damage to wallet today.. is half the allowance gone. bought lots of medication for someone, in the hope that it'd ease his sinus problems somehow, and my sleeping pills and super strong flu medication (you know, just in case..) and not forgetting my teeny little wee bit shopping done.

so the new hotel ain't that bad after all. if you're willing to walk a little u'll find everything, including a supermarket. hmm, a hypermarket more like it. no one wanted to walk there with me after the shopping done at the mall this afternoon, all saying it's too far and all, so i decided to take an evening jog there and visit that area. i never realised my right ankle is getting really really weak, with old sprains, until abt 10 minutes into the run, it kinda dislocated. well, it felt like my ankle fell off. and i had to slowly limp the whole way there, and the way back. ouch.

and in the afternoon, alvin gave me a piece of advice, "i've learnt never to trust maps in US." which, i found to be ABSOLUTELY true when i went in search of 'food 4 less' just now. the map indicated that it was before a particular junction, BUT, when i reached that junction i saw no signs of it. and because i limped all the way there i refused to give up, and walked further down. AND VOILAAAAAA! it was about 5 minutes FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD!! (#**&$#(*@#(*)(%

so yeah. i made it there. and bought all the sleeping pills i could find for my insomnia. and also all the strong strong sinus medication. ho ho ho i feel so learned, reading through all the medical terms and ingredients. and i bumped into someone when i reached the hotel and he went "ARE YOU CRAZY?? u should have taken the cab there! it's so far!"

legs are meant for walking my dear.

lalalala, i love love love pancakes and waffles in the morning. but now i am nursing my poor ankle.

fireworks at disneyland lit the sky and though i've never been a fan of such things, it still managed to brighten up my day. or night. whatever.

ok lesson learnt: never trust maps in US.

so i just checked into the hotel not too long ago. and while queueing up at the airport in LA to clear the customs, the crew from another airline asked me out for drinks downtown. he's cute, but i'll pass. right now it's just past midnight and i should really be sleeping, but i just can't get to sleep.

and mum said charcoal's been naughty naughty, peeing in my room just because i didn't spend enough time with him and because i scolded him over the phone last night. now he refuses to listen to me over the phone, putting his paw over his ear whenever mum tries to put the receiver near him. so irritating.

i got the room on the sundeck level, and there's a party going on outside my room. felt like taking a peek but i'm shy.

so yeah.

decided not to forgo my off days to maintain my original roster, time for a well deserved break somehow.

i don't get enough rest anyway. *yawn*

ok i shall indulge in myself a little on this trip.

nitey world.

being 2nd best.

it's always a wonder how rare it is for us to end up marrying the person we loved most. and then we end up marrying someone whom we love, but still think about the one we could have married.

and then years later, you realise he is thinking the same too.

so i say, love isn't the scariest thing on earth. marriage is.

if our paths find their way back, it still wouldn't be the same, for we loved who were in the relationship then, and not the present now. are we in love with memories? or the person?

leaving for los angeles.

love.

hmmm. put on standby today and was really surprised when i found out what flight i'd be activated for. leaving for taipei later, then to LA tomorrow (angie, come meet me in LA!) and as much as i try to change away US flights, there's no running away from it this time.

so after a few days of home-cooked dinner, wireless battle of suduko (thanks to nicky's PSP), tv watching, and cuddling, i can't say i'm really prepared to leave for such a long duration, but work is work, and the irony of it all? I was just online window-shopping and telling lou what i intend to buy when i go over to taipei early next month and i got activated. it seems like i have to spend my money earlier.

so i heard the new (well, already not-so-new) hotel in LA doesn't have much to offer. i guess it's back to prison breaking and spending money online.

and missing out on parties, bbqs (sausagesssss!) and all that i've had planned for the upcoming off days, including meeting up with someone in melbourne.

hokey! gotta go airport sooN!

if... you choose to lie, despite the fact that you know i already know the truth...

there's seriously nothing i can do.

well, i was totally prepared and packed for a boring weekend in zurich, because zurich on sundays is like a dead town, but surprise surprise! the once in three years Zuri Fascht was on!

so plans to go down to Bern were ditched, and we walked the fair immediately after we showered and changed. nearing the lake, some kind of a competition was being held, and as we walked nearer, we realised it was... a dragonboat competition. and then my craving for sausages and raclette took over, we feasted as we watched people dive from heights into the waters, games and ... well, alot more although we were pretty clueless as to what the festival was about. no one could tell us, and when we did manage to find some english speaking person all he could say was... it's just like a national day celebration. right. like that helps.

so it was reported that 2 million people came down to the fair, and fireworks lit the skies, but we missed all that because by evening we were dead beat and retreated back to the hotel for a good 12 hour sleep. and then back to the fair the next day, where we treated ourselves to a scrumptious mcdonald's lunch (laugh all you want you evil tweeps) and then more raclette and grocery shopping.

bern will always be there, but this one in three year celebration seldom comes by..

and a scrumptious dinner awaited, ending with a wireless battle of sudoku. heh heh heh.

sometimes the past catches up with us very unexpectedly. a surprised phone call, certain messages, and some afterthought left me wondering if i should have changed the course of my actions then. but what good could it have done? like what he said, to which i agree totally, time wasn't right and i was too caught up with the past. but if circumstances were different, i'm sure things would have been better. hmm.

and i don't know if it were because of all these happening in my life right now, someone bore the brunt of my frustration, a misunderstanding i caused. unhappiness and all, and it got me wondering for a long time why i changed and became like that. is it myself, or did someone or something cause this change in me? Joe said i had the temper of a stone, and it took him a while to believe that i now have a very short temper.

maybe i was not patient enough with you. maybe i should be more patient. that line stung. and i remember myself saying that when i was in a previous relationship. why have i lost myself when i moved on? and that constant blurb of uncertainty hits me when i least expect it. no matter how i brush it away, it comes back like an irritating fly.

ah wells.

oh! and we finished 24 season 6! FINALLY! yay! we can move on to other shows! no more season 7 until i'm done with most of the other shows that i want to watch. like desperately.

and my all-time favourite handsome cute boy:

what does it mean when you start to not know why you have changed into someone totally unlike yourself?

i don't even know if i get what i am talking abt.

angie is gonna leave us and go over to the STATES to look for cowboys. and because she's gonna rendezvous with many cowboys on her birthday, we kidnapped her and celebrated an early hatchday! well, probably calls for a good reason to celebrate cos my 2 princesses have been promoted at work and Lady Stella is moving on into another phase in life with Knight Javien.

*me, angie, stella*


*angie likes raw prawns.*




*my darling gal pals*

and what best to capture such happy moments with polaroids?





love you 2 always. *Smooooooooooooooch*
happy birthday angie. (one year older doesn't necessarily mean one year wiser so live with it.)

so 3 days back i baked a cheesecake, because i had a craving for it, and well, since i've not baked one in a while i thought it'd be good to fill the house with cheesecake smell. and because it's to be kept in the fridge for at least a few hours after it's cooled down from the hot oven, i kept trying not to drool over the cake.

fengmin came home and asked if she could eat. i told her no. my brother sms and asked if i could da-bao home for him, i told him no. so.. i waited, and waited, and waited, and just after one hour in the fridge i made fengmin my guinea pig. ho ho ho, luckily everyone like it enough to even ask for recipe.. me happy i can fatten up the whole wide world.

i'm wondering when this hot hot weather will go away. swimming everyday doesn't help. once my head is out of the water i felt myself perspiring. sigh. and my aircon is nowhere near functional. HELP!

nicky kept calling charcoal "truffles" when we were skype-ing the other night. today i tried to see if the name truffles got stuck in charcoal's head.

i called out "truffles!", and charcoal looked over.

THANKS HOR NICKY!

i fucking hate this.

i also want to feel safe. like... secure. and protected. and to know that .. what you tell me is the same as what you tell others.

sadly... it isn't so. and it made me feel that i'm not worthy.

