soothing words from a treasured friend.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:09 AM)
don't be afraid k. there is nothing else we can really lose in this world

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:15 AM)
hmm

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:18 AM)
my sanity

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:34 AM)
u noe there are ppl out there who wont allow that to happen

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:40 AM)
but if it does happen ill hold ur hand.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:11 AM)
and we can spin out of control together

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:15 AM)
wheee

no matter how crazy it sounds, i still feel warm and fuzzy in my heart. thank you for everything. *beams*

money woes.

and so the credit card bill came. and i gasped a little, inaudible, but yes i did get a shock.

it wasn't as much as the previous month's, which shot sky high because of certain bills I settled for the family, but it was enough to make me reconsider using it for a while.

and so the haircut has got to wait till next month (which is gonna be here soon!), and thankfully i don't foresee any much expenditure on the wallet anytime soon, apart from the few doctor's appointments that i have in place. Oh, and time for the dentist too.

maybe i should really consider doing some investments with my savings. but then again, should i?

oh well.

hmmm.

Fly Away

When will you be home, she asked
As we watched the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
To where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as I crawled and stumble
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky.
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby, fly away

Autumn leaves fall into springtime
and silver painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying,
We need you please come back

When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby fly away...

listening to Luther Vandross' 'Dance With My Father' and struggling to keep my tears within.

there are sometimes i feel like just being depressed and stay in the room to wallow in self pity. and this, is one of the few times i allowed myself to. just got back from a long day with colleagues, and after a day of cinema hopping, shopping, and aimless walking, ending with coffee and dinner in the room, i am finally allowed time to myself, to think about things, think about myself.

just wondering how much i've changed and all. and certainly, at times, hating who i've become. and in many instances, memories of the past does seem a lot happier and easier to deal with compared to now. i don't know how to handle this new change in me, this newfound ... frustration that i always have. this impatience, this..

and i'm wearing down everyone around me, i guess. or am i being too hard on myself?

bumped into a secondary school senior the other night, and at the same place, a junior. all of us about 2 years apart from one another, and yet, we chatted like old friends.

and now, listening to Dick Lee's 'Life Story'. yes, depressing songs on my iTunes but well, it's the mood i have now.

i read somewhere, that men seek for ideal loves, while women, just love with all their hearts. is that true?

pardon the randomness.

y'ello maaaan!

in johannesburg, and again with a nice set of crew, and just back from a drinking session with some of them.

so this time we're gonna try cinema hopping, and probably go eat steak and feast. hur hur hur.

i returned from paris with macarons and had my craving satisfied. fed everyone with macarons, and when i went back to my favourite household shop i made fast friends with the guys.

so here are some pictures of my favourite shopowners!







and as i was walking down the streets from Opera to the hotel, this guy jumped into my path when he saw me holding my camera and gamely posed for a picture with his love.




ah well, i came back with household items, macarons and met up with dora the explorer, and we bitched about work over wine and eggs. and i played tour guide to some girls as i brought them around paris.

oooh wells.

i came home, played mahjong with benjing, chilli and louis and i lost A LOT OF MONEY but thankfully i managed to recoup a bit of my losses (nonetheless i still lost) in the very last round. or rather, the many very last rounds.

and i took pictures of charcoal because he was sedated from his booster jab, and willingly stayed put for me.

but because i am lazy to put them into a collage....

and the internet connection here in jo'burg isn't helpful....

another day!

it is raining here in paris, and plans of walking out after i check in have been thwarted.

so now i think i should go for a rest, then see what comes after i wake up. and since my dearest friend isn't around, for he is in singapore when i am here, i doubt there's gonna be any kinda rendezvous with any cute guys. but well, his family is gonna come down and meet me for dinner anyway. and. i am so gonna die because they speak no english at all.

hoping my french can at least take me through dinner.

mais oui! that's all i'm gonna say. oui oui oui!

i hate mozzies.

i hate the fact that i always get bitten in a group of friends.

i hate mozzies.

today i am boy!

have you wondered what it feels like to be on the other side?

of everything? of things you have control of, of things you have no control of?

like, say, being a guy, being single, being married, being a half of a twin, being part of a triplet, being smart, being dumb, being in another occupation, being in no occupation, being old, being young, being pretty, being ugly.... was just wondering recently if things might be the same if things weren't the same. erm. ok, sounds pretty contradicting but you should know what i mean.

