it is so awfully hottttt!

it's hot hot hot hot hot i feel like i want to just climb into the fridge and not move.

the aircon's been down since ages ago, i don't intend to fix it but it's so hot hot hot hot hot i miss the cold weather overseas.

i googled "how to make ur room cooler"

argh it's hot hot hot hot hot hot

gonna turn off the lights and the computer and all other appliances (except the fan) so that they wont emit heat.

AAAAAAAARGH!

get it right.

i'm not afraid of working with you, i just don't like to work with you so stop thinking that way.

freaking bi*ch.

i have been proudly telling everyone that i have cleaned and tidied my room to a state when i come home i get a ZEN feeling.

off to London tomorrow. The off days are just not enough.

*waves hi to velviie!*

*ahhhhh CHOO!*

oh well *sneeze sneeze* i dink i am down with fwu...

sydney was cold. cold. freaking cold and i think i wasn't that prepared for the harsh weather at night. i was practically shivering my ass off, and by the time i went to bed i was already feeling a little unwell.

so i woke up the next day feeling less than perfect.... arghhhhh. the only thing i'm grateful for was that due to this super long stay, i had enough time to catch up with everyone's who's there.

and today i woke up sick. nonetheless, the day was spent with the boyfriend who chauffeured me around; to vivo for Three Kingdoms, gelatissimoooooo at the empty Flyer, and crooning the whole day away. *AH CHOOO!*

ok this sneeze is getting on my nerves. feels almost like my brains are coming out through my nose.

4 lines. 4 words.

disgruntled incompetency and inefficiency.

lousy excuses broken promises.

freaking cannot plan days.

f**king f*ckers fu*ked up.

growing up hatred.

i hate everything about growing up.

no one told me about the heightened responsibilities, the additional workload, the lessened fun, the minimum sleep, and of course, taxes!

probably feeling a lil frustrated today, and filing taxes didn't help exorcise that frustration within. i reorganised my room recently, nowhere near completion yet, but it felt better seeing things shifted about here and there. and then i wonder why did i even bother cleaning up? probably one day very soon we'd be asked to leave. so why bother?

no one told me about the eldest child being the one making all the decisions. I hate making decisions. i wasn't prepared for such a huge responsibility. i grew up independent, learning how to fix everything around the house and handle all things since young, almost the "man" of the house, but yet i can't do the budget for my family. Mere financial contributions aren't ever enough. I've property taxes to pay, even when the ownership isn't ours, bills and other ad-hoc things that i know mum would never ask me for.

i don't mind being the one doing the contribution, seriously. but i don't know if i can continue to live everyday wondering when we'd have to leave. and.. guess what? I don't ever want to leave! I shifted here when i was about 3 or 4, and most of my memories, good or bad, were of this home.

dad passed away and i had to grow up overnight. somehow i don't feel the difference in all other aspects, but the heightened responsibility is getting to me. and i am rambling i know. i just want to get everything out of my system, and i don't want to speak to anyone anymore about all this because... listening to me spout all this nonsense and breaking down everyday is not going to do any good to my "popularity poll".

i get frustrated, and upset, and of course i get impatient with a lot of things. and they all say that i have to be strong, because i am the eldest child. but no one ever realised, this eldest child has a side that needs to crumble before she can build her fort stronger? no one realised that this eldest child is a woman after all, and can't be a "man" all the time? but yet, she's too used to being one that she forgets she had this soft, and gentle side which seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

yes, i admit i am weak. i am not as strong as other women who strive hard to handle everything in life. all i want to do is grow up slowly, grow up in the way i want. life dealt me a hard lesson, one which i am grateful for, but yet not ready for. so what am i to do? isn't there supposed to be a manual in life? or something i can download in patches so that i'd know what to do next?

i want options. i want the freedom of giving up or not. i want choices. it feels to me that i'm denied of all this, and then i think i am being selfish because i didn't think about how my mum and brother would feel. everything i decide from now onwards, will affect them in one way or another, and in different magnitudes for each decision, each bloody choice i make.

i am afraid. i am frightened, scared shitless, that i'd make the wrong moves. i know for many things i would know whether i've made a mistake almost immediately, but for many other things i would only know much later. who will tell me whether my decision is right or wrong?

i want to give up, yet i don't. i want to crumble, yet i don't. so what the fuck do i want? i only know it irks, as much as hurts, whenever people comment that i am no longer like who i used to be.

