don't save me.

it's come to a point where i feel that even if i choose to die, i can't go in peace because there are so many things i have yet to do for my mum and brother. and i know i have friends, i am not alone, but it's just not easy for me to just open up and tell anyone and everyone how fucked up i feel. how do i tell people that every single minute i am thinking about how i have to save money for the house, how unsure i am about finances, how i can't bring tears back home cos it'll only worry mum...

and ever since young i've been taught to be independent. being independent is good, but it also means i find difficulty relying on other people for help. I find all i need by myself, and sometimes i do, though pretty seldom, accept help from other people. it sucks, because many times i feel that i'm all alone in this though i know fairly well it's not true because i do have people with me. Yet i can't help but feel very deserted.

and just now when i was driving around feeling upset and sorry for myself, i scrolled through my handphone and didn't know who to call. i just don't know how to make someone feel the way i do, or tell them what i was feeling right at that moment, and i didn't want to spoil their day by dumping everything on them. what do i want to get out of calling them? assurance that things will get better? that i've heard so many times. but i have no patience. i don't know when that day will come, or if that day will ever come.

it's almost as if should i fall into the sea, and start to drown for whatever reason, i will just stop trying to float. like meredith in gray's anatomy, when she just gave up staying alive. i feel that exact same way. like if something untoward happens to me, i will just walk towards that bright light and never turn back.

writing all this out made me cry again, and i'm tired of whining like this, and yet whatever i do is simply not enough in my standards. like the money i've painstakingly saved for the past 3 years is simply NOT enough to get us a new place.

i want to hate dad, i really want to. i wanted to scream at his picture and scold him for not leaving us the place so that we have a roof over our heads and don't have to struggle to find a place. given that we've stopped taking money from him since i stepped into poly it just doesn't seem fair that nothing comes to us. but i just couldn't hate him at all.

fuck the coward i am, i have no guts to hire a lawyer to fight for our home, i don't want anything from him, i just want our home. i have no guts to get a lawyer to submit the request to view his will (if he did leave any) because i am so afraid to find out that he did leave a will but our names aren't inside. and to hire a lawyer, costs money and time, which i am pretty sure i do not have.

so if you thought i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, i will stuff that spoon in your mouth and you can tell me whether it's silver or not. I know i can survive this in the end. but from now till then, i really don't see myself pulling it through.

morbid

i just killed a mosquito. and all i thought of was DIE U LOUSY BLOOD SUCKER DIE!

sigh. very random i know. But the past few days saw a fever that came back, a jab overseas before i was able to fly back, lots of sleep thankfully but not enough to make up for all those lost hours, and lots of thoughts.

so many times i wished i could just leave and not have all these problems onto me. at least when i'm gone, my mum and brother will get what i have and i'm sure given the insurance polices i hold it should last them quite a bit. i look at charcoal and i hope and hope that if there ever is a next life, i want to be a dog. if i'm lucky, i end up in a good home with love and never ending food, if not i'll just live off the streets' dump. if i'm doomed i'll probably end up in some fucked up family and then be abandoned. like what they say, it's a dog's life.

i know there are people out there worse off than i am. and i shouldn't really be complaining but i do feel the pressure now and then, and i am ready to give up anything in my life just to sort this one out. i don't want to bother about what others think of me already, not like i did much anyway, and if i could, i want to sleep forever and never wake up.

then again, it won't solve my money problems.

fuck life.

i'm overwhelmed by the amount of money and work that is required to purchase a house.

i need beer.

one more leg to home.

finally, tomorrow i'm heading home.

probably it's been a while since i've been on such a long flight, i kept yearning to be home and resting. Or it could be the fact that the flu is bugging me to no end, making me crave for a lot of things only home would have: charcoal's cuddles, mum's soup, my bed... that i really am looking forward and counting down to the time i go on board and back home.

i spent most of my time sleeping in istanbul, and though it's not exactly my first visit there, i was not at all keen to go out. And dubai is hot and humid, though slightly cooler than the last i was here at 41 degrees celcius, it's not exactly the most fantastic weather to go out in.

mum told me that by june, we'd be expected to shift out. sigh, i don't know what to think, or what exactly to do, and i can't wait for the wind to carry me to wherever it wants to. i can't bear to leave too, my memories, my life, my childhood, all spent in this home. and i've tons of stuff! argh.

i miss home. but knowing that so many things are expected to change once i get home...

sigh.

misfortune

a dark cloud seems to follow me wherever i go. it's almost as if i'm standing under a raining umbrella, soaking wet, when others are in the bright bright sunlight, dry.

and the cravings for mos burger and ramen, as well as my mummy's soup did not stop me from snacking on oreo cookies, coco pops and whatnots. so much for looking skinny.

the team boy told me to change the brand of soap i am using. perhaps i should heed his advice.

heading up to istanbul later, and i'm feeling more sick than ever.

HELP.

and because i usually get all the wishes i get nowadays, which are those that will affect me and my bank account in a bad way i think i will keep my mouth shut.

*zipppp*

buh byeeeeeeeeeeee.

things are slowly falling into place, and hoping that it works out a lot better with this arrangement...

and i don't know why i am sick again after just recovering from flu.

this sucks.

a series of unfortunate events.

i have been so unlucky recently, i don't know where to begin.

it's INFURIATING.

firstly the loss of my passport which led to me not being able to work for a while, then last night's saga was enough to surpass the most unfortunate event in my life.

right now, i need beer, and sleep. LOTS OF SLEEP.

and money.

weddings and marriages; like cakes and tummyaches.

Adrian & Val pulled it off, though the skies rained mercilessly. It was a very beautiful party, and I cried buckets. I am a lousy Maid-of-Honour because, 4 words into my speech i started to tear. Muahaha. Nonetheless, everyone enjoyed themselves, parents, in-laws, friends, guests, everyone!

I think marriage is a very, very, very big commitment. I love weddings, I do. I love to see the groom waiting anxiously, beneath that calm facade, at the end of the aisle for the bride, and the look on his face when he sees the love of his life walk in. It takes my breath away, and never fails to make me cry. Wedding vows, wedding dances, wedding music... all of which i love. Which is why i love planning weddings for people!

But marriage, is a totally different ball game altogether. Aly said that it's just like being in a relationship, to which i agree. Yet, when you're in a relationship, if things don't work out, there's always a way out - the exit. That would be the easy way out. But in a marriage, because it's sacred, it takes a lot more... work. A lot more compromising, a lot more acceptance, and a lot more understanding. And then we talk about forgiveness, and selflessness.

I often wonder how it could ever be possible for a wife to forgive a cheating husband; i just cannot. To stand by someone through richness and poor, i could do it; through health and illness, that I could too; the good and bad times doesn't sound too difficult... but when you are married, you exchange vows, and if you should not hold up to your side of the vow, should you be forgiven?

I'm just rambling... but the recent months have seen the most weddings in my life. All of which magical, all of which memorable. And thank you for letting me be part of that magical moment, as you celebrate your next milestone in life.

I just don't know if i will ever be ready for marriage. Maybe i don't work hard enough, or maybe i don't want it hard enough. Maybe one day i might finally get married, and maybe i might not. But between now and then, I would have to work harder at learning the fundamentals of love.

i don't understand.

if communication is meant to improve things, so why do the things i mention time and time again still happen?

it's infuriating.