i don't understand.

if communication is meant to improve things, so why do the things i mention time and time again still happen?

it's infuriating.

i have succumbed.

i have a weakness for nice looking but maybe not as useful products.

so number will be changed, if i haven't given you my new number, sms me at my current number ok? cos, phone was stolen in spain and i lost quite a few numbers.

sigh..

:)

back...

finally safe and sound back home...

this trip has been nothing but adventures after adventures...

and the stolen backpack gave me loads of distress...

oooh well.

hoping things will work outttttttt.

holA!

finally...

the long awaited trip will happen tomorrow night!

and the past few weeks, i've so much to write about but because the excitement is making me tingle like crazy, i can't write anything!

soooooo, one last hurdle before the holliiieeeeeday tomorrow~!

BARCELONA Here i come!!

i'm so happy excited i am incoherent.

WOO HOOO!!

gonna be the backpacker for 10 days. BUAI!

if love is about accepting one for who that person is...

why do we still go about making changes about ourselves and the other person?

i suck at this.

i don't dislike babies. Well, at least most of the time. They can be pretty adorable (if they don't cry), and funny if you make them stare wide eyed at something for a long time.

BUT how did these HUMANPETS get the strength to YELL at the top of their lungs?!

it's amazing how a 'noise' that LOUD can come out of something so tiny.

argh.

i'm back...

.. i figured, ultimately, i still need to whine to the world.

so here i am. back here again.

but i need to sleep before i start blogging.

5 hours flight can really kill, if you're working in both zones.

the realisation.

i know i've never been perfect and probably will never be...

but today i just realised... how far from perfect i am.

hiatus.
taking a break from the world.

if there ever is an award...

... for the fastest and most random blogger ever...

i will give it to MISS POTATOMUSMAXIMUS BOOBIES GIGI WONG.

yoou know i love yooouuuuuuuuu.

in a male dominated world.

finally the start of my long awaited leave.

and last night i celebrated it by meeting up with 3 of my close guy friends.. and waiting for them for almost one hour. So i made good use of the time to drink a full bottle of wine, and by the time the first of the three musketeers appeared, i was on to my second bottle.

i grew up with more close guy friends than girl ones, so the slightly more than just a handful very close girlfriends i have, are really those who i have stuck with through the years. And my guy friends... though they do nothing but mock fun at me because i am the minority (in some cases, the only one), i know i can always count on them when i need them.

and so the four of us, the Plasticman, the Auditor, the Principal and the Shingapok girl... sat inside wine network for the aircon, and as two of them informed (and/or reminded) us about their upcoming nuptials, the Principal and I started thinking if we should start a fund soon for marriage; not ours, mind you, but other people's wedding dinners.

even though we hardly meet and apart from the very occasional sms once in a blue blue moon, it's the fact that we could just sit down and talk like old times that makes me miss so much of secondary school life. the growing up part with all of you is one thing i wouldn't mind going through again. (though i know i'll still fall asleep during bio and maths.)

thank you for these 12 (or 13) years, and counting, of friendship.

and of course, not forgetting the Shingapok Boy, the Panda Policeman, the Pharmacist, the Pilot, the Monk, the ... (weng what should i call u!!), and of course... Miss ROLEK-GPS-INSURANCE-BLUR QUEEN. i love u all anyhowwwwwww. *muackZ*

new york new york

i thought i'd get over it, but every trip to new york is just a harsh reminder of what happened last year. i can't ever imagine how time flew by so fast. it always feels like yesterday when i had to live with the fact that we are minus one in the family.

the only thing that made me upset is the fact that i had to grow up overnight and deal with all money matters in the family. financial contributions and handling family finances are just two different things. so many days i have to live with nothing in my bank account, changing all other foreign currencies to home cos i just have nothing to live on. only consolation i have is that my current job pays good enough to keep the family alive. i just need to save on certain things.

that aside, i live on fairly decently.

i went to donate blood the day before i left for this trip and though it wasn't anything scary anymore, i was pretty surprised when i felt alright after the donation. Until about 4 hours later, i removed the arm band and... i fainted briefly at the airport carpark when mr kwok was loading his bags into the car. his enactment: "i was talking and talking and then when i closed the boot you were nowhere to be seen."

ya laugh all you want.

anyway i am severely lacking good proper rest. after 2 over years in flight i've decided to heck following the local time when i'm overseas and sleep all i want.

so now at 11.30am in NEW YORK NEW YORK, I AM GOING TO SLEEP. and no one is going to stop me or say WHY ARENT U GOING SHOPPING! cos i just ain't. i want to save money.

so there.

bye bye and good night.

take-offs.. and landings.

