last day of 2006.... 2007 beckons!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUIS CHAN-MALI-CHAN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUMPING JOE! (sorry I can't make it to your bash tonight...)

And 2006 has come and.. well, almost gone. With tears, laughter, sadness, joy, loss, love... It might be the best and the worst year of my life, but I ain't keeping track. So this New Year's Eve is gonna be spent chilling out, and not jostling with the crowd (phew!) and somehow, I foresee mahjong on the cards.

James asked if I kept to my resolutions for 2006, and was really shocked when I told him I never had the habit of making (and keeping) resolutions. Yeah, I know myself just too well, why make a resolution when I know I can never keep one?

Anyway, yesterday I went with James to teach some children salsa after I touched down from flight. I don't really like children that much already, but this bunch of children were really amusing. I wish all children would be polite, obedient, and not snobbish brats. Oooh and we had this uniform party at Louis' place, where I wielded my whip to keep the students disciplined. *hiaK* I really didn't know what I felt last night. But it was good to drink again after such a long abstinence from alcohol.

Oooh, have I mentioned I so adore Take That? I loved them then and I love them more now. Yummy. Yeah I am a mushy boy band fan, can?!

Am I living in someone else's shadow?

Ah well. Gonna be away for a while from tomorrow onwards, so.... gonna miss you all so much, guys.

Anyway, anyhow, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

so here I am...

... waiting to head down for flight. I guess being stuck in the hotel room gave me ample time to think a lot about things, make decisions about certain things, and decide to do things that I always wanted to do but yet didn't dare to.

So yeah. I've decided to get a tattoo. Been surfing sites for some nice designs, and have yet to make up my mind about the design I want. Argh.

Feeling kinda bloated cos of breakfast and the silly drink I have to take. Eeurgh.

*****

An sms came in from Paul (oh it's been AGES since we met!!!), and it got me smiling for the longest time ever. "Hey you know what? It's just Christmas here but it's almost over at your side! Damn. I'm on top and you are below. DAMN. Sending you wishes and love from The Big Apple. And oh. Hope you find a man who's crazy about you this year. Luv luv luv, love is all around. kiss kiss hug hug smooch smooch."

Yeah, I just want a man who's craaaaaaaaaaaazzzy about me. just not someone crazy.

*****

Okay, time to go. Gotta put on my mask with that silly grin throughout the flight.

Love you all.

hokay! standby's over!

Hokie, my standby's officially over. Actually it was over probably 4 hours ago but I was busy chatting and surfing webs. And I have yet to step out of the room since I woke up, doubt I'll be doing that at all since it's already 10pm here.

Kinda disappointed they didn't call me up to work back today. ArGH! Ah well, tomorrow I'll be heading home... kinda dreading the flight, cos I didn't really enjoy my flight up. But what to do? Life goes on and sometimes it sucks. So there.

it probably was a good idea to have brought my iBook here, because I have been googling all the weird stuffs that I thought of. And somehow I feel smarter than ever. Call it delusion, but I think I am smart. hur hur hur.

I just hope I can get to sleep tonight.

Guys, meet up at the airport lah, so I don't have to take cab down to ulu Boon Lay.

*pouts*

i AM bored.. so...

... I googled for silly things.

Like "Is McDonald's or Burger King opened during Christmas in Auckland?"
"Where is the first place to welcome Christmas?"

I got no answer to the first question, but I found out Christmas Island is the first place on Earth to welcome Christmas, because their time zone is GMT +14. And because I thought Christmas Island was so named because of this, I googled the history. But I doubt, cos nothing was stated.

Aihz.

I love google.

I will be in the hotel room for the rest of the day (and it's only 10 am, dammit!) because 1) I am on standby, 2) NOTHING is freaking open!, I suspect more posts later.

Merry Christmas wherever you are.

merry christmas..!

Ho hO ho! It's Christmas here in Auckland! 5 hours ahead of Singapore, 12 hours ahead of Europe.

Ho Ho hO!

Merry Christmas to you, and you, and you, and me!

Hope Santa didn't get lost trying to find me in Auckland.

never really moved on...

He was online, and sent me this song. Saying it was apt for the 'both of us'.

He never realised I've long changed 'us' to 'you and I'.

But, yeah, this song could be apt for ... this predicament I'm in. For someone I know.

You don't get what I'm talking about, do you? It's just gibberish... I'm only talking to myself.

*****

Honey why you calling me so late?

It’s kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ’cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue

Well my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

~~~~Lips of an Angel - Hinder

I know it's gonna happen sooner or later, and I know it's gonna be inevitable, I know someday I've gotta make some kind of a decision if no one makes it... but I don't know if I'll end up the ultimate loser.

But probably I've always been one.

I'm just depressed and messed up inside.

Bang! Boom! Bish!

It is possible to feel lonely amidst a crowd, isn't it?

I never liked cold weather. It is one thing to feel attracted to the cold, lonely solitude and another to be shivering out in the cold. Rome is nice, but I probably spent more time in the hotel than I would have liked to, probably because I didn't have the urge to head out further. I don't know if it's because of the weather or because I just wanted to be around familiar people.

I've been feeling less than great these few days... Lots of thoughts running through my head.

And just today, I heard a piece of really unhappy news. Isn't it very shallow to be concerned with the superficial things... like looks, figure, and all... than to love someone for who she really is? I feel sorry for the guy who didn't see or love her the way we did. He missed out on a lot...

I'm just feeling out of sorts. Just.. like a plank of wood floating around aimlessly in the big ocean, just following where the current leads me to. Is my life going to be this way from now on? Should it be like that? In a way I am satisfied with not making any major plans regarding the path I should take, but yet in another way, I don't really fancy waking up in bed and wondering if there ever is a tomorrow in whatever I am in at this moment.

But life is only as simple, or as difficult, as we want it to be, is it not?

Why is it that...

... I can't help but feel affected by a lot of things.

Sometimes, a part of wished you'd never existed. But yet, I know you'll still be here for a long long time.

I've reached the stage (or probably age?) in my life where past demons haunt. And haunt. Relentlessly.

I miss being young. And I should keep reminding myself I'm only 24.

argh.

what gives?

yes, I am still breathing and alive...

I don't know what I've been busy with, falling asleep while watching DVDs or plain snacking out. But how lazy can I get? I'm pretty frustrated by the fact that I can't find the remote control... for my fan.

Yeah, my fan comes with a remote control. But I can't find it! It's such a chore having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go switch it off cos it's too cold. I'm thinking of stealing the one in my brother's room but it will start a war. Argh! How frustrating is that?

Just managed to catch up with a couple of friends these 2 days, and the news I've received were less than glad. While people are getting hitched and married and all, there are friends of mine who just left their relationships, or feeling far away from home.

I wished, at that moment, I could be more of a friend and be there for them at that time. And if I could afford both the time and money, I would have flown to where you are, to keep you company and assure you that everything is ok.

Sometimes I do feel helpless, I don't know what to say or what I can do to make you feel better, I just hope my being there on the other line can make you feel a lot better than you already are. *hugs*

I guess loving someone can sometimes take its toll. Two people can be so in love with each other, but yet if they aren't happy together, things won't work out right? Then it comes a decision to part or to stay on because of love. He once told me, love isn't everything, happiness is. I've long believed that it's true.

Anyway, I'm pretty hooked onto Prison Break, 24, and all. Damn. Suffering from withdrawal now.

aiyoH!

how much smaller can this world get?

My life is a living friendster network.

i am grateful...

... for people who love me as I am, fats and all.

Sometimes you don't realise it.. but words do hurt.

So this month is a good month for people to get married, give birth... To date, I've already got 3 bombs sitting on my desks. I wonder how it feels like to just take the plunge and then get hitched. That means you are stuck with that person for the rest of your life! Makes me wonder if I'll ever be ready to settle down with one special person. But it's too early to tell, I'm not thinking that way yet.

Time flies really fast. In a twinkling of an eye, it's already been one year into my current job. I wonder if I have changed much from the person I was before, and I wonder how life would be if I hadn't taken this path.

Had a brief chat online with Long-ge, and we talked about how we let time push the distance between us. Sometimes you just want to pick up the phone and call someone to just.. ask after him, but then you don't know where to start, or whether you can pick up from where you left off. And it becomes harder to update each other on our lives... and so we just deal with the same old answers when we're asked after.

Wouldn't it be great if .... there are patches for us to download so that we can update on one another's lives?

Couple of flights back, I met this Canadian couple who have been staying in Penang for quite a while. We chatted about how technology and the advances in transportation have made the world a lot smaller, and he told me about the ironies in all these. How he was uncontactable from the rest of the world due to the lack of internet in certain countries, and when he finally did get hold of a computer, he found that his mother had passed on. And when he wanted to book tickets over the phone, he was notified, by a recorded message no less, that the 24-hour phone service had been changed to being operated during office hours. So he went online to book, and found that the website was down due to heavy traffic. A tool created to convenience us, to shorten the time taken in the past, probably isn't such a good thing after all.

So why do we find it difficult to pick up the phone, even if you can't manage the courage to call, to draft out an sms to ask after someone? In this era where everyone, from young kids to even my grandma, owns a mobile, technology still fails to pull us closer to one another.

*****

We all seek to be accepted.... I may not be your perfect choice, but I probably will try to be as perfect as I can. I just want to find someone who can love this imperfect me in the most perfect way possible.

Is that difficult?

i amsterdam!

Just got back from Amsterdam this morning and after 2 hours of disturbed sleep, I decided to just forget about sleeping and watch TV.

Met up with Aleskander after I suddenly remembered that he was posted to Holland for work a couple of years back. Forced him to head out to Amsterdam and meet me. So we headed down to the Van Gogh Museum early in the morning, and spent a good 3 hours there.

It's amazing how Van Gogh depicts life in a way that others cannot fathom. Why did he see life in grey, despite painting in colours? What drove him to depression? Why does one get famous only after death? But I learnt a lot about the man himself, and many others who followed in his works. I must say, I am intrigued. To the extent that I am actually thinking of going to Arles or Auvers to take a look at where Van Gogh used to spend most of his life in.

Alesk was patient enough to sit out the whole Van Gogh 'discovery' journey with me, well... I didn't speak to him much during the time spent in the museum cos I was so engrossed in the audio guide that I had. Headed to the Albert Cuyp Market... lunched, walked abit before he had to head back to work. So I strolled alone, and walked, and got lost in the sights and the quaint little shops.. until I realised it was getting dark and I should head back to the hotel. I took out the map, looked at the streets and couldn't find the name on my map. Headed into the nearest shop, map in hand and asked the lady where I was. She took the map, stared at it for a good 5 minutes, turned it around, looked at me and said, "Miss, I think you're no longer on the map."

And then I backtracked, and at a junction, I stopped to take out my map again, this Dutch guy cycled up to me and asked, "Hey, do you know where you are?" I thought my knight in shining armour had arrived to send me back to the hotel, but not wanting to look weak, I answered brightly and confidently with a smile, "Yeah sure! Thanks!" ... and then he said, "Oh cool, because I don't know where I am and I'm trying to get to Lindchguacht." ... So much for chivalry. I gave him directions and went on my way.

Sometimes I enjoy long walks alone. Gives one enough time to think. Or too much time to think? I don't know. But it feels darn good to just enjoy the solitude, not having to bother about what to talk about, not having to entertain people when you don't feel like it, and just doing the things you want to and not follow what someone else wants to do.

Clears one's mind and soul.

puzzled.

Have you ever felt small in front of someone else? Like, by seeing a particular person you feel shaken, insecure, inferior and you lose your confidence? I don't know why, but sometimes I get that kinda feeling.

Today I bumped into someone, and for that brief moment, suddenly I felt unlike myself. I didn't know where to put my hand, should I stand or sit, is my hair in place, is my makeup alright... I became so conscious of myself.

Why am I feeling like that?

*****

Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through and

I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running

But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

Until the end, until this pool of blood
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of...

I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold

But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...

All we are, all we are
Is bullets I mean this
[x4]

As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun

And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever
~~~ Demolition Lovers, My Chemical Romance

