<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:50:38 AM)
u dun have to fight time, over time, only the gd ones remain and the bad ones vanish

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:01 AM)
waat if..

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:15 AM)
what u're fighting with is someone's good memories?

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:46 AM)
then i must say u're losing a battle

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:53 AM)
from a psychological perspective

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:58:15 AM)
unless u can make the present moment better than those memories, u'll always be 2nd place

i dont know the reason for the existence of mosquitoes, ants, and houseflies.

i hate them.

that's all for this entry ok goodbye.

way back into love...

yeah I know i'm more than a bit late to love this song, but yeah. I love it. I wish I could find a way back into love, or someone who can show me the way to. But then again, will I ever be prepared, to let my heart get broken all over again? I want to, but I want to, knowing that i've loved and lost, i've been loved, and not... not just .... having to contend with things I can't control.

what the fuck am i talking about? sigh.



Way Back Into Love lyrics

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Oh oh oh

My leave is almost half gone, and so far everything's a-ok. Koh Samui was real fun, and well, despite the fact that it was so last minute-ly booked, the resort was really quite nice.

Well, at least up till the last night, when I woke up feeling very very hot cos the air conditioner broke down in the room. So I called the reception and the rising temperature did nothing to calm my frenzied nerves.

me: "hi, morning, sorry, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "morning ma'am. you want wake-up call?"
me: "huh? no, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "you want wake-up call? what time?"
me: "No, i don't need any wake-up calls, the air conditioner is spoilt!"
receptionist: "what time? what time?"
me: "NO, NO Wake up calls! Airconditioner is spoilt, very hot!"
receptionist: "ooooohhh.. air conditioner spoilt. ok, i send someone, 5 minutes."
me: "... thank you."

well, so yeah, apart from this incident the rest of the trip went pretty well.

Anyway I thought through a lot of things after this trip, and yeah, maybe things could be different, but at the moment, I wonder if they'd ever change. I know, i know, what i am talking about is very very vague, but when it comes to matters of the heart it'll never be clear. Sometimes, no matter how similar two people are, no one can ever replace the first one who occupied that special place in your heart.

And i doubt i'll ever be that one. I can't fight with memories. I can't contend with what the past held and what the future could have been. Could that sudden realization be the reason why I haven't been happy recently? Possibly.

sigh. I can't do it after all.

Haven't been watching Grey's Anatomy for quite a while, and today, while blog surfing, I came upon this put up by Ting. And I remembered what happened in that episode. I guess very apt for me somewhat.

From Grey’s…

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross."

"I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…"

Yeah, I guess we never give up hope. But somehow, there has to come a day where we stop hoping.

and yeah, I am back from Koh Samui.

I'll be heading to Koh Samui tomorrow evening for my long deserved (short) holiday!

Great sand, great weather, and lots of cute topless hunks please!!

*smoooch*

buh bye!

Koh Samui... here i come!

second day of leave: more bumming. Finished Prison Break season 1 (yes i know i am behind time) and continued bumming.

Sigh. Planning for a short getaway, but it seems so difficult and tedious, probably because I've done enough planning for Spain and then didn't get to go I feel very tired of planning and checking out already.

I was just telling Gigi that I used to dream about just going to the airport, and getting a ticket and just fly to anywhere i feel like going at that moment. But in my dream, no money was involved. Aihz. If only it were that simple in real life.

So initially it was between Koh Samui and Krabi. But then after a talk with Sheldon I have more choices. Argh.

Sigh.

I'm so tired of doing it. Maybe cos i'm just lazy lah.

aiyoh.

hahaha
hahaha
hahahaha
hahahahaha
hahahahahhaa

i am happy, because, I am officially on leave! Though plans to Spain have been officially thwarted, I might be heading out to.. taipei, or hongkong.

Ah well, see how things go.

Ok time to slack!

*cough cough*

i..*cough* have this blar..*cough*..dee cough that i *cough* can't get rid of.

2 more days, 2 more flights till my leave starts!

another round of crazy back-to-back flights, just because I haven't been to Taipei for a while. and it took the very nice colleague a good 4 hours on board to coax me to go shopping with her. So after we checked into the hotel i crashedddddd, and then woke up in the evening to go shopping and in search for food.

Ah well, tomorrow's a short turn (hopefullY) and then saturday one more one more and my leave.

ok my fever's not leaving me.
sigh.

just 2 more days!

Bonjour madame!

bonjour, ca va?

Ca va bien, bien! et, vous?

ah, non, pas bien, je ne me sens pas bien.

et pourquoi? Vous avez besoin d'un doctuer?

non, merci, j'ai besoin dormir. A bientot!

the short conversation I had with the hotel staff i bumped into when I was trying to drag my bag into the room. Touched down in Paris with a slight fever, and I slept the whole day away after I unpacked my stuffs.

Gonna go out for a walk tomorrow. Probably the fresh air (and cute french men) will cure me.

me thinks it's not easy. especially when i'm starting to feel a lot more than i thought i'd ever would. and now i know i feel strongly about this. and it scares me, makes me vulnerable.

***

i'm so burnt it ain't funny. itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, Mum even said i no longer need to put on any blusher. by right, i'm supposed to take my nap before my long flight tonight but i think i'll just forget about it.

and i heard great news from Lady S while i was in the cab on the way home two nights back, I was so happy and excited for her but i couldnt scream or jump because i had to protect my image (yes, yes, in front of the taxi driver), and so i had to contain my excitement with "OH I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" in hushed whispers. hee.