Life... you've chosen the wrong person, because this person isn't strong enough to brave whatever's coming her way.

triste.

gave away the frankfurt run for an osaka flight so i could satisfy my nihon-go craving, and i'm glad i managed to do the flight, cos at least it gave me the opportunity to catch up with jaslyn, and really chat. it's so rare to get flights with people you know, and i long for that kinda familiarity, that you look forward to flights because that someone is on board.

anyways, osaka had us running about trying shoes, looking at bags, oogling at clothes, and we almost went bankrupt. but worth it for the company.. and i'd do it again anytime. then the back-to-back flights came, just to attend the wedding in taipei and to still remain on flight so i could catch up with the ditzy batchgirl. if there's one wish i could make, it'd be to have flights with friends.

the past few nights' topics at gatherings have been pretty similar.. and left me wondering if people actually do think about what could be on the other path not chosen. would my life have changed drastically? was that change worth it? the saddest part is that no one will really know, at least not me.

and it's puzzling, to me, that when a person has passed on, everything in your life kinda moves ahead, but there'll still be this part that remains stagnant. and poignant memories are no longer the ones which make you cry. all thoughts, in fact, only happy thoughts and memories bring out the tears. the non-stop flow of tears. like what mr kwok said, all that matters is how i remember dad to be. question is, what if i don't have enough memories of him?

so i'm trying to patch up the holes in my life... family ties, relationships and all... and feeling that time passes more quickly than i want it to. and if my life is a big jigsaw puzzle... i think i'll never be able to finish it.

daaang!

so just as i was preparing to leave the house for flight, the office called and said there was a change of aircraft and i'm supposed to step down and be on standby.

and since probably around 11am until now, i've been restlessly walking about and trying to get the weekend off so i could spend a wee bit more time with the man who's kinda in a holiday chalet now. but from the looks of it i doubt i'll be around, so i guess i'll most likely be stuffing myself silly with pasta and pizza.

ooooh wells. probably the overdose of short simple flights have made me slightly lazy.

ok i think i should start to remove my makeup. and i hate it when people need your help they come cowering but when it's the other way around they freaking don't bother how they treat you.

sometimes it still hits hard, randomly, like.. in the middle of a conversation.

and it'd be a struggle to hold the tears back, but i'd always try.

***

spent yesterday in taipei with the aunt and cousin who came over to join my uncle for a short holiday. and as i brought them around the night market to eat and shop, the little one never ever stopped yakking. she's adorable, not irritating, just... noisy. but she's an intelligent one. thing is, i didn't remember me being that talkative and hyperactive when i was in primary four.

and then i miss being primary four.

***

so the standby was pretty (*#@&)#&_@#*()%&#, and i finally managed to get my old taipei line reinstated, so i didn't have to spend lotsa money on phone calls and sms-es in taipei. it was a lot of walking today, and i fulfilled my bubble tea-a-day by drinking 2 cups today cos tomorrow i'm checking out.

don't have the mood to work actually, wondering if it's because i'll be on leave after i reach home, or just because i don't feel like it, but i'm looking forward to home and preparing for jav & ste's big day.

***

walked past the bar earlier, and heard shania twain's 'you're still the one'... and remembered it was a song i loved dearly, for it meant a lot to me then. wondered a lot about the could-have-beens, and the what-ifs. why am i so down?

argh.

i miss charcoal's smell. i miss mum's voice, and i miss brother's snoring.

and many times.... i miss the smell of dad's hands.

sigh.

bubble teaaaaa

i think reorganising my shelves has become a fortnightly affair.

managed to free up a lot of space and boxes in the room, so that i have space and boxes to fill. and because i have to act as a one day tour guide to some relatives in taipei, i won't be able to meet the dogs tomorrow. sigh.

and right now i think i should sleep. but yet i ain't really tired, probably because i am so looking forward to my leave after this trip. *yippeeeee*

and the bestie's customary wedding is on this weekend, i am already thinking of mean mean things to do to the guys.

ohhhhhh wells.

i'd better try to sleep. past few flights i've shocked myself by waking up at call-time.

argh.

arrrrrgh.

i simply cannot understand why my room is messy again after 1 week.

ARGH.

seriously.

i am suffering from bubble tea, and ktv withdrawal symptoms.

and 11 days away from singapore made me miss mahjong, but the first night i was back i lost a grand total of $50. shucks. and so now charcoal is fatter, and cuter (because i brought him to the groomer's yesterday)... and oh man i missed charcoal so muchHhhHHhhhh.

thankfully the bank account is still alive, all because silly me forgot to bring out a photo id with me when i was in LA which really saved me a lot of money, but i still shudder to receive the bill for next month.

oh wells.

i finally met up with The Alcoholics in Taipei (Peter & Diana, Brandy & Whisky: 2 humans and 2 bitches); the daily affair in taipei was shopping in the day, lunch with Boon, more shopping, or KTV with the smokies on flight, dinner with The Alcoholics and Neeee-kiiiiiii, back to the hotel for drinks with the smokies, and process repeated the next day.

