d'OH! d'oH! d'oh!

hahahaha, i watched THE SIMPSONS! and i think i might want to watch again!! D'OH!

i finally caught TRANSFORMERS! WOoooooOOooo.. i LOVE the show. it brought back memories of childhood and those lazy afternoons of playing robots with my brother and cousin. and how we used to make my barbie doll (i never liked barbie) fight optimus prime. we named barbie MEGABREASTS, and HE-MAN was the normal civilian. oh well, those were the days.. and i want to watch transformers again! think i'm gonna search for those cartoon series. yum!

and the pineapple upside-down turned out more like pineapple pancake than cake. it couldn't be the baking powder nor soda, so what the hell went wrong? and yesterday i managed to head down for a short short swim even though the skies were threatening to pour heavily. but a quick swim in the cold cold pool is better than none at all, so i'm glad, and now, i think i am nursing a soon-to-be cold coming up. and my whole back aches. ouch.

ah well.

had a chat with J a couple of days back. what is it about the past that one finds hard to let go? the fact that both parties have moved on to something new, a something that was once meant to be yours? so what the fuck is the point of hanging on to something that MIGHT have been and not try to work out with something that could be? get a life and move on, it'd only be fair to yourselves and to the new ones in your lives. yeah, you assured her there's nothing going on, but between you and me, i know that you keep feeding the past with hopes, because the past always tries to dig holes for you to fall in. and even if you fool the whole world, you can never fool yourself, and one day you'll lose the someone who could be your love forever. it becomes a sad life cycle.

******

and THE SIMPSONS TONIGHT! i can't wait i can't wait!

came back from the hospital earlier on, and was feeling upset so i came online to chat. B and i chatted online for a while, and called me from melbourne, just to hear me burst into tears on the phone. and even though i didn't say much to him, he just kept quiet and allowed me to cry the whole of .... say.. 20 minutes? before telling me that everything will work out in the end. that is, somehow true isn't it? everything HAS to work out in the end.

so it's bills, bills and more bills when i opened the mailbox. both snail and electronic. i'm tired really, and yet i don't know where i can find a place to just isolate myself. and then when i didn't get the kind of understanding i had, i felt even more upset. which, in my opinion, is more my fault than anyone else's. i can't expect people to always want to listen to me talk about the same old thing right?

i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry in someone's embrace.

they say, there's a treasure chest waiting to be found at the end of a rainbow. i say, find the rainbow first.

heard this song on FF's blog, and then remembered that he sent me this song last week while i was in LA. so i, shamelessly took this video off her blog. heh heh.



Till we ain't strangers anymore - Bon Jovi & LeeAnn Rimes

It might be hard to be lovers
But its harder to be friends
Baby pull down the covers
Its time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
Ill just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Dont you think its time we say
Some things we havent said
It aint too late to get back to that place
Back to where, we thought it was before
Why dont you look at me
Til we aint strangers anymore
Sometimes its hard to love me
Sometimes its hard to love you too
I know its hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life
With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Its hard to find forgivness
When we just run out of lies
Its hard to say youre sorry
When you cant tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So lets get down to it baby
There aint no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we’ll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
We’re not strangers anymore
We’re not strangers
We’re not strangers anymore

if there's one obsession i have, it's the pleasure of seeing my painted red nails sparkle with the top coat added on.

yeah yeah, it's still early for me to just touch up my nails, but i've planned for a day and night of shopping and since i'm leaving early tomorrow morning, i might as well paint it now and dedicate my time at night for stuffing everything into my bags before i concuss for sleep right? i ain't exactly a loner, but sometimes i love shopping alone. i ain't that keen on the usual places the other girls like to visit, like wu fen pu and xi men ding, and i won't trade in my precious shopping time in taipei just to go along with them. would rather head out to the university area and get what i want from there. with what's worth, everything is just about the same here.

