::expired::

Why is it that sometimes we yearn to get the things we want, and then when we finally get it, we either no longer treasure it, or.... no longer want it.

Is it because the wait is just too long? Probably we all need time to find the reasons to our actions, the answers to our questions. But it probably is never a priority to some, and so things drag. And then one party gets tired of waiting, wishes to move on, yet can't find the strength to. Why? Maybe afraid of what might be lost if they should give up the wait.

I don't like expiry dates. I sometimes hate the fact that when I try to plan things, I would think "Would things be like this till then?"... I hate expiry dates.

Maybe I should clear out my fridge.

*****

Val sent me this song which I really like, and, I teared after reading the lyrics. WHAT'S UP WITH ME! Why am I turning into a soppy sponge?

Lea:
Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Brad:
Even the stars
Shine a bit bright I've noticed
When you're close to me

Lea:
Still it remains a mystery

Chorus (Both):
Anyone who's seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines Brad: ohh
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Lea:
I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Brad: Lea:
Don't open my eyes Ohhh
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how Tell me how
I could live without you now

Both:
And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Brad:
All my life
I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face

Lea:
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place

(Repeat Chorus)

Both:
Oh, it doesn't take a genius
To know what these are symptoms of
We could be Lea: ohh
We could be, we could be in love

Brad:
Could be in

Both:
We could be in love
~ We Could Be In Love, Lea Salonga & Brad Kane

one night in beijing...

I'm on leave I'm on leave I'm on leave!!!!

Though it's only till next Tuesday, but I'm on leave! No holiday plans, no late night parties... just rejuvenating and probably catching up on sleep. Spending more time with grandma too. :)

*****

Flight up to Beijing was good. Load was light and I had time to strike up conversations with passengers. Met this passenger on board who claimed to have flown on my flight before, to which I think I somewhat have some recollection, but then again, we all look the same in our uniform and makeup.

Was probably in hyper mode due to the lack of sleep (I almost couldn't make it in time for flight), I was jumpy and chatting a lot with the girls on board.

When I touched down in Beijing, first sms was: "reached beijing already? Do take care..." :)

So spent the whole time in the hotel room, ventured out a little to look for food. I was so hungry during lunch, and had a craving for xiao long bao in the afternoon. Stopped at this stall, almost bought my food, when I happened to glance at the menu outside the stall next to it, and it showed "Dead Cat's Ears" (in Chinese). I lost my appetite almost immediately and went back to the hotel distraught.

Then I came home, related the story to mum, and she told me it was another name for "mee hun kuay"... u know, those flat noodls that are triangular shaped. WHATEVER. In China, you get any kind of "delicacy".

*****

Little Miss Sunshine was good. I loved the show, and it was weirdly touching and sweet. I couldn't help but shed tears near the end of the show.

*****

Tired, but I'm gonna force myself to head out to the gym.

I think one day, my eyebags will be big enough to keep the bread rolls on board. One on each side.

*muakz*

xoxo,
jenn

::shagedalic::

So the pictures in my previous post made almost everyone want to go Cape Town. I suppose it'd be a good place to go and unwind, free yourself from woes. But.. go when it's not so cold ok? Brrrrrrrr...

*****

Got back from Sydney last night, and later I'm off to Beijing. This would be the last lap of standby patterns for now. I was soooooooooo tired from the flight I contemplated sleeping in my uniform, then just wake up and go on flight later. hur hur hur.

Seriously stoned. Met up with Sel after I checked in for a chat and drinks (he was the one drinking) till into the late late night. Then packed up and all before I crashed into bed. Jacky gave me a wake-up call for breakfast and I thought I was late, so prepared in a rush and ended up one hour early. So I had honeyed cereals with him in the room and chatted over breakfast.

I love team flights cos I can be really crazy on board and feel really happy. Was in hyper-drive mode on board cos I was really tired. Almost spaced out during meal service, but I guess I was already in auto mode.

I like sweet little gestures, like dragging my cabin bag for me even when I don't need the help, calling to check whether I'm back in the room, making sure I don't end up hungry, taking time to listen to me complain about life and all... even as a friend. Makes me feel comforted to have a friend care for me like that.

