i spent the night wondering why i couldn't find the energy in myself to plan the birthday party for the boyfriend. i used to do things like that in the past... even though it's pretty much a hassle but it was a joy to see someone enjoy himself. but this year, it just seemed too much of a hassle.

argh. things which made me happy before no longer make me happy anymore. i baked today, and i threw out the thing cos i just didn't like the way it turned out.

and i wondered why people have so many pictures of themselves and their other halves, but i don't think i do.. and the most ironic part? the bf's a photographer.

oh well.

tomorrow is the last day of 2007. like angie said. should leave all sadness behind.

*takes deep breath*

ting shared with me when i told her i felt like just lying in hospital and see if anyone would ever care. it'd be a sad picture. so many people are concerned, so many people care, but at the end of the day... it's back to feeling the loneliness.

i probably need a break from everything, everyone and anyone.

how i wish i can just lie down in bed, oblivious to what goes on in the world.... probably stoned unconscious, and see if anyone cares.

and wake up only when things have been settled, when people have moved on, when i know i am ready to be who i was before, when i can be happier.

i can't go on being the present me. i'm mean, i want to hurt people's feelings, i don't care shit about what others think already.

and when i cower under the covers, i sob and sob to no end.

and so i think i want to disappear. forever.

that night jamaican sex god said something that made me ponder the whole night. the exact words i remember not, but it was along the lines of .... nowhere near achieving anything when we're gonna be 26 soon.

hell true. i'm smelling 26 in the distance, and i'm nowhere near what i set out to achieve when i left poly.

what the fuck am i doing with my life?

just let me sleep forever. at least hopefully when i wake up i am famous and have achieved my dreams. even though it means not being able to experience the process. i no longer want to savour my achievements, i just want something to my name.

you get what i mean?

i read this somewhere.

"Time doesn't heal. It just numbs you, so that you'll be ready to move on."

and so true.

Blogged with Flock

and there goes christmas. sad to say, i don't really believe in the twelve days of christmas, because i still think it was an excuse to party longer and get drunk longer.

but heh heh.
 
xmas this year was spent doing a bali nightstop, and treated to a balinese massage. I think i still prefer the massages in china.

nostalgia seeps back into thoughts when a familiar, old favourite christmas song is played in the distance. you stop, and wonder what about the song made you love it, or find comfort in it. it brings you back, to Christmas past.

is that what they meant by the ghost of christmas past?

giving up my christmas just to spend the night in bali gave me an earlier start to my leave till the end of this year. and counting down to the start of 2008 does nothing to make me feel comforted... that my close friends in this airline, those who keep me sane and care for me loads, have quit and with one heading to london in a few months' time... ... sigh.

so today was spent catching up with the teamies, or rather. all ex teamies. and before the girls came, the teamboy and i spent time catching up, and when i opened the present he gave me, it was just as practical as he could get. but in all aspects, i appreciate the thought, gesture and the gift. just probably the next time i hope it would be all calculated and preferably in notes. and for making sure i was ok before he left by walking me all the way to my next appointment, thank you.

and the long conversation after dinner left me thinking. i knew it hasn't been easy to stick through the past few months, and in many ways i'm sorry for causing hurt to people who care, just because i hurt.

ever felt that you actually don't know someone as well as you think you do, or as well as you know you should? the feeling sucks. and when you realise that others don't see you in the way you see them... it hurts.

i am as random as i can be now. everything's changing around us... and in our struggle to catch up with the changes, we fail to notice what has always been constant, the things which keep us sane.

Blogged with Flock

Feliz Navidad... Joyeux Noël... frohe Weihnachten...

and christmas day to me... is just a sign that the year is ending.

looking back on 2007, i don't know if i am happy, or sad; hopeful, or dejected... all i know is, it wasn't easy for me to move on, and i still find it difficult sometimes to move on. yet the world doesn't stop turning, and time never stops for me. my problems, compared to those of the world... are always small. words from the wise one, who many years back, gave me endless encouragement and support.

how many of us are willing to let go of the past, then? I know i can't. and i am not willing. the past brings many wonderful memories which... sometimes evoke a lot of emotions. yet happy memories are never happier, sad memories just seem sadder.

perhaps i sound very morbid. but i am. never a day passes by without me feeling the hurt of the loss, or without me reliving the day i got the news. letting go is not easy. either that, or maybe i just don't want to let go.

and it's just 7 more days to the new year. and i wonder if one year ago on this date i was looking forward to anything at all. what should i be seeking in this year to come? what should be my new goals? i know nothing, and i yearn for nothing anymore.

but yet, christmas... the mere thought of it meant snow, turkey, gifts, fireplace.... pictures we grew up with in connection to the festival. should it always be a happy festival? do people cry on christmas?

and so, i post my favourite christmas song, and one i find especially meaningful today, this year.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Merry Christmas everyone.

the new roster came out.

and SERIOUSLY.

i'm still trying to see if they'd given me the wrong roster. but probably it's to make up for the lack in allowances for the past 3 months.

listening to other people talk about how the proposed changes might really take place in the near future doesn't make me ooh-so=glad at all. and envying all those other people who's left.

oh well.

keep those fingers crossed for me, will ya?

I was watching this hong kong drama serial, and in the show, they showed a lot of chinese art and calligraphy... and i suddenly remembered how i used to do calligraphy when i was young. actually, granddad was the one who taught me calligraphy. Sunday afternoons after the mandatory "Journey to the West" on tv, he would put out the paper and ink brushes, and i always had joy using the ink stone. I'd always wonder how come all we had to do was to add water to the stone and then there would be ink.

i learnt how to write proper chinese words with the brush, and though i could never write beautifully, and with my limited number of words (i was only about 6, what do you expect?) granddad would never fail to praise us and patiently taught us new words. i never learnt how to use the brush to draw, i remember attending one session of calligraphy art in primary school, and all i learnt was to draw pandas, and bamboo plants. I did remember learning how to draw the koi, but i did that sitting at the pond in primary school. i guess my calligraphy phase was pretty short-lived. granddad didn't write much after we grew up, and thinking back, i feel pretty sad now that i never used to spend more time with him learning such things.

he had a knack for handiwork. he made a kelong out of sticks and weaving strings. and i would always have fun playing with the kelong, cos he would make a fishing net that could be levered up and down. the kelong is now encased at home...

suddenly i had this urge to want to go back home to look for that slab of ink stone and my ink brushes. not that i'd use it to draw or write, but just want to ... reminisce the past.

oh wells.

and today was spent pretty much productively, i watched many episodes online, and did quite a bit of work. using photoshop without a mouse has always been my forte, but after so many months of reliance on a mouse, i couldn't really function proper here just because the handy mouse isn't with me. argh.

hoping this burst of creative spark stays in my head for a while. gotta jot down ideas ideas ideas.

coming home tomorrow night! so many things i want to do and hoping that it would all be worth it.

xoxo

i have an untitled blog post.

I am slogging in front of my computer in my room, well, slogging for work i think i will kinda like once i get it up and running, not that i'm complaining. i set the aircon in the room to a temperature which doesn't look freezing in numbers, but it sure feels like it's freezing cold.

this set of crew i'm with here in abu dhabi are the fun crowd, and we had fun on board, as well as in this.. pretty forsaken place. everyone had their misgivings about this trip, but we felt immediately better after we knew all of us were out to have fun. Well, at least we intend to go out a bit, club a bit, and shop a bit. Oh well, we settled the go out a bit part, we're gonna settle the shop a bit part in a while, and the club a bit part tonight. and probably repeat the whole process tomorrow.

and part of the reason why i never turned up the temperature is... because.... i bought milk and i want to keep it cold. Don't laugh. I know i have a refrigerator in the room, but somehow rather i can't open it, because i don't have the key, and i don't want to call the minibar staff to come up because i don't want to change into more decent looking clothes.

so there. i'd rather suffer in the cold. but this chilly aircon wind beats the dreary weather in New York anytime any day.

i ate wayyyy too much meat today i feel so carnivorous. *ROOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR*

yeah it comes and goes, but i know i'm feeling better. i just hope it stays this way, the feeling better part.

Blogged with Flock

almost every flight i go on these few days i hear people saying, "this is my last few flights!" sigh. sometimes i wish i have better plans, or at least afford to quit. but i can't.

anyway i'm in bombay now and logging on using my hp. wishing i could be home instead. tired and i am gonna sleep and sleep now tt i've had dinner.

please, i'm hoping for a good flight home.

i've never been so broke in my whole life.

and now i look at the pending credit card statements (mind you, i am no shopaholic, the purchases were necessary for home) and i am starting to panic a little. it almost feels like these few weeks i've been working for free. whatever came into the bank account, went out to bills.

shucks.

i need to find a better source of income during my off days. argh.

seriously.

i am on new york time now when i am back in singapore.

what is wrong with my body clock!!!

on another note, today's spa indulgence with the bestest gal friend was shiokadoodadoo. but it rained and rained and rained and rained. so we hid at breko's and then in orchard with bubble tea and window shopping.

i wonder what it is about today... everyone seemed to be too keen in making us buy things. Any slight interest in an item will generate a lot of sales talk. it got me irritated, and stella was more patient with the staff. i simply walked away.

i am so rude. but i don't really feel like entertaining strangers. I'm sorry but it's just one of my bad months.

and i still don't know if i should be glad the year is coming to an end. somehow looking back, this year hasn't been good for most people i know.

i don't think hopeful of next year too.

of falling snow and runaway sanity

it started to snow just as we stepped out of the bus at JFK airport. The journey to the airport made me pretty sick, with all the abrupt jerking and all, but i looked out the window and i saw roads, cars, rooftops, trees all covered with a thin blanket of snow. At that moment, I wished i could be back in new york next week so i could be near when someone loses his virginity to snow.

as i revelled in the falling snow, i wondered why snow makes everything look so dreamy. i never really liked snow. it makes my hair go limp, my feet cold and mushy, but i had the urge there and then to catch the snow with my tongue. but of course. to do that in uniform not only warrants weird looks from other people and my colleagues, i might just find myself with a tongue-lashing (oh i made a joke) from the boss.

Christmas is around the corner, and although i'm thankful that i'll be home for xmas i really don't feel the festive mood in me. I guess the saying's pretty true, it's usually around festive seasons that people feel more depressed. and statistics actually proved that the rate of suicide is higher during christmas and festive seasons. Why am i talking about this at all?

i went completely berserk last night. and it happens to me more often nowadays. it could be the longer time spent away from home, the more lone time i get. and i kinda.. no longer know how to handle it anymore. it makes me feel horrible that i've turned into this monster i can't handle. i push people to their limits, the closer they are to me the more i want to push them away. i want to be around people but i don't want to be around people. and in the midst of a crowd, i feel like i'm alone.

i don't know how to turn it all around. i just want to disappear.

help.

maybe i could love new york in summer.

I don't know truly what it is about new york that many people love.

Compared to the first time I was here many years back, i feel that apart from the horrid biting winter, nothing has really changed. I seldom get smiles from the people on the streets. I wonder if the winter played a part in the cold, cold, stony faces on the people here.

Maybe i just don't like winter now. The little bits of snow falling from the sky did nothing to soothe the turmoil in my heart and mind. and I lie awake each night here, just listening to the police sirens, counting the number of police cars which drove past my window. my heater is spoilt. there was absolutely no warmth in my room. just pure, pure icyness. And Paul heard how tormented I was by the cold, brought me his portable heater and set it up for me in the room.

I thought i'd love winter. But i guess i wasn't prepared for this harsh and horrid cold. it hit me right smack in the face when we stepped out of the airport. I told paul when i was in frankfurt that i'd give up the dance competition and he was understanding about it. so he met me after the dance thingy was over and we had breakfast along broadway. my initial plan of going to jersey garden was put aside simply because i didn't have the mood to brave the cold winds. and so I stayed in most of the time, reading and writing.

it was weird to come back on this flight exactly 2 months after the last one. and checking into the same room i had the last time made it not much easier for me. I cried once i put down my bags and removed the coat. I didn't dare sleep because I was afraid of receiving any calls from anyone. and so i stayed awake the whole night. and slept only when it was near dawn.

the sudden relevation of what i am going through hit me yesterday as i was surfing through the internet. and it made me shudder.

I hate being lonely, but yet i can't stand being in a crowd. I want to stand in the cold, but i hate the strong winds. I yearn for companionship, but i detest the person i become when i am alone with someone.

i wish i know what is happening to me.

parce que c'est toi... because it's you.

I found this song after a long long while. and i still love this song.

yesterday was dad's birthday. I remember when we were kids, mum would bring us to the bookshop at the market and let us get a present for dad from there. and every year it would be a nice pen, or a tie pin. and we'd always buy a cake back to celebrate. I always made sure i was around to at least eat the cake with dad even after i started work.

and after flight yesterday, i cried as i was driving home from the airport. it feels weird not doing anything on dad's birthday, and so i went to get dad's favourite durian cake. we'd only allow him to indulge in durians on his birthday.

this morning i received a message from a dear friend saying he'd quit. it came as a surprise really, because although we've talked abt it but i never saw it happening anytime soon. but probably the greener pasture came to him sooner than i expected.

24 hours is never gonna be enough for me. sigh.

18 November 2007 marked the 49th day of my dad's demise, and also the end of the mourning period. We held a little private session at the temple early in the morning, and i woke up that day feeling heavy in the heart.

the monk we asked to pray for dad was a young man who dedicated his life to buddhism. he stood in front of the table after all formalities were done, and proceeded to start the session. As the prayers went on, I had to battle with all the emotions within me. The sadness consumed me first. Everything that I remembered about dad came flooding into my mind. From the very faint memories that I had with him when I was young: the time he took me to the hospital after mum gave birth to brother, and placed me on the bed while telling me that little red thing in the box is my brother; the times we had breakfast as a family at the market on Sundays, and thereafter to the park opposite; the Friday nights in Boon Lay; the times i used to wait at the window to spot his car coming back; the day i brought Charcoal home; the time my dad called me when i was on my first SNY to Incheon; the very few dinners we've had after we've all grown...

and then anger hit me. I stared hard into the back of the monk's head, and silently wondered if there was any point in giving prayers, for the monk never knew my dad, never knew our family, never knew what we had gone through since young. Never knew what good or bad deeds my dad did, never knew if he did more bad than good, never knew how we are planning to survive for the rest of our lives since dad left us almost nothing...I got angry at the fact that I didn't get to send dad off, I got angry with the fact that almost every time we went to visit dad at the hospital we had to face that irritating male private nurse who never failed to make us feel unwelcome. I got angry at the fact that I couldn't do anything when the other family refused to let us attend the wake. I got angry at the fact that dad's eldest son from that family refused to partake in the prayers the night before the cremation just because he believed in a religion different from dad. I got angry at the fact that after the whole funeral thing, people talked about my mum taking a lot of money from dad when he was around when the truth was that we never took a single cent more, apart from money into education, from dad ever after I started working at 16 years old.

and then i wanted to laugh badly. I thought about how everything was just one big joke, that dad left us nothing but debts, and that my so-called plans have to be altered just because. I wanted to laugh at how my dad had been a womanizer when he was around and how he in his foolishness, had been conned by other people of his money. and I wanted to laugh at the fact that no matter what the monk chanted, I understood nothing. I wanted to laugh at the fact that no one will ever know how my dad looked like because i didn't put up a picture of dad on the tablet we made for him. I wanted to laugh at the fact that I was the cause of my own misery just because i wasted all those years not knowing who dad really was.

and i went blank. i stopped crying and stared straight ahead. I wondered why people light candles at funerals, why the picture is always put in between the candles. I wondered why some of us light incense for the dead. I wondered why in Chinese customs, it is always the guy who holds the picture of the deceased. I wondered why we couldn't celebrate the passing of a loved one. Like drink till you get dead drunk kinda party. I wondered why I paid so much money for the prayer session in a temple, because we can't offer any meat to dad, as we had to respect the fact that only vegetarian food can be served there. and I wondered if dad would be a little pissed at the fact that he can't eat meat from our offerings, and wondered if he could be appeased by eating mock meat. And I wondered why people called it mock meat when it wasn't meat at all. I wondered who invented mock meat and how did vegetarians know if mock duck meat tasted like duck?

the whole session took half the day, and by noon, i was totally drained. emotionally and physically. and when i heard of news about a friend who had to pax back on the same flight I did the other time, because her grandfather had passed on, I started to wonder if she had already known when i was chatting with her online earlier, and wondered how she would feel on the flight back. and all the memories attached to that day I flew back from Frankfurt came to me again, and i had to hold them back and enjoy the dinner with people i love and care for. by the end of the night, all i wanted was to sleep and do nothing at all, because i was so drained i wished i could have slept forever.

sometimes i get tired of explaining myself, and why i do the things i do. i get tired of trying to put across how i feel at times, because i don't know. and i get mad at myself because i am so easily irritated now, and am seldom happy. and i get upset at the fact that sometimes i still do cry alone in the hotel room, and i don't know how long it'd take for me to get on with life without dad. I don't know which is worst, losing someone you've lived with your whole life or losing someone you never really made the effort to live with.

and sometimes i bother to explain myself and why i do the things i do... because it matters to me how u feel.

i haven't been to london in the longest time ever, and this trip kinda reminded me why i heart london so.

fish and chips, marks & spencer, habitat... and of course, catching up with friends who live here tops the cake. Almost wanted to change the flight away for pure off days, decided against it because mr bank account won't look happy, and it was a good thing i did the flight though, the trip up was a bonus with a very easy load, a seldom seen scenario on long flights.

though most times after flights it becomes a back-to-reality kinda scenario, i figure i've been holding up pretty well. of course, it helps that most stations i fly to, i have friends residing there, or friends who are willing to bum down all the way to catch up with me. and these friends, make me feel like i'm home even though i'm far away in europe.

and because i'm heading to new york, new york next month, paul invited me to take part with him in a ballroom dancing competition! i'm psyched up about it, but that means once i touch down in new york i have to run to his place and practice like hell, and take part in the competition the next day, and run back to the hotel for standby. it'll work out i guess, but i just don't know if i can dance still.

sometimes i still do cry, hiding beneath the covers. Probably a false sense of security and warmth. of course i yearn the human hugs, and lots of kisses from charcoal, but since i can neither pack charcoal or a human into my cargo bag (oh freak i shudder to think).. i have to make do with what's available.

i just settled a whopping credit card bill for the month, and thinking far ahead into the future, i don't know what holds. and sometimes i feel drained, like i just want to run away and hide but i know i can't do that forever.

honestly, i don't know what it will take to find the old me-self back. and i want the old jenn back. i can't live life like that knowing that behind each smile, i am never happy.

i don't know why my blogger is forever stuck in italiano, even now as i am logging in from Shanghai.

feel like i've overworked myself, and that i should have just treasured my off days instead of crazily doing flights. but yet that's the other source of income that i can now foresee myself having, and somehow rest time doesnt matter so much when i think about the money i can earn.

probably i am being too practical, or too money driven. but i can't stop thinking how the money would be helpful to my family, and the fact that mum never asks me for money keeps me worried that she's not asking because she doesn't want us to be tied down by money matters.

thing is, she doesn't realise i already am. i've been debating within myself if i should forgo the money i can earn for the long flight for nothing but off days to myself. it's a huge huge huge huge huge difference in the pay if i don't work. but at least i can rest. oh well.

i think i'm just being very incoherent here. the sleeping pills are kicking in a lot faster than before.

daylight-saving time

by the way, i absolutely hate it that i am in the middle of the DST change. So does that mean i get one more or one less hour of sleep if my time zone goes from +2 to +1?

shit. shit the DST.

post-edit: Ok, after much calculation and thinking with my stupid headache, i hereby conclude that i gain one more hour of sleep tonight. YooohoooO!

and to friends in sydney, melbourne, adelaide and perth, congratulations, you just lost one hour of sleep.

i always thought that... if you wished and hoped hard enough, it'd come true. it's naive really, this thinking, but then it never stopped giving me hope that one day, just one day, something i wish really hard for will come true.

i took a mini-hiatus, for many reasons, of which one was because i still wanted to see the blog posts i wrote on my dad's demise and how i felt so i could be reminded time and time again; another reason being simply because i have nothing much to say. i still tear now and then when i am alone, thinking about all the things i could have done; i get angry every now and then thinking about how much responsibilities financially wise i have to take up now. It is a good thing that i seldom splurge on expensive goods, but it also means whatever plans I have made to go back into proper ballroom dancing have to be put on infinite hold.

Never has a day passed when i don't wake up thinking if we would be evicted from our house today. and still, sometimes i wake up crying in the middle of the night, missing dad and wondering if he'd heard me. this current place we've lived for the past 20 years belongs to dad's company, and since dad left no will, i guess everything kinda rolls to his family. it probably is sooner or later that we'd be chased out i guess. things died down slightly after dad's cremation, and heard now the office is in a mess.

i spent one week hoping and hoping the other family would change their minds, and then it didn't happen. our only updates were from relatives, who, in my honest opinion, thinks it's easy for us to stay away but all i really wanted to do is to scream at them and ask if they'd really understand what we felt.

the company was understanding about my plight, with my leave and the compassionate leave given, i spent a week away from work and at home. yet i couldnt bear staying at home. neither could i stand being in a crowd. i went back on flight the first day, a hong kong turnaround, and into hong kong, this guy was the last to leave the plane. he stared out the window, and when i gently reminded him that we've reached, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and somehow a feeling i could reconcile with. looking down, i saw him holding a picture of his family. and en route back to singapore, during landing i teared silently in the darkness of the galley.

the next 2 flights were alright, because i had friends with me. but i am now alone in rome, finished a plate of lousy pasta (such audacity!) from the hotel because i didn't feel good enough to go out, and every minute awake screams murder. i spent money just to be online, to be connected with friends, and yet no one could comfort me much. i don't blame them. it's just me.

i crave for that companionship now, and for someone to just cave into my demands and my ridiculous outbursts, for me to rant and vent and just swallow all that like... a sponge, but i realise i can't do that unless i get a dummy.

so i'm pretty fucked up.

and yeah. rome is pretty only if we have transport into town because the two days we are here, transportation is either on strike or having some green day action thing where no vehicles should be on the roads. and it gets back to working conditions tomorrow, the day we leave. it's a good thing i've been here before, and that i didnt really intend to go out much because i am feeling ill still, otherwise i would feel even more fucked up than ever.

if only i could turn back time...

the past few days have been surreal.

i have been back home since tuesday morning, and only 2 days have passed. it felt like it's been so many days, probably because i didn't sleep much, and my mind kept replaying the time i got the news to the time i touched down in singapore. i did so many things that day it felt like 2 days instead of one.

that night, i was so upset i couldn't think logically. i knew i started asking weird questions to friends, and just feeling lost. i walked from my place to the wake. and because we weren't allowed there, i stood at the block across the carpark and silently prayed there. and i apologised for never being a good daughter, and how i gave up the chance to be one. i asked if he remembered us before he left, and told him not to forget us. and i asked why he couldn't wait for me to come home and see him before he left.

yesterday was pretty much a blur. i felt so lost i longed for someone who's always been in my life to hug me, and so i drove to grandma's. we talked, and that was pretty much the first time in my whole life i've ever had a heart to heart talk with her. spending time with her in the past just couldn't compare to what we talked about during the half hour i was there.

maybe a wake is held so that the family members won't have much time alone to think about the loss, to have people around them to share the loss and the pain, but for mum, bro and i, we just seek solace in the fact that we have relatives and friends who care, relatives who are on our side and friends who have been calling just to ask if we have eaten. i eat everyday, not because i want to, but because i know i have to. i still wake up crying, i still find it difficult to accept, but yet i know one day it will all come to pass. i am afraid of forgetting daddy, and i am even more afraid that i'll keep pretending that he's still around.

thinking back, it's been half a year he's been home. ever since his op in april, he hasn't come home, but these few days the house felt extremely empty. i sat on my parents' bed, in his usual spot, and held his packet of cigarettes, which my mum still kept. we never put away his things. his glasses were still on the bedside table, his tshirt still hung on the hook, even after all this time. after his op, the only updates we got were from my aunt, and after 2 weeks dad finally called, and i was so glad i was around when he called. he said he was sorry he just couldn't remember our number and they took his phonebook away. he knew i've been calling his handphone many times. but it just took him so long to remember our number. and that was the last we've heard from him. and he went back to the hospital, condition worsened, and to see him lying in bed.. helpless and like a baby, i couldn't take it. i'd break down everytime as my mum spoke to him. subsequent visits left me feeling drained because he'd look different. that wasn't dad. that was someone else. what happened to that boisterous man i call dad? who is this frail man lying in bed with tubes out of his body?

the other family made sure we didn't get enough time with dad. our visits had to be in secret, because at certain times the private nurse they hired would be around and he wouldnt let us have time alone with dad. the hospital nurses empathized with us, and always told us the times he'd be around. then when they shifted dad to the nursing home a month back, no one knew until my uncle went to the hospital and couldnt find dad. mum made it a point to try to visit dad everyday. i've never went. because i always told myself tomorrow i'd go. and i told myself i'd go after i came back from new york, and now, there's no tomorrow after all.

i've never done the things my dad wanted me to do. when i got o level results good enough to get into a good junior college, i told my dad i'd go poly because that was what i've always wanted. when he said being in the hotel industry isn't a good thing, i still went ahead and joined the hotel. when he told me flying isn't such a good thing, i still went ahead and signed the contract. i've never done what he wanted. and he never blamed me for it. he's never scolded me nor hit me. we've had spats, but he's never hit me. he gave us what we wanted, and he was a good man, because he was responsible, and took care of us for so long.

i just can't forgive myself. when we were young, every time dad came back, brother and i would run to hug him, and when he left we would give him a goodbye kiss and a hug. but as we grew older, these acts of love became lesser. i'd not be home the times he would be, or be in the shower or even pretend to be asleep when he left. there were days when i didnt see dad. and it didn't matter then when i was working in the hotel. there were days when he called on sunday mornings but i would tell him i was tired and told him i wont join him and mum for breakfast. i used to love spending time with dad when i was a child, but why as i grew up i grew distant from him?

i've gone through many phases. when we were young i never could understand why dad left in the middle of the night. when i was in primary two, parents broke the news to me that dad has 2 wives and mum doesnt have a wedding cert, i thought it was normal because that was what the drama serials were showing then. as i grew older i envied my cousins, who had family outings on sundays, and sat at the dining table to eat as a family. i've gone through a stage hating my mum, and saying really hurtful things i regret till now, because i thought she went to destroy other people's family. i've gone through a stage hating my dad for not being faithful to his wife. but when i went out to work i realised where love plays a part, no one was to blame. i shouldnt blame my mum, she dutifully stayed by him, even though it was tough for her to have given up everything for us. i shouldnt blame dad, who had been responsible for our upbringing.

after i started flying, i realised family is important and i started making more effort to be around at home. we went out for a couple of family dinners and it made me really happy. having charcoal was a good thing too. dad loved charcoal, although i always chide him for overfeeding charcoal with snacks. but i couldnt and wasnt able to talk to him heart to heart without feeling that awkwardness in between us. so many years have built the wall between us and i allowed it to happen. dad made the effort to call everytime i'm overseas to check on me and i never, never, made enough effort to care for him. only when he started feeling sick i called him everyday to check on him till he went for the op.

i have but myself to blame for this hurt that consumes me from inside. i don't know how to forgive myself, or how to accept that he'd no longer be around. a part of me doesn't want to move on, but i know the world doesn't stop turning for me. i've been denied my chance of sending him off, and seeing him the last time. and i feel angry.

and i failed my brother as an elder sister. after so long he broke down last night and i wasn't there for him. everyday i've been crying and i haven't been the strong figure that he could look up to.

i've not been a good daughter, and not a good sister.

i can't forgive myself.

jamaican sex god alywin left me this:

'when the darkness falls
and the blight encrouches
you have your own walls;
to keep out the weakness

say a little prayer
rinse the memories
and store them somewhere
devoid of emotional burglaries

then breathe again the air,
and heal the glass windows
that display your soul, your flair
let life take you on another journey,
one only God knows'

very apt. very true.
thank you.

thank you for all the sms-es, and calls, as well as emails and msn messages.

i appreciate your concerns and thank you for the condolences.

please don't attend the wake ok? because we won't be there. but your heartfelt condolences are appreciated greatly.

:)

i'll be fine.

dad passed away while i was on the flight to frankfurt.

i checked into the hotel, and couple of hours later mum called to tell me the news. i cried, and cried till words couldn't come out, till i couldn't breathe, till i shivered.

i didn't know what to do and i just fell onto the floor and huddled in a corner. i called L and asked him what i should do amidst sobs, and he told me to breathe, as i started having seizures. i wanted to cry till i could cry no more. i wanted to scream, but nothing came out. and so i called one of the colleagues, whom i knew would still be up at that unearthly hour, and asked her for advice. she came over immediately with the chief, and both of them sat with me until the IFS came down, and we continued waiting for instructions from the office.

the call came in just after the trio left my room, and was informed to pax back on the earliest morning flight home. i cried as the staff said, "i'm sorry to hear of your loss." i cried as i was painting my nails, i cried as i was packing my bag for home. i wished i had no tears but i still continued crying. i couldn't sleep initially, and slowly succumbed to sleep. Dreamt a little, and when i woke up, i didn't remember what happened, but when i saw my packed bag and the stack of crumpled tissues next to me, it hit hard and i started crying again. i'm a crybaby i know.

so i prepared for flight. my eyes swollen, i couldn't put on the eyeshadow proper. i couldn't do up the hair well, either. i made a lot of calls to anyone i could think of, and cried as i told them. i want to be strong, eventually, but now i want to be weak. the IFS, chief and the colleague, all of whom became my family for this flight, came down with me to see me off.

during the flight, i ate nothing and slept. got woken up for fruits and cereals, which i forced myself to eat, and as the plane was landing, all i could think of was the fact that i have to accept that dad has passed on. i cried silently as the plane taxiied on the runway, and as the all familiar "welcome to singapore, ladies and gentlemen..." greeting came on, i decided i didn't want to go home after all. When i walked out of the aircraft, bidding goodbye and extending my appreciation to felix, tears rolled down uncontrollably. At the end of the aerobridge, I saw one of our STC staff waiting to take me through everything.

i'm home now, and yet i still kinda can't accept that dad is gone. i don't know when i'll ever accept it... and the fact that mum, bro and i are not allowed to partake in the funeral procession nor pay our last respects to dad as per instructions from the other family, made it a lot worse for me. My relatives on dad's side were very sympathetic, all calling to offer their condolences and that they'd help us in every way they can to let us send dad off. maybe, just maybe, they might change, my aunt said. i seriously doubt so.

my fond memories of dad are few, the times when i pretend to be asleep just to have him carry me up home and tuck me into bed, the times when we had breakfast on sunday mornings, and then walks at the park nearby after, the times he cooked burnt fried rice and claimed that he liked it burnt, all of which were memories when i was young. the last few memories of him were him holding my hand as i lay in the hospital bed after my op, him bringing us out for mother's day dinner, and him calling to check on me whenever i go on flights.

i lost a dad i don't know well enough. i don't know how old dad is, i don't know which year he was born in, i don't know how he was like as a kid, i don't know how he worked till this age, i don't know how he grew up, i don't know what he thought about us, i don't know what he expected out of us, i don't know a lot of things. I'm sorry for the times that could have been.

and now i know.

these tears i shed..... are tears of regret.

this year's Mid Autumn Festival feels so different from previous years'. Lesser mooncakes, in fact, I think this year i only had one quarter of one tiny mooncake, and the fact that the whole family isn't around makes it a lot less like mid autumn.

Met someone on board, who happened to be a coursemate of some friends, and when i first saw him, he reminded me so much of someone. And i thought ok, probably just look alike. but when we were working and chatting, the topics we talked about, his mannerisms, the way he talks, eats and all... it's so uncanny how 2 people who are not related to each other can be so alike in SO many ways! and i couldn't help but keep wanting to know more about this new friend, just so i could find something that is at least different.

so in taipei, because Aunt couldn't make it in time to meet me, i spent the afternoon trudging with the guys to look at the computer stuff, acting as their translator. and dinner was yummy steamboat with nicky and some of the afternoon gang. i think being overseas, that's the best way to catch up with friends. yeah.

and so at night we headed to the tea house next to the hotel. and learnt about the art of chinese tea brewing. it was an eye opener though, i didn't realise you could use tea leaves for 5 rounds, i always throw mine away on 3. damn.

mahjong last night was a killer. but i recouped my losses and managed to save myself from bankruptcy. big mac does horrible things to ah fat's chip drawer. and chilli's italy flag magic only works in the day. and there's only one lucky seat at the mahjong table.

for all my lovely friends out there who are....

... as hooked onto facebook as i am...

dedicated to all of you.



and another one...



oh and an informercial about facebook...



and and and!!

from the directors of FACEOFF.... i proudly present... FACEBOOK OFF!



and yes i love you all too.

ok i should stop.

just feeling lethargic. and i have absolutely no idea why.

and how often do u have a friend who happened to be going to hongkong for holiday on the same day as you? so we met up in hongkong instead of all the times we could have met here back home.

and the girlfriend who was fortunate to have me on flight with her. heh heh heh.

oh well. i'm gonna crash before i leave for airport later.

have i packeD?!?

i got nicky-ed!

so last night i was reading on the bed and i felt giddy. like.. really really giddy and shakingly giddy.

i thought i felt the bed move but then again i thought i was just tired from lack of sleep. and so i got up a bit and shifted over to the other side of bed. the shaking feeling didn't go. and then i saw..... my bottle shaking on the table, wires shaking. kinda brushed it off, to realise 10 minutes later that we just experienced tremors from the earthquake.

ooooh.

that's why.

and no, i'm still a little sore about the money i could have won.

this is the story where i am a great philanthropist.

I COULD HAVE WON $12.80 FROM EVERYONE IN MAHJONG BUT I DIDN'T! ALL BECAUSE I WAS TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE CARD I TOOK! ...

oh well, long story. But i still won anyway.

Boos to Lou, Chilli and ah Fat, all of whom laughed at me ever since. ASshats.

Whatever.

.
..
....
....


ARGHHHH!!! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLUR!

je ne suis pas heureux.

ever felt like u've been spread thinly, like butter over a piece of bread? (oh that depends if you like a lot of butter or a little)

like... 24 hours in a day is never enough. yeah, i do, at times (or many times), change away my off days for flights. but i only do that when i know i've nothing on that day, and if it's a short rest day in between flights i might as well change it away for more flights. that'd bring in more money and less expenditure.

i've friends i haven't been able to meet up in a while because time doesn't really permit.

i've things i've always wanted to do but then the financial constraints.

i feel i've been stretched.

sometimes i get angry with charcoal for waking me up in the middle of the night because he wants to eat snacks. but then he's just a dog, and still a baby, and probably doesn't know. and i guess he wants to spend more time with me too. and i feel guilty, cos i haven't been spending much time at home with charcoal, with mum.

so.

yep.
i'm worn out.

soothing words from a treasured friend.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:09 AM)
don't be afraid k. there is nothing else we can really lose in this world

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:15 AM)
hmm

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:18 AM)
my sanity

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:34 AM)
u noe there are ppl out there who wont allow that to happen

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:40 AM)
but if it does happen ill hold ur hand.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:11 AM)
and we can spin out of control together

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:15 AM)
wheee

no matter how crazy it sounds, i still feel warm and fuzzy in my heart. thank you for everything. *beams*

money woes.

and so the credit card bill came. and i gasped a little, inaudible, but yes i did get a shock.

it wasn't as much as the previous month's, which shot sky high because of certain bills I settled for the family, but it was enough to make me reconsider using it for a while.

and so the haircut has got to wait till next month (which is gonna be here soon!), and thankfully i don't foresee any much expenditure on the wallet anytime soon, apart from the few doctor's appointments that i have in place. Oh, and time for the dentist too.

maybe i should really consider doing some investments with my savings. but then again, should i?

oh well.

hmmm.

Fly Away

When will you be home, she asked
As we watched the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
To where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as I crawled and stumble
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky.
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby, fly away

Autumn leaves fall into springtime
and silver painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying,
We need you please come back

When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby fly away...

listening to Luther Vandross' 'Dance With My Father' and struggling to keep my tears within.

there are sometimes i feel like just being depressed and stay in the room to wallow in self pity. and this, is one of the few times i allowed myself to. just got back from a long day with colleagues, and after a day of cinema hopping, shopping, and aimless walking, ending with coffee and dinner in the room, i am finally allowed time to myself, to think about things, think about myself.

just wondering how much i've changed and all. and certainly, at times, hating who i've become. and in many instances, memories of the past does seem a lot happier and easier to deal with compared to now. i don't know how to handle this new change in me, this newfound ... frustration that i always have. this impatience, this..

and i'm wearing down everyone around me, i guess. or am i being too hard on myself?

bumped into a secondary school senior the other night, and at the same place, a junior. all of us about 2 years apart from one another, and yet, we chatted like old friends.

and now, listening to Dick Lee's 'Life Story'. yes, depressing songs on my iTunes but well, it's the mood i have now.

i read somewhere, that men seek for ideal loves, while women, just love with all their hearts. is that true?

pardon the randomness.

y'ello maaaan!

in johannesburg, and again with a nice set of crew, and just back from a drinking session with some of them.

so this time we're gonna try cinema hopping, and probably go eat steak and feast. hur hur hur.

i returned from paris with macarons and had my craving satisfied. fed everyone with macarons, and when i went back to my favourite household shop i made fast friends with the guys.

so here are some pictures of my favourite shopowners!







and as i was walking down the streets from Opera to the hotel, this guy jumped into my path when he saw me holding my camera and gamely posed for a picture with his love.




ah well, i came back with household items, macarons and met up with dora the explorer, and we bitched about work over wine and eggs. and i played tour guide to some girls as i brought them around paris.

oooh wells.

i came home, played mahjong with benjing, chilli and louis and i lost A LOT OF MONEY but thankfully i managed to recoup a bit of my losses (nonetheless i still lost) in the very last round. or rather, the many very last rounds.

and i took pictures of charcoal because he was sedated from his booster jab, and willingly stayed put for me.

but because i am lazy to put them into a collage....

and the internet connection here in jo'burg isn't helpful....

another day!

it is raining here in paris, and plans of walking out after i check in have been thwarted.

so now i think i should go for a rest, then see what comes after i wake up. and since my dearest friend isn't around, for he is in singapore when i am here, i doubt there's gonna be any kinda rendezvous with any cute guys. but well, his family is gonna come down and meet me for dinner anyway. and. i am so gonna die because they speak no english at all.

hoping my french can at least take me through dinner.

mais oui! that's all i'm gonna say. oui oui oui!

i hate mozzies.

i hate the fact that i always get bitten in a group of friends.

i hate mozzies.

today i am boy!

have you wondered what it feels like to be on the other side?

of everything? of things you have control of, of things you have no control of?

like, say, being a guy, being single, being married, being a half of a twin, being part of a triplet, being smart, being dumb, being in another occupation, being in no occupation, being old, being young, being pretty, being ugly.... was just wondering recently if things might be the same if things weren't the same. erm. ok, sounds pretty contradicting but you should know what i mean.

yeah some of the things listed, i'd one day probably experience them. Now i know why people say life is one big contradiction. People always say as humans we have a choice in whatever we do. but I have no choice to whether I want to grow old or not, whether i am smart or not... the only choice i have regarding these choice-less issues would be whether i want to accept it or not. so probably that's what they meant when they say we all have a choice.

hmm.

and so zenn and i did a penang turn finally, fate brought us together for such a short flight, and because i saved her life, she's indebted to me forever. and today i am boy, though i cheated by choosing an easier position that what she exchanged for. and so she's heading to hamsterdamn damn. should i ask her to bring back tons of peanut butter or should i ask her to bring back other things? hmmm.

hahaha.

this also means i can bully her into playing mahjong whenever i feel like it. "but..but... i saved your life!" oOOoOOo.. so exciting to have a trump card. OooOOoOOOOoooo.

and finally paris again this weekend. no complaints, at least i get to meet up with friends again. i guess the only part i love about this job is that i get the chance to meet up with friends who are abroad. I've friends in paris, zurich, hong kong, US, taipei, london, holland, frankfurt, china, australia, italy, and even doha... and i've always been able to meet them whenever i can. managed to meet up with gigi in sydney, and spent time with her and her hostelmates, of whom MR BRYANT has become a friend because i borrowed his charger and sat on his warm bedroom floor. "it's the heater, my dear" and seeing that gigi is happier now makes me happy that she made the decision to leave everything back here at home. I guess she took my words too literally when i told her she should move on.

but well.

yeah. maybe i love this job after all.

just feeling a little emo tonight.

i have been feeling overwhelmed lately, sometimes thinking about the past, about dad, about home, about money, well, almost everything. i guess we're no longer seeing dad anymore, what with the so-called "ban", and all I could think was dad lying in bed helpless.

i keep saying i wish i can do more, but i've gone to the hospital, stood in the lobby, and then turn home because i couldn't bring myself to see dad in that state. i've grown to accept that even if he should wake up one day, he won't be the same as before, and with all chances, he'd probably not even remember us.

and then i thought about how as a kid, i used to pretend that i'd fallen asleep in the car. and just so he could carry me back home into bed.

just feeling overwhelmed now.

delhi was good. very good in fact. surprisingly. and i kinda miss being in delhi with the rest of them now.

the other day as i was scrolling down the list in my handphone to find mahjong kakis, i saw dad's name and i paused for a while. i really miss dad, and i feel that... i am currently in limbo right now. everything's a blur around me, and sometimes i dont know what i feel about things happening at home.

so i went to see the doctor about my backache. and after 2 hours of waiting painfully, i managed to see the doctor for a mere 10 minutes. got prodded, asked nonsensical questions which made me cringe and want to go "DUUUUUHHHHH", she diagnosed me as having MUSCLE STRAIN. when i told her i couldn't turn my neck to the right and sometimes left, she went, "All the same muscle." when i told her my right arm feels a bit numb, she went, "All the same muscle." FINE. so be it.

heading off to New Delhi later. hope my back holds up and happy holidays everyone.

GIGI!!! i'm going SYDNEY!!!

my back hurts. badly. i almost couldnt get out of bed when i was in brisbane. and now i can't really move my right arm without feeling pain and all.

argh.

hate this.

it's 5.30am here in taipei.

I CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP! i am so tired, but my back aches so much. In fact, that was the reason why i woke up. in pain. ouch.

and yeah, i'm back in taipei again, this time i curbed mindless shopping, apart from being at this bookstore in Shi Da night market and then i... ah well, me and my stationery attraction.

I don't know why i love notebooks, paper, pens, weird stationery stuff. BUT i do.

i can't turn my neck right because it hurts, i can't tilt my head forward because it hurts. and now i am craving for my medicated plaster. sigh.

i can't wait to get home, even though it means flight immediately the next day. i'd give up my off days anytime for taipei, i said. it's almost like a second home to me.

and because edward happened to be in taipei with his wife, we met up briefly to have dinner, and to meet his wife for the first time.

just thinking about certain things last night, and i am glad, that after all these years, i am still in touch with a few teachers, all of whom became good friends, after school. and meeting up with them, together with other long-time friends brings back fond memories of the past. and the friendship fostered over the years only grows stronger, and deeper. from sharing trivial mundane stuff to deep thoughts and secrets, from just a once-in-a-while call to catch up to promises of frequent meet-ups over coffee, food and *ahem* mahjong, we've become lifelong friends. even though my poly years were fulfilling and memorable, it is the time i spent in secondary school which still beats any other memory in time handsdown. and the primary school friends who stayed together till secondary school.. we're already nearing the 20 year mark soon.

damn.

am i growing older or what?

so today i brought charcoal to the vet's and well...

let's just say i managed to stop him from scratching himself, at least till his wound heals.



AND no, i didn't castrate him. he just had a bad case of rashes.

got back not too long ago from this very last minute arranged mini beer session at wala's, and ended abruptly with some interesting topic over the table. I wonder who the fuck started it.

so anyway, zurich (yes, again) was pretty ok, the weather held up though clouds were threatening to pour buckets over our heads, and on the flight up, i managed to make a friend out of a passenger, whom I met up with on the second day when yves came over with his friend and the small group consisting of 1 singaporean girl, 1 argentinian girl, 1 french guy, 1 swiss guy, and 1 italian guy (pick the odd one out) made its way down to the lake where I finally had lunch at this highly praised House Of Spaghetti, and i ate till my mind went crazy. we had wine with cheese fondue after a heavy lunch, and then they made me eat more dessert. how sinful. but i'm glad to have made yet another friend in a foreign land. yeah, like what one of the senior crew said, you'll never know how much you can learn from someone else, and how much you can grow learning about someone else.

so this morning when i came home, mum was telling me how we might not have the chance to head back to the hospital again. which made me want to cry badly, but i held back the tears as she drove on home. there isn't any point letting the tears run dry, and i guess i'll just have to grit and move on. yet again, i stole peeks from the photo albums left in mum's room and then felt sad all over again. and charcoal's losing weight (why him and not me?!) and apparently the groomer thinks he's down with some parasite in his tummy, so tomorrow morning's dedicated to spending time with charcoal. with most of his hair gone, i do think he's lost quite a bit of weight, even though he's eating as much, if not more, than what he used to eat. could it be because dad is no longer around to feed him junk food?

sigh. i try to make myself happier, but sometimes being at home makes me feel that i'm just waiting for dad to come home. i sit at the edge of the bed where he liked to sit at and then i miss the very few and brief moments we spent talking, with charcoal trying to snatch the bread out of dad's hands, and when there are important decisions to be made the whole family would gather in the room and talk. his obnoxious laughter whenever mum dissed him at something, and when mum and i went down to the hospital the other day, as mum was talking to dad in his subconsciousness, i realised i learnt a lot more about my parents then compared to before. i never knew dad always liked mum's cooking compared to what he gets elsewhere. and i learnt what dad's favourite dish apart from mum's yam rice is. and that made me feel sad because i don't know much about dad. and i only have myself to blame.

and so i was reading through the past few days' or weeks, or even months' blog entries, and realised i've been posting nothing but unhappy entries day by day. yeah there are random bleeps of happiness and ecstacy, but mostly depressing, depressing thoughts. and i guess it's pretty much down to whatever's bugging me deep down inside. i tend to feel a lot more for people recently. sadness tends to be magnified to the thousands, and happiness just ... kinda fleets past. i feel so much sadness inside me, so much sadness for other people who go through difficult times, it sometimes overwhelms me and consumes me in a way i can't even fathom. i can be happy in front of others, but when the doors are closed and i face the room alone, all i want to do is hide in the cupboard and cry. it happens a lot less frequent nowadays though, what with my obsession to finish watching alias, coupled with the fact i've been meeting up with a lot of people these few days.

ah wells. there comes a time i will get tired of myself feeling so sad and all, and smack myself over the head with anything i can lay my hands on. after all, we have to move on in life, no?

season 3 of alias shows michael vaughn as the suay-est person in the whole freaking world in my opinion. how many people do you know go to the hospital with major injuries like.. every 3 days? and gets beaten up ever so often? but yet i see the entanglement between vaughn, reed (his wife, who didn't even last till the last minute in the season) and bristow and it tugs. and i think i am slowly getting tired of bristow's need to have all her questions answered. and the ever-existing need to have her family tree laid out for her.

and as i am typing all this, i wonder if i am somewhat like her in certain ways.

argh such a long post, which somehow doesn't really link up nor make any sense, maybe the beer's still running in the blood.

what do i make do with the treasure box should i ever find that rainbow?

d'OH! d'oH! d'oh!

hahahaha, i watched THE SIMPSONS! and i think i might want to watch again!! D'OH!

i finally caught TRANSFORMERS! WOoooooOOooo.. i LOVE the show. it brought back memories of childhood and those lazy afternoons of playing robots with my brother and cousin. and how we used to make my barbie doll (i never liked barbie) fight optimus prime. we named barbie MEGABREASTS, and HE-MAN was the normal civilian. oh well, those were the days.. and i want to watch transformers again! think i'm gonna search for those cartoon series. yum!

and the pineapple upside-down turned out more like pineapple pancake than cake. it couldn't be the baking powder nor soda, so what the hell went wrong? and yesterday i managed to head down for a short short swim even though the skies were threatening to pour heavily. but a quick swim in the cold cold pool is better than none at all, so i'm glad, and now, i think i am nursing a soon-to-be cold coming up. and my whole back aches. ouch.

ah well.

had a chat with J a couple of days back. what is it about the past that one finds hard to let go? the fact that both parties have moved on to something new, a something that was once meant to be yours? so what the fuck is the point of hanging on to something that MIGHT have been and not try to work out with something that could be? get a life and move on, it'd only be fair to yourselves and to the new ones in your lives. yeah, you assured her there's nothing going on, but between you and me, i know that you keep feeding the past with hopes, because the past always tries to dig holes for you to fall in. and even if you fool the whole world, you can never fool yourself, and one day you'll lose the someone who could be your love forever. it becomes a sad life cycle.

******

and THE SIMPSONS TONIGHT! i can't wait i can't wait!

came back from the hospital earlier on, and was feeling upset so i came online to chat. B and i chatted online for a while, and called me from melbourne, just to hear me burst into tears on the phone. and even though i didn't say much to him, he just kept quiet and allowed me to cry the whole of .... say.. 20 minutes? before telling me that everything will work out in the end. that is, somehow true isn't it? everything HAS to work out in the end.

so it's bills, bills and more bills when i opened the mailbox. both snail and electronic. i'm tired really, and yet i don't know where i can find a place to just isolate myself. and then when i didn't get the kind of understanding i had, i felt even more upset. which, in my opinion, is more my fault than anyone else's. i can't expect people to always want to listen to me talk about the same old thing right?

i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry in someone's embrace.

they say, there's a treasure chest waiting to be found at the end of a rainbow. i say, find the rainbow first.

heard this song on FF's blog, and then remembered that he sent me this song last week while i was in LA. so i, shamelessly took this video off her blog. heh heh.



Till we ain't strangers anymore - Bon Jovi & LeeAnn Rimes

It might be hard to be lovers
But its harder to be friends
Baby pull down the covers
Its time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
Ill just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Dont you think its time we say
Some things we havent said
It aint too late to get back to that place
Back to where, we thought it was before
Why dont you look at me
Til we aint strangers anymore
Sometimes its hard to love me
Sometimes its hard to love you too
I know its hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life
With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Its hard to find forgivness
When we just run out of lies
Its hard to say youre sorry
When you cant tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So lets get down to it baby
There aint no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we’ll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
We’re not strangers anymore
We’re not strangers
We’re not strangers anymore

if there's one obsession i have, it's the pleasure of seeing my painted red nails sparkle with the top coat added on.

yeah yeah, it's still early for me to just touch up my nails, but i've planned for a day and night of shopping and since i'm leaving early tomorrow morning, i might as well paint it now and dedicate my time at night for stuffing everything into my bags before i concuss for sleep right? i ain't exactly a loner, but sometimes i love shopping alone. i ain't that keen on the usual places the other girls like to visit, like wu fen pu and xi men ding, and i won't trade in my precious shopping time in taipei just to go along with them. would rather head out to the university area and get what i want from there. with what's worth, everything is just about the same here.

as i was shopping along the streets last night, i thought i heard someone call me by my pet name. and i was like, only 2 people i know call me that, so i paid no attention and walked on, just to have someone tap me on the shoulder and "eh you deaf ah?!" so amongst the crowd both of us went WHAT THE?! .. the chances of bumping into someone, whom you haven't seen in a while at home, is pretty slim. but well, it was good, though the encounter was short. and then back to more shopping along the streets.

it's been a while since i communicated with someone over email, and with instant chat programs now, i feel kinda repressed knowing that questions i ask and answers i give won't be read until... until the recipient reads the email. and then i remember the excitement i used to get in the past when snail mail was still popular whenever i opened the mailbox. how friends and i used to send letters to one another even though we meet everyday in school. i think probably i still like seeing notes addressed to me whenever i open the mailbox (note: change of flights notes sometimes not considered).

mum has been visiting dad in hospital everyday, during the times when no one else might be around, and even though i seldom talk about dad these few days, he's always at the back of my mind, and i inevidently tear whenever i think about him. no longer having bickers with him over how much snacks he should feed charcoal, or leaving his food unattended because charcoal might snatch it away kinda makes everything else bleak at home. i've taken to looking through old photographs with dad and missing all the time i could have spent knowing him a little better, despite all the odds against mum, brother and i. it's been.. 4 months? and somehow though his condition has stabilised, it's still saddening to know that he doesn't really remember much. and seeing him lie in bed helpless, compared to in the past when his loud booming voice echoes from the bedroom because he doesn't know which number to press for the news channel... makes me break down whenever i peep in from outside the door to his ward. just because i stopped talking about it.. doesn't mean i no longer care. but mum's stronger than i am, and despite the fact i feel like the provider at home in monetary terms, she provides endless emotional support for me whenever i need it.

time flies so fast, things happen so suddenly and unexpectedly, i wonder if i can still catch up. and when this kid corrected me when i asked "so you're six years old this year?" with an indignant "NO! i am six and a half", i turned around and told the mum, "and a half matters to us when we were a lot younger, now we omit the and-a-halfs and the and-three-quarters as much as we can." to which she agreed and laughed. do i miss being young? yes and no. but time has matured me and taught me so much in a way no amount of education ever can.

i have recurring dreams often... but what do recurring dreams from... say many years back... mean? what are they trying to tell me? and why do i struggle to remember when i first had these dreams in the dreams? everything is so deja vu, even to the point when i wake up and stare straight at the ceiling feeling puzzled.

i dream a lot.

and recently the dreams were kinda, well, thought provoking. the times when i caught him staring at me while i slept, the times he stroked my hair as i slept.

very weird.

and well, CHARCOAL HAS BEEN PEEING IN MY ROOM EVERY NIGHT! and he does that stealthily, when my mum opens my bedroom door to get something he'd run in and peeeeeee! argh! he must be really angry with me about something, which i don't have a freaking clue. argh.

ripped this off ivy's page. am now in taipei, and i foresee more spending later. ouch.

damage to wallet today.. is half the allowance gone. bought lots of medication for someone, in the hope that it'd ease his sinus problems somehow, and my sleeping pills and super strong flu medication (you know, just in case..) and not forgetting my teeny little wee bit shopping done.

so the new hotel ain't that bad after all. if you're willing to walk a little u'll find everything, including a supermarket. hmm, a hypermarket more like it. no one wanted to walk there with me after the shopping done at the mall this afternoon, all saying it's too far and all, so i decided to take an evening jog there and visit that area. i never realised my right ankle is getting really really weak, with old sprains, until abt 10 minutes into the run, it kinda dislocated. well, it felt like my ankle fell off. and i had to slowly limp the whole way there, and the way back. ouch.

and in the afternoon, alvin gave me a piece of advice, "i've learnt never to trust maps in US." which, i found to be ABSOLUTELY true when i went in search of 'food 4 less' just now. the map indicated that it was before a particular junction, BUT, when i reached that junction i saw no signs of it. and because i limped all the way there i refused to give up, and walked further down. AND VOILAAAAAA! it was about 5 minutes FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD!! (#**&$#(*@#(*)(%

so yeah. i made it there. and bought all the sleeping pills i could find for my insomnia. and also all the strong strong sinus medication. ho ho ho i feel so learned, reading through all the medical terms and ingredients. and i bumped into someone when i reached the hotel and he went "ARE YOU CRAZY?? u should have taken the cab there! it's so far!"

legs are meant for walking my dear.

lalalala, i love love love pancakes and waffles in the morning. but now i am nursing my poor ankle.

fireworks at disneyland lit the sky and though i've never been a fan of such things, it still managed to brighten up my day. or night. whatever.

ok lesson learnt: never trust maps in US.

so i just checked into the hotel not too long ago. and while queueing up at the airport in LA to clear the customs, the crew from another airline asked me out for drinks downtown. he's cute, but i'll pass. right now it's just past midnight and i should really be sleeping, but i just can't get to sleep.

and mum said charcoal's been naughty naughty, peeing in my room just because i didn't spend enough time with him and because i scolded him over the phone last night. now he refuses to listen to me over the phone, putting his paw over his ear whenever mum tries to put the receiver near him. so irritating.

i got the room on the sundeck level, and there's a party going on outside my room. felt like taking a peek but i'm shy.

so yeah.

decided not to forgo my off days to maintain my original roster, time for a well deserved break somehow.

i don't get enough rest anyway. *yawn*

ok i shall indulge in myself a little on this trip.

nitey world.

being 2nd best.

it's always a wonder how rare it is for us to end up marrying the person we loved most. and then we end up marrying someone whom we love, but still think about the one we could have married.

and then years later, you realise he is thinking the same too.

so i say, love isn't the scariest thing on earth. marriage is.

if our paths find their way back, it still wouldn't be the same, for we loved who were in the relationship then, and not the present now. are we in love with memories? or the person?

leaving for los angeles.

love.

hmmm. put on standby today and was really surprised when i found out what flight i'd be activated for. leaving for taipei later, then to LA tomorrow (angie, come meet me in LA!) and as much as i try to change away US flights, there's no running away from it this time.

so after a few days of home-cooked dinner, wireless battle of suduko (thanks to nicky's PSP), tv watching, and cuddling, i can't say i'm really prepared to leave for such a long duration, but work is work, and the irony of it all? I was just online window-shopping and telling lou what i intend to buy when i go over to taipei early next month and i got activated. it seems like i have to spend my money earlier.

so i heard the new (well, already not-so-new) hotel in LA doesn't have much to offer. i guess it's back to prison breaking and spending money online.

and missing out on parties, bbqs (sausagesssss!) and all that i've had planned for the upcoming off days, including meeting up with someone in melbourne.

hokey! gotta go airport sooN!

if... you choose to lie, despite the fact that you know i already know the truth...

there's seriously nothing i can do.

well, i was totally prepared and packed for a boring weekend in zurich, because zurich on sundays is like a dead town, but surprise surprise! the once in three years Zuri Fascht was on!

so plans to go down to Bern were ditched, and we walked the fair immediately after we showered and changed. nearing the lake, some kind of a competition was being held, and as we walked nearer, we realised it was... a dragonboat competition. and then my craving for sausages and raclette took over, we feasted as we watched people dive from heights into the waters, games and ... well, alot more although we were pretty clueless as to what the festival was about. no one could tell us, and when we did manage to find some english speaking person all he could say was... it's just like a national day celebration. right. like that helps.

so it was reported that 2 million people came down to the fair, and fireworks lit the skies, but we missed all that because by evening we were dead beat and retreated back to the hotel for a good 12 hour sleep. and then back to the fair the next day, where we treated ourselves to a scrumptious mcdonald's lunch (laugh all you want you evil tweeps) and then more raclette and grocery shopping.

bern will always be there, but this one in three year celebration seldom comes by..

and a scrumptious dinner awaited, ending with a wireless battle of sudoku. heh heh heh.

sometimes the past catches up with us very unexpectedly. a surprised phone call, certain messages, and some afterthought left me wondering if i should have changed the course of my actions then. but what good could it have done? like what he said, to which i agree totally, time wasn't right and i was too caught up with the past. but if circumstances were different, i'm sure things would have been better. hmm.

and i don't know if it were because of all these happening in my life right now, someone bore the brunt of my frustration, a misunderstanding i caused. unhappiness and all, and it got me wondering for a long time why i changed and became like that. is it myself, or did someone or something cause this change in me? Joe said i had the temper of a stone, and it took him a while to believe that i now have a very short temper.

maybe i was not patient enough with you. maybe i should be more patient. that line stung. and i remember myself saying that when i was in a previous relationship. why have i lost myself when i moved on? and that constant blurb of uncertainty hits me when i least expect it. no matter how i brush it away, it comes back like an irritating fly.

ah wells.

oh! and we finished 24 season 6! FINALLY! yay! we can move on to other shows! no more season 7 until i'm done with most of the other shows that i want to watch. like desperately.

and my all-time favourite handsome cute boy:

what does it mean when you start to not know why you have changed into someone totally unlike yourself?

i don't even know if i get what i am talking abt.

angie is gonna leave us and go over to the STATES to look for cowboys. and because she's gonna rendezvous with many cowboys on her birthday, we kidnapped her and celebrated an early hatchday! well, probably calls for a good reason to celebrate cos my 2 princesses have been promoted at work and Lady Stella is moving on into another phase in life with Knight Javien.

*me, angie, stella*


*angie likes raw prawns.*




*my darling gal pals*

and what best to capture such happy moments with polaroids?





love you 2 always. *Smooooooooooooooch*
happy birthday angie. (one year older doesn't necessarily mean one year wiser so live with it.)

so 3 days back i baked a cheesecake, because i had a craving for it, and well, since i've not baked one in a while i thought it'd be good to fill the house with cheesecake smell. and because it's to be kept in the fridge for at least a few hours after it's cooled down from the hot oven, i kept trying not to drool over the cake.

fengmin came home and asked if she could eat. i told her no. my brother sms and asked if i could da-bao home for him, i told him no. so.. i waited, and waited, and waited, and just after one hour in the fridge i made fengmin my guinea pig. ho ho ho, luckily everyone like it enough to even ask for recipe.. me happy i can fatten up the whole wide world.

i'm wondering when this hot hot weather will go away. swimming everyday doesn't help. once my head is out of the water i felt myself perspiring. sigh. and my aircon is nowhere near functional. HELP!

nicky kept calling charcoal "truffles" when we were skype-ing the other night. today i tried to see if the name truffles got stuck in charcoal's head.

i called out "truffles!", and charcoal looked over.

THANKS HOR NICKY!

i fucking hate this.

i also want to feel safe. like... secure. and protected. and to know that .. what you tell me is the same as what you tell others.

sadly... it isn't so. and it made me feel that i'm not worthy.

*****

lawrence and i met up for lunch today, with a little baby girl in tow. because of my sudden craving for a&w's coney dog (which we no longer have the privilege to enjoy) i dragged him to superdog. and we chomped on our hotdogs in the dreaded hot weather. not that yummy but will do. and having a conversation which made me feel comfortable finally and a little adorable angel made the day in the heat all worth it.

*****

how does someone claim to love one, and yet not let go of the past? and think of someone else when you're together. why drag on with someone new when you constantly wonder if you want to get back to the past?

i fucking hate mind games, or people messing around with my heart, or anyone else's heart for that matter.

yes, you read that right. I FUCKING hate it. in due time, i suppose.

Breakdown by daughtry

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating it.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.

i am hooked on miso soup and soba noodles. and i think i overdosed on them.

and when i was in narita, i bought loads of rubbish. to the extent mum asked why she would even need brushes and sponges.

ah wells.

i'm on leave again, but this time i'm staying put at home.

*hugs*

we have made a convert from a non-mahjong player to a 'eh wanna mahjong tonight?' addict.

sigh. i am so evil.

'you took my breath away the first time we met,
and when you walked past your scent lingers.
my heart went with you when you smiled at me,
and when we shared our thoughts my soul left me.

much as i want i know it could never be,
this friendship is one i'd like to keep.
so be sure that, my little one,
i'll be around if you'll ever need me.'

found this note in my mailbox when i was at the airport earlier in the day... and till now, i don't know how i should reply to the sender.

sometimes i feel that i've inherited certain qualities of people i hang around too much with. hmm, simply put, whenever i leave a relationship, i realised i've become .. a little of him. and a little less myself. in a way, certain qualities of the ex-partner made me stronger than i was, but i miss the old me.

and because i couldn't stand how messy my room was, i started cleaning up. and then i didnt want to stop until i was done, so it's already 11pm and i am satisfied with the outcome of my room, but i am so dead. because i haven't painted my nails nor packed and i have to wake up around 4am.

die.
die.
sigh.

i am very disturbed.

because today when i opened up an email sent by miss stellalalalala, i saw my email address was saved under "Jenn thinks italian guys are hot."

how can like that?

some french guys are also quite cute. so are spanish guys.

sigh.

back from karachi.

a freaking long stay in karachi got me hooked onto alias and refusing to step out of the room for dinner just because i wanted to watch alias.

but this trip was a good one, with good people who eventually turned out as friends, and we spent hours on the phone just chatting, even though we were just a couple of doors away.

and Murakami's "Sputnik Sweetheart" got me thinking when i read the last few pages:

"So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us - that's snatched right out of our hands - the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind, leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."

"Maybe, in some distant place, everything is already, quietly, lost. Or at least there exists a silent place where everything can disappear, welding together in a single, overlapping figure. And as we live our lives we discover - drawing towards us the thin threads attached to each - what as many beautiful lost things as I could. Drawing them closer, holding on to them. Knowing all the while that their lives are fleeting."

so true.

these few days, i can't really differentiate between dreams and real life. some nights, i wake up in tears, and then i wonder, for a long while, if the dreams were real. then i get scared and confused, to the extent i'd call and check if it really happened.

ah wells.

today is father's day. think last year we had a chance to be at home and dine together at dinner, but this year, this year, well... i haven't even heard from him, apart from the fact that he's switched hospitals and is still in ICU.

oh well. just glad to have people around me who were able to cheer me up the past few days, even though we briefly know one another.

k gotta zzz.