Staying at the airport hotel was really a darned affair for most of us, the fact that the shopping area was 20 min drive away instead of just across the road was not the damper, but that this hotel we are in, has nothing in the vicinity; no convenience store or whatsoever.

yesterday i did the fastest shopping ever. just got what i needed to get, hung out at apple shop for a while, ran into crate & barrel to see if i could get anything (i didn't...) and sees' candies on union square. no shopping for myself. which was sad, but then again i haven't much to spend because of the change of flights. i wondered if i was slowly becoming a shopaholic, because i almost wanted to heck the allowance and just spend whatever i want. Thankfully i held back. otherwise i'd be really broke.

sometimes i wonder if people here are just lazy or purely inefficient. certain experiences on this trip made me feel that there really are dumb people around.

and because i thought i saw a petrol kiosk on the way to the hotel, this morning i decided to venture out for a run along the bay, and search for that petrol station. the bay area was pretty nice. and i sat down on the benches to look at the planes queueing up to take off.

so many thoughts thru my head. so many times i feel like i want to give up on everything. yet so many times i didn't.

i miss dad.

and i think i'll forever miss him, wondering if things could have been different if only...

sigh. growing up.. growing up... age takes away precious things from you, replacing things with memories which could be lost many years down the road. and so the equation only means.... growing up sucks, doesn't it?

and if i take off from here, will i land where i wish to be?

little miss manners.

getting married is such a hassle.

the wedding preparations... i wonder why people would put themselves through all this trouble. probably why wedding planners are great help. and the fact i won't be seen in a wedding dress anytime soon, makes me feel grateful that i'm not the bridezilla-to-be.

people ask me why i left the public relations line.. cos it seemed so fun and vibrant... and i told them in honesty that sometimes i'm tired of having my brain churn out politically correct answers which somehow can be untrue but sounds 100% true. and then u bring that kinda mentality home. you start talking to loved ones using politically correct answers, forming questions which will lead them to answer it the way you want them to.... and then it defeats the purpose of being truthful and open with your friends and loved ones, doesn't it?

you start being particular about mannerisms, because in PR, image matters. you get particular about the way people talk, because in PR, perception matters.

i am little miss manners, and i ain't shy to admit that. I like it and appreciate it when people display good manners; the basic being saying their 'p's and 'q's. During meal times, i don't like to stare into the inside of someone's mouth; and i don't know how to appreciate loud chomping. i can be a prude, or a bitch at that, but to me, it's just basic manners that one observes.

Telephone conversations are important as well. I don't like to hang up when there's no firm ending to the call; meaning, if both parties do not say goodbye, or when one party doesn't acknowledge the goodbye, then the phone call hasn't really ended, has it? it irks me to no end when someone hangs up after he/she has finished their side of the conversation, and with a 'thank you' or 'bye' they just hang up, while i am probably not yet done with the call. it makes me feel really really ignored.

maybe it's just me. i am a prude. there are just so many instances i can't stomach, and as much as i know i should just try to live with it, i hate the fact that it destroys my mood for the day.

i'm not perfect with manners, either. I do the hang up on people thing when i'm pissed. childish i know, but i get pissed and i'll just not bother. I just don't make bad manners a habit. or make bad habits become lousy manners.

so there.

i'm a prude. i'm a bitch when it comes to manners. shoot me.

hooookay!

so today i got my arse out of the bed, washed and waxed the car (both interior and exterior), brought charcoal out for a run, bathed and groomed him, read some books, did some drawings, and packed some books away, and the freaking irritating thing is, I AM TIRED but i just can't get to sleep.

i did charity today to this group of mosquitoes which made their presence known within 5 minutes with 6 mosquito bites. OOOooh how i hate mosquitoes.

somehow i feel that i still like the loud clicking sound of my ibook compared to the silence when i'm working on a macbook, or macbook pro. i like the clickety click. and ultimately, it's my very first ibook.

on a very different note.. sometimes i think about the relationships i've had when i was younger. those 'set your heart palpitating' kinda crushes that turned into relationships, those talks and promises of the future over late night phone chats, and just mindless, endless walks and busrides to nowhere... it's just puzzling how as i moved on in life, i seldom experience those ... i wouldn't even call it feelings.... but occurrences? long late night phone chats have been slowly replaced with late night sms-es of good nights, mindless endless walks replaced with long drives...