And then from faraway... messages to show that I'm constantly missed always bring smiles to my face.

*****

We've taken to putting a chair near the window for Charcoal. Whenever he hears something downstairs, he'd run up the chair and stare out the window. Otherwise when he's bored, he'll be up on the chair, standing on his hind legs and then looking on as the world goes by. Or so I think.

*****

OK. I'm seriously sleepy and I think I'm gonna crash again before I head out for work.

.:somebody:.

Got back from our once-in-a-blue-moon gathering at Ivy's place. I always feel safe when I'm with the guys (ivy included). It's like.. they are the ones who know me best, accepts me for who I am and are always there for me. So over steamboat we were bickering and the usual vegetarian-but-not-buddhist-cos-he-became-vegetarian-out-of-choice chattered the whole night away just because he had nothing to eat on the steamboat table. First time we had a full turn-out for makan, they say. I wish we can have such gatherings more often.

*****

"Eh, I wanna be xiao nu ren sometimes leh. I wanna hide in my nan ren's shadow and bask him with my love and care and all. Then when he needs me to be strong I will be his pillar of support, let him crumble into my arms and tell him that everything will be ok, then help him be strong again. Very difficult meh?"

"You were like that when u were with him wat, just find someone u love can liao."

"U think that easy ah!"

*****

I'm confused with many many things. Words, actions and all. Suddenly someone who disappeared for a while pops out of nowhere and makes me more puzzled with many things.

I'm confusing everyone, cos everyone's confusing me!

ARGH!

*****

To Sydney tomorrow, and after I'm back on Monday, it's crazy flight schedule from Tuesday onwards. Planning to go somewhere when I'm on leave from 30th, but grandma's gotta go for cataract operation. Holiday plans have to wait.

*****

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
~ Somebody, Depeche Mode

:: cape town ::

Cape Town is captivating... Every view is a picturesque moment, and I drained my camera battery dry taking photos there.

We didn't go out in Johannesburg, cos it was only a short stay there. Wanted to head down to Robben Island, where Nelson Mendela was imprisoned, but didn't manage to get the tickets in time. *sigh* But it was clear blue skies all the way, and of course, chilly chilly strong winds.



We went up Table Mountain because the weather permitted, and the cable ride up was fascinating. Once atop the mountain, I headed straight for the cafeteria for hot chocolate cos it was SO COLD! I had frost bite. Sob. But the scenery was breathtaking. I love it. It was a little cloudy, but still we could see the whole of Cape Town.



And because it was the mating season for the whales, we headed out to sea, hoping to catch them in action. But probably they shied away from us, because all we saw were seals, and seals, and seals, and seals, and seals! Boat ride out was bumpy cos of choppy waters, but I enjoyed every moment of it. Some of the seals were daring enough to swim up to us and play around in the waters, "posing" for pictures and all, but no whales.



Lunch was at this restaurant near the jetty. Seafood is cheap here, and lunch cost us less than S$7 per person. Fish and Chips! Delicioussssssss. Love it. Stupid Michael and Melvin started feeding the seagulls and they all strayed near our tables for food. Argh. I was stressed out. VERY.



The lady at the vineyard told us the different characteristics of the wines we tasted. I thought I liked South African wines, but this trip to the vineyard kinda pushed my tastebuds to the dark side. Probably the wines were too young for my liking. The Muscat was SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Sickeningly sweet. Painfully sweet. I don't understand how I can love desserts but hate dessert wines. Out at the vineyards it was peaceful and quiet, but we weren't shown around the vineyards. Sigh.

Cape Town is surrounded by the sea, so we were staring out the window, hoping to catch a view of the whales in the ocean. We did sight some, but it was too far away. Argh. The penguins were.... silly. They ran into the crooks of the rocks when they saw us, save for a few brave souls, then when the tide came in they ran out disoriented. The few brave ones strutted their stuffs and posed for pictures. Probably used to tourists in that area. I kinda got too close to a couple of penguins guarding their eggs, and the male one almost snapped off my fingers. *gulp*

Oh, and I didn't manage to capture this on camera, but there was a sign: "Please look out for penguins under your vehicle before you run off."