yippee!

Yay! I'm up and running again! But it's been a full day of slacking at home to catch up on my appetite and sleep. And my, I have been eating a lot. ARgh.

All the crazy flying around without any off days has gotten to me. Now I crave for days off at home, and time to rest my mind, and catch up with friends... Just the other night I made a surprise attendance at McD's cos I knew Yan and Fat would be there studying. And although it was a short 'guest appearance' from me, I felt better after seeing them.

Anyway, I've decided to go back to dancing. Paul was online, and he influenced me by telling me how happy he is now in the School of Arts, Dancing in London. Bitch. So my feet are just aching to move and watching 'So You Think You Can Dance' didn't help ease that ache.

M was just telling me how two people can move on in life together, but at different speeds. What one party wants at that time might not be what the other wants, but by the time the other party wants the same thing, the first party would already be wanting another thing. Probably confusing, but absolutely true. But how do you find someone who wants the same thing as you do, at the exact same time? How do you find someone who walks totally in step with you, not a step too fast nor too slow... how do you feel in sync with that person?

Christmas is just one month away. I think as I grow older, the idea of Christmas just isn't that appealing anymore. But I would love for a traditional Christmas dinner, one round a big long table, with turkey, roast potatoes, stollen bread, Christmas pudding.... a feast. With friends, family, or ... well... but I don't even know where I'd be that day. And if I were away, would I feel lonely in this big, big world with people around me?

And do dreams signify anything at all? I wish I have someone who can decipher my dreams, and what they are trying to tell me. Hmmm.

On a separate issue, I just realised the new toothpaste that mum bought from Darlie...contains water from France.

high on drugs..

So how do we know if someone is the right one for us? How do we know if someone is worth all the effort, the pain and sacrifice(s)?

Ok, so I'm delirious from all the medication that I'm taking. Fever medicine, 2 tablets 4 times daily, pills for the nausea, 1 tablet 3 times daily, pills for the diarrhea, 1 pill 3 times daily, and pills for the giddiness, 2 tablets 3 times daily. And Gigi says I sound happier. Like, more normal and all. So what happens after I go off the medication?

Yeah, I was just talking to someone and probably it really is none of my business, but I got frustrated at the fact that he allowed her to twirl him around with her erratic emotions, and then it got me thinking... how much can you love and tolerate someone before you really call it quits? Or are some of us just addicted to... being tortured?

Then how does one really get rid of the past when it's ... wham-smacked right into your face? Hokay, getting rid isn't the right term, but how does one pick up and move on, move away from the past? Can we fit into the present when the other's past is lingering around? You know... you pack your stuffs, and then POOF! something from the past appears... your phone rings, then OOPS! his name appears on the screen. And then you start getting confused about what the other wants. So ya. Especially when one is high on medication, everything becomes kind of a blur.

Sigh. I'm deluded. Is there always someone you fall back on, someone you go back to after each failed relationship? So does that make the rest of us just.. passers-by in another person's life? I probably might have made an imprint in someone's life, but now that I've moved on, the only wish I have is not to be another person's passer-by. It's not that hard right? But apparently it is.

How do you know if you... really really really really like someone? And between the term "really really really really like" and love, how do you tell the friggin' difference? And how do you tell someone that you... really really really really like him?

"So... what? You're in a 'sort-of' relationship?"
"Sort of... yeah. Sort of."

argh.

I have no idea why, but whenever I get a long break from work, I fall sick. It's almost as if I'm not allowed to enjoy my off days. Argh. Ah well, I just got back from Zurich a couple of days back, and I had my cheeeeeeeese fondue! And Movenpick ice cream! Yum yum.

Okie. I'm feeling drowsy again, and I wanna shower but my muscles and bones are aching. I'm sick so I have the right to be lazy.

LEAVE ME ALONE. hur hur hur.

the evil side...

Ever had the temptation to do something really evil?

Like to do something that you obviously know it's wrong but yet you want to taste the danger?

Why is it always so tempting to taste the forbidden fruit? Why do we secretly seek to taste the fruit? Probably, for a brief moment, one feels wickedly glad to have done it, and then start to ponder about the consequences should the deed be found out.

But what if that person continues to feel wickedly glad? Without a tinge of regret?

I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start or what to say.

Are single women really a threat to attached/ married women?

Sigh, I'm so tired I'm not thinking clearly. My thoughts aren't strung up together, it's so random I have to use a butterfly net to catch it.

Quote of the night: "How many of us have great sex with someone whom we are ashamed to introduce our friends to?" ~ Sex & The City

copenhagen-dazs

hur hur hur. No, I doubt Haagen Dazs has anything to do with Copenhagen, but well, some photos!

We went to the Carlsberg brewery on the day we touched down, though it felt more like a museum. Nothing fantastic, apart from the drinking bit at the brewery. Hopefully the Heineken brewery in Amsterdam will not disappoint as mucH!

Then on the second day, we headed out after conning the lazy team girl and the first officer into cycling with us. Weather was good, although it felt cold certain parts of the day, but we made it around, until my ankle injury threatened to take the fun away.

Photos!







Ok, heading off to Osaka tonight! Katsu-don, here I come!

maxed out...

