i'm shifting~!

2009 will be a year of changes.

and already i've changed my mobile number, my company name, why not my blog address as well?

find me here.

adios!

seulement, ce nuit, ce vie.

Alone Again (Naturally)
Vonda Shepard cover, Gilbert O'sullivan

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

don't save me.

it's come to a point where i feel that even if i choose to die, i can't go in peace because there are so many things i have yet to do for my mum and brother. and i know i have friends, i am not alone, but it's just not easy for me to just open up and tell anyone and everyone how fucked up i feel. how do i tell people that every single minute i am thinking about how i have to save money for the house, how unsure i am about finances, how i can't bring tears back home cos it'll only worry mum...

and ever since young i've been taught to be independent. being independent is good, but it also means i find difficulty relying on other people for help. I find all i need by myself, and sometimes i do, though pretty seldom, accept help from other people. it sucks, because many times i feel that i'm all alone in this though i know fairly well it's not true because i do have people with me. Yet i can't help but feel very deserted.

and just now when i was driving around feeling upset and sorry for myself, i scrolled through my handphone and didn't know who to call. i just don't know how to make someone feel the way i do, or tell them what i was feeling right at that moment, and i didn't want to spoil their day by dumping everything on them. what do i want to get out of calling them? assurance that things will get better? that i've heard so many times. but i have no patience. i don't know when that day will come, or if that day will ever come.

it's almost as if should i fall into the sea, and start to drown for whatever reason, i will just stop trying to float. like meredith in gray's anatomy, when she just gave up staying alive. i feel that exact same way. like if something untoward happens to me, i will just walk towards that bright light and never turn back.

writing all this out made me cry again, and i'm tired of whining like this, and yet whatever i do is simply not enough in my standards. like the money i've painstakingly saved for the past 3 years is simply NOT enough to get us a new place.

i want to hate dad, i really want to. i wanted to scream at his picture and scold him for not leaving us the place so that we have a roof over our heads and don't have to struggle to find a place. given that we've stopped taking money from him since i stepped into poly it just doesn't seem fair that nothing comes to us. but i just couldn't hate him at all.

fuck the coward i am, i have no guts to hire a lawyer to fight for our home, i don't want anything from him, i just want our home. i have no guts to get a lawyer to submit the request to view his will (if he did leave any) because i am so afraid to find out that he did leave a will but our names aren't inside. and to hire a lawyer, costs money and time, which i am pretty sure i do not have.

so if you thought i grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth, i will stuff that spoon in your mouth and you can tell me whether it's silver or not. I know i can survive this in the end. but from now till then, i really don't see myself pulling it through.

morbid

i just killed a mosquito. and all i thought of was DIE U LOUSY BLOOD SUCKER DIE!

sigh. very random i know. But the past few days saw a fever that came back, a jab overseas before i was able to fly back, lots of sleep thankfully but not enough to make up for all those lost hours, and lots of thoughts.

so many times i wished i could just leave and not have all these problems onto me. at least when i'm gone, my mum and brother will get what i have and i'm sure given the insurance polices i hold it should last them quite a bit. i look at charcoal and i hope and hope that if there ever is a next life, i want to be a dog. if i'm lucky, i end up in a good home with love and never ending food, if not i'll just live off the streets' dump. if i'm doomed i'll probably end up in some fucked up family and then be abandoned. like what they say, it's a dog's life.

i know there are people out there worse off than i am. and i shouldn't really be complaining but i do feel the pressure now and then, and i am ready to give up anything in my life just to sort this one out. i don't want to bother about what others think of me already, not like i did much anyway, and if i could, i want to sleep forever and never wake up.

then again, it won't solve my money problems.

fuck life.

i'm overwhelmed by the amount of money and work that is required to purchase a house.

i need beer.

one more leg to home.

finally, tomorrow i'm heading home.

probably it's been a while since i've been on such a long flight, i kept yearning to be home and resting. Or it could be the fact that the flu is bugging me to no end, making me crave for a lot of things only home would have: charcoal's cuddles, mum's soup, my bed... that i really am looking forward and counting down to the time i go on board and back home.

i spent most of my time sleeping in istanbul, and though it's not exactly my first visit there, i was not at all keen to go out. And dubai is hot and humid, though slightly cooler than the last i was here at 41 degrees celcius, it's not exactly the most fantastic weather to go out in.

mum told me that by june, we'd be expected to shift out. sigh, i don't know what to think, or what exactly to do, and i can't wait for the wind to carry me to wherever it wants to. i can't bear to leave too, my memories, my life, my childhood, all spent in this home. and i've tons of stuff! argh.

i miss home. but knowing that so many things are expected to change once i get home...

sigh.

misfortune

a dark cloud seems to follow me wherever i go. it's almost as if i'm standing under a raining umbrella, soaking wet, when others are in the bright bright sunlight, dry.

and the cravings for mos burger and ramen, as well as my mummy's soup did not stop me from snacking on oreo cookies, coco pops and whatnots. so much for looking skinny.

the team boy told me to change the brand of soap i am using. perhaps i should heed his advice.

heading up to istanbul later, and i'm feeling more sick than ever.

HELP.

and because i usually get all the wishes i get nowadays, which are those that will affect me and my bank account in a bad way i think i will keep my mouth shut.

