I don't know truly what it is about new york that many people love.

Compared to the first time I was here many years back, i feel that apart from the horrid biting winter, nothing has really changed. I seldom get smiles from the people on the streets. I wonder if the winter played a part in the cold, cold, stony faces on the people here.

Maybe i just don't like winter now. The little bits of snow falling from the sky did nothing to soothe the turmoil in my heart and mind. and I lie awake each night here, just listening to the police sirens, counting the number of police cars which drove past my window. my heater is spoilt. there was absolutely no warmth in my room. just pure, pure icyness. And Paul heard how tormented I was by the cold, brought me his portable heater and set it up for me in the room.

I thought i'd love winter. But i guess i wasn't prepared for this harsh and horrid cold. it hit me right smack in the face when we stepped out of the airport. I told paul when i was in frankfurt that i'd give up the dance competition and he was understanding about it. so he met me after the dance thingy was over and we had breakfast along broadway. my initial plan of going to jersey garden was put aside simply because i didn't have the mood to brave the cold winds. and so I stayed in most of the time, reading and writing.

it was weird to come back on this flight exactly 2 months after the last one. and checking into the same room i had the last time made it not much easier for me. I cried once i put down my bags and removed the coat. I didn't dare sleep because I was afraid of receiving any calls from anyone. and so i stayed awake the whole night. and slept only when it was near dawn.

the sudden relevation of what i am going through hit me yesterday as i was surfing through the internet. and it made me shudder.

I hate being lonely, but yet i can't stand being in a crowd. I want to stand in the cold, but i hate the strong winds. I yearn for companionship, but i detest the person i become when i am alone with someone.

i wish i know what is happening to me.