*****

lawrence and i met up for lunch today, with a little baby girl in tow. because of my sudden craving for a&w's coney dog (which we no longer have the privilege to enjoy) i dragged him to superdog. and we chomped on our hotdogs in the dreaded hot weather. not that yummy but will do. and having a conversation which made me feel comfortable finally and a little adorable angel made the day in the heat all worth it.

*****

how does someone claim to love one, and yet not let go of the past? and think of someone else when you're together. why drag on with someone new when you constantly wonder if you want to get back to the past?

i fucking hate mind games, or people messing around with my heart, or anyone else's heart for that matter.

yes, you read that right. I FUCKING hate it. in due time, i suppose.

Breakdown by daughtry

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating it.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.

i am hooked on miso soup and soba noodles. and i think i overdosed on them.

and when i was in narita, i bought loads of rubbish. to the extent mum asked why she would even need brushes and sponges.

ah wells.

i'm on leave again, but this time i'm staying put at home.

*hugs*

we have made a convert from a non-mahjong player to a 'eh wanna mahjong tonight?' addict.

sigh. i am so evil.

'you took my breath away the first time we met,
and when you walked past your scent lingers.
my heart went with you when you smiled at me,
and when we shared our thoughts my soul left me.

much as i want i know it could never be,
this friendship is one i'd like to keep.
so be sure that, my little one,
i'll be around if you'll ever need me.'

found this note in my mailbox when i was at the airport earlier in the day... and till now, i don't know how i should reply to the sender.

sometimes i feel that i've inherited certain qualities of people i hang around too much with. hmm, simply put, whenever i leave a relationship, i realised i've become .. a little of him. and a little less myself. in a way, certain qualities of the ex-partner made me stronger than i was, but i miss the old me.

and because i couldn't stand how messy my room was, i started cleaning up. and then i didnt want to stop until i was done, so it's already 11pm and i am satisfied with the outcome of my room, but i am so dead. because i haven't painted my nails nor packed and i have to wake up around 4am.

die.
die.
sigh.

i am very disturbed.

because today when i opened up an email sent by miss stellalalalala, i saw my email address was saved under "Jenn thinks italian guys are hot."

how can like that?

some french guys are also quite cute. so are spanish guys.

sigh.

back from karachi.

a freaking long stay in karachi got me hooked onto alias and refusing to step out of the room for dinner just because i wanted to watch alias.

but this trip was a good one, with good people who eventually turned out as friends, and we spent hours on the phone just chatting, even though we were just a couple of doors away.

and Murakami's "Sputnik Sweetheart" got me thinking when i read the last few pages:

"So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us - that's snatched right out of our hands - the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind, leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."

"Maybe, in some distant place, everything is already, quietly, lost. Or at least there exists a silent place where everything can disappear, welding together in a single, overlapping figure. And as we live our lives we discover - drawing towards us the thin threads attached to each - what as many beautiful lost things as I could. Drawing them closer, holding on to them. Knowing all the while that their lives are fleeting."

so true.

these few days, i can't really differentiate between dreams and real life. some nights, i wake up in tears, and then i wonder, for a long while, if the dreams were real. then i get scared and confused, to the extent i'd call and check if it really happened.

ah wells.

today is father's day. think last year we had a chance to be at home and dine together at dinner, but this year, this year, well... i haven't even heard from him, apart from the fact that he's switched hospitals and is still in ICU.

oh well. just glad to have people around me who were able to cheer me up the past few days, even though we briefly know one another.

k gotta zzz.

harlow world.

back from melbourne, where i kinda thoroughly enjoyed the cold weather, back to the humid singapore.

today, i painted my nails 3 times. i just couldnt get it right! firstly the colour wasn't even. then the top coat wasn't shiny, then it got too thick it was ugly. so i redid everything and finally got satisfied at around... 1am.

and this afternoon, realising that the sofa was more conducive for sleeping, we plonked ourselves in front of the teeeeveeee and then fell asleep. someoneeeeee came by, saw us sleeping there, stood in front of us and SNAPPPPPPPPPP! when we were in our most horri-gible sleeping position. tsk! i will take revenge. just u wait!

by the way, i miss playing Worms Armaggaedon. Whhheeeee~!

i woke up after the nap with tears in my eyes and started crying. been having a lot of dreams recently, which felt so real, and many times i didn't want to wake up from the dream. then i revisited a lot of childhood places in my dream this afternoon. it all felt so real, so real.

is it always the case? when you're younger you wished and yearned so much to be older, and now that you're older, you wished you hadn't grown up at all?

although there's never a time too late, and always better now than never, but today i realised, i'll never ever get another chance to forge a bond with dad. i missed that chance a long time ago.

off to karachi (AGAIN) and hoping to get back the sleep i duly miss.

what's your current song?

qian asked me this question over msn, and i didn't know. my current song 1 month back (oh it was current then) was I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance.. so i ran through my song list and.. yeah this one.



Every little thing - Dishwalla

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

seriously, is it me or is it damn hot back here in singapore?

touched down from paris this morning, and then headed straight to the hospital. but well, it wasn't a pleasant time there and i drove home with tears falling out of my eyes.

then headed home for a short rest before i went over for my home-cooked requested carbonara. after which it was 4400 and then nap. i woke up halfway frustrated because it was SO FREAKING HOT i was perspiring profusely. argh.

and so i resolved not to move a single muscle so i wouldn't generate heat. i refused to turn on the lights so that i won't feel the heat emitting from the lights. and now back at home i'm seated in front of the fan, and i refuse to move.

a friend asked, how could you still be so energetic and lively and cheerful on board when you have so much at home to worry about? i don't know, probably being at work is my only escape from reality. it seems warped, though. but yeah.

i just wished things could have been different. yet when i try to put myself in their shoes i wonder if i would have done the same, or whether i would be more generous and forgiving. i just don't see the end of this thing.

oh, by the way, has anyone been watching cnn regularly? i always tune in to cnn, and my last night in paris i fell asleep with the tv on cnn.

the whole flight back, i had this song stuck in my head. disclaimer: i have nothing against malaysia or tourism malaysia ads but...

"malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, the mountains and the seaaaaaaaaaa............ malaysia truly asiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, discoverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, malaysia truly asiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

ARGH.

it's already 8.15pm over here in Paris but again, it's still bright and cheery outside. The sun is peeking through the leaves of the tree outside the window and i catch glimpses of the bright sun. i thought i'd hate this room, but then i've been spending a lot of time just staring out across the street and looking at people, and watching the cars drive by.

finally tomorrow i'm heading back home, and it's gonna be a long day, with going to the hospital after i touch down and then home. what do i enjoy about being away? the peace and quiet, and the fact that i can lose myself in the middle of a crowd.

last night, yves and i went down to La Seine and found ourselves a quaint little pub where we finally sat down to rest our poor feet. and after the usual cordial catching up on what's going on in our lives, yves said something which.. took me a good 3 minute to decipher.

Y: "tu sais, tu as un air de l'élégance sensual."
me: "eh.. quoi?"
y: "tu dis pourqoui?"
me: "non, je ne comprend pas ce que tu dis. mais, tu peux repeter?"
y: "i mean.. you are sensual in an elegant way. like sexy, tu comprends?"
me: "sexy say sexy lah, what l'élégance sensual."

so yeah, this is what you get when you have a true bred french with a true-bred singaporean with her french gone wrong. and from the other table, this australian was just gushing to her partner about how she felt that she has fallen in love with Paris in just 2 weeks. and how she feels that she can live in paris all her life.

almost immediately, i turned around and told yves honestly, as much as i love paris, i don't know if i can survive on bread that much. you don't have to, he said, as a matter of fact, just live on wines.

ok 12 more hours till i leave paris.

the love of my life...

i was just chatting with a friend, and then i started thinking about charcoal. how little puppies are taken away from their mothers a few weeks after birth and then when i brought charcoal home, all he has now is us. we're his family, and that's why he loves us with all his heart.

