got back not too long ago from this very last minute arranged mini beer session at wala's, and ended abruptly with some interesting topic over the table. I wonder who the fuck started it.

so anyway, zurich (yes, again) was pretty ok, the weather held up though clouds were threatening to pour buckets over our heads, and on the flight up, i managed to make a friend out of a passenger, whom I met up with on the second day when yves came over with his friend and the small group consisting of 1 singaporean girl, 1 argentinian girl, 1 french guy, 1 swiss guy, and 1 italian guy (pick the odd one out) made its way down to the lake where I finally had lunch at this highly praised House Of Spaghetti, and i ate till my mind went crazy. we had wine with cheese fondue after a heavy lunch, and then they made me eat more dessert. how sinful. but i'm glad to have made yet another friend in a foreign land. yeah, like what one of the senior crew said, you'll never know how much you can learn from someone else, and how much you can grow learning about someone else.

so this morning when i came home, mum was telling me how we might not have the chance to head back to the hospital again. which made me want to cry badly, but i held back the tears as she drove on home. there isn't any point letting the tears run dry, and i guess i'll just have to grit and move on. yet again, i stole peeks from the photo albums left in mum's room and then felt sad all over again. and charcoal's losing weight (why him and not me?!) and apparently the groomer thinks he's down with some parasite in his tummy, so tomorrow morning's dedicated to spending time with charcoal. with most of his hair gone, i do think he's lost quite a bit of weight, even though he's eating as much, if not more, than what he used to eat. could it be because dad is no longer around to feed him junk food?

sigh. i try to make myself happier, but sometimes being at home makes me feel that i'm just waiting for dad to come home. i sit at the edge of the bed where he liked to sit at and then i miss the very few and brief moments we spent talking, with charcoal trying to snatch the bread out of dad's hands, and when there are important decisions to be made the whole family would gather in the room and talk. his obnoxious laughter whenever mum dissed him at something, and when mum and i went down to the hospital the other day, as mum was talking to dad in his subconsciousness, i realised i learnt a lot more about my parents then compared to before. i never knew dad always liked mum's cooking compared to what he gets elsewhere. and i learnt what dad's favourite dish apart from mum's yam rice is. and that made me feel sad because i don't know much about dad. and i only have myself to blame.

and so i was reading through the past few days' or weeks, or even months' blog entries, and realised i've been posting nothing but unhappy entries day by day. yeah there are random bleeps of happiness and ecstacy, but mostly depressing, depressing thoughts. and i guess it's pretty much down to whatever's bugging me deep down inside. i tend to feel a lot more for people recently. sadness tends to be magnified to the thousands, and happiness just ... kinda fleets past. i feel so much sadness inside me, so much sadness for other people who go through difficult times, it sometimes overwhelms me and consumes me in a way i can't even fathom. i can be happy in front of others, but when the doors are closed and i face the room alone, all i want to do is hide in the cupboard and cry. it happens a lot less frequent nowadays though, what with my obsession to finish watching alias, coupled with the fact i've been meeting up with a lot of people these few days.

ah wells. there comes a time i will get tired of myself feeling so sad and all, and smack myself over the head with anything i can lay my hands on. after all, we have to move on in life, no?

season 3 of alias shows michael vaughn as the suay-est person in the whole freaking world in my opinion. how many people do you know go to the hospital with major injuries like.. every 3 days? and gets beaten up ever so often? but yet i see the entanglement between vaughn, reed (his wife, who didn't even last till the last minute in the season) and bristow and it tugs. and i think i am slowly getting tired of bristow's need to have all her questions answered. and the ever-existing need to have her family tree laid out for her.

and as i am typing all this, i wonder if i am somewhat like her in certain ways.

argh such a long post, which somehow doesn't really link up nor make any sense, maybe the beer's still running in the blood.

what do i make do with the treasure box should i ever find that rainbow?