dad passed away while i was on the flight to frankfurt.

i checked into the hotel, and couple of hours later mum called to tell me the news. i cried, and cried till words couldn't come out, till i couldn't breathe, till i shivered.

i didn't know what to do and i just fell onto the floor and huddled in a corner. i called L and asked him what i should do amidst sobs, and he told me to breathe, as i started having seizures. i wanted to cry till i could cry no more. i wanted to scream, but nothing came out. and so i called one of the colleagues, whom i knew would still be up at that unearthly hour, and asked her for advice. she came over immediately with the chief, and both of them sat with me until the IFS came down, and we continued waiting for instructions from the office.

the call came in just after the trio left my room, and was informed to pax back on the earliest morning flight home. i cried as the staff said, "i'm sorry to hear of your loss." i cried as i was painting my nails, i cried as i was packing my bag for home. i wished i had no tears but i still continued crying. i couldn't sleep initially, and slowly succumbed to sleep. Dreamt a little, and when i woke up, i didn't remember what happened, but when i saw my packed bag and the stack of crumpled tissues next to me, it hit hard and i started crying again. i'm a crybaby i know.

so i prepared for flight. my eyes swollen, i couldn't put on the eyeshadow proper. i couldn't do up the hair well, either. i made a lot of calls to anyone i could think of, and cried as i told them. i want to be strong, eventually, but now i want to be weak. the IFS, chief and the colleague, all of whom became my family for this flight, came down with me to see me off.

during the flight, i ate nothing and slept. got woken up for fruits and cereals, which i forced myself to eat, and as the plane was landing, all i could think of was the fact that i have to accept that dad has passed on. i cried silently as the plane taxiied on the runway, and as the all familiar "welcome to singapore, ladies and gentlemen..." greeting came on, i decided i didn't want to go home after all. When i walked out of the aircraft, bidding goodbye and extending my appreciation to felix, tears rolled down uncontrollably. At the end of the aerobridge, I saw one of our STC staff waiting to take me through everything.

i'm home now, and yet i still kinda can't accept that dad is gone. i don't know when i'll ever accept it... and the fact that mum, bro and i are not allowed to partake in the funeral procession nor pay our last respects to dad as per instructions from the other family, made it a lot worse for me. My relatives on dad's side were very sympathetic, all calling to offer their condolences and that they'd help us in every way they can to let us send dad off. maybe, just maybe, they might change, my aunt said. i seriously doubt so.

my fond memories of dad are few, the times when i pretend to be asleep just to have him carry me up home and tuck me into bed, the times when we had breakfast on sunday mornings, and then walks at the park nearby after, the times he cooked burnt fried rice and claimed that he liked it burnt, all of which were memories when i was young. the last few memories of him were him holding my hand as i lay in the hospital bed after my op, him bringing us out for mother's day dinner, and him calling to check on me whenever i go on flights.

i lost a dad i don't know well enough. i don't know how old dad is, i don't know which year he was born in, i don't know how he was like as a kid, i don't know how he worked till this age, i don't know how he grew up, i don't know what he thought about us, i don't know what he expected out of us, i don't know a lot of things. I'm sorry for the times that could have been.

and now i know.

these tears i shed..... are tears of regret.