darkroom

There's something fascinating and hypnotising about photo developing - no, I don't mean sending your digital photos or film to developing shops - I learnt last night. The precision... getting the negative in the enlarger on the photo paper, the length of time to expose the image to the paper... the length of time to leave the photo paper in the developing chemical, then stop bath, then fixer... The extra caution to make sure that no sliver of light is present, even the green beep of the working air conditioner is not permitted. Working in the dark, you feel your way through... any carelessness will cost a good print.

Then you see the image appear on the photo paper as it is soaked in the developing chemical. And I wonder how... and why... this process is able to take place. It is fascinating, and the first image which appeared, though only a test strip, left me breathless for a while.

A photographer begins with the end in mind - he must know what he wants to see in print when he is taking the photo. Because, if that moment is not captured, it will be gone forever. Especially with film... Then comes the ardious task of developing the negatives, the contact sheets, and then the photos. I guess the thing with prints is, if you aren't satisfied with one, you can print another, and another, and another, until you get the perfect print, and that is.. before your patience runs out.

Does this apply to relationships or life in general? I wonder. Probably at times we do have the end in mind... most of us seek a 'perfect' or near-perfect ending... and then the ardious task of keeping a relationship alive, keeping a passion going. But the thing is, how many times can we try and try again before we get the perfect 'print', or before we run out of patience and give up on everything?

Then the fear of the photo not developing well, the fear that you lost that special moment.

The fear of... feeling fucked up. That you lost it. That you no longer are as good as before, as polished as before.

Argh.

I just hope that... words said to me, actions towards me, are genuine and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be made second fiddle to anything.

In the end, I think I can't take that leap off the cliff and not worry about where I land. I think I will be standing on the edge for a very, very, very long time.

Heading out for a very late dinner with the very nice gentleman J who forced me to go out cos he heard I was hungry, and later off to drinks.

Gotta digest my thoughts.

Guys, I miss all of you. :(