*cues* Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

anyway, i love him too. it's like.. he knows when i'm upset and all, and accompanies me when i need. though usually when i try talking to him he gives me this "huh" look.

ah wells...

here goes:



smooooooooch

it's 4am in Paris.

weirdly, June is supposed to be summer, but yesterday it was pretty chilly though the sun was shining brightly. Glad i had the hindsight to bring along my jacket.

Yves came down to meet me this time around, and because we haven't seen each other for about.. say 2 years? we spent the whole night talking and updating each other on our lives. and i mixed my french with 'lah's, 'leh's and it got him pretty confused for a while. heh heh heh.

ok, think i'm gonna get a bit more sleep.

queue-ing, mahjong and frika.

yesterday was a very very wonky day for me. with lack of sleep from the past few days, i terrorised zenn's frika while we were queueing up for DONUTS.

fengmin, zenn, debra, me

and in the queue, i did a lot of things. when the caucasian couple came up to us and asked fengmin wat we were queueing up for, i had half the mind to tell them 'i don't know, i saw the queue so we came here'. so i think it was a good thing they hadn't asked me. frika sported a mohawk, then some weird hairstyle, then those punk rock hairstyle, then it became an out of bed hairstyle, and then i gave him a rambo head band. FOR TWO FREAKING HOURS WE WERE IN THE FREAKING QUEUE!

oh and for a while frika grew wings.


meet frikaaaaaaa!


extreme makeover

so this guy at the shop bluffed us. said shop would only be opened at 12.30pm when we were there at 9 plus, so we went for coffee at starbucks and sat and waited, talked abt everything and anything from people we see to news we read and then when we went down at 11 plus, THE QUEUE WAS ALREADY THERE!!!

and to think the last i ever queued up for anything was the toilets.


donut madness

donuts were... alright though, loved the PEANUT BUTTER GLAZED i heart heart peanut butter. then we lunched at ding tai feng, and i told the girls if anyone were to run away with my donuts i will chase them and whack my bag over their head. and we forced zenn to play mahjong, and her beginner's luck was SUPER GOOD SHE WON MONEY FROM ME AAAAAAARGH.

and when i told them about mysterious ants devouring food no one seemed to believe until.... one box of donuts got raided by ants. and i think i was lucky to have spotted it, otherwise the box of donuts would have been carried away by the ants. i hate ants. i hate mosquitoes. i hate houseflies and i hate maggots.

yes, we found maggots, but that's one thing i dont want to remember.

so there. yesterday's eventful day marked the end of my leave (boo hooo hoooooo) and tonight i'm going to work again.

sigh.

SIGH.

but Paris, here i come! hopefully this time the strike situation is resolved.

angels brought me here..

sent by someone all the way from melbourne, and thank you. it came in the very traditional snail mail, with the song in the cd.

It’s been a long and winding journey,
But I’m finally here tonight picking up the pieces walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes

My dreams came true when I found you; I found you, my miracle

If you could see what I see
That you’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here

Nothing here before you
Feels like I’ve been born again
Every breath is your LOVE
Every heartbeat speaks your name

My dreams came true right here in front of you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel the tenderness I feel
You would know it would be clear, that angles brought me here

It brought me here, to be with you
Ill be forever grateful, forever thankful

My dreams came true when I found you my miracle

If you could see what I see
You’re the answer to my prayers, oh...
And if u could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear that angels brought me here

You know I love you baby
And if you could feel the tenderness I Feel
You would know it would be clear, that angels brought me here
~angels brought me here, guy sebastian

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:50:38 AM)
u dun have to fight time, over time, only the gd ones remain and the bad ones vanish

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:01 AM)
waat if..

*help ::jenn:: i can't fight with memories says: (11:57:15 AM)
what u're fighting with is someone's good memories?

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:46 AM)
then i must say u're losing a battle

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:57:53 AM)
from a psychological perspective

<<>> Read about my India experience at the link http://natnosneb.blogspot.com/ says: (11:58:15 AM)
unless u can make the present moment better than those memories, u'll always be 2nd place

i dont know the reason for the existence of mosquitoes, ants, and houseflies.

i hate them.

that's all for this entry ok goodbye.

way back into love...

yeah I know i'm more than a bit late to love this song, but yeah. I love it. I wish I could find a way back into love, or someone who can show me the way to. But then again, will I ever be prepared, to let my heart get broken all over again? I want to, but I want to, knowing that i've loved and lost, i've been loved, and not... not just .... having to contend with things I can't control.

what the fuck am i talking about? sigh.



Way Back Into Love lyrics

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Oh oh oh

My leave is almost half gone, and so far everything's a-ok. Koh Samui was real fun, and well, despite the fact that it was so last minute-ly booked, the resort was really quite nice.

Well, at least up till the last night, when I woke up feeling very very hot cos the air conditioner broke down in the room. So I called the reception and the rising temperature did nothing to calm my frenzied nerves.

me: "hi, morning, sorry, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "morning ma'am. you want wake-up call?"
me: "huh? no, the airconditioner in my room is spoilt."
receptionist: "you want wake-up call? what time?"
me: "No, i don't need any wake-up calls, the air conditioner is spoilt!"
receptionist: "what time? what time?"
me: "NO, NO Wake up calls! Airconditioner is spoilt, very hot!"
receptionist: "ooooohhh.. air conditioner spoilt. ok, i send someone, 5 minutes."
me: "... thank you."

well, so yeah, apart from this incident the rest of the trip went pretty well.

Anyway I thought through a lot of things after this trip, and yeah, maybe things could be different, but at the moment, I wonder if they'd ever change. I know, i know, what i am talking about is very very vague, but when it comes to matters of the heart it'll never be clear. Sometimes, no matter how similar two people are, no one can ever replace the first one who occupied that special place in your heart.

And i doubt i'll ever be that one. I can't fight with memories. I can't contend with what the past held and what the future could have been. Could that sudden realization be the reason why I haven't been happy recently? Possibly.

sigh. I can't do it after all.

Haven't been watching Grey's Anatomy for quite a while, and today, while blog surfing, I came upon this put up by Ting. And I remembered what happened in that episode. I guess very apt for me somewhat.

From Grey’s…

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross."

"I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…"

Yeah, I guess we never give up hope. But somehow, there has to come a day where we stop hoping.

and yeah, I am back from Koh Samui.

I'll be heading to Koh Samui tomorrow evening for my long deserved (short) holiday!

Great sand, great weather, and lots of cute topless hunks please!!

*smoooch*

buh bye!

Koh Samui... here i come!

second day of leave: more bumming. Finished Prison Break season 1 (yes i know i am behind time) and continued bumming.

Sigh. Planning for a short getaway, but it seems so difficult and tedious, probably because I've done enough planning for Spain and then didn't get to go I feel very tired of planning and checking out already.

I was just telling Gigi that I used to dream about just going to the airport, and getting a ticket and just fly to anywhere i feel like going at that moment. But in my dream, no money was involved. Aihz. If only it were that simple in real life.

So initially it was between Koh Samui and Krabi. But then after a talk with Sheldon I have more choices. Argh.

Sigh.

I'm so tired of doing it. Maybe cos i'm just lazy lah.

aiyoh.

hahaha
hahaha
hahahaha
hahahahaha
hahahahahhaa

i am happy, because, I am officially on leave! Though plans to Spain have been officially thwarted, I might be heading out to.. taipei, or hongkong.

Ah well, see how things go.

Ok time to slack!

*cough cough*

i..*cough* have this blar..*cough*..dee cough that i *cough* can't get rid of.

2 more days, 2 more flights till my leave starts!

another round of crazy back-to-back flights, just because I haven't been to Taipei for a while. and it took the very nice colleague a good 4 hours on board to coax me to go shopping with her. So after we checked into the hotel i crashedddddd, and then woke up in the evening to go shopping and in search for food.