*zipppp*

buh byeeeeeeeeeeee.

things are slowly falling into place, and hoping that it works out a lot better with this arrangement...

and i don't know why i am sick again after just recovering from flu.

this sucks.

a series of unfortunate events.

i have been so unlucky recently, i don't know where to begin.

it's INFURIATING.

firstly the loss of my passport which led to me not being able to work for a while, then last night's saga was enough to surpass the most unfortunate event in my life.

right now, i need beer, and sleep. LOTS OF SLEEP.

and money.

weddings and marriages; like cakes and tummyaches.

Adrian & Val pulled it off, though the skies rained mercilessly. It was a very beautiful party, and I cried buckets. I am a lousy Maid-of-Honour because, 4 words into my speech i started to tear. Muahaha. Nonetheless, everyone enjoyed themselves, parents, in-laws, friends, guests, everyone!

I think marriage is a very, very, very big commitment. I love weddings, I do. I love to see the groom waiting anxiously, beneath that calm facade, at the end of the aisle for the bride, and the look on his face when he sees the love of his life walk in. It takes my breath away, and never fails to make me cry. Wedding vows, wedding dances, wedding music... all of which i love. Which is why i love planning weddings for people!

But marriage, is a totally different ball game altogether. Aly said that it's just like being in a relationship, to which i agree. Yet, when you're in a relationship, if things don't work out, there's always a way out - the exit. That would be the easy way out. But in a marriage, because it's sacred, it takes a lot more... work. A lot more compromising, a lot more acceptance, and a lot more understanding. And then we talk about forgiveness, and selflessness.

I often wonder how it could ever be possible for a wife to forgive a cheating husband; i just cannot. To stand by someone through richness and poor, i could do it; through health and illness, that I could too; the good and bad times doesn't sound too difficult... but when you are married, you exchange vows, and if you should not hold up to your side of the vow, should you be forgiven?

I'm just rambling... but the recent months have seen the most weddings in my life. All of which magical, all of which memorable. And thank you for letting me be part of that magical moment, as you celebrate your next milestone in life.

I just don't know if i will ever be ready for marriage. Maybe i don't work hard enough, or maybe i don't want it hard enough. Maybe one day i might finally get married, and maybe i might not. But between now and then, I would have to work harder at learning the fundamentals of love.

i don't understand.

if communication is meant to improve things, so why do the things i mention time and time again still happen?

it's infuriating.

i have succumbed.

i have a weakness for nice looking but maybe not as useful products.

so number will be changed, if i haven't given you my new number, sms me at my current number ok? cos, phone was stolen in spain and i lost quite a few numbers.

sigh..

:)

back...

finally safe and sound back home...

this trip has been nothing but adventures after adventures...

and the stolen backpack gave me loads of distress...

oooh well.

hoping things will work outttttttt.

holA!

finally...

the long awaited trip will happen tomorrow night!

and the past few weeks, i've so much to write about but because the excitement is making me tingle like crazy, i can't write anything!

soooooo, one last hurdle before the holliiieeeeeday tomorrow~!

BARCELONA Here i come!!

i'm so happy excited i am incoherent.

WOO HOOO!!

gonna be the backpacker for 10 days. BUAI!

if love is about accepting one for who that person is...

why do we still go about making changes about ourselves and the other person?

i suck at this.

i don't dislike babies. Well, at least most of the time. They can be pretty adorable (if they don't cry), and funny if you make them stare wide eyed at something for a long time.

BUT how did these HUMANPETS get the strength to YELL at the top of their lungs?!

it's amazing how a 'noise' that LOUD can come out of something so tiny.

argh.

i'm back...

.. i figured, ultimately, i still need to whine to the world.

so here i am. back here again.

but i need to sleep before i start blogging.

5 hours flight can really kill, if you're working in both zones.

the realisation.

i know i've never been perfect and probably will never be...

but today i just realised... how far from perfect i am.

hiatus.
taking a break from the world.

if there ever is an award...

... for the fastest and most random blogger ever...

i will give it to MISS POTATOMUSMAXIMUS BOOBIES GIGI WONG.

yoou know i love yooouuuuuuuuu.

in a male dominated world.

finally the start of my long awaited leave.

and last night i celebrated it by meeting up with 3 of my close guy friends.. and waiting for them for almost one hour. So i made good use of the time to drink a full bottle of wine, and by the time the first of the three musketeers appeared, i was on to my second bottle.

i grew up with more close guy friends than girl ones, so the slightly more than just a handful very close girlfriends i have, are really those who i have stuck with through the years. And my guy friends... though they do nothing but mock fun at me because i am the minority (in some cases, the only one), i know i can always count on them when i need them.

and so the four of us, the Plasticman, the Auditor, the Principal and the Shingapok girl... sat inside wine network for the aircon, and as two of them informed (and/or reminded) us about their upcoming nuptials, the Principal and I started thinking if we should start a fund soon for marriage; not ours, mind you, but other people's wedding dinners.

even though we hardly meet and apart from the very occasional sms once in a blue blue moon, it's the fact that we could just sit down and talk like old times that makes me miss so much of secondary school life. the growing up part with all of you is one thing i wouldn't mind going through again. (though i know i'll still fall asleep during bio and maths.)

thank you for these 12 (or 13) years, and counting, of friendship.

and of course, not forgetting the Shingapok Boy, the Panda Policeman, the Pharmacist, the Pilot, the Monk, the ... (weng what should i call u!!), and of course... Miss ROLEK-GPS-INSURANCE-BLUR QUEEN. i love u all anyhowwwwwww. *muackZ*

new york new york

i thought i'd get over it, but every trip to new york is just a harsh reminder of what happened last year. i can't ever imagine how time flew by so fast. it always feels like yesterday when i had to live with the fact that we are minus one in the family.