as i was shopping along the streets last night, i thought i heard someone call me by my pet name. and i was like, only 2 people i know call me that, so i paid no attention and walked on, just to have someone tap me on the shoulder and "eh you deaf ah?!" so amongst the crowd both of us went WHAT THE?! .. the chances of bumping into someone, whom you haven't seen in a while at home, is pretty slim. but well, it was good, though the encounter was short. and then back to more shopping along the streets.

it's been a while since i communicated with someone over email, and with instant chat programs now, i feel kinda repressed knowing that questions i ask and answers i give won't be read until... until the recipient reads the email. and then i remember the excitement i used to get in the past when snail mail was still popular whenever i opened the mailbox. how friends and i used to send letters to one another even though we meet everyday in school. i think probably i still like seeing notes addressed to me whenever i open the mailbox (note: change of flights notes sometimes not considered).

mum has been visiting dad in hospital everyday, during the times when no one else might be around, and even though i seldom talk about dad these few days, he's always at the back of my mind, and i inevidently tear whenever i think about him. no longer having bickers with him over how much snacks he should feed charcoal, or leaving his food unattended because charcoal might snatch it away kinda makes everything else bleak at home. i've taken to looking through old photographs with dad and missing all the time i could have spent knowing him a little better, despite all the odds against mum, brother and i. it's been.. 4 months? and somehow though his condition has stabilised, it's still saddening to know that he doesn't really remember much. and seeing him lie in bed helpless, compared to in the past when his loud booming voice echoes from the bedroom because he doesn't know which number to press for the news channel... makes me break down whenever i peep in from outside the door to his ward. just because i stopped talking about it.. doesn't mean i no longer care. but mum's stronger than i am, and despite the fact i feel like the provider at home in monetary terms, she provides endless emotional support for me whenever i need it.

time flies so fast, things happen so suddenly and unexpectedly, i wonder if i can still catch up. and when this kid corrected me when i asked "so you're six years old this year?" with an indignant "NO! i am six and a half", i turned around and told the mum, "and a half matters to us when we were a lot younger, now we omit the and-a-halfs and the and-three-quarters as much as we can." to which she agreed and laughed. do i miss being young? yes and no. but time has matured me and taught me so much in a way no amount of education ever can.

i have recurring dreams often... but what do recurring dreams from... say many years back... mean? what are they trying to tell me? and why do i struggle to remember when i first had these dreams in the dreams? everything is so deja vu, even to the point when i wake up and stare straight at the ceiling feeling puzzled.

i dream a lot.

and recently the dreams were kinda, well, thought provoking. the times when i caught him staring at me while i slept, the times he stroked my hair as i slept.

very weird.

and well, CHARCOAL HAS BEEN PEEING IN MY ROOM EVERY NIGHT! and he does that stealthily, when my mum opens my bedroom door to get something he'd run in and peeeeeee! argh! he must be really angry with me about something, which i don't have a freaking clue. argh.

ripped this off ivy's page. am now in taipei, and i foresee more spending later. ouch.

damage to wallet today.. is half the allowance gone. bought lots of medication for someone, in the hope that it'd ease his sinus problems somehow, and my sleeping pills and super strong flu medication (you know, just in case..) and not forgetting my teeny little wee bit shopping done.

so the new hotel ain't that bad after all. if you're willing to walk a little u'll find everything, including a supermarket. hmm, a hypermarket more like it. no one wanted to walk there with me after the shopping done at the mall this afternoon, all saying it's too far and all, so i decided to take an evening jog there and visit that area. i never realised my right ankle is getting really really weak, with old sprains, until abt 10 minutes into the run, it kinda dislocated. well, it felt like my ankle fell off. and i had to slowly limp the whole way there, and the way back. ouch.