Ah well, tomorrow's a short turn (hopefullY) and then saturday one more one more and my leave.

ok my fever's not leaving me.
sigh.

just 2 more days!

Bonjour madame!

bonjour, ca va?

Ca va bien, bien! et, vous?

ah, non, pas bien, je ne me sens pas bien.

et pourquoi? Vous avez besoin d'un doctuer?

non, merci, j'ai besoin dormir. A bientot!

the short conversation I had with the hotel staff i bumped into when I was trying to drag my bag into the room. Touched down in Paris with a slight fever, and I slept the whole day away after I unpacked my stuffs.

Gonna go out for a walk tomorrow. Probably the fresh air (and cute french men) will cure me.

me thinks it's not easy. especially when i'm starting to feel a lot more than i thought i'd ever would. and now i know i feel strongly about this. and it scares me, makes me vulnerable.

***

i'm so burnt it ain't funny. itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, Mum even said i no longer need to put on any blusher. by right, i'm supposed to take my nap before my long flight tonight but i think i'll just forget about it.

and i heard great news from Lady S while i was in the cab on the way home two nights back, I was so happy and excited for her but i couldnt scream or jump because i had to protect my image (yes, yes, in front of the taxi driver), and so i had to contain my excitement with "OH I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" in hushed whispers. hee.

Mr J, you've been warned. I have already a list of things to torture you before you finally get to marry our dear friend.

:)

***

Paris tonight, a change done to give away my San Francisco flight. Just didn't want to be too far away for too long.

the heart yearns to speak but the mind won't listen.

sunkissed!

i am oh-so-red and lobster-y now I think I look horrendous.

So this morning looked like a great day, and because i went to bed thinking about going to swim the next day, after lunch, we slacked about a bit, and I asked FM, who was lucky enough to be sent home by her GM to go swim. So we did go, and I continued swimming after she left with N.

and i think i was in the pool for probably about 2 hours or so... and the result? red red sunburnt skin.

I thought i didn't get enough of a tan, so when i headed up i plonked myself on the daybed at the balcony and went into weird positions so i could get a tan since the sun looked so good.

headed to vivocity, and i think i am slowly getting my bearings right at that place. Zenn n gracie came over to cook dinner for us, but because we felt hungry after the swim i didn't get to taste the pasta and the portobello mushroom! (i heart mushrooms...)

and, it was a manicure session for both zenn and i. what to do when our job requires us to be able to paint our nails anytime anywhere?

and sometimes things i do, i just seem to make it worse. i don't know how to be someone's source of happiness and comfort.

oh no, i am rambling cos i am going to fall asleep any moment.

goood night or is it morning?

of nail painting...

(Yippee! finally finished season 5 of 24!!!)

One thing that my job entails me to do, and it is a MUST, is to paint my nails red. To me, it is a painstaking process simply because i don't like to paint my nails every other day. And i try not to leave the colour on for too long for fear of my nails turning yellow (believe me, I've seen nails which have been stained to the point of no return).

So one day before every flight i'll be locked in my room for at least an hour to do this vain project.

It's the base coat first, wait to dry, first red coat, wait to dry, second red coat, wait to dry, fast drying top coat, smoke and wait to dry.

and when I first started out, i was so particular about having perfectly painted nails, to the extent if i should smudge one nail, i would remove the nail polish on all my nails and start all over again. Nowadays, I just redo that nail.

coming from someone whom about 2 years ago, never did her own nails, and indulged in only french manicure once a month.

So now I am waiting for my nails to dry.

And you know what?

I have a sudden urge to pee. *RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!*

how're YOU doing?

This afternoon as I was standing at my bedroom window indulging in one of my vices, I saw a guy suntanning at the pool. And he had a really toned body with 6-pecs. I wonder why I've never seen him around before. I casually mentioned it to S, who just replied, "Must be gay."

And then, I flicked my ciggie ash towards him. All the way from 8th storey.

Greetings from above, dude.

I think my trip to Spain won't materialise after all. It's my fault for procrastinating the booking of the tickets, and now it's full, not only that, even if I reverse my itinerary, head down to Spain via Rome and Venice, it's not gonna be possible because the flight to Rome is full as well! And now I'm so angry with myself for spoiling my own holiday. Sigh. Should have booked the tickets earlier, instead of trying to work out the best plan to tour Barcelona and Venice. So what if I have my itinerary set up? I have no tickets there.

Oh I wanna cry. But before that, I wanna kick myself in the ass.

Sigh.

Then there's this crazy change of flights that I'm trying to do, and probably in the end I won't be changing the flight after all. I don't know what it is about Paris that I love, but I really adore that city. Yeah, the French might be snobbish in some people's view, but well, I adore the quaint little towns and the hidden shops.

(Oh, that goes for my love for Venice as well, WHICH I won't get to see this year. And no, the flight to Paris is full as well due to the holiday season and so I can't go Paris during my leave toO~!)

Sorta made a friend on board, and well, as she shared her story I figured I could relate somehow, though most of the time I don't understand why she had to do certain things she did. And I thought about my previous relationship, and how I managed to make that step to move out of the rut that I was stuck in. Certain things she said reminded me of the past though. And I wonder if love drives people to extremes, to places that they'd never ever thought they would go to. And if love hurts, why love at all? Yes, pain is addictive, and it's the only thing that reminds us that we're still alive... but how much pain can one go through before it's over?

You painstakingly love someone, give your all for him or her, to find out that probably it was all pretty much one-sided. And then you hang on, hoping that things will change, yet when they don't, you continue hanging on, just because you've put in so much effort you can't bear to lose it, the mere thought of having to start over again, getting to know someone else all over again tires you out. So slowly you become more and more unhappy, less and less satisfied.

Vicious cycle, this love thing. It eats you from inside out.

...

No cute Spanish guys nor charming Italian men this year.

argh.

life without tv sucks.

The TV in my room is acting up, and I have to smack the TV a couple of times before I can finally watch any kind of programs.

So I didn't get called up for flight yesterday, which was a first! And then I went to watch Spiderman 3, which, kinda is very different from what was in the comics. Damn. But well, I think Spidey in the black suit looks rather good though.

I guess slowly I am getting used to the fact that it's gonna be this way for quite a while in the family. No calls, no news, and the inevitable fact that we have to shift out by the end of this year actually makes me wonder if I should even spend money for my trip after all.

But we all deserve a break now and then, don't we? And it somehow might be good for me to head out alone too.

All this giddy spells I've been getting everyday doesn't help. ARghhhh.

it feels weird lah.

Somehow I still don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel when in such a position. But well, I can't control it, can i?

So the experience on this new aircraft ain't that bad after all, but I feel like i've worked till i'm about to drop dead.

Didn't do much in Zurich though, headed out to the Old Town and walked about a bit... Finally I'm headed to Paris again. Je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime!

ouchhhhhh
cramps hurt.

ouuuuuuuuuucccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the weather's been erratic, and so has my moods.

But still, I managed to go for a bit of a tan session and swim with Gigi. Just the other night as I was leaving NP, I looked up into the sky, and I saw many stars despite the fact that the area I was in was brightly lit. One hope per star. I hope my wishes come true.

i have no mood

for anything.

All I want to do now is to just stay home and be near to family. I finally broke down when I was in Melbourne. Walking around, I couldn't help but think about things happening at home, and then when I went back to the hotel, I sat at the window, stared out into the distance at a ferris wheel lighting up, and I started sobbing.

Poor friends and mum got shocked when I called and then sobbed into the phone.

But it always feels good after a cry.

So yeah.

Oh cry has no vowels in it, and wry, shy, dry, try...

k bye.

I'm in a very random mode now. Sigh.

