i give up.

I give up waiting for nicely rostered flights. The only good thing about the new roster is that I will be going down to Moscow. Sad thing, that I won't be going on flights with my team, and can't go out with my newly found travel companion.

Heading down to Sydney tomorrow... wonder what the flight would bring. I hope I survive tomorrow well.

Probably still feeling a little dejected about the new roster.

*****

Got tricked by the IFS on the previous sector from Shanghai, and was given the name Little Miss Naive on board.

I should really stop taking what people say at face value, huh?

*****

Met up with the 853 guys last night for a short dinner in Marina South and drinks at Cosy Bay. Brought back memories which I tried to fight back.


Vincent, Darren, Jacob & I

I miss training with the gang.

*****

I really should be sleeping now, as it's an early reporting tomorrow. But I just can't get to sleep.

I'm such a melancholic person, and I have a lot of memories inside me. Everytime I chance upon something that played a role in my life before, I would think of the past.

*****

I really shouldn't feel so attached.

*****

Was just chatting with Ah Fat, and in whatever relationship, it takes two hands to clap, both parties to make the effort to make things work. But, like I told him, as we grow older, somehow we put in less effort into making something work out. And then it comes the part on expectations. I don't know if I can live up to someone's expectation of me, and I wonder if I sometimes expect too much from someone, or anyone.

*****

Sometimes u need to just open ur heart a bit,
it's tough la.. esp after what u have gone thru.

I wish I could. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt all over again. I'm a coward. Life is about taking risks, but love is not a risk I think I can take.

xoxox,
jenn

crossroads..

I've got loads to say and yet I don't know what to say.

Laters. Woke up early and now got to prepare to bring Charcoal out for grooming.

xoxox,
jenn

the song which brought back memories...

From The Heart - Another Level

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before.
And you've been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
Love broke your heart and brought you lies.
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love thats deep and true.
Tender and strong and all for you.
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

Chorus

From the heart I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is,
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need.
And when you reach for love you only need to reach for me.
These arms will never let you down.
Theyre staying around.
I'll walk with you through every storm.
I'll keep you save I'll keep you warm.
And you'll have no doubt.. you're the one I'm living for.

I'll provide the love you need.
Just trust my touch, believe in me.
I'll never make you cry.
Give it all I got, with all I've got inside.

*****

Lost.

xoxox
Jenn

questions... without answers.

Him: You're seeing someone now?
Me: ??
Him: Is he good to you?
Me: Why ask?
Him: I still care, you know?
Me: Thanks for your concern.
Him: Do you love him?
Me: How, or rather, why should I answer that?
Him: How do you put down the past?
Me: Just like how you found someone new.
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: Does it really matter?
Him: Yes. Cos, I still miss you at times.

painting the town red...

... I wish. All that I am painting red are my nails.

Barely recovered from my bout of flu and went off to Taipei on Friday. Taipei was terrific! Jacob gave me a buzz in my room and tried to trick me with his lousy joke, and went up to his room to accompany him while he prepared for flight.

Met up with Shu'e, Huihui and Minghsia who were already there for the past 5 days and bummed in my room before we went on our eating and shopping spree in Shih Lin Night Market. I wanted to splurge on shoes but I was too spoilt for choice. We ate a lot, and walked down the streets before we headed back to Ximen Ding for a break.

I woke up in the morning with a fever and flu which had gone worse. Managed to work my way back to Singapore with a dripping tap in place of my nose. But the load was light, so there wasn't much of a problem.

Then it was meeting my lovely Qian, who came back from Doha for a short break. At Wala's, we bitched over alcohol, laughed at our own little experiences with different people, shared our life stories and our little comments about work. I wish she wasn't so far away, but then again, probably our distance apart made us really close friends today. Really love having her back, and I look forward to seeing her again sooN!!!

*****

Every country I go, I tend to buy more books to add to my collection of unread books. I think I should stop this "unhealthy" habit.

A photo collage I put together in a hurry....



*****

Can someone really love more than one person at a time? I hope not. But then again... probably I should stop deluding myself.

*****

WHERE IS VAL! I haven't seen her in the longest time! ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

jenn's quote of the day...

It's so much easier to walk away than to confront what's at hand.

I'm a coward. But I just can't face up to hurt.

*sniff sniff* *cough cough*

Had a tiny bout of flu before I left for Manchester, but I came back feeling really sick and lousy. It was a good thing that our team was scheduled to fly back as passengers, so I didn't have to work on my way back. The crew operating our flight back was really sweet, they knew I was ill, and fussed over me. I felt really pampered, and my very nice team boy took care of me during the flight.

