Maybe I am not cut out for this after all.

Since young, I've been pretty much independent. I grew up learning how to fix the electrical appliances at home, how to manage on my own, and even headed out overseas alone after O levels. Nothing could ever scare me (except for the occasional flying insects) and I always managed to muster up courage to do things I wanted to. I made decisions on my own, and did pretty much whatever I wanted to do.

So then it is no surprise that in my previous relationships, I probably took the role of the decision-maker most of the time, being headstrong and all, and probably somehow, slowly the men around me felt they could no longer be the 'alpha-male' and started being unhappy, and then that's when I get upset with them, they with me, and then things go wrong. Yeah I can be understanding most of the time, I don't mind if we don't meet up often, I've grown to be pretty self-sufficient, but then sometimes it backfires too.

And then after the last one, I've grown to getting used to being on my own, so when someone else comes along it becomes a very hard struggle for me to throw away my independency and be part of something. I get scared, I get frightened, and then sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, I get insecure. I worry that I won't be able to pick myself up again if things should fail. I worry that I wear my heart on my sleeve and then get hurt again. I worry that I'll be in too deep and then I can't get out. And so I remain guarded, and wary. It gets tiring though.

I don't dare plan too far into the future, cos I don't know if it will ever get to that day. So I live a 'come what may' life, albeit with apprehension... far too much apprehension I think.

And then when people hide the truth from me, I wonder if I brought it upon myself, so much so that people find it difficult to be honest with me. Then again, I probably tend to discount the truth presented and it becomes unfair to the person who's trying his best to be honest.

So yeah, maybe I ain't cut out for this. Then again, I want to throw myself off the cliff and not bother about where I land. And I've decided, the past shall be the past and it won't matter anymore. What you don't know won't hurt. Ultimately.

So I'll just try and open my heart a little, take that leap of faith and see how things go.

Tomorrow I shall wake up a changed person.

A picture of Charcoal taken on his birthday (he refused to wear the hat):


And because Gigi wants me to blog about her, here goes:
Gigi is Wong Sam Ba
Midori is Liu Mam Bo.

k bye.