the only thing that made me upset is the fact that i had to grow up overnight and deal with all money matters in the family. financial contributions and handling family finances are just two different things. so many days i have to live with nothing in my bank account, changing all other foreign currencies to home cos i just have nothing to live on. only consolation i have is that my current job pays good enough to keep the family alive. i just need to save on certain things.

that aside, i live on fairly decently.

i went to donate blood the day before i left for this trip and though it wasn't anything scary anymore, i was pretty surprised when i felt alright after the donation. Until about 4 hours later, i removed the arm band and... i fainted briefly at the airport carpark when mr kwok was loading his bags into the car. his enactment: "i was talking and talking and then when i closed the boot you were nowhere to be seen."

ya laugh all you want.

anyway i am severely lacking good proper rest. after 2 over years in flight i've decided to heck following the local time when i'm overseas and sleep all i want.

so now at 11.30am in NEW YORK NEW YORK, I AM GOING TO SLEEP. and no one is going to stop me or say WHY ARENT U GOING SHOPPING! cos i just ain't. i want to save money.

so there.

bye bye and good night.

take-offs.. and landings.

Staying at the airport hotel was really a darned affair for most of us, the fact that the shopping area was 20 min drive away instead of just across the road was not the damper, but that this hotel we are in, has nothing in the vicinity; no convenience store or whatsoever.

yesterday i did the fastest shopping ever. just got what i needed to get, hung out at apple shop for a while, ran into crate & barrel to see if i could get anything (i didn't...) and sees' candies on union square. no shopping for myself. which was sad, but then again i haven't much to spend because of the change of flights. i wondered if i was slowly becoming a shopaholic, because i almost wanted to heck the allowance and just spend whatever i want. Thankfully i held back. otherwise i'd be really broke.

sometimes i wonder if people here are just lazy or purely inefficient. certain experiences on this trip made me feel that there really are dumb people around.

and because i thought i saw a petrol kiosk on the way to the hotel, this morning i decided to venture out for a run along the bay, and search for that petrol station. the bay area was pretty nice. and i sat down on the benches to look at the planes queueing up to take off.

so many thoughts thru my head. so many times i feel like i want to give up on everything. yet so many times i didn't.

i miss dad.

and i think i'll forever miss him, wondering if things could have been different if only...

sigh. growing up.. growing up... age takes away precious things from you, replacing things with memories which could be lost many years down the road. and so the equation only means.... growing up sucks, doesn't it?

and if i take off from here, will i land where i wish to be?

little miss manners.

getting married is such a hassle.

the wedding preparations... i wonder why people would put themselves through all this trouble. probably why wedding planners are great help. and the fact i won't be seen in a wedding dress anytime soon, makes me feel grateful that i'm not the bridezilla-to-be.

people ask me why i left the public relations line.. cos it seemed so fun and vibrant... and i told them in honesty that sometimes i'm tired of having my brain churn out politically correct answers which somehow can be untrue but sounds 100% true. and then u bring that kinda mentality home. you start talking to loved ones using politically correct answers, forming questions which will lead them to answer it the way you want them to.... and then it defeats the purpose of being truthful and open with your friends and loved ones, doesn't it?

you start being particular about mannerisms, because in PR, image matters. you get particular about the way people talk, because in PR, perception matters.

i am little miss manners, and i ain't shy to admit that. I like it and appreciate it when people display good manners; the basic being saying their 'p's and 'q's. During meal times, i don't like to stare into the inside of someone's mouth; and i don't know how to appreciate loud chomping. i can be a prude, or a bitch at that, but to me, it's just basic manners that one observes.

Telephone conversations are important as well. I don't like to hang up when there's no firm ending to the call; meaning, if both parties do not say goodbye, or when one party doesn't acknowledge the goodbye, then the phone call hasn't really ended, has it? it irks me to no end when someone hangs up after he/she has finished their side of the conversation, and with a 'thank you' or 'bye' they just hang up, while i am probably not yet done with the call. it makes me feel really really ignored.

maybe it's just me. i am a prude. there are just so many instances i can't stomach, and as much as i know i should just try to live with it, i hate the fact that it destroys my mood for the day.

i'm not perfect with manners, either. I do the hang up on people thing when i'm pissed. childish i know, but i get pissed and i'll just not bother. I just don't make bad manners a habit. or make bad habits become lousy manners.

so there.

i'm a prude. i'm a bitch when it comes to manners. shoot me.

hooookay!

so today i got my arse out of the bed, washed and waxed the car (both interior and exterior), brought charcoal out for a run, bathed and groomed him, read some books, did some drawings, and packed some books away, and the freaking irritating thing is, I AM TIRED but i just can't get to sleep.

i did charity today to this group of mosquitoes which made their presence known within 5 minutes with 6 mosquito bites. OOOooh how i hate mosquitoes.

somehow i feel that i still like the loud clicking sound of my ibook compared to the silence when i'm working on a macbook, or macbook pro. i like the clickety click. and ultimately, it's my very first ibook.

on a very different note.. sometimes i think about the relationships i've had when i was younger. those 'set your heart palpitating' kinda crushes that turned into relationships, those talks and promises of the future over late night phone chats, and just mindless, endless walks and busrides to nowhere... it's just puzzling how as i moved on in life, i seldom experience those ... i wouldn't even call it feelings.... but occurrences? long late night phone chats have been slowly replaced with late night sms-es of good nights, mindless endless walks replaced with long drives...

i don't know if i have an idea of a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship that i work towards. in all honesty, i guess i'm old enough to know that there's nothing perfect in this world, and we only make something as perfect as we can. i might not be with the cutest guy in the whole world, but i am with a guy i find really adorable when he makes me laugh even when i'm pissed... we prob might not look compatible because he looks younger than he is and i look older than i really am, but i feel we're compatible when it comes to maturity and knowledge; he might make me pissed at times with his nonsensical talk, still, we communicate a lot on other aspects... so i might not have a perfect partner, but i have someone who is near perfect, and suits me more than just fine.

i probably sound mushy at this point... but the past few days i've been listening to others' relationship woes.. and just being grateful for all that i have.

ok gotta go sleep.

weird dreams

the past few nights, i've been having weird recurring dreams... not totally identical, but similar in many instances.. dreams where i lose money, or i am seen giving money away, or just totally broke.

so everything is about money. and then i went to search for the meaning of my dreams.

