growing up hatred.

i hate everything about growing up.

no one told me about the heightened responsibilities, the additional workload, the lessened fun, the minimum sleep, and of course, taxes!

probably feeling a lil frustrated today, and filing taxes didn't help exorcise that frustration within. i reorganised my room recently, nowhere near completion yet, but it felt better seeing things shifted about here and there. and then i wonder why did i even bother cleaning up? probably one day very soon we'd be asked to leave. so why bother?

no one told me about the eldest child being the one making all the decisions. I hate making decisions. i wasn't prepared for such a huge responsibility. i grew up independent, learning how to fix everything around the house and handle all things since young, almost the "man" of the house, but yet i can't do the budget for my family. Mere financial contributions aren't ever enough. I've property taxes to pay, even when the ownership isn't ours, bills and other ad-hoc things that i know mum would never ask me for.

i don't mind being the one doing the contribution, seriously. but i don't know if i can continue to live everyday wondering when we'd have to leave. and.. guess what? I don't ever want to leave! I shifted here when i was about 3 or 4, and most of my memories, good or bad, were of this home.

dad passed away and i had to grow up overnight. somehow i don't feel the difference in all other aspects, but the heightened responsibility is getting to me. and i am rambling i know. i just want to get everything out of my system, and i don't want to speak to anyone anymore about all this because... listening to me spout all this nonsense and breaking down everyday is not going to do any good to my "popularity poll".

i get frustrated, and upset, and of course i get impatient with a lot of things. and they all say that i have to be strong, because i am the eldest child. but no one ever realised, this eldest child has a side that needs to crumble before she can build her fort stronger? no one realised that this eldest child is a woman after all, and can't be a "man" all the time? but yet, she's too used to being one that she forgets she had this soft, and gentle side which seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

yes, i admit i am weak. i am not as strong as other women who strive hard to handle everything in life. all i want to do is grow up slowly, grow up in the way i want. life dealt me a hard lesson, one which i am grateful for, but yet not ready for. so what am i to do? isn't there supposed to be a manual in life? or something i can download in patches so that i'd know what to do next?

i want options. i want the freedom of giving up or not. i want choices. it feels to me that i'm denied of all this, and then i think i am being selfish because i didn't think about how my mum and brother would feel. everything i decide from now onwards, will affect them in one way or another, and in different magnitudes for each decision, each bloody choice i make.

i am afraid. i am frightened, scared shitless, that i'd make the wrong moves. i know for many things i would know whether i've made a mistake almost immediately, but for many other things i would only know much later. who will tell me whether my decision is right or wrong?

i want to give up, yet i don't. i want to crumble, yet i don't. so what the fuck do i want? i only know it irks, as much as hurts, whenever people comment that i am no longer like who i used to be.

Life... you've chosen the wrong person, because this person isn't strong enough to brave whatever's coming her way.