heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-yak!

I think I am on my way to becoming a martial artist.

So the training in STC did keep me awake for the second part of the day, but the first part was a lot of struggling to stay awake in my seat. Paul called last night and we chatted for a couple of hours, and YES... stop nagging, I will go back to dancing soon. When I have saved up more money! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

Coffee with friends whom u love but yet seldom meet up is always gooooooooooood.


kelly, val, me, vincent (he looks like he's trying to dwarf himself in all the pictures we took.)

Oh.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN JING!!!! *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH* You're the first in our group to get old. hur hur hur. Older, wiser.

what are the chances of...

... having a sudden downpour while trying to get a cab with a shelter nowhere in sight?

AHHHH CHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

brrrrrr......

Met up at Holland Village with the guys to celebrate Ben jing's birthday. But while the rest met up at Hog's Breath for dinner, Ivy and I met up at TCC for coffee and small girl talk. I realised that this would probably be the first time that the two of us met up alone, other than she driving us 2 down to Sentosa to meet the rest couple of years back. And in many ways, I think we've both changed since then. We're all reaching quarter-of-a-century old now (I don't want to see the number yet!!) and it's high time we make firm decisions regarding our lives. No point hanging on to jobs which are draining your energy away, no point hanging on to relationships which just don't ever seem to work. The don't-wish-to-carry-a-label-self-declared-not-a-meat-eater (a.k.a. vegetarian) joined us shortly after, and we had a 'wild' time talking about... shit. I can't remember. Anyway, the rest joined us after their dinner and then we made Ben Jing eat his birthday cake even though he was full. Heh hehh hehhhh...

I need mahjong. My fingers are itching. I am gonna die soon.

A short talk with S made me realise how much I have been missing out on. And probably I should just leave doubts aside and do what I want. But then again... I hate feeling vulnerable to everything, if anything at all.

But... I guess you probably are right. I probably ain't ready, and am not cut out for this. So what should I do with my life?

je suis retourné!

I am back! FinallY! I've never been happier to reach Singapore! And the first return gift I got? licks and kisses from Charcoal. :)

The next gift?

A stupid bite from a tiny weeny ant.

Back home to faster broadband, comfortable bed and pillows, better smokes, and a dog to snuggle up to at night.

Now.... where's my wine?

sigh.

I am miffed.

Well, the deal is we are leaving today at around 4pm, from the initial plan of taking the earliest flight out. Which means I will only be home at 11pm or near midnight! Argh.

I woke up feeling a little peckish, so I ordered my favourite Marinated Bell Pepper and Mushroom salad. I love the balsamic oil vinaigrette they serve with the salad. What came was... SINGAPORE CHICKEN AND CASHEW NUT SALAD. So I called to change, and the lady on the phone was reluctant to change it, saying that I told her I wanted the latter. OF COURSE NOT! I asked for my bell pepper! I even told her I didn't want olives! Argh. And why would I want to come all the way to China to eat Singapore Chicken and Cashew Nut Salad? Not that the bell pepper and mushroom is very Chinese, but Singapore chicken?? So did the chicken come from hometown or what?

I'm just being very anal here, and I ran out of cigs. Damn.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEARGGH!

er.. I am still in beijing.

Sigh. Apparently some aircraft problem after take off and then we headed back to Beijing. Read it here.

I WANT TO GO HOME!

bored. zzz. bored.

High speed broadband isn't really considered highspeed when it takes ages to download a webpage, or takes 10++++++++ hours to download a game 62MB big.

ARGH.

I should really go sleep.

BYEEEEEEEEEE!

no snow?

It was a freezing -8 degrees Celcius when we touched down in Beijing... but no snow? I crashed shortly after I washed up and slept for a good... probably 8 hours. When S called I told him to visit me when he comes back to Singapore instead. Yawn.

I think I can still sleep somemore, save for the fact that I don't want to be wide awake at night.

ANYWAY, I don't understand why they put 'NO SMOKING ROOM' at the door, and have someone send up an ashtray to the room whether smoking or not. That defeats the purpose right?

QIAN! Can you come home on 17 March? I wanna go see Rachael Yamagata!

So far no one knows who she is. I've got a "Is she Japanese?" "When did you get interested in Japanese singers?" "Is she some dancer?" "Is it a ninja turtle?" (that was from Gigi, no less)... Sigh.

I wanna gO!

ooopsy daisy!

Yawnz... I am now sitting here waiting to go to the airport. After sooooooo many days of not working, my limbs just aren't coordinating with my brain. Just the act of putting on the uniform causes my arms to suddenly suffer from fatigue, muscles sore and aching. Sigh. I must psych myself up to work.

Frankfurt was ok, the flight up was a lot comfortable than the flight back. Due to some storm in that part of Germany, the airport was closed the day before I was due to return. And because of that, the flight I took back was FULL. I now realise that as a passenger, you can never last long in the seat, especially if you're flying economy class. Halfway through the flight back, I found that I couldn't feel my legs anymore.

Ah well, we went to Heidelberg, and visited the Heidelberg Castle. The castle was pretty empty, but we figured it was due to the sign at the gate stating that it was closed. So we went up nonetheless and found it as open as it can be. The tour guide was amusing, and when he told us about the huge wine barrel that was under the dining room, I never realised it was THAT huge. If i had that barrel at home, the wine inside could last me for a good one year, and that is if I drink the amount close to a bottle EVERYDAY.