I really wish I can have more than 24 hours in a day... I want to spend a lot of time with someone, I want to spend a lot of time with friends, I want to spend a lot of time sleeping, I want to spend a lot of time... being alone.

At this time of the night, I know I should really be asleep, but I can't help but shed silent tears listening to songs. Songs which matter to me. Then I want to do so many things... But I have no energy to. How can one, when the number of hours she's slept in the week can be counted on both hands?

I'm maxed out. I know I am. I know I am.

help.

I still burn....

Happened to hear this song played over iTunes at a friend's house couple of days back, and for the next few days, the lyrics and tune got stuck in my head.

Very meaningful... and really relates to many people.

*****

I Still Burn - Tobias Regne

I can't say I feel alright
I can't say I'm sleeping through the night
I can't say I haven't thought about you .. about you
You have always had a way
of seeing through the crazy things I say
Like I'm better off without you ..
but without you the truth is

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood
I'm tired of living in a lie
I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts
Cause I still burn .. I still burn

I remember when the lights went out
And the world forgot to turn around
And everything was closing in on me .. on me
I swore that I would make it through
I wouldn't hit the ground because of you
That was a promise I couldn't keep
can't you see

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood
I'm tired of living in a lie
I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts
Cause I still burn .. I still burn

Cause I still burn

At the mention of your name
And the picture of your face
the heat I can't escape

I still burn like the sun
raging fire in my blood

I still crash at the thought
that I used to be the beat of your heart
Oh Baby it hurts

Oh baby it hurts
Cause I still burn
I burn
Cause I still burn

liars.

I dislike liars and I hate it if anyone lies to me. Hide the truth all you want, but sometimes, I know things that you didn't realise.

And it hurts to know that you have to lie to me. Me.

What happened to trust and faith? Yes we all lie to cover our tracks, so that someone else wouldn't be hurt from the truth. But sometimes you don't realise that the someone you're trying to 'protect' knows what is truth and what's not.

darkroom

There's something fascinating and hypnotising about photo developing - no, I don't mean sending your digital photos or film to developing shops - I learnt last night. The precision... getting the negative in the enlarger on the photo paper, the length of time to expose the image to the paper... the length of time to leave the photo paper in the developing chemical, then stop bath, then fixer... The extra caution to make sure that no sliver of light is present, even the green beep of the working air conditioner is not permitted. Working in the dark, you feel your way through... any carelessness will cost a good print.

Then you see the image appear on the photo paper as it is soaked in the developing chemical. And I wonder how... and why... this process is able to take place. It is fascinating, and the first image which appeared, though only a test strip, left me breathless for a while.

A photographer begins with the end in mind - he must know what he wants to see in print when he is taking the photo. Because, if that moment is not captured, it will be gone forever. Especially with film... Then comes the ardious task of developing the negatives, the contact sheets, and then the photos. I guess the thing with prints is, if you aren't satisfied with one, you can print another, and another, and another, until you get the perfect print, and that is.. before your patience runs out.

Does this apply to relationships or life in general? I wonder. Probably at times we do have the end in mind... most of us seek a 'perfect' or near-perfect ending... and then the ardious task of keeping a relationship alive, keeping a passion going. But the thing is, how many times can we try and try again before we get the perfect 'print', or before we run out of patience and give up on everything?

Then the fear of the photo not developing well, the fear that you lost that special moment.

The fear of... feeling fucked up. That you lost it. That you no longer are as good as before, as polished as before.

Argh.

I just hope that... words said to me, actions towards me, are genuine and nothing else. I wouldn't want to be made second fiddle to anything.

In the end, I think I can't take that leap off the cliff and not worry about where I land. I think I will be standing on the edge for a very, very, very long time.

Heading out for a very late dinner with the very nice gentleman J who forced me to go out cos he heard I was hungry, and later off to drinks.

Gotta digest my thoughts.

Guys, I miss all of you. :(

hazy haze haze hazy

I think the haze is finally getting to me. I stared out the window during take off and was taken aback at how bad the haze was. I could see nothing... save for the little lights at the jetty, even during the early evening. Honestly, it's irritating the hell out of me. Damn I can't even remember how our country looked like when it was CLEAR.

I was talking to mum about my uncles and all, and I feel that my family is pretty... dysfunctional. Weirdly, I like it. I have no idea why, but probably I find it more interesting that way. More things to bitch about. Hhaahaha.

Off to Copenhagen tonight, cycling cycling cycling.

Adios!

yippee!!!

So because I don't have any clear days off in between flights, I can't operate Melbourne. Which, I don't really mind anyway, because I woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed.

And then headed out to do some grocery shopping and back home to cook.

Now my eyes are threatening to close on me.

Okaaaayyyyy... before I fall asleep.. more pictures from the trip!


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

noooooooo space to breathe.

Okie, I got back from a second trip to Cape Town, and this time round, we rented cars to go around the area. Had a lot of fun, wined and dined HEAVILY, and at the end of it, I'm sunburnt!

Managed to get the cars at the very very last minute! Headed out in 2 cars, with the tech crew as well, and we went to Cape Point & Cape of Good Hope first. En route, we had a heavy breakfast, and couple of us were almost blown off by the wind. The winds were strong, and even the locals said that it was pretty unusual to have that kind of weather. Even I lost my footing. SURPRISINGLY.

Ok photos!



Captain Loh said that when the head of a lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) changes colour, it means that it is ready for mating. And so we spotted this horny lizard/ chameleon (whatever you call it) on our way to the southern-most point of Cape Point.

I satisfied my craving for ice cream, cheesecake (but it wasn't nice), and popcorn. The popcorn was a surprise though. Hur hur hur. And then lots of cheap South African wines. Cheap and nice.

And.. Paris was good. I know Paris was a good long time ago flight but I haven't really had time to look through the photos.



Ok, I know this post is rather.. 'wham bam, thank you ma'am', a quickie at most, cos I am very tired, and I think I did something silly by changing all my off days for flights.

So I might most likely be operating to Melbourne tonight, and after I'm back, the next day to Copenhagen, and after I'm back, the next day Saigon turnaround, then Jakarta turn, and finally a Perth flight, all without any off days.

Yeah. My super long linked flight. This is the first time, and I guess most likely (hopefully) the last time I'll ever do such a thing to destroy my body clock. Hopefully after everything's settled at home I won't have to pull such stunts.

In fact, I was hoping very much to spend a good day just lounging around, watching movies and ... doing nothing at all.

Argh.

schming! schming!

I am tired. But I don't know if I am emotionally or physically tired. It has come to a point where I can't differentiate between the exhaustion of the soul or the body. Warped as it sounds, pushing myself to the max gives me an exhilaration I can't fathom. Why?

Sometimes I do yearn... for something I think I might never allow to happen.

Anyway, something creepy happened while I was sleeping in the hotel room last night, and I decided not to sleep cos I was more irritated than frightened. Stayed up and watched TV the whole night.

Jacky told me something which got me laughing for a good 5 min. He said that planes are not recommended to fly past the North Pole, because the penguins will get intoxicated while staring at the aeroplanes fly over their heads and topple backwards. Actually, I didn't know it was true. I thought he was pulling my leg. Well, I googled it. And it appears to be just a chain letter. The penguins, apparently, think the planes are their mothers (why?!) and so stare at them with love and devotion until they eventually topple over. This is the most hilarious piece of news I've ever heard, and BBC has proven it to be a myth. here!

Then we saw the trailer of Hoodwinked on tv, and we really laughed till our sides hurt. Go watch.

As for the blog title, don't bother trying to figure out what it is. I have no idea what to put as the title so I just typed whatever came into my mind. heh heh. This is what pure exhaustion does to people.

haiyah!

Just when I thought we're over the housing episode, another episode furls in. And it's money-related again.

Money is the epitome of all evil. Whoever said that must have loved money till he hated it. And probably died hating it.

And I guess they always come to me because I seem like a pushover. I probably am, because relations matter to me more than money.

But I have no means to. And I hate how things are going within the family.

I am hoping for another miracle. Please please please.

One of the moments I yearn to seek refuge in someone stronger.

wait... waiting.... waited.

Back from Paris... I didn't want to leave. I love France, Lyon and all, and I probably would want to travel down south France and take a look. A break, that's what I need.

I know I don't open up easily, and I don't usually say what's in my mind. But I hate it that when I try to, my words are... disregarded, or unacknowledged. And the topic conveniently shifts to something else, leaving me hanging by the end of my thread, wondering if I should have ever said that. Or if my words ever meant something or made any difference. What's the point of me shooting out what's in my head to someone then? It's never gonna matter anyway. Oh, and it makes me feel silly for even wanting to say what is in my mind.

