Me, myself and I

I declared Saturday as a "Myself Day". After sending Charcoal to the groomer's in the morning, I went to the doctor's to check up on my very sore and disgustingly red left eye. After which, I went to do a French manicure that didn't survive the day cos... it looked out of sorts.

Then it was to Wisma to get my regular moisturiser and stuffs, to catch up with Serene for a while, a bit of shopping, then when I found out that Alex was in town dyeing his hair, I popped by to get a haircut too. Which, no one realised.

My sore eye condition was pretty bad, to the extent I was offered tissue paper cos some nice guy thought I cried. How very pathetic.

Today was a so-so day... I've been feeling all prick-ish, getting irritated at the smallest stuffs. In fact, I've been like this since Friday. Argh. I hope this floats away soon. Sorry to those who have been suffering the brunt of my prickiness (if there ever is such a word).

I'm so sleepy but yet I have to wait for the nails to fully dry. Argh.

Graduation's coming soon and I really hope things will turn out fine.

Night world.

So my iBook is back....

and $252 is gone from my bank account.

But I am happy. I have my baby back with me! Yoo HOOO!

Training is soon coming to a close.. and I will soon have to part from my batchmates. Having mixed feelings... as much as I look forward to earning a proper income, I know for sure I will miss the fun I've had with my batch. The friendships made over these few months... I hope they are strong enough to last as long as they can go.

Sigh.

I wonder how life is gonna be like once I start flying.

Thinking of moving out to stay, and mum has been asking me if my plans to live out for a while is concrete.

Pictures from my mini birthday party!


wishing and hoping...


Crazy Val and I


Kelly, me, and Val testing out Jacob's new vibration-less N90

And so it has come and gone....

Yes... I am now officially 24 years of age. Still young, still young. I am not even at my quarter-life crisis.

Had a great day today, apart from the training that I struggled hard to stay awake at. My batchmates were very sweet, and we celebrated my birthday at Swensons'... makes me feel young again. Thanks to my dearest Val, Kelly, Louis, Jacob, Vincent and Darren!

And after that, it was salsa class. Argh. I haven't attended salsa classes for a while, and I'm pretty lost to the steps and moves. I'm too dependent on the men's leads. It was fun though...

And so now I'm no longer the birthday princess. My carriage, according to Val, has turned back into the pumpkin it once was.

On another note, I'm thinking of going diving. As in, learn how to dive first. Anyone interested in joining me? Most probably from 10 to 12 Mar. Sms me if you're keen!

Happy birthday...

Yes, happy birthday to me.

Thanks to friends for all the well-wishes... and Ah fat for that lovely email. It was very nice to open my inbox and see that email waiting for me.

This year is gonna be a real quiet year, compared to last year when I spent my day in the hospital. No wild parties, no crazy celebrations... just... a day to pass.

Sadly, mum forgot my birthday, again. I couldn't help but cry and feel silly about it. Even now as I type, tears are rolling down my face. Anyone can forget my birthday but not her... I feel so lousy.

I know I'm whiny and being a child... but it's my birthday and I can do anything I want today. I'm the queen.

SO THERE!

addiction.

I left my iBook with Apple Care Centre yesterday. It costs $252 to change a freaking keyboard, all because sister here forgot to register my Apple Care.

ARGH!

Dumb ass. Ever know anyone who bought warranty for a product but never registered? Congratulations, you just knew one.

I'm suffering from bad withdrawal symptoms without my iBook. I hope they will hurry up the repair and give me back my baby.

This weekend is a pretty lazy one... alot of sleeping in, and sleeping, and then more sleeping.

I wish I have the answers to the many doubts in my mind, but I just don't. Maybe I don't have the courage to face certain feelings I have, maybe I just want to run away. I know what and how I feel, but yet I don't even know if I should be feeling this way. It's never going to work out in the end, right?

I'm just a great pretender of my life, an actress, a stringed puppet led by others' expectations of me. I hold no right to what I should feel and how I should act.

So long as I'm happy, it doesn't matter right?

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

What do you think about me?

Click here!

My life is about painting my nails red...

And so I am back from Melbourne.

Again, a great team of crew, all patient and ever willing to lend me a hand and give words of advice... sadly, Kelly and I were too shy to make the request to sit in the cockpit with the tech crew. Darn.

Melbourne was great, with the lovely buildings everywhere and more affordable shopping areas around the hotel. We had fun walking around and getting lost, trying on crazy little sunglasses and weird masks... And it's back to training tomorrow! But before that, I have to write out some flight report.

Was feeling sick after I came back from Seoul, the dizziness and the pukiness didnt go away, even till now. Was to go see the doc's last night, but mum refused to let me drive out. Yawnz. So it's to the doc's later.