And I did something silly on the way back. Argh. I forgot that passenger allowance for liquid stuffs are pretty restricted, and I got a bottle of Absinthe confiscated. :( damn..

Sigh. BAck to work. Off to Beijing tonight, and meeting S in the afternoon tomorrow. It's snowing it's snowing it's snowing (I guess). I hate to freeze my butt off.

finally on leave!

I got back from London 2 days back, but my heart ain't feeling any less heavy.

My bank account's hitting zero (don't ask why) and I am starting to feel the pinch from every cab ride I take. Argh. Time to save up, but how to when I'm leaving for Frankfurt tomorrow on holiday? Damn.

I guess I am ready to leave, I don't mean for my holiday, but from whatever predicament that I am currently in. I guess I've had enough of being inside this vacuum, moving nowhere here nor there. I really don't want people to do the things they think I want, because that would be pointless. I'd very much prefer if you do such things because you want it, and not because you think that's the right thing to say or do to me.

Things have been like that for the past one year, and I foresee it's gonna be like that for a long, long time. Ah well, what to do? Better leave before I find it harder than it already is.

I guess I am upset. But then again, it somehow makes no difference because this might have been how I felt all this while.

I have no one else to blame but myself. Expectations kill, don't they? I got in knowing what the outcome was, and then I allowed myself to change my thinking somehow. Argh. Yeah, I am tired of what's been happening in my life. If a decision hadn't been made, it will never be made. There's no point dragging on... right?

Sigh. But how?

*sits in a corner and sulks*

save me...

XC and I were talking about how great it is to be able to meet up even when we are thousands of miles apart. Spent the afternoon travelling out of London, down to Chatham to visit XC at the school and had lunch, catching up on our lives.

It's one thing to live out your dreams and another to live to survive.

These few weeks I've been feeling a little less than happy, and probably that could be the reason why I choose to be alone. With things happening back at home I guess I could make do for some getaway. Yet I have nowhere for me to seek solace. I wanna run away.

And then it comes a point when you want so much to be intoxicated, to just forget momentarily what has been in your mind, but no matter how much you drink and drink, you still stay very, very sober.

Let me take care of you, I want to protect you from hurt and pain. I want to love you, and be there for you always. This sms came in when I least expected it. But I think... I've had enough of all this. For now. And probably the realisation that all the while I've been pretty much alone, even when I was in a relationship has finally hit me.

I just seek for happiness, with someone, anyone, or with myself. That's not gonna be easy... right?

It's only 13 days into 2007 and I already am feeling like shit.

sigh.

london... london.

Typical London weather... wet and cold. Probably summarises how I am feeling these few days.

So we went to watch Queen - We Will Rock You, and I quite like it! Then it dawned on me that I've watched quite a lot of musicals this year. No wonder my bank account has been depleting. ARgh.

Down with sore throat, and losing my voice soon. argh.

I will be on leave after I return home, and am most likely heading out of town for a holiday. But then... I don't know if... I should.

Somehow on this flight I've made up my mind regarding certain issues, and want to take a stand, yet I don't know if it is the right thing to do.

I hate this.
I really do.

yada yada...

Nothing beats meeting old pals, silly batchmates at a time when you least want to be alone. The never ending bitching (hur hur hur)... the shared jokes... the sudden realisation that Holland Village can actually be a lot less crowded...

I've absolutely no idea what I'm babbling about.

We all have baggage. It's either ditch them, deal with them, or hide them forever. No one deals with someone else's baggage... right? And how long can one wait for someone before she finally calls it quits? Like I always said.. sometimes the wait becomes too long, when you finally get it, you realise.... you might not want it that much anymore. Is life always like that?

I probably am thinking too much, and reading too much into things. I might have gotten the wrong signals, interpreted the wrong words and actions... and perhaps caused this drama in my life. Heh heh. Or probably I like drama in my life.

5am, a bottle of Merlot and lack of sleep makes Jenn an incoherent girl. And I have a bad feeling I'm gonna be down with flu. Soon.

Tomorrow is another day of meet ups, and buying things for XC before I head off to London to meet her! Another team flight, at last. Sometimes it feels nice to work with people you know.

I'm gonna try sleep for a couple of hours, cuddle up to Charcoal under the covers. Hope rest will clear my head. Yawnz.

Good night, world.

the truth does hurt...

As much as I appreciate honesty, I don't deny sometimes the truth hurts. Really badly. Just when I thought things were gonna be ok, it somehow went wrong. Ah well, it happens, doesn't it? The funniest thing is, I expected something like this to happen sooner or later, just that I hadn't really prepared myself well for it. But how do u prepare yourself for something as fragile as this?

Qian sent me this song last week. I fell so in love with this song. And it kinda wraps up how I feel right at this moment.

Be, Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

happy new year!

WOOT! 2007 is finally here, and I have yet to feel any different. But well, countdown was spent watching The Anchorman - Ron Burgundy on Star Movies, and then Taboo with some friends. It is now proven that women are better at such word games than men.

Oh and Mahjong didn't happen. Nahhhhhhh..

Anyway, I'm off to Dubai, then Cairo. Will be back on 7th early morning. Hope it's a good time for me to recharge.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!