You know (actually I don't think you know), when people ask what scares me most, I'd always say losing my memory. I have many things I never bother to jot down or to make a picture of, many memories which can date back to even when I was 4 or 5 years old, things which I remember vividly even till today. And the worst thing that could happen? I lose my memory and I lose all those happy, sad, angry, grieving... moments that I treasure so deeply.

It's scary, to wake up one day, staring at the ceiling and suddenly not remembering what had happened in your life before you woke up, wondering if you've ever loved and lost, wondering if you've ever been happy. Wondering if you've ever been bad, if you've ever broken anyone's hearts, or if you've ever grieved for a loved one. Wondering if you've ever felt love, anger, hate, hurt, sadness all at once. Wondering if... you've ever lived at all.

Isn't it scary?

It is, to me. And I can lose anything, just not my memory.

Oh and charcoal. Oh and my family. Oh and.. ah well.

I ate many egg tarts today. I'm gonna be so so so so sick.

...and so i guess...

...that every relationship does have their honeymoon period, and it probably goes downhill from then on.

On the way back, R was just talking to me about how people change. And it somehow stung me quite a bit, and I feel very... scared and afraid.

I guess there's nothing much for anyone to do except to sit and wait.

Paris, je te manques!

Watching View From The Top on tv and seeing the sights of Paris again, made me miss the City of Romance even more. In a way, the training for the new aircraft does finally give me the possibility of getting flights to Paris again, but I don't really look forward to working on that aircraft.

Argh.

Oh how I miss Paris.

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

a groovy kind of love...

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing near my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When I kiss your lips, ooh I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, I dont care
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

We got a groovy kind of love


Soppy, cheesy, but yeah. :)

waiting...

... is the worst thing to do when your heart and mind are in a big, big mess.

been cancelling appointments with friends and all, just because I don't have the mood to go. I wish dad'll be ok.

Sigh. Who goes to China without going for massage? Me. My back hurts, and doctor's orders were to stay away from massages for a while. So I can only let them attack my feet. But it ain't gonna be enough!!

Anyway anyway, my favourite ice cream! http://www.benjerry.com.sg/ Go visit the site! They are giving out free ice cream on 17 April! Anyone around to join me in getting fat?

Ok I am tired. I just touched down not too long ago and I fought a war on board. hehehe

i lurve medicated plasters.

Ouch.

Pain.

Aack.

I love medicated plasters on my back.

One thing I love about London is the long walks in the park. I pretty much enjoy the solitude sometimes, and walking from Hyde Park to Kensington Park gives me the chance to actually set my mind at ease. Another reason why I love London is the fact that I can meet up with friends here.

And on my way to High Street Kensington:


A squirrel!
the little thing was busy peeling its acorn, and when he saw me coming, he ran off to another corner and buried the nut in the ground.

Heading home tomorrow, and meeting the guys after I touch down.

:)

and so because i am bored... (what's new)

Ok i know i've been updating obsessively, but I am bored.

So I met up with Chilli earlier today to walk around London, but it was raining, raining, raining, raining, raining. I thought it'd be nice to take the London Eye, but it was raining, raining, raining, raining, raining. So we walked about in the dreary weather, and made our way to Buckingham Palace before we headed back to the hotel.

And at the Palace, we noticed one of the guards was marching to and fro his post every 2 minutes.

Chilli: Why does he keep moving?
Me: I think he needs to pee.

... ok.

Taken outside the Palace:

because i've been tagged...

6 weird things about myself:

But before I start this, I must put a disclaimer: I am not weird. Really. REALLY!!!

1. I hate brinjals/ aubergines/ eggplants, mangosteens... just because they are purple. And I no likey purple food.

2. I have very small nostrils, which I don't find weird but others do.

3. When I am overseas, I like to turn the TV on to CNN, so that I don't feel so alone in the room. People talk on CNN, you know? And I feel that in my subconscious mind, I can digest news better.

4. I like to cook (sometimes), but I never like to eat the things I cook. So I make people eat and I watch. hur hur hur.

5. I like the taste of wasabi. Just because it hits my nose. Just because.

6. er.... erm... ah... I am not weird. Can't think of 6 weird things lah!

I don't know who I should tag. So.. whoever wants to do it just do it. heh heh.

but... but... but....

I was in my crew seat during landing and I saw a passenger seated across me holding on to a book, and she was using a pamphlet of Penang as a bookmark.

And I saw, from the pamphlet: "Penang... Pearl of the Orient."

No offence to Penang residents, but... I thought Hong Kong was the Pearl of the Orient???

Hmm.

Just checked into the hotel, and I don't feel sleepy as yet. But I should get sleep soon.

Yawnz. I'm trying to make myself tired.

Gonna meet Chilli Crab later, since he's just across the room, and we gonna do touristy stuffs. And I am gonna be the tour guide.

Heh heh heh.

Ciaoz.

the past has a way of catching up with us, somehow.

and my template somehow went haywire, so it's back to the minimal. Hopefully i'll get to change it when I get back from flight.

Maybe I am not cut out for this after all.

Since young, I've been pretty much independent. I grew up learning how to fix the electrical appliances at home, how to manage on my own, and even headed out overseas alone after O levels. Nothing could ever scare me (except for the occasional flying insects) and I always managed to muster up courage to do things I wanted to. I made decisions on my own, and did pretty much whatever I wanted to do.

So then it is no surprise that in my previous relationships, I probably took the role of the decision-maker most of the time, being headstrong and all, and probably somehow, slowly the men around me felt they could no longer be the 'alpha-male' and started being unhappy, and then that's when I get upset with them, they with me, and then things go wrong. Yeah I can be understanding most of the time, I don't mind if we don't meet up often, I've grown to be pretty self-sufficient, but then sometimes it backfires too.

And then after the last one, I've grown to getting used to being on my own, so when someone else comes along it becomes a very hard struggle for me to throw away my independency and be part of something. I get scared, I get frightened, and then sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, I get insecure. I worry that I won't be able to pick myself up again if things should fail. I worry that I wear my heart on my sleeve and then get hurt again. I worry that I'll be in too deep and then I can't get out. And so I remain guarded, and wary. It gets tiring though.

I don't dare plan too far into the future, cos I don't know if it will ever get to that day. So I live a 'come what may' life, albeit with apprehension... far too much apprehension I think.

And then when people hide the truth from me, I wonder if I brought it upon myself, so much so that people find it difficult to be honest with me. Then again, I probably tend to discount the truth presented and it becomes unfair to the person who's trying his best to be honest.

So yeah, maybe I ain't cut out for this. Then again, I want to throw myself off the cliff and not bother about where I land. And I've decided, the past shall be the past and it won't matter anymore. What you don't know won't hurt. Ultimately.

So I'll just try and open my heart a little, take that leap of faith and see how things go.

Tomorrow I shall wake up a changed person.

A picture of Charcoal taken on his birthday (he refused to wear the hat):


And because Gigi wants me to blog about her, here goes:
Gigi is Wong Sam Ba
Midori is Liu Mam Bo.

k bye.

I did a Hong Kong turnaround yesterday, came back around 7 pm, had dinner, and slept at 9pm, till about 10 this morning. I think I did wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night, but I went back to sleep shortly after. That was how tired I was. But it's a personal achievement! I've never slept so long before! I think I might have, but usually 2 nights' sleep don't add up to as much as what I did last night. Hur hur hur.

and i snored.

ARGH.

I've never been a snorer until recently. Hate it.

And today's a lazy day... so I'm just gonna read and read and read.

BYE!

how random can i get?

Got called up for a Hong Kong turnaround, which I am supposed to be reporting in... 5 hours time.

Argh. And I think I am having better luck in mahjong. Heh heh.

OooOH i love mahjong.

Ok gotta go sleep.

I don't know how long I can put up with this.

Not in the mood to do anything today, so I went to get MC for my menstrual cramps.

Gonna bum around at home with Charcoal, he's KING today.