To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. Additionally, you may be lacking ambition, power and self-esteem.

To dream about giving money away, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love. To see others giving money away, suggests that you are feeling ignored or neglected. Someone is not paying enough attention and showing enough affection toward you.

To dream that you have no money, denotes that you have a fear of losing your place in the world or that you feel that you lack the abilities needed to achieve some desired goal. You may be overlooked or neglected by others.

how apt.

i kind set a few things in place when i got back from London. Which was good timing, given the fact that i was no longer happy with the arrangements and now that i'm kinda able to handle my own affairs i'm feeling a tad better. just that i'm jealous the Man is having fun eating wanton noodles and mango desserts in hongkong now, and i can only get to do that next week. or 2 weeks later.

oOOOoh well.

london bridge has frozen.

Val told me that "YAY IT'S FINALLY SUMMER AND IT'S WARM AND SUNNY!" and 4 days later she told me it's cold cold.

So now i am here in London. AND summer's kinda GONE.

and Hong Kong got me missing all the late night wanton noodles, mango desserts and oh-so-yummy dimsum. and macau's egg tarts.

ok ok ok i oughta go prepare to go out meet MS BRIDEZILLA..

a random random post cos i'm just so sleepy.

hmmm.

I think the hard truth about getting old is you tend to have more alumni clubs to join, more weddings to attend, and probably more wrinkles on your forehead.

somehow i miss sitting behind the desk, doing all the press releases, marketing stuff, events handling and all, yet sometimes i feel so lazy i'd rather spend my free time surfing the web, reading books, catching up with sleep, or just chatting online.

it's one of those random days again, and it's near 5am in the morning.

shucks i better go to bed.

cookies 'n cream

i'm now sitting at gloria jeans on flinders st, staring outside as people and cars pass me by. gigi stayed over last night with me in crown, just because she's in melbourne to visit her brother n gf.. and she made me walk back to e hotel just because she left her toiletries there. so i did, while she goes off shopping. i'm a nice friend.

i'm not much of a coffee drinker, but days i do i love cuppucinos, strong black coffee and the occasional ice blends.. cookies n cream from gloria jeans is my current favourite..yummy yummy yum.

i wonder what i'd have done with my life had i taken another path to walk on. it puzzles me nonetheless..how we are always on one path and thinking about another. does this apply to relationships as well?

my current never-to-leave-home-without item is my new pocket camera. i was in a bookshop one day n chanced upon this photo book 'memories for my son'... and i thought about how few photos i have with dad..how i never knew but could only imagine his life from the few photos that we have of him... and i decided i don't want to leave the world, my family.. like that. i want to document everything, happy or sad... and keep it. in my memory, in photos.

and this msn chat with qian while typing this entry got me thinking.. why did things that were supposed to be done out of goodwill, out of kindness...and supposed to be from the heart... become the standard procedure in things we do? sometimes i don't understand why we have to rush thru certain things when they emphasize on offering premium experience. and how people like to make others feel lousy about themselves. it irks me. very much.

i'm slowly outstaying my welcome here.. gotta go grab my things and rush back for my simpsons' marathon on fox 8.

can't wait to go home.

it is so awfully hottttt!

it's hot hot hot hot hot i feel like i want to just climb into the fridge and not move.

the aircon's been down since ages ago, i don't intend to fix it but it's so hot hot hot hot hot i miss the cold weather overseas.

i googled "how to make ur room cooler"

argh it's hot hot hot hot hot hot

gonna turn off the lights and the computer and all other appliances (except the fan) so that they wont emit heat.

AAAAAAAARGH!

get it right.

i'm not afraid of working with you, i just don't like to work with you so stop thinking that way.

freaking bi*ch.

i have been proudly telling everyone that i have cleaned and tidied my room to a state when i come home i get a ZEN feeling.

off to London tomorrow. The off days are just not enough.

*waves hi to velviie!*

*ahhhhh CHOO!*

oh well *sneeze sneeze* i dink i am down with fwu...

sydney was cold. cold. freaking cold and i think i wasn't that prepared for the harsh weather at night. i was practically shivering my ass off, and by the time i went to bed i was already feeling a little unwell.

so i woke up the next day feeling less than perfect.... arghhhhh. the only thing i'm grateful for was that due to this super long stay, i had enough time to catch up with everyone's who's there.

and today i woke up sick. nonetheless, the day was spent with the boyfriend who chauffeured me around; to vivo for Three Kingdoms, gelatissimoooooo at the empty Flyer, and crooning the whole day away. *AH CHOOO!*

ok this sneeze is getting on my nerves. feels almost like my brains are coming out through my nose.

