harlow world.

back from melbourne, where i kinda thoroughly enjoyed the cold weather, back to the humid singapore.

today, i painted my nails 3 times. i just couldnt get it right! firstly the colour wasn't even. then the top coat wasn't shiny, then it got too thick it was ugly. so i redid everything and finally got satisfied at around... 1am.

and this afternoon, realising that the sofa was more conducive for sleeping, we plonked ourselves in front of the teeeeveeee and then fell asleep. someoneeeeee came by, saw us sleeping there, stood in front of us and SNAPPPPPPPPPP! when we were in our most horri-gible sleeping position. tsk! i will take revenge. just u wait!

by the way, i miss playing Worms Armaggaedon. Whhheeeee~!

i woke up after the nap with tears in my eyes and started crying. been having a lot of dreams recently, which felt so real, and many times i didn't want to wake up from the dream. then i revisited a lot of childhood places in my dream this afternoon. it all felt so real, so real.

is it always the case? when you're younger you wished and yearned so much to be older, and now that you're older, you wished you hadn't grown up at all?

although there's never a time too late, and always better now than never, but today i realised, i'll never ever get another chance to forge a bond with dad. i missed that chance a long time ago.

off to karachi (AGAIN) and hoping to get back the sleep i duly miss.

what's your current song?

qian asked me this question over msn, and i didn't know. my current song 1 month back (oh it was current then) was I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance.. so i ran through my song list and.. yeah this one.



Every little thing - Dishwalla

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

seriously, is it me or is it damn hot back here in singapore?

touched down from paris this morning, and then headed straight to the hospital. but well, it wasn't a pleasant time there and i drove home with tears falling out of my eyes.

then headed home for a short rest before i went over for my home-cooked requested carbonara. after which it was 4400 and then nap. i woke up halfway frustrated because it was SO FREAKING HOT i was perspiring profusely. argh.

and so i resolved not to move a single muscle so i wouldn't generate heat. i refused to turn on the lights so that i won't feel the heat emitting from the lights. and now back at home i'm seated in front of the fan, and i refuse to move.

a friend asked, how could you still be so energetic and lively and cheerful on board when you have so much at home to worry about? i don't know, probably being at work is my only escape from reality. it seems warped, though. but yeah.

i just wished things could have been different. yet when i try to put myself in their shoes i wonder if i would have done the same, or whether i would be more generous and forgiving. i just don't see the end of this thing.

oh, by the way, has anyone been watching cnn regularly? i always tune in to cnn, and my last night in paris i fell asleep with the tv on cnn.

the whole flight back, i had this song stuck in my head. disclaimer: i have nothing against malaysia or tourism malaysia ads but...

"malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, the mountains and the seaaaaaaaaaa............ malaysia truly asiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, discoverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

ARGH.

it's already 8.15pm over here in Paris but again, it's still bright and cheery outside. The sun is peeking through the leaves of the tree outside the window and i catch glimpses of the bright sun. i thought i'd hate this room, but then i've been spending a lot of time just staring out across the street and looking at people, and watching the cars drive by.

finally tomorrow i'm heading back home, and it's gonna be a long day, with going to the hospital after i touch down and then home. what do i enjoy about being away? the peace and quiet, and the fact that i can lose myself in the middle of a crowd.

last night, yves and i went down to La Seine and found ourselves a quaint little pub where we finally sat down to rest our poor feet. and after the usual cordial catching up on what's going on in our lives, yves said something which.. took me a good 3 minute to decipher.

Y: "tu sais, tu as un air de l'élégance sensual."
me: "eh.. quoi?"
y: "tu dis pourqoui?"
me: "non, je ne comprend pas ce que tu dis. mais, tu peux repeter?"
y: "i mean.. you are sensual in an elegant way. like sexy, tu comprends?"
me: "sexy say sexy lah, what l'élégance sensual."

so yeah, this is what you get when you have a true bred french with a true-bred singaporean with her french gone wrong. and from the other table, this australian was just gushing to her partner about how she felt that she has fallen in love with Paris in just 2 weeks. and how she feels that she can live in paris all her life.

almost immediately, i turned around and told yves honestly, as much as i love paris, i don't know if i can survive on bread that much. you don't have to, he said, as a matter of fact, just live on wines.

ok 12 more hours till i leave paris.

the love of my life...

i was just chatting with a friend, and then i started thinking about charcoal. how little puppies are taken away from their mothers a few weeks after birth and then when i brought charcoal home, all he has now is us. we're his family, and that's why he loves us with all his heart.