Lastly, Cape Point and Cape of Good Hope. In the past, trading ships passed throug Cape of Good Hope before they headed to places like Europe, before the Suisse Canal was open. Cape Point is where the Indian Ocean meets the Atlantic Ocean, and it's the southern-most tip of the South African continent. We climbed up all the way to the top, braving the cold and the thin air, and... well.. again, the amazing view. Took a break before we headed down, and by the time we reached the bus, the shops were closed and I couldn't get my ice cream.

Flight back was... rather challenging. But I met a lot of nice passengers, had the chance to really chat with them and listen to their stories... and having them come up all the way to find me before they leave the plane to give me a hug and some words of encouragement really made my day. As tired as I was, I wished all flights could be like this, leaving me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.

*****

Finally understood why dad did what he did after a long chat. Probably things will turn out better now that everything's pretty much in the works. I just want my family to be happy.

i hate being me...

*edit: post deleted. I've thought about it and I guess I'll just have to follow whatever decision is made. I was just being whiney.*

Tonight I'll be heading for Johannesburg and Cape Town. A good break from home, away from the unhappiness that's been hanging up in the air for these couple of months.

Cheerful songs and movies seem to have no effect on me at the moment. But I'll be fine when I get back I suppose.

Bye all.

Nu flava of da weeeeeeeeeek.

Found this song and I kinda like it...

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family)
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won’t hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

No I won’t hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours

Am I? Do-do-do-do-doooo...

::frankfurters and frankfurt::

Ok... Now I'm in the crew lounge waiting to go for some kind of drinking session. Frankfurt's nice, but a tad boring for me. Probably cos I am down with flu and so confined myself in my room when the girls went out clubbing.

Ah well. Hope the flu gets well. I don't like it that my voice sounds nasal and my sentences are punctuated with coughs.

Heard some lovely news from Qian and am glad things are going her way for once. Come home quick come home quick!

Watched 'Take the Lead' last night in the confines of my room, and ended up feeling really upset not cos of the show, but of my desire to go back to dance. I so love doing the tango... it's like.. sex on the dance floor. The man leads, the woman follows, as in all dances. But the display of fiery love and passion... the response to a man's lead... that intense grasp of the body, that sharp turn as the man twirls the lady.. that heightened feeling of feeling wanted... sigh. Can someone get an orgasm on the dance floor?

I so desperately want to go back to dancing. And I know I should do something about it instead of whining and all, but the only way I see is to hire private coaching, and that needs a lot of moolah. Sigh.

*****

Much as I don't want to ever get hurt again, I still yearn to fall in love madly, like throw myself off a cliff and not bother about where I land. I crave for a kind of love where there isn't any expiry date set, something which I don't even think about the end yet or at all, if I can afford it.

But I know that I don't have the luxury of such relationships, and my reason for being there and then not is because I want to.. be able to leave easily when it ends. Like.. just stand up and go. They always say, the person who cares less in a relationship is the more powerful one.. isn't it so true? But to limit myself from feeling, from caring like I always do, it's almost as if I am stopping myself from being me. Yet if I want to be me, will I be putting pressure on someone else, will I be smothering him with me?

Sigh. I don't even know what I'm babbling about and I'm not even drunk yet.

lazy saturday afternoon...

Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.

So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.

But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.

*****

So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.

Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?

Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.

And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.

Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...

HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.

*****

I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.

*****

Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.

Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.

*****

The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt

a foggy day... in london town....

Back from London! Finally a different pattern from the ones I always seem to get. I had a great time there, sitting on the grass in the parks, eating sandwiches, salads, fish and chips.. just lazing around. I brought my blades there as well, and did a 15 min blading session before I decided to stop. I was afraid of landing on my bum and having everyone laugh at me.

So I took a long stroll from Hyde Park all the way to Kensington, basking in the warm sunlight and the cool breeze. Had this weirdo follow me on a bike and then circling around me, until I gave him the "OH FUCK OFF" face and then he scooted off.