4 lines. 4 words.

disgruntled incompetency and inefficiency.

lousy excuses broken promises.

freaking cannot plan days.

f**king f*ckers fu*ked up.

growing up hatred.

i hate everything about growing up.

no one told me about the heightened responsibilities, the additional workload, the lessened fun, the minimum sleep, and of course, taxes!

probably feeling a lil frustrated today, and filing taxes didn't help exorcise that frustration within. i reorganised my room recently, nowhere near completion yet, but it felt better seeing things shifted about here and there. and then i wonder why did i even bother cleaning up? probably one day very soon we'd be asked to leave. so why bother?

no one told me about the eldest child being the one making all the decisions. I hate making decisions. i wasn't prepared for such a huge responsibility. i grew up independent, learning how to fix everything around the house and handle all things since young, almost the "man" of the house, but yet i can't do the budget for my family. Mere financial contributions aren't ever enough. I've property taxes to pay, even when the ownership isn't ours, bills and other ad-hoc things that i know mum would never ask me for.

i don't mind being the one doing the contribution, seriously. but i don't know if i can continue to live everyday wondering when we'd have to leave. and.. guess what? I don't ever want to leave! I shifted here when i was about 3 or 4, and most of my memories, good or bad, were of this home.

dad passed away and i had to grow up overnight. somehow i don't feel the difference in all other aspects, but the heightened responsibility is getting to me. and i am rambling i know. i just want to get everything out of my system, and i don't want to speak to anyone anymore about all this because... listening to me spout all this nonsense and breaking down everyday is not going to do any good to my "popularity poll".

i get frustrated, and upset, and of course i get impatient with a lot of things. and they all say that i have to be strong, because i am the eldest child. but no one ever realised, this eldest child has a side that needs to crumble before she can build her fort stronger? no one realised that this eldest child is a woman after all, and can't be a "man" all the time? but yet, she's too used to being one that she forgets she had this soft, and gentle side which seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

yes, i admit i am weak. i am not as strong as other women who strive hard to handle everything in life. all i want to do is grow up slowly, grow up in the way i want. life dealt me a hard lesson, one which i am grateful for, but yet not ready for. so what am i to do? isn't there supposed to be a manual in life? or something i can download in patches so that i'd know what to do next?

i want options. i want the freedom of giving up or not. i want choices. it feels to me that i'm denied of all this, and then i think i am being selfish because i didn't think about how my mum and brother would feel. everything i decide from now onwards, will affect them in one way or another, and in different magnitudes for each decision, each bloody choice i make.

i am afraid. i am frightened, scared shitless, that i'd make the wrong moves. i know for many things i would know whether i've made a mistake almost immediately, but for many other things i would only know much later. who will tell me whether my decision is right or wrong?

i want to give up, yet i don't. i want to crumble, yet i don't. so what the fuck do i want? i only know it irks, as much as hurts, whenever people comment that i am no longer like who i used to be.

Life... you've chosen the wrong person, because this person isn't strong enough to brave whatever's coming her way.

triste.

gave away the frankfurt run for an osaka flight so i could satisfy my nihon-go craving, and i'm glad i managed to do the flight, cos at least it gave me the opportunity to catch up with jaslyn, and really chat. it's so rare to get flights with people you know, and i long for that kinda familiarity, that you look forward to flights because that someone is on board.

anyways, osaka had us running about trying shoes, looking at bags, oogling at clothes, and we almost went bankrupt. but worth it for the company.. and i'd do it again anytime. then the back-to-back flights came, just to attend the wedding in taipei and to still remain on flight so i could catch up with the ditzy batchgirl. if there's one wish i could make, it'd be to have flights with friends.

the past few nights' topics at gatherings have been pretty similar.. and left me wondering if people actually do think about what could be on the other path not chosen. would my life have changed drastically? was that change worth it? the saddest part is that no one will really know, at least not me.

and it's puzzling, to me, that when a person has passed on, everything in your life kinda moves ahead, but there'll still be this part that remains stagnant. and poignant memories are no longer the ones which make you cry. all thoughts, in fact, only happy thoughts and memories bring out the tears. the non-stop flow of tears. like what mr kwok said, all that matters is how i remember dad to be. question is, what if i don't have enough memories of him?

so i'm trying to patch up the holes in my life... family ties, relationships and all... and feeling that time passes more quickly than i want it to. and if my life is a big jigsaw puzzle... i think i'll never be able to finish it.

daaang!

so just as i was preparing to leave the house for flight, the office called and said there was a change of aircraft and i'm supposed to step down and be on standby.

and since probably around 11am until now, i've been restlessly walking about and trying to get the weekend off so i could spend a wee bit more time with the man who's kinda in a holiday chalet now. but from the looks of it i doubt i'll be around, so i guess i'll most likely be stuffing myself silly with pasta and pizza.

ooooh wells. probably the overdose of short simple flights have made me slightly lazy.

ok i think i should start to remove my makeup. and i hate it when people need your help they come cowering but when it's the other way around they freaking don't bother how they treat you.

sometimes it still hits hard, randomly, like.. in the middle of a conversation.

and it'd be a struggle to hold the tears back, but i'd always try.

***

spent yesterday in taipei with the aunt and cousin who came over to join my uncle for a short holiday. and as i brought them around the night market to eat and shop, the little one never ever stopped yakking. she's adorable, not irritating, just... noisy. but she's an intelligent one. thing is, i didn't remember me being that talkative and hyperactive when i was in primary four.

and then i miss being primary four.