I'll just push it to the back of my mind and hope it never comes back up again.

I don't know what it is with some people who like to pick on other people. I wonder what kind of sick joy they derive from berating people and putting them down. Flight back was alright, apart from the fact that the colleague was treated unfairly by the boss, and that made the whole flight rather dreadful.

Was in Beijing, and spent my time doing massage and shopping, though I ended up not buying anything. Gawd, I'm addicted to massage, but the masseuse commented that my back was very bony and would end up with bruises if she used more force. But I insisted on forceful massages, and she was right. Now my back is peppered with tiny bruises. Ouch.

Today is such a hot day. The fan blasting at high speed did nothing to stop me from feeling hot and bothered. Perhaps I have been feeling unsure about a lot of things, and then have been treating people whom I care about a lot unfairly recently. I don't know, but it feels so much different from the past. I don't know if it's a good thing or it's just something that's a passing phase, but if things work out it'd be good. Maybe I'm just not used to it.

I'm off to Narita tomorrow, and hopefully shopping therapy works.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST CHARCOAL!

*woof woof!*

and because it's his birthday, I will allow him to type on my precious iBook. But he's sleeping now, so the offer ends.

hmmm?

It's been a lazy couple of days ever since I got back from Auckland. And I was down with flu again. Kinda sucks ah, that I seem to fall prone to illnesses every couple of months. Ever since I was back, it was mahjong, sleep, TV, sleep, movies, sleep, and last night, KTV, sleep.

Managed to meet up with Jacob, Darren, Val and Louis for a movie, and 300 was fantabulous! The graphics were awesome, and Gerard Butler never fails to charm me with his... set of teeth. hee. Ah well, when he was acting in Phantom, all I could see was that set of teeth and his eyes. So I could recognise that set anywhere. Ok, that sounded a little wrong. The movie depicted Asia as an exotic place, with weird creatures and all. But a great movie, one I wouldn't mind watching a second time.

Then supper at Upper East Coast Road's Hong Kong Cafe, just because Darren didn't want to eat at the Hong Kong-styled cafe where we were at! I can't remember what we were talking about the whole day, but it was good to see them again. I just hope this friendship stays for long.

And at home, season 4 of 24 kept me up till morning, and finally dragged myself to bed after 3 or 4 episodes. I am such a TV junkie.

A guy friend posed me this question the other day, how would you know if you are happy with someone? And it somewhat became a debate to whether happyness is a state of mind or not. And if it becomes a state of mind, isn't it a rather... sad thing? That's the irony of it all, isn't it? And we all want to protect ourselves, especially if we've been through shit before. In the midst of protecting myself, I lost the ability to love, to even think about being with someone for long. I'm afraid of being too attached, and being in too deep. Sometimes I want to, but otherwise, I fear. So he said I should adopt this heck-care-come-what-may attitude, and it would get me further than I actually aim to. So probably it might. But then... it would be kinda... and empty ride for me, wouldn't it? Heck lah. I don't even know how to describe the way I am feeling now. It's just.. like there and not there kinda thing.

Shucks.

Leaving for Auckland...

... with a heavy heart.

So dinner was at his place with Princess Lala and Kuku Angie (I'm sorry dear, that's the name in ste's phone directory, I feel compelled to use it) and it turned out great.

And the fact that I'm going to leave for flight despite not having more than 5 hours rest since last night doesn't make me feel any happier.

I think... I just can't.

ka-bonk!

SO I got back from flight last evening, and was so tired I totally crashed after I showered, and woke up in the middle of the night looking for food. Doesn't help that I've gained a few kilos but I attribute it to lack of toilet visits. *indignant*

Then this afternoon something very embarrassing happened to me. I was busy texting someone after my massage, and then I walked into the glass door. Sigh. It was as if time froze then and everyone stared at me. Damn. And now I am nursing a nasty bruise on my right knee. Ouch.

I don't know what's come over me. These days I feel easily distracted, and easily irritated. Some people think I have the best job ever, flying around the world and earning money whilst at it, but then I realised this isn't making me as happy as others think I should. So how? But then again, I don't know what would make me happy. Sometimes I go work feeling like the happiest person on earth and then there are times I just want to disappear and hide in my shell.

And expectations kill don't they? I try very hard to work up to everyone's expectations I feel so unhappy with myself. Like.. Why am I doing this? Why do I lose myself in the midst of trying to make everyone happy? And my confidence gets shaken, shattered time and time again. Day by day I'm slowly not being who I used to be.

sigh.

comfortable...

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us, if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say 'shes gonna be good for you'
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, hey

She thinks I can't see the smile that shes faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back
- Comfortable by John Mayer

my pursuit of happiness.

So finally I watched 'The Pursuit of Happyness' yesterday, and wondered if I have ever given up pursuing my own happiness.

I've got loads to say.. but somehow i feel very, very tired.

Gonna be away for a couple of days... and I miss a lot of people in my life.

hmmm..

it actually does feel good to be part.. of a whole.

good night world.

and then I am 25...

Thank you for all the birthday sms-es on my getting-old day. Hee. But I was down with flu and fever. This year's birthday was the quietest one I've ever had, it didn't feel like a birthday at all. Kinda sad about it though, but it's ok. I chose to be away I guess.

But someone promised me a cake when I come back! So I held him to his promise and had a birthday dinner, complete with cake and 3 bottles of very good vintage wine which we had to persuade and almost beg to open. hehe. But thanks for the lilies... really love the bouquet.

An unexpected call came while I was in LA, and the 5-min talk became a longer one than I thought we could ever possibly have. I guess I need assurance, and at that time I just needed a voice from the past to wake me up.

Had a talk during dinner and I can't stop feeling amazed at how fast time flies and how fast we are all growing up and changed over the years. Even our dear Mr Chia is a proud grandfather. The guys are finishing their uni studies this year, and soon will be out in the working world.

I have many different groups of close friends, all whom I try to make time for, because they hold dear to my heart. But as different as they might be, I love them nonetheless.

A cynic love has made out of me, and I wonder if I ever will be able to... you know...

You don't?

it probably doesn't matter anyway.

an sms earlier this morning...

You'll always be the perfectly imperfect person in my eyes. It will never change.

*beams*

c'est sombre.

Well well...

I just had a very grand reunion dinner. Brother brought gf home this year (I think last year too, but I can't remember) and the 6 of us (Charcoal included) had a rather enjoyable evening talking crap and all. I helped out with the cooking, and sadly the washing as well. All my dear bro did was to pour water for the rest of us. -_-"

And so my MacBook has finally arrived!!! I love love love it! But I love love love my ibook as well, so forget about asking if you guys can have my iBook.

Today... I feel rather... Well, I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling. I figured I would have crumbled long ago if I let my insecurities and everything I ain't confident about get to me. So I joke about everything that actually mattered to me. And sometimes... it still gets to me.

Why liddat?

I can only try my best, ya?

Met up with Joe for a quick cuppa this afternoon when I headed out to meet a client. And 15 minutes became one hour plus. Just... catching up on our lives. I miss long, deep conversations with close friends. Nowadays my conversations are always dotted with...work, work and work. People are always interested in what I do, but some fail to realise that I am not that interested in the job that I am in. Sometimes I want to talk about other things than work. Sometimes I want to be listened to, and not to be the listener. Sometimes I want to talk talk talk, and whine whine whine, and not just forget about what's bothering me and then give sane advice. BUt.. but.. sigh. Sometimes when I am given the chance to talk, words fail me.

Sigh.

Why liddat?!

Anyway anyway, am off tomorrow to Taipei.

Happy Chinese New Year my loves. Hope I make it back in time to join you guys at Mr Chia's. And hope my spirits lift by the time I get back.

valentine's malentine's schmalentine's.

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely babes and hunks! *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

Never had the habit of celebrating this day though, it was usually with friends and all, but today, i'm here at home with Charcoal, my Valentine, and my TV set to National Geographic. So romantic!

