i haven't been to london in the longest time ever, and this trip kinda reminded me why i heart london so.

fish and chips, marks & spencer, habitat... and of course, catching up with friends who live here tops the cake. Almost wanted to change the flight away for pure off days, decided against it because mr bank account won't look happy, and it was a good thing i did the flight though, the trip up was a bonus with a very easy load, a seldom seen scenario on long flights.

though most times after flights it becomes a back-to-reality kinda scenario, i figure i've been holding up pretty well. of course, it helps that most stations i fly to, i have friends residing there, or friends who are willing to bum down all the way to catch up with me. and these friends, make me feel like i'm home even though i'm far away in europe.

and because i'm heading to new york, new york next month, paul invited me to take part with him in a ballroom dancing competition! i'm psyched up about it, but that means once i touch down in new york i have to run to his place and practice like hell, and take part in the competition the next day, and run back to the hotel for standby. it'll work out i guess, but i just don't know if i can dance still.

sometimes i still do cry, hiding beneath the covers. Probably a false sense of security and warmth. of course i yearn the human hugs, and lots of kisses from charcoal, but since i can neither pack charcoal or a human into my cargo bag (oh freak i shudder to think).. i have to make do with what's available.

i just settled a whopping credit card bill for the month, and thinking far ahead into the future, i don't know what holds. and sometimes i feel drained, like i just want to run away and hide but i know i can't do that forever.

honestly, i don't know what it will take to find the old me-self back. and i want the old jenn back. i can't live life like that knowing that behind each smile, i am never happy.