***

so the standby was pretty (*#@&)#&_@#*()%&#, and i finally managed to get my old taipei line reinstated, so i didn't have to spend lotsa money on phone calls and sms-es in taipei. it was a lot of walking today, and i fulfilled my bubble tea-a-day by drinking 2 cups today cos tomorrow i'm checking out.

don't have the mood to work actually, wondering if it's because i'll be on leave after i reach home, or just because i don't feel like it, but i'm looking forward to home and preparing for jav & ste's big day.

***

walked past the bar earlier, and heard shania twain's 'you're still the one'... and remembered it was a song i loved dearly, for it meant a lot to me then. wondered a lot about the could-have-beens, and the what-ifs. why am i so down?

argh.

i miss charcoal's smell. i miss mum's voice, and i miss brother's snoring.

and many times.... i miss the smell of dad's hands.

sigh.

bubble teaaaaa

i think reorganising my shelves has become a fortnightly affair.

managed to free up a lot of space and boxes in the room, so that i have space and boxes to fill. and because i have to act as a one day tour guide to some relatives in taipei, i won't be able to meet the dogs tomorrow. sigh.

and right now i think i should sleep. but yet i ain't really tired, probably because i am so looking forward to my leave after this trip. *yippeeeee*

and the bestie's customary wedding is on this weekend, i am already thinking of mean mean things to do to the guys.

ohhhhhh wells.

i'd better try to sleep. past few flights i've shocked myself by waking up at call-time.

argh.

arrrrrgh.

i simply cannot understand why my room is messy again after 1 week.

ARGH.

seriously.

i am suffering from bubble tea, and ktv withdrawal symptoms.

and 11 days away from singapore made me miss mahjong, but the first night i was back i lost a grand total of $50. shucks. and so now charcoal is fatter, and cuter (because i brought him to the groomer's yesterday)... and oh man i missed charcoal so muchHhhHHhhhh.

thankfully the bank account is still alive, all because silly me forgot to bring out a photo id with me when i was in LA which really saved me a lot of money, but i still shudder to receive the bill for next month.

oh wells.

i finally met up with The Alcoholics in Taipei (Peter & Diana, Brandy & Whisky: 2 humans and 2 bitches); the daily affair in taipei was shopping in the day, lunch with Boon, more shopping, or KTV with the smokies on flight, dinner with The Alcoholics and Neeee-kiiiiiii, back to the hotel for drinks with the smokies, and process repeated the next day.

And i was introduced to brandy when she was still loving the biting action. when mr kwok came over, she was a lot tamed. standby was not activated, and i had fun skipping standby to look at geeky stuff with the boyflennn. and the group dinner was ditched when Mama Alcoholic had to work overtime with her ulcers, and Neeee-kiiiiiii left us for pretty girls in the countryside. 阿里山的姑娘美如... forgot the last word but *shrugs*. So mr kwok and i spent the night trying to act taiwanese, trying to act touristy, and then we went over to Tong Hua Jie where i proudly introduced Brandy to mr kwok.

so after we fed the Alcoholics, we brought brandy window shopping though most of the time Diana and i were in the shops, Peter with brandy outside the shops and Lou usually looking around for other shops. and at the big huge pet shop we found a big huge fat cat which was adamant that brandy not disturb his rest. Snarled and growled and slept at the foot of a stand.

and i offered dog sitting services when i next go over to taipei.

which is somehow a guarantee i won't spend all my money away any-o-howly!

i got flowers!

just a couple of minutes ago, i had a call in the room, and the caller said i had flowers sent, and waiting at the lobby.

and because i thought it was a prank by one of my colleagues, i went "Ya ya ya, 真的吗？不好笑。" and hung up the phone on the poor guy.

and he called back immediately to say it wasn't a prank and he'd bring up the flowers.

and yeap i got flowers from mr kwok. 20 red roses cos i'm 20 years old. (SHUT UP ALL OF U!)

*looooove*

*swoooooooooon*

ok i am girly. let me be cos it's my grow old day.

i'm old, boring and predictable.

CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

i haven't really had time to myself to really think through everything that has happened in 2007. yes, i've had time alone, but never as peaceful as today. lots of reading, thinking, and just.. spacing out. and when i read the above lines from grey's, it just struck a chord.

and yes, i'm officially 25+1 years old today. last year, when i filled out survey forms, i could happily tick the 25-30 age group and feel i'm the youngest, but today i'm "upgraded". and hopefully a little wiser, as val pointed out bluntly. THANKS. and to all who are happy that i'm older..... *ROOOOOAR*

26 years old. many years back i had dreams of me being someplace very accomplished in my career. i am someplace, but nowhere near accomplished nor in my dream job. but things change, expectations change, we change. i've changed. what plans do i have for this year? nothing much. I'm still on the recovery, in many aspects, trying to deal with myself, with certain issues in life and with my own expectations.

the last day of chinese new year, the lunar valentines' day and my birthday. last year today i was in the air from los angeles to taipei, and didn't see the date 21st February. Tomorrow i'm headed for Los Angeles. Last year today i remember standing outside Sheraton Taipei, making a video call to dad, chatting to him, mum and seeing charcoal on the phone. This year, it was just mum and charcoal.