*cues* Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

anyway, i love him too. it's like.. he knows when i'm upset and all, and accompanies me when i need. though usually when i try talking to him he gives me this "huh" look.

ah wells...

here goes:



smooooooooch

it's 4am in Paris.

weirdly, June is supposed to be summer, but yesterday it was pretty chilly though the sun was shining brightly. Glad i had the hindsight to bring along my jacket.

Yves came down to meet me this time around, and because we haven't seen each other for about.. say 2 years? we spent the whole night talking and updating each other on our lives. and i mixed my french with 'lah's, 'leh's and it got him pretty confused for a while. heh heh heh.

ok, think i'm gonna get a bit more sleep.

queue-ing, mahjong and frika.

yesterday was a very very wonky day for me. with lack of sleep from the past few days, i terrorised zenn's frika while we were queueing up for DONUTS.

fengmin, zenn, debra, me

and in the queue, i did a lot of things. when the caucasian couple came up to us and asked fengmin wat we were queueing up for, i had half the mind to tell them 'i don't know, i saw the queue so we came here'. so i think it was a good thing they hadn't asked me. frika sported a mohawk, then some weird hairstyle, then those punk rock hairstyle, then it became an out of bed hairstyle, and then i gave him a rambo head band. FOR TWO FREAKING HOURS WE WERE IN THE FREAKING QUEUE!

oh and for a while frika grew wings.


meet frikaaaaaaa!


extreme makeover

so this guy at the shop bluffed us. said shop would only be opened at 12.30pm when we were there at 9 plus, so we went for coffee at starbucks and sat and waited, talked abt everything and anything from people we see to news we read and then when we went down at 11 plus, THE QUEUE WAS ALREADY THERE!!!

and to think the last i ever queued up for anything was the toilets.


donut madness

donuts were... alright though, loved the PEANUT BUTTER GLAZED i heart heart peanut butter. then we lunched at ding tai feng, and i told the girls if anyone were to run away with my donuts i will chase them and whack my bag over their head. and we forced zenn to play mahjong, and her beginner's luck was SUPER GOOD SHE WON MONEY FROM ME AAAAAAARGH.

and when i told them about mysterious ants devouring food no one seemed to believe until.... one box of donuts got raided by ants. and i think i was lucky to have spotted it, otherwise the box of donuts would have been carried away by the ants. i hate ants. i hate mosquitoes. i hate houseflies and i hate maggots.

yes, we found maggots, but that's one thing i dont want to remember.

so there. yesterday's eventful day marked the end of my leave (boo hooo hoooooo) and tonight i'm going to work again.

sigh.

SIGH.

but Paris, here i come! hopefully this time the strike situation is resolved.

angels brought me here..

sent by someone all the way from melbourne, and thank you. it came in the very traditional snail mail, with the song in the cd.

It’s been a long and winding journey,
But I’m finally here tonight picking up the pieces walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes

My dreams came true when I found you; I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here

Nothing here before you
Feels like I’ve been born again
Every breath is your LOVE
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true right here in front of you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angles brought me here

It brought me here, to be with you
Ill be forever grateful, forever thankful

My dreams came true when I found you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers, oh...
And if u could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear that angels brought me here

You know I love you baby
And if you could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here
~angels brought me here, guy sebastian

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:50:38 AM)
u dun have to fight time, over time, only the gd ones remain and the bad ones vanish

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:01 AM)
waat if..

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:15 AM)
what u're fighting with is someone's good memories?

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:46 AM)
then i must say u're losing a battle

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:53 AM)
from a psychological perspective

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:58:15 AM)
unless u can make the present moment better than those memories, u'll always be 2nd place

i dont know the reason for the existence of mosquitoes, ants, and houseflies.

i hate them.

that's all for this entry ok goodbye.

way back into love...

yeah I know i'm more than a bit late to love this song, but yeah. I love it. I wish I could find a way back into love, or someone who can show me the way to. But then again, will I ever be prepared, to let my heart get broken all over again? I want to, but I want to, knowing that i've loved and lost, i've been loved, and not... not just .... having to contend with things I can't control.

what the fuck am i talking about? sigh.



Way Back Into Love lyrics

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Oh oh oh

My leave is almost half gone, and so far everything's a-ok. Koh Samui was real fun, and well, despite the fact that it was so last minute-ly booked, the resort was really quite nice.