And it being the season of LOVE, plus my birthday's around the corner, I decided to splurge a little and got myself a MacBook, which will arrive in a couple of days! heeee... I am HAPPY. HAPPPPPY!

Oh, I have a question. A very serious question. See ah... I leave Los Angeles on the 20 Feb, and touch down in Taipei on 22 Feb. Because from US over to Asia we lose one day... and since I don't see 21 Feb at all..... Does it mean that I'm gonna be 24 all the way till next year?? Does IT!?!!?

Okie, I'm feeling happy today I dont know why.

Qian is coming home tomorrow!!!!!

So random lah, I am.

hehehe.

how jenn how??!

I got back from Sydney yesterday and slept all the way till this morning. YAWN!

Don't like the daylight savings time thingy. Poor John had to wait an hour for me all because I forgot that Sydney was 3 hours ahead and not 2, and blur me, not realising I was already late when I went down, still said, "Wah! You're early!" Sigh. silly me. And he tried to make me tempted into shopping like crazy by bringing me over to the market. *ROOOOOOAR!* Luckily I had determination! The intermittent rain showers made the whole day dreary.

I don't know what we had to talk about, but we stayed up the whole night to chat and chat. And till I reported for flight. And then I crashed once I hopped into the cab home. And at home? I was totally oblivious to 40 missed calls. and 20 over sms-es.

So this morning I made a last minute decision to meet up with Darren, and we went off to Bugis. Caught up over coffee and bitched about our lives. It's pretty amazing how time flies so fast when we're jet-setting about. And how some of us find it difficult to find someone and settle down proper. Then how some girls are just so materialistic they put it a prerequisite to finding a boyfriend. And how some people hide their relationship status from others...

ARGH! CHARCOAL JUST CAME IN AND DESTROYED MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON!!!

My PC is already down and now my iBook?!?!?!

it's a sign i should get a new MacBook isn't it?

heh heh heh

ARGH! gonna go scold my little rascal.

Sigh.

My room is in such a mess!

I have been wanting to tidy up my room for the longest time ever but all I got about to doing was to pack my wardrobe, to remove all the corporate clothes. Sigh.

My shelf's getting cluttered with books I buy from around the world. Argh. No, not chick flicks.

Damn.

Anyone can clean up my room for me? pretty pleasE?

brissy brisbane

Brisbane was HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

I managed to meet up with Geoff and Loren this time around, and boy was it a long time since we last met! Happy news came and I am more than glad for Loren that she's settling down pretty well in Brissy.

Then it was pancakes with the team and I managed to be dragged to do some shopping with the team girl who usually doesn't shop. Hee... I bought a dress, and a pair of pants! Sale sale salE! But the team girl busted her allowance. hahaHAh.

next up would be Sydney, but I ain't gonna go shopping. Yeah. No no no.

We finally spoke, just before I left for Brisbane. Somehow, it seemed like a sign that we have put the past behind us, and probably back to being friends. It felt like a relief, as if a chapter has closed. Happy. :)

OOohh. I better go prepare to head out. Need to go pick up my new passport.

ho-hum...

Feeling rather upset over certain events happening in my closest friends' lives right now. Mum came in and saw me sobbing and hugging my pillow, and we had a talk. I guess it's inevitable... such things to happen. And no matter how much time and effort we put it, it never seems to be enough.

I realise a lot of thoughts run through my mind when I am just sitting about doing nothing. Lots of aimless thoughts. "What if..." "Should I..." "How..." "Why..." "Can I..." "Where..." "When will I..." "Is he..." "Will she..." "But..." ... It never ends. Even sitting at Starbucks with a cup of cafe latte doesn't do anything to silence the chaos in my head. As I look out into the passing crowd, I wonder what goes on in everyone's minds. And when people walk past and stare at me, I wonder what thoughts run through their heads.

And then you step into a lift full of people. And you can hear the noisy silence almost instantly.

"Shit, am I going to be late for this meeting? Why can't the lift move faster?"
"If only I had worn my other jacket."
"I forgot to call Jamie to make the appointment for tonight! Damn!"
"Is he ever gonna call after last night?"
"There are so many people in this lift! I am claustrophobic!!!"
"Stupid Monday."
"Whose perfume is that? Yucks."
"What if I scream now?"

Oh and the typical one...

"Fuck. Who farted?"

And from the fella who did...

"I hope they don't know it's me. Act nonchalant. Act nonchalant."

Sigh. How do I keep the voices out of my head? I can't stop thinking. and thinking. I'm drowning myself with my thoughts.

*burp*

Got back from Amsterdam this morning and feeling less than energetic. Alesk wasn't free to meet me this time round, so I walked about alone, but this time I did not walk out of the MAP! Laugh u evil twits.

The resident spider outside my room was feverishly spinning webs on the grilles. I'm pretty impressed, within 2 days he managed to spin a total of 5 big webs! Yes I counted cos I was bored. Goosebumps popped up after a while but still I was intrigued.

I wasn't expecting any reply at all when I sms-ed someone to wish him a happy birthday, but was pleasantly surprised when he did reply, even though it was a short one. And after all this time... it probably is best if we just keep it that way.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
~~ How To Save A Life, The Fray

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-yak!

I think I am on my way to becoming a martial artist.

So the training in STC did keep me awake for the second part of the day, but the first part was a lot of struggling to stay awake in my seat. Paul called last night and we chatted for a couple of hours, and YES... stop nagging, I will go back to dancing soon. When I have saved up more money! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

Coffee with friends whom u love but yet seldom meet up is always gooooooooooood.


kelly, val, me, vincent (he looks like he's trying to dwarf himself in all the pictures we took.)

Oh.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN JING!!!! *SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH* You're the first in our group to get old. hur hur hur. Older, wiser.

what are the chances of...

... having a sudden downpour while trying to get a cab with a shelter nowhere in sight?

AHHHH CHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

brrrrrr......

Met up at Holland Village with the guys to celebrate Ben jing's birthday. But while the rest met up at Hog's Breath for dinner, Ivy and I met up at TCC for coffee and small girl talk. I realised that this would probably be the first time that the two of us met up alone, other than she driving us 2 down to Sentosa to meet the rest couple of years back. And in many ways, I think we've both changed since then. We're all reaching quarter-of-a-century old now (I don't want to see the number yet!!) and it's high time we make firm decisions regarding our lives. No point hanging on to jobs which are draining your energy away, no point hanging on to relationships which just don't ever seem to work. The don't-wish-to-carry-a-label-self-declared-not-a-meat-eater (a.k.a. vegetarian) joined us shortly after, and we had a 'wild' time talking about... shit. I can't remember. Anyway, the rest joined us after their dinner and then we made Ben Jing eat his birthday cake even though he was full. Heh hehh hehhhh...

I need mahjong. My fingers are itching. I am gonna die soon.

A short talk with S made me realise how much I have been missing out on. And probably I should just leave doubts aside and do what I want. But then again... I hate feeling vulnerable to everything, if anything at all.

But... I guess you probably are right. I probably ain't ready, and am not cut out for this. So what should I do with my life?

je suis retourné!

I am back! FinallY! I've never been happier to reach Singapore! And the first return gift I got? licks and kisses from Charcoal. :)

The next gift?

A stupid bite from a tiny weeny ant.

Back home to faster broadband, comfortable bed and pillows, better smokes, and a dog to snuggle up to at night.

Now.... where's my wine?

sigh.

I am miffed.

Well, the deal is we are leaving today at around 4pm, from the initial plan of taking the earliest flight out. Which means I will only be home at 11pm or near midnight! Argh.