The reunion lunch this year, was a minus one. we set a table for 4, the dishes on the table significantly lesser, but still those he would have liked. but we ate in silence, and at a point, in tears.

and there are still many days i wake up, wishing that it had all been a dream and things would go back to what they were like in the past. and sometimes i do wonder if things would be better had I chosen another path. but i learnt that there are just some things you can't ever change.

on a happier note, dinner with the igualans was pretty successful. people who went MIA previously turned up, people who couldn't navigate on four wheels previously turned up, though the mahjong addict was in the air from denmark to singapore his presence was sorely missed (ok i said that to appease the legend). and i had a great time. nothing beats being around people who grew up with you, who knew you inside out, who forgive you for not making enough effort to meet up, who can still be there for you when everyone else in the world gives up on you, who love you for just being you, and who will still love you even when you are no longer you. From hideous stories you'd never want your other halves to hear (which is why the legend never brings out his girlfriend anymore), to surprisingly good news you'd never think you would know (the pilot and the missing miss shum).

i've received cute presents this year also. the very first was val's PIGGY bank to me (LITERALLY PIG. PINK PIG) which went oink oink whenever i dump money inside, and sends charcoal growling, and my very very very first Agnes B. coin pouch, which, only has space for coins. meaning i cannot do the auntie thing and dump notes nor cards inside. then the next day i had another agnes b. card pouch from some ex-colleagues, which i am told not to put coins in.

mr kwok baked me a cheesecake for the dinner, which he graciously sponsored also, at arab street WHICH was finished up by the second day, and a dual-time watch to replace my current one. and now it means whenever i wear it on board i cannot be too rough.

the guys got me a handcream, ("it's very good! not greasy one!") and yeah it's good and smells nice tooooo. *smooch*

i finally met up with the potato, though it was a brief one, and we had a very good time sitting outside coffeebean and talking about whatever and anything. *love* and i got a chain with my name. non-kinky chain.

mummy got me a cake and we had an early celebration at home and charcoal loaded me with kisses and dumped his favourite toy in my bag.

this morning Rat came down all the way from taipei to give me my present and a birthday cake, sang a silly birthday song for me and left after breakfast to go back to taipei to work. just so that i could stop whining about being stranded in boring taoyuan on my get-old-day. THANKS LAH OK?!

I made almost everyone sign up for a mahjong account online and forced them to play with me last night. or when they are online. and i have a mahjong addicted other half.

and yay, finally finished updated, cos K complained that no one whines as much as i do, and that he had nothing to read for the past 3 weeks.

Back to more reading.

to my lovely huggable friends who smsed me early this morning or at midnight or left me messages on facebook msn wherever, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL.. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

k now i am going to just stare at the number 26.

SHUCKS!

was sorting through the hoards of photos in my ibook and macbook, and it suddenly hit me...

where the fuck are the photos i took when i went to copenhagen and my first paris flight? and first frankfurt? argh! and many other places?

and then i sorted them thru dates, and a whole chuck of photos from june 06- oct 06 .... MISSING!

damn. must still be stuck in my Piss-See. freaking arsed.

must get harddrives out. SOON!

not a sunday...

mum and i did our annual chinatown chinese new year tour today. but this year it felt really different, firstly because we aren't celebrating, and then because we're gonna be short of one at the reunion lunch.

so we went down to waterloo street temple to offer our prayers, and i asked for a divination lot for.. well, everything. it didn't feel like sunday though, today, even until now. it was crowded, but it just didn't feel like sunday.

hopped on the bus to chinatown, and en route, a pair of grandparents chatting over someone's head to their friend seated right in front left me feeling amused. and i missed, right that instant, the times i used to spend together with granddad and grandma.

the skies didn't hold up, and it poured heavily when mum and i were only 5 minutes into our window shopping. and i was almost gonna faint from hunger! so maxwell beckoned, and i felt disappointed at not being able to eat my sliced fish noodles. and chinatown seemed bleak this year, not sure if it were the rain or just me.

lots of mochi in my bag later, we hopped on the bus for home. just because i bought some really cool gadgets for my phone, i killed our half an hour waiting time by forcing my mum to take pictures with me.



and NO, i am not strangling charcoal.



this picture will be shown to people who piss me off BIG TIME. check out charcoal's butt.


another random post. because nails painted, flight tomorrow and i no want to work.

and instead of being in roma and standing in front of fontana di trevi, i opted for a japan stay with more days off at home.

so i spent close to 4 hours shopping, buying things that i have no need but can create a need for, and eating all my yummy yummy saba fish and unagi. LOOOOOVE.

the crazy senior gave me lots of weird funny ideas to do on my last day at work, or to people who are bullies at work. i am slowly compiling a list. hur hur hur.

ok i am just plain tired and lethargic, heading out to chinatown with mummy now.

it's time.

i need to find peace, and happiness within myself.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

i'm tired of being the one who's making everyone else upset. i'm tired of saying sorry when things go wrong, because it happens far too often. i'm tired of hearing sorrys, because it only makes me feel frustrated that things have come to this stage. i'm starting to detest, and really detest, the word 'sorry', because it slowly means nothing to me anymore. i'm tired of losing my temper ever so easily, because i never used to. and i dont know how to deal with this because i've never done it before.

i'm not trying hard enough, and it's not fair for me to put anyone through all this.

the water is wide...

Sarah McLachlan - The Water is Wide
with The Indigo Girls and Jewel
from Lilith Fair: a Celebration of Women in Music

The water is wide, I can't cross o'er
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I

Now love is gentle, and love is kind
the sweetest flower when first it's new
but love grows old, and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew

There is a ship, she sails the sea
she's loaded deep as deep can be
but not as deep as the love I'm in
I know not how I sink or swim

The water is wide, I can't cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row - my love and I
and both shall row - my love and I *lyrics from: lyrics007.com

how do you find happiness in a life you see no future in?
and everywhere you turn, somehow you have this sense of melancholy, and with that, a heavy heart.
how do i lighten steps which feel laden with lead?
which seem to leave dark imprints on the ground i walk?

how many people must i hurt before it seems enough?
how do i get rid of all these frustrations... everything that consumes me?

i thought i'd take a nap before leaving london later.

but i tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. stared at the only family picture i have on my handphone wallpaper... and slowly wondered if i am still living a dream.

it just feels.. somehow... that dad is still around, you know? and that when i wake up later i'll see him.

and sometimes i just don't want to wake up. because waking up means i have to face reality. yet if i am living a dream now, maybe when i wake up dad will still be around.

sigh.

zzzless.