Yes, I'm a sucker for attention and care when I'm sick. So what? :P

But yet sometimes I wish to be left alone still.

*****

Pictures of quiet town Manchester when I'm back online again. Right now, it's time to sleep.

Pitter patter pitter patter...

I kinda like Melbourne. I have no idea why. I've been to Melbourne more than 3 times, before I was flying and even now, yet I haven't grown tired of the city. But this time Melbourne was a little chilly, probably because it was near winter.


Flinders Street Station

Was supposed to meet up with George, but we had a change of plans last minute, so I went out strolling alone. Got stuck in a second-hand bookstore, where I bought 2 books (almost bought a lot more, if not for the fact that I have to save up some money). By the time I left the bookstore it was near dark, so I bought an ice cream and walked down to the park near Flinders Street Station. Was reading 'Almost French' by Sarah Turnbull and taking photos when this rather cute French guy came up to me. Phillipe was his name, and we spent the evening chatting in the park, then adjourned to the cafe for drinks and pastries. Very sweet gentleman, but then again, I don't know him well enough to judge.

*****

I picked up a leaf from the ground on my way back to the hotel. I thought it was pretty nicely shaped. But it dried up when I reach the hotel, so some of the edges have fallen off. Still, it looks pretty. I love autumn leaves.

*****

Did a Penang turn with my team yesterday, and it was the first time I met them. They seem nice, but I was, and still am, worried that I cannot really gel into the team. Will be meeting them for flight later to Manchester. And I woke up with a bout of flu. Hope things turn out well.

*****

It's not easy, eh?

Sigh.

Kena tagged. Bleah.

7 random facts about me:
1. I was really fat. Like REALLY FAT.
2. I actually am a closet nerd.
3. I have tons of books which I bought and haven't found the time to read.
4. I love dancing.
5. I used to love Smurfs, until I felt that they are pretty warped.
6. I HATE INSECTS WHICH FLY.
7. My comfort drink is hot Milo.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. George Clooney
2. Johnny Depp
3. Brad Pitt
4. Hugh Jackman
5. Robert Redford
6. Orlando Bloom
7. Antonio Banderas

7 qualities i want in a potential boyfriend:
can't think. I kinda gave up on potential boyfriends.

7 things that scare me:
1. COCKROACHES
2. lizards
3. Horror shows
4. losing loved ones
5. losing Charcoal
6. stupid insects which fly
7. planes which cannot fly

7 random songs at the moment:
1. You're beautiful / James Blunt
2. Same side of the moon / Corrine May
3. Sexed up / Robbie Williams
4. Bad Day / Daniel Powter
5. Goodbye my lover / James Blunt
6. If I kissed you / Corrine MAy
7. Safe in a crazy world / Corrine May

7 things i like the most:
1. Sitting with people I like, doing nothing at all
2. Reading my books or magazines
3. eating ice cream
4. Dancing
5. champagne, red wine or white wine, according to mood
6. Grocery Shopping
7. taking a road trip.

7 things i plan to do before i die:
1. Go to Spain
2. take part in a piano concerto
3. Backpack around the world
4. Bring my parents to wherever they want to go
5. Travel to unknown places on earth
6. Sky diving
7. Mountain hiking

7 things i say the most:
1. I don't give a flying f***
2. WHAT?!
3. What the f***?!
4. Excuse me/ Sorry/ Please excuse me.
5. Mind your heads/ backs/ legs!
6. Thank you sir/ madam!
7. Shucks.

ROOOOARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just whine (again) about my lousy roster next month?

*****

Had a wonderful time in Beijing, K heard I would be bored there, then he took the really late night flight, and appeared at my door in the morning! We chatted over room service, and then he took the same flight which I was on back at night. We spoke a lot, after he disappearing from my life (or was it me from his life) for ... say... 3 years?

And then it was a short stay in Seoul, where I rushed out to fulfil some friends' shopping lists, drinking and eating, drinking and eating... Little wonder it is then, that my uniform seems tight now. Argh.

*****

The weekend was spent lazing and catching up on sleep at home. Met up with JH and QL for supper near my place. The two guys are finally near to graduation.. and we talked about how we've all grown and done things which we never thought we would have done. Would we have taken a different path if we had the chance to go back in time?

*****

Heard great news from Qian, and I wish her happiness. Hope this is the man who'll love you in the most perfect way possible.

I yearn to love, and be loved in return. Is that difficult?

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.

- George Sand -

Can you make me happy?