Well, at least up till the last night, when I woke up feeling very very hot cos the air conditioner broke down in the room. So I called the reception and the rising temperature did nothing to calm my frenzied nerves.

me: "hi, morning, sorry, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "morning ma'am. you want wake-up call?"
me: "huh? no, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "you want wake-up call? what time?"
me: "No, i don't need any wake-up calls, the air conditioner is spoilt!"
receptionist: "what time? what time?"
me: "NO, NO Wake up calls! Airconditioner is spoilt, very hot!"
receptionist: "ooooohhh.. air conditioner spoilt. ok, i send someone, 5 minutes."
me: "... thank you."

well, so yeah, apart from this incident the rest of the trip went pretty well.

Anyway I thought through a lot of things after this trip, and yeah, maybe things could be different, but at the moment, I wonder if they'd ever change. I know, i know, what i am talking about is very very vague, but when it comes to matters of the heart it'll never be clear. Sometimes, no matter how similar two people are, no one can ever replace the first one who occupied that special place in your heart.

And i doubt i'll ever be that one. I can't fight with memories. I can't contend with what the past held and what the future could have been. Could that sudden realization be the reason why I haven't been happy recently? Possibly.

sigh. I can't do it after all.

Haven't been watching Grey's Anatomy for quite a while, and today, while blog surfing, I came upon this put up by Ting. And I remembered what happened in that episode. I guess very apt for me somewhat.

From Grey’s…

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross."

"I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…"

Yeah, I guess we never give up hope. But somehow, there has to come a day where we stop hoping.

and yeah, I am back from Koh Samui.

I'll be heading to Koh Samui tomorrow evening for my long deserved (short) holiday!

Great sand, great weather, and lots of cute topless hunks please!!

*smoooch*

buh bye!

Koh Samui... here i come!

second day of leave: more bumming. Finished Prison Break season 1 (yes i know i am behind time) and continued bumming.

Sigh. Planning for a short getaway, but it seems so difficult and tedious, probably because I've done enough planning for Spain and then didn't get to go I feel very tired of planning and checking out already.

I was just telling Gigi that I used to dream about just going to the airport, and getting a ticket and just fly to anywhere i feel like going at that moment. But in my dream, no money was involved. Aihz. If only it were that simple in real life.

So initially it was between Koh Samui and Krabi. But then after a talk with Sheldon I have more choices. Argh.

Sigh.

I'm so tired of doing it. Maybe cos i'm just lazy lah.

aiyoh.

hahaha
hahaha
hahahaha
hahahahaha
hahahahahhaa

i am happy, because, I am officially on leave! Though plans to Spain have been officially thwarted, I might be heading out to.. taipei, or hongkong.

Ah well, see how things go.

Ok time to slack!

*cough cough*

i..*cough* have this blar..*cough*..dee cough that i *cough* can't get rid of.

2 more days, 2 more flights till my leave starts!

another round of crazy back-to-back flights, just because I haven't been to Taipei for a while. and it took the very nice colleague a good 4 hours on board to coax me to go shopping with her. So after we checked into the hotel i crashedddddd, and then woke up in the evening to go shopping and in search for food.

Ah well, tomorrow's a short turn (hopefullY) and then saturday one more one more and my leave.

ok my fever's not leaving me.
sigh.

just 2 more days!

Bonjour madame!

bonjour, ca va?

Ca va bien, bien! et, vous?

ah, non, pas bien, je ne me sens pas bien.

et pourquoi? Vous avez besoin d'un doctuer?

non, merci, j'ai besoin dormir. A bientot!

the short conversation I had with the hotel staff i bumped into when I was trying to drag my bag into the room. Touched down in Paris with a slight fever, and I slept the whole day away after I unpacked my stuffs.

Gonna go out for a walk tomorrow. Probably the fresh air (and cute french men) will cure me.

me thinks it's not easy. especially when i'm starting to feel a lot more than i thought i'd ever would. and now i know i feel strongly about this. and it scares me, makes me vulnerable.

***

i'm so burnt it ain't funny. itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, Mum even said i no longer need to put on any blusher. by right, i'm supposed to take my nap before my long flight tonight but i think i'll just forget about it.

and i heard great news from Lady S while i was in the cab on the way home two nights back, I was so happy and excited for her but i couldnt scream or jump because i had to protect my image (yes, yes, in front of the taxi driver), and so i had to contain my excitement with "OH I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" in hushed whispers. hee.

Mr J, you've been warned. I have already a list of things to torture you before you finally get to marry our dear friend.

:)

***

Paris tonight, a change done to give away my San Francisco flight. Just didn't want to be too far away for too long.

the heart yearns to speak but the mind won't listen.