4.18am.
and dear me needs to wake up to prepare for flight around 8am.
quickly rush to beat the morning office go-ers on wheels, and get lost on the roads leading to the arrival pick up area.

i am slowly being repaired, but the voice is nowhere near angelic. and london tomorrow, as well as in the new roster.

remind me never to complain ever again about not having london flights in a long while, and having too many paris/zurich flights. I actually miss zurich.

and so.

off days don't ever seem to be enough, and it's scary really how i no longer can picture myself doing other kinds of work already.

this is sad. tres triste!

such is life, isn't it? it's only 3 months into the new year, and by first week of march i already would have been to london thrice.

my second home.

listening vs hearing.

after a talk with a close friend a couple of days back, i can see why sometimes things don't work out between two people.

listen, and acknowledge you're listening to what the other party says.
people can tell whether you are really listening, or just letting the words flow thru from the left ear to the right one.

and slowly the person will give up trying to tell you anything at all.

simply because, there is just no point.

for that person will only be talking to a wall.

so in 2007.. i've learnt..

... not to bother too much about tarnished nails so long as i can't tell they are tarnished from far.
... super shiny top coats and fast drying top coats (talking about nails duh duh duh) are the answers to beautiful nails.
... big huge corporations have big huge idiots sitting at the top with big huge goals and no big huge ideas how to attain them.
... flu can be contagious, even over facebook.
... certain problems are not that easily settled by replacing the number of losses, because you simply take away the quality.
... that one cannot be expected to give first class end product when being compensated peanuts.

ooooh i'm such a whiner.

but on the bright side,
i am recovering from the horrid flu and slowly passing on to whoever i've spoken to over facebook, and msn. I am evil. i really cant help it, but i've got half the people online in my list with the nickname "flu.... flu....stupid dripping nose" or similar.

and on the brighter side,
i think i will lose weight if more of my flights depart from terminal 2 instead of 3. such a freaking distance to walk.

bah.

and to step down from the hong kong flight i was called up for, and then called up later for a bangkok turnaround was a gift.
lur-va-lee.

p/s: should i worry that i'm thinking about cheesecake and deep fried chicken wings and steak and ice cream and tom yum soup and korean instant noodles when it is near midnight (read: bedtime) and i still have a cough and sore throat?

please handle with care.

and i am defective. like spoilt goods. i decided i can't operate flight tonight, and dragged myself out of bed to visit the doctor. so i am diagnosed, tagged, with viral infection; symptoms being sore throat, full blown flu, cough, muscle ache, and the freaking low blood pressure again.

it's been a while since i feel so ill. yeah i've had downtimes but this seems like the first in a long while that i took so many days off work to recuperate. sigh.

so another 2 days in addition to my first mc in 2008. and it's not even... 2 weeks into the new year. what a start.

waiting for the medication to set in before i succumb to sleep. and managed to surf blogs and found this gem... posting it up because i feel that.. it is very meaningful.

hoping dad is happier wherever he is.


千の風になって



(translation)
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

*source: sharon

i seriously do not..

...need any more emails telling me i should increase my penis size or satisfy my girlfriend better in bed.

how do i let them know that i have no penis whatsoever, and i only need to know how to satisfy men in bed?

sigh. the sleeping schedule is pretty good, i think i have been getting a lot of sleep this week compared to last month, but i still dont feel like i'm recovering from my cough flu laryngitis watchamacallit.

and i really don't want to take another day's mc.

it sucks.

being sick sucks.

*roooooooooooooooooar..cough cough cough*

i survived the 14 hour flight back from london sitting in the cramped cramped seat. and a colleague with conjunctivitis paxed back together with me. but sadly i wasn't much of a companion to him because i promptly knocked out after 10 minutes of my ingestion of flu medicine.

apparently the tylenol did nothing to him and he suffered by watching 3 films and having his meals.

ok the voice is coming back, but i've been vice-free for 5 days in a roll. maybe i can quit my bad vices like smoking and drinking. then again. social drinking ain't really drinking right?

and then sheldy had to send me this link to bachelors on deal or no deal. you know what i say? sigh. no deal. apart from the chosen 2. the babes on deal or no deal are so much more lookable than the guys.

sigh. no more cute guys here in sunny singapore. i'm depressed. i need alcohol.

ok bye bye more sleep time.

2008 eh? i've been muted.

what a start to a brand new year.

and here i am in london, without my voice. literally. and i am down with flu. so it's aching bones and a freaking headache that wouldn't go away. and the voice didn't come back.

my body is breaking down majorly, in qian's words.

and so i can't go out and get the things i want or need to get. i succumbed to ordering room service in london. OH THE HORRORS. and it costs like.... near SGD450 to call a doctor here. i want to be a doctor in london.

i don't make any new year resolutions.

but i thought about it when i was waiting for the doctor to come... and i think this year i will get more sleep, i will get rid of this horrible temper i adopted in 2007, and not change away off days for flights anymore.

ok.

hmm. ya ok.

and now i sleep.