*****

Spent the morning with K again, and we wondered if things would have worked out if we had gotten together then. I thought not, but he thought otherwise. Still, he's changed and I've changed. Will things work out now?

I would rather be your friend forever. At least, then I would know that you'd always love me in your capacity.

*****

Same topics discussed with different groups of people, yet they all say the same. I shouldn't think too much eh?

*****

Been really irritated since last night. I think I'm really tired, both emotionally and physically. I need a break.

xoxox,
jenn

Off to Beijing... again...

This is the second time I'm flying off to Beijing within a month. However, dear Mr Fat is not free to meet me as he will be away for the May Day holidays.

Hopefully the flight tomorrow will be good. Not exactly looking forward to flight since what happened the last time. Sigh.

How positive can one stay for long? I wonder.

Girlfriend called me earlier and asked me a really weird question about something which happened a long time back.. and kinda got me thinking a little. I wonder why she asked.

*****

On another note, Qian is finally coming back to SIN for a while! And she'll be in on the days I'm home!

Can't wait to catch up with her at Wala's. At least this is the tentative plan.

*****

I finally went for brazilian waxing at Strip this afternoon. Haven't done it in the longest time ever and... it was a hair-raising (no pun intended) experience. Spent the afternoon window shopping, and ended up at The Mind Cafe, laughing our asses off on the games we played.

I love spending time like that with people I care for.

*****

Am typing as I am painting my nails blood red. I can't believe that this nail painting routine has become part of my life.

Eew.

Random ramblings... oh what's new?

Met up with Amy and Huiling in the evening for dinner, and we sat at Starbucks to bitch the night away. Chat about sensitive topics which might get Amy blushing, but it was really funny and hilarious. And so the 2 ladies left to meet their beaus, and I, without any plans, came home taking public transport.

I've been taking public transport pretty much of late, and somehow, I like long bus rides. Reminded me of the long conversations we've had, the only times we could spend together due to our packed student activities, catching up on each other's lifes. Reminisced a little about the past, and kinda missed taking the bus with the guys after choir practices.

Ah, signs of me growing old.

*****

Plans with Lady Stella to go MOS kinda didn't happen cos I felt tired earlier, and we couldn't really find people to go. So I came home and sat my butt down in front of the computer, and spent the time thinking if I should remove my makeup and shower before getting into bed. After an hour of painstakingly waiting for calls to invite me out for the night, I decided to prepare for bed.

Just as I stepped out of the shower, a call came and forced me out for drinks. So I went out again.

We chatted, laughed, and drank while catching up after a long period of disappearance from each other's lifes. He said that he could never be a replacement, only a substitute. And I agreed, somehow.

*****

And I just got back, feeling more awake than ever.

I think I need sleep.

Back home again....

Just got back from Christchurch, had a bad start which left me feeling really demoralised, but thanks to the crew, who encouraged me no end, I survived pretty much.

Don't feel like talking about it though, so ... would appreciate if you guys don't ask. :)

*****

Wanted to skydive in NZ, but weather was so bad, it rained every hour or so. First night, we went to the casino opposite the hotel and spent a long time there. When we got back, a few of us gathered to drink and play games, and I went back to the room feeling woozy. Think I talked rubbish online with a couple of people (you know who you are, especially the one who wanted to call and hear how I sound!). So it was just lunch and a little walk around town the next day, in the rain no less.

*****

Couldn't sleep last night in the hotel, so met up with one of the crew and we had a long chat into the morning.

Shared many thoughts... which set me thinking. =(

*****

I wish things were a lot simpler.

Spinning around...

This has been a crazy week of turnarounds... to Kuala Lumpur, and to Bangkok. Great crew, lots of learning, lots of training on my speed, what else can I ask for?

Had a nightstop in Bangkok, so once we checked into the room, a group of us went out for shopping, drinks and dinner, or rather, supper. Came back to the hotel pretty late, and I contemplated staying awake throughout the night, only to fall asleep and disregard the ringing of my alarm clock.

No more wild nights like this.

*****

Met up with Stella for dinner, and we spent about 3 hours in Cafe Cartel, just chatting and bumming around, hogging a huge table meant for a big group. But no one chased us away, so we shamelessly sat ourselves down.

I got a webcam and a Skype phone! So last night I gave a coupla friends a quick tour of my room. hahaha! Then Val & I tried to use skype to chat on the phone, but there was something wrong with our connection. Sigh.

And now I'm forcing friends to see me via webcam. STOP HIDING FROM ME ALOYSIUS! And chatting with Ah Fat over skype.

*****

Tomorrow I'll be off to Christchurch. Heard the weather's cold. So, I went out to buy a jacket, despite already having 2 from London.