yeah some of the things listed, i'd one day probably experience them. Now i know why people say life is one big contradiction. People always say as humans we have a choice in whatever we do. but I have no choice to whether I want to grow old or not, whether i am smart or not... the only choice i have regarding these choice-less issues would be whether i want to accept it or not. so probably that's what they meant when they say we all have a choice.

hmm.

and so zenn and i did a penang turn finally, fate brought us together for such a short flight, and because i saved her life, she's indebted to me forever. and today i am boy, though i cheated by choosing an easier position that what she exchanged for. and so she's heading to hamsterdamn damn. should i ask her to bring back tons of peanut butter or should i ask her to bring back other things? hmmm.

hahaha.

this also means i can bully her into playing mahjong whenever i feel like it. "but..but... i saved your life!" oOOoOOo.. so exciting to have a trump card. OooOOoOOOOoooo.

and finally paris again this weekend. no complaints, at least i get to meet up with friends again. i guess the only part i love about this job is that i get the chance to meet up with friends who are abroad. I've friends in paris, zurich, hong kong, US, taipei, london, holland, frankfurt, china, australia, italy, and even doha... and i've always been able to meet them whenever i can. managed to meet up with gigi in sydney, and spent time with her and her hostelmates, of whom MR BRYANT has become a friend because i borrowed his charger and sat on his warm bedroom floor. "it's the heater, my dear" and seeing that gigi is happier now makes me happy that she made the decision to leave everything back here at home. I guess she took my words too literally when i told her she should move on.

but well.

yeah. maybe i love this job after all.

just feeling a little emo tonight.

i have been feeling overwhelmed lately, sometimes thinking about the past, about dad, about home, about money, well, almost everything. i guess we're no longer seeing dad anymore, what with the so-called "ban", and all I could think was dad lying in bed helpless.

i keep saying i wish i can do more, but i've gone to the hospital, stood in the lobby, and then turn home because i couldn't bring myself to see dad in that state. i've grown to accept that even if he should wake up one day, he won't be the same as before, and with all chances, he'd probably not even remember us.

and then i thought about how as a kid, i used to pretend that i'd fallen asleep in the car. and just so he could carry me back home into bed.

just feeling overwhelmed now.

delhi was good. very good in fact. surprisingly. and i kinda miss being in delhi with the rest of them now.

the other day as i was scrolling down the list in my handphone to find mahjong kakis, i saw dad's name and i paused for a while. i really miss dad, and i feel that... i am currently in limbo right now. everything's a blur around me, and sometimes i dont know what i feel about things happening at home.

so i went to see the doctor about my backache. and after 2 hours of waiting painfully, i managed to see the doctor for a mere 10 minutes. got prodded, asked nonsensical questions which made me cringe and want to go "DUUUUUHHHHH", she diagnosed me as having MUSCLE STRAIN. when i told her i couldn't turn my neck to the right and sometimes left, she went, "All the same muscle." when i told her my right arm feels a bit numb, she went, "All the same muscle." FINE. so be it.

heading off to New Delhi later. hope my back holds up and happy holidays everyone.

GIGI!!! i'm going SYDNEY!!!

my back hurts. badly. i almost couldnt get out of bed when i was in brisbane. and now i can't really move my right arm without feeling pain and all.

argh.

hate this.

it's 5.30am here in taipei.

I CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP! i am so tired, but my back aches so much. In fact, that was the reason why i woke up. in pain. ouch.

and yeah, i'm back in taipei again, this time i curbed mindless shopping, apart from being at this bookstore in Shi Da night market and then i... ah well, me and my stationery attraction.

I don't know why i love notebooks, paper, pens, weird stationery stuff. BUT i do.

i can't turn my neck right because it hurts, i can't tilt my head forward because it hurts. and now i am craving for my medicated plaster. sigh.

i can't wait to get home, even though it means flight immediately the next day. i'd give up my off days anytime for taipei, i said. it's almost like a second home to me.

and because edward happened to be in taipei with his wife, we met up briefly to have dinner, and to meet his wife for the first time.

just thinking about certain things last night, and i am glad, that after all these years, i am still in touch with a few teachers, all of whom became good friends, after school. and meeting up with them, together with other long-time friends brings back fond memories of the past. and the friendship fostered over the years only grows stronger, and deeper. from sharing trivial mundane stuff to deep thoughts and secrets, from just a once-in-a-while call to catch up to promises of frequent meet-ups over coffee, food and *ahem* mahjong, we've become lifelong friends. even though my poly years were fulfilling and memorable, it is the time i spent in secondary school which still beats any other memory in time handsdown. and the primary school friends who stayed together till secondary school.. we're already nearing the 20 year mark soon.

damn.

am i growing older or what?

so today i brought charcoal to the vet's and well...

let's just say i managed to stop him from scratching himself, at least till his wound heals.



