morbid

i just killed a mosquito. and all i thought of was DIE U LOUSY BLOOD SUCKER DIE!

sigh. very random i know. But the past few days saw a fever that came back, a jab overseas before i was able to fly back, lots of sleep thankfully but not enough to make up for all those lost hours, and lots of thoughts.

so many times i wished i could just leave and not have all these problems onto me. at least when i'm gone, my mum and brother will get what i have and i'm sure given the insurance polices i hold it should last them quite a bit. i look at charcoal and i hope and hope that if there ever is a next life, i want to be a dog. if i'm lucky, i end up in a good home with love and never ending food, if not i'll just live off the streets' dump. if i'm doomed i'll probably end up in some fucked up family and then be abandoned. like what they say, it's a dog's life.

i know there are people out there worse off than i am. and i shouldn't really be complaining but i do feel the pressure now and then, and i am ready to give up anything in my life just to sort this one out. i don't want to bother about what others think of me already, not like i did much anyway, and if i could, i want to sleep forever and never wake up.

then again, it won't solve my money problems.

fuck life.