I woke up feeling a little peckish, so I ordered my favourite Marinated Bell Pepper and Mushroom salad. I love the balsamic oil vinaigrette they serve with the salad. What came was... SINGAPORE CHICKEN AND CASHEW NUT SALAD. So I called to change, and the lady on the phone was reluctant to change it, saying that I told her I wanted the latter. OF COURSE NOT! I asked for my bell pepper! I even told her I didn't want olives! Argh. And why would I want to come all the way to China to eat Singapore Chicken and Cashew Nut Salad? Not that the bell pepper and mushroom is very Chinese, but Singapore chicken?? So did the chicken come from hometown or what?

I'm just being very anal here, and I ran out of cigs. Damn.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEARGGH!

er.. I am still in beijing.

Sigh. Apparently some aircraft problem after take off and then we headed back to Beijing. Read it here.

I WANT TO GO HOME!

bored. zzz. bored.

High speed broadband isn't really considered highspeed when it takes ages to download a webpage, or takes 10++++++++ hours to download a game 62MB big.

ARGH.

I should really go sleep.

BYEEEEEEEEEE!

no snow?

It was a freezing -8 degrees Celcius when we touched down in Beijing... but no snow? I crashed shortly after I washed up and slept for a good... probably 8 hours. When S called I told him to visit me when he comes back to Singapore instead. Yawn.

I think I can still sleep somemore, save for the fact that I don't want to be wide awake at night.

ANYWAY, I don't understand why they put 'NO SMOKING ROOM' at the door, and have someone send up an ashtray to the room whether smoking or not. That defeats the purpose right?

QIAN! Can you come home on 17 March? I wanna go see Rachael Yamagata!

So far no one knows who she is. I've got a "Is she Japanese?" "When did you get interested in Japanese singers?" "Is she some dancer?" "Is it a ninja turtle?" (that was from Gigi, no less)... Sigh.

I wanna gO!

ooopsy daisy!

Yawnz... I am now sitting here waiting to go to the airport. After sooooooo many days of not working, my limbs just aren't coordinating with my brain. Just the act of putting on the uniform causes my arms to suddenly suffer from fatigue, muscles sore and aching. Sigh. I must psych myself up to work.

Frankfurt was ok, the flight up was a lot comfortable than the flight back. Due to some storm in that part of Germany, the airport was closed the day before I was due to return. And because of that, the flight I took back was FULL. I now realise that as a passenger, you can never last long in the seat, especially if you're flying economy class. Halfway through the flight back, I found that I couldn't feel my legs anymore.

Ah well, we went to Heidelberg, and visited the Heidelberg Castle. The castle was pretty empty, but we figured it was due to the sign at the gate stating that it was closed. So we went up nonetheless and found it as open as it can be. The tour guide was amusing, and when he told us about the huge wine barrel that was under the dining room, I never realised it was THAT huge. If i had that barrel at home, the wine inside could last me for a good one year, and that is if I drink the amount close to a bottle EVERYDAY.

And I did something silly on the way back. Argh. I forgot that passenger allowance for liquid stuffs are pretty restricted, and I got a bottle of Absinthe confiscated. :( damn..

Sigh. BAck to work. Off to Beijing tonight, and meeting S in the afternoon tomorrow. It's snowing it's snowing it's snowing (I guess). I hate to freeze my butt off.

finally on leave!

I got back from London 2 days back, but my heart ain't feeling any less heavy.

My bank account's hitting zero (don't ask why) and I am starting to feel the pinch from every cab ride I take. Argh. Time to save up, but how to when I'm leaving for Frankfurt tomorrow on holiday? Damn.

I guess I am ready to leave, I don't mean for my holiday, but from whatever predicament that I am currently in. I guess I've had enough of being inside this vacuum, moving nowhere here nor there. I really don't want people to do the things they think I want, because that would be pointless. I'd very much prefer if you do such things because you want it, and not because you think that's the right thing to say or do to me.

Things have been like that for the past one year, and I foresee it's gonna be like that for a long, long time. Ah well, what to do? Better leave before I find it harder than it already is.

I guess I am upset. But then again, it somehow makes no difference because this might have been how I felt all this while.

I have no one else to blame but myself. Expectations kill, don't they? I got in knowing what the outcome was, and then I allowed myself to change my thinking somehow. Argh. Yeah, I am tired of what's been happening in my life. If a decision hadn't been made, it will never be made. There's no point dragging on... right?

Sigh. But how?

*sits in a corner and sulks*

save me...

XC and I were talking about how great it is to be able to meet up even when we are thousands of miles apart. Spent the afternoon travelling out of London, down to Chatham to visit XC at the school and had lunch, catching up on our lives.

It's one thing to live out your dreams and another to live to survive.

These few weeks I've been feeling a little less than happy, and probably that could be the reason why I choose to be alone. With things happening back at home I guess I could make do for some getaway. Yet I have nowhere for me to seek solace. I wanna run away.

And then it comes a point when you want so much to be intoxicated, to just forget momentarily what has been in your mind, but no matter how much you drink and drink, you still stay very, very sober.

Let me take care of you, I want to protect you from hurt and pain. I want to love you, and be there for you always. This sms came in when I least expected it. But I think... I've had enough of all this. For now. And probably the realisation that all the while I've been pretty much alone, even when I was in a relationship has finally hit me.

I just seek for happiness, with someone, anyone, or with myself. That's not gonna be easy... right?

It's only 13 days into 2007 and I already am feeling like shit.

sigh.

london... london.

Typical London weather... wet and cold. Probably summarises how I am feeling these few days.

So we went to watch Queen - We Will Rock You, and I quite like it! Then it dawned on me that I've watched quite a lot of musicals this year. No wonder my bank account has been depleting. ARgh.

Down with sore throat, and losing my voice soon. argh.

I will be on leave after I return home, and am most likely heading out of town for a holiday. But then... I don't know if... I should.

Somehow on this flight I've made up my mind regarding certain issues, and want to take a stand, yet I don't know if it is the right thing to do.

I hate this.
I really do.

yada yada...

Nothing beats meeting old pals, silly batchmates at a time when you least want to be alone. The never ending bitching (hur hur hur)... the shared jokes... the sudden realisation that Holland Village can actually be a lot less crowded...

I've absolutely no idea what I'm babbling about.

We all have baggage. It's either ditch them, deal with them, or hide them forever. No one deals with someone else's baggage... right? And how long can one wait for someone before she finally calls it quits? Like I always said.. sometimes the wait becomes too long, when you finally get it, you realise.... you might not want it that much anymore. Is life always like that?

I probably am thinking too much, and reading too much into things. I might have gotten the wrong signals, interpreted the wrong words and actions... and perhaps caused this drama in my life. Heh heh. Or probably I like drama in my life.

5am, a bottle of Merlot and lack of sleep makes Jenn an incoherent girl. And I have a bad feeling I'm gonna be down with flu. Soon.

Tomorrow is another day of meet ups, and buying things for XC before I head off to London to meet her! Another team flight, at last. Sometimes it feels nice to work with people you know.

I'm gonna try sleep for a couple of hours, cuddle up to Charcoal under the covers. Hope rest will clear my head. Yawnz.

Good night, world.

the truth does hurt...

As much as I appreciate honesty, I don't deny sometimes the truth hurts. Really badly. Just when I thought things were gonna be ok, it somehow went wrong. Ah well, it happens, doesn't it? The funniest thing is, I expected something like this to happen sooner or later, just that I hadn't really prepared myself well for it. But how do u prepare yourself for something as fragile as this?

Qian sent me this song last week. I fell so in love with this song. And it kinda wraps up how I feel right at this moment.

Be, Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

happy new year!

WOOT! 2007 is finally here, and I have yet to feel any different. But well, countdown was spent watching The Anchorman - Ron Burgundy on Star Movies, and then Taboo with some friends. It is now proven that women are better at such word games than men.

Oh and Mahjong didn't happen. Nahhhhhhh..

Anyway, I'm off to Dubai, then Cairo. Will be back on 7th early morning. Hope it's a good time for me to recharge.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!