it's time.

i need to find peace, and happiness within myself.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

i'm tired of being the one who's making everyone else upset. i'm tired of saying sorry when things go wrong, because it happens far too often. i'm tired of hearing sorrys, because it only makes me feel frustrated that things have come to this stage. i'm starting to detest, and really detest, the word 'sorry', because it slowly means nothing to me anymore. i'm tired of losing my temper ever so easily, because i never used to. and i dont know how to deal with this because i've never done it before.

i'm not trying hard enough, and it's not fair for me to put anyone through all this.

the water is wide...

Sarah McLachlan - The Water is Wide
with The Indigo Girls and Jewel
from Lilith Fair: a Celebration of Women in Music

The water is wide, I can't cross o'er
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I

Now love is gentle, and love is kind
the sweetest flower when first it's new
but love grows old, and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew

There is a ship, she sails the sea
she's loaded deep as deep can be
but not as deep as the love I'm in
I know not how I sink or swim

The water is wide, I can't cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I
and both shall row - my love and I *lyrics from: lyrics007.com

how do you find happiness in a life you see no future in?
and everywhere you turn, somehow you have this sense of melancholy, and with that, a heavy heart.
how do i lighten steps which feel laden with lead?
which seem to leave dark imprints on the ground i walk?

how many people must i hurt before it seems enough?
how do i get rid of all these frustrations... everything that consumes me?

i thought i'd take a nap before leaving london later.

but i tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. stared at the only family picture i have on my handphone wallpaper... and slowly wondered if i am still living a dream.

it just feels.. somehow... that dad is still around, you know? and that when i wake up later i'll see him.

and sometimes i just don't want to wake up. because waking up means i have to face reality. yet if i am living a dream now, maybe when i wake up dad will still be around.

sigh.

zzzless.

4.18am.
and dear me needs to wake up to prepare for flight around 8am.
quickly rush to beat the morning office go-ers on wheels, and get lost on the roads leading to the arrival pick up area.

i am slowly being repaired, but the voice is nowhere near angelic. and london tomorrow, as well as in the new roster.

remind me never to complain ever again about not having london flights in a long while, and having too many paris/zurich flights. I actually miss zurich.

and so.

off days don't ever seem to be enough, and it's scary really how i no longer can picture myself doing other kinds of work already.

this is sad. tres triste!

such is life, isn't it? it's only 3 months into the new year, and by first week of march i already would have been to london thrice.

my second home.

listening vs hearing.

after a talk with a close friend a couple of days back, i can see why sometimes things don't work out between two people.

listen, and acknowledge you're listening to what the other party says.
people can tell whether you are really listening, or just letting the words flow thru from the left ear to the right one.

and slowly the person will give up trying to tell you anything at all.

simply because, there is just no point.

for that person will only be talking to a wall.

so in 2007.. i've learnt..

... not to bother too much about tarnished nails so long as i can't tell they are tarnished from far.
... super shiny top coats and fast drying top coats (talking about nails duh duh duh) are the answers to beautiful nails.
... big huge corporations have big huge idiots sitting at the top with big huge goals and no big huge ideas how to attain them.
... flu can be contagious, even over facebook.
... certain problems are not that easily settled by replacing the number of losses, because you simply take away the quality.
... that one cannot be expected to give first class end product when being compensated peanuts.

ooooh i'm such a whiner.

but on the bright side,
i am recovering from the horrid flu and slowly passing on to whoever i've spoken to over facebook, and msn. I am evil. i really cant help it, but i've got half the people online in my list with the nickname "flu.... flu....stupid dripping nose" or similar.

and on the brighter side,
i think i will lose weight if more of my flights depart from terminal 2 instead of 3. such a freaking distance to walk.

bah.

and to step down from the hong kong flight i was called up for, and then called up later for a bangkok turnaround was a gift.
lur-va-lee.

p/s: should i worry that i'm thinking about cheesecake and deep fried chicken wings and steak and ice cream and tom yum soup and korean instant noodles when it is near midnight (read: bedtime) and i still have a cough and sore throat?

please handle with care.

and i am defective. like spoilt goods. i decided i can't operate flight tonight, and dragged myself out of bed to visit the doctor. so i am diagnosed, tagged, with viral infection; symptoms being sore throat, full blown flu, cough, muscle ache, and the freaking low blood pressure again.

it's been a while since i feel so ill. yeah i've had downtimes but this seems like the first in a long while that i took so many days off work to recuperate. sigh.

so another 2 days in addition to my first mc in 2008. and it's not even... 2 weeks into the new year. what a start.

waiting for the medication to set in before i succumb to sleep. and managed to surf blogs and found this gem... posting it up because i feel that.. it is very meaningful.

hoping dad is happier wherever he is.


千の風になって



(translation)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

*source: sharon

i seriously do not..

...need any more emails telling me i should increase my penis size or satisfy my girlfriend better in bed.

how do i let them know that i have no penis whatsoever, and i only need to know how to satisfy men in bed?

sigh. the sleeping schedule is pretty good, i think i have been getting a lot of sleep this week compared to last month, but i still dont feel like i'm recovering from my cough flu laryngitis watchamacallit.

and i really don't want to take another day's mc.

it sucks.

being sick sucks.

*roooooooooooooooooar..cough cough cough*

i survived the 14 hour flight back from london sitting in the cramped cramped seat. and a colleague with conjunctivitis paxed back together with me. but sadly i wasn't much of a companion to him because i promptly knocked out after 10 minutes of my ingestion of flu medicine.

apparently the tylenol did nothing to him and he suffered by watching 3 films and having his meals.

ok the voice is coming back, but i've been vice-free for 5 days in a roll. maybe i can quit my bad vices like smoking and drinking. then again. social drinking ain't really drinking right?

and then sheldy had to send me this link to bachelors on deal or no deal. you know what i say? sigh. no deal. apart from the chosen 2. the babes on deal or no deal are so much more lookable than the guys.

sigh. no more cute guys here in sunny singapore. i'm depressed. i need alcohol.

ok bye bye more sleep time.

2008 eh? i've been muted.

what a start to a brand new year.

and here i am in london, without my voice. literally. and i am down with flu. so it's aching bones and a freaking headache that wouldn't go away. and the voice didn't come back.

my body is breaking down majorly, in qian's words.

and so i can't go out and get the things i want or need to get. i succumbed to ordering room service in london. OH THE HORRORS. and it costs like.... near SGD450 to call a doctor here. i want to be a doctor in london.

i don't make any new year resolutions.

but i thought about it when i was waiting for the doctor to come... and i think this year i will get more sleep, i will get rid of this horrible temper i adopted in 2007, and not change away off days for flights anymore.

ok.

hmm. ya ok.

and now i sleep.