and so because i am bored... (what's new)

Ok i know i've been updating obsessively, but I am bored.

So I met up with Chilli earlier today to walk around London, but it was raining, raining, raining, raining, raining. I thought it'd be nice to take the London Eye, but it was raining, raining, raining, raining, raining. So we walked about in the dreary weather, and made our way to Buckingham Palace before we headed back to the hotel.

And at the Palace, we noticed one of the guards was marching to and fro his post every 2 minutes.

Chilli: Why does he keep moving?
Me: I think he needs to pee.

... ok.

Taken outside the Palace:

because i've been tagged...

6 weird things about myself:

But before I start this, I must put a disclaimer: I am not weird. Really. REALLY!!!

1. I hate brinjals/ aubergines/ eggplants, mangosteens... just because they are purple. And I no likey purple food.

2. I have very small nostrils, which I don't find weird but others do.

3. When I am overseas, I like to turn the TV on to CNN, so that I don't feel so alone in the room. People talk on CNN, you know? And I feel that in my subconscious mind, I can digest news better.

4. I like to cook (sometimes), but I never like to eat the things I cook. So I make people eat and I watch. hur hur hur.

5. I like the taste of wasabi. Just because it hits my nose. Just because.

6. er.... erm... ah... I am not weird. Can't think of 6 weird things lah!

I don't know who I should tag. So.. whoever wants to do it just do it. heh heh.

but... but... but....

I was in my crew seat during landing and I saw a passenger seated across me holding on to a book, and she was using a pamphlet of Penang as a bookmark.

And I saw, from the pamphlet: "Penang... Pearl of the Orient."

No offence to Penang residents, but... I thought Hong Kong was the Pearl of the Orient???

Hmm.

Just checked into the hotel, and I don't feel sleepy as yet. But I should get sleep soon.

Yawnz. I'm trying to make myself tired.

Gonna meet Chilli Crab later, since he's just across the room, and we gonna do touristy stuffs. And I am gonna be the tour guide.

Heh heh heh.

Ciaoz.

the past has a way of catching up with us, somehow.

and my template somehow went haywire, so it's back to the minimal. Hopefully i'll get to change it when I get back from flight.

Maybe I am not cut out for this after all.

Since young, I've been pretty much independent. I grew up learning how to fix the electrical appliances at home, how to manage on my own, and even headed out overseas alone after O levels. Nothing could ever scare me (except for the occasional flying insects) and I always managed to muster up courage to do things I wanted to. I made decisions on my own, and did pretty much whatever I wanted to do.

So then it is no surprise that in my previous relationships, I probably took the role of the decision-maker most of the time, being headstrong and all, and probably somehow, slowly the men around me felt they could no longer be the 'alpha-male' and started being unhappy, and then that's when I get upset with them, they with me, and then things go wrong. Yeah I can be understanding most of the time, I don't mind if we don't meet up often, I've grown to be pretty self-sufficient, but then sometimes it backfires too.

And then after the last one, I've grown to getting used to being on my own, so when someone else comes along it becomes a very hard struggle for me to throw away my independency and be part of something. I get scared, I get frightened, and then sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, I get insecure. I worry that I won't be able to pick myself up again if things should fail. I worry that I wear my heart on my sleeve and then get hurt again. I worry that I'll be in too deep and then I can't get out. And so I remain guarded, and wary. It gets tiring though.

I don't dare plan too far into the future, cos I don't know if it will ever get to that day. So I live a 'come what may' life, albeit with apprehension... far too much apprehension I think.

And then when people hide the truth from me, I wonder if I brought it upon myself, so much so that people find it difficult to be honest with me. Then again, I probably tend to discount the truth presented and it becomes unfair to the person who's trying his best to be honest.

So yeah, maybe I ain't cut out for this. Then again, I want to throw myself off the cliff and not bother about where I land. And I've decided, the past shall be the past and it won't matter anymore. What you don't know won't hurt. Ultimately.

So I'll just try and open my heart a little, take that leap of faith and see how things go.

Tomorrow I shall wake up a changed person.

A picture of Charcoal taken on his birthday (he refused to wear the hat):


And because Gigi wants me to blog about her, here goes:
Gigi is Wong Sam Ba
Midori is Liu Mam Bo.

k bye.

I did a Hong Kong turnaround yesterday, came back around 7 pm, had dinner, and slept at 9pm, till about 10 this morning. I think I did wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night, but I went back to sleep shortly after. That was how tired I was. But it's a personal achievement! I've never slept so long before! I think I might have, but usually 2 nights' sleep don't add up to as much as what I did last night. Hur hur hur.

and i snored.

ARGH.

I've never been a snorer until recently. Hate it.

And today's a lazy day... so I'm just gonna read and read and read.

BYE!

how random can i get?

Got called up for a Hong Kong turnaround, which I am supposed to be reporting in... 5 hours time.

Argh. And I think I am having better luck in mahjong. Heh heh.

OooOH i love mahjong.

Ok gotta go sleep.

I don't know how long I can put up with this.