and in the afternoon, alvin gave me a piece of advice, "i've learnt never to trust maps in US." which, i found to be ABSOLUTELY true when i went in search of 'food 4 less' just now. the map indicated that it was before a particular junction, BUT, when i reached that junction i saw no signs of it. and because i limped all the way there i refused to give up, and walked further down. AND VOILAAAAAA! it was about 5 minutes FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD!! (#**&$#(*@#(*)(%

so yeah. i made it there. and bought all the sleeping pills i could find for my insomnia. and also all the strong strong sinus medication. ho ho ho i feel so learned, reading through all the medical terms and ingredients. and i bumped into someone when i reached the hotel and he went "ARE YOU CRAZY?? u should have taken the cab there! it's so far!"

legs are meant for walking my dear.

lalalala, i love love love pancakes and waffles in the morning. but now i am nursing my poor ankle.

fireworks at disneyland lit the sky and though i've never been a fan of such things, it still managed to brighten up my day. or night. whatever.

ok lesson learnt: never trust maps in US.

so i just checked into the hotel not too long ago. and while queueing up at the airport in LA to clear the customs, the crew from another airline asked me out for drinks downtown. he's cute, but i'll pass. right now it's just past midnight and i should really be sleeping, but i just can't get to sleep.

and mum said charcoal's been naughty naughty, peeing in my room just because i didn't spend enough time with him and because i scolded him over the phone last night. now he refuses to listen to me over the phone, putting his paw over his ear whenever mum tries to put the receiver near him. so irritating.

i got the room on the sundeck level, and there's a party going on outside my room. felt like taking a peek but i'm shy.

so yeah.

decided not to forgo my off days to maintain my original roster, time for a well deserved break somehow.

i don't get enough rest anyway. *yawn*

ok i shall indulge in myself a little on this trip.

nitey world.

being 2nd best.

it's always a wonder how rare it is for us to end up marrying the person we loved most. and then we end up marrying someone whom we love, but still think about the one we could have married.

and then years later, you realise he is thinking the same too.

so i say, love isn't the scariest thing on earth. marriage is.

if our paths find their way back, it still wouldn't be the same, for we loved who were in the relationship then, and not the present now. are we in love with memories? or the person?

leaving for los angeles.

love.

hmmm. put on standby today and was really surprised when i found out what flight i'd be activated for. leaving for taipei later, then to LA tomorrow (angie, come meet me in LA!) and as much as i try to change away US flights, there's no running away from it this time.

so after a few days of home-cooked dinner, wireless battle of suduko (thanks to nicky's PSP), tv watching, and cuddling, i can't say i'm really prepared to leave for such a long duration, but work is work, and the irony of it all? I was just online window-shopping and telling lou what i intend to buy when i go over to taipei early next month and i got activated. it seems like i have to spend my money earlier.

so i heard the new (well, already not-so-new) hotel in LA doesn't have much to offer. i guess it's back to prison breaking and spending money online.

and missing out on parties, bbqs (sausagesssss!) and all that i've had planned for the upcoming off days, including meeting up with someone in melbourne.

hokey! gotta go airport sooN!

if... you choose to lie, despite the fact that you know i already know the truth...

there's seriously nothing i can do.

well, i was totally prepared and packed for a boring weekend in zurich, because zurich on sundays is like a dead town, but surprise surprise! the once in three years Zuri Fascht was on!

so plans to go down to Bern were ditched, and we walked the fair immediately after we showered and changed. nearing the lake, some kind of a competition was being held, and as we walked nearer, we realised it was... a dragonboat competition. and then my craving for sausages and raclette took over, we feasted as we watched people dive from heights into the waters, games and ... well, alot more although we were pretty clueless as to what the festival was about. no one could tell us, and when we did manage to find some english speaking person all he could say was... it's just like a national day celebration. right. like that helps.

so it was reported that 2 million people came down to the fair, and fireworks lit the skies, but we missed all that because by evening we were dead beat and retreated back to the hotel for a good 12 hour sleep. and then back to the fair the next day, where we treated ourselves to a scrumptious mcdonald's lunch (laugh all you want you evil tweeps) and then more raclette and grocery shopping.