I am happy. Like blissfully happy, even though it's temporary.

I don't know what or how I should be feeling... but well... live for the moment.

Gonna take a nap.

Yawnz.

oopsy daisy...

After some confusion, Qian and I realised we are never going to meet up in London after all. Guess we were too excited and got the dates wrong. Sigh.

Met the PT-bf for lunch, and a little shopping spree today. Are you really happy? mean... you seem to be and yet not. he asked over lunch. I shrugged. Haha, probably it's this "mysterious" side of you, that makes people want to know you and protect you more. Probably I'm not entitled to thinking too much about what I'm in? I offered an answer in vain.

I guess I choose not to think about certain things.. so that at least I might be happier for that short while.

Till it sizzles out I guess.

Oh, and I bought my blades! Yes, I know I shouldn't indulge... but I haven't bought any major purchases for myself for a while! ...i think. Lugging the pair to London so I can blade in Kensington Park.

Looking back, I really haven't been thinking much about things. Running away? Probably so. It's easier to handle when you don't have to face up to it. Am I a coward? I don't think so... I run away because I have no right to feel anything anymore. If only I could gather the strength to move on, to move ahead, to move out... I might probably be happier, but then again not.

So many unknowns out there for me to uncover.

Oh oh~ And my cable TV died on me. It gave out a POP sound when I switched it on and is in RIP mode. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Hands are shaky, palms sweaty, heart palpitating. I... need.... HBO.. NatGeo... Travel & Living... hellppppp....

*yawn*

Bread pudding! Yesterday was a rushed affair for me. Had to do some grocery shopping last minute, and come home to prepare dinner for family. So decided to make bread pudding as dessert with the leftover bread. I love the sweet sauce I made the last time round, but it was only enough for 2 servings of the pudding. Then it was the chicken wraps which mum loves, and I was out again.

Red wine helps me sleep well. Should I indulge in a couple of glasses every night?

I'm kinda back into the "oh-i-so-wanna-cook-or-bake" phase. Been missing cooking and all. Macaroni and cheese today. The guys loved it. Probably when i come back from London I should get my ass down to cooking more for the family.

*****

Dubai was hot. Hot. Had the luxury of being a passenger on the way up, but I slept halfway through Nacho Libre cos I was just too tired. Refused both meals and reached the hotel feeling famished.

Sometimes I really wonder what it is with men. My ass got touched at the airport, and I was followed by 2 men from inside the hypermarket, all the way back to the hotel. Was a good thing I bumped into some of the crew on the way back.

And then back in Singapore... I HATE IT whenever I'm in the car waiting for the lights to turn green and men in the next car/van/truck/whatever stare in. Or when I am walking down an aisle, some backalley and they stare. Or when I am walking down the road and guys horn, slow down, whatever. I have a good mind to show them my long middle finger. bastards. One day... ONE DAY i will throw my shoes at them.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

*****

I am supposed to go do some shopping today... but... since 11am I've been stuck in bed and surfing the net.

OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK time to go.

i should....

... be sleeping now but still I can't seem to doze off.

Feeling rather lethargic throughout the day, but yet didn't feel like sleeping. Now my eyelids are heavy, yet when I close my eyes I just feel restless.

This is so not helping my health and all.

Been feeling rather happy lately, but wonder how long this "temporary" happiness will last.

*****

My 'part-time boyfriend' is finally back from the States after 1.5 years of studying.

I like how you look when you're dressed down. I like it that you seem to be 2 different persons, yet with the same personality. he said, when I met him earlier in the day. I asked why. You look like the simple, sweet girl, the chummy gal pal, the guys' buddy whenever you're dressed down, and the sexy, attractive lady whenever you're dressed up to the nines. Aiyah. The same old you lah.

Thanks dear. It's good to hear from someone that I'm still the same old me.

*****

Oh no Oh no Oh no.

Need to wake up at...7 am? and it's already... 4.30am!

Shucks.

Sleep. sleep sleep sleep.

I shall count sheep. Or think of bubble words.