I just want...

Qian sent me an sms the other day... "i want a decent, very good looking and very rich man who loves me. is that asking too much?"

Me too. Just that I don't really need a very good looking or very rich man. Just... decent, and loves me alot.

Is that too much?

*****

Been lazy to edit pictures from my first few flights, but it was fun.

Off to London tomorrow.. I promise a full run-through of all my flights! With pics! when I come back that is.

Love ya all.

*****

Updated (after Qian read what I wrote):

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:16 PM)
like the perfect guy never exists u noe

~:Qian:~ says: (10:59:25 PM)
and even if he does im not lucky enough to have him


She's my new philosopher.

Feelings...

I hate the way I'm feeling now. I'm feeling... hurt... sad... lost... envious... and perhaps.. jealous?

I hate ambiguity in anything.

I'm not supposed to feel this way, am I?

Why why why why why?

My "P" plate is on again...

Tomorrow is my doomsday. My first solo flight. To Sydney... Hopefully things turn out well, and I don't get into trouble.

Hesitant, nervous, and worried... But I am not going to let it get to me!!! ARGH!

Oh, the furniture came today, and I had fun shifting around stuffs in my room. My stuffs are still very messiy packed, but... at least it's neater and nicer. I have a TV corner and a sleeping place! WOO HOO!! Er.. wanted to take pictures and put up, but... you know... messy... *heh heh*

So I was bored last night and was just surfing online, and read someone's blog from *gasp* her first entry to current. Thankfully it wasn't years and years of history... Funnily, I could relate very much to her relationship... and in a way, I guess I am somewhat like her, past and present.

It's scary how a relationship can be so fragile... At some point, one party will forget why he or she fell in love with the partner, and perhaps will disregard and take for granted the other party's feelings.

Yet it feels good to be crazily in love, that rush of adrenaline when your lips touch, that tingling feeling you get when his fingers run down your back...

Oh well.

Love hurts eh?

Odd odd..

It's already near 4am and yet I am still very much awake. It's been a boring Friday night, with my plans to go see Eligible Bachelors at MOS cancelled cos I just didn't have the energy to go swoon at men. So Val and Amin called, and demanded that I joined them for coffee, and again, I was plain lazy. Then my dear Jacob called, to join him for drinks at MS, and then again, I didn't want to go because... I was tired. And then I stayed home to play with Charcoal. And blogged. And watched TV. And ate ice cream.

Then the weirdest thing happened.

Despite the hurt, I still very much want to care for him as a friend. In any case, we were good friends before we were together. I asked after him. He was fine, apart from his ever-rising credit card bills. He's stopped clubbing for a while so that he could get his finances in check. Relationship is ok, apart from the normal misgivings and stuffs. And he feels more like an island.

I told him I was really tired and wanted to go home. He reeked of alcohol and I offered to drive him home safely, but he declined. Yet he didn't seem like he wanted to go home.

Perhaps ultimately, I'm just a replacement for someone in everyone's lifes. Perhaps you will never love me as much as you loved her then or perhaps now, or maybe I can never be that special someone who can be part of your life. Worst still, I can never be as good as who I am replacing.

Pain. Pain is an addiction I can never rid myself of. An addiction so strong, I could stab myself over and over again. Morbid, yes, but it's the only thing that reminds me of my sole existence.

My purpose on earth? To fill up that void someone left.

Yes, that's who I'll always be. A replacement, no less.

I wish I can be the special one though
The one you think of before you sleep
The one you think of when you walk down the streets
I wish I can be the one to walk you through
The one who stays on when the road gets tough
The one who hangs on when things go rough
I want to be the one at the altar with you
The one who says she'll live her life with you
The one whom you want to live your life with.

Graduation.... I'm a full-fledged cabin crew!

And so, graduation was on Wednesday.

The skit went on well, and judging from the laughs, the audience quite enjoyed it. Thanks to Louis for coordinating and doing almost everything, to Val for helping out with the music and stuffs, to Jacob for helping to push people to work, to Darren for putting up a good act despite the fact that he was sick, to Kelly for being the loan shark, to Dora and Meera for arranging the food, and the rest for making this grad a success.

I was kinda upset that after graduation everyone just left without a proper goodbye or such. I guess this only shows how bonded our batch is. Especially in the last few weeks, things got a little... out of hand.. and lots of unhappiness surfaced.

Ah well, I was the Best Trainee for my batch, and I delivered my last minute speech in stutter. It's been a long while since I last delivered a speech, and I still think it's easier to write a speech for someone else than for myself.

(As I am typing this entry, Charcoal is farting... in his sleep. POTENT farts. And I figure I will die by morning by poisoning.)

I was cleaning up my room and I found this little pocket daily calendar that I used to write notes in when I was at Mandarin, and I read through what I wrote. I recorded things he did which made me really happy, and things which made me upset... somehow, I couldn't remember how I felt about him in the past. I could remember what we did, what we said, but I just can't remember how I felt then. Me thinks it's weird how someone can disappear from your life totally when he used to be your world in the past. I haven't heard from him in a long while, nor heard news about him. It doesn't matter anyway I guess.

So we're starting to fly soon... and a lot of things will change. Perhaps the group of us Chinks will lose contact with one another, but I really hope we can still keep in contact for as long as possible. Yeap yeap.

I wanna put up pics, but I'm so lazy and my eyes are so dry they threaten to pop out of the sockets.

Tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow.

Sweetened pleasures...

Word of advice to all: Don't hang out in the MRT station near closing. Why? THE FREAKING IRRITATING ANNOUNCEMENT kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.... and when the station is empty, the announcement comes on EXTREMELY loud. Argh. It's now stuck in my head.

And then while watching Munich, my jet lag got the better of me and I fell asleep during the whole show. I've been wanting to watch the show ever since I saw its trailer!!!

I'm such a sleepyhead.

Was outside Meritus Mandarin, and I couldn't help but think back on the times I was working there. I miss working in the hotel industry. The times we tolled till late night, the days of handling projects and events, meeting up with journalists and guests, working with my crazy girls, the colleagues from the other departments... Sigh.

Charcoal has been sniffing around in my room for tissue paper and food. I think it's time I clear up the messy room. Yawn. I'm soooooooooooo sleepy and lazy.

Need to go Ikea to grab my shelves and cupboards.

Ah well, I'm going out to meet the ladies. Laters!

Ogenki desu-ka?

Ohayo!

I got back from Osaka yesterday evening... pretty nice place to shop and walk around, save for the cold winter weather. Till now, I am still very much undecided whether I like or dislike winter. Will be flying off to Melbourne again tomorrow morning.. hopefully I can stay awake throughout the flight.

The team I just flew with was really really nice. Many of them gave me a lot of invaluable advice, and I am very grateful for their care and concern. I hope that everyone I fly with will be like them. (heh, heh)

My sore eyes haven't fully healed. It got pretty bad during my flight, and I almost had to be removed off duty. The worse thing is, I couldn't go for my pool session and had to postpone my diving trip next weekend. This sucks. Stupid sore eyes.

I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about whether I have made the right choice to be in this line. True enough, I am enjoying the travelling, and the work isn't really that bad actually. But I just dont know what I should make of this job, or career, if that is ever going to happen.

And then, what's with everyone, from taxi drivers to buddies, trying to introduce their sons, friends, brothers, whatevers to me? Not that I can get any guy at the flick of my wrist, but then, I definitely think I don't need much help with getting hitched right? Thanks for all the effort though. If I need help, I know who to find. You all should really start some matchmaking agency really.

And I just chipped my nail polish. (*&*&@#&%^^

Off to bed soon.

It feels really nice sometimes to have someone to care for...