bern will always be there, but this one in three year celebration seldom comes by..

and a scrumptious dinner awaited, ending with a wireless battle of sudoku. heh heh heh.

sometimes the past catches up with us very unexpectedly. a surprised phone call, certain messages, and some afterthought left me wondering if i should have changed the course of my actions then. but what good could it have done? like what he said, to which i agree totally, time wasn't right and i was too caught up with the past. but if circumstances were different, i'm sure things would have been better. hmm.

and i don't know if it were because of all these happening in my life right now, someone bore the brunt of my frustration, a misunderstanding i caused. unhappiness and all, and it got me wondering for a long time why i changed and became like that. is it myself, or did someone or something cause this change in me? Joe said i had the temper of a stone, and it took him a while to believe that i now have a very short temper.

maybe i was not patient enough with you. maybe i should be more patient. that line stung. and i remember myself saying that when i was in a previous relationship. why have i lost myself when i moved on? and that constant blurb of uncertainty hits me when i least expect it. no matter how i brush it away, it comes back like an irritating fly.

ah wells.

oh! and we finished 24 season 6! FINALLY! yay! we can move on to other shows! no more season 7 until i'm done with most of the other shows that i want to watch. like desperately.

and my all-time favourite handsome cute boy:

what does it mean when you start to not know why you have changed into someone totally unlike yourself?

i don't even know if i get what i am talking abt.

angie is gonna leave us and go over to the STATES to look for cowboys. and because she's gonna rendezvous with many cowboys on her birthday, we kidnapped her and celebrated an early hatchday! well, probably calls for a good reason to celebrate cos my 2 princesses have been promoted at work and Lady Stella is moving on into another phase in life with Knight Javien.

*me, angie, stella*


*angie likes raw prawns.*




*my darling gal pals*

and what best to capture such happy moments with polaroids?





love you 2 always. *Smooooooooooooooch*
happy birthday angie. (one year older doesn't necessarily mean one year wiser so live with it.)

so 3 days back i baked a cheesecake, because i had a craving for it, and well, since i've not baked one in a while i thought it'd be good to fill the house with cheesecake smell. and because it's to be kept in the fridge for at least a few hours after it's cooled down from the hot oven, i kept trying not to drool over the cake.

fengmin came home and asked if she could eat. i told her no. my brother sms and asked if i could da-bao home for him, i told him no. so.. i waited, and waited, and waited, and just after one hour in the fridge i made fengmin my guinea pig. ho ho ho, luckily everyone like it enough to even ask for recipe.. me happy i can fatten up the whole wide world.

i'm wondering when this hot hot weather will go away. swimming everyday doesn't help. once my head is out of the water i felt myself perspiring. sigh. and my aircon is nowhere near functional. HELP!

nicky kept calling charcoal "truffles" when we were skype-ing the other night. today i tried to see if the name truffles got stuck in charcoal's head.

i called out "truffles!", and charcoal looked over.

THANKS HOR NICKY!

i fucking hate this.

i also want to feel safe. like... secure. and protected. and to know that .. what you tell me is the same as what you tell others.

sadly... it isn't so. and it made me feel that i'm not worthy.

*****

lawrence and i met up for lunch today, with a little baby girl in tow. because of my sudden craving for a&w's coney dog (which we no longer have the privilege to enjoy) i dragged him to superdog. and we chomped on our hotdogs in the dreaded hot weather. not that yummy but will do. and having a conversation which made me feel comfortable finally and a little adorable angel made the day in the heat all worth it.

*****

how does someone claim to love one, and yet not let go of the past? and think of someone else when you're together. why drag on with someone new when you constantly wonder if you want to get back to the past?

i fucking hate mind games, or people messing around with my heart, or anyone else's heart for that matter.

yes, you read that right. I FUCKING hate it. in due time, i suppose.

Breakdown by daughtry

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating it.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.