I enjoyed my time in Paris, probably for the solitude and the time spent alone in a foreign land. Been thinking... and thinking. Ever wanted something so much, then suddenly realising you somehow don't want it that much already? Like, you're just waiting to be on your way out.

Probably what J said was right, no one likes to play second fiddle to anything. But in this predicament, I wonder why it seems like I have no say in anything.

Maybe things will work themselves out in time. But would I be too jaded by then? Because, it's starting to lose meaning to me.

Maybe because I'm detaching myself from feeling so much, from feeling too much. My self-protect mechanism. When two parties wait too long and nothing happens, shouldn't someone move on?

The flames burn and sizzle, then slowly flicker away.

Doesn't it?

And when someone causes you more heartbreaks than expected, does that mean that someone means a lot to you? Why?

Probably being in Paris, city of love and romance, took me away from the reality that I have to face back home. Now you know why I never wanted to leave. I miss being away.

torn

I am trying not to care so much, not to bother so much. I just wanna be indifferent to everything that's related. But deep down inside I can't.

And it's tearing me apart.

paris romantique...

il fait beau...

In Paris now, using the complimentary internet in the room. Will be heading out later, going to take a walk by myself back to where I was many years back. Welcoming the solitude though, probably need to sort out some overdue thoughts.

Met a few nice passengers on board and spoke to them for quite a bit. Nous pouvons vous apporter autour! (We can bring you around!) Friendly gesture, but probably not. Because I don't know when my French will give up on me. But it is cold. Brrrrr... and I am yearning for ice cream.

Thought... a lot. And, it has reached a point where I no longer am in control. I feel very exposed, very vulnerable. Do I hate that feeling? I don't know. It feels warped that I welcome that feeling again somehow, but then again, a large part of me screams something else. Probably the overdue wait is taking its toll. And I wonder why I allow it to drag, why I can't just go. Maybe I should. But do I want to? I hate feeling so affected by certain things, certain words, certain actions.

I'm contradicting myself. As always. So what do I want? I know what I want but I don't have the courage to pursue it. SO what gives?

ARGH. Fuck lah. I wish things could be simpler and easier.

Will be meeting Francis tomorrow evening (see, I blog about you too!), supposed to meet his friends (new men new men!) but he wanted a trade-off, so we decided on a one-to-one date. hur hur hur. Hope I don't get lost in this mad mad metro system.

Au revoiR!

the misadventures of charcoal

*Woof!*

Today I ran away from home for a good 2 minutes, and made mummy worried. Jenn che-che was taking a shower and I was bored cos no one wanted to play with me. I hopped on the chair near the window and saw daddy coming back. So I ran to the door and waited for mummy to open the door.

Daddy came out of the lift and I ran to lick him. Then I saw the lift door closing, and I thought I would try to go downstairs for a walk myself. So I took the lift all the way downstairs myself! *beams*

I came out of the lift, and made my mark near the pillar. Where's mummy?? Where's che-che?? I panicked a little, but decided to stay at the carpark lot and wait for help. Oooh.. I spot little kids nearby. I wanna run up to them and scare them abit. But where's mummy?

OH! There's mummy!!! *lick lick lick*

Ok that marks the end of my adventure.

*Woof!*

::expired::

Why is it that sometimes we yearn to get the things we want, and then when we finally get it, we either no longer treasure it, or.... no longer want it.

Is it because the wait is just too long? Probably we all need time to find the reasons to our actions, the answers to our questions. But it probably is never a priority to some, and so things drag. And then one party gets tired of waiting, wishes to move on, yet can't find the strength to. Why? Maybe afraid of what might be lost if they should give up the wait.

I don't like expiry dates. I sometimes hate the fact that when I try to plan things, I would think "Would things be like this till then?"... I hate expiry dates.

Maybe I should clear out my fridge.

*****

Val sent me this song which I really like, and, I teared after reading the lyrics. WHAT'S UP WITH ME! Why am I turning into a soppy sponge?

Lea:
Be still my heart
Lately its mind is on it's own
It would go far and wide
Just to be near you

Brad:
Even the stars
Shine a bit bright I've noticed
When you're close to me

Lea:
Still it remains a mystery

Chorus (Both):
Anyone who's seen us
Knows what's going on between us
It doesn't take a genius
To read between the lines Brad: ohh
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Lea:
I ask myself why
I sleep like a baby through the night
Maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

Brad: Lea:
Don't open my eyes Ohhh
I'll wake from the spell I'm under
Makes me wonder how Tell me how
I could live without you now

Both:
And what about the laughter
The happy ever after
Like voices of sweet angels
Calling out our names
And it's not just wishful thinking
Or only me who's dreaming
I know what these are symptoms of
We could be in love

Brad:
All my life
I have dreamed of this
But I could not see your face

Lea:
Don't ask why two such distant stars
Can fall right into place

(Repeat Chorus)

Both:
Oh, it doesn't take a genius
To know what these are symptoms of
We could be Lea: ohh
We could be, we could be in love

Brad:
Could be in

Both:
We could be in love
~ We Could Be In Love, Lea Salonga & Brad Kane

one night in beijing...

I'm on leave I'm on leave I'm on leave!!!!

Though it's only till next Tuesday, but I'm on leave! No holiday plans, no late night parties... just rejuvenating and probably catching up on sleep. Spending more time with grandma too. :)

*****

Flight up to Beijing was good. Load was light and I had time to strike up conversations with passengers. Met this passenger on board who claimed to have flown on my flight before, to which I think I somewhat have some recollection, but then again, we all look the same in our uniform and makeup.

Was probably in hyper mode due to the lack of sleep (I almost couldn't make it in time for flight), I was jumpy and chatting a lot with the girls on board.

When I touched down in Beijing, first sms was: "reached beijing already? Do take care..." :)

So spent the whole time in the hotel room, ventured out a little to look for food. I was so hungry during lunch, and had a craving for xiao long bao in the afternoon. Stopped at this stall, almost bought my food, when I happened to glance at the menu outside the stall next to it, and it showed "Dead Cat's Ears" (in Chinese). I lost my appetite almost immediately and went back to the hotel distraught.

Then I came home, related the story to mum, and she told me it was another name for "mee hun kuay"... u know, those flat noodls that are triangular shaped. WHATEVER. In China, you get any kind of "delicacy".

*****

Little Miss Sunshine was good. I loved the show, and it was weirdly touching and sweet. I couldn't help but shed tears near the end of the show.

*****

Tired, but I'm gonna force myself to head out to the gym.

I think one day, my eyebags will be big enough to keep the bread rolls on board. One on each side.

*muakz*

xoxo,
jenn

::shagedalic::

So the pictures in my previous post made almost everyone want to go Cape Town. I suppose it'd be a good place to go and unwind, free yourself from woes. But.. go when it's not so cold ok? Brrrrrrrr...

*****

Got back from Sydney last night, and later I'm off to Beijing. This would be the last lap of standby patterns for now. I was soooooooooo tired from the flight I contemplated sleeping in my uniform, then just wake up and go on flight later. hur hur hur.

Seriously stoned. Met up with Sel after I checked in for a chat and drinks (he was the one drinking) till into the late late night. Then packed up and all before I crashed into bed. Jacky gave me a wake-up call for breakfast and I thought I was late, so prepared in a rush and ended up one hour early. So I had honeyed cereals with him in the room and chatted over breakfast.

I love team flights cos I can be really crazy on board and feel really happy. Was in hyper-drive mode on board cos I was really tired. Almost spaced out during meal service, but I guess I was already in auto mode.

I like sweet little gestures, like dragging my cabin bag for me even when I don't need the help, calling to check whether I'm back in the room, making sure I don't end up hungry, taking time to listen to me complain about life and all... even as a friend. Makes me feel comforted to have a friend care for me like that.

And then from faraway... messages to show that I'm constantly missed always bring smiles to my face.

*****

We've taken to putting a chair near the window for Charcoal. Whenever he hears something downstairs, he'd run up the chair and stare out the window. Otherwise when he's bored, he'll be up on the chair, standing on his hind legs and then looking on as the world goes by. Or so I think.

*****

OK. I'm seriously sleepy and I think I'm gonna crash again before I head out for work.

.:somebody:.

Got back from our once-in-a-blue-moon gathering at Ivy's place. I always feel safe when I'm with the guys (ivy included). It's like.. they are the ones who know me best, accepts me for who I am and are always there for me. So over steamboat we were bickering and the usual vegetarian-but-not-buddhist-cos-he-became-vegetarian-out-of-choice chattered the whole night away just because he had nothing to eat on the steamboat table. First time we had a full turn-out for makan, they say. I wish we can have such gatherings more often.