AND no, i didn't castrate him. he just had a bad case of rashes.

got back not too long ago from this very last minute arranged mini beer session at wala's, and ended abruptly with some interesting topic over the table. I wonder who the fuck started it.

so anyway, zurich (yes, again) was pretty ok, the weather held up though clouds were threatening to pour buckets over our heads, and on the flight up, i managed to make a friend out of a passenger, whom I met up with on the second day when yves came over with his friend and the small group consisting of 1 singaporean girl, 1 argentinian girl, 1 french guy, 1 swiss guy, and 1 italian guy (pick the odd one out) made its way down to the lake where I finally had lunch at this highly praised House Of Spaghetti, and i ate till my mind went crazy. we had wine with cheese fondue after a heavy lunch, and then they made me eat more dessert. how sinful. but i'm glad to have made yet another friend in a foreign land. yeah, like what one of the senior crew said, you'll never know how much you can learn from someone else, and how much you can grow learning about someone else.

so this morning when i came home, mum was telling me how we might not have the chance to head back to the hospital again. which made me want to cry badly, but i held back the tears as she drove on home. there isn't any point letting the tears run dry, and i guess i'll just have to grit and move on. yet again, i stole peeks from the photo albums left in mum's room and then felt sad all over again. and charcoal's losing weight (why him and not me?!) and apparently the groomer thinks he's down with some parasite in his tummy, so tomorrow morning's dedicated to spending time with charcoal. with most of his hair gone, i do think he's lost quite a bit of weight, even though he's eating as much, if not more, than what he used to eat. could it be because dad is no longer around to feed him junk food?

sigh. i try to make myself happier, but sometimes being at home makes me feel that i'm just waiting for dad to come home. i sit at the edge of the bed where he liked to sit at and then i miss the very few and brief moments we spent talking, with charcoal trying to snatch the bread out of dad's hands, and when there are important decisions to be made the whole family would gather in the room and talk. his obnoxious laughter whenever mum dissed him at something, and when mum and i went down to the hospital the other day, as mum was talking to dad in his subconsciousness, i realised i learnt a lot more about my parents then compared to before. i never knew dad always liked mum's cooking compared to what he gets elsewhere. and i learnt what dad's favourite dish apart from mum's yam rice is. and that made me feel sad because i don't know much about dad. and i only have myself to blame.

and so i was reading through the past few days' or weeks, or even months' blog entries, and realised i've been posting nothing but unhappy entries day by day. yeah there are random bleeps of happiness and ecstacy, but mostly depressing, depressing thoughts. and i guess it's pretty much down to whatever's bugging me deep down inside. i tend to feel a lot more for people recently. sadness tends to be magnified to the thousands, and happiness just ... kinda fleets past. i feel so much sadness inside me, so much sadness for other people who go through difficult times, it sometimes overwhelms me and consumes me in a way i can't even fathom. i can be happy in front of others, but when the doors are closed and i face the room alone, all i want to do is hide in the cupboard and cry. it happens a lot less frequent nowadays though, what with my obsession to finish watching alias, coupled with the fact i've been meeting up with a lot of people these few days.

ah wells. there comes a time i will get tired of myself feeling so sad and all, and smack myself over the head with anything i can lay my hands on. after all, we have to move on in life, no?

season 3 of alias shows michael vaughn as the suay-est person in the whole freaking world in my opinion. how many people do you know go to the hospital with major injuries like.. every 3 days? and gets beaten up ever so often? but yet i see the entanglement between vaughn, reed (his wife, who didn't even last till the last minute in the season) and bristow and it tugs. and i think i am slowly getting tired of bristow's need to have all her questions answered. and the ever-existing need to have her family tree laid out for her.

and as i am typing all this, i wonder if i am somewhat like her in certain ways.

argh such a long post, which somehow doesn't really link up nor make any sense, maybe the beer's still running in the blood.

what do i make do with the treasure box should i ever find that rainbow?