Mr J, you've been warned. I have already a list of things to torture you before you finally get to marry our dear friend.

:)

***

Paris tonight, a change done to give away my San Francisco flight. Just didn't want to be too far away for too long.

the heart yearns to speak but the mind won't listen.

sunkissed!

i am oh-so-red and lobster-y now I think I look horrendous.

So this morning looked like a great day, and because i went to bed thinking about going to swim the next day, after lunch, we slacked about a bit, and I asked FM, who was lucky enough to be sent home by her GM to go swim. So we did go, and I continued swimming after she left with N.

and i think i was in the pool for probably about 2 hours or so... and the result? red red sunburnt skin.

I thought i didn't get enough of a tan, so when i headed up i plonked myself on the daybed at the balcony and went into weird positions so i could get a tan since the sun looked so good.

headed to vivocity, and i think i am slowly getting my bearings right at that place. Zenn n gracie came over to cook dinner for us, but because we felt hungry after the swim i didn't get to taste the pasta and the portobello mushroom! (i heart mushrooms...)

and, it was a manicure session for both zenn and i. what to do when our job requires us to be able to paint our nails anytime anywhere?

and sometimes things i do, i just seem to make it worse. i don't know how to be someone's source of happiness and comfort.

oh no, i am rambling cos i am going to fall asleep any moment.

goood night or is it morning?

of nail painting...

(Yippee! finally finished season 5 of 24!!!)

One thing that my job entails me to do, and it is a MUST, is to paint my nails red. To me, it is a painstaking process simply because i don't like to paint my nails every other day. And i try not to leave the colour on for too long for fear of my nails turning yellow (believe me, I've seen nails which have been stained to the point of no return).

So one day before every flight i'll be locked in my room for at least an hour to do this vain project.

It's the base coat first, wait to dry, first red coat, wait to dry, second red coat, wait to dry, fast drying top coat, smoke and wait to dry.

and when I first started out, i was so particular about having perfectly painted nails, to the extent if i should smudge one nail, i would remove the nail polish on all my nails and start all over again. Nowadays, I just redo that nail.

coming from someone whom about 2 years ago, never did her own nails, and indulged in only french manicure once a month.

So now I am waiting for my nails to dry.

And you know what?

I have a sudden urge to pee. *RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!*

how're YOU doing?

This afternoon as I was standing at my bedroom window indulging in one of my vices, I saw a guy suntanning at the pool. And he had a really toned body with 6-pecs. I wonder why I've never seen him around before. I casually mentioned it to S, who just replied, "Must be gay."

And then, I flicked my ciggie ash towards him. All the way from 8th storey.

Greetings from above, dude.

I think my trip to Spain won't materialise after all. It's my fault for procrastinating the booking of the tickets, and now it's full, not only that, even if I reverse my itinerary, head down to Spain via Rome and Venice, it's not gonna be possible because the flight to Rome is full as well! And now I'm so angry with myself for spoiling my own holiday. Sigh. Should have booked the tickets earlier, instead of trying to work out the best plan to tour Barcelona and Venice. So what if I have my itinerary set up? I have no tickets there.

Oh I wanna cry. But before that, I wanna kick myself in the ass.

Sigh.

Then there's this crazy change of flights that I'm trying to do, and probably in the end I won't be changing the flight after all. I don't know what it is about Paris that I love, but I really adore that city. Yeah, the French might be snobbish in some people's view, but well, I adore the quaint little towns and the hidden shops.

(Oh, that goes for my love for Venice as well, WHICH I won't get to see this year. And no, the flight to Paris is full as well due to the holiday season and so I can't go Paris during my leave toO~!)

Sorta made a friend on board, and well, as she shared her story I figured I could relate somehow, though most of the time I don't understand why she had to do certain things she did. And I thought about my previous relationship, and how I managed to make that step to move out of the rut that I was stuck in. Certain things she said reminded me of the past though. And I wonder if love drives people to extremes, to places that they'd never ever thought they would go to. And if love hurts, why love at all? Yes, pain is addictive, and it's the only thing that reminds us that we're still alive... but how much pain can one go through before it's over?

You painstakingly love someone, give your all for him or her, to find out that probably it was all pretty much one-sided. And then you hang on, hoping that things will change, yet when they don't, you continue hanging on, just because you've put in so much effort you can't bear to lose it, the mere thought of having to start over again, getting to know someone else all over again tires you out. So slowly you become more and more unhappy, less and less satisfied.

Vicious cycle, this love thing. It eats you from inside out.

...

No cute Spanish guys nor charming Italian men this year.

argh.

life without tv sucks.

The TV in my room is acting up, and I have to smack the TV a couple of times before I can finally watch any kind of programs.

So I didn't get called up for flight yesterday, which was a first! And then I went to watch Spiderman 3, which, kinda is very different from what was in the comics. Damn. But well, I think Spidey in the black suit looks rather good though.

I guess slowly I am getting used to the fact that it's gonna be this way for quite a while in the family. No calls, no news, and the inevitable fact that we have to shift out by the end of this year actually makes me wonder if I should even spend money for my trip after all.

But we all deserve a break now and then, don't we? And it somehow might be good for me to head out alone too.

All this giddy spells I've been getting everyday doesn't help. ARghhhh.