Oh, Irene told me that she might be getting married this year!!! I'm so happy for her! It's not everyday you find someone you can share a life with. Congrats dear!

Ah fat managed to get online in Beijing, and I've made not-so-concrete plans to meet him up when I go over there in March. Then I realised I would be there for... say... slightly more than half a day? Shucks. Hope we can still have time for a cuppa.

My dear Q is supposed to be back today, but so far I have yet to receive her sms. Where are you!!!

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I received 3 bouquets of flowers this Valentine's day. Funnily, no one asked me out on dates. 1 bouquet of white lilies was from P, the other 2: one rose and one white orchids, were from anonymous people. I absolutely dislike it when people send me things and don't leave names or any contact numbers, because, though it can be fun at times to guess who my mystery senders are, but it's only fun when I have a slight clue to who it might be.. Now I have no freaking clue.

Darn.

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Sometimes I applaud myself for my stupidity.

I was packing my stuffs into boxes because I am about to get new furniture (yay!) and re-do my room a little. Then I realised... I packed all my training notes into the boxes as well, when I need to use them soon.

Yes, and I had to open the boxes and unpack every single thing.

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Ok, I'm finally meeting up with Stella and Angie tonight. It's been.... half a year (???) since we last met up. I'm missing them so much!!!

Hope this giddy spell will run off.

.:emo freak:.

I have this sudden urge to... cry.

Amidst all the laughter and the chirpiness of the group, I just felt... a little out of sorts. I was unable to gather my thoughts, and though I smiled and laughed along, I felt as if I was not within me. Oh well, if you get what I mean.

-----

It is so not easy. I over-estimated myself.

Back from Seoul... Anyung Haseyo!

Just got back from my maiden training flight. Seoul was... well, FREEZING cold. Silly me forgot to bring socks, and didn't really pack well for the cold weather. Lucky for me, Kelly lent me her scarf. I was freezing my toes and ears off while we were out at night, running away from the cold draft and the falling snow.

The flight was alright, I learnt a lot of things, and had a great team with me. I'm thankful for their patience, otherwise I guess I would have already been thrown out of the plane for my lack of speed. It was a big eye-opener for me, into the culture at the airline and the work environment. At times I wonder if I am suited for the job really. But I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.

Daddy called a couple of times while I was in Seoul. I thought it was pretty sweet of him, considering the fact that he wasn't really warm to the idea of me being in this industry.

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On another note... perhaps it's good that I'm not attached after all. I had time to rethink certain situations that I'm in at the moment. Should I stay or should I leave? Before I fall too deep into it, I think I should make some kind of a decision, no? Or should I leave everything status quo?

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through


Perhaps, I think too much.

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Oh my flight roster is out! I'll be heading for Bangkok, then Narita in Mar, then back home from Japan, and then to Melbourne again. After graduation, I'll be heading to Sydney, and after that to Beijing. Perhaps can meet up with Ah Fat there. Hopefully.

Looking forward to my Melbourne flight coming Sunday somehow.

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I miss... being me.

Random ramblings yet again...

I've been rather random recently.

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Was watching "The Journey of Man" on NatGeo this morning, and Dr Spencer Wells said that it's "kinda" proven that all our ancestors came from Africa. I thought, if this is true, then why are we differentiated by colour? Apparently, our skin changes colour to suit the sun intensity.

I should visit Africa.

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I realised I am fond of talking to myself sometimes. Like this afternoon, I was mumbling something out loud, and this guy stared at me.

I'm psychotic.

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Oh, and by the way, I do not need to be matchmade. Please stop introducing your friends' friends or brothers' friends or anyone who is a third degree friend to me. Do I look that desperate seriously?!!

Yawn.

Argh. I'm going to finish that tub of ice cream sitting in my fridge. Better get it out of the way first. It's an eyesore.

Same side of the moon

I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon



My current favourite song of the week.....

Random ramblings...

Disappeared again.

Been so tied up with exams, tests, and what nots.

ARgh.

I forgot about tomorrow's test too, until someone reminded me.

Damn.

Ok, enough of griping.

::love::

I gave up someone who could have loved me.

Rain...

It rained slightly today, and the reddish tinge the shower left brought a little warmth to my heart.

*****

Met up with Ms H and Ms A last night, for a short dinner at the airport. Haven't seen them around much since our last chocolate buffet, and was glad for their presence. The three of us are very different in our own ways... yet we can still be such good friends.

I miss working in a team with you girls.

*****

It's silly how we use our past experience to make judgement on things and people.

I guess this is our natural way of self-preservation, of protecting ourselves after being hurt.

the replacement people...

Finally managed to meet up with my dear Igualans (minus Ang) after such a long while, though I was really, really late. Friends for 11 years and still running, and I love how when we meet up, it seems just like old times. Thanks to all dearies who made this gathering happen.