*****

"Eh, I wanna be xiao nu ren sometimes leh. I wanna hide in my nan ren's shadow and bask him with my love and care and all. Then when he needs me to be strong I will be his pillar of support, let him crumble into my arms and tell him that everything will be ok, then help him be strong again. Very difficult meh?"

"You were like that when u were with him wat, just find someone u love can liao."

"U think that easy ah!"

*****

I'm confused with many many things. Words, actions and all. Suddenly someone who disappeared for a while pops out of nowhere and makes me more puzzled with many things.

I'm confusing everyone, cos everyone's confusing me!

ARGH!

*****

To Sydney tomorrow, and after I'm back on Monday, it's crazy flight schedule from Tuesday onwards. Planning to go somewhere when I'm on leave from 30th, but grandma's gotta go for cataract operation. Holiday plans have to wait.

*****

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
~ Somebody, Depeche Mode

:: cape town ::

Cape Town is captivating... Every view is a picturesque moment, and I drained my camera battery dry taking photos there.

We didn't go out in Johannesburg, cos it was only a short stay there. Wanted to head down to Robben Island, where Nelson Mendela was imprisoned, but didn't manage to get the tickets in time. *sigh* But it was clear blue skies all the way, and of course, chilly chilly strong winds.



We went up Table Mountain because the weather permitted, and the cable ride up was fascinating. Once atop the mountain, I headed straight for the cafeteria for hot chocolate cos it was SO COLD! I had frost bite. Sob. But the scenery was breathtaking. I love it. It was a little cloudy, but still we could see the whole of Cape Town.



And because it was the mating season for the whales, we headed out to sea, hoping to catch them in action. But probably they shied away from us, because all we saw were seals, and seals, and seals, and seals, and seals! Boat ride out was bumpy cos of choppy waters, but I enjoyed every moment of it. Some of the seals were daring enough to swim up to us and play around in the waters, "posing" for pictures and all, but no whales.



Lunch was at this restaurant near the jetty. Seafood is cheap here, and lunch cost us less than S$7 per person. Fish and Chips! Delicioussssssss. Love it. Stupid Michael and Melvin started feeding the seagulls and they all strayed near our tables for food. Argh. I was stressed out. VERY.



The lady at the vineyard told us the different characteristics of the wines we tasted. I thought I liked South African wines, but this trip to the vineyard kinda pushed my tastebuds to the dark side. Probably the wines were too young for my liking. The Muscat was SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Sickeningly sweet. Painfully sweet. I don't understand how I can love desserts but hate dessert wines. Out at the vineyards it was peaceful and quiet, but we weren't shown around the vineyards. Sigh.

Cape Town is surrounded by the sea, so we were staring out the window, hoping to catch a view of the whales in the ocean. We did sight some, but it was too far away. Argh. The penguins were.... silly. They ran into the crooks of the rocks when they saw us, save for a few brave souls, then when the tide came in they ran out disoriented. The few brave ones strutted their stuffs and posed for pictures. Probably used to tourists in that area. I kinda got too close to a couple of penguins guarding their eggs, and the male one almost snapped off my fingers. *gulp*

Oh, and I didn't manage to capture this on camera, but there was a sign: "Please look out for penguins under your vehicle before you run off."



Lastly, Cape Point and Cape of Good Hope. In the past, trading ships passed throug Cape of Good Hope before they headed to places like Europe, before the Suisse Canal was open. Cape Point is where the Indian Ocean meets the Atlantic Ocean, and it's the southern-most tip of the South African continent. We climbed up all the way to the top, braving the cold and the thin air, and... well.. again, the amazing view. Took a break before we headed down, and by the time we reached the bus, the shops were closed and I couldn't get my ice cream.

Flight back was... rather challenging. But I met a lot of nice passengers, had the chance to really chat with them and listen to their stories... and having them come up all the way to find me before they leave the plane to give me a hug and some words of encouragement really made my day. As tired as I was, I wished all flights could be like this, leaving me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.

*****

Finally understood why dad did what he did after a long chat. Probably things will turn out better now that everything's pretty much in the works. I just want my family to be happy.

i hate being me...

*edit: post deleted. I've thought about it and I guess I'll just have to follow whatever decision is made. I was just being whiney.*

Tonight I'll be heading for Johannesburg and Cape Town. A good break from home, away from the unhappiness that's been hanging up in the air for these couple of months.

Cheerful songs and movies seem to have no effect on me at the moment. But I'll be fine when I get back I suppose.

Bye all.

Nu flava of da weeeeeeeeeek.

Found this song and I kinda like it...

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I’m yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I’m saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family)
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won’t hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved, I’m sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

No I won’t hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours, I’m yours

Am I? Do-do-do-do-doooo...

::frankfurters and frankfurt::

Ok... Now I'm in the crew lounge waiting to go for some kind of drinking session. Frankfurt's nice, but a tad boring for me. Probably cos I am down with flu and so confined myself in my room when the girls went out clubbing.

Ah well. Hope the flu gets well. I don't like it that my voice sounds nasal and my sentences are punctuated with coughs.

Heard some lovely news from Qian and am glad things are going her way for once. Come home quick come home quick!

Watched 'Take the Lead' last night in the confines of my room, and ended up feeling really upset not cos of the show, but of my desire to go back to dance. I so love doing the tango... it's like.. sex on the dance floor. The man leads, the woman follows, as in all dances. But the display of fiery love and passion... the response to a man's lead... that intense grasp of the body, that sharp turn as the man twirls the lady.. that heightened feeling of feeling wanted... sigh. Can someone get an orgasm on the dance floor?

I so desperately want to go back to dancing. And I know I should do something about it instead of whining and all, but the only way I see is to hire private coaching, and that needs a lot of moolah. Sigh.

*****

Much as I don't want to ever get hurt again, I still yearn to fall in love madly, like throw myself off a cliff and not bother about where I land. I crave for a kind of love where there isn't any expiry date set, something which I don't even think about the end yet or at all, if I can afford it.

But I know that I don't have the luxury of such relationships, and my reason for being there and then not is because I want to.. be able to leave easily when it ends. Like.. just stand up and go. They always say, the person who cares less in a relationship is the more powerful one.. isn't it so true? But to limit myself from feeling, from caring like I always do, it's almost as if I am stopping myself from being me. Yet if I want to be me, will I be putting pressure on someone else, will I be smothering him with me?

Sigh. I don't even know what I'm babbling about and I'm not even drunk yet.

lazy saturday afternoon...

Today was spent pretty much lazing around. But it was good... Had pasta cooked for me in the afternoon, and when I got home, I was pretty famished, so I cooked meself grilled kebabs from the leftover chicken from dinner. Now feeling.. rather bloated.

So I got called up for Frankfurt tomorrow evening, disrupting my Beijing and Karachi flights. Not that I'm complaining though. It's a great great surprise. Hur hur hur.

But I'm nursing this teeny bit of cold I got from London. *cough cough* I so wanna be taken care of. I wanna lie in bed and have people fuss over me. I wanna whine and whine and whine about feeling unwell.

*****

So we decided to talk about deep stuffs after nights of mindless chats whining about our figures and men due to boredom over MSN.

Since young, I've always dreamt about being in theatre, dance and the arts... then as I grew older, being a hotelier seemed a nice choice too. I wanted to be someone in charge, to be smart and all. Sadly, now all that's driving me forward is money. Am I being practical or materialistic?

Honestly, I do wish that I have the courage to take the plunge and head straight into doing dance and performing arts. Then I think about how my life will be hanging on a thread, wondering when the next paycheck will come, wondering if I'll ever have enough to support the family and I think twice about that decision. Dreams can never keep our tummies filled. Sad ya? That my life is now driven by money. Money money money.

And in front of my family I have to pretend that I am enjoying every single minute of my life now. Not that I don't enjoy flying, but there are times I do feel rather... lonely. I do feel that I can survive pretty much alone, but there are times you do yearn for some kind of constant friendship when you're abroad. Well, I make friends easily, and after flights some of us still keep in contact... even becoming close friends. Thing is, on flights, sometimes you just want to have someone familiar to talk to, to share your craziness and all. Especially when you're feeling down. That's why I enjoy team flights sometimes.

Then again, sometimes I treasure time alone. I enjoy walking down streets alone, sitting alone and watching the world go by...

HAIYAH. I'm just warped lah.

*****

I wanna spend more time with Charcoal. I wanna hug him to bed, I want to feel him cuddle up on my lap as I watch tv.