i don't know if i have an idea of a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship that i work towards. in all honesty, i guess i'm old enough to know that there's nothing perfect in this world, and we only make something as perfect as we can. i might not be with the cutest guy in the whole world, but i am with a guy i find really adorable when he makes me laugh even when i'm pissed... we prob might not look compatible because he looks younger than he is and i look older than i really am, but i feel we're compatible when it comes to maturity and knowledge; he might make me pissed at times with his nonsensical talk, still, we communicate a lot on other aspects... so i might not have a perfect partner, but i have someone who is near perfect, and suits me more than just fine.

i probably sound mushy at this point... but the past few days i've been listening to others' relationship woes.. and just being grateful for all that i have.

ok gotta go sleep.

weird dreams

the past few nights, i've been having weird recurring dreams... not totally identical, but similar in many instances.. dreams where i lose money, or i am seen giving money away, or just totally broke.

so everything is about money. and then i went to search for the meaning of my dreams.

To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. Additionally, you may be lacking ambition, power and self-esteem.

To dream about giving money away, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love. To see others giving money away, suggests that you are feeling ignored or neglected. Someone is not paying enough attention and showing enough affection toward you.

To dream that you have no money, denotes that you have a fear of losing your place in the world or that you feel that you lack the abilities needed to achieve some desired goal. You may be overlooked or neglected by others.

how apt.

i kind set a few things in place when i got back from London. Which was good timing, given the fact that i was no longer happy with the arrangements and now that i'm kinda able to handle my own affairs i'm feeling a tad better. just that i'm jealous the Man is having fun eating wanton noodles and mango desserts in hongkong now, and i can only get to do that next week. or 2 weeks later.

oOOOoh well.

london bridge has frozen.

Val told me that "YAY IT'S FINALLY SUMMER AND IT'S WARM AND SUNNY!" and 4 days later she told me it's cold cold.

So now i am here in London. AND summer's kinda GONE.

and Hong Kong got me missing all the late night wanton noodles, mango desserts and oh-so-yummy dimsum. and macau's egg tarts.

ok ok ok i oughta go prepare to go out meet MS BRIDEZILLA..

a random random post cos i'm just so sleepy.

hmmm.

I think the hard truth about getting old is you tend to have more alumni clubs to join, more weddings to attend, and probably more wrinkles on your forehead.

somehow i miss sitting behind the desk, doing all the press releases, marketing stuff, events handling and all, yet sometimes i feel so lazy i'd rather spend my free time surfing the web, reading books, catching up with sleep, or just chatting online.

it's one of those random days again, and it's near 5am in the morning.

shucks i better go to bed.

cookies 'n cream

i'm now sitting at gloria jeans on flinders st, staring outside as people and cars pass me by. gigi stayed over last night with me in crown, just because she's in melbourne to visit her brother n gf.. and she made me walk back to e hotel just because she left her toiletries there. so i did, while she goes off shopping. i'm a nice friend.

i'm not much of a coffee drinker, but days i do i love cuppucinos, strong black coffee and the occasional ice blends.. cookies n cream from gloria jeans is my current favourite..yummy yummy yum.

i wonder what i'd have done with my life had i taken another path to walk on. it puzzles me nonetheless..how we are always on one path and thinking about another. does this apply to relationships as well?

my current never-to-leave-home-without item is my new pocket camera. i was in a bookshop one day n chanced upon this photo book 'memories for my son'... and i thought about how few photos i have with dad..how i never knew but could only imagine his life from the few photos that we have of him... and i decided i don't want to leave the world, my family.. like that. i want to document everything, happy or sad... and keep it. in my memory, in photos.

and this msn chat with qian while typing this entry got me thinking.. why did things that were supposed to be done out of goodwill, out of kindness...and supposed to be from the heart... become the standard procedure in things we do? sometimes i don't understand why we have to rush thru certain things when they emphasize on offering premium experience. and how people like to make others feel lousy about themselves. it irks me. very much.

i'm slowly outstaying my welcome here.. gotta go grab my things and rush back for my simpsons' marathon on fox 8.

can't wait to go home.

it is so awfully hottttt!

it's hot hot hot hot hot i feel like i want to just climb into the fridge and not move.

the aircon's been down since ages ago, i don't intend to fix it but it's so hot hot hot hot hot i miss the cold weather overseas.

i googled "how to make ur room cooler"

argh it's hot hot hot hot hot hot

gonna turn off the lights and the computer and all other appliances (except the fan) so that they wont emit heat.

AAAAAAAARGH!

get it right.

i'm not afraid of working with you, i just don't like to work with you so stop thinking that way.

freaking bi*ch.