And i was introduced to brandy when she was still loving the biting action. when mr kwok came over, she was a lot tamed. standby was not activated, and i had fun skipping standby to look at geeky stuff with the boyflennn. and the group dinner was ditched when Mama Alcoholic had to work overtime with her ulcers, and Neeee-kiiiiiii left us for pretty girls in the countryside. 阿里山的姑娘美如... forgot the last word but *shrugs*. So mr kwok and i spent the night trying to act taiwanese, trying to act touristy, and then we went over to Tong Hua Jie where i proudly introduced Brandy to mr kwok.

so after we fed the Alcoholics, we brought brandy window shopping though most of the time Diana and i were in the shops, Peter with brandy outside the shops and Lou usually looking around for other shops. and at the big huge pet shop we found a big huge fat cat which was adamant that brandy not disturb his rest. Snarled and growled and slept at the foot of a stand.

and i offered dog sitting services when i next go over to taipei.

which is somehow a guarantee i won't spend all my money away any-o-howly!

i got flowers!

just a couple of minutes ago, i had a call in the room, and the caller said i had flowers sent, and waiting at the lobby.

and because i thought it was a prank by one of my colleagues, i went "Ya ya ya, 真的吗？不好笑。" and hung up the phone on the poor guy.

and he called back immediately to say it wasn't a prank and he'd bring up the flowers.

and yeap i got flowers from mr kwok. 20 red roses cos i'm 20 years old. (SHUT UP ALL OF U!)

*looooove*

*swoooooooooon*

ok i am girly. let me be cos it's my grow old day.

i'm old, boring and predictable.

CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

i haven't really had time to myself to really think through everything that has happened in 2007. yes, i've had time alone, but never as peaceful as today. lots of reading, thinking, and just.. spacing out. and when i read the above lines from grey's, it just struck a chord.

and yes, i'm officially 25+1 years old today. last year, when i filled out survey forms, i could happily tick the 25-30 age group and feel i'm the youngest, but today i'm "upgraded". and hopefully a little wiser, as val pointed out bluntly. THANKS. and to all who are happy that i'm older..... *ROOOOOAR*

26 years old. many years back i had dreams of me being someplace very accomplished in my career. i am someplace, but nowhere near accomplished nor in my dream job. but things change, expectations change, we change. i've changed. what plans do i have for this year? nothing much. I'm still on the recovery, in many aspects, trying to deal with myself, with certain issues in life and with my own expectations.

the last day of chinese new year, the lunar valentines' day and my birthday. last year today i was in the air from los angeles to taipei, and didn't see the date 21st February. Tomorrow i'm headed for Los Angeles. Last year today i remember standing outside Sheraton Taipei, making a video call to dad, chatting to him, mum and seeing charcoal on the phone. This year, it was just mum and charcoal.

The reunion lunch this year, was a minus one. we set a table for 4, the dishes on the table significantly lesser, but still those he would have liked. but we ate in silence, and at a point, in tears.

and there are still many days i wake up, wishing that it had all been a dream and things would go back to what they were like in the past. and sometimes i do wonder if things would be better had I chosen another path. but i learnt that there are just some things you can't ever change.

on a happier note, dinner with the igualans was pretty successful. people who went MIA previously turned up, people who couldn't navigate on four wheels previously turned up, though the mahjong addict was in the air from denmark to singapore his presence was sorely missed (ok i said that to appease the legend). and i had a great time. nothing beats being around people who grew up with you, who knew you inside out, who forgive you for not making enough effort to meet up, who can still be there for you when everyone else in the world gives up on you, who love you for just being you, and who will still love you even when you are no longer you. From hideous stories you'd never want your other halves to hear (which is why the legend never brings out his girlfriend anymore), to surprisingly good news you'd never think you would know (the pilot and the missing miss shum).

i've received cute presents this year also. the very first was val's PIGGY bank to me (LITERALLY PIG. PINK PIG) which went oink oink whenever i dump money inside, and sends charcoal growling, and my very very very first Agnes B. coin pouch, which, only has space for coins. meaning i cannot do the auntie thing and dump notes nor cards inside. then the next day i had another agnes b. card pouch from some ex-colleagues, which i am told not to put coins in.

mr kwok baked me a cheesecake for the dinner, which he graciously sponsored also, at arab street WHICH was finished up by the second day, and a dual-time watch to replace my current one. and now it means whenever i wear it on board i cannot be too rough.

the guys got me a handcream, ("it's very good! not greasy one!") and yeah it's good and smells nice tooooo. *smooch*

i finally met up with the potato, though it was a brief one, and we had a very good time sitting outside coffeebean and talking about whatever and anything. *love* and i got a chain with my name. non-kinky chain.

mummy got me a cake and we had an early celebration at home and charcoal loaded me with kisses and dumped his favourite toy in my bag.

this morning Rat came down all the way from taipei to give me my present and a birthday cake, sang a silly birthday song for me and left after breakfast to go back to taipei to work. just so that i could stop whining about being stranded in boring taoyuan on my get-old-day. THANKS LAH OK?!

