a chain letter. The penguins, apparently, think the planes are their mothers (why?!) and so stare at them with love and devotion until they eventually topple over. This is the most hilarious piece of news I've ever heard, and BBC has proven it to be a myth. here!

Then we saw the trailer of Hoodwinked on tv, and we really laughed till our sides hurt. Go watch.

As for the blog title, don't bother trying to figure out what it is. I have no idea what to put as the title so I just typed whatever came into my mind. heh heh. This is what pure exhaustion does to people.

haiyah!

Just when I thought we're over the housing episode, another episode furls in. And it's money-related again.

Money is the epitome of all evil. Whoever said that must have loved money till he hated it. And probably died hating it.

And I guess they always come to me because I seem like a pushover. I probably am, because relations matter to me more than money.

But I have no means to. And I hate how things are going within the family.

I am hoping for another miracle. Please please please.

One of the moments I yearn to seek refuge in someone stronger.

wait... waiting.... waited.

Back from Paris... I didn't want to leave. I love France, Lyon and all, and I probably would want to travel down south France and take a look. A break, that's what I need.

I know I don't open up easily, and I don't usually say what's in my mind. But I hate it that when I try to, my words are... disregarded, or unacknowledged. And the topic conveniently shifts to something else, leaving me hanging by the end of my thread, wondering if I should have ever said that. Or if my words ever meant something or made any difference. What's the point of me shooting out what's in my head to someone then? It's never gonna matter anyway. Oh, and it makes me feel silly for even wanting to say what is in my mind.

I enjoyed my time in Paris, probably for the solitude and the time spent alone in a foreign land. Been thinking... and thinking. Ever wanted something so much, then suddenly realising you somehow don't want it that much already? Like, you're just waiting to be on your way out.

Probably what J said was right, no one likes to play second fiddle to anything. But in this predicament, I wonder why it seems like I have no say in anything.

Maybe things will work themselves out in time. But would I be too jaded by then? Because, it's starting to lose meaning to me.

Maybe because I'm detaching myself from feeling so much, from feeling too much. My self-protect mechanism. When two parties wait too long and nothing happens, shouldn't someone move on?

The flames burn and sizzle, then slowly flicker away.

Doesn't it?

And when someone causes you more heartbreaks than expected, does that mean that someone means a lot to you? Why?

Probably being in Paris, city of love and romance, took me away from the reality that I have to face back home. Now you know why I never wanted to leave. I miss being away.

torn

I am trying not to care so much, not to bother so much. I just wanna be indifferent to everything that's related. But deep down inside I can't.

And it's tearing me apart.

paris romantique...

il fait beau...

In Paris now, using the complimentary internet in the room. Will be heading out later, going to take a walk by myself back to where I was many years back. Welcoming the solitude though, probably need to sort out some overdue thoughts.

Met a few nice passengers on board and spoke to them for quite a bit. Nous pouvons vous apporter autour! (We can bring you around!) Friendly gesture, but probably not. Because I don't know when my French will give up on me. But it is cold. Brrrrr... and I am yearning for ice cream.

Thought... a lot. And, it has reached a point where I no longer am in control. I feel very exposed, very vulnerable. Do I hate that feeling? I don't know. It feels warped that I welcome that feeling again somehow, but then again, a large part of me screams something else. Probably the overdue wait is taking its toll. And I wonder why I allow it to drag, why I can't just go. Maybe I should. But do I want to? I hate feeling so affected by certain things, certain words, certain actions.

I'm contradicting myself. As always. So what do I want? I know what I want but I don't have the courage to pursue it. SO what gives?

ARGH. Fuck lah. I wish things could be simpler and easier.

Will be meeting Francis tomorrow evening (see, I blog about you too!), supposed to meet his friends (new men new men!) but he wanted a trade-off, so we decided on a one-to-one date. hur hur hur. Hope I don't get lost in this mad mad metro system.

Au revoiR!

the misadventures of charcoal

*Woof!*

Today I ran away from home for a good 2 minutes, and made mummy worried. Jenn che-che was taking a shower and I was bored cos no one wanted to play with me. I hopped on the chair near the window and saw daddy coming back. So I ran to the door and waited for mummy to open the door.