*****

Been trying to make small changes in my life. Like learning to appreciate coffee more. Drinking it BLACK and praying hard I don't head for the loo the next couple of hours. Like getting my life back to what it was. Like wearing my heart on my sleeve, diving straight into something scary, unknown, and taking a risk at it, even if it heads nowhere in the end. Like cooking more often for the family.

Suddenly I miss grandma. Prob will go visit her before I leave for Frankfurt tomorrow evening.

*****

The sign for the enbloc sale is up at the gate today. I feel rather threatened by that huge sign, and I dread to think about how I have to cope with the financial responsibilities soon. Sadly, due to some family situation at home, the money from the sale will never reach my pocket. So the bulk of the responsibility falls on me. Soon we'll have to find a place to shift to before we are "evicted".

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
~ Tears and Rain, James Blunt

a foggy day... in london town....

Back from London! Finally a different pattern from the ones I always seem to get. I had a great time there, sitting on the grass in the parks, eating sandwiches, salads, fish and chips.. just lazing around. I brought my blades there as well, and did a 15 min blading session before I decided to stop. I was afraid of landing on my bum and having everyone laugh at me.

So I took a long stroll from Hyde Park all the way to Kensington, basking in the warm sunlight and the cool breeze. Had this weirdo follow me on a bike and then circling around me, until I gave him the "OH FUCK OFF" face and then he scooted off.

I am happy. Like blissfully happy, even though it's temporary.

I don't know what or how I should be feeling... but well... live for the moment.

Gonna take a nap.

Yawnz.

oopsy daisy...

After some confusion, Qian and I realised we are never going to meet up in London after all. Guess we were too excited and got the dates wrong. Sigh.

Met the PT-bf for lunch, and a little shopping spree today. Are you really happy? mean... you seem to be and yet not. he asked over lunch. I shrugged. Haha, probably it's this "mysterious" side of you, that makes people want to know you and protect you more. Probably I'm not entitled to thinking too much about what I'm in? I offered an answer in vain.

I guess I choose not to think about certain things.. so that at least I might be happier for that short while.

Till it sizzles out I guess.

Oh, and I bought my blades! Yes, I know I shouldn't indulge... but I haven't bought any major purchases for myself for a while! ...i think. Lugging the pair to London so I can blade in Kensington Park.

Looking back, I really haven't been thinking much about things. Running away? Probably so. It's easier to handle when you don't have to face up to it. Am I a coward? I don't think so... I run away because I have no right to feel anything anymore. If only I could gather the strength to move on, to move ahead, to move out... I might probably be happier, but then again not.

So many unknowns out there for me to uncover.

Oh oh~ And my cable TV died on me. It gave out a POP sound when I switched it on and is in RIP mode. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. Hands are shaky, palms sweaty, heart palpitating. I... need.... HBO.. NatGeo... Travel & Living... hellppppp....

*yawn*

Bread pudding! Yesterday was a rushed affair for me. Had to do some grocery shopping last minute, and come home to prepare dinner for family. So decided to make bread pudding as dessert with the leftover bread. I love the sweet sauce I made the last time round, but it was only enough for 2 servings of the pudding. Then it was the chicken wraps which mum loves, and I was out again.

Red wine helps me sleep well. Should I indulge in a couple of glasses every night?

I'm kinda back into the "oh-i-so-wanna-cook-or-bake" phase. Been missing cooking and all. Macaroni and cheese today. The guys loved it. Probably when i come back from London I should get my ass down to cooking more for the family.

*****

Dubai was hot. Hot. Had the luxury of being a passenger on the way up, but I slept halfway through Nacho Libre cos I was just too tired. Refused both meals and reached the hotel feeling famished.

Sometimes I really wonder what it is with men. My ass got touched at the airport, and I was followed by 2 men from inside the hypermarket, all the way back to the hotel. Was a good thing I bumped into some of the crew on the way back.

And then back in Singapore... I HATE IT whenever I'm in the car waiting for the lights to turn green and men in the next car/van/truck/whatever stare in. Or when I am walking down an aisle, some backalley and they stare. Or when I am walking down the road and guys horn, slow down, whatever. I have a good mind to show them my long middle finger. bastards. One day... ONE DAY i will throw my shoes at them.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

*****

I am supposed to go do some shopping today... but... since 11am I've been stuck in bed and surfing the net.

OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK time to go.

i should....

... be sleeping now but still I can't seem to doze off.

Feeling rather lethargic throughout the day, but yet didn't feel like sleeping. Now my eyelids are heavy, yet when I close my eyes I just feel restless.

This is so not helping my health and all.

Been feeling rather happy lately, but wonder how long this "temporary" happiness will last.

*****

My 'part-time boyfriend' is finally back from the States after 1.5 years of studying.

I like how you look when you're dressed down. I like it that you seem to be 2 different persons, yet with the same personality. he said, when I met him earlier in the day. I asked why. You look like the simple, sweet girl, the chummy gal pal, the guys' buddy whenever you're dressed down, and the sexy, attractive lady whenever you're dressed up to the nines. Aiyah. The same old you lah.

Thanks dear. It's good to hear from someone that I'm still the same old me.

*****

Oh no Oh no Oh no.

Need to wake up at...7 am? and it's already... 4.30am!

Shucks.

Sleep. sleep sleep sleep.

I shall count sheep. Or think of bubble words.

kisses.

I love kissing.



I love kisses. Stolen kisses, shared kisses, passionate kisses, surprise kisses. Kisses on the cheek, kisses on the forehead, kisses on the lips, kisses at the neck.






I love welcome kisses, goodbye kisses. I love kisses at the door, kisses behind doors, kisses in the car, kisses in the lift, kisses in the bed, kisses in the shower. Kisses with eyes closed, kisses with longing looks, kisses with cheeky faces.





I love long kisses, short pecks, happy kisses, teary kisses. Holding hands while kissing, hugging tightly while kissing, laughing madly while kissing, crying sadly while kissing. Drunken kisses, sober kisses. Joyful kisses, sorrowful kisses.






Give me a kisse, and to that kisse a score;
Then to that twenty, adde a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred; so kisse on,
To make that thousand up a million;
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kisse afresh, as when we first begun.
~ Robert Herrick

last minute ramblings...

Another 15 minutes or so before I head out for work.

Flight on Thursday was... amusing. Didn't know men could be THAT shy. But it was a very surprising coincidence to meet him on board.

Met up with the teamies for a 'wild' BBQ gathering and lots of drinking, with someone ending up being thrown into the pool amidst wild cheers.

Then it was back to the apartment for more drinking, and more drinking and more drinking. I managed to reach home safely with that amount of alcohol in my blood, with a friend on the phone and singing together (he on the phone) at the top of our lungs along ECP.

Crashed for a couple of hours before I headed out to meet Qian in the morning, where good news was 'conceived' and then to Hog's Breath @ Chjimes for lunch... And we wonder how one year flew past so fast. Where did that one year go to?

We mused about the men, rather the lack of, in our lives, and how we are usually hung up about men we can't get. Does this make life interesting? No one knows. But I guess we don't deal well with a life that is smooth sailing all the way. The ups and downs (I mean REALLY REALLY DOWN) make life interesting, no?

Haven't slept since the nap in the afternoon, should have gone Womad with the lady, or drinking with Jacob. Damn. So it was a last minute decision with Joe for supper at Orchard and then home to prepare for flight. Kinda looking forward to Tuesday, where I will be away from home for a longer time. Flights these 2 weeks are rather lousy. I need to be away.

Hookay. Time to hit the road.

UrgH!

I really don't understand why some men appear to be more interested in some kind of a pursuit after they know what line I'm in. Which explains why I never really liked telling people where I am working now.

Shallow hallow.

*****

On another note... I'm never your number one choice.

dejected.

Sentosa!

Taa daaaaaaa!

I'm a teeeeeny weeeeeeeeny bit tanned, and I like it! Just that my chest area and back area are.. itchy because of the burn. heh heh.


I forgot to bring a big towel for the beach. So I put out the small towel and Gigi mocked at my stupidity. After which, I couldn't take it and went to the tourist shop and got a blardi overpriced PINK bubble mat. But it's cooling and nice so I don't mind. And it shakes sand off easier than with a towel.


Saw this really adorable kid who he kept smiling at me, but turned the other way whenever I put up my camera to take a picture of him. Well, helps that the father is rather cute. Little boy is called Phoenix. He smiled shyly, then giggled, then laughed, then I took my camera and he turned the other way. bleah. I like it when kids are obedient and polite and shy.


While waiting for Gigi, I saw this man playing with his daughters, and then one of them hugged his leg, demanding to be carried. Then the other, not wanting to be left out, tugged at his berms, and he bent down to carry her as well. I want to find a man who's sweet enough to spend time with the family, to take care of the children, and be strong enough to lift them both. hur hur hur. What am I thinking about?!



Okie, so I don't exactly have a good figure, but well, Gigi is very well endowed so I hope that makes up for my lack of ... you know what.

K i'm pretty shagged still from this morning. Gotta go crash a little.

xoxo,
jenn

::sentosa::

Headed down to Sentosa with the boobalicious Gigi today, and had a bit of time to think things through. And being the forgetful me, I applied sunblock generously everywhere... except on my chest area. And. I am burnt.

Well, what can I really say or do? :)

More pictures when... GIGI SENDS THEM TO ME!

*ROOOOOOOOOARRRRRR*

::another story::

An unexpected phone call came in the wee hours of the morning, and somehow that call made me really happy even though I was woken up. :)

*****

So I went on flight, and the Boss remembered me.

"Eh you look familiar. OH! You are the silly girl I flew with to Seoul!"

Why am I always the "silly" one?

*****



Attended Common.Voices' 2nd performance last evening, and I only managed to hit the second half with 4 songs to go. I guess CV's concert is the only valid reason for all of us (including people who always fly aeroplane) to meet up. I guess it's not easy to maintain any kind of relationships, friendship included, and to be friends for... say... almost 12 years since secondary school... it's really something, eh?



Then again, some of us, even when we've been missing from one another's lives, can still hit off like old pals. It's amazing how some of us have changed, and even more amazing how some people don't change at all! Honestly, I miss being in secondary school, the dozing off in Bio lessons, Chilli and I scribbling songs on MY TABLE, hiding textbooks in the most creative way possible, running up and down to borrow textbooks... the memories are still vivid in my mind.

Then we talk about friends getting married. Marriage seemed a faraway thing in the past, but now, everyone is getting hitched. Even those whom we never thought would settle down have already settled down.



So we are the primary school mates. I guess we only knew one another in Primary 3 or 4, so that made us.... friends for almost 15 years! Then Ivy wanted to take a picture of her "Shuqun-ers" but I refused to let her use my camera. ANYWAY there are only 4 of you. I can be such a bitch. Hur hur hur.



We adjourned to my place after supper, a last minute decision which forced us to head back to Holland Village to get some wine and cheese JUST BECAUSE the lady driver (Ivy, not me) said so. And the normal thing: fussing over Charcoal when we reached. Wine, Ivy's question about my books (honestly, there are some books which I haven't even flipped open) and my lousy attempts at taking photos with the timer function. WHAT! How would I know that after each shot I have to reset the function!

A long day, a long night, but nothing beats the long friendship we all have.

Love you guys. *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

One thing you should know about me (part 1)

... is never ask me questions before bedtime. Mind boggling questions like "Do lemons grow on trees?" "Why is a spaceship called a ship?"

At least I found an answer to the first question.

And questions I can't find the answers to leave me sleepless for nights on end. And then I'll get irritated.

*ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRR!*

Zzzzz...

Was given 2 extra days off, and was back at the airport to submit my MC yesterday.

The lady at the counter was rather nice and sympathetic, and said, "Where was the nice guy who accompanied you yesterday? How come you're alone today? Must ask your boyfriend to accompany you." I smiled and said he wasn't my boyfriend, but just a friend... and she said "Oh he was so concerned I thought he was with you. Anyway it's good to have someone in your life."

I smiled awkwardly and wondered if our staff had been tasked to do matchmaking at the side.

The wound seems like it is healing well, and I hope it will be ok by Thursday.

On another note, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I'M HEADING BACK TO PAKISTAN next montH! ... WHY?! Not that I don't like the place, but... WHY DO I HAVE IT so often!

*****

I don't have exclusive rights to anything.

:(

ouch. ouch ouch ouch.

Yeap.

I now have a characteristic mark above my right eyebrow. I am DISFIGURED. *sob*

Luckily the team boy said he'll marry me. Otherwise I will be left on the shelf. Got into a mini accident on board due to some unexpected circumstances and well, sigh. I became a victim of the blardi stainless steel tray.

All because I wanted to help my soon-to-be hubby keep the kueh lapis.

So now I am on MC, and have to forgo my long-awaited flight to Frankfurt. And to make me happy, the soon-to-be hubby said he will buy stuffs on my behalf.

hur hur hur.

I got activated for Auckland tomorrow, but honestly, I still feel a little woozy. Might wanna go see the doc again for another opinion.

SIGH.

I'm broke for this month.

where'd you go?

An sms came in earlier today, after my meeting with him. It hurts to know you're seeing someone else. I love you, and have loved you since forever. But I know it will hurt you more if we are together again. I love you.

I stopped in the middle of Orchard Rd and sobbed.

I love you too.

*****

Why do I throw caution to the wind, wear my heart on my sleeve, knowing that in the end it'll lead to nowhere but hurt?

Why do I feel this way, when I don't have the right to?

Yet I can't bear to let go. What am I holding on to? A tiny little sliver of hope?

I laugh at my silliness.

*****

I promise. If after work tomorrow the pain doesn't go, I will visit a specialist.

*****

Will you still love me in the morning?

Forever and ever, babe.

xoxo,
jenn

13...

...is not such a bad number after all.

13 is when Qian will be back home.
13 is when Yan will be back home.
13 is when QQ will be back home.

Happy.

*click!*

And yes, I am still alive. Survived the flight back as well, though the pain is CONSTANTLY there. WTF is wrong with my tummy?

I can survive pretty well alone, but it does feel good when there are men around to protect you. The simplest thing can really touch me, make me go (in Jacob's words) warm and fuzzy inside. Though I think most men behave that way, but it really feels good when they get protective and want to take care of you. So I felt warm and fuzzy inside on my way home from the airport. It feels nice. :)

Then it was a last minute decision for dinner, and off to movies with D and my buddY! Had to force, threaten, and bribe her into going down town. (Goodness gracious, I really didn't know that Cineleisure has converted their 9th level into gaming and movies as well!) So we watched 'Click!' and the movie evoked much thoughts in me. I was thinking and feeling rather melancholy and sad throughout the movie, and near the end I was sobbing. I can't remember which part about the movie started me crying, the part where he realised his father died or the part where he replayed the last time he saw his dad, or the part he ran out in the rain just to tell his son that family is more important... But as I was watching the part about the daddy, I thought about him and how he would have felt during the movie.

So I sobbed. And when the anti-climax came about, I sobbed harder. Both of them turned around to stare at me. WHAT! I was crying with relief CAN!?

Me thinks this is how life works. In the process of getting to somewhere, we often miss out on a lot of things in life. Just that day I was talking to someone, and he told me how he regretted not being around when his baby took his first steps, and how, in his quest for a better life, he missed the growing-up "KODAK" moments of his baby. And how much he would have given up just to relive that moment.

Many times I wished I could go back to a certain time in life, or to pause (momentarily) a moment that I know I would cherish. And it's odd, cos when I was young, I yearned so much to just fast-forward my life to the point when I start earning my own keep, being an adult... and now that I'm one, I wish I can slow down the speed that my life is flying past at. Or better, to go back to being young again.

Oddly speaking, Le Grand Voyage hovers around a similar meaning in life for me. But the movie was about how a man got to know and understand his father when he drove his dad to Mecca, over 3000 miles from the south of France. How his father tried to show him the realities of life, and its functions. A very thought provoking movie which I wouldn't mind watching over and over again.

Couple of nights back I was chatting with D online and asked him if I give out those "come-take-care-of-me" vibes. Then he said that I have that look where people just want to keep me in their pockets, protect me from the world. And... the ex said that before, the exact same words. Ah well.

And...

::jenn:: le grand voyage says:
do i have a "come take care of me" look?
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
nope
CoMpLiCaTeD © :: 我有幽闭恐惧症 says:
u have a come fuck me look

Thanks Gigi.

g'day mate!

*brrr*

Ok so I survived the 6 hr flight to Adelaide. And crashed once I reached the room.

Adelaide is nice, too bad the stay isn't long and I didn't really feel like going out. Thought I could make a trip down to Le Cordon Bleu Adelaide but the soul is willing the flesh is weak. Or should it be the other way?

Anyway... I'm high on medication. This is the first time I'm so hooked onto the doctor's words: No spicy food, no oily food, no alcohol, medicine before food, medicine after food, medicine on empty stomach... etc. I'm suffering from withdrawal already! Why is it that whenever I'm sick, my craving for junk food like McDonald's or KFC or even potato chips increases by the minute?

Even red wine! I can practically taste the wine in my mouth!

I'm going crazy.

*****

It's cold here, even with the aircon shut off... and I feel a little silly wearing socks with my shorts. Pink socks.

*****

Okie! Time for my "Le Grand Voyage" before I hit the bed.

Happy National Day.

Au revoir!
jenn

should i or should i not?

I wonder if I should take MC or not.

Feeling lighter (emotionally & physically) after my haircut. At least now someone notices it when I cut my hair. Caught a whiff of a familiar scent as I was walking down Orchard Rd and turned around, only to see J standing behind me.

Me: I smelt you!
J: Me TOO! But I was first, cos I turned around first.

Childish boy. Haha... I haven't met him since 2 years back, and he still makes me go weak in the knees and blush like a young schoolgirl. So we went for a short coffee session and he had to rush off to a meeting which, in his words, costs an arm and a leg to set up. A hug later, he was lost in the crowd. *sob*

How we have all grown.

Ok, gonna hit the bed before my flight to Adelaide tonight. Will be home on Thursday evening, then off till Sunday.

Meet up, anyone?

*muack*

argh..

Ok, so I managed to settle the video problem I had. Anyway, fever has subsided yet the pain is still there. Sigh. I hope I can bear with the pain for ... 6 hours?

It's been a while since I had a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. No dreams, no nightmares... and I welcome the rest!

Due for a haircut.. my hair's so long it's getting difficult to style for work.

*****

Attended Chloe's first month baby shower couple of months back, and because my monitor failed on me, couldn't post the pictures!



Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a family of my own.

*****

I'm off for a haircut! More pictures of Moscow when I come back.

xoxo
jenn

ouch!

Got back from the hospital not too long ago and am now painting my nails!

Ooooh, I finally got my new monitor! Though I adore my iBook, but editing word documents on that tiny little screen ain't a fun thing to do.

Oookay. So this morning I went Mustafa Centre to do some early morning/ late night shopping with D, and we went to have some breakfast. Silly me forgot my tummy wasn't really awake enough for cold "teh-ping" and I finished the whole cup with gusto, despite it being a tad too sweet. Came home with diarrhea and then the nightmare started. Cowering with the sudden shot of pain every 5 minutes wasn't a fun thing to do. Started feeling really sick, and the pain didn't go even after a scrumptious lunch at KFC. So it went on, and on, and on, and then at night I couldn't take it and started crying while driving because of the pain.

And the doctor said that if my fever and pain don't subside by tomorrow, I have to admit myself into hospital for suspected stomach ulcers.

No alcohol, no smokies.

How can it be THAT serious?!

DAMN.

It still hurts. Hope I don't have to report sick tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

HOokay. My red red nails are almost dry. Time for bed. I am a good girl today. Early to bed.

painfully yours,
jenn

colourful shanghai...

HeylO! I'm back from Shanghai!

You know how.. sometimes you feel that you did a great job at work, and at times you really feel lousy about yourself? This is one of the few times that I felt I could have done so much better. And these few flights I've been feeling really under the weather.

Ah well.

Met up with Qian, who happened to be there as well. Called me when she woke up, and this was how our conversation went:

Q: Sheraton Tai Ping Yang right?
me: Yeah... you taking cab down?
Q: Yeap, what's your room number?
me: 618... i'll meet you at the reception.
Q: *silence*
me: hmm?
Q: dear, you know my room number is 618 too?

So she took the cab, a good 40 min ride all the way from Pudong to Puxi, where I was resided. Then it was a "I'm-hungry-and-I-need-food" shopping at the plaza opposite the hotel, and we bummed in my room over Choya, red wine, sushi and junk food.

So my plan to lose weight has been pushed back yet another day. And I foresee another day, and another day and another day...

Then we headed out after hours of bumming in the room, and then we forced ourselves to go out for a walk. Hopped onto a cab and got ourselves to Xin Tian Di, a really nice place to chill, food and all. Wished we could stay longer, but she commented I couldn't keep my eyes open and we left for home.



I know the photos suck, but that's the best my handphone could handle cos our sweet little lass Qian drained her camera out of batt by taking narcissistic photos of herself.

*hur hur hur*

In a kissy mood today.

MUACK~!

xoxo
jenn

someone from the familiar past...

"You haven't changed, Jenn."

"hmmm? Older, perhaps?"

"You're still you, your looks and everything... the vibes you give out. The crazy wild you. Still the same as before, when I fell in love with you years back."

"Ya right. I'm older, and probably jaded. Fatter perhaps."

"Would you consider me then, if you weren't with him?"

"Hmmm, I wouldn't know. Anything could happen, couldn't it?"

"Would you consider me now, that you aren't with anyone?"

"I don't know. Anything can happen."

*****

Bittersweet love.

*****

I love reading National Geographic. I love the pictures within and sometimes I wonder how photographers capture the hurt and the pain in someone's eyes. It fascinates me.

*****

Off to Shanghai tonight, then back on Sunday afternoon. Can't wait to meet up with Qian there, and probably off to drinks and music.

夜上海。

xoxo,
jenn

::replacement::

I'm always the replacement people, the space filler. The one who people go to when they need to fill time in between slots. But we all are guilty of finding people to fill in the spaces in our lives one time or another.

Just probably it's happened to me more than "one time or another".

The number of times I've been prepositioned propositioned by men who are married or attached are so many times more than nice and simple single men it's not funny and I'm starting to wonder if I just give out that kind of vibes.

Hur hur. Doomed for a life of being second-best.

Hokie. So I'm now a little nearer to removing that BIG "P" sign next to my name, and starting to wonder what I'm going to do with my life. Oh yes, it's still toooo early to say, but then, no harm planning way way ahead right?

Laugh all you want. I know I'm never a planner, but I can still try planning for that wee-little bit of free time I have ok!

I am planning to go back to dancing. I've done ballroom cha-cha, waltz, tango, salsa... a little of exotic dance... And now I'm thinking of doing pole dancing. Anyone wants to go with me? Ever since Paul won the scholarship to US to learn dancing full-time, I've been wondering if I should have pursued my interests in music and the arts. I ran my fingers on the ivories today, and despite not having practiced on the piano for so long, it's good to hear that I still play pretty much a-ok.

There're so many things I want to do!

frustrated,
jenn

*edit: propositioned...not prepositioned. heh.*

Kiss - Because I'm a girl...

One of the songs which can make me cry like a dam let loose.

First saw the MTV when it first came out, and even though I didn't know what the lyrics meant, the MTV was enough to touch me. I found this MTV with the English subtitles... and now it made me cry even more knowing what the lyrics meant.

One line though, was extremely funny. "Although I will curse you I will miss you." hur hur. Case of translation gone .. wrong.

Still...

I wonder how it feels like to see through the eyes of the person you love. Would the world still look the same? Or would the world look brighter in your eyes?

I wonder.

kiss.

Japan overdose...

Back-to-back Japan flights are not good on the wallet and figure. I just OD-ed on 100 yen shopping, Japanese snacks, food, and I've had enough of the TV channels there.

Glad to be home somehow. Yet not.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm off to Ikoi. DAMN. More Japanese food.

I so love love love soba noodles. I'm addicted.

*****

Did some really crazy shopping in Narita with the teamies, then I dragged them to the temple with me. We bummed around for a while, and though there was nothing much to do, we drove ourselves crazy by dragging one another out of the 100 yen shops.

I'm happy for nice teamies.

*****

Many plans lined up for this week. Which is good.

Next up: Shanghai! Normally I doubt I would be that happy to do that flight, but I'm seeing Qian!

Ok, i should be off to bed. Tired.

xoxo
jenn

you've got mail!

An sms came in from a dear friend currently in Frankfurt, and it was really sweet and touching, it made me smile...

I am happy for friends who care...

:)

satisfied.

xoxo
jenn

jenn's wisecrack of the day:

It's so much easier to find someone you want to fuck for the rest of your life than someone who will hold your hands for the same lifetime.

wisely yours
Jenn

::sadomasochism::

I never realised I am still capable of feeling such pain after even such a long time. Yet this pain is oddly soothing. Like I used to always say, pain is an addiction, a harsh reminder that I am still human, still alive.

Probably I am the only person I know who always fall for the wrong men, having wrong men fall for me, breaking hearts, mending hearts, a vicious repetitive cycle which only makes me more jaded with each round.

But what is it that I want? I know not the answer.

Then again it hasn't been a factor, because I never bothered about what I want.

*****

The 5 off days have come and almost gone, and finally a team flight with some of the girls. Good to have familiar faces on board, and am going shopping (hopefully) in Narita again.

And... heh heh... when I come back, I'll be going to IKOI for the yummiest japanese buffet! But my darling Jacob says it's not that fantastic. STILL, i like.

Feeling better already... i think.

xoxo,
jenn