it's come to a point where i feel that even if i choose to die, i can't go in peace because there are so many things i have yet to do for my mum and brother. and i know i have friends, i am not alone, but it's just not easy for me to just open up and tell anyone and everyone how fucked up i feel. how do i tell people that every single minute i am thinking about how i have to save money for the house, how unsure i am about finances, how i can't bring tears back home cos it'll only worry mum...
and ever since young i've been taught to be independent. being independent is good, but it also means i find difficulty relying on other people for help. I find all i need by myself, and sometimes i do, though pretty seldom, accept help from other people. it sucks, because many times i feel that i'm all alone in this though i know fairly well it's not true because i do have people with me. Yet i can't help but feel very deserted.
and just now when i was driving around feeling upset and sorry for myself, i scrolled through my handphone and didn't know who to call. i just don't know how to make someone feel the way i do, or tell them what i was feeling right at that moment, and i didn't want to spoil their day by dumping everything on them. what do i want to get out of calling them? assurance that things will get better? that i've heard so many times. but i have no patience. i don't know when that day will come, or if that day will ever come.
it's almost as if should i fall into the sea, and start to drown for whatever reason, i will just stop trying to float. like meredith in gray's anatomy, when she just gave up staying alive. i feel that exact same way. like if something untoward happens to me, i will just walk towards that bright light and never turn back.
writing all this out made me cry again, and i'm tired of whining like this, and yet whatever i do is simply not enough in my standards. like the money i've painstakingly saved for the past 3 years is simply NOT enough to get us a new place.
i want to hate dad, i really want to. i wanted to scream at his picture and scold him for not leaving us the place so that we have a roof over our heads and don't have to struggle to find a place. given that we've stopped taking money from him since i stepped into poly it just doesn't seem fair that nothing comes to us. but i just couldn't hate him at all.
fuck the coward i am, i have no guts to hire a lawyer to fight for our home, i don't want anything from him, i just want our home. i have no guts to get a lawyer to submit the request to view his will (if he did leave any) because i am so afraid to find out that he did leave a will but our names aren't inside. and to hire a lawyer, costs money and time, which i am pretty sure i do not have.
so if you thought i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, i will stuff that spoon in your mouth and you can tell me whether it's silver or not. I know i can survive this in the end. but from now till then, i really don't see myself pulling it through.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
don't save me.
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5 comments:
It's tiring to hang in there. Physical tireness is still able to withstand. But it's mental tireness that is killing us, bits by bits, day by day.
Life is never a smooth path. For you, for me, for many people out there. A friend once told me: "Everyone have a book on their shoulder. Every book contains a story of their own".
You are hitting the low path of your life. It's frustrating and disheartening when we have no one to turn to. It's painful to hold on to the pain that pricks.
But pls remember, the moment you gave up, you drown. So pls, DON'T GIVE UP.
Believed in tomorrow.
Beyond the grey clouds, there will be sunshine...
One day a certain man decided to quit... He quit his job, his relationship, his spirituality... He wanted to quit his life. He went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
'God', He asked, 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?' His answer surprised him...
'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?'
'Yes', He replied. 'When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. God said.
'In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.
I would not quit.' Jesus said.
'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.'
He asked him, 'Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling…you have actually been growing roots'.
'I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.'
'Don't compare yourself to others.'
He said. 'The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.'
'Your time will come', God said to me. 'You will rise high'
'How high should I rise?' He asked.
'How high will the bamboo rise?' Jesus asked in return.
'As high as it can?' He questioned.
'Yes.' God said, 'My Glory is found in rising you as high, high, high!'
He hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you!! =)
Reading your post made me think that my problem is so "small" as compared to yours.
I get what you mean by saying there're times you feel you are all alone but in fact you are not. And how at times you really dunno who you can call.
Everyday, we seem to be putting on a mask to hide our true self. Like you too, blogging makes me cry and relieves my burden.
I can never fully understand your situation as I am not in your situation. I wish eventually everything will go well for you.
I'll be here if you do need my help.
Jia You! :-)
~ Jaslin
life is like a rollercoaster..it fluctuates up and down. the saving grace is that when you feel like you have hit rock-bottom and want to quit, it starts going up again before finally coming to a plateau. have faith that it will pick up again and you will have the strength to ride it out.
Even though there's nothing that I can do to help, please persevere on. Easier said than done, yes. But for the sake of your mum and your brother, please do so.
If for whatever reason you need help, you have my FB. I'll be there.
- Shuyun
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