Daddy came out of the lift and I ran to lick him. Then I saw the lift door closing, and I thought I would try to go downstairs for a walk myself. So I took the lift all the way downstairs myself! *beams*

I came out of the lift, and made my mark near the pillar. Where's mummy?? Where's che-che?? I panicked a little, but decided to stay at the carpark lot and wait for help. Oooh.. I spot little kids nearby. I wanna run up to them and scare them abit. But where's mummy?

OH! There's mummy!!! *lick lick lick*

Ok that marks the end of my adventure.

*Woof!*

::expired::

Why is it that sometimes we yearn to get the things we want, and then when we finally get it, we either no longer treasure it, or.... no longer want it.

Is it because the wait is just too long? Probably we all need time to find the reasons to our actions, the answers to our questions. But it probably is never a priority to some, and so things drag. And then one party gets tired of waiting, wishes to move on, yet can't find the strength to. Why? Maybe afraid of what might be lost if they should give up the wait.

I don't like expiry dates. I sometimes hate the fact that when I try to plan things, I would think "Would things be like this till then?"... I hate expiry dates.

Maybe I should clear out my fridge.

*****

Val sent me this song which I really like, and, I teared after reading the lyrics. WHAT'S UP WITH ME! Why am I turning into a soppy sponge?

Lea:
Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Brad:
Even the stars
Shine a bit bright I've noticed
When you're close to me

Lea:
Still it remains a mystery

Chorus (Both):
Anyone who's seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines Brad: ohh
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Lea:
I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Brad: Lea:
Don't open my eyes Ohhh
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how Tell me how
I could live without you now

Both:
And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Brad:
All my life
I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face

Lea:
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place

(Repeat Chorus)

Both:
Oh, it doesn't take a genius
To know what these are symptoms of
We could be Lea: ohh
We could be, we could be in love

Brad:
Could be in

Both:
We could be in love
~ We Could Be In Love, Lea Salonga & Brad Kane

one night in beijing...

I'm on leave I'm on leave I'm on leave!!!!

Though it's only till next Tuesday, but I'm on leave! No holiday plans, no late night parties... just rejuvenating and probably catching up on sleep. Spending more time with grandma too. :)

*****

Flight up to Beijing was good. Load was light and I had time to strike up conversations with passengers. Met this passenger on board who claimed to have flown on my flight before, to which I think I somewhat have some recollection, but then again, we all look the same in our uniform and makeup.

Was probably in hyper mode due to the lack of sleep (I almost couldn't make it in time for flight), I was jumpy and chatting a lot with the girls on board.

When I touched down in Beijing, first sms was: "reached beijing already? Do take care..." :)

So spent the whole time in the hotel room, ventured out a little to look for food. I was so hungry during lunch, and had a craving for xiao long bao in the afternoon. Stopped at this stall, almost bought my food, when I happened to glance at the menu outside the stall next to it, and it showed "Dead Cat's Ears" (in Chinese). I lost my appetite almost immediately and went back to the hotel distraught.

Then I came home, related the story to mum, and she told me it was another name for "mee hun kuay"... u know, those flat noodls that are triangular shaped. WHATEVER. In China, you get any kind of "delicacy".

*****

Little Miss Sunshine was good. I loved the show, and it was weirdly touching and sweet. I couldn't help but shed tears near the end of the show.

*****

Tired, but I'm gonna force myself to head out to the gym.

I think one day, my eyebags will be big enough to keep the bread rolls on board. One on each side.

*muakz*

xoxo,
jenn

::shagedalic::

So the pictures in my previous post made almost everyone want to go Cape Town. I suppose it'd be a good place to go and unwind, free yourself from woes. But.. go when it's not so cold ok? Brrrrrrrr...

*****

Got back from Sydney last night, and later I'm off to Beijing. This would be the last lap of standby patterns for now. I was soooooooooo tired from the flight I contemplated sleeping in my uniform, then just wake up and go on flight later. hur hur hur.

