Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.
So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.
But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.
*****
So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.
Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?
Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.
And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.
Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...
HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.
*****
I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.
*****
Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.
Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.
*****
The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt
Saturday, September 09, 2006
lazy saturday afternoon...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
sigh... you're younger than me. and yet u seem to be enburdened by all the responsiblities at home. I've never had to worry abt them at home. Perhaps for a guy, this isn't a good thing..
Everyone has their need for time to be alone, as well as the time and need to be loved. I've gotten used to living life pretty much alone. Its not particularly healthy cos it makes u crave for that special company all the more.
Have a safe trip to Frankfurt and don't get more sickly eh =)
In life, we always comes to a certain cross-junction and dunno where we should head to... Sometimes, we may know what we want in life, but we may never have the chance to do it or to try it. Many many other things have to be put into consideration. I understands what u wrote when u feels the loneliness at times. It's a sad feeling when u watched a comedy laughing alone, or even more lonely when u watched a sad movie and tears dropping alone. But it's life. No matter how I (we) hate it, I really got no choice but to live on with it, just hoping that each and every day ahead, will turn for the better... All the best to you too....
In life, we always comes to a certain cross-junction and dunno where we should head to... Sometimes, we may know what we want in life, but we may never have the chance to do it or to try it. Many many other things have to be put into consideration. I understands what u wrote when u feels the loneliness at times. It's a sad feeling when u watched a comedy laughing alone, or even more lonely when u watched a sad movie and tears dropping alone. But it's life. No matter how I (we) hate it, I really got no choice but to live on with it, just hoping that each and every day ahead, will turn for the better... All the best to you too....
Post a Comment