And hurt done to my wallet was... $400. I walked past Esprit and I saw they were having a sale.

Sigh.

This is unhealthy.

Argh.

STOP IT JENN!

I miss...

... being the old me.

Where are you?

:,(

I really should stop being so emo and get out of this depressing shithole.

It's already 3 am...

... and I can't get to sleep still.

Oh, and because it was Easter Sunday yesterday, we had hot cross buns on board! I absolutely love hot cross buns because they have raisins and apricots inside. Love it love it love it! I broke into song in the galley and got laughed at by the rest.

"Hot cross buns, hot cross buns,
One a penny, two a penny
Hot cross buns!"

Now that I've got myself started on silly songs, here's another one I love to sing to irritate everyone.

"Say a thousand legged worm, as it gives a little squirm,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine hundred and ninety-nine!
Hop around, Hop around,
Have you seen this little leg of mine?
If it can't be found, I shall have to hop around,
On my nine-hundred and ninety-nine!"

Oh I feel so young again.

I have more songs! And nursery rhymes!
BUt I'm done with them today. Now the wormy song is stuck in my head.

Damn it.

Rain.. rain

Got back from my standby flight this morning... did a turnaround to Dhaka and it was truly and eye-opener for me. Learnt a lot of things though, which is good, and I really hope to be good at what I'm doing.

*****

I love rain somehow. I like the cold, wet feeling, the droplets of rain on my window. I like to sit in cars, trace the path each drop of rain run down the window. I like to see how people would run to take shelter from the rain, I like to see people strolling under their umbrellas, all from the comfort of my covered shelter.

Yet at times, I love to run in the rain, heck, if I could, I want to dance in the rain.

But I wish the rain will go away tomorrow because Val & I want to go to SentosA!

*****

When I was happily attached years back, I thought all I wanted was a successful career and be a happily married woman.

Then I became single and I thought... I just want a successful career.

Then I got this job. Good bye successful career.

hAhaha, Val and I talked about this during our stay in Karachi. Life takes a weird turn sometimes. Or rather, everytime.

*****

Finally my NUS/NTU guys are graduating! Welcome to the working world, in advance, buddies! But first, have fun with exams. HAhAhahA!

And yes, I'm still left with 2 modules that I need to complete before I graduate from UWA. I will settle it soon. I hope.

*****

I want my iBook back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lousy feeling

Just got home from The Mind Cafe with friends.

I had wanted to get something off my chest...felt really lousy, really lousy.

But I thought it wouldn't be of any use. Cos the outcome will stay the same.

It's tiring to live a lie right? I wouldn't have the energy to do that.

singled out

So someone patched back with the ex, some friends got hitched, one got married and oh well, none free to accompany poor old me.

Back to work tomorrow night... sigh.

*****

I was browsing through some books, and a sudden thought hit me.

I used to feel... special somehow. Like.. people would love me for my bubbly personality, my witty jokes, my silliness... everything.

Somehow, I realised I'm.. just boring old me. No longer the hyper-active one, no longer the funny one, no longer the person to hang out with.

I hate this feeling.

*****

Sudden craving for salmon.
And thick chunks of steak.

Another boring post...

Yes, as you may have noticed, I've been blogging a lot more recently. I'm on a week's leave, and my plans to go HKG or to BKK or even to the beach have been scrapped due to my being vain.

SO during the past few days, I have:
- packed my room slightly
- chatted over the phone and MSN with friends I haven't had time to catch up with
- done online shopping
- surfed many weird and interesting websites
- attended an ROM this afternoon.

*****

So this afternoon I attended Phil's ROM. That guy had the cheek to call me on Monday, telling me that he forgot to send me an invitation to his ROM. Being really good friends, and on the promise that he will introduce some nice young chaps to me, I tagged along.

I volunteered my camera for some photo-taking sessions, when I realised.. I left my memory stick in the computer.

How nice. How typical of me.

Today's the first time I saw P's wife. Always knew she wasn't local, but I wasn't expecting him to marry an Australian as his parents are very conservative and traditional. Still, for his parents to be able to accept her, that lady must be really special. Sad thing is, after next month, he'll be leaving us to settle down in Perth with her family. Which means, he's gotten his job application approved. Which means, when I go to Perth, I can visit him! Which means, I'm more likely to see him more often! Which, when I told him that, he cringed and said he'd keep his address hidden from me.

How nice. How typical of him.

My leave's coming to an end on Friday. And tomorrow night I am going to watch West Side Story with Jason!

YIPPEE!

Ok, enough of blogging.