I've been trying to meet up with close friends recently, but I've been really busy, training and all. Lack of sleep is getting to me somewhat, but I still love meeting you guys in the dead of the night. There's just something... melancholy... about the night.. good for catching up.

*****

The skies are finally clearing up, and it's good to see the sun again. Went for a long overdue run, and never felt better. I love rain, yet too much of it makes me dreary. I love how the sun shines into my room when my curtains are open. Goodbye to wet season.. Goodbye!

*****

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been really special to anyone at all. I wonder if people would look back on their lives, and think about me in a special way. I wonder when I die, will I make it to your Top 10 list of Favourite People?

I wonder if I've etched a memory of me in your heart.

*****

A friend told me, when you lose something, the only way you can get over it is to find something else to replace it.

I wonder if I've ever been a replacement of sorts to anyone. And if I were, what did I replace? After all, I have been the replacement people for most of my life.

Don't we all?

*****

I love this poem by Emily Dickinson.

The Skies Can't Keep Their Secret

The skies can’t keep their secret!
They tell it to the hills—
The hills just tell the orchards—
And they the daffodils!

A bird, by chance, that goes that way
Soft overheard the whole.
If I should bribe the little bird,
Who knows but she would tell?

I think I won’t, however,
It’s finer not to know;
If summer were an axiom,
What sorcery had snow?

So keep your secret, Father!
I would not, if I could,
Know what the sapphire fellows do,
In your new-fashioned world!

Tagged.

My name: Jennifer
My childhood ambition: I wanted to be an English teacher, then a piano teacher, then an actress, then a singer, then an astronaut, then a fighter pilot, then a sailor....
My Fondest memory: Having grandpa bring me to piano lesson when I was just 7 years old.
My soundtrack: Someday We'll Know by the New Radicals
My Retreat: somewhere in my head that no one can reach
My Wildest Dream: to... to.... to... elope with someone i love
My Proudest Moment: when i managed to survive the darkest period in my life.
My Biggest Challenge: living past each day happily.
My Alarm Clock: is my handphone.
My perfect day: sleeping in for 24 hours.
My First Job: McDonald's crew
My indulgence: Ice cream
My Last purchase: Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie
My Favourite Movie: The Graduate
My inspiration: My Mummy
My life: is a line.

I want to tag Gigi, but then she's on a hiatus to dont know when, so I dont know who else to tag cos the people on the right hand side of this page do not really reply to tags.

.:perfection:.

Perhaps it's PMS, but I've been pretty affected by things happening recently. And it's so odd, how when friends, who are supposed to accept you for who you are, suddenly have expectations which you can't seem to meet no matter how hard you try.

I am not the perfect girl, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect person, nor ever will be the perfect woman… but I try very much in my capacity to be the most perfect person that I can ever be. And if my so-called “perfections” are flaws in others’ point of view, then I will try harder. I know I can’t satisfy everyone, and I can never live up to what others expect from me.

I'm perfectly imperfect.

I just need to accept this.

Christmas is... Love..

Christmas has come and gone... but this year, Christmas seemed to be like any other day. Apart from the usual gift exchanges, parties, it felt no different from other days.

It's sad how Christmas seems to hold lesser meaning to me as the years pass by. Perhaps I'm pretty morbid towards such special occasions. But well, life's a bitch.

Last Christmas, I remember being with him at a jazz concert, and a depressing heart-to-heart talk after the concert in the carpark. My heart was shattered then, but I still hung on. This year, he and I became nothing but strangers. No well-wishing messages, no heartfelt hugs, no exchange of gifts... which is good in a way, since I don't feel that much for him already.

Hopefully next year Christmas will be better.

Yes, I know Christmas is over, but still I love this song:

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

disappearances, disappointments.

I've been pretty caught up with training, work, school, and my health recently. Finally the flu is gone, hopefully no bronchitis, but the cough stays still.

On another note, I've been pretty disappointed at myself, doing things I shouldn't be doing, and knowing that such incidents would have repercussions.

How am I feeling? Lousy, plus a bit of hurt.

I wish I could have been more in control, to have prevented certain things from happening.

Now, I guess I can only weep and wallow in self pity.

changes...

I was having a chat with a long time friend, someone whom I haven't really spoken to, not because we are busy, but rather because a part of me didn't want to.

We've changed. But you changed so much faster than I can keep up. I lost hold, and perhaps that's why we're not the close friends we once were. I still remember the times when you, Aloy and I had fun running the student group. The time where you were a caring boyfriend to my best friend.

I'm not a perfect person either, but I try not to hurt people I love. It is not for me to judge if you've tried your best, but our friendship faltered.

Where are you? Where had you been? I really missed the funny and witty you, the one where you were less distant. Where did you go?

Halfway during our chat, you disappeared, like you always do.

I wish I still know you.