Not in the mood to do anything today, so I went to get MC for my menstrual cramps.

Gonna bum around at home with Charcoal, he's KING today.

I'll just push it to the back of my mind and hope it never comes back up again.

I don't know what it is with some people who like to pick on other people. I wonder what kind of sick joy they derive from berating people and putting them down. Flight back was alright, apart from the fact that the colleague was treated unfairly by the boss, and that made the whole flight rather dreadful.

Was in Beijing, and spent my time doing massage and shopping, though I ended up not buying anything. Gawd, I'm addicted to massage, but the masseuse commented that my back was very bony and would end up with bruises if she used more force. But I insisted on forceful massages, and she was right. Now my back is peppered with tiny bruises. Ouch.

Today is such a hot day. The fan blasting at high speed did nothing to stop me from feeling hot and bothered. Perhaps I have been feeling unsure about a lot of things, and then have been treating people whom I care about a lot unfairly recently. I don't know, but it feels so much different from the past. I don't know if it's a good thing or it's just something that's a passing phase, but if things work out it'd be good. Maybe I'm just not used to it.

I'm off to Narita tomorrow, and hopefully shopping therapy works.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST CHARCOAL!

*woof woof!*

and because it's his birthday, I will allow him to type on my precious iBook. But he's sleeping now, so the offer ends.

hmmm?

It's been a lazy couple of days ever since I got back from Auckland. And I was down with flu again. Kinda sucks ah, that I seem to fall prone to illnesses every couple of months. Ever since I was back, it was mahjong, sleep, TV, sleep, movies, sleep, and last night, KTV, sleep.

Managed to meet up with Jacob, Darren, Val and Louis for a movie, and 300 was fantabulous! The graphics were awesome, and Gerard Butler never fails to charm me with his... set of teeth. hee. Ah well, when he was acting in Phantom, all I could see was that set of teeth and his eyes. So I could recognise that set anywhere. Ok, that sounded a little wrong. The movie depicted Asia as an exotic place, with weird creatures and all. But a great movie, one I wouldn't mind watching a second time.

Then supper at Upper East Coast Road's Hong Kong Cafe, just because Darren didn't want to eat at the Hong Kong-styled cafe where we were at! I can't remember what we were talking about the whole day, but it was good to see them again. I just hope this friendship stays for long.

And at home, season 4 of 24 kept me up till morning, and finally dragged myself to bed after 3 or 4 episodes. I am such a TV junkie.

A guy friend posed me this question the other day, how would you know if you are happy with someone? And it somewhat became a debate to whether happyness is a state of mind or not. And if it becomes a state of mind, isn't it a rather... sad thing? That's the irony of it all, isn't it? And we all want to protect ourselves, especially if we've been through shit before. In the midst of protecting myself, I lost the ability to love, to even think about being with someone for long. I'm afraid of being too attached, and being in too deep. Sometimes I want to, but otherwise, I fear. So he said I should adopt this heck-care-come-what-may attitude, and it would get me further than I actually aim to. So probably it might. But then... it would be kinda... and empty ride for me, wouldn't it? Heck lah. I don't even know how to describe the way I am feeling now. It's just.. like there and not there kinda thing.

Shucks.

Leaving for Auckland...

... with a heavy heart.

So dinner was at his place with Princess Lala and Kuku Angie (I'm sorry dear, that's the name in ste's phone directory, I feel compelled to use it) and it turned out great.

And the fact that I'm going to leave for flight despite not having more than 5 hours rest since last night doesn't make me feel any happier.

I think... I just can't.

ka-bonk!

SO I got back from flight last evening, and was so tired I totally crashed after I showered, and woke up in the middle of the night looking for food. Doesn't help that I've gained a few kilos but I attribute it to lack of toilet visits. *indignant*

Then this afternoon something very embarrassing happened to me. I was busy texting someone after my massage, and then I walked into the glass door. Sigh. It was as if time froze then and everyone stared at me. Damn. And now I am nursing a nasty bruise on my right knee. Ouch.

I don't know what's come over me. These days I feel easily distracted, and easily irritated. Some people think I have the best job ever, flying around the world and earning money whilst at it, but then I realised this isn't making me as happy as others think I should. So how? But then again, I don't know what would make me happy. Sometimes I go work feeling like the happiest person on earth and then there are times I just want to disappear and hide in my shell.

And expectations kill don't they? I try very hard to work up to everyone's expectations I feel so unhappy with myself. Like.. Why am I doing this? Why do I lose myself in the midst of trying to make everyone happy? And my confidence gets shaken, shattered time and time again. Day by day I'm slowly not being who I used to be.

sigh.

comfortable...

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us, if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say 'shes gonna be good for you'
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, hey

She thinks I can't see the smile that shes faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back
- Comfortable by John Mayer

my pursuit of happiness.

So finally I watched 'The Pursuit of Happyness' yesterday, and wondered if I have ever given up pursuing my own happiness.

I've got loads to say.. but somehow i feel very, very tired.

Gonna be away for a couple of days... and I miss a lot of people in my life.