I made almost everyone sign up for a mahjong account online and forced them to play with me last night. or when they are online. and i have a mahjong addicted other half.

and yay, finally finished updated, cos K complained that no one whines as much as i do, and that he had nothing to read for the past 3 weeks.

Back to more reading.

to my lovely huggable friends who smsed me early this morning or at midnight or left me messages on facebook msn wherever, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL.. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

k now i am going to just stare at the number 26.

SHUCKS!

was sorting through the hoards of photos in my ibook and macbook, and it suddenly hit me...

where the fuck are the photos i took when i went to copenhagen and my first paris flight? and first frankfurt? argh! and many other places?

and then i sorted them thru dates, and a whole chuck of photos from june 06- oct 06 .... MISSING!

damn. must still be stuck in my Piss-See. freaking arsed.

must get harddrives out. SOON!

not a sunday...

mum and i did our annual chinatown chinese new year tour today. but this year it felt really different, firstly because we aren't celebrating, and then because we're gonna be short of one at the reunion lunch.

so we went down to waterloo street temple to offer our prayers, and i asked for a divination lot for.. well, everything. it didn't feel like sunday though, today, even until now. it was crowded, but it just didn't feel like sunday.

hopped on the bus to chinatown, and en route, a pair of grandparents chatting over someone's head to their friend seated right in front left me feeling amused. and i missed, right that instant, the times i used to spend together with granddad and grandma.

the skies didn't hold up, and it poured heavily when mum and i were only 5 minutes into our window shopping. and i was almost gonna faint from hunger! so maxwell beckoned, and i felt disappointed at not being able to eat my sliced fish noodles. and chinatown seemed bleak this year, not sure if it were the rain or just me.

lots of mochi in my bag later, we hopped on the bus for home. just because i bought some really cool gadgets for my phone, i killed our half an hour waiting time by forcing my mum to take pictures with me.



and NO, i am not strangling charcoal.



this picture will be shown to people who piss me off BIG TIME. check out charcoal's butt.


another random post. because nails painted, flight tomorrow and i no want to work.

and instead of being in roma and standing in front of fontana di trevi, i opted for a japan stay with more days off at home.

so i spent close to 4 hours shopping, buying things that i have no need but can create a need for, and eating all my yummy yummy saba fish and unagi. LOOOOOVE.

the crazy senior gave me lots of weird funny ideas to do on my last day at work, or to people who are bullies at work. i am slowly compiling a list. hur hur hur.

ok i am just plain tired and lethargic, heading out to chinatown with mummy now.

it's time.

i need to find peace, and happiness within myself.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

i'm tired of being the one who's making everyone else upset. i'm tired of saying sorry when things go wrong, because it happens far too often. i'm tired of hearing sorrys, because it only makes me feel frustrated that things have come to this stage. i'm starting to detest, and really detest, the word 'sorry', because it slowly means nothing to me anymore. i'm tired of losing my temper ever so easily, because i never used to. and i dont know how to deal with this because i've never done it before.

i'm not trying hard enough, and it's not fair for me to put anyone through all this.

the water is wide...

Sarah McLachlan - The Water is Wide
with The Indigo Girls and Jewel
from Lilith Fair: a Celebration of Women in Music

The water is wide, I can't cross o'er
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I

Now love is gentle, and love is kind
the sweetest flower when first it's new
but love grows old, and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew

There is a ship, she sails the sea
she's loaded deep as deep can be
but not as deep as the love I'm in
I know not how I sink or swim

The water is wide, I can't cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I
and both shall row - my love and I *lyrics from: lyrics007.com

how do you find happiness in a life you see no future in?
and everywhere you turn, somehow you have this sense of melancholy, and with that, a heavy heart.
how do i lighten steps which feel laden with lead?
which seem to leave dark imprints on the ground i walk?

how many people must i hurt before it seems enough?
how do i get rid of all these frustrations... everything that consumes me?

i thought i'd take a nap before leaving london later.

but i tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. stared at the only family picture i have on my handphone wallpaper... and slowly wondered if i am still living a dream.

it just feels.. somehow... that dad is still around, you know? and that when i wake up later i'll see him.

and sometimes i just don't want to wake up. because waking up means i have to face reality. yet if i am living a dream now, maybe when i wake up dad will still be around.

sigh.