Seriously stoned. Met up with Sel after I checked in for a chat and drinks (he was the one drinking) till into the late late night. Then packed up and all before I crashed into bed. Jacky gave me a wake-up call for breakfast and I thought I was late, so prepared in a rush and ended up one hour early. So I had honeyed cereals with him in the room and chatted over breakfast.

I love team flights cos I can be really crazy on board and feel really happy. Was in hyper-drive mode on board cos I was really tired. Almost spaced out during meal service, but I guess I was already in auto mode.

I like sweet little gestures, like dragging my cabin bag for me even when I don't need the help, calling to check whether I'm back in the room, making sure I don't end up hungry, taking time to listen to me complain about life and all... even as a friend. Makes me feel comforted to have a friend care for me like that.

And then from faraway... messages to show that I'm constantly missed always bring smiles to my face.

*****

We've taken to putting a chair near the window for Charcoal. Whenever he hears something downstairs, he'd run up the chair and stare out the window. Otherwise when he's bored, he'll be up on the chair, standing on his hind legs and then looking on as the world goes by. Or so I think.

*****

OK. I'm seriously sleepy and I think I'm gonna crash again before I head out for work.

.:somebody:.

Got back from our once-in-a-blue-moon gathering at Ivy's place. I always feel safe when I'm with the guys (ivy included). It's like.. they are the ones who know me best, accepts me for who I am and are always there for me. So over steamboat we were bickering and the usual vegetarian-but-not-buddhist-cos-he-became-vegetarian-out-of-choice chattered the whole night away just because he had nothing to eat on the steamboat table. First time we had a full turn-out for makan, they say. I wish we can have such gatherings more often.

*****

"Eh, I wanna be xiao nu ren sometimes leh. I wanna hide in my nan ren's shadow and bask him with my love and care and all. Then when he needs me to be strong I will be his pillar of support, let him crumble into my arms and tell him that everything will be ok, then help him be strong again. Very difficult meh?"

"You were like that when u were with him wat, just find someone u love can liao."

"U think that easy ah!"

*****

I'm confused with many many things. Words, actions and all. Suddenly someone who disappeared for a while pops out of nowhere and makes me more puzzled with many things.

I'm confusing everyone, cos everyone's confusing me!

ARGH!

*****

To Sydney tomorrow, and after I'm back on Monday, it's crazy flight schedule from Tuesday onwards. Planning to go somewhere when I'm on leave from 30th, but grandma's gotta go for cataract operation. Holiday plans have to wait.

*****

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
~ Somebody, Depeche Mode

:: cape town ::

Cape Town is captivating... Every view is a picturesque moment, and I drained my camera battery dry taking photos there.

We didn't go out in Johannesburg, cos it was only a short stay there. Wanted to head down to Robben Island, where Nelson Mendela was imprisoned, but didn't manage to get the tickets in time. *sigh* But it was clear blue skies all the way, and of course, chilly chilly strong winds.



We went up Table Mountain because the weather permitted, and the cable ride up was fascinating. Once atop the mountain, I headed straight for the cafeteria for hot chocolate cos it was SO COLD! I had frost bite. Sob. But the scenery was breathtaking. I love it. It was a little cloudy, but still we could see the whole of Cape Town.



And because it was the mating season for the whales, we headed out to sea, hoping to catch them in action. But probably they shied away from us, because all we saw were seals, and seals, and seals, and seals, and seals! Boat ride out was bumpy cos of choppy waters, but I enjoyed every moment of it. Some of the seals were daring enough to swim up to us and play around in the waters, "posing" for pictures and all, but no whales.



Lunch was at this restaurant near the jetty. Seafood is cheap here, and lunch cost us less than S$7 per person. Fish and Chips! Delicioussssssss. Love it. Stupid Michael and Melvin started feeding the seagulls and they all strayed near our tables for food. Argh. I was stressed out. VERY.



The lady at the vineyard told us the different characteristics of the wines we tasted. I thought I liked South African wines, but this trip to the vineyard kinda pushed my tastebuds to the dark side. Probably the wines were too young for my liking. The Muscat was SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Sickeningly sweet. Painfully sweet. I don't understand how I can love desserts but hate dessert wines. Out at the vineyards it was peaceful and quiet, but we weren't shown around the vineyards. Sigh.

Cape Town is surrounded by the sea, so we were staring out the window, hoping to catch a view of the whales in the ocean. We did sight some, but it was too far away. Argh. The penguins were.... silly. They ran into the crooks of the rocks when they saw us, save for a few brave souls, then when the tide came in they ran out disoriented. The few brave ones strutted their stuffs and posed for pictures. Probably used to tourists in that area. I kinda got too close to a couple of penguins guarding their eggs, and the male one almost snapped off my fingers. *gulp*

Oh, and I didn't manage to capture this on camera, but there was a sign: "Please look out for penguins under your vehicle before you run off."



Lastly, Cape Point and Cape of Good Hope. In the past, trading ships passed throug Cape of Good Hope before they headed to places like Europe, before the Suisse Canal was open. Cape Point is where the Indian Ocean meets the Atlantic Ocean, and it's the southern-most tip of the South African continent. We climbed up all the way to the top, braving the cold and the thin air, and... well.. again, the amazing view. Took a break before we headed down, and by the time we reached the bus, the shops were closed and I couldn't get my ice cream.

Flight back was... rather challenging. But I met a lot of nice passengers, had the chance to really chat with them and listen to their stories... and having them come up all the way to find me before they leave the plane to give me a hug and some words of encouragement really made my day. As tired as I was, I wished all flights could be like this, leaving me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.

*****

Finally understood why dad did what he did after a long chat. Probably things will turn out better now that everything's pretty much in the works. I just want my family to be happy.

i hate being me...

*edit: post deleted. I've thought about it and I guess I'll just have to follow whatever decision is made. I was just being whiney.*

Tonight I'll be heading for Johannesburg and Cape Town. A good break from home, away from the unhappiness that's been hanging up in the air for these couple of months.

Cheerful songs and movies seem to have no effect on me at the moment. But I'll be fine when I get back I suppose.

Bye all.

Nu flava of da weeeeeeeeeek.

Found this song and I kinda like it...

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family)
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won’t hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

No I won’t hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours

Am I? Do-do-do-do-doooo...

::frankfurters and frankfurt::

Ok... Now I'm in the crew lounge waiting to go for some kind of drinking session. Frankfurt's nice, but a tad boring for me. Probably cos I am down with flu and so confined myself in my room when the girls went out clubbing.

Ah well. Hope the flu gets well. I don't like it that my voice sounds nasal and my sentences are punctuated with coughs.

Heard some lovely news from Qian and am glad things are going her way for once. Come home quick come home quick!

Watched 'Take the Lead' last night in the confines of my room, and ended up feeling really upset not cos of the show, but of my desire to go back to dance. I so love doing the tango... it's like.. sex on the dance floor. The man leads, the woman follows, as in all dances. But the display of fiery love and passion... the response to a man's lead... that intense grasp of the body, that sharp turn as the man twirls the lady.. that heightened feeling of feeling wanted... sigh. Can someone get an orgasm on the dance floor?

I so desperately want to go back to dancing. And I know I should do something about it instead of whining and all, but the only way I see is to hire private coaching, and that needs a lot of moolah. Sigh.

*****

Much as I don't want to ever get hurt again, I still yearn to fall in love madly, like throw myself off a cliff and not bother about where I land. I crave for a kind of love where there isn't any expiry date set, something which I don't even think about the end yet or at all, if I can afford it.

But I know that I don't have the luxury of such relationships, and my reason for being there and then not is because I want to.. be able to leave easily when it ends. Like.. just stand up and go. They always say, the person who cares less in a relationship is the more powerful one.. isn't it so true? But to limit myself from feeling, from caring like I always do, it's almost as if I am stopping myself from being me. Yet if I want to be me, will I be putting pressure on someone else, will I be smothering him with me?

Sigh. I don't even know what I'm babbling about and I'm not even drunk yet.

lazy saturday afternoon...

Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.

So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.

But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.

*****

So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.

Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?

Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.

And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.

Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...

HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.

*****

I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.

*****

Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.

Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.

*****

The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt