dad passed away while i was on the flight to frankfurt.

i checked into the hotel, and couple of hours later mum called to tell me the news. i cried, and cried till words couldn't come out, till i couldn't breathe, till i shivered.

i didn't know what to do and i just fell onto the floor and huddled in a corner. i called L and asked him what i should do amidst sobs, and he told me to breathe, as i started having seizures. i wanted to cry till i could cry no more. i wanted to scream, but nothing came out. and so i called one of the colleagues, whom i knew would still be up at that unearthly hour, and asked her for advice. she came over immediately with the chief, and both of them sat with me until the IFS came down, and we continued waiting for instructions from the office.

the call came in just after the trio left my room, and was informed to pax back on the earliest morning flight home. i cried as the staff said, "i'm sorry to hear of your loss." i cried as i was painting my nails, i cried as i was packing my bag for home. i wished i had no tears but i still continued crying. i couldn't sleep initially, and slowly succumbed to sleep. Dreamt a little, and when i woke up, i didn't remember what happened, but when i saw my packed bag and the stack of crumpled tissues next to me, it hit hard and i started crying again. i'm a crybaby i know.

so i prepared for flight. my eyes swollen, i couldn't put on the eyeshadow proper. i couldn't do up the hair well, either. i made a lot of calls to anyone i could think of, and cried as i told them. i want to be strong, eventually, but now i want to be weak. the IFS, chief and the colleague, all of whom became my family for this flight, came down with me to see me off.

during the flight, i ate nothing and slept. got woken up for fruits and cereals, which i forced myself to eat, and as the plane was landing, all i could think of was the fact that i have to accept that dad has passed on. i cried silently as the plane taxiied on the runway, and as the all familiar "welcome to singapore, ladies and gentlemen..." greeting came on, i decided i didn't want to go home after all. When i walked out of the aircraft, bidding goodbye and extending my appreciation to felix, tears rolled down uncontrollably. At the end of the aerobridge, I saw one of our STC staff waiting to take me through everything.

i'm home now, and yet i still kinda can't accept that dad is gone. i don't know when i'll ever accept it... and the fact that mum, bro and i are not allowed to partake in the funeral procession nor pay our last respects to dad as per instructions from the other family, made it a lot worse for me. My relatives on dad's side were very sympathetic, all calling to offer their condolences and that they'd help us in every way they can to let us send dad off. maybe, just maybe, they might change, my aunt said. i seriously doubt so.

my fond memories of dad are few, the times when i pretend to be asleep just to have him carry me up home and tuck me into bed, the times when we had breakfast on sunday mornings, and then walks at the park nearby after, the times he cooked burnt fried rice and claimed that he liked it burnt, all of which were memories when i was young. the last few memories of him were him holding my hand as i lay in the hospital bed after my op, him bringing us out for mother's day dinner, and him calling to check on me whenever i go on flights.

i lost a dad i don't know well enough. i don't know how old dad is, i don't know which year he was born in, i don't know how he was like as a kid, i don't know how he worked till this age, i don't know how he grew up, i don't know what he thought about us, i don't know what he expected out of us, i don't know a lot of things. I'm sorry for the times that could have been.

and now i know.

these tears i shed..... are tears of regret.

this year's Mid Autumn Festival feels so different from previous years'. Lesser mooncakes, in fact, I think this year i only had one quarter of one tiny mooncake, and the fact that the whole family isn't around makes it a lot less like mid autumn.

Met someone on board, who happened to be a coursemate of some friends, and when i first saw him, he reminded me so much of someone. And i thought ok, probably just look alike. but when we were working and chatting, the topics we talked about, his mannerisms, the way he talks, eats and all... it's so uncanny how 2 people who are not related to each other can be so alike in SO many ways! and i couldn't help but keep wanting to know more about this new friend, just so i could find something that is at least different.

so in taipei, because Aunt couldn't make it in time to meet me, i spent the afternoon trudging with the guys to look at the computer stuff, acting as their translator. and dinner was yummy steamboat with nicky and some of the afternoon gang. i think being overseas, that's the best way to catch up with friends. yeah.

and so at night we headed to the tea house next to the hotel. and learnt about the art of chinese tea brewing. it was an eye opener though, i didn't realise you could use tea leaves for 5 rounds, i always throw mine away on 3. damn.

mahjong last night was a killer. but i recouped my losses and managed to save myself from bankruptcy. big mac does horrible things to ah fat's chip drawer. and chilli's italy flag magic only works in the day. and there's only one lucky seat at the mahjong table.

for all my lovely friends out there who are....

... as hooked onto facebook as i am...

dedicated to all of you.



and another one...



oh and an informercial about facebook...



and and and!!

from the directors of FACEOFF.... i proudly present... FACEBOOK OFF!



and yes i love you all too.

ok i should stop.

just feeling lethargic. and i have absolutely no idea why.

and how often do u have a friend who happened to be going to hongkong for holiday on the same day as you? so we met up in hongkong instead of all the times we could have met here back home.

and the girlfriend who was fortunate to have me on flight with her. heh heh heh.

oh well. i'm gonna crash before i leave for airport later.

have i packeD?!?

i got nicky-ed!

so last night i was reading on the bed and i felt giddy. like.. really really giddy and shakingly giddy.

i thought i felt the bed move but then again i thought i was just tired from lack of sleep. and so i got up a bit and shifted over to the other side of bed. the shaking feeling didn't go. and then i saw..... my bottle shaking on the table, wires shaking. kinda brushed it off, to realise 10 minutes later that we just experienced tremors from the earthquake.

ooooh.

that's why.

and no, i'm still a little sore about the money i could have won.

this is the story where i am a great philanthropist.

I COULD HAVE WON $12.80 FROM EVERYONE IN MAHJONG BUT I DIDN'T! ALL BECAUSE I WAS TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE CARD I TOOK! ...

oh well, long story. But i still won anyway.

Boos to Lou, Chilli and ah Fat, all of whom laughed at me ever since. ASshats.

Whatever.

.
..
....
....


ARGHHHH!!! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLUR!

je ne suis pas heureux.

ever felt like u've been spread thinly, like butter over a piece of bread? (oh that depends if you like a lot of butter or a little)

like... 24 hours in a day is never enough. yeah, i do, at times (or many times), change away my off days for flights. but i only do that when i know i've nothing on that day, and if it's a short rest day in between flights i might as well change it away for more flights. that'd bring in more money and less expenditure.

i've friends i haven't been able to meet up in a while because time doesn't really permit.

i've things i've always wanted to do but then the financial constraints.

i feel i've been stretched.

sometimes i get angry with charcoal for waking me up in the middle of the night because he wants to eat snacks. but then he's just a dog, and still a baby, and probably doesn't know. and i guess he wants to spend more time with me too. and i feel guilty, cos i haven't been spending much time at home with charcoal, with mum.

so.

yep.
i'm worn out.

soothing words from a treasured friend.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:09 AM)
don't be afraid k. there is nothing else we can really lose in this world

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:15 AM)
hmm

::jenn:: con te partiro.. says: (1:56:18 AM)
my sanity

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:34 AM)
u noe there are ppl out there who wont allow that to happen

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:56:40 AM)
but if it does happen ill hold ur hand.

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:11 AM)
and we can spin out of control together

~*Q*~ It CANNOT get worse than this. says: (1:58:15 AM)
wheee

no matter how crazy it sounds, i still feel warm and fuzzy in my heart. thank you for everything. *beams*

money woes.

and so the credit card bill came. and i gasped a little, inaudible, but yes i did get a shock.

it wasn't as much as the previous month's, which shot sky high because of certain bills I settled for the family, but it was enough to make me reconsider using it for a while.

and so the haircut has got to wait till next month (which is gonna be here soon!), and thankfully i don't foresee any much expenditure on the wallet anytime soon, apart from the few doctor's appointments that i have in place. Oh, and time for the dentist too.

maybe i should really consider doing some investments with my savings. but then again, should i?

oh well.

hmmm.

Fly Away

When will you be home, she asked
As we watched the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer
To where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as I crawled and stumble
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky.
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby, fly away

Autumn leaves fall into springtime
and silver painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying,
We need you please come back

When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you, too much to make you stay
Baby fly away...

listening to Luther Vandross' 'Dance With My Father' and struggling to keep my tears within.

there are sometimes i feel like just being depressed and stay in the room to wallow in self pity. and this, is one of the few times i allowed myself to. just got back from a long day with colleagues, and after a day of cinema hopping, shopping, and aimless walking, ending with coffee and dinner in the room, i am finally allowed time to myself, to think about things, think about myself.

just wondering how much i've changed and all. and certainly, at times, hating who i've become. and in many instances, memories of the past does seem a lot happier and easier to deal with compared to now. i don't know how to handle this new change in me, this newfound ... frustration that i always have. this impatience, this..

and i'm wearing down everyone around me, i guess. or am i being too hard on myself?

bumped into a secondary school senior the other night, and at the same place, a junior. all of us about 2 years apart from one another, and yet, we chatted like old friends.

and now, listening to Dick Lee's 'Life Story'. yes, depressing songs on my iTunes but well, it's the mood i have now.

i read somewhere, that men seek for ideal loves, while women, just love with all their hearts. is that true?

pardon the randomness.

y'ello maaaan!

in johannesburg, and again with a nice set of crew, and just back from a drinking session with some of them.

so this time we're gonna try cinema hopping, and probably go eat steak and feast. hur hur hur.

i returned from paris with macarons and had my craving satisfied. fed everyone with macarons, and when i went back to my favourite household shop i made fast friends with the guys.

so here are some pictures of my favourite shopowners!







and as i was walking down the streets from Opera to the hotel, this guy jumped into my path when he saw me holding my camera and gamely posed for a picture with his love.




ah well, i came back with household items, macarons and met up with dora the explorer, and we bitched about work over wine and eggs. and i played tour guide to some girls as i brought them around paris.

oooh wells.

i came home, played mahjong with benjing, chilli and louis and i lost A LOT OF MONEY but thankfully i managed to recoup a bit of my losses (nonetheless i still lost) in the very last round. or rather, the many very last rounds.

and i took pictures of charcoal because he was sedated from his booster jab, and willingly stayed put for me.

but because i am lazy to put them into a collage....

and the internet connection here in jo'burg isn't helpful....

another day!

it is raining here in paris, and plans of walking out after i check in have been thwarted.

so now i think i should go for a rest, then see what comes after i wake up. and since my dearest friend isn't around, for he is in singapore when i am here, i doubt there's gonna be any kinda rendezvous with any cute guys. but well, his family is gonna come down and meet me for dinner anyway. and. i am so gonna die because they speak no english at all.

hoping my french can at least take me through dinner.

mais oui! that's all i'm gonna say. oui oui oui!

i hate mozzies.

i hate the fact that i always get bitten in a group of friends.

i hate mozzies.

today i am boy!

have you wondered what it feels like to be on the other side?

of everything? of things you have control of, of things you have no control of?

like, say, being a guy, being single, being married, being a half of a twin, being part of a triplet, being smart, being dumb, being in another occupation, being in no occupation, being old, being young, being pretty, being ugly.... was just wondering recently if things might be the same if things weren't the same. erm. ok, sounds pretty contradicting but you should know what i mean.

yeah some of the things listed, i'd one day probably experience them. Now i know why people say life is one big contradiction. People always say as humans we have a choice in whatever we do. but I have no choice to whether I want to grow old or not, whether i am smart or not... the only choice i have regarding these choice-less issues would be whether i want to accept it or not. so probably that's what they meant when they say we all have a choice.

hmm.

and so zenn and i did a penang turn finally, fate brought us together for such a short flight, and because i saved her life, she's indebted to me forever. and today i am boy, though i cheated by choosing an easier position that what she exchanged for. and so she's heading to hamsterdamn damn. should i ask her to bring back tons of peanut butter or should i ask her to bring back other things? hmmm.

hahaha.

this also means i can bully her into playing mahjong whenever i feel like it. "but..but... i saved your life!" oOOoOOo.. so exciting to have a trump card. OooOOoOOOOoooo.

and finally paris again this weekend. no complaints, at least i get to meet up with friends again. i guess the only part i love about this job is that i get the chance to meet up with friends who are abroad. I've friends in paris, zurich, hong kong, US, taipei, london, holland, frankfurt, china, australia, italy, and even doha... and i've always been able to meet them whenever i can. managed to meet up with gigi in sydney, and spent time with her and her hostelmates, of whom MR BRYANT has become a friend because i borrowed his charger and sat on his warm bedroom floor. "it's the heater, my dear" and seeing that gigi is happier now makes me happy that she made the decision to leave everything back here at home. I guess she took my words too literally when i told her she should move on.

but well.

yeah. maybe i love this job after all.

just feeling a little emo tonight.

i have been feeling overwhelmed lately, sometimes thinking about the past, about dad, about home, about money, well, almost everything. i guess we're no longer seeing dad anymore, what with the so-called "ban", and all I could think was dad lying in bed helpless.

i keep saying i wish i can do more, but i've gone to the hospital, stood in the lobby, and then turn home because i couldn't bring myself to see dad in that state. i've grown to accept that even if he should wake up one day, he won't be the same as before, and with all chances, he'd probably not even remember us.

and then i thought about how as a kid, i used to pretend that i'd fallen asleep in the car. and just so he could carry me back home into bed.

just feeling overwhelmed now.

delhi was good. very good in fact. surprisingly. and i kinda miss being in delhi with the rest of them now.

the other day as i was scrolling down the list in my handphone to find mahjong kakis, i saw dad's name and i paused for a while. i really miss dad, and i feel that... i am currently in limbo right now. everything's a blur around me, and sometimes i dont know what i feel about things happening at home.

so i went to see the doctor about my backache. and after 2 hours of waiting painfully, i managed to see the doctor for a mere 10 minutes. got prodded, asked nonsensical questions which made me cringe and want to go "DUUUUUHHHHH", she diagnosed me as having MUSCLE STRAIN. when i told her i couldn't turn my neck to the right and sometimes left, she went, "All the same muscle." when i told her my right arm feels a bit numb, she went, "All the same muscle." FINE. so be it.

heading off to New Delhi later. hope my back holds up and happy holidays everyone.

GIGI!!! i'm going SYDNEY!!!

my back hurts. badly. i almost couldnt get out of bed when i was in brisbane. and now i can't really move my right arm without feeling pain and all.

argh.

hate this.

it's 5.30am here in taipei.

I CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP! i am so tired, but my back aches so much. In fact, that was the reason why i woke up. in pain. ouch.

and yeah, i'm back in taipei again, this time i curbed mindless shopping, apart from being at this bookstore in Shi Da night market and then i... ah well, me and my stationery attraction.

I don't know why i love notebooks, paper, pens, weird stationery stuff. BUT i do.

i can't turn my neck right because it hurts, i can't tilt my head forward because it hurts. and now i am craving for my medicated plaster. sigh.

i can't wait to get home, even though it means flight immediately the next day. i'd give up my off days anytime for taipei, i said. it's almost like a second home to me.

and because edward happened to be in taipei with his wife, we met up briefly to have dinner, and to meet his wife for the first time.

just thinking about certain things last night, and i am glad, that after all these years, i am still in touch with a few teachers, all of whom became good friends, after school. and meeting up with them, together with other long-time friends brings back fond memories of the past. and the friendship fostered over the years only grows stronger, and deeper. from sharing trivial mundane stuff to deep thoughts and secrets, from just a once-in-a-while call to catch up to promises of frequent meet-ups over coffee, food and *ahem* mahjong, we've become lifelong friends. even though my poly years were fulfilling and memorable, it is the time i spent in secondary school which still beats any other memory in time handsdown. and the primary school friends who stayed together till secondary school.. we're already nearing the 20 year mark soon.

damn.

am i growing older or what?

so today i brought charcoal to the vet's and well...

let's just say i managed to stop him from scratching himself, at least till his wound heals.



AND no, i didn't castrate him. he just had a bad case of rashes.

got back not too long ago from this very last minute arranged mini beer session at wala's, and ended abruptly with some interesting topic over the table. I wonder who the fuck started it.

so anyway, zurich (yes, again) was pretty ok, the weather held up though clouds were threatening to pour buckets over our heads, and on the flight up, i managed to make a friend out of a passenger, whom I met up with on the second day when yves came over with his friend and the small group consisting of 1 singaporean girl, 1 argentinian girl, 1 french guy, 1 swiss guy, and 1 italian guy (pick the odd one out) made its way down to the lake where I finally had lunch at this highly praised House Of Spaghetti, and i ate till my mind went crazy. we had wine with cheese fondue after a heavy lunch, and then they made me eat more dessert. how sinful. but i'm glad to have made yet another friend in a foreign land. yeah, like what one of the senior crew said, you'll never know how much you can learn from someone else, and how much you can grow learning about someone else.

so this morning when i came home, mum was telling me how we might not have the chance to head back to the hospital again. which made me want to cry badly, but i held back the tears as she drove on home. there isn't any point letting the tears run dry, and i guess i'll just have to grit and move on. yet again, i stole peeks from the photo albums left in mum's room and then felt sad all over again. and charcoal's losing weight (why him and not me?!) and apparently the groomer thinks he's down with some parasite in his tummy, so tomorrow morning's dedicated to spending time with charcoal. with most of his hair gone, i do think he's lost quite a bit of weight, even though he's eating as much, if not more, than what he used to eat. could it be because dad is no longer around to feed him junk food?

sigh. i try to make myself happier, but sometimes being at home makes me feel that i'm just waiting for dad to come home. i sit at the edge of the bed where he liked to sit at and then i miss the very few and brief moments we spent talking, with charcoal trying to snatch the bread out of dad's hands, and when there are important decisions to be made the whole family would gather in the room and talk. his obnoxious laughter whenever mum dissed him at something, and when mum and i went down to the hospital the other day, as mum was talking to dad in his subconsciousness, i realised i learnt a lot more about my parents then compared to before. i never knew dad always liked mum's cooking compared to what he gets elsewhere. and i learnt what dad's favourite dish apart from mum's yam rice is. and that made me feel sad because i don't know much about dad. and i only have myself to blame.

and so i was reading through the past few days' or weeks, or even months' blog entries, and realised i've been posting nothing but unhappy entries day by day. yeah there are random bleeps of happiness and ecstacy, but mostly depressing, depressing thoughts. and i guess it's pretty much down to whatever's bugging me deep down inside. i tend to feel a lot more for people recently. sadness tends to be magnified to the thousands, and happiness just ... kinda fleets past. i feel so much sadness inside me, so much sadness for other people who go through difficult times, it sometimes overwhelms me and consumes me in a way i can't even fathom. i can be happy in front of others, but when the doors are closed and i face the room alone, all i want to do is hide in the cupboard and cry. it happens a lot less frequent nowadays though, what with my obsession to finish watching alias, coupled with the fact i've been meeting up with a lot of people these few days.

ah wells. there comes a time i will get tired of myself feeling so sad and all, and smack myself over the head with anything i can lay my hands on. after all, we have to move on in life, no?

season 3 of alias shows michael vaughn as the suay-est person in the whole freaking world in my opinion. how many people do you know go to the hospital with major injuries like.. every 3 days? and gets beaten up ever so often? but yet i see the entanglement between vaughn, reed (his wife, who didn't even last till the last minute in the season) and bristow and it tugs. and i think i am slowly getting tired of bristow's need to have all her questions answered. and the ever-existing need to have her family tree laid out for her.

and as i am typing all this, i wonder if i am somewhat like her in certain ways.

argh such a long post, which somehow doesn't really link up nor make any sense, maybe the beer's still running in the blood.

what do i make do with the treasure box should i ever find that rainbow?

d'OH! d'oH! d'oh!

hahahaha, i watched THE SIMPSONS! and i think i might want to watch again!! D'OH!

i finally caught TRANSFORMERS! WOoooooOOooo.. i LOVE the show. it brought back memories of childhood and those lazy afternoons of playing robots with my brother and cousin. and how we used to make my barbie doll (i never liked barbie) fight optimus prime. we named barbie MEGABREASTS, and HE-MAN was the normal civilian. oh well, those were the days.. and i want to watch transformers again! think i'm gonna search for those cartoon series. yum!

and the pineapple upside-down turned out more like pineapple pancake than cake. it couldn't be the baking powder nor soda, so what the hell went wrong? and yesterday i managed to head down for a short short swim even though the skies were threatening to pour heavily. but a quick swim in the cold cold pool is better than none at all, so i'm glad, and now, i think i am nursing a soon-to-be cold coming up. and my whole back aches. ouch.

ah well.

had a chat with J a couple of days back. what is it about the past that one finds hard to let go? the fact that both parties have moved on to something new, a something that was once meant to be yours? so what the fuck is the point of hanging on to something that MIGHT have been and not try to work out with something that could be? get a life and move on, it'd only be fair to yourselves and to the new ones in your lives. yeah, you assured her there's nothing going on, but between you and me, i know that you keep feeding the past with hopes, because the past always tries to dig holes for you to fall in. and even if you fool the whole world, you can never fool yourself, and one day you'll lose the someone who could be your love forever. it becomes a sad life cycle.

******

and THE SIMPSONS TONIGHT! i can't wait i can't wait!

came back from the hospital earlier on, and was feeling upset so i came online to chat. B and i chatted online for a while, and called me from melbourne, just to hear me burst into tears on the phone. and even though i didn't say much to him, he just kept quiet and allowed me to cry the whole of .... say.. 20 minutes? before telling me that everything will work out in the end. that is, somehow true isn't it? everything HAS to work out in the end.

so it's bills, bills and more bills when i opened the mailbox. both snail and electronic. i'm tired really, and yet i don't know where i can find a place to just isolate myself. and then when i didn't get the kind of understanding i had, i felt even more upset. which, in my opinion, is more my fault than anyone else's. i can't expect people to always want to listen to me talk about the same old thing right?

i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry in someone's embrace.

they say, there's a treasure chest waiting to be found at the end of a rainbow. i say, find the rainbow first.

heard this song on FF's blog, and then remembered that he sent me this song last week while i was in LA. so i, shamelessly took this video off her blog. heh heh.



Till we ain't strangers anymore - Bon Jovi & LeeAnn Rimes

It might be hard to be lovers
But its harder to be friends
Baby pull down the covers
Its time you let me in
Maybe light a couple candles
Ill just go ahead and lock the door
If you just talk to me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Lay your head on my pillow
I sit beside you on the bed
Dont you think its time we say
Some things we havent said
It aint too late to get back to that place
Back to where, we thought it was before
Why dont you look at me
Til we aint strangers anymore
Sometimes its hard to love me
Sometimes its hard to love you too
I know its hard believing
That love can pull us through
It would be so easy
To live your life
With one foot out the door
Just hold me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
Its hard to find forgivness
When we just run out of lies
Its hard to say youre sorry
When you cant tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So lets get down to it baby
There aint no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we’ll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Til we aint strangers anymore
We’re not strangers anymore
We’re not strangers
We’re not strangers anymore

if there's one obsession i have, it's the pleasure of seeing my painted red nails sparkle with the top coat added on.

yeah yeah, it's still early for me to just touch up my nails, but i've planned for a day and night of shopping and since i'm leaving early tomorrow morning, i might as well paint it now and dedicate my time at night for stuffing everything into my bags before i concuss for sleep right? i ain't exactly a loner, but sometimes i love shopping alone. i ain't that keen on the usual places the other girls like to visit, like wu fen pu and xi men ding, and i won't trade in my precious shopping time in taipei just to go along with them. would rather head out to the university area and get what i want from there. with what's worth, everything is just about the same here.

as i was shopping along the streets last night, i thought i heard someone call me by my pet name. and i was like, only 2 people i know call me that, so i paid no attention and walked on, just to have someone tap me on the shoulder and "eh you deaf ah?!" so amongst the crowd both of us went WHAT THE?! .. the chances of bumping into someone, whom you haven't seen in a while at home, is pretty slim. but well, it was good, though the encounter was short. and then back to more shopping along the streets.

it's been a while since i communicated with someone over email, and with instant chat programs now, i feel kinda repressed knowing that questions i ask and answers i give won't be read until... until the recipient reads the email. and then i remember the excitement i used to get in the past when snail mail was still popular whenever i opened the mailbox. how friends and i used to send letters to one another even though we meet everyday in school. i think probably i still like seeing notes addressed to me whenever i open the mailbox (note: change of flights notes sometimes not considered).

mum has been visiting dad in hospital everyday, during the times when no one else might be around, and even though i seldom talk about dad these few days, he's always at the back of my mind, and i inevidently tear whenever i think about him. no longer having bickers with him over how much snacks he should feed charcoal, or leaving his food unattended because charcoal might snatch it away kinda makes everything else bleak at home. i've taken to looking through old photographs with dad and missing all the time i could have spent knowing him a little better, despite all the odds against mum, brother and i. it's been.. 4 months? and somehow though his condition has stabilised, it's still saddening to know that he doesn't really remember much. and seeing him lie in bed helpless, compared to in the past when his loud booming voice echoes from the bedroom because he doesn't know which number to press for the news channel... makes me break down whenever i peep in from outside the door to his ward. just because i stopped talking about it.. doesn't mean i no longer care. but mum's stronger than i am, and despite the fact i feel like the provider at home in monetary terms, she provides endless emotional support for me whenever i need it.

time flies so fast, things happen so suddenly and unexpectedly, i wonder if i can still catch up. and when this kid corrected me when i asked "so you're six years old this year?" with an indignant "NO! i am six and a half", i turned around and told the mum, "and a half matters to us when we were a lot younger, now we omit the and-a-halfs and the and-three-quarters as much as we can." to which she agreed and laughed. do i miss being young? yes and no. but time has matured me and taught me so much in a way no amount of education ever can.

i have recurring dreams often... but what do recurring dreams from... say many years back... mean? what are they trying to tell me? and why do i struggle to remember when i first had these dreams in the dreams? everything is so deja vu, even to the point when i wake up and stare straight at the ceiling feeling puzzled.

i dream a lot.

and recently the dreams were kinda, well, thought provoking. the times when i caught him staring at me while i slept, the times he stroked my hair as i slept.

very weird.

and well, CHARCOAL HAS BEEN PEEING IN MY ROOM EVERY NIGHT! and he does that stealthily, when my mum opens my bedroom door to get something he'd run in and peeeeeee! argh! he must be really angry with me about something, which i don't have a freaking clue. argh.

ripped this off ivy's page. am now in taipei, and i foresee more spending later. ouch.

damage to wallet today.. is half the allowance gone. bought lots of medication for someone, in the hope that it'd ease his sinus problems somehow, and my sleeping pills and super strong flu medication (you know, just in case..) and not forgetting my teeny little wee bit shopping done.

so the new hotel ain't that bad after all. if you're willing to walk a little u'll find everything, including a supermarket. hmm, a hypermarket more like it. no one wanted to walk there with me after the shopping done at the mall this afternoon, all saying it's too far and all, so i decided to take an evening jog there and visit that area. i never realised my right ankle is getting really really weak, with old sprains, until abt 10 minutes into the run, it kinda dislocated. well, it felt like my ankle fell off. and i had to slowly limp the whole way there, and the way back. ouch.

and in the afternoon, alvin gave me a piece of advice, "i've learnt never to trust maps in US." which, i found to be ABSOLUTELY true when i went in search of 'food 4 less' just now. the map indicated that it was before a particular junction, BUT, when i reached that junction i saw no signs of it. and because i limped all the way there i refused to give up, and walked further down. AND VOILAAAAAA! it was about 5 minutes FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD!! (#**&$#(*@#(*)(%

so yeah. i made it there. and bought all the sleeping pills i could find for my insomnia. and also all the strong strong sinus medication. ho ho ho i feel so learned, reading through all the medical terms and ingredients. and i bumped into someone when i reached the hotel and he went "ARE YOU CRAZY?? u should have taken the cab there! it's so far!"

legs are meant for walking my dear.

lalalala, i love love love pancakes and waffles in the morning. but now i am nursing my poor ankle.

fireworks at disneyland lit the sky and though i've never been a fan of such things, it still managed to brighten up my day. or night. whatever.

ok lesson learnt: never trust maps in US.

so i just checked into the hotel not too long ago. and while queueing up at the airport in LA to clear the customs, the crew from another airline asked me out for drinks downtown. he's cute, but i'll pass. right now it's just past midnight and i should really be sleeping, but i just can't get to sleep.

and mum said charcoal's been naughty naughty, peeing in my room just because i didn't spend enough time with him and because i scolded him over the phone last night. now he refuses to listen to me over the phone, putting his paw over his ear whenever mum tries to put the receiver near him. so irritating.

i got the room on the sundeck level, and there's a party going on outside my room. felt like taking a peek but i'm shy.

so yeah.

decided not to forgo my off days to maintain my original roster, time for a well deserved break somehow.

i don't get enough rest anyway. *yawn*

ok i shall indulge in myself a little on this trip.

nitey world.

being 2nd best.

it's always a wonder how rare it is for us to end up marrying the person we loved most. and then we end up marrying someone whom we love, but still think about the one we could have married.

and then years later, you realise he is thinking the same too.

so i say, love isn't the scariest thing on earth. marriage is.

if our paths find their way back, it still wouldn't be the same, for we loved who were in the relationship then, and not the present now. are we in love with memories? or the person?

leaving for los angeles.

love.

hmmm. put on standby today and was really surprised when i found out what flight i'd be activated for. leaving for taipei later, then to LA tomorrow (angie, come meet me in LA!) and as much as i try to change away US flights, there's no running away from it this time.

so after a few days of home-cooked dinner, wireless battle of suduko (thanks to nicky's PSP), tv watching, and cuddling, i can't say i'm really prepared to leave for such a long duration, but work is work, and the irony of it all? I was just online window-shopping and telling lou what i intend to buy when i go over to taipei early next month and i got activated. it seems like i have to spend my money earlier.

so i heard the new (well, already not-so-new) hotel in LA doesn't have much to offer. i guess it's back to prison breaking and spending money online.

and missing out on parties, bbqs (sausagesssss!) and all that i've had planned for the upcoming off days, including meeting up with someone in melbourne.

hokey! gotta go airport sooN!

if... you choose to lie, despite the fact that you know i already know the truth...

there's seriously nothing i can do.

well, i was totally prepared and packed for a boring weekend in zurich, because zurich on sundays is like a dead town, but surprise surprise! the once in three years Zuri Fascht was on!

so plans to go down to Bern were ditched, and we walked the fair immediately after we showered and changed. nearing the lake, some kind of a competition was being held, and as we walked nearer, we realised it was... a dragonboat competition. and then my craving for sausages and raclette took over, we feasted as we watched people dive from heights into the waters, games and ... well, alot more although we were pretty clueless as to what the festival was about. no one could tell us, and when we did manage to find some english speaking person all he could say was... it's just like a national day celebration. right. like that helps.

so it was reported that 2 million people came down to the fair, and fireworks lit the skies, but we missed all that because by evening we were dead beat and retreated back to the hotel for a good 12 hour sleep. and then back to the fair the next day, where we treated ourselves to a scrumptious mcdonald's lunch (laugh all you want you evil tweeps) and then more raclette and grocery shopping.

bern will always be there, but this one in three year celebration seldom comes by..

and a scrumptious dinner awaited, ending with a wireless battle of sudoku. heh heh heh.

sometimes the past catches up with us very unexpectedly. a surprised phone call, certain messages, and some afterthought left me wondering if i should have changed the course of my actions then. but what good could it have done? like what he said, to which i agree totally, time wasn't right and i was too caught up with the past. but if circumstances were different, i'm sure things would have been better. hmm.

and i don't know if it were because of all these happening in my life right now, someone bore the brunt of my frustration, a misunderstanding i caused. unhappiness and all, and it got me wondering for a long time why i changed and became like that. is it myself, or did someone or something cause this change in me? Joe said i had the temper of a stone, and it took him a while to believe that i now have a very short temper.

maybe i was not patient enough with you. maybe i should be more patient. that line stung. and i remember myself saying that when i was in a previous relationship. why have i lost myself when i moved on? and that constant blurb of uncertainty hits me when i least expect it. no matter how i brush it away, it comes back like an irritating fly.

ah wells.

oh! and we finished 24 season 6! FINALLY! yay! we can move on to other shows! no more season 7 until i'm done with most of the other shows that i want to watch. like desperately.

and my all-time favourite handsome cute boy:

what does it mean when you start to not know why you have changed into someone totally unlike yourself?

i don't even know if i get what i am talking abt.

angie is gonna leave us and go over to the STATES to look for cowboys. and because she's gonna rendezvous with many cowboys on her birthday, we kidnapped her and celebrated an early hatchday! well, probably calls for a good reason to celebrate cos my 2 princesses have been promoted at work and Lady Stella is moving on into another phase in life with Knight Javien.

*me, angie, stella*


*angie likes raw prawns.*




*my darling gal pals*

and what best to capture such happy moments with polaroids?





love you 2 always. *Smooooooooooooooch*
happy birthday angie. (one year older doesn't necessarily mean one year wiser so live with it.)

so 3 days back i baked a cheesecake, because i had a craving for it, and well, since i've not baked one in a while i thought it'd be good to fill the house with cheesecake smell. and because it's to be kept in the fridge for at least a few hours after it's cooled down from the hot oven, i kept trying not to drool over the cake.

fengmin came home and asked if she could eat. i told her no. my brother sms and asked if i could da-bao home for him, i told him no. so.. i waited, and waited, and waited, and just after one hour in the fridge i made fengmin my guinea pig. ho ho ho, luckily everyone like it enough to even ask for recipe.. me happy i can fatten up the whole wide world.

i'm wondering when this hot hot weather will go away. swimming everyday doesn't help. once my head is out of the water i felt myself perspiring. sigh. and my aircon is nowhere near functional. HELP!

nicky kept calling charcoal "truffles" when we were skype-ing the other night. today i tried to see if the name truffles got stuck in charcoal's head.

i called out "truffles!", and charcoal looked over.

THANKS HOR NICKY!

i fucking hate this.

i also want to feel safe. like... secure. and protected. and to know that .. what you tell me is the same as what you tell others.

sadly... it isn't so. and it made me feel that i'm not worthy.

*****

lawrence and i met up for lunch today, with a little baby girl in tow. because of my sudden craving for a&w's coney dog (which we no longer have the privilege to enjoy) i dragged him to superdog. and we chomped on our hotdogs in the dreaded hot weather. not that yummy but will do. and having a conversation which made me feel comfortable finally and a little adorable angel made the day in the heat all worth it.

*****

how does someone claim to love one, and yet not let go of the past? and think of someone else when you're together. why drag on with someone new when you constantly wonder if you want to get back to the past?

i fucking hate mind games, or people messing around with my heart, or anyone else's heart for that matter.

yes, you read that right. I FUCKING hate it. in due time, i suppose.

Breakdown by daughtry

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating it.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.

i am hooked on miso soup and soba noodles. and i think i overdosed on them.

and when i was in narita, i bought loads of rubbish. to the extent mum asked why she would even need brushes and sponges.

ah wells.

i'm on leave again, but this time i'm staying put at home.

*hugs*

we have made a convert from a non-mahjong player to a 'eh wanna mahjong tonight?' addict.

sigh. i am so evil.

'you took my breath away the first time we met,
and when you walked past your scent lingers.
my heart went with you when you smiled at me,
and when we shared our thoughts my soul left me.

much as i want i know it could never be,
this friendship is one i'd like to keep.
so be sure that, my little one,
i'll be around if you'll ever need me.'

found this note in my mailbox when i was at the airport earlier in the day... and till now, i don't know how i should reply to the sender.

sometimes i feel that i've inherited certain qualities of people i hang around too much with. hmm, simply put, whenever i leave a relationship, i realised i've become .. a little of him. and a little less myself. in a way, certain qualities of the ex-partner made me stronger than i was, but i miss the old me.

and because i couldn't stand how messy my room was, i started cleaning up. and then i didnt want to stop until i was done, so it's already 11pm and i am satisfied with the outcome of my room, but i am so dead. because i haven't painted my nails nor packed and i have to wake up around 4am.

die.
die.
sigh.

i am very disturbed.

because today when i opened up an email sent by miss stellalalalala, i saw my email address was saved under "Jenn thinks italian guys are hot."

how can like that?

some french guys are also quite cute. so are spanish guys.

sigh.

back from karachi.

a freaking long stay in karachi got me hooked onto alias and refusing to step out of the room for dinner just because i wanted to watch alias.

but this trip was a good one, with good people who eventually turned out as friends, and we spent hours on the phone just chatting, even though we were just a couple of doors away.

and Murakami's "Sputnik Sweetheart" got me thinking when i read the last few pages:

"So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us - that's snatched right out of our hands - the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind, leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."

"Maybe, in some distant place, everything is already, quietly, lost. Or at least there exists a silent place where everything can disappear, welding together in a single, overlapping figure. And as we live our lives we discover - drawing towards us the thin threads attached to each - what as many beautiful lost things as I could. Drawing them closer, holding on to them. Knowing all the while that their lives are fleeting."

so true.

these few days, i can't really differentiate between dreams and real life. some nights, i wake up in tears, and then i wonder, for a long while, if the dreams were real. then i get scared and confused, to the extent i'd call and check if it really happened.

ah wells.

today is father's day. think last year we had a chance to be at home and dine together at dinner, but this year, this year, well... i haven't even heard from him, apart from the fact that he's switched hospitals and is still in ICU.

oh well. just glad to have people around me who were able to cheer me up the past few days, even though we briefly know one another.

k gotta zzz.

harlow world.

back from melbourne, where i kinda thoroughly enjoyed the cold weather, back to the humid singapore.

today, i painted my nails 3 times. i just couldnt get it right! firstly the colour wasn't even. then the top coat wasn't shiny, then it got too thick it was ugly. so i redid everything and finally got satisfied at around... 1am.

and this afternoon, realising that the sofa was more conducive for sleeping, we plonked ourselves in front of the teeeeveeee and then fell asleep. someoneeeeee came by, saw us sleeping there, stood in front of us and SNAPPPPPPPPPP! when we were in our most horri-gible sleeping position. tsk! i will take revenge. just u wait!

by the way, i miss playing Worms Armaggaedon. Whhheeeee~!

i woke up after the nap with tears in my eyes and started crying. been having a lot of dreams recently, which felt so real, and many times i didn't want to wake up from the dream. then i revisited a lot of childhood places in my dream this afternoon. it all felt so real, so real.

is it always the case? when you're younger you wished and yearned so much to be older, and now that you're older, you wished you hadn't grown up at all?

although there's never a time too late, and always better now than never, but today i realised, i'll never ever get another chance to forge a bond with dad. i missed that chance a long time ago.

off to karachi (AGAIN) and hoping to get back the sleep i duly miss.

what's your current song?

qian asked me this question over msn, and i didn't know. my current song 1 month back (oh it was current then) was I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance.. so i ran through my song list and.. yeah this one.



Every little thing - Dishwalla

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

seriously, is it me or is it damn hot back here in singapore?

touched down from paris this morning, and then headed straight to the hospital. but well, it wasn't a pleasant time there and i drove home with tears falling out of my eyes.

then headed home for a short rest before i went over for my home-cooked requested carbonara. after which it was 4400 and then nap. i woke up halfway frustrated because it was SO FREAKING HOT i was perspiring profusely. argh.

and so i resolved not to move a single muscle so i wouldn't generate heat. i refused to turn on the lights so that i won't feel the heat emitting from the lights. and now back at home i'm seated in front of the fan, and i refuse to move.

a friend asked, how could you still be so energetic and lively and cheerful on board when you have so much at home to worry about? i don't know, probably being at work is my only escape from reality. it seems warped, though. but yeah.

i just wished things could have been different. yet when i try to put myself in their shoes i wonder if i would have done the same, or whether i would be more generous and forgiving. i just don't see the end of this thing.

oh, by the way, has anyone been watching cnn regularly? i always tune in to cnn, and my last night in paris i fell asleep with the tv on cnn.

the whole flight back, i had this song stuck in my head. disclaimer: i have nothing against malaysia or tourism malaysia ads but...

"malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, the mountains and the seaaaaaaaaaa............ malaysia truly asiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, discoverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

ARGH.

it's already 8.15pm over here in Paris but again, it's still bright and cheery outside. The sun is peeking through the leaves of the tree outside the window and i catch glimpses of the bright sun. i thought i'd hate this room, but then i've been spending a lot of time just staring out across the street and looking at people, and watching the cars drive by.

finally tomorrow i'm heading back home, and it's gonna be a long day, with going to the hospital after i touch down and then home. what do i enjoy about being away? the peace and quiet, and the fact that i can lose myself in the middle of a crowd.

last night, yves and i went down to La Seine and found ourselves a quaint little pub where we finally sat down to rest our poor feet. and after the usual cordial catching up on what's going on in our lives, yves said something which.. took me a good 3 minute to decipher.

Y: "tu sais, tu as un air de l'élégance sensual."
me: "eh.. quoi?"
y: "tu dis pourqoui?"
me: "non, je ne comprend pas ce que tu dis. mais, tu peux repeter?"
y: "i mean.. you are sensual in an elegant way. like sexy, tu comprends?"
me: "sexy say sexy lah, what l'élégance sensual."

so yeah, this is what you get when you have a true bred french with a true-bred singaporean with her french gone wrong. and from the other table, this australian was just gushing to her partner about how she felt that she has fallen in love with Paris in just 2 weeks. and how she feels that she can live in paris all her life.

almost immediately, i turned around and told yves honestly, as much as i love paris, i don't know if i can survive on bread that much. you don't have to, he said, as a matter of fact, just live on wines.

ok 12 more hours till i leave paris.

the love of my life...

i was just chatting with a friend, and then i started thinking about charcoal. how little puppies are taken away from their mothers a few weeks after birth and then when i brought charcoal home, all he has now is us. we're his family, and that's why he loves us with all his heart.

*cues* Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

anyway, i love him too. it's like.. he knows when i'm upset and all, and accompanies me when i need. though usually when i try talking to him he gives me this "huh" look.

ah wells...

here goes:



smooooooooch

it's 4am in Paris.

weirdly, June is supposed to be summer, but yesterday it was pretty chilly though the sun was shining brightly. Glad i had the hindsight to bring along my jacket.

Yves came down to meet me this time around, and because we haven't seen each other for about.. say 2 years? we spent the whole night talking and updating each other on our lives. and i mixed my french with 'lah's, 'leh's and it got him pretty confused for a while. heh heh heh.

ok, think i'm gonna get a bit more sleep.

queue-ing, mahjong and frika.

yesterday was a very very wonky day for me. with lack of sleep from the past few days, i terrorised zenn's frika while we were queueing up for DONUTS.

fengmin, zenn, debra, me

and in the queue, i did a lot of things. when the caucasian couple came up to us and asked fengmin wat we were queueing up for, i had half the mind to tell them 'i don't know, i saw the queue so we came here'. so i think it was a good thing they hadn't asked me. frika sported a mohawk, then some weird hairstyle, then those punk rock hairstyle, then it became an out of bed hairstyle, and then i gave him a rambo head band. FOR TWO FREAKING HOURS WE WERE IN THE FREAKING QUEUE!

oh and for a while frika grew wings.


meet frikaaaaaaa!


extreme makeover

so this guy at the shop bluffed us. said shop would only be opened at 12.30pm when we were there at 9 plus, so we went for coffee at starbucks and sat and waited, talked abt everything and anything from people we see to news we read and then when we went down at 11 plus, THE QUEUE WAS ALREADY THERE!!!

and to think the last i ever queued up for anything was the toilets.


donut madness

donuts were... alright though, loved the PEANUT BUTTER GLAZED i heart heart peanut butter. then we lunched at ding tai feng, and i told the girls if anyone were to run away with my donuts i will chase them and whack my bag over their head. and we forced zenn to play mahjong, and her beginner's luck was SUPER GOOD SHE WON MONEY FROM ME AAAAAAARGH.

and when i told them about mysterious ants devouring food no one seemed to believe until.... one box of donuts got raided by ants. and i think i was lucky to have spotted it, otherwise the box of donuts would have been carried away by the ants. i hate ants. i hate mosquitoes. i hate houseflies and i hate maggots.

yes, we found maggots, but that's one thing i dont want to remember.

so there. yesterday's eventful day marked the end of my leave (boo hooo hoooooo) and tonight i'm going to work again.

sigh.

SIGH.

but Paris, here i come! hopefully this time the strike situation is resolved.

angels brought me here..

sent by someone all the way from melbourne, and thank you. it came in the very traditional snail mail, with the song in the cd.

It’s been a long and winding journey,
But I’m finally here tonight picking up the pieces walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes

My dreams came true when I found you; I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here

Nothing here before you
Feels like I’ve been born again
Every breath is your LOVE
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true right here in front of you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angles brought me here

It brought me here, to be with you
Ill be forever grateful, forever thankful

My dreams came true when I found you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers, oh...
And if u could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear that angels brought me here

You know I love you baby
And if you could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here
~angels brought me here, guy sebastian

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:50:38 AM)
u dun have to fight time, over time, only the gd ones remain and the bad ones vanish

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:01 AM)
waat if..

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:15 AM)
what u're fighting with is someone's good memories?

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:46 AM)
then i must say u're losing a battle

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:53 AM)
from a psychological perspective

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:58:15 AM)
unless u can make the present moment better than those memories, u'll always be 2nd place

i dont know the reason for the existence of mosquitoes, ants, and houseflies.

i hate them.

that's all for this entry ok goodbye.

way back into love...

yeah I know i'm more than a bit late to love this song, but yeah. I love it. I wish I could find a way back into love, or someone who can show me the way to. But then again, will I ever be prepared, to let my heart get broken all over again? I want to, but I want to, knowing that i've loved and lost, i've been loved, and not... not just .... having to contend with things I can't control.

what the fuck am i talking about? sigh.



Way Back Into Love lyrics

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Oh oh oh

My leave is almost half gone, and so far everything's a-ok. Koh Samui was real fun, and well, despite the fact that it was so last minute-ly booked, the resort was really quite nice.

Well, at least up till the last night, when I woke up feeling very very hot cos the air conditioner broke down in the room. So I called the reception and the rising temperature did nothing to calm my frenzied nerves.

me: "hi, morning, sorry, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "morning ma'am. you want wake-up call?"
me: "huh? no, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "you want wake-up call? what time?"
me: "No, i don't need any wake-up calls, the air conditioner is spoilt!"
receptionist: "what time? what time?"
me: "NO, NO Wake up calls! Airconditioner is spoilt, very hot!"
receptionist: "ooooohhh.. air conditioner spoilt. ok, i send someone, 5 minutes."
me: "... thank you."

well, so yeah, apart from this incident the rest of the trip went pretty well.

Anyway I thought through a lot of things after this trip, and yeah, maybe things could be different, but at the moment, I wonder if they'd ever change. I know, i know, what i am talking about is very very vague, but when it comes to matters of the heart it'll never be clear. Sometimes, no matter how similar two people are, no one can ever replace the first one who occupied that special place in your heart.

And i doubt i'll ever be that one. I can't fight with memories. I can't contend with what the past held and what the future could have been. Could that sudden realization be the reason why I haven't been happy recently? Possibly.

sigh. I can't do it after all.

Haven't been watching Grey's Anatomy for quite a while, and today, while blog surfing, I came upon this put up by Ting. And I remembered what happened in that episode. I guess very apt for me somewhat.

From Grey’s…

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross."

"I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…"

Yeah, I guess we never give up hope. But somehow, there has to come a day where we stop hoping.

and yeah, I am back from Koh Samui.

I'll be heading to Koh Samui tomorrow evening for my long deserved (short) holiday!

Great sand, great weather, and lots of cute topless hunks please!!

*smoooch*

buh bye!

Koh Samui... here i come!

second day of leave: more bumming. Finished Prison Break season 1 (yes i know i am behind time) and continued bumming.

Sigh. Planning for a short getaway, but it seems so difficult and tedious, probably because I've done enough planning for Spain and then didn't get to go I feel very tired of planning and checking out already.

I was just telling Gigi that I used to dream about just going to the airport, and getting a ticket and just fly to anywhere i feel like going at that moment. But in my dream, no money was involved. Aihz. If only it were that simple in real life.

So initially it was between Koh Samui and Krabi. But then after a talk with Sheldon I have more choices. Argh.

Sigh.

I'm so tired of doing it. Maybe cos i'm just lazy lah.

aiyoh.

hahaha
hahaha
hahahaha
hahahahaha
hahahahahhaa

i am happy, because, I am officially on leave! Though plans to Spain have been officially thwarted, I might be heading out to.. taipei, or hongkong.

Ah well, see how things go.

Ok time to slack!

*cough cough*

i..*cough* have this blar..*cough*..dee cough that i *cough* can't get rid of.

2 more days, 2 more flights till my leave starts!

another round of crazy back-to-back flights, just because I haven't been to Taipei for a while. and it took the very nice colleague a good 4 hours on board to coax me to go shopping with her. So after we checked into the hotel i crashedddddd, and then woke up in the evening to go shopping and in search for food.

Ah well, tomorrow's a short turn (hopefullY) and then saturday one more one more and my leave.

ok my fever's not leaving me.
sigh.

just 2 more days!

Bonjour madame!

bonjour, ca va?

Ca va bien, bien! et, vous?

ah, non, pas bien, je ne me sens pas bien.

et pourquoi? Vous avez besoin d'un doctuer?

non, merci, j'ai besoin dormir. A bientot!

the short conversation I had with the hotel staff i bumped into when I was trying to drag my bag into the room. Touched down in Paris with a slight fever, and I slept the whole day away after I unpacked my stuffs.

Gonna go out for a walk tomorrow. Probably the fresh air (and cute french men) will cure me.

me thinks it's not easy. especially when i'm starting to feel a lot more than i thought i'd ever would. and now i know i feel strongly about this. and it scares me, makes me vulnerable.

***

i'm so burnt it ain't funny. itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, Mum even said i no longer need to put on any blusher. by right, i'm supposed to take my nap before my long flight tonight but i think i'll just forget about it.

and i heard great news from Lady S while i was in the cab on the way home two nights back, I was so happy and excited for her but i couldnt scream or jump because i had to protect my image (yes, yes, in front of the taxi driver), and so i had to contain my excitement with "OH I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" in hushed whispers. hee.

Mr J, you've been warned. I have already a list of things to torture you before you finally get to marry our dear friend.

:)

***

Paris tonight, a change done to give away my San Francisco flight. Just didn't want to be too far away for too long.

the heart yearns to speak but the mind won't listen.

sunkissed!

i am oh-so-red and lobster-y now I think I look horrendous.

So this morning looked like a great day, and because i went to bed thinking about going to swim the next day, after lunch, we slacked about a bit, and I asked FM, who was lucky enough to be sent home by her GM to go swim. So we did go, and I continued swimming after she left with N.

and i think i was in the pool for probably about 2 hours or so... and the result? red red sunburnt skin.

I thought i didn't get enough of a tan, so when i headed up i plonked myself on the daybed at the balcony and went into weird positions so i could get a tan since the sun looked so good.

headed to vivocity, and i think i am slowly getting my bearings right at that place. Zenn n gracie came over to cook dinner for us, but because we felt hungry after the swim i didn't get to taste the pasta and the portobello mushroom! (i heart mushrooms...)

and, it was a manicure session for both zenn and i. what to do when our job requires us to be able to paint our nails anytime anywhere?

and sometimes things i do, i just seem to make it worse. i don't know how to be someone's source of happiness and comfort.

oh no, i am rambling cos i am going to fall asleep any moment.

goood night or is it morning?

of nail painting...

(Yippee! finally finished season 5 of 24!!!)

One thing that my job entails me to do, and it is a MUST, is to paint my nails red. To me, it is a painstaking process simply because i don't like to paint my nails every other day. And i try not to leave the colour on for too long for fear of my nails turning yellow (believe me, I've seen nails which have been stained to the point of no return).

So one day before every flight i'll be locked in my room for at least an hour to do this vain project.

It's the base coat first, wait to dry, first red coat, wait to dry, second red coat, wait to dry, fast drying top coat, smoke and wait to dry.

and when I first started out, i was so particular about having perfectly painted nails, to the extent if i should smudge one nail, i would remove the nail polish on all my nails and start all over again. Nowadays, I just redo that nail.

coming from someone whom about 2 years ago, never did her own nails, and indulged in only french manicure once a month.

So now I am waiting for my nails to dry.

And you know what?

I have a sudden urge to pee. *RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!*

how're YOU doing?

This afternoon as I was standing at my bedroom window indulging in one of my vices, I saw a guy suntanning at the pool. And he had a really toned body with 6-pecs. I wonder why I've never seen him around before. I casually mentioned it to S, who just replied, "Must be gay."

And then, I flicked my ciggie ash towards him. All the way from 8th storey.

Greetings from above, dude.

I think my trip to Spain won't materialise after all. It's my fault for procrastinating the booking of the tickets, and now it's full, not only that, even if I reverse my itinerary, head down to Spain via Rome and Venice, it's not gonna be possible because the flight to Rome is full as well! And now I'm so angry with myself for spoiling my own holiday. Sigh. Should have booked the tickets earlier, instead of trying to work out the best plan to tour Barcelona and Venice. So what if I have my itinerary set up? I have no tickets there.

Oh I wanna cry. But before that, I wanna kick myself in the ass.

Sigh.

Then there's this crazy change of flights that I'm trying to do, and probably in the end I won't be changing the flight after all. I don't know what it is about Paris that I love, but I really adore that city. Yeah, the French might be snobbish in some people's view, but well, I adore the quaint little towns and the hidden shops.

(Oh, that goes for my love for Venice as well, WHICH I won't get to see this year. And no, the flight to Paris is full as well due to the holiday season and so I can't go Paris during my leave toO~!)

Sorta made a friend on board, and well, as she shared her story I figured I could relate somehow, though most of the time I don't understand why she had to do certain things she did. And I thought about my previous relationship, and how I managed to make that step to move out of the rut that I was stuck in. Certain things she said reminded me of the past though. And I wonder if love drives people to extremes, to places that they'd never ever thought they would go to. And if love hurts, why love at all? Yes, pain is addictive, and it's the only thing that reminds us that we're still alive... but how much pain can one go through before it's over?

You painstakingly love someone, give your all for him or her, to find out that probably it was all pretty much one-sided. And then you hang on, hoping that things will change, yet when they don't, you continue hanging on, just because you've put in so much effort you can't bear to lose it, the mere thought of having to start over again, getting to know someone else all over again tires you out. So slowly you become more and more unhappy, less and less satisfied.

Vicious cycle, this love thing. It eats you from inside out.

...

No cute Spanish guys nor charming Italian men this year.

argh.

life without tv sucks.

The TV in my room is acting up, and I have to smack the TV a couple of times before I can finally watch any kind of programs.

So I didn't get called up for flight yesterday, which was a first! And then I went to watch Spiderman 3, which, kinda is very different from what was in the comics. Damn. But well, I think Spidey in the black suit looks rather good though.

I guess slowly I am getting used to the fact that it's gonna be this way for quite a while in the family. No calls, no news, and the inevitable fact that we have to shift out by the end of this year actually makes me wonder if I should even spend money for my trip after all.

But we all deserve a break now and then, don't we? And it somehow might be good for me to head out alone too.

All this giddy spells I've been getting everyday doesn't help. ARghhhh.

it feels weird lah.

Somehow I still don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel when in such a position. But well, I can't control it, can i?

So the experience on this new aircraft ain't that bad after all, but I feel like i've worked till i'm about to drop dead.

Didn't do much in Zurich though, headed out to the Old Town and walked about a bit... Finally I'm headed to Paris again. Je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime!

ouchhhhhh
cramps hurt.

ouuuuuuuuuucccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the weather's been erratic, and so has my moods.

But still, I managed to go for a bit of a tan session and swim with Gigi. Just the other night as I was leaving NP, I looked up into the sky, and I saw many stars despite the fact that the area I was in was brightly lit. One hope per star. I hope my wishes come true.

i have no mood

for anything.

All I want to do now is to just stay home and be near to family. I finally broke down when I was in Melbourne. Walking around, I couldn't help but think about things happening at home, and then when I went back to the hotel, I sat at the window, stared out into the distance at a ferris wheel lighting up, and I started sobbing.

Poor friends and mum got shocked when I called and then sobbed into the phone.

But it always feels good after a cry.

So yeah.

Oh cry has no vowels in it, and wry, shy, dry, try...

k bye.

I'm in a very random mode now. Sigh.

You know (actually I don't think you know), when people ask what scares me most, I'd always say losing my memory. I have many things I never bother to jot down or to make a picture of, many memories which can date back to even when I was 4 or 5 years old, things which I remember vividly even till today. And the worst thing that could happen? I lose my memory and I lose all those happy, sad, angry, grieving... moments that I treasure so deeply.

It's scary, to wake up one day, staring at the ceiling and suddenly not remembering what had happened in your life before you woke up, wondering if you've ever loved and lost, wondering if you've ever been happy. Wondering if you've ever been bad, if you've ever broken anyone's hearts, or if you've ever grieved for a loved one. Wondering if you've ever felt love, anger, hate, hurt, sadness all at once. Wondering if... you've ever lived at all.

Isn't it scary?

It is, to me. And I can lose anything, just not my memory.

Oh and charcoal. Oh and my family. Oh and.. ah well.

I ate many egg tarts today. I'm gonna be so so so so sick.

...and so i guess...

...that every relationship does have their honeymoon period, and it probably goes downhill from then on.

On the way back, R was just talking to me about how people change. And it somehow stung me quite a bit, and I feel very... scared and afraid.

I guess there's nothing much for anyone to do except to sit and wait.

Paris, je te manques!

Watching View From The Top on tv and seeing the sights of Paris again, made me miss the City of Romance even more. In a way, the training for the new aircraft does finally give me the possibility of getting flights to Paris again, but I don't really look forward to working on that aircraft.

Argh.

Oh how I miss Paris.

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a groovy kind of love...

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing near my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When I kiss your lips, ooh I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, I dont care
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

We got a groovy kind of love


Soppy, cheesy, but yeah. :)

waiting...

... is the worst thing to do when your heart and mind are in a big, big mess.

been cancelling appointments with friends and all, just because I don't have the mood to go. I wish dad'll be ok.

Sigh. Who goes to China without going for massage? Me. My back hurts, and doctor's orders were to stay away from massages for a while. So I can only let them attack my feet. But it ain't gonna be enough!!

Anyway anyway, my favourite ice cream! http://www.benjerry.com.sg/ Go visit the site! They are giving out free ice cream on 17 April! Anyone around to join me in getting fat?

Ok I am tired. I just touched down not too long ago and I fought a war on board. hehehe

i lurve medicated plasters.

Ouch.

Pain.

Aack.

I love medicated plasters on my back.

One thing I love about London is the long walks in the park. I pretty much enjoy the solitude sometimes, and walking from Hyde Park to Kensington Park gives me the chance to actually set my mind at ease. Another reason why I love London is the fact that I can meet up with friends here.

And on my way to High Street Kensington:


A squirrel!
the little thing was busy peeling its acorn, and when he saw me coming, he ran off to another corner and buried the nut in the ground.

Heading home tomorrow, and meeting the guys after I touch down.

:)