of falling snow and runaway sanity

it started to snow just as we stepped out of the bus at JFK airport. The journey to the airport made me pretty sick, with all the abrupt jerking and all, but i looked out the window and i saw roads, cars, rooftops, trees all covered with a thin blanket of snow. At that moment, I wished i could be back in new york next week so i could be near when someone loses his virginity to snow.

as i revelled in the falling snow, i wondered why snow makes everything look so dreamy. i never really liked snow. it makes my hair go limp, my feet cold and mushy, but i had the urge there and then to catch the snow with my tongue. but of course. to do that in uniform not only warrants weird looks from other people and my colleagues, i might just find myself with a tongue-lashing (oh i made a joke) from the boss.

Christmas is around the corner, and although i'm thankful that i'll be home for xmas i really don't feel the festive mood in me. I guess the saying's pretty true, it's usually around festive seasons that people feel more depressed. and statistics actually proved that the rate of suicide is higher during christmas and festive seasons. Why am i talking about this at all?

i went completely berserk last night. and it happens to me more often nowadays. it could be the longer time spent away from home, the more lone time i get. and i kinda.. no longer know how to handle it anymore. it makes me feel horrible that i've turned into this monster i can't handle. i push people to their limits, the closer they are to me the more i want to push them away. i want to be around people but i don't want to be around people. and in the midst of a crowd, i feel like i'm alone.

i don't